Re: If Thine Palm Offend Thee

1

Hmm...

Number 6 seems problematic to me. Do not read about your problem ("hey, is reading this wrong?").

It seems to be saying, seek help, but don't think about the problem about which you need help.

Another step tells you to pray, but just don't pray for help about the problem you have.

Not helpful at all. Now where's my astroglide?

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2

They forgot: "Move to Arizona and marry and repeatedly impregnate fifteen teenaged girls. If you're male."

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3

"If the temptation seems overpowering while you are in bed, get out of bed and go into the kitchen and fix yourself a snack, even if it is in the middle of the night, and even if you are not hungry, and despite your fears of gaining weight."

Great. So the greater mormon population will be fat and sexually repressed...serial killer anyone?

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4

What ever happened to "think about baseball?"

How about "imagine the audience naked." Wait, that was for something else.

I think the 'leave the shower curtain slighlty open' suggestion would be helpful at preventing masturbation if a member of the opposite sex was nearby.

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5

If you associate something very distasteful with your loss of self-control it will help you to stop the act. For example, if you are tempted to masturbate, think of having to bathe in a tub of worms, and eating several of them as you do the act.

And lo, a new fetish is born.

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6

....pray for the Missionaries, the General Authorities,....

Who in the hell are the General Authorities and why do "they" pray to them?

My Mormon colleague at work claims he is never worried and never anxious because to experience anxiety and worry is to "give in to the Evil One".

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7

My only problem with masturbation is when it doesn't sufficiently overcome me. (Heh, he said "come." Heh.)

I am willing to consider applications from female partners in helping with this problem. Flexibily, attractiveness, sense of humor, intelligence, conversationability, being well-read, and passion are desired qualities.

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