Re: In which I invite you all to make jokes about my sex life

1

Tia is the hero!

horizontal rule
2

hott.

horizontal rule
3

Was he afraid that the cable guy would try to steal your cufflinks, or what?

horizontal rule
4

Aw, that's sweet. You're my kind of girl, Tia.

horizontal rule
5

What I want to know is, where the cuffs on both hands at the time, or just hanging off one hand? And if it's the former, didn't you find it difficult to read and/or put on clothes that way?

horizontal rule
6

By clothes, she mean dressing gown. I mean, the cable guy was coming, after all.

horizontal rule
7

The cable guy was on his way up. He wasn't quite there yet.

horizontal rule
8

I mean, the cable guy was coming, after all.

Given the nature of the thread, this is just begging for abuse.

horizontal rule
9

They weren't handcuffs, they were leather, the kind that get attached by a chain, and the chain was off. And before you ask, he had the cuffs before he knew me, and I have issued an absolute prohibition against the purchase of anything else leather for use with me.

horizontal rule
10

Well, in that case, I see no reason why you should have taken them off--I mean, don't people wear cuffs like that out on the street?

horizontal rule
11

Well, they do, but the clothes I put on were sweatpants and a thermal underwear top, and in fact, I had them around my ankles too, so it wasn't that likely to be interpreted as a fashion statement.

horizontal rule
12

I had them around my ankles too

The sweatpants?

horizontal rule
13

I don't like to use props for restraint -- it seems better to just do it by hand.

horizontal rule
14

Apo, you're just jealous 'cause Silvana said I was the hero.

horizontal rule
15

This post should have been titled "In a Leather".

horizontal rule
16

This post should have been titled "In a Leather".

Ooh, that's good.

horizontal rule
17

Kotsko, are you sure you have a girlfriend?

horizontal rule
18

Exactly why does anyone care if the cable guy sees the cuffs? Just asking.

horizontal rule
19

Maybe I don't -- but then who was that woman last night?

horizontal rule
20

Could have been a spy.

horizontal rule
21

18 - Maintaining the air of transgressiveness.

horizontal rule
22

Well, it's more that it might have been awkward for the cable guy. I mean, I'd put away a box of condoms before the cable guy came, and there's not even a faint whiff of transgression about that. It just confronts the poor cable guy with the fact that the people in the apartment have sex, and he may not want to think about that at the moment.

horizontal rule
23

Oh, come now, Tia. We all know it's really because the situation of "we fuck, oh look, here's the cable guy" is just too redolent of crappy porn videos.

horizontal rule
24

Okay, it can be overdetermined.

horizontal rule
25

I think, generally, the reason for being presentable in the company of strangers (e.g., say, putting on a bra when opening to the door to receive delivered pizza), is, because, if there's some sexually-provocative aspect of your appearance, the person will probably assume that you wanted them to be uncomfortable, or titillated, and that simply won't do (unless, of course, that was the case).

horizontal rule
26

You put on a bra when you order pizza???

horizontal rule
27

I do.

horizontal rule
28

That's where all my bras have gone. Damn you, apo.

horizontal rule
29

Depends on what kind of shirt I'm wearing, I suppose. I guess the last time I had a pizza delivered, I was wearing a wife-beater-type tank top, and, well, those things are thin and transparent-ish. It didn't seem right.

horizontal rule
30

You can make pizza with a brazier, right?

horizontal rule
31

Act 2

[Enter cable guy]

Tia: Hello cable guy. Thanks for stopping by to set up our cable tv. Ooooh, I just realized that I didn't take my cuffs off. I'm also only very shoddily dressed because my boyfriend and I were having some hott action just five minutes ago. Let me take those cuffs off. [Leans forward, revealing that she forgot to put on a bra.]

Cable guy: (...)

Picture goes scrambled. Text feed: "Dear Patron, if you want to continue watching this program please press #387 on your remote and $4.50 will be added to your bill. We hope you enjoy your stay at Econolodge.

horizontal rule
32

It might work better with a cable girl.

horizontal rule
33

Not porn, but relevant. Sequel.

horizontal rule
34

You can make pizza with a bra, but most people prefer to knead the dough with their hands.

horizontal rule
35

At first, I interpreted 25 to mean that Silvana received pizza while wearing a bra, sans shirt, and 26 to mean that bphd just received pizza topless, and was astonished that others didn't.

29, sadly, destroyed all of this.

horizontal rule
36

35 captures my feelings exactly.

horizontal rule
37

Silvana received pizza while wearing a bra, sans shirt

That's how I get pizza. When it's Chinese, I Porky Pig it.

horizontal rule
38

Yes, I frequently answer the front door without a shirt on.

Jeez, people. It's cold up here.

horizontal rule
39

Mm. Chinese food. Maybe I'll order some delivery right fucking now.

horizontal rule
40

Everytime I'm on unfogged and I'm hungry, I remember this thread, which is making my mouth water now. And where the fuck is Chopper? Is it just me, or has he disappeared?

horizontal rule
41

Fuck, I'm hungry too. I'm eating popcorn and pretending that's filling, but I might have to go downstairs and get some mac & cheese, b/c we are out of chocolate (goddamn PMS) and there's no fucking Chinese delivery at 11:30 in nowheresville.

I hate you all.

horizontal rule
42

I'm eating the seafood noodle soup right now.

horizontal rule
43

That's it, I'm taking out a contract on you.

horizontal rule
44

I'm eating the seafood noodle soup

If that isn't a euphemism, it damn well ought to be.

horizontal rule
45

There's nothing open within walking distance right now, particularly not the felafel place at which I eat several times a week. God, do I have to go to the fucking grocery store? It's snowing.

horizontal rule
46

That's it, I'm taking out a contract on you.

What do you know, it is nice to feel wanted. I will refrain from mentioning today's sunny and clear weather.

horizontal rule
47

I hate you with the heat of a thousand suns.

horizontal rule
48

Bphd, maybe you're Diane.

horizontal rule
49

'I hate' from hate away she threw,

And threatened my life, saying 'just you.'

horizontal rule
50

You know, the original content of this post, if you'll allow me to digress, reminds me of something I don't like in the world: sex acts whose thrill depends on other people's discomfort. At the extreme end of this, I once met a guy who was bragging about how he had his girlfriend drop his towel for some hotel employee while he was out of the room, and then he came back in, forcing the hotel employee to hurriedly swear up and down that she just did it spontaneously, until he (the braggart) reassured him that yes, yes, he knew. Isn't that fucked? It's the 21st century, and he's still playing lord, for sport making the servants fear they'll be punished. Ugh.

horizontal rule
51

Huh. That is fucked. Would you extend that same criticism to exhibitionism generally? It's weird, because it seems like leaving my blinds up in my apartment (which I don't do except once by accident) can hardly contribute to someone else's discomfort, but some fucker might get off on exposing his dick to me on the street, and that is clearly bad.

horizontal rule
52

It can't extend to leaving the blinds up, b/c I'm a lazy ass and I figure that if people see something that bugs them, they can look away, and if they see something they like, then I don't care.

But no, I am not an exhibitionist at all. I just can't be bothered to close the blinds when I get up in the morning or when I'm doing laundry.

horizontal rule
53

Oh no, I'm notorious for leaving the blinds up. In fact, in my college dorm, I had a bathroom window that faced the street, and one time my roommate told me, "Uh, Tia, you know when you're going to the bathroom with the lights on and you don't close the window..." But like Bphd said, you can just look away.

horizontal rule
54

50: Weird. There's definitely a big difference, I think, between a sex act that gets its thrill from its transgressiveness (like dropping your towel) and one that gets its thrill from fucking with strangers (like berating a poor bellhop). I can't even see how that would be hot. Wouldn't that totally take him out of the mood? To have to stop and argue with a hotel employee before getting down to, presumably, having sex with his accomplice?

I'm also curious the context in which this story was related to you.

horizontal rule
55

Well, if he had some big fetish about being The Boss, I guess it would be hot.

He'd be an asshole, but, hey. A lot of people are.

horizontal rule
56

But isn't he treating the woman as an object to be flaunted for the purpose of excting the envy of other males? Isn't that deeply screwed up all around? I mean, that's what Rolexs and Mont Blanc pens and those funny looking cars are for. Surely there are better things to do with women, if only I could remember what the were.

horizontal rule
57

Miniature golf can be fun.

horizontal rule
58

The Story of O-Tia.

horizontal rule
59

Tia's Fanny

horizontal rule
60

I wonder if I'm confused about the genders of the people in 50. Is it: the male friend of Tia tells his female S.O. to flash a male hotel employee so that he can walk in on them and accuse the employee of trying to seduce the S.O.? Cause that doesn't seem to me to make any sense though I guess everybody's MMV. What is confusing me I think is "he had his girlfriend drop his towel" -- should that be "her towel"? (I am assuming it is "her towel" in the reading I just gave because I can't make a coherent story out of it with "his".)

horizontal rule
61

Right J.O., her towel. 56: The reason I am concerned about the bellhop and not about the woman is because in theory there could be mutuality between the woman and the man I was talking to, whereas the bellhop hadn't consented to be part of the scene (though in practice, given what an asshole that guy was, I doubt it was really all that mutual)

54: context: trying to seduce me. Obviously way misreading the situation.

horizontal rule
62

Later he got much smoover, and his seduction technique became a simple "You do the senator's wife thing really well."

horizontal rule
63

Tia, or `Good Conduct Towards the Pizza Guy Well Chastised'

horizontal rule
64

Steelers!

horizontal rule
65

Woo! One for the thumb!

horizontal rule
66

I'm waving my terrible towel in spirit today. Good luck!

horizontal rule
67

So his pickup line (closing line?) was, "I ordered my chick to expose herself to the help so I could jerk him around"...? Far out.

horizontal rule
68

"Hey baby, you know what's hot? Making service employees uncomfortable. Oh yeah. Wanna go back to my place and get into a fight in front of the doorman?"

horizontal rule
69

I've been trying to figure out the target demographic for which that seduction approach would ever be effective and so far I can only come up with other equally assholish guys and characters in Neil LaBute films.

horizontal rule
70

I can imagine a target demographic. It would be the kind of woman who represents herself thus: "i am a crazy sex kitten! meow. r u wild? i am wild! i want 2 do a lot of wild stuff with u! test me. i'll show u i am wild."

horizontal rule
71

Yes, but those kinds of women always turn out to be 47-year-old balding men.

[sexygirl69] meow! r u hot?

horizontal rule
72

And before you ask, he had the cuffs before he knew me, and I have issued an absolute prohibition against the purchase of anything else leather for use with me.

Just to share how dumb I am, I spent a couple of hours wondering what sexual boundary leather cuffs, rather than some alternative means of restraint, would cross. Took me that long to come up with: Duh. Vegan.

horizontal rule
73

Hell, I'm so dumb I didn't even think about it hard, just went to "don't really like leather." Thanx for the explanation, LB.

horizontal rule
74

OK, how about shoe salesmen? My brother worked as a shoe salesman for a time and said that a non-zero percentage of the customers would come in without any panties on.

horizontal rule
75

Re 64, 65: I have the strangest sentiment. Even though I care little to nothing at all about football generally or the Superbowl specifically, I feel like today would be incomplete without a Superbowl post (with intra-game comments, of course) on this blog, because That's What Ogged Would Have Done. Of course, if there were such a post, I would ignore it, but I still think it should be there.

ogged, what have you wrought?

horizontal rule
76

74: For example, the men.

horizontal rule
77

I'd like to see Ben do that Superbowl post.

horizontal rule
78

Actually, Silvana, Ogged wouldn't have written a football post -- he would have just let the group choose which pre-existing unrelated thread they wanted to turn into the football thread.

horizontal rule
79

Ooh! Another vote for 77!

horizontal rule
80

I third the motion, and I think that's a quorum. ben, it is your solemn duty.

horizontal rule
81

No, I think we should do a shoe saleman thread. Ogged isn't the boss of us. We're free!

horizontal rule
82

Thy will be done.

horizontal rule
83

Let's don't be exclusionary. What about the balding 47 year old shoe salesmen watching football? A real life drama of heartburn and loss: Of Corns and Cornchips. The Greatest Degeneration.

horizontal rule
84

Oh, yeah. It is the superbowl today, except it's like the Steelers versus some peewee baseball team or something.

It seems to me that some mildly cunning and horny male (possibly a shoe salesman) would be hitting up a woman somewhere for some kind of hot, um, transgressive sex, if'n he was smart.

ash

['Hey! I betcha my girlfriend needs a break from studying!']

horizontal rule
85

What about the balding 47 year old shoe salesmen watching football?

You mean Al Bundy?

horizontal rule
86

The Al Bundy that can be told of is not the eternal 47 year old balding shoe salesman watching football. The name that can be named is not the eternal name.

horizontal rule
87

MHS, 83 is pwsome.

horizontal rule
88

thank you.

horizontal rule
89

And where the fuck is Chopper? Is it just me, or has he disappeared?

RL getting in the way. Work travel, my wife's dad is ill, etc. I lurk, but I'm constantly about 24-48 hours behind.

horizontal rule