A recent reanalysis of Alfred Kinsey's data, titled "The Relation Between Sexual Orientation and Penile Size," found that homosexuals had significantly larger penises than nonhomosexuals, no matter how the measurements were done.
I have it on good authority that circumference is at least as important as length. Elliptical vs cylindrical? A moderate upward bend at the extremity is also useful. Prehensility creates possibilities.
And finally, what the item is attached to is not irrelevant.
Have you sent me an email, SB? If so, I don't think I received it.
I did. It must be shivering under a bridge out there in the cruel internet megalopolis. It used to answer to "Slate's cock theorists are no match for our own", but now it just goes by "Butch".
It's your over-reliance on sterile technology that's leaving you alienated and disconnected, Standpipe. Do as I do and cock-massage apostropher. It's the key to fulfillment, if not enlightenment.
What really needs to happen is that SB and apo need to employ a psychic who can communicate with the land of spam filtered email to rescue Butch from huddling on park benches wih only a copy of Manly Dominion in a Passive-Purple-Four-Ball World for a pillow, hustling penis enlargement pills to make a buck. Then, after the psychic contacts Butch and lets her know she's still loved and remembered, the psychic leaves, and apo winks at SB as if to say that the real fulfillment activities have yet to begin, SB can say, "But apo, the medium was the massage."
Osner, let me explain something to you about the facts of life. You don't stretch your penis before you put it in the girl; that's only if you want to measure it.
I don't know if this is in the spirit of things or not, but I just got back from my allergist where I had to undergo a "prick test." Should I be glad that it came out negative...?
Speaking of lubrication, do you guys prefer butter or margarine? I like the margarine because it spreads more easily, but I've heard that it might not be as good for my partner.
Confirmation: my spam filter snagged SB's email. I am touched, however, that when Slate publishes an article about penises that so many of you guys think of me first.
I just want to say that I though of what perhaps would have been the grossest comment ever made at Unfogged, and I actually refrained from making it. It would have been made at 69, where Becks is complaining about how gross the comments are.
BTW did you think of making this purportedly grossest comment soon after Becks' 69 was posted, when it would have been clever and funny, or just now when you posted 85, by which time it would have been totally l4m3? And not worth posting without creating a secondary ruckus about how great you are for thinking of the grossest comment and not posting it? Just sayin.
BTW, the collegehumor.com people can't do anything right. Their version of the Sandpaper Sally joke has "puss" for "pus." That just ruins the whole joke, if such a thing be possible.
More awesome than anything has a right to be.
Posted by SomeCallMeTim | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 10:45 AM
And did you see this associated note?
Posted by SomeCallMeTim | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 10:47 AM
I should note for the record that Michael alerted me to this article.
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 10:49 AM
I should note for the record that Michael alerted me to this article.
Interesting. Do you read your @unfogged.com email, apo?
Posted by Standpipe Bridgeplate | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 11:07 AM
Slate also tackles the important "do circumcised or uncircumcised men have better sex" issue today.
Posted by Becks | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 11:08 AM
4: It forwards to my home address, so yes.
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 11:13 AM
I have it on good authority that circumference is at least as important as length. Elliptical vs cylindrical? A moderate upward bend at the extremity is also useful. Prehensility creates possibilities.
And finally, what the item is attached to is not irrelevant.
Posted by bob mcmanus | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 11:22 AM
Have you sent me an email, SB? If so, I don't think I received it.
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 11:24 AM
Have you sent me an email, SB? If so, I don't think I received it.
I did. It must be shivering under a bridge out there in the cruel internet megalopolis. It used to answer to "Slate's cock theorists are no match for our own", but now it just goes by "Butch".
Posted by Standpipe Bridgeplate | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 11:31 AM
It must be shivering under a bridge out there in the cruel internet megalopolis.
Or crumpled up in his back pocket, with the rest of the interweb.
Posted by Armsmasher | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 11:33 AM
Huh. I'll check the laptop when I get home from work. Maybe I just missed it or the spam filter grabbed it.
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 11:37 AM
We all know the real answer is "Michael promised me sexual favors", so you can stop pretending.
Posted by Standpipe Bridgeplate | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 11:42 AM
It seems plausible that putting "cock" in the subject line may make an e-mail more likely to be spam filtered.
Posted by Matt Weiner | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 11:46 AM
13 is right, which is why i attatch images instead of writing it out.
Posted by Michael | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 11:49 AM
What has the world come to, that I can't cock-message apostropher?
Posted by Standpipe Bridgeplate | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 11:50 AM
Michael promised sexual favors to the spam filters too.
Posted by Tia | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 11:50 AM
It's your over-reliance on sterile technology that's leaving you alienated and disconnected, Standpipe. Do as I do and cock-massage apostropher. It's the key to fulfillment, if not enlightenment.
Posted by Tia | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 11:55 AM
Do as I do and cock-massage apostropher.
Yes, yes, good advice for the entire community.
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 12:03 PM
fulfillment
Please, don't leave anything to our imaginations...
Posted by Jeremy Osner | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 12:03 PM
Do they have any figures on ejaculatory distance?
Posted by Adam Kotsko | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 12:05 PM
(Now picturing Adam playing a variation on paintball...)
Posted by ac | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 12:13 PM
Are we to understand that the goopy liquid issues are all but overcome?
Posted by Standpipe Bridgeplate | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 12:15 PM
So apo got cock blocked? Rough.
Posted by Armsmasher | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 12:18 PM
Not with me, SB.
Posted by ac | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 12:20 PM
I'm too busy with Miss Marple, at the moment.
Posted by ac | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 12:21 PM
What really needs to happen is that SB and apo need to employ a psychic who can communicate with the land of spam filtered email to rescue Butch from huddling on park benches wih only a copy of Manly Dominion in a Passive-Purple-Four-Ball World for a pillow, hustling penis enlargement pills to make a buck. Then, after the psychic contacts Butch and lets her know she's still loved and remembered, the psychic leaves, and apo winks at SB as if to say that the real fulfillment activities have yet to begin, SB can say, "But apo, the medium was the massage."
Posted by Tia | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 12:35 PM
26: Awesome. Also, I was watching Annie Hall this weekend.
Posted by washerdreyer | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 12:39 PM
The shaggy-dog-story which was Unfogged is over now, having culminated with the punchline supplied by Tia at 26. Move along.
Posted by Jeremy Osner | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 12:39 PM
Indeed. Once Apostropher arrives, the party's over.
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 12:47 PM
I can keep arriving over and over again, though, so don't stop partying on my account.
Posted by Tia | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 12:54 PM
arriving
'S that a pun for "coming"? Cause it's a bit of a stretch if so.
Posted by Jeremy Osner | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 12:55 PM
Hey, if stretching helps you arrive, that's cool.
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 1:00 PM
Osner, let me explain something to you about the facts of life. You don't stretch your penis before you put it in the girl; that's only if you want to measure it.
Posted by Tia | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 1:01 PM
Pwnie au sens de Weiner...
Posted by Tia | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 1:01 PM
I can keep arriving over and over again
I can totally confirm this.
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 1:02 PM
21: I'm the next Jackson Pollack.
Posted by Adam Kotsko | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 1:24 PM
I don't know about the penis enlargement creams you get emails about, but Crisco has exactly the opposite of the effect you're hoping for.
Posted by John Emerson | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 1:29 PM
Do you mean it gums up the works rather than lubricating them? Or something else?
Posted by Jeremy Osner | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 1:34 PM
I can testify that Crisco lived up to and exceeded my expectations as a shortening agent.
Posted by Jeremy Osner | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 1:38 PM
But you did make it four minutes, Osner! Keep working on it.
Posted by Tia | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 1:41 PM
And it came out light, flaky, and golden brown!
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 1:42 PM
I always show up late to these parties...
Posted by Jeremy Osner | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 1:52 PM
I don't know if this is in the spirit of things or not, but I just got back from my allergist where I had to undergo a "prick test." Should I be glad that it came out negative...?
Posted by Matthew Harvey | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 2:00 PM
Matthew Harvey, we're all in apo's spirit at this point.
Posted by Tia | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 2:03 PM
MH, that's a subjective question. How do you feel about testing negative for a prick?
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 2:04 PM
Well, apo, I feel as though they couldn't have been looking very carefully. (IYKWIM...) Unless they were confirming that I am not a prick.
Posted by Matthew Harvey | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 2:07 PM
40: Most of that was spent running down to the kitchen, and rummaging through the cupboards...
Posted by Jeremy Osner | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 2:09 PM
We are what we eat, Matthew.
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 2:17 PM
[wail] Iiiiii aaaaam apoooooostropher's spiiiiiiiiriiit[/wail]
Posted by Tia | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 2:18 PM
WHo says you have to /wail ing?
Posted by Chopper | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 2:26 PM
Speaking of lubrication, do you guys prefer butter or margarine? I like the margarine because it spreads more easily, but I've heard that it might not be as good for my partner.
Posted by Adam Kotsko | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 2:33 PM
Lard.
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 2:35 PM
Expeller pressed safflower oil.
Posted by Tia | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 2:36 PM
WD-40
Posted by fiend | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 2:42 PM
Lard.
a/k/a Apostroglide.
Posted by Standpipe Bridgeplate | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 2:45 PM
grits
Posted by Chopper | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 2:45 PM
Youse guys are phillistines! I don't see how anyone could use anything besides extra-virgin olive oil.
Posted by Jeremy Osner | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 2:46 PM
Apo goes for lard over bacon fat?
Posted by Becks | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 2:50 PM
When you're stuck like glue
Vaseline
When you need some goo
When you're stuck like glue
Vaseline
When you're black and blue
Vaseline
la la la la la la la la la la
Posted by ac | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 2:52 PM
Unleaded.
Posted by Armsmasher | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 2:53 PM
OH, I'll put some sugar in your gas tank, baby
Put some sugar in your tank
You may start coughing and squirming
but you won't get far from me
Posted by Chopper | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 2:56 PM
I know a girl who
Thinks of ghosts
She'll make ya breakfast
She'll make ya toast
She don't use butter
She don't use cheese
She don't use jelly
Or any of these
She uses vaseline
Posted by Armsmasher | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 2:58 PM
Vaseline seems to have the support of the alternative rock community.
Posted by ac | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 3:03 PM
57: One hopes it wouldn't be extra-virgin for long.
(Yeah, that was kind of weak.)
Posted by Matthew Harvey | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 3:08 PM
Let's not forget "Vasoline". Sausagely was apparently a Stone Temple Pilot.
Posted by Standpipe Bridgeplate | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 3:08 PM
I like hydraulic fluid, cause I'm like a jack hammer.
Posted by tweedledopey | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 3:09 PM
What about those synthetic motor oils? They say you have to change them less often, but I'm skeptical.
Posted by Adam Kotsko | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 3:26 PM
blood, the natural lubricant.
Posted by matty | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 3:29 PM
OK, I've been ewwwed out for about the last 20 comments (including my own). I vote we go back to talking about size and circumcision.
Posted by Becks | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 3:37 PM
Priss.
Posted by ac | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 3:41 PM
circumcision: decreases size. provides its own lubricant.
Posted by matty | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 3:44 PM
70: There's no r in that word, ac. And it's a crappy lubricant.
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 3:45 PM
Honestly, what kind of wusses are you all? What's wrong with good old fashioned spit?
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 5:25 PM
"
Once you've become a veteran of the penis-elongation debate (and I invite you to join), you know all about how data can be massaged or manipulated.
"
Only the data? I can't believe it's post 74 and no-one has done anything with this sentence.
Posted by Maynard Handley | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 5:26 PM
The "ahem" in the post kinda made it implicit, don't you think?
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 5:27 PM
You're taking spit over unleaded gasoline and we're the wusses?
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 5:28 PM
73: I've heard that if you're doing it right, the woman produces her own lube, but I don't believe it.
Posted by Adam Kotsko | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 5:40 PM
This is a beautiful discussion for Valentine's Day.
I reckon snot would make good, natural lube, but I've never actually given it a go.
I vote we go back to talking about size and circumcision.
I'm huge, almost a monstrosity. When were we talking about circumcision? I missed that.
Posted by Urple | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 5:47 PM
77: do you mean poo or tinkle?
Posted by text | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 5:50 PM
#76: Hey, I'm a girl. My manhood isn't the issue here.
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 5:55 PM
79: Neither. I'm at a loss.
Posted by Adam Kotsko | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 6:05 PM
it is a mysterious science.
Posted by text | Link to this comment | 02-14-06 6:12 PM
64 -- nyuk nyuk nyuk
Posted by Jeremy Osner | Link to this comment | 02-15-06 5:37 AM
Confirmation: my spam filter snagged SB's email. I am touched, however, that when Slate publishes an article about penises that so many of you guys think of me first.
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 02-15-06 7:04 AM
I just want to say that I though of what perhaps would have been the grossest comment ever made at Unfogged, and I actually refrained from making it. It would have been made at 69, where Becks is complaining about how gross the comments are.
Posted by Tia | Link to this comment | 02-15-06 2:37 PM
Would it involve taking up her suggestion and starting talking about size and circumcision?
Posted by Jeremy Osner | Link to this comment | 02-15-06 2:38 PM
OK, now I want to hear it, Tia. Don't be a tease.
Posted by Becks | Link to this comment | 02-15-06 2:39 PM
Yes, you must.
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 02-15-06 2:40 PM
Don't be a tease.
Tool of the patriarchy.
Posted by Jeremy Osner | Link to this comment | 02-15-06 2:41 PM
Maybe I should email it to you, and you can be my secret becks, to go along with my secret weiner.
Posted by Tia | Link to this comment | 02-15-06 2:41 PM
We need to have a "grossest comment" thread all it's own. Someone set it up.
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 02-15-06 2:41 PM
its
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 02-15-06 2:43 PM
Oh, crap, I deserve to die.
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 02-15-06 2:44 PM
I've got a secret, too, Tia. Woo!
Posted by Becks | Link to this comment | 02-15-06 2:45 PM
Becks, are you taunting me? Because I just sent you the email. I hope you feel guilty now.
Posted by Tia | Link to this comment | 02-15-06 2:48 PM
If it was just some variation on the Sandpaper Sally joke, I'm going to be totally disappointed.
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 02-15-06 2:49 PM
BTW did you think of making this purportedly grossest comment soon after Becks' 69 was posted, when it would have been clever and funny, or just now when you posted 85, by which time it would have been totally l4m3? And not worth posting without creating a secondary ruckus about how great you are for thinking of the grossest comment and not posting it? Just sayin.
Posted by Jeremy Osner | Link to this comment | 02-15-06 2:51 PM
JO, you've exposed me for the attention whore that I am. And now you will, never, ever know my comment. I hope you're proud of yourself.
Posted by Tia | Link to this comment | 02-15-06 2:58 PM
Send it to me!
BTW, the collegehumor.com people can't do anything right. Their version of the Sandpaper Sally joke has "puss" for "pus." That just ruins the whole joke, if such a thing be possible.
Posted by Matt Weiner | Link to this comment | 02-15-06 3:01 PM
I'm feeling left out. :( I wanna know the joke. I even have a truly filthy one with which to reciprocate.
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 02-15-06 3:12 PM