Sexual molestation by stepparents is much more common than sexual molestation by biological parents. Question: is it more common by actual stepparents who believe themselves to be biological parents? Good luck designing that study.
Wow, I'm only halfway through, but my god, the brother's reaction here is horrifying:
"This isn't fair," Garrett shouts. "Dad never once tried anything with me. He didn't even think about it. Why am I the one being punished? I want to see my dad and he wants to see me. This whole thing is stupid."
No, I realize that, and I think it's an understandable reaction for a 17-year old kid to have, yes. Nonetheless, I find it sobering that this kid, an adolescent boy, is primarily concerned with the effect of his dad's molesting his little sister on *him*. In conjunction with the rest of the article--the father's attempts to explain his actions--I find it upsetting that neither of these guys seems to recognize that the victim's situation is way more important than their own.
That said, I find the piece really moving, and in fact I think it provokes a great deal of pity--empathy?--for the author's father. I find his description of his depression really moving, and having been there, yes: I can imagine a state in which one is so desperate for human contact from a non-threatening source (since pretty much everything is threatening when you're severely depressed) that one would "reach out" for solace to a 9-year old and rationalize it the way he does. Sobering thought.
It's amazing that the Mineshaft has turned into an encounter group about sexual exploitation. I am wondering if this has anything to do with the differences between men's and women's experiences of sex, and whether anyone else is wondering this.
neither of these guys seems to recognize that the victim's situation is way more important than their own.
Given the focus of the article (it's "my need to come to terms with what Dad did" not "the comprehensive overview of the awfulness of what Dad did") isn't this probably the result of what the author chooses to omit, rather than some actual emotional failing on the participants' part?
It's amazing that the Mineshaft has turned into an encounter group about sexual exploitation. I am wondering if this has anything to do with the differences between men's and women's experiences of sex, and whether anyone else is wondering this.
I have not been thinking about that.
I'm sure that it is more traumatic to be molested than it is to find out that your father molested your stepsister, but I think that the former is still pretty damn traumatic.
And also, when you're 17, it's hard not to be self-centered, by which I mean not selfish, but seeing the world from your own vantage point, viewing all events in terms of how they affect you. In fact, I think it's hard for a lot of people to move beyond that stage.
I guess I find the brother's reaction understandable, pitiable too. I think the self-centeredness is not to be wondered at. Missing from the account--I don't think there's anything wrong with that--is the impact on the second family, to which the author is not close. She would naturally focus on the "channel" relating to her and her brother. The molested girl, her brothers, and the second wife are out there too, and he's their dad too. Although considering what the author says about the arc of his life, they may, or must remember an almost different person. What depression does/means scares the hell out of me too.
Also, in the kid's defense, the family situation appears to have been such that the molested step-sister was almost a stranger to the other children. That doesn't make ignoring her perspective right, but it does make it comprehensible.
It's amazing that the Mineshaft has turned into an encounter group about sexual exploitation. I am wondering if this has anything to do with the differences between men's and women's experiences of sex, and whether anyone else is wondering this.
Can you elaborate on what you're amazed by a little? I'm interested, but I I'm not following.
I was struck by the author's own confusion about her father. Did she really wonder about whether he had committed such an awful crime? Was her visit really an attempt to reconcile her love for her father with her anger? Was she struggling with a sense of guilt herself, caused by her own anger/resentment at her stepsister, both for threatening her place with her father, and then (unjustly) for causing her father to be sent away?
I don't get the sense that the visit resolved much for her, though it may have at least moved her through denial.
#8: Obviously the author's decisions may be distorting my impression of her brother. Having said that, what I find interesting--and this could be horseshit, b/c her presence in the piece is obviously way larger and therefore inevitably more nuanced than her brother's--is that yeah, the piece is about "my feelings about my dad the pedophile," but those feelings seem prompted, in large part, by her identification with the victim, whereas her brother doesn't seem to demonstrate that at all.
#12: I just think that there's been a rather marked shift away from "who is hot, phwoar, let's flirt and trade cock jokes" to more serious discussions and posts, which in the last few days have been largely about some fucked-up shit: molestation, rape, prostitution, birth control, even the tit-showing thing--which, while all in good fun, had this under-discussion of Girls Gone Wild that was remarkably unprurient.
All I can think of now is that moment in Rocky Horror when the audience yells "tell us about your testicles" and the narrator replies "heavy, black, and pendulous."
Hmm. That doesn't seem like much of a change to me. I guess there's are fewer pictures of Rachel Wach-whatever-her-nameis' butt, but there have been interesting and reasonably non-prurient discussions of gender stuff as long as I've been hanging around here.
I just heard about a guy who physically abused his son terribly, but not his two daughters, because he was the kind of sexist who was raised never to hit a woman or girl.
Not a rural legend at all, I know one of the sisters and a friend has heard the story from the brother.
Sexual molestation by stepparents is much more common than sexual molestation by biological parents. Question: is it more common by actual stepparents who believe themselves to be biological parents? Good luck designing that study.
Posted by FL | Link to this comment | 02-20-06 7:17 AM
Wow, I'm only halfway through, but my god, the brother's reaction here is horrifying:
"This isn't fair," Garrett shouts. "Dad never once tried anything with me. He didn't even think about it. Why am I the one being punished? I want to see my dad and he wants to see me. This whole thing is stupid."
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 02-20-06 8:25 AM
Really? I think that's an understandable reaction.
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 02-20-06 8:28 AM
B, I think what the brother was objecting to was that he couldn't see his father, not that his father was in jail at all.
Posted by Tia | Link to this comment | 02-20-06 8:28 AM
No, I realize that, and I think it's an understandable reaction for a 17-year old kid to have, yes. Nonetheless, I find it sobering that this kid, an adolescent boy, is primarily concerned with the effect of his dad's molesting his little sister on *him*. In conjunction with the rest of the article--the father's attempts to explain his actions--I find it upsetting that neither of these guys seems to recognize that the victim's situation is way more important than their own.
That said, I find the piece really moving, and in fact I think it provokes a great deal of pity--empathy?--for the author's father. I find his description of his depression really moving, and having been there, yes: I can imagine a state in which one is so desperate for human contact from a non-threatening source (since pretty much everything is threatening when you're severely depressed) that one would "reach out" for solace to a 9-year old and rationalize it the way he does. Sobering thought.
It's amazing that the Mineshaft has turned into an encounter group about sexual exploitation. I am wondering if this has anything to do with the differences between men's and women's experiences of sex, and whether anyone else is wondering this.
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 02-20-06 8:41 AM
Half-sister, to be fair. But even "little girl" would do.
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 02-20-06 8:58 AM
Don't otherize me, B.
Posted by SomeCallMeTim | Link to this comment | 02-20-06 9:03 AM
neither of these guys seems to recognize that the victim's situation is way more important than their own.
Given the focus of the article (it's "my need to come to terms with what Dad did" not "the comprehensive overview of the awfulness of what Dad did") isn't this probably the result of what the author chooses to omit, rather than some actual emotional failing on the participants' part?
Posted by FL | Link to this comment | 02-20-06 9:03 AM
It's amazing that the Mineshaft has turned into an encounter group about sexual exploitation. I am wondering if this has anything to do with the differences between men's and women's experiences of sex, and whether anyone else is wondering this.
I have not been thinking about that.
I'm sure that it is more traumatic to be molested than it is to find out that your father molested your stepsister, but I think that the former is still pretty damn traumatic.
And also, when you're 17, it's hard not to be self-centered, by which I mean not selfish, but seeing the world from your own vantage point, viewing all events in terms of how they affect you. In fact, I think it's hard for a lot of people to move beyond that stage.
Posted by bostoniangirl | Link to this comment | 02-20-06 9:05 AM
#5
Oh yes, I'm wondering that.
I guess I find the brother's reaction understandable, pitiable too. I think the self-centeredness is not to be wondered at. Missing from the account--I don't think there's anything wrong with that--is the impact on the second family, to which the author is not close. She would naturally focus on the "channel" relating to her and her brother. The molested girl, her brothers, and the second wife are out there too, and he's their dad too. Although considering what the author says about the arc of his life, they may, or must remember an almost different person. What depression does/means scares the hell out of me too.
Posted by John Tingley | Link to this comment | 02-20-06 9:06 AM
You're right, B. The sexual tenor of this place has shifted.
Posted by Standpipe Bridgeplate | Link to this comment | 02-20-06 9:08 AM
Also, in the kid's defense, the family situation appears to have been such that the molested step-sister was almost a stranger to the other children. That doesn't make ignoring her perspective right, but it does make it comprehensible.
It's amazing that the Mineshaft has turned into an encounter group about sexual exploitation. I am wondering if this has anything to do with the differences between men's and women's experiences of sex, and whether anyone else is wondering this.
Can you elaborate on what you're amazed by a little? I'm interested, but I I'm not following.
Posted by LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 02-20-06 9:09 AM
I was struck by the author's own confusion about her father. Did she really wonder about whether he had committed such an awful crime? Was her visit really an attempt to reconcile her love for her father with her anger? Was she struggling with a sense of guilt herself, caused by her own anger/resentment at her stepsister, both for threatening her place with her father, and then (unjustly) for causing her father to be sent away?
I don't get the sense that the visit resolved much for her, though it may have at least moved her through denial.
Posted by Andrew | Link to this comment | 02-20-06 9:30 AM
#8: Obviously the author's decisions may be distorting my impression of her brother. Having said that, what I find interesting--and this could be horseshit, b/c her presence in the piece is obviously way larger and therefore inevitably more nuanced than her brother's--is that yeah, the piece is about "my feelings about my dad the pedophile," but those feelings seem prompted, in large part, by her identification with the victim, whereas her brother doesn't seem to demonstrate that at all.
#12: I just think that there's been a rather marked shift away from "who is hot, phwoar, let's flirt and trade cock jokes" to more serious discussions and posts, which in the last few days have been largely about some fucked-up shit: molestation, rape, prostitution, birth control, even the tit-showing thing--which, while all in good fun, had this under-discussion of Girls Gone Wild that was remarkably unprurient.
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 02-20-06 9:49 AM
a rather marked shift away
Pendulums. We'll be back to talking about my cock soon enough.
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 02-20-06 9:52 AM
We'll be back to talking about my cock soon enough.
A self-fulfilling prophecy.
Posted by Tia | Link to this comment | 02-20-06 9:54 AM
Self-fulfilling, other-filling, whatever.
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 02-20-06 9:56 AM
Pendulums
All I can think of now is that moment in Rocky Horror when the audience yells "tell us about your testicles" and the narrator replies "heavy, black, and pendulous."
Posted by FL | Link to this comment | 02-20-06 10:01 AM
14-
Hmm. That doesn't seem like much of a change to me. I guess there's are fewer pictures of Rachel Wach-whatever-her-nameis' butt, but there have been interesting and reasonably non-prurient discussions of gender stuff as long as I've been hanging around here.
Posted by LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 02-20-06 10:04 AM
I agree with LB. It tends to go in cycles.
Posted by Becks | Link to this comment | 02-20-06 10:11 AM
Well maybe I was just banned while this was going on.
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 02-20-06 10:15 AM
Oh right, I forgot the rules. BitchPhD is banned!
Until we start talking about my cock.
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 02-20-06 10:21 AM
Now, see, that's oppression right there. I'm going to ignore you and go read Vogue.
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 02-20-06 10:44 AM
Rachel Wacholder.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 02-20-06 10:53 AM
23: Did somebody mention my cock?
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 02-20-06 10:56 AM
I just heard about a guy who physically abused his son terribly, but not his two daughters, because he was the kind of sexist who was raised never to hit a woman or girl.
Not a rural legend at all, I know one of the sisters and a friend has heard the story from the brother.
Posted by John Emerson | Link to this comment | 02-20-06 5:07 PM