I was one of the world's only five-year-olds with an ulcer (make of that what you will), and had to drink one of those nasty things for the doctor to confirm that, indeed, it was an ulcer that had been making me cry for three days straight. 32 years later, if I think about it, I can still taste it.
I've done the Barium gig for some stomach trouble in my teen years (turned out to be gastroparesis -- yum!).
Even better was the radioactive-egg test, wherein I consumed scrambled eggs doused with some radioactive (but supposedly not harmful to me?) substance, and then sat for 90 minutes while the doctors watched the radioactive material make its way through my system.
That night I went to work at a pizza parlor, and my manager asked if my pee was radioactive green. To date, said manager remains the only direct supervisor ever to inquire about the color of my urine.
I had emergency surgury a few months ago for a ruptured appendix and had to have the cat scan as well. However, I was treated to a wonderfully awful concoction of sprite and what tasted like ground up tylenol. The worst part was they brought it in a cup that more resembled a trash can than a drinking vessel. "Drink this all in about 15 minutes and then we will bring you another...but dont drink it too fast, just in sips..." Looking back, that was probably the worst part of the whole ordeal...
12: By that point, you'll be able to share it with the world as VR. "FEEL the frustration of Labs's constipation! THRILL to his bowl movement! CRY when he can't remember his daughter's name! SMILE at he tries Depends for the first time!"
I do not envy you, Labs, as I would honestly rather die than have gastro-intestinal problems. Bring on the headaches, the back pain, whatever, but leave my belly alone.
By the by, though, this is a really well-written post. If this academic gig doesn't work out, I vote a James Frey-style half-bullshit memoir.
B, the funny thing about this whole experience is that it's in response to *a really mild pain.* No serious discomfort, no food problems, no badness. The tests are just ruling out the worst-case explanations.
One of the many problems with HSAs: there's no easy link between how much it hurts and how serious it might be. From the inside, might be a little colonic irritation, might be a tumor-- who can say? Or: George Bush should read the Gorgias.
I found the whole thing relatively innocuous compared to the spinal tap, but, then, I was in the "3% have a bad reaction to the spinal tap." I'm quite often lucky enough to be in that sort of 3%.
Calling the reaction one will have to the dye going in the IV, "you may feel a flushing sensation" seemed to me to be of a par with "you'll feel a little pressure now" when they mean another word starting with "p."
The barium going in the other way isn't something I'd do for fun, either, although it beats having your broken arm bone yanked on to set it, in my experience.
You really don't want to play hospital stories with me, though certainly many folks could beat me.
Everyone could beat me. Have had a cat-scratched eye and an ear infection. My entire medical history in 50+ years. BP 120/80, pulse 80, blood sugar 100.
No significant allergies, aches or pains. Walk dogs 5 miles a day in 2 hours, lift weights every other day. Firm regular stools, easy and painless urination. No erectile impairment.
My family hates me. I deserve much worse for my sinful lifestyle. I think I may go at any minute.
Seriously, that reminds me of this guy I knew who always bragged about shooting aces and how long a streak he had of doing so- something like over a month since he used a piece of toilet paper. (Is that a well known term? Shooting an ace is one that requires no cleanup.) If you have to mention it, it's probably not true because it's on your mind.
I have a comparable medical history, but 20 years less. Never been in the hospital, never broken a bone, never had stiches.
Thrilling details: my blood pressure is down to the absolute lowest it's been in years, thanks to months of medication: 185/95.
Okay, it was a bit higher again last time I checked, three days ago (195/105). But that one from last week was the lowest measured in about twenty years compared to the usual 215-225/~110. (Thus: reading blogs and online opinions not indictable as a cause.) I'm less winded going up and down the stairs, and walking a few blocks, too. Woohoo.
a chalky white drink with a taste
I was one of the world's only five-year-olds with an ulcer (make of that what you will), and had to drink one of those nasty things for the doctor to confirm that, indeed, it was an ulcer that had been making me cry for three days straight. 32 years later, if I think about it, I can still taste it.
[shudder]
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 03- 3-06 9:19 AM
we'll just let that one pass
You'll be letting it pass soon enough, my friend. (Poo jokes OK, right?)
Posted by Matt Weiner | Link to this comment | 03- 3-06 9:22 AM
Sounds like an entertaining morning, at least.
Posted by LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 03- 3-06 9:22 AM
[redacted]
Posted by [redacted] | Link to this comment | 03- 3-06 9:36 AM
I've done the Barium gig for some stomach trouble in my teen years (turned out to be gastroparesis -- yum!).
Even better was the radioactive-egg test, wherein I consumed scrambled eggs doused with some radioactive (but supposedly not harmful to me?) substance, and then sat for 90 minutes while the doctors watched the radioactive material make its way through my system.
That night I went to work at a pizza parlor, and my manager asked if my pee was radioactive green. To date, said manager remains the only direct supervisor ever to inquire about the color of my urine.
Posted by Stanley | Link to this comment | 03- 3-06 9:38 AM
Liveblog!
Posted by Matt Weiner | Link to this comment | 03- 3-06 9:38 AM
Wow. I wrote about my pee before seeing the poo joke. Scatology day at Unfogged?
Posted by Stanley | Link to this comment | 03- 3-06 9:40 AM
I had emergency surgury a few months ago for a ruptured appendix and had to have the cat scan as well. However, I was treated to a wonderfully awful concoction of sprite and what tasted like ground up tylenol. The worst part was they brought it in a cup that more resembled a trash can than a drinking vessel. "Drink this all in about 15 minutes and then we will bring you another...but dont drink it too fast, just in sips..." Looking back, that was probably the worst part of the whole ordeal...
Posted by dustin | Link to this comment | 03- 3-06 9:48 AM
Labs is clearly intent on killing Unfogged's 18-30 year-old demographic presence.
Posted by SomeCallMeTim | Link to this comment | 03- 3-06 9:51 AM
SCMT: are you against a good poop joke? Also: why do you hate freedom?
Posted by Stanley | Link to this comment | 03- 3-06 10:03 AM
9: Don't worry, they'll tune in to hear my controversial pronouncements about aesthetics. I'm the voice of my generation.
Posted by Tia | Link to this comment | 03- 3-06 10:26 AM
[redacted]
Posted by [redacted] | Link to this comment | 03- 3-06 10:27 AM
12: By that point, you'll be able to share it with the world as VR. "FEEL the frustration of Labs's constipation! THRILL to his bowl movement! CRY when he can't remember his daughter's name! SMILE at he tries Depends for the first time!"
Posted by SomeCallMeTim | Link to this comment | 03- 3-06 10:34 AM
SMILE at he tries Depends for the first time!
It won't have been the first time; just the first time he needed it.
(Can I say that, still?)
Posted by Tia | Link to this comment | 03- 3-06 10:37 AM
I do not envy you, Labs, as I would honestly rather die than have gastro-intestinal problems. Bring on the headaches, the back pain, whatever, but leave my belly alone.
By the by, though, this is a really well-written post. If this academic gig doesn't work out, I vote a James Frey-style half-bullshit memoir.
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 03- 3-06 11:06 AM
Check it out, Labs makes a cameo in the first panel of this comic.
Posted by SP | Link to this comment | 03- 3-06 11:53 AM
Wow, that is so totally me.
B, the funny thing about this whole experience is that it's in response to *a really mild pain.* No serious discomfort, no food problems, no badness. The tests are just ruling out the worst-case explanations.
One of the many problems with HSAs: there's no easy link between how much it hurts and how serious it might be. From the inside, might be a little colonic irritation, might be a tumor-- who can say? Or: George Bush should read the Gorgias.
Posted by FL | Link to this comment | 03- 3-06 12:07 PM
Then he could call himself Gorgias George.
Posted by The Modesto Kid | Link to this comment | 03- 3-06 12:08 PM
Wow if all that miserable prep and testing comes out as a B+ experience, I'm starting to understand your B+ review of "My Humps" much better.
You are a really easy grader, huh? Grade inflation rulez!
Posted by Urple | Link to this comment | 03- 3-06 12:12 PM
Not sure where to put this, but here seems as good a place as any:
The DaVinci Load.
How'd we miss that one?
Posted by girl27 | Link to this comment | 03- 3-06 3:16 PM
Welll, I'm glad the pain is mild, but having to drink disgusting things and keep them down sounds . . .
Oh shit, never mind.
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 03- 3-06 3:23 PM
I found the whole thing relatively innocuous compared to the spinal tap, but, then, I was in the "3% have a bad reaction to the spinal tap." I'm quite often lucky enough to be in that sort of 3%.
Calling the reaction one will have to the dye going in the IV, "you may feel a flushing sensation" seemed to me to be of a par with "you'll feel a little pressure now" when they mean another word starting with "p."
The barium going in the other way isn't something I'd do for fun, either, although it beats having your broken arm bone yanked on to set it, in my experience.
You really don't want to play hospital stories with me, though certainly many folks could beat me.
Posted by Gary Farber | Link to this comment | 03- 3-06 3:31 PM
"...though certainly many folks could beat me."
Everyone could beat me. Have had a cat-scratched eye and an ear infection. My entire medical history in 50+ years. BP 120/80, pulse 80, blood sugar 100.
No significant allergies, aches or pains. Walk dogs 5 miles a day in 2 hours, lift weights every other day. Firm regular stools, easy and painless urination. No erectile impairment.
My family hates me. I deserve much worse for my sinful lifestyle. I think I may go at any minute.
Oh. I forgot the psychosis. Doesn't count.
Posted by bob mcmanus | Link to this comment | 03- 3-06 5:07 PM
I don't believe him about the stools. That rings very false.
Posted by John Emerson | Link to this comment | 03- 3-06 5:40 PM
Seriously, that reminds me of this guy I knew who always bragged about shooting aces and how long a streak he had of doing so- something like over a month since he used a piece of toilet paper. (Is that a well known term? Shooting an ace is one that requires no cleanup.) If you have to mention it, it's probably not true because it's on your mind.
I have a comparable medical history, but 20 years less. Never been in the hospital, never broken a bone, never had stiches.
Posted by SP | Link to this comment | 03- 3-06 5:54 PM
Thrilling details: my blood pressure is down to the absolute lowest it's been in years, thanks to months of medication: 185/95.
Okay, it was a bit higher again last time I checked, three days ago (195/105). But that one from last week was the lowest measured in about twenty years compared to the usual 215-225/~110. (Thus: reading blogs and online opinions not indictable as a cause.) I'm less winded going up and down the stairs, and walking a few blocks, too. Woohoo.
Posted by Gary Farber | Link to this comment | 03- 3-06 10:44 PM
20: That's hilarious. I love the editorial substitution of "[remarkable appendage]." Now there's a good band name.
Posted by Matthew Harvey | Link to this comment | 03- 4-06 7:17 AM