Re: Anti-feline machine

1

Find a local feral cat rescue organization (they're all over). They will come and trap the cats, get them medical care, get them spayed/neutered, and adopt out any that are tameable (i.e., kittens). The others they'll re-release, but at least they won't breed.

As to the cat crap in the yard, there are electronic devices that supposedly emit high-pitched frequencies to keep animals out of the yard. Your friend could, of course, get a dog. Or he could just deal with having to go out and shovel up cat crap every few days, just like he'd have to rake leaves if his neighbor hod a big tree or something.

No, he is not allowed to kill the cats.

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2

Napalm.

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3

It ain't cheap, but it's quiet.

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4

Oh yeah, the feral cat places will also have any cats that are really sick put down. Which means that if any of the cats in the colony have kitty aids or anything, they may put down the whole colony (I don't really know--maybe just the ones that test positive). But that's obviously a different matter than just killing them because they're inconvenient.

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5

Your friend should personally crap on Crazy Old Guy's lawn, or better, on Crazy Old Guy.

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6

#5

Yeah, but what if he's into it? That would be awkward.

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7

"Carl—may I call you 'Carl'?—…"

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8

As usual, standpipe's words are as true today as they were thousands of years ago.

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9

6: Not at all. It would strengthen their relationship, which friend obviously values.

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10

Rottweiler.

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11

Labs, what's with this hostility to pets all of a sudden? Are you one of these uptight window-treatment having people who's all persnickity about keeping everything just so in some anal retentive way?

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12

The Unfogged community is full of experts in the area of killing kittens.

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13

As usual, standpipe's words are as true today as they were thousands of years ago.

Thankee, Labs. If only Jesus had taken my advice. "Acts of the Apostles", indeed.

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14

Comment 13 is a refugee from here, or possibly here.

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15

Cannon Law.

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16

B, in all seriousness, the backyard smells terrible and there are flies all over. (It helps to know that the yards are very narrow-- so it's not like this is going on away from the house.) I'm not going to kill the things myself, but if it were me I'd call animal control or some feral cat organization.

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17

Feral cat organization = good.

I'd do the same, honestly. Those tons o' cats situations are never good, and they only get worse. If there's not a feral cat org, then yeah, animal control. And hey, the feral cat people may just tell your friend to call animal control off the bat, if it's a big colony and (as it sounds like it might be) a health hazard.

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18

12: Technically, God kills the kittens. But we do our part.

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19

People who like birds and people who like cats will ne'er agree.

I like birds far more than cats. Cats, if kept inside, are quite delightful. Cats, left outside to roam and be songbird killers and crap in people's flowerbeds, are not.

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20

(psst! winna! over here!)

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21

Dude, I love cats. Seriously love them.

But feral cats? Gotta go. If the neighbor doesn't understand, that's a whole buncha tough shit.

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22

Hey!

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23

I like the ISE kitty. Anyone who prefers birds to the ISE kitty is insane.

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24

Lately I've been thinking that the ISE kitty is looking at me with a reproachful expression on its face.

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25

Yeah! Like that, just then!

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26

You know, there's a way to get God to kill it...

(Actually, maybe that's why it's looking at you reproachfully.)

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27

Dude, that kitten is not reproachful. It wants you to pull a string for it.

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28

Maybe your friend should look into this.

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29

My parents' cat loves me best and so overdoes it to win my affections in the short times I am home. It is rubbing itself against my computer like an awkward middle school boy trying desperately to attract the attention of his crush in homeroom. Or something.

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30

PK was just being sad because our cat loves me best. He doesn't really understand that this might have to do with the fact that I don't, for instance, wave pirate swords at it.

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31

Well, rubbing oneself is one way to attract attention...

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32

(I wouldn't recommend it to cats, though.)

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33

32 - Suicide by masturbation!

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34

I know every time you masturbate God kills a kitten, but what happens every time a kitten masturbates?

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35

I was just wondering that.

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36

I do know that every time you kill a kitten, God masturbates.

(And that's why liberals hate religion.)

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37

"A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call. She had no details before arriving, except that someone had reported that his father was not breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the man face down on the couch, naked. When she rolled him over to check for a pulse and to start CPR, she noticed burn marks around his genitals. After the ambulance arrived and removed the man - who was declared dead on arrival at the hospital - the police made a closer inspection of the couch, and noticed that the man had made a hole between the cushions. Upon flipping the couch over, they discovered what caused his death. Apparently the man had a habit of putting his penis between the cushions, down into the hole and between two electrical sanders (with the sandpaper removed, for obvious reasons). According to the story, after his orgasm the discharge shorted out one of the sanders, electrocuting him"

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38

I think we have our next two-minute mystery. Or would, if we didn't already know the solution.

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39

#37
You can achieve the same effect with two kittens wedged into a hole in the couch below the cushions, with a much lower risk for electric shock. Or so I hear.

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40

(with the sandpaper removed, for obvious reasons)

So far we have a naked guy lying face down with his electrically singed penis piercing the couch. There are no "obvious reasons".

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41

39: You have to position them right, though. Kittens are pointy.

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42

Also, you have to replace one of them each time.

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43

Really just another example of how laziness will be the death of you. Of course, there's a million electronic/pneumatic/hydraulic sex devices for women...maybe god doesn't hate them as much as I thought.

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44

Kittens are pointy.
This can be easily solved with some of that sandpaper which was removed earlier. Safety first.

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45

Honestly, what's wrong with the chicken method?

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46

45: choking the chicken?

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47

No, that thing Ben linked once in a post I can't find.

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48

That's fine if you're a necrophiliac.

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49

And not a germophobe.

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50

Hey, there's such a thing as showers.

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51

Hey, there's such a thing as showers.

Proves too much.

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52

Here's the link, which I recommend you not follow but include for the sake of completeness.

For me, this would be almost (if not more) of a dealbreaker than the shit-in-the-shower guy. Salmonella wigs me out.

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53

I think as long as the breast meat reaches 160 degrees you should be fine. These temperatures could likely be achieved in a (very) hot shower.

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54

Plus, no clean up.

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55

For me, this would be almost (if not more) of a dealbreaker than the shit-in-the-shower guy.

Like someone who fucks chickens is going to tell you?

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56

Oh wait, that's right. I forgot. Becks has a hangup about mixing foods.

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57

My eyes! My fucking eyes!

I missed that post. I'm glad I did, but Becks you ruined everything. I know you said don't follow, but come on. Don't follow to my ears means "follow."

I swear, if there are actually non-hideous men out there considering this method, I will have sex with them just to prevent this from happening ever ever again.

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58

Labs knows a guy whose girlfriend dropped a chicken on his foot in the shower.

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59

You know, I'm really beginning to wonder about all these people Labs "knows."

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60

Like someone who fucks chickens is going to tell you?

I swear, if there are actually non-hideous men out there considering this method, I will have sex with them just to prevent this from happening ever ever again

I think we've just discovered how to get chicken fuckers to divulge their terrible secret.

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61

You know, I'm really beginning to wonder about all these people Labs "knows."

If I could find the thread I was referring to, I could show you Labs making more or less the same joke.

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62

Complaining that search is broken makes the admin Becksus cry.

(It's in the queue.)

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63

No admin, no cry.

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64

I owe somebody a link for that—eb, I think—but I can't find his comment (on Ben's blog) even a little bit.

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65

I swear, if there are actually non-hideous men out there considering this method, I will have sex with them just to prevent this from happening ever ever again.

It's a noble sacrifice you make for humanity, but i'm not sure they're worth it.

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66


They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

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67

64: Are you thinking of "No Wolfson, No Cry?" (Link is to humble pie because that's how I remember that thread.)

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68

57 gives a whole new meaning to perverse incentive.

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69

Gah. Now that this thread is solidly in brain-bleach territory, here's a heartwarming story about a kitten who survived a close encounter with a wood-chipper.

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70

Are you thinking of "No Wolfson, No Cry?"

That's it.

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71

Honestly, there are likely few, even here, who's hearts bleed more than mine for kitties. Even old, sick, unloveable kitties of surly feral dispositions need love, too.

But colonies of feral cats like that.. they ain't doing anybody any favors. Certainly, my thoughts are to the welfare of the kitties and, frankly, the cats are going to be sick, getting into fights, getting hurt. There is a great deal of feline suffering happening as a result of this, and it's selfish of your Crazy Old Guy to perpetuate it for whatever Crazy Old Guy reasons he has.

Feral cat rescue organizations exist because of situations like this one; call them.

Also, wood chippers don't have that 'silky' feel I look for when fantasizing about submissive Asian women.

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72

Another vote for the feral cat organization. My inlaws have barn-cats like this -- dozens of non-pet cats roaming around their barn -- and it's awful. They're sick, they get injured... it's no life at all.

A lousy but perhaps reasurring fact for your friend is that if the spay/re-release operation goes well, and all the cats get spayed, the population should drop fairly fast (fast being a year or so). The cats up at my inlaws don't live long; the only reason there are so many of them is that they have lots of kittens.

He'll probably have to re-call the feral cat people every year or so to see if he can get newcomers spayed, though.

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73

Feral cat organizations are nicely bouncy, and tend to lose their panties in the first episode.

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74

Call the feral cat organization or animal control. It's a health hazard to have that much cat crap lying around.

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73 - He wants the cats spayed, not splayed.

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76

If there's a no-kill shelter around, a reasonably solid donation might convince them to take all the cats and let them live indoors at the shelter, regardless of adoptability. I know there are respectable shelters that do this sort of thing, but it may take some research to find one.

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77

Just chiming in with another vote for a feral cat program. Some such programs have established colonies (not in your neighbor's yard, hopefully) where they re-release the feral cats after fixing them; a colony that contains many or mostly sterilized ferals will quickly decrease in size and the problem contains itself. Just letting them roam around the house/yard with no medical care and no sanitation is not good for anyone, especially the cats. It may also be a health code violation in your friend's jurisdiction to have that many animals, or to have animals that are not vaccinated. I love my kittens like they're my own children, but if all else fails, your friend should do the as-yet-unborn offspring of these cats a favor and call animal control.

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78

I should say that you have lovely cats -- that solid-color grey is very fetching.

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79

re- Becks' post about the pigeons

My sister is also afraid of birds. It was rough on her as a child, living in the woods. Hawks aren't very afraid of people, either, and they tend to like lawns carved out of the woods for pouncing upon rabbits.

I suppose her phobia was well earned. It didn't help I used to tell her about eagles carrying off small children just like her.

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80

If there are enough feral cats to choose from, you could probably make a fairly decent cat piano.

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81

The ISE kitty just gave me an Et tu, MAE? look.

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82

"look" s/b "look", dammit.

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83

Becks is both Lizardbreath and teofilo today. Fancy.

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84

All things to all people, that Becks.

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85

But then, it is well known that she is a sea-elder with knowledge of future events who changes her shape at will.

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78: And, they're the offspring of a feral mother who was captured by a local animal rescue.

They are handsome little devils. The litter included two other toms, one who looked just like our two and one who was solid black with strongly Bombay features. The rescue did a great job socializing them all after their rescue. Even the mom got adopted out to a permanent home.

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87

sorry, I meant that Becks pointed me at teo's post.

MY SLOPPY ATTRIBUTION SHAMES ME!

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88

Btw, speaking of feral cats, this video is hilarious. Just don't think too hard about how much food is being wasted, or what's going to happen to those cats when the sudden largesse stops.

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