Labs, I am afraid that I must be unfaithful to your sock puppet obsession. I just can't get it up anymore. It's not you, it's me. You have my permission to go elsewhere for your sockpuppet needs.
It's a terrible shame that I have absolutely no standing to make fun of anyone else for having too much time on their hands. Could someone who doesn't comment much do it for me?
Labs, could you at least include a link to and snarky commentary about some absurd right-wing blog post? I'd like to hear where the trolls come down on the infidelity question.
Suppose, instead, that you met a sockpuppet on Craigslist, then punched that sockpuppet repeatedly in the kidneys for not feeling guilty enough about not working in dog rescue. Is this permissible? If you type your answer, you're wrong, because no one without a sockpuppet on his or her hand could know the answer.
I still don't know who Glenn Greewald is, other than some guy accused of sock puppetry. It seems highly likely that he's a liberal writer of some sort.
Sock puppets are gentle, harmless creatures who only want to entertain us. Who wants to hurt them? Between this and the clown fuckage, there's something seriously wrong with this blog.
So you sea monkeyists would have us believe, with your multi-million dollar brine shrimp lobby and your dual loyalties to the international brachiopodist entity.
Do not put someone else's sock on your hand to make a sock puppet to masturbate with. Otherwise you'll be cheating on your sock puppet. Woe betide he/she who cheats on a sock puppet. You may never find another sock in the whole wide world willing to touch your feet again.
Every time Mother Theresa fucks a starving child in hell, kittens send forth from her arse, each fucking a miniature sock, and inside a miniature hamburgler fucks twenty miniature bonobos, each eating a banana with the stem down and simultaneously telling racist jokes--with their mouths full--to Adam Kotsko.
This thread is the best thing in the history of civilization. Which is good, because those fidelity threads are the worst things humans have ever done.
jesus fucking christ, I have just taken a look at those interminable infidelity threads. 1500 comments, people, is there no God?
It takes me 24 hours a day to just be Daniel Davies and I am tired at the end of it. How do you folks have so much energy that you can live the lives of three or four people to a sufficient extent to be able to judge them?
Dammit. I fell asleep trying to read Patterico's post and when I woke up I'd missed all the fun kitten/Hamburglar/God-fucking parts of the thread. That'll teach me.
When I thought this post was about actual, echt sock puppets, I liked it more.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 1:52 PM
Labs, I am afraid that I must be unfaithful to your sock puppet obsession. I just can't get it up anymore. It's not you, it's me. You have my permission to go elsewhere for your sockpuppet needs.
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 1:59 PM
I fucked a sock puppet once. I never told my wife. I'm afraid she would be devastated if she ever found out. So I live with my guilt.
Posted by My Alter Ego | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 2:02 PM
It's a terrible shame that I have absolutely no standing to make fun of anyone else for having too much time on their hands. Could someone who doesn't comment much do it for me?
Posted by LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 2:03 PM
MAE, it doesn't matter if she finds out or not. The betrayal has already happened.
So you might as well tell her, since whether you tell her or not doesn't make any difference.
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 2:06 PM
I disagree -- the individual issues dominate. Was it argyle?
Posted by LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 2:07 PM
When did you stop knitting your wife?
Posted by eb | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 2:09 PM
Labs, could you at least include a link to and snarky commentary about some absurd right-wing blog post? I'd like to hear where the trolls come down on the infidelity question.
Posted by Brock Landers | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 2:09 PM
Suppose, instead, that you met a sockpuppet on Craigslist, then punched that sockpuppet repeatedly in the kidneys for not feeling guilty enough about not working in dog rescue. Is this permissible? If you type your answer, you're wrong, because no one without a sockpuppet on his or her hand could know the answer.
Posted by FL | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 2:11 PM
Sock monkeys are hilarious. But we've discussed this before, I think.
Posted by strasmangelo jones | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 2:11 PM
4. well, it's either this or practicing yngwie malmsteen covers.
Posted by Michael | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 2:12 PM
I still don't know who Glenn Greewald is, other than some guy accused of sock puppetry. It seems highly likely that he's a liberal writer of some sort.
Posted by Michael | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 2:13 PM
9: Hah, you reveal your total ignorance of the subject. Sockpuppets don't have kidneys!
Posted by LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 2:14 PM
It's a terrible shame that I have absolutely no standing to make fun of anyone else for having too much time on their hands.
OK. Hey, LizardBreath, you have too much time on you hands. Get to work, slacker.
Uh, is this what you wanted?
Posted by Idealist | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 2:17 PM
Was it argyle?
Worse. It was this one.
I've heard he wrote about our encounter in the book, but I haven't had the courage to read it and find out.
Posted by My Alter Ego | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 2:18 PM
Sock puppets are gentle, harmless creatures who only want to entertain us. Who wants to hurt them? Between this and the clown fuckage, there's something seriously wrong with this blog.
Posted by strasmangelo jones | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 2:18 PM
Sock puppets are gentle, harmless creatures who only want to entertain us
Um, pretty sure you are thinking of "sea monkeys". "Sock puppets" are dangerous, savage beasts which must be exterminated.
Posted by Clownæsthesiologist | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 2:22 PM
So you sea monkeyists would have us believe, with your multi-million dollar brine shrimp lobby and your dual loyalties to the international brachiopodist entity.
Posted by strasmangelo jones | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 2:28 PM
No matter how many times I read it, the title still says "cock puppets."
Posted by Robust McManlyPants | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 2:36 PM
What's your problem, Strasmangelo, you need more chum?
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 2:40 PM
"Here's a post containing the complete and unabridged sock allegations."
I prefer them unsmelly, clean, and cotton.
Geez, this isn't more inside baseball, is it? Because you could worn people that it's not about socks.
Otherwise it's deceptive advertising, and I, for one, think we have a right to sue.
Posted by Gary Farber | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 2:40 PM
Or warn them, even. Though the whole socks/worn thing, well.
Posted by Gary Farber | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 2:41 PM
gary! I thought you had made an awesome pun until 22.
Posted by Michael | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 2:42 PM
Darn these sock puppets!
Posted by My Alter Ego | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 2:45 PM
20: I'll have you know that I've elevated myself to the role of dispenser of chum, Dr. B.
Posted by strasmangelo jones | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 2:47 PM
That's my favourite kind of blog. Always up to the wrist in a warm ... something ...
Posted by asilon | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 2:48 PM
16: Between this and the clown fuckage
The way those clowns were dressed, they were totally asking for it.
Posted by Doctor Slack | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 2:50 PM
25: I know, but I was thinking maybe you needed a little chumming of your own.
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 2:52 PM
I mean, you give and give and give. Don't you need a little emotional support now and then?
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 2:53 PM
But I use the chum I have to attract all my various shark friends.
Posted by strasmangelo jones | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 2:54 PM
As long as you're getting some attention. That's all I care about. Really, chum.
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 2:56 PM
Do not put someone else's sock on your hand to make a sock puppet to masturbate with. Otherwise you'll be cheating on your sock puppet. Woe betide he/she who cheats on a sock puppet. You may never find another sock in the whole wide world willing to touch your feet again.
Posted by Adam Ash | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 3:04 PM
Do not put someone else's sock on your hand to make a sock puppet to masturbate with.
Well of course if you are going to masturbate using someone else's sock, you wouldn't put it on your hand.
Posted by My Alter Ego | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 3:30 PM
I hear that Gary had a better post about this on his blog about a month ago.
Posted by Adam Kotsko | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 3:39 PM
No, you'd put it over your face and inhale deeply.
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 3:41 PM
I'm just saying that it's wrong to use someone else's sock puppet, not that it's not forgivable or that you must forgo socks for sandals hereafter.
9 is brilliant.
Posted by Cala | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 3:55 PM
It seems highly likely that he's a liberal writer of some sort.
Former Republican, if I'm not mistaken.
Every time you masturbate with a sock puppet, I eat a cheeseburger.
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 4:24 PM
I want a cheeseburger. I can't have one though.
Posted by Cala | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 4:30 PM
Every time you eat a cheese burger, a sock puppet dies.
Posted by asilon | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 4:31 PM
Everytime you masturabate with a cheeseburger, Apostropher eats a sock puppet.
Posted by Adam Kotsko | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 4:42 PM
Fuck me and my awful spelling!!!
Posted by Adam Kotsko | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 4:42 PM
Every time you fuck Adam, a cheeseburger spells something wrong?
Posted by asilon | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 4:57 PM
Who put that question mark there?
Posted by asilon | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 4:57 PM
Every time you accidentally type ?, Adam gets fucked by the Hamburglar.
Posted by Robust McManlyPants | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 5:26 PM
Every time you sock a kitten, God masturbates under a different identity.
Posted by Mo MacArbie | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 5:37 PM
44 wins.
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 5:46 PM
A sock puppet fucks better than a hamburger.
Posted by Adam Ash | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 5:50 PM
Every time you fuck a kitten, god cries while masturbating into a sockpuppet and eating a cheeseburger.
Posted by Michael | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 5:58 PM
Every time the Hamburglar fucks a kitten, God masturbates into a sock puppet.
Posted by Adam Kotsko | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 6:00 PM
Every time you masturbate with a kitten, fucking it like it was a puppet, God causes one of your socks to get lost in the laundry.
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 6:05 PM
Everytime you fuck god, a kitten masturbates with a cheeseburger on top of a fluffy pile of freshly dryered towels.
Posted by Michael | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 6:07 PM
Every time a kitten fucks God, a cheeseburger comes all over the fries.
Posted by Adam Ash | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 6:24 PM
You Godfucking Godfuckers are definitely going to hell.
Posted by DaveL | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 6:32 PM
At least we'll be popular.
Posted by Michael | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 6:51 PM
definitely going to hell.
Don't I know it.
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 9:22 PM
Every time Mother Theresa fucks a starving child in hell, kittens send forth from her arse, each fucking a miniature sock, and inside a miniature hamburgler fucks twenty miniature bonobos, each eating a banana with the stem down and simultaneously telling racist jokes--with their mouths full--to Adam Kotsko.
Posted by text | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 9:41 PM
We call it, "The Aristocrats".
Posted by Standpipe Bridgeplate | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 9:42 PM
So, what do you call this blog?
--The Aristocrats.
Posted by FL | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 9:43 PM
NOOOOOOO!
Posted by FL | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 9:43 PM
I am so, so pissed off about this.
Posted by FL | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 9:44 PM
This thread is the best thing in the history of civilization. Which is good, because those fidelity threads are the worst things humans have ever done.
Posted by text | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 9:46 PM
Obviously you need to rape Standpipe in the face.
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 9:46 PM
That, or edit the comment.
Posted by FL | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 9:48 PM
Dullard.
Posted by Cala | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 9:49 PM
Ooh, edit the comment! Then we can blog it and point to you and ask what it is that you have to hide, hmmm?
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 9:51 PM
He's hiding his Kantian nihilism. In his shorts.
Posted by Cala | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 9:53 PM
No, that's his mouse.
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 9:53 PM
Is that your categorical imperative or are you just happy to see me?
Posted by Cala | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 9:53 PM
Yes! A kerfuffle!
Posted by FL | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 9:53 PM
Everytime Labs sees a kitten, the resulting mouse action accidentally deletes someone's comment.
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 9:55 PM
Goodnight to all. Once again I am proud to be associated with this fine blog.
Posted by FL | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 9:55 PM
The soundtrack for 57 et seq.
Posted by Standpipe Bridgeplate | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 10:11 PM
Th evolution from what our soundtrack used to be really expresses our loss of innocence here.
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 10:22 PM
"A blog about infidelity and sock puppets" s/b "an eclectic web magazine about infidelity and sock puppets for the discriminating news consumer".
Posted by David Weman | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 10:22 PM
73: By "innocence," do you mean "toolishness"?
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 10:33 PM
By "by 'innocence,' do you mean 'toolishness'" do you mean "I'm yours, you handsome devil"?
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 07-27-06 10:38 PM
jesus fucking christ, I have just taken a look at those interminable infidelity threads. 1500 comments, people, is there no God?
It takes me 24 hours a day to just be Daniel Davies and I am tired at the end of it. How do you folks have so much energy that you can live the lives of three or four people to a sufficient extent to be able to judge them?
Posted by dsquared | Link to this comment | 07-28-06 1:34 AM
jesus fucking christ, I have just taken a look at those interminable infidelity threads. 1500 comments, people, is there no God?
No.
Posted by OneFatEnglishman | Link to this comment | 07-28-06 4:00 AM
You know I do and do and do for you people and do I get shown any appreciation?
Woe betide he/she who cheats on a sock puppet.
What's the subject of this sentence, Adam Ash?
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 07-28-06 4:16 AM
Wolfson, you know perfectly well that Adam Ash is not the subject of that sentence.
Posted by OneFatEnglishman | Link to this comment | 07-28-06 4:21 AM
Dammit. I fell asleep trying to read Patterico's post and when I woke up I'd missed all the fun kitten/Hamburglar/God-fucking parts of the thread. That'll teach me.
Posted by Felix | Link to this comment | 07-28-06 4:58 AM
77: obviously we're all just talking about ourselves in that thread. the post is an excuse. as are everyone else's comments.
Posted by mcmc | Link to this comment | 07-28-06 10:40 AM
76: Yes, of course.
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 07-28-06 12:01 PM
Every time someone comments on this thread, a kitten fucks God in His posterior using a sockpuppet as a condom.
(Just thought I should get the thread back on topic.)
Posted by Adam Ash | Link to this comment | 07-28-06 12:08 PM