Re: Spa Day Review

1

Now we need some before and after pictures.

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Before: Nondescript white woman with long straggly brown hair and a pink face.

After: Nondescript white woman with short tousled brown hair and a problematically flushed face that a dermatologist might be able to do something about.

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Massage is a great thing. One of my music teachers went every other week; she swore by it as a way of keeping her shoulders and back healthy. I went once, and it was fantastic.

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OT: Our efforts on the "Fuck you, clown!" front are bearing fruit.

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4: That photo makes me understand coulrophobia as never before.

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Locks of Love? Great charity. My wife just did the same thing.

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I know a masseuse who wants to trade massage for graphic design. I have to figure out how to price my work so that I can keep this going as long as possible.

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4 -- nice how this festival is timed to coincide with the masturbate-a-thon.

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4: Those aren't real clowns! They're just people putting on make-up to look like clowns.

That's fucked-up.

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Not all facials involve the picking, but yes, facials generally operate with this underlying idea that if your skin were *perfectly fine*, you wouldn't be having a facial. And that, in fact, no one's skin is perfect, so there's always something one needs to do.

Of course, I say this having had one in my entire life. But still, that's my sense of the things.

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11

Lecture from the manicurist about how, as an attorney, I really need to use treatments on my nails so they'll grow longer without breaking

As an attorney, it couldn't hurt to have longer, sharper and more poisonous nails. Did you get your teeth filed too?

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On the other hand, I hear that ten inches of healthy hair goes for at least $150, but good on you, LB, for doing the charitable thing.

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13

11th International Clown Festival in Denmark

Attended by all the Clowns-of-State.

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use treatments on my nails

How does "treatments" differ from "product"?

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Attended by all the Clowns-of-State.

Not all, ours is on vacation in Crawford.

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Okay, re. nails, I will totally confess that this product is fabulous. Push back the cuticles, apply a little oil, your hands look great. Plus it's something to do when you find yourself waiting for something and you haven't brought a book.

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16 -- long nails would interfere with my preferred time-killing activity.

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18

Plus it's something to do when you find yourself waiting for something and you haven't brought a book.
I try hard never to let that happen, but I suppose I could apply the product while reading.

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19

I have long nails on one hand, for guitar playing. They are such a pain to keep neat, and clean.

That pen thingie looks interesting.

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17: "time" s/b "kitten"

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That pen thingie looks interesting

That's what she said.

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re: 18

I used to take 8 hour train journeys up to Glasgow, regularly.

I couldn't believe the number of people that would get on without a book. Sit down opposite me and just do nothing. For 6 or 7 hours.

Either these people were all Buddhist masters engaged in some sort of heavy duty meditation -- and circumstantial evidence suggests that was not the case -- or their brains were just wired wrong.

I couldn't be anywhere for more than about 20 minutes without a book or newspaper.

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23

I couldn't be anywhere for more than about 20 minutes without a book or newspaper.

No more air travel for you, then.

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24

The only treatment I've ever regularly used on my nails is that nasty-tasting, strengthening polish to get you to stop fucking biting your nails already. It helped me kick the habit for awhile. Now I think I need to find another bottle.

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re: 23

Actually, if it was a flight of more than 90 minutes or so, that'd be a deal breaker for me.

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26

So Mcgrattan, like me and for the same reason, won't be spending our tourist buck in your fine cities. The terrists have won.

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27

Wait, no carryons means you can't bring a book?!? That is so entirely uncool. Inflight magazines had better get a shitload more entertaining, longer, and with more puzzles in them for when you've read everything.

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So are all our plane reading suggestions to FL for naught? Or is this just on transatlantic flights? Maybe he could wrap the books in heavy plastic and swallow them, then shit them out in the airplane lavatory, to evade the ban.

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26 has me trying to come up with puns between "tourism/t" and "terrorism/t".

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30

Wait a minute. No more *books*? Is this for real? I'm trrying to make my peace with no drinks (given the low humidity on planes, this is a pain) and no shampoo in the carry-on. But no reading material? What, I'm going to rearrange the ink to make a bomb? I'm going to go crazy on this flight.

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I'm thinking maybe on my next flight I'll write out as much as I can of some book I'm fond of on my own forearms, with a ball-point pen, as if I was back in school taking exams again.

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32

I think you can still bring books. So long as they aren't filled with liquids.

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33

Flying from Britain, or on BA from anywhere, means pretty much no carry-ons. In the US, they seem to be sticking with no liquids.

For now.

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34

23 was clearly written by terrorists in an attempt to generate fear and confusion.

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35

For the UK:

http://www.baa.com/alert_media.html

Has the list of exempted items that can be taken on the plane.
Books not included.

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34: I prefer to think of myself as a freedom fighter, if you don't mind.

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37

Awesomely, the TSA's FAQ includes this:

Q: What should the American people know?
A: We ask every passenger to be alert and report suspicious activity to authorities.

But that's it, champ; you shouldn't know anything else.

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38

Q: What should the American people blindly dread?
A: Oh God! What's that guy sitting next to you doing? Is that a beard? I hear they can smuggle explosives in their beards. Do you think that's true? What's that noise? That's not English he's talking. I feel sick.

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39

What, I'm going to rearrange the ink to make a bomb?

Anything you say can and will be used against you, Labs.

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40

All passengers must be hand searched, and their footwear and all the items they are carrying must be x-ray screened. Any liquids discovered must be removed from the passenger.

We might all want to arrange for catheritzation ahead of time.

Actually, after reading that list, part of me thinks, "great! An excuse not to have to fuck around with a carryon." Then I think, "wait--you're supposed to *check* your laptops? Wow."

And of course the no book thing is just evil.

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41

Any liquids discovered must be removed from the passenger.

This brings a whole new meaning to thw worries about the government messing with our precious bodily fluids.

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42

There is no way I'm going to be able to make it from NYC to Australia without my chapstick and moisturizer.

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If you allow any and all passengers to bring printed material with them on the plane, you run the risk of swarthy foreigners leaving behind scary pieces of paper written in terrifying alphabets.

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44

I'll forego the books if they provide non-stop massages for 9 hours or so. But only then.

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There is no way I'm going to be able to make it from NYC to Australia without my chapstick and moisturizer.

Is this serious?

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41: It seems like a sensible policy. Once we've been dehydrated, it will be easier for airline staff to stack us, stiff and shrivelled and naked and motionless, in heaps, like cordwood, in the cargo compartment. We can be re-hydrated when we reach our destination.

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I don't think chapstick counts as a liquid, does it? Also, as someone having a very tight connection in Heathrow before I catch on of those flights from Britain to the US (on American Airlines, no less) on the day after tomorrow, I feel as though I should be getting all worked up about this, but I just can't be bothered. But I'm pretty sure I'm going to miss my flight.

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26 has me trying to come up with puns between "tourism/t" and "terrorism/t".

Yassir Arafat beat you to it.

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49

Dude, I just read the link in 35. What the fuck? So I can carry my passport, wallet and keys in a plastic bag? Keeping occupied for seven hours is going to be quite a feat. I wonder if they'll let me bring a few sheets of paper and a pen so i can at least do some writing or something. Shit.

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50

If they let you have a pen, you could poke your eye out.

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51

As a signal to the other terrorists that it's "go time".

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So no, you may not have a pen. I don't know what you were thinking.

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53

I just wish my goddamn passport didn't say "born in Cairo, Egypt" anymore.

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54

Racist.

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55

Find out how many people will be on the flight. Buy a book with that number of pages (in this context, meaning individual sheets, rather than numbered sides of a page). Give each person one page. Re-assemble the book during the preparation for take off.

If you can find a book bound using sheets that contain four pages worth of writing, you can reduce the amount of people required to make this plan work, but be very careful when you have the book disbound.

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56

The pen is mightier than the sword, the boxcutter, the shoe bomb, the explosive liquids, and anything else the terrorists might think to bring on a plane.

Good old pen. Nothing beats pen.

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57

AIEEEEE! How did these motherfucking snakes get on this motherfucking plane???

Oh, my pen, why hast thou forsaken me???

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58

Oh well thank god we're still gonna be allowed snakes at least.

I don't go nowhere where my pretties ain't welcome.

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59

One assumes all intercontinental flights will offer drinks and edibles. When feeling the itch and irritation of dry skin, merely coat all chapped areas with butter, mayonnaise, cream or salad dressing. Avocado also makes a lovely moisturiser. If there are cucumber slices in the salad, use them to soothe tired eyes, otherwise, order tea and save the bags for the same effect.

Many hours can be whiled away using only the airline magazine and damp paper towelling from the loo. Carefully tear out individual words and letters from the magazine, set them onto the wet paper towel [the damp will hold them in place] and attempt to write a novel, or use them to re-create great moments in literature. [Shakespeare is quite challenging.] Writing song lyrics is also fun, with the added amusement of humming/whistling and/or bursting into song at inspired moments. Be creative! Writing pornography, however, is not recommended if one's seatmates are strangers, especially if they are wearing drab clothing with large crosses or dog-collars, or say "Amen" loudly to any in-flight announcement.

Please remember, however, that repeatedly dallying in the toilet for purposes of masturbation is not mannerly, as it inconveniences one's fellow passengers, who are also bored silly. In these trying times, we must all attempt to be terribly polite whilst in flight, as those armed air-marshals are perilously on edge. Please wait until the plane disembarks before strangling the small child who sat behind you asking 'Are we there yet?' for 9 hours.

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I hereby nominate this thread as one of the top three unfogged threads ever.

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I don't think chapstick counts as a liquid, does it?

In some cases, retailers are being told not to sell certain products. At Reagan National Airport in Washington and Dulles International Airport in Virginia, the authorities walked from store to store today reminding managers to remove all gels and creams from their shelves. Not even ChapStick made the cut.

Sorry, Becks.

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59: Many hours can be whiled away using only the airline magazine and damp paper towelling from the loo. Carefully tear out individual words and letters from the magazine, set them onto the wet paper towel [the damp will hold them in place] and attempt to write a novel, or use them to re-create great moments in literature.

Oh dear no that can't be allowed. What if you use the letters to create a list of terrorist demands, or a representation of a bomb? No, I'm afraid the in-flight magazines will have to go.

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63

As will the toilet paper.

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64

But you won't need toilet paper anyway, since all your liquids will have been removed before boarding.

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65

??tk?w?w?ty????????

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But you won't need toilet paper anyway, since all your liquids will have been removed before boarding.

This statement only makes sense if you assume diarrhea.

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67

For U.S. and most international flights, you can still have reading material, just no water so you achieve the trendy dessicated anti-terrorist look.

I am taking a trip soon and I'm hoping liquids will be allowed by then. I had heard that this liquid ban would be only for 72 hours.

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68

Whenever I go through security and remove my shoes and belt, I have this urge to continue disrobing. I start having visions of an elaborate, multi-stage screening process, where you first remove your shoes and belt, then your outer clothing, then your underwear, and then they start breaking you down into component parts. They unscrew your head, arms, and legs, and pack them neatly on pallets. The important thing is to get the right head on the right torso when you reach your destination.

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69

I had heard that this liquid ban would be only for 72 hours

Shh, Cala, you'll tip off the terrorists.

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69: Shh, rob, you'll tip off the Dept. of Homeland Security.

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The important thing is to get the right head on the right torso when you reach your destination.

Fuuuuuck, I'm just hoping the head makes it to the same destination. Gonna suck having to write a ticket for them to deliver your head on the next flight.

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68: Oh, that would make such a great cartoon...

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73

Like Becks (and who doesn't?), I'm heading to Australia in a few weeks. If I can't bring books and an iPod, I'll have to get my physician to give me Valium instead of Ambien.

A while back I went the "thorough" TSA check. They asked for electronics so I gave them everything. I gave the staffers my noise-cancelling headphones (Sennheiser's) and the asked why. I explained to them why: printed circuit-board, batteries, etc. I then gave them my keys. Again they asked why. I explained that the key fob is a short-range radio transmitter and could be used in bad ways. I was not impressed by their idea of thoroughness or their knowledge of items that are often taken onboard planes.

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73: Not to mention that there are all sorts of chemicals that produce toxic gas when combined, and unless they strip-search everyone getting on to the plane, the odds on finding all of that sort of thing are low. [Can you say "bra insert" anyone?] Again, this is extremely simplistic object-oriented profiling, with insufficient thought as to what those objects can and cannot do, and a fair amount of indifference to things realistic. Infants on "do not fly" lists, for example.

My son, a friend and said friend's sister flew from LA to Sacramento a while back. My son is Korean and his friend & sibling are black. I was accompanying them through security because they were under 17 at the time. Because I'm Caucasian, the security folk didn't associate me with them. So who was pulled out of line to be closely inspected? Any of the adults? Especially the ones that looked plain sinister because they were dressed like IRS agents? Nooo, just the non-white teen boys and pre-teen girl. Clearly, the biggest security risk on that flight. Like the 80-year-old lady in the wheelchair...

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I have a friend, lets call him Jeff Jones. That's not his real name, but it might as well be. He could also be George Nelson or Paul Anderson. He's on the terrorism watch list. Well not him, personally, just everyone out there named Jeff Jones (or George Nelson or Paul Anderson.) He gets detained for an hour at least every time he flies. No effort has been made to disambiguate him from the potential terrorist Jeff Jones (who probably just had a roommate who once emailed a guy who gave money to a Palistinian charity.)

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a little OT at this point as we now contemplate our future dessicated post-flight features, but you got a bad facial, LB. pore extractions are the best part of the whole damn thing, and the only improvement I would make in this regard would be to film it and transmit real-time video to your eye cover. but, it's NOT supposed to hurt, nor should you look really blotchy afterwards. you should look dewy and wonderful. a good facial, with steaming and gentle but thorough pore extraction is great, and involves facial and neck massage, and makes you look and feel wonderful. those with sensitive skin may be blotchy a little on the same day, but you should wake up the next day looking favolosa. give it another try. don't go to any imperious russian types, they favor the no pain no gain thing. the best facial I ever got was from a cute french chick, an experience I surely share with other members of the unfoggedtariat?

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You're allowed to have alcohol in checked baggage, right? Because otherwise not being able to bring liquids in your carryons would be almost as sure to prevent my plan of bringing back some Obstbrand as would the outrageous prices.

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