Timbot, I read a comment at another site this morning and thought to myself, "there's an ass like that in every crowd," scrolled up, and saw that it was by you. You know the comment I mean.
My campaign for a return to family values will be a multi pronged attack, starting with more drinking, less drugs for athletes, and tax breaks for porn that features good old fashioned spank free fucking.
Also, sponsoring a U.N. resolution clearly defining the proper use of "your mother" as a verbal tactic.
1. Watching professional players self-destruct helps convince me of the importance of social capital. All of these guys--Rodman, Ron-Ron, and T.O.--come off as confused by their present condition rather than filled with hubris.
2. (Ogged's #3 refers to my comment on Jordan here. ) Unlike you, ogged, I've actually made a committment to not being in thrall to sentimental notions of authenticity. Jordan says what he's supposed to say; asking whether he means it is a nonsense question. Maybe "disingenous" wasn't the right word, but neither is "persuasive." (Did you ever read DF Wallace's review of Tracy Austin's autobiography?)
Another opportunity for me to point out the greatness of Magic Johnson. If you were to compile highlight videos of your top players of all time, how many of them would mostly feature that player helping other guys score?
Y'know, I'd pointedly avoided TO all these years of fantasy football, but this year, it just happened. I figured, hey, surely he'll be on good behavior for the first half of the year and I can trade high before the shenanigans began.
So he gets fined ten grand in preseason, breaks his hand in Week 2, and tries to kill himself in Week 3. This is going swimmingly.
You see, Marmaduke, with his gargantuan size, strength, speed, slobbering abilities, and propensity for catching things in his mouth, would make T.O. redundant. It would be a miserable state of affairs, and can never be permitted to happen.
Yeah, and what makes it even funnier is that there's absolutely no way a pigeon could still be alive after spending three whole hours inside your rectum.
No opinion, except I knew a very young and very smart woman who was a single mom (I think she had her kid at 16?) who died suddenly. Everyone was sure it was suicide: she was a known depressive, her life was objectively very difficult, she was young and in good health. Turned out it was a Wellbutrin seizure.
24: Did that get blogged extensively as it was happening? It sounds familiar, although I didn't think I saw it on your site. Maybe it happened before I knew you.
TO's being bi-polar would explain a lot of things. This is one of those stories that I really wish we could somehow take away from the world of sports journalism, which is woefully ill equipped to deal with it. I was happy to hear that my beloved Iggles suggested at one point that TO see a professional about his erratic behavior.
I was happy to hear that my beloved Iggles suggested at one point that TO see a professional about his erratic behavior.
That's great. I think part of the problem, though, is that many athletes from less fortunate circumstances have a distrustful and adversarial relationship with their coaches and team management. College coaches, I suspect, regularly fuck recruits, so I can't really blame players for their distrust.
Jeebus. Why can't these guys just try to drink themselves to death, like the old timey athletes?
Posted by SomeCallMeTim | Link to this comment | 09-27-06 8:02 AM
That's what I'm saying. It's time we got back to core values.
Posted by gswift | Link to this comment | 09-27-06 8:08 AM
Timbot, I read a comment at another site this morning and thought to myself, "there's an ass like that in every crowd," scrolled up, and saw that it was by you. You know the comment I mean.
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 09-27-06 8:21 AM
Damn, now I want a link.
Best wishes to TO for a speedy recovery, etc.
Posted by FL | Link to this comment | 09-27-06 8:24 AM
3: Your mother provided excellent service for a moderate price. What was I supposed to say?
Posted by SomeCallMeTim | Link to this comment | 09-27-06 8:26 AM
Straight to the "your mama" line. And this from the guy who wants old-timey athletes. A little class, a little restraint, people.
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 09-27-06 8:28 AM
My campaign for a return to family values will be a multi pronged attack, starting with more drinking, less drugs for athletes, and tax breaks for porn that features good old fashioned spank free fucking.
Also, sponsoring a U.N. resolution clearly defining the proper use of "your mother" as a verbal tactic.
Posted by gswift | Link to this comment | 09-27-06 8:38 AM
My reaction upon receiving the first of about a dozen IMs about the news this morning from the Cowboys circuit: TO ODed on locker-room poison.
Posted by Armsmasher | Link to this comment | 09-27-06 8:44 AM
1. Watching professional players self-destruct helps convince me of the importance of social capital. All of these guys--Rodman, Ron-Ron, and T.O.--come off as confused by their present condition rather than filled with hubris.
2. (Ogged's #3 refers to my comment on Jordan here. ) Unlike you, ogged, I've actually made a committment to not being in thrall to sentimental notions of authenticity. Jordan says what he's supposed to say; asking whether he means it is a nonsense question. Maybe "disingenous" wasn't the right word, but neither is "persuasive." (Did you ever read DF Wallace's review of Tracy Austin's autobiography?)
Posted by SomeCallMeTim | Link to this comment | 09-27-06 8:51 AM
Another opportunity for me to point out the greatness of Magic Johnson. If you were to compile highlight videos of your top players of all time, how many of them would mostly feature that player helping other guys score?
Posted by gswift | Link to this comment | 09-27-06 9:28 AM
If you were to compile highlight videos of your top players of all time, how many of them would mostly feature that player helping other guys score?
It pains me to admit that Dirk Nowitzki did wonders for Miami in the Finals.
Posted by Armsmasher | Link to this comment | 09-27-06 9:37 AM
Y'know, I'd pointedly avoided TO all these years of fantasy football, but this year, it just happened. I figured, hey, surely he'll be on good behavior for the first half of the year and I can trade high before the shenanigans began.
So he gets fined ten grand in preseason, breaks his hand in Week 2, and tries to kill himself in Week 3. This is going swimmingly.
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 09-27-06 10:18 AM
Even TO feels compelled to do everything bigger in Texas.
Posted by Armsmasher | Link to this comment | 09-27-06 10:28 AM
In other news, after months of scouring the internets I finally found Standpipe's joke-explaining blog, wherein I found this.
Posted by My Alter Ego | Link to this comment | 09-27-06 10:31 AM
There appears to be a misunderstanding.
Posted by standpipe b | Link to this comment | 09-27-06 10:35 AM
You mean that's not it?
Darn. I'll keep looking.
Posted by My Alter Ego | Link to this comment | 09-27-06 10:38 AM
If Marmaduke played for Bill Parcells, he would likely attempt suicide. Discuss.
Posted by text | Link to this comment | 09-27-06 10:42 AM
Is "he" Marmaduke or Parcells? Either way: yes.
Posted by Brock Landers | Link to this comment | 09-27-06 10:43 AM
No, "he" is T.O. Obviously.
You see, Marmaduke, with his gargantuan size, strength, speed, slobbering abilities, and propensity for catching things in his mouth, would make T.O. redundant. It would be a miserable state of affairs, and can never be permitted to happen.
Posted by text | Link to this comment | 09-27-06 10:47 AM
The cool thing to do is to explain a joke which has not (or "not yet") been made.
Posted by Clownæsthesiologist | Link to this comment | 09-27-06 10:49 AM
Do you know why that's funny? Because crocodiles don't even like chocolate pudding, not especially.
Posted by text | Link to this comment | 09-27-06 10:53 AM
It's not funny, even so. It's too derivative of that scene in The Gods Must Be Crazy.
Posted by standpipe b | Link to this comment | 09-27-06 10:56 AM
Yeah, and what makes it even funnier is that there's absolutely no way a pigeon could still be alive after spending three whole hours inside your rectum.
Posted by My Alter Ego | Link to this comment | 09-27-06 10:57 AM
No opinion, except I knew a very young and very smart woman who was a single mom (I think she had her kid at 16?) who died suddenly. Everyone was sure it was suicide: she was a known depressive, her life was objectively very difficult, she was young and in good health. Turned out it was a Wellbutrin seizure.
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 09-27-06 11:02 AM
no, that's what makes it tragic, MAE.
Posted by text | Link to this comment | 09-27-06 11:03 AM
23: depends on what else is up the rectum with it, doesn't it?
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 09-27-06 11:04 AM
24: Did that get blogged extensively as it was happening? It sounds familiar, although I didn't think I saw it on your site. Maybe it happened before I knew you.
Posted by LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 09-27-06 11:05 AM
that scene with the coke bottle, standpipe? oh, I laughed and laughed. and then I never, ever, smiled again.
but then I laughed some more, without smiling. but then I did not laugh again, ever.
oh that funny movie, with the silly people, and the coke bottle!
Posted by text | Link to this comment | 09-27-06 11:06 AM
TO's being bi-polar would explain a lot of things. This is one of those stories that I really wish we could somehow take away from the world of sports journalism, which is woefully ill equipped to deal with it. I was happy to hear that my beloved Iggles suggested at one point that TO see a professional about his erratic behavior.
Posted by pjs | Link to this comment | 09-27-06 12:37 PM
I was happy to hear that my beloved Iggles suggested at one point that TO see a professional about his erratic behavior.
That's great. I think part of the problem, though, is that many athletes from less fortunate circumstances have a distrustful and adversarial relationship with their coaches and team management. College coaches, I suspect, regularly fuck recruits, so I can't really blame players for their distrust.
Posted by SomeCallMeTim | Link to this comment | 09-27-06 12:44 PM
He's supposed to speak at a press conference in just a few minutes.
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 09-27-06 1:33 PM
And he was at practice today.
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 09-27-06 1:34 PM