Not to re-open the 'beauty' wars, but I thought it was ironic that the movie was trying to sell us on Diane Kruger as 'Helen', the most beautiful woman in the world, when the film had Saffron Burrows in it.
Oy. Why torture yourself with this movie? Instead, why not spend those hours reading comments about Jessica Valenti's breasts? Much better way to self-flagellate, IMHO.
Yeah, he gets cool characters to play (as well as plenty of duff ones) - I liked him in Troy. Daft film though (we loved the sun rising in the west!), and I hated Eric Bana in it, he just has a weak face somehow.
Emerson, how come you are not making trouble over here? I scan the comments in vain for your name. You are offloading your responsibilities here onto Rich Puchalski's shoulders but that's not gonna fly.
If you didn't like the first three minutes, don't ever watch the rest of it, for it gets significantly worse. As when Achilles leads the charge from the Trojan Horse for Love.
But it's useful for solidifying one's dislike of Orlando Bloom.
Brad Pitt can't really be called a character actor, in that he plays the same character in every film*--himself, more or less. But that character--Brad Pitt--seems like a fellow I could play nintendo with, so I like him.
*Unless that is, in fact, what a character actor is, in which case, self-pwn, disgrace, etc.
Not recommended: seeing Troy with a bunch of classicists. Not only do you have to sit through the terrible movie, the big flaming balls of twine, etc., but you have to listen to grumbling about how all the shields are wrong and the temple is totally from a later period and yada yada.
Also, I think a production of MacBeth with Pitt and Jolie would totally rock. I don't think he could play any other Shakesperean character very well, but he'd be a great MacBeth. Jolie could play a lot of different Shakesperean characters, and would make an awesome Lady MacBeth. And then I could leaf through lots of interviews about how Jennifer Aniston feels about it all at the grocery store.
Actually that's probably the most charming bit of the whole thing. Gives me a picture of this clean-cut, all-American type with something just slightly off about him, like a jiggly leg or a weird glint in his eye, some little tic that makes you think he's not totally present.
It seems the computer repairman really just wants to cut out the middleman. Normally, he trades his computer skills for cash, which he can use to improve himself so that he is acceptable to women and will have a chance at b00bs.
Like a good engineer should, he attempts to increase the efficiency of the process.
That said, he doesn't specify that he is looking for women. Just boobs.
I used to work in a doctor's office that had a surprisingly realistic 'breast-in-a-box' that was used to teach women how to do breast cancer self-exams. It had some of the normal lumpy stuff everyone's tits have, and then a couple of small 'real tumors', and the idea was to learn to distinguish them. But it felt just like a breast. Maybe someone could get this guy one.
In middle school, in health class on day, all the boys and girls were separated, and the boys were shown a video about testicular cancer, and the girls, presumably, a video about breast cancer.
At some point, in the boys' group, the teacher passed around a box of fake scrotums for us to practice on. That went over very well.
The video was also spectacular. It was a red letter day.
Just after posting 38, I got a google news alert for "testicles" in my inbox. The story included this sentence: "Imagine if Dr. Moreau cloned Gwen Stefani, cut her genes with a demonically possessed Joan Jett, then gave her a pair of monster-sized testicles (OK, figurative testicles)."
This reminds me: when I was at Joe D.'s show last night, during intermission the two older men sitting next to me were having a chat. One of them says to the other, "So have you seen the new Mel Gibson movie? 'Snakes on a Plane.' Uh, I mean 'Jews on a Plane.'" They had a good chuckle over that.
FL said: "Not recommended: seeing Troy with a bunch of classicists. Not only do you have to sit through the terrible movie, the big flaming balls of twine, etc., but you have to listen to grumbling about how all the shields are wrong and the temple is totally from a later period and yada yada"
I'd be astonished if that's all they complain about - it's true you get 1000 ships, but the Trojan War lasts about 10 days, Hector seems to be an atheist, Paris get to live happily ever after with Helen and both Menelaus and Agammemnon die at Troy, and Achilles gets inside the walls of Troy. 2,700 years of literature thrown away!
They render Ajax fairly well, but he doesn't get to go berzerk over Achilles' armor (because, well, Achilles isn't dead yet) so that was disappointing.
It seemed to me what the movie was trying to do was answer the question: If the Iliad were inspired by real events, what might those events have looked like?
But it did a horrible job with that, and maybe it isn't a very interesting question to begin with.
More Troy analysis to be found at my forthcoming Troy blog.
See, 58 would be at home on my joke-explaining blog, but the genius of 57 is that it adverts to said blog without mentioning it explicitly, which gives the cognoscenti something to congratulate themselves for knowing, expressing such congratulation as a slap on the knee. It straddles joke and explanation, digs in its spurs, and rides them both to glory.
The biggest criticisim of Troy is that the two main heros are just too damn sensitive. Yeah, I believe Eric Bana as Hector would shove his spear right through my guts, but I also think he might cry about it later that night.
72: B, they're only saying Brad Pitt is teh hott because they want to meet Angelina Jolie and fix her computer.
Speaking of Troy, I am pleased to see that Julian McMahon, who plays Christian Troy on Nip/Tuck, continues to maintain the best butt ever shown naked on late night television.
Saw "Troy" with a bunch of science fiction fans, fortunately at a free sneak. As we sat through the previews and ads, I turned to my companions and said, "I know how the movie should open! The blue sky, the fluffy clouds, the choir singing (as the words appear) 'The Iliad', then the 'Simpsons' theme and the credits: 'by Homer (D'oh!)." Would have improved the experience. Not the worst sneak I've seen ("Ghosts of Mars" wins that dubious prize), but in the top five.
At the end, we descended from the heights of the theater to the entrance level, where others of our group were waiting, and watched the credits. Just as the final FBI warning and copyright notice slid by, the screen lit up and looked like the opening of "Bonanza." We all thought it was cool, until I looked up at the booth and realized that the film had, in fact, caught fire. Best ending evar!
to 72: brad pitt is too hott. I fought against this conclusion for many years, so I could maintain high-minded contrarianism about it, the sort that gets you jobs writing for slate. but then I saw a really hot picture of him one day without a shirt on and I was like daaaaamn. so, yeah. actually teh hott, f'real. I think I still might prefer having sex with angelina jolie, though, if I had to choose between them.
Angelina Jolie is to play Dagny Taggart in the film version of "Atlas Shrugged". I nearly walked under a train because I was thinking about it so vividly.
Some of the fights with Achilles are good, but yeah.
Posted by gswift | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 12:42 AM
The top two thirds of his face are very wide and he has a high forehead, yet in the bottom third he has a steep jawline/pointy-looking chin.
Posted by Toadmonster | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 12:54 AM
Brad's cool, is why.
I saw a clown kid from Modesto at my show today. Weirdest damn thing.
Posted by Joe Drymala | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 1:08 AM
Not to re-open the 'beauty' wars, but I thought it was ironic that the movie was trying to sell us on Diane Kruger as 'Helen', the most beautiful woman in the world, when the film had Saffron Burrows in it.
Posted by nattarGcM ttaM | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 4:22 AM
3 -- An excellent show it was, too. I would have hung around after to tell you so but I had to meet my sister.
Posted by Clownæsthesiologist | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 5:27 AM
(And please, cool it with the "and that's not a euphemism" stuff already, huh?)
Posted by Clownæsthesiologist | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 5:40 AM
Oy. Why torture yourself with this movie? Instead, why not spend those hours reading comments about Jessica Valenti's breasts? Much better way to self-flagellate, IMHO.
Posted by NCProsecutor | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 5:55 AM
Eric Bana was very good in Munich, though. Gah, you'll be slating Daniel Craig next.
Posted by Backword Dave | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 5:59 AM
Brad Pitt? I'm way ahead of him, baby.
I was looking pretty damn youthful for 43 when I was in my early *thirties*.
Posted by kid bitzer | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 6:22 AM
6: That was a very quick prophylactic pwn there.
Posted by John Emerson | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 6:33 AM
Brad Pitt is a good looking character actor, and that's why he's fun to watch.
Posted by Cala | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 6:37 AM
10 -- you gotta keep on your toes around this place.
Posted by Clownæsthesiologist | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 6:56 AM
Yeah, he gets cool characters to play (as well as plenty of duff ones) - I liked him in Troy. Daft film though (we loved the sun rising in the west!), and I hated Eric Bana in it, he just has a weak face somehow.
Posted by asilon | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 6:58 AM
So what was he doing with his sister that was so important? Why is he so defensive.
Your move, Clownae.
Posted by John Emerson | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 7:02 AM
Emerson, how come you are not making trouble over here? I scan the comments in vain for your name. You are offloading your responsibilities here onto Rich Puchalski's shoulders but that's not gonna fly.
Posted by Clownæsthesiologist | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 7:07 AM
So what was he doing with his sister that was so important?
You know the story.
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 7:17 AM
8: Speaking of crap films...
Posted by Doctor Slack | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 7:21 AM
Chopper good Eric Bana movie, freak you out
Saffron Burrows indeed. Brian Cox, Sean Bean.
Movie needed translucent 10 foot immortals.
Posted by bob mcmanus | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 7:46 AM
Yeah, Chopper is a great movie and Bana is remarkable in it.
I don't think I've seen him in anything else where he's stood out, though.
Posted by nattarGcM ttaM | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 7:49 AM
If you didn't like the first three minutes, don't ever watch the rest of it, for it gets significantly worse. As when Achilles leads the charge from the Trojan Horse for Love.
But it's useful for solidifying one's dislike of Orlando Bloom.
Brad Pitt can't really be called a character actor, in that he plays the same character in every film*--himself, more or less. But that character--Brad Pitt--seems like a fellow I could play nintendo with, so I like him.
*Unless that is, in fact, what a character actor is, in which case, self-pwn, disgrace, etc.
Posted by text | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 8:02 AM
Threadjack: This is something that simply cannot go unaddressed by the Unfoggetariat.
Posted by My Alter Ego | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 8:25 AM
in that he plays the same character in every film*
Come on now, Snatch and 12 Monkeys ?
Posted by gswift | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 8:25 AM
Not recommended: seeing Troy with a bunch of classicists. Not only do you have to sit through the terrible movie, the big flaming balls of twine, etc., but you have to listen to grumbling about how all the shields are wrong and the temple is totally from a later period and yada yada.
Posted by FL | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 8:28 AM
Yeah, ogged, the casting of Eric Bana is the real reason you don't like the movie. Uh huh.
Posted by M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 8:30 AM
12 monkeys would be the one movie where he doesn't play "Brad Pitt," but rather, "caffeinated, schizophrenic Brad Pitt."
Most big hollywood actors just play themselves; I don't mean it as much of a critique and I generally like his movies.
Posted by text | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 8:32 AM
In Snatch, he's Brad Pitt with a funny accent and fake teeth.
I'm being a little unfair here, yes.
Posted by text | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 8:33 AM
MAE -- the language/tone in which that ad is written is pretty wonderful.
Posted by Clownæsthesiologist | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 8:35 AM
Also, I think a production of MacBeth with Pitt and Jolie would totally rock. I don't think he could play any other Shakesperean character very well, but he'd be a great MacBeth. Jolie could play a lot of different Shakesperean characters, and would make an awesome Lady MacBeth. And then I could leaf through lots of interviews about how Jennifer Aniston feels about it all at the grocery store.
Posted by text | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 8:37 AM
cannot go unaddressed
His "(really)" isn't convincing me.
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 8:42 AM
His "(really)" isn't convincing me.
Actually that's probably the most charming bit of the whole thing. Gives me a picture of this clean-cut, all-American type with something just slightly off about him, like a jiggly leg or a weird glint in his eye, some little tic that makes you think he's not totally present.
Posted by Clownæsthesiologist | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 8:54 AM
some little tic that makes you think he's not totally present.
You mean, like offering to fix computers for boob gropage?
Posted by standpipe b | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 9:01 AM
Yeah I guess that would clue you in too.
Posted by Clownæsthesiologist | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 9:03 AM
It seems the computer repairman really just wants to cut out the middleman. Normally, he trades his computer skills for cash, which he can use to improve himself so that he is acceptable to women and will have a chance at b00bs.
Like a good engineer should, he attempts to increase the efficiency of the process.
That said, he doesn't specify that he is looking for women. Just boobs.
Posted by Cala | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 9:05 AM
Do you think man-boobs would be acceptable?
Posted by Clownæsthesiologist | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 9:07 AM
I used to work in a doctor's office that had a surprisingly realistic 'breast-in-a-box' that was used to teach women how to do breast cancer self-exams. It had some of the normal lumpy stuff everyone's tits have, and then a couple of small 'real tumors', and the idea was to learn to distinguish them. But it felt just like a breast. Maybe someone could get this guy one.
Posted by LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 9:09 AM
Unfogged commenter gets cross about Richard Dawkins.
Posted by slolernr | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 9:11 AM
In middle school, in health class on day, all the boys and girls were separated, and the boys were shown a video about testicular cancer, and the girls, presumably, a video about breast cancer.
At some point, in the boys' group, the teacher passed around a box of fake scrotums for us to practice on. That went over very well.
The video was also spectacular. It was a red letter day.
Posted by text | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 9:13 AM
a box of fake scrotums
Wait a minute. Did he hold the box directly in front of his crotch the entire time? Because I can't tell you how many times I've fallen for that one.
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 9:15 AM
great, apo. more therapy for text.
Posted by text | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 9:16 AM
Just after posting 38, I got a google news alert for "testicles" in my inbox. The story included this sentence: "Imagine if Dr. Moreau cloned Gwen Stefani, cut her genes with a demonically possessed Joan Jett, then gave her a pair of monster-sized testicles (OK, figurative testicles)."
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 9:19 AM
a box of fake scrotums
Thanks, text! You've just solved my problem of what to get for those hard-to-shop-for people on my Christmas list.
Posted by My Alter Ego | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 9:21 AM
nuts in a box
This reminds me: when I was at Joe D.'s show last night, during intermission the two older men sitting next to me were having a chat. One of them says to the other, "So have you seen the new Mel Gibson movie? 'Snakes on a Plane.' Uh, I mean 'Jews on a Plane.'" They had a good chuckle over that.
Posted by Clownæsthesiologist | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 9:28 AM
I shall sleep better for knowing that apo has a google news alert set up for "testicles".
Posted by OneFatEnglishman | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 9:29 AM
26: He truly did a wonderful job on the accent, though.
Posted by emir | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 9:29 AM
Hm. Probably should have posted that on the other thread. Not sure it really makes a diff at this point.
Posted by Clownæsthesiologist | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 9:30 AM
43: I just set it two days ago. You'd be amazed how often the word pops up in the news.
Posted by apostropher | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 9:31 AM
But.
Posted by Matt Weiner | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 10:12 AM
FL said: "Not recommended: seeing Troy with a bunch of classicists. Not only do you have to sit through the terrible movie, the big flaming balls of twine, etc., but you have to listen to grumbling about how all the shields are wrong and the temple is totally from a later period and yada yada"
I'd be astonished if that's all they complain about - it's true you get 1000 ships, but the Trojan War lasts about 10 days, Hector seems to be an atheist, Paris get to live happily ever after with Helen and both Menelaus and Agammemnon die at Troy, and Achilles gets inside the walls of Troy. 2,700 years of literature thrown away!
Posted by Far away | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 10:42 AM
No, Paris dies in the movie. But in an inaccurate way.
Posted by text | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 10:44 AM
They render Ajax fairly well, but he doesn't get to go berzerk over Achilles' armor (because, well, Achilles isn't dead yet) so that was disappointing.
Posted by text | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 10:47 AM
It seemed to me what the movie was trying to do was answer the question: If the Iliad were inspired by real events, what might those events have looked like?
But it did a horrible job with that, and maybe it isn't a very interesting question to begin with.
More Troy analysis to be found at my forthcoming Troy blog.
Posted by text | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 10:52 AM
Brad Pitt is fun to watch because he is wicked hot. It doesn't need to be more complicated than that.
Posted by Robust McManlyPants | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 10:55 AM
You're so gay, McManly.
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 10:56 AM
Any hott man-on-man action among the Myrmidons? (What is the correct plural of "Myrmidon"?)
Posted by Clownæsthesiologist | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 10:59 AM
Any hott swan-on-maiden action?
Posted by Clownæsthesiologist | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 11:00 AM
Did he hold the box directly in front of his crotch the entire time?
Guy had, like, 30 goddamn scrotums.
Posted by mrh | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 11:01 AM
More Troy analysis to be found at my forthcoming Troy blog.
This is funny because it flouts the prevailing assumption that Troy is too shallow to sustain a blog's worth of material.
Posted by standpipe b | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 11:01 AM
more analysis of 57 to be found at Standpipe's joke explaining blog.
Posted by text | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 11:03 AM
I was fond of the little blue outfits the Trojan men wore.
Posted by ac | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 11:04 AM
They were presented as sort of the Trojan casual look.
Posted by ac | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 11:06 AM
See, 58 would be at home on my joke-explaining blog, but the genius of 57 is that it adverts to said blog without mentioning it explicitly, which gives the cognoscenti something to congratulate themselves for knowing, expressing such congratulation as a slap on the knee. It straddles joke and explanation, digs in its spurs, and rides them both to glory.
Posted by standpipe b | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 11:09 AM
Did Trojan get any logo placement?
Posted by Clownæsthesiologist | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 11:09 AM
FL gets it exactly right re: classists.
Posted by Cala | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 11:10 AM
61 continues at my joke-explaining blog.
Posted by standpipe b | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 11:10 AM
Standpipe, you should do all my P.R. For your next trick, please analyze the following:
Poop sandwich with poop sprouts. And a scrotum on my head. And poop.
Posted by text | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 11:19 AM
I was fond of the little blue outfits the Trojan men wore.
The Trojans started out as mild-mannered web programmers, too.
Posted by standpipe b | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 11:20 AM
text, that's heinous.
Posted by standpipe b | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 11:25 AM
I don't get it.
Posted by Armsmasher | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 11:29 AM
you misspelled "hilarious."
Posted by text | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 11:29 AM
53: I prefer to think of it as "just gay enough." Bowling while listening to techno, for instance.
Posted by Robust McManlyPants | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 11:30 AM
68: that's because there's poop in your sandwich.
Posted by text | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 11:31 AM
So what you all are saying here is that the "Brad Pitt is teh hott" truism is really the fault of men? Because he isn't, you know.
I blame the patriarchy.
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 11:34 AM
71 to 72, also.
Posted by text | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 11:35 AM
So what you all are saying here is that the "Brad Pitt is teh hott" truism is really the fault of men? Because he isn't, you know.
Women suck at objectifying people. I make no claim as to whether that failure is a function of nature or nurture.
Posted by SomeCallMeTim | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 11:47 AM
My one defense of Troy is that I think the Achilles versus Hector fight, while not accurate to literature, is one of the best fight scenes there is.
Posted by Michael | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 11:49 AM
The biggest criticisim of Troy is that the two main heros are just too damn sensitive. Yeah, I believe Eric Bana as Hector would shove his spear right through my guts, but I also think he might cry about it later that night.
Posted by Michael | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 11:51 AM
72: B, they're only saying Brad Pitt is teh hott because they want to meet Angelina Jolie and fix her computer.
Speaking of Troy, I am pleased to see that Julian McMahon, who plays Christian Troy on Nip/Tuck, continues to maintain the best butt ever shown naked on late night television.
Posted by DominEditrix | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 12:07 PM
"I also think he might cry about it later that night."
That could be in the original text.
Posted by bob mcmanus | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 12:08 PM
Women suck at objectifying people.
This is sooo tempting. There's so much I could do with this one, but I'm taking enough heat as it is. So I'll pass.
Posted by the patriarchy | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 12:10 PM
re: Eric Bana. It's the ears. He has weird shaped ears, esp. in that movie.
Posted by Kathleen | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 3:56 PM
Saw "Troy" with a bunch of science fiction fans, fortunately at a free sneak. As we sat through the previews and ads, I turned to my companions and said, "I know how the movie should open! The blue sky, the fluffy clouds, the choir singing (as the words appear) 'The Iliad', then the 'Simpsons' theme and the credits: 'by Homer (D'oh!)." Would have improved the experience. Not the worst sneak I've seen ("Ghosts of Mars" wins that dubious prize), but in the top five.
At the end, we descended from the heights of the theater to the entrance level, where others of our group were waiting, and watched the credits. Just as the final FBI warning and copyright notice slid by, the screen lit up and looked like the opening of "Bonanza." We all thought it was cool, until I looked up at the booth and realized that the film had, in fact, caught fire. Best ending evar!
Posted by Dr Paisley | Link to this comment | 09-21-06 8:30 PM
to 72: brad pitt is too hott. I fought against this conclusion for many years, so I could maintain high-minded contrarianism about it, the sort that gets you jobs writing for slate. but then I saw a really hot picture of him one day without a shirt on and I was like daaaaamn. so, yeah. actually teh hott, f'real. I think I still might prefer having sex with angelina jolie, though, if I had to choose between them.
Posted by alameida | Link to this comment | 09-22-06 2:26 AM
Angelina Jolie is to play Dagny Taggart in the film version of "Atlas Shrugged". I nearly walked under a train because I was thinking about it so vividly.
Posted by dsquared | Link to this comment | 09-22-06 2:50 AM
I went to see The Exorcist at some late night showing, and the film caught fire in the middle of it. Definitely helped with the atmosphere.
Posted by asilon | Link to this comment | 09-22-06 5:31 AM
Brad is excellent in Kalifornia.
And his lats are insane in Troy.
Posted by Chopper | Link to this comment | 09-22-06 7:07 AM