Re: Medical technology marches onward.

1

the Cummings Center in Beverly

Field trip!

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2

Unfortunately, if everyone has the same blood type, the species as a whole will be less vigorous because more susceptible to blood type–specific illnesses or attacks. Furthermore, there will be repercussions on other species, like vampires, that depend on human blood—even zombies will probably experience some sort of effect owing to the large amount of blood typically ingested during the consumption of a brain.

It's possible that some of the effects could be diminished by the popularization of black pudding, or the drinking, common among nomadic or very poor rural societies (eg pre-potato Ireland) of horse, pig, or cow blood, either straight or mixed with milk, but on the whole, I think the dangers of a blood type monoculture will prove impossible to avoid fully.

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3

The article's three years old...

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4

It's a well-kept secret.

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5

And:

The ZymeQuest system, which will be sold to regional blood centers, is undergoing clinical trials, and the company hopes to bring it to market in 2005.

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6

I just don't get it.

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7

Is it going to kill the fun if I point out that they seem to be changing the blood type after the blood has been donated, which means that the donator's blood type is unaffected?

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8

I don't think there was ever much fun to begin with.

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9

But then I'm a notorious ninny.

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10

Oh, paternity tests. I'm an idiot.

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11

You could make sure no fun arises by ignoring my first comment in this thread.

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I suppose we'll put this one on standpipe's joke-explaining blog, too.

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7: They don't do the paternity test on blood still in your body, Ogged. But the answer to your question is yes.

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Surely they don't let you add random enzymes to the blood before they do the test.

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15

Great morning after pill...in 1980 maybe.

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16

I've been getting a lot of traffic recently. Adorable rodenthood, here I come.

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17

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Teofilo: I don't own a chicken.

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18

Well, I don't.

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19

Come to think of it, I don't either. Comity!

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20

God, my brain is sick. Before I read 10, I was also confused, and the explanation I came up with was well, sometimes, the blood type of parents can interact such that the mother has a negative Rh factor and the baby a positive one, and this can be dangerous for the baby, so if the man changes his blood type such that it will interact with the woman's to produce this condition, the baby will DIE. Presto. Birth control.

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21

Did everyone really not get this? I thought it was pretty straightforward, just not very funny.

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22

After that pic Wolfson linked, chicken talk makes me wary.

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21: Teofilo also owns no music and eats babies.

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24

I made my feelings on chickens known at the meetup.

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25

Other unsolicited wrong explanations:

So, you know that riddle, goes something like "A father and son are badly injured in a car crash. They are rushed to the hospital for treatment. The son is wheeled into the operating room, where the doctor says "I can't operate on that child. That's my son. How can this be?"

And the correct answer is "the doctor is his mother"?

Well, we were to write down an explanation for some assessment thingy in school. My explanation was that the son was actually injured in the car crash, but the other person injured was not the boy's father, but someone who had stolen the father's wallet, whose face was so badly maimed in the car accident that they identified him only by the identification on him, which was the boy's father's.

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26

Why wouldn't the doctor be willing to operate on her son? Would she just leave him to die (or whatever he was going to do, presumably bad, sans surgery)? I should think she'd be doubly anxious to save him were he not just a patient, but a familiy member as well.

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I think the AMA discourages doctors from treating relatives, although I'm sure there's some sort of "son mangled in brain-teasing car wreck" exemption.

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28

21- I'll defend the Apostropher here. I thought it was both straightforward and very clever. The rest of you are humorless.

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29

Apo, I'm going to start forwarding to you all the email I get explaining why the morning-after pill is BAD and WRONG and IMMORAL and DON'T YOU KNOW THAT LIFE BEGINS AT CONCEPTION.

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30

29: I'd gladly trade those for the 60 or 70 "This penny stock is going through the roof!" emails I get every. single. day.

And 28 gets it exactly right.

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31

I got it. I didn't think the joke itself was very funny, but I did think it was kind of funny that apostropher was trying to one-up everyone in the 'starting arguments about feminism' sweepstakes. But 29 is funnier. (Of course I remind everyone of this, life beginning at conception has nothing to do with it.)

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32

Oh, I get those too. But admittedly the anti-abortion screeds have a certain appeal from knowing that someone actually took time to write them and thinks I'm going to be convinced by them. This morning it was actually "what if your mother had aborted you, HUH?" Would you like that?"

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33

On second thought, I will concede that this was less clever than 28 implies if Apo has been sitting on this article for the last three years trying to come up with that joke. In that case -- not too impressive. But if spontaneous it was pretty funny.

32- well, what if she had? Would you like that? I'm willing to bet you wouldn't.

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34

She wouldn't dislike it.

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35

34 assumes that B's spiritual existence depends on her physical existence. Not saying it doesn't, just saying.

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36

34 makes some pretty big metaphysical and epistemological assumptions.

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37

Damn you clown!

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38

DamnFuck

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39

sitting on this article for the last three years trying to come up with that joke

I wish I had that sort of attention span and dedication.

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40

B's premortal soul could've just been decanted into some other fleshly vessel, though.

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41

Apostropher is still the hero. It was clever, damnit.

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42

B's premortal soul could've just been decanted into some other fleshly vessel, though.

There's also the possibility that her essence would continue swim around in the Nirvanic waters of immortality -- she might wipe her metaphorical forehead and think Whew -- dodged a bullet there! In which case Brock would lose his bet in 32. And 34 would be correct.

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43

Or, if life begins at conception, she'd be in heaven. (Um, they don't still do Limbo for unbaptized infants, do they? If they do, who holds the bar, and do they have to listen to that stupid song?)

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44

Limbo isn't official dogma, I think. Not 100% certain, but I think the official position is 'There isn't a revelation on this subject, and so we left it to the philosophers, and goodness knows those bastards never agree.'

In any case, aborted infants go to heaven. Baptism by blood, just like all the babies slaughtered by King Herod sort of thing.

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45

The more I think about it the more I am liking the idea that life of the flesh begins at birth, when the automaton is joined with a pre-existing unit of consciosness drawn from the Godhead. Where does this idea come from besides "my own head just now"?

Two alternate scenarios -- the souls are happy in their divine medium and dread having to put in a mortal stint (as in my 42). Or, the (phallic) souls are longing constantly for union with a (yonic) body -- maybe they swim/swarm away from their Nirvanic waters when they hear about some couple having unprotected sex earthside, and jostle one another following the lady around for 9 months and watching her belly grow and trying to position themselves for incarnation. (Can incorporeal beings jostle?)

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46

44: Skimming, I see the philosophers had no illumination on the critical "Jack be nimble Jack be quick Jack go under limbo stick" vs. "Clap your hands it's party time do the limbo dance" question.

(Yes, I'm running that joke into the ground. But googling for limbo song lyrics did give me an idea for a pretentious-kid party in which you do the limbo to "In Limbo" by Radiohead.)

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47

I just cited a song that's unique to David Hasselhoff, didn't I?

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48

I made my feelings on chickens known at the meetup.

Unfortunately the minutes have not yet been published.

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49

(There is also the question of whether the souls get "used up" in one incarnation or return to the Godhead when it's done. -- Either of these notions could be combined with either of my above scenarios with useful results.)

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50

46: pretentious-kid party

You mean a Radiohead concert?

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51

26: Clearly, someone doesn't watch House.

DON'T YOU KNOW THAT LIFE BEGINS AT CONCEPTION.

there have got to be pick-up lines that can be mined from this.

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52

And, Apo's post title was hilarious.

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53

shite, i meant link text

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54

50 is obviously written out of envy.

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55

I don't really get Ben's 2. I understand the first sentence, in so far as it is accepted that zombie/vampire viruses attack specific blood types, so that if, for example, the virus attacked the blood type which many were changing to, the spread of the zombie/vampire condition would be worsened. But there have not been, to my knowledge, any reputable studies showing that vampires'/zombies' nourrishment satisfaction was different for different blood types. Maybe Wolfson knows of such a study.

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56

No more limbo, nope. It was never official doctrine, anyway, but now they don't even like to talk about it. All that thrusting your hips forward and everything, it's just not good.

Doesn't 34 actually make the least number of possible assumptions of any other possible response to that question?

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57

Oh no! Could zombies and vampires be the souls of aborted fetuses, desperately trying to consume the blood and develop the brains they would need to become fully human?

And if so, what are the consequences for those that fight them?

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49. It's a little known, an almost uninteresting, fact that used souls look just like used kleenex.

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57. I smell grant!

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60

^a

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61

As per the second query, obvs. there'll have to be a senate debate about this. It all, of course, depends upon one's value of life and of harm. Is life as a vampire preferable to a peaceful death? Bill Frist argues for the affirmative. The Party of Death will be conflicted. They, of course, want to kill, and so want to kill the vampire, but they also realize that the vampire spreads death. What to do?

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62

Stop smelling me, Michael. It's really creeping me out.

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63

Wait a minute.......if you're here, who's in your tomb?

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64

Actually, 54, I really like Radiohead. It's just that I'm also incredibly pretentious, so I know what pretentious kids like at their parties. You just don't get it like I do.

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65

I'm so pretentious I'm not pretentious.

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66

Oh please, irony is so over. It got too mainstream for me.

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67

Well, I wouldn't know. I have no awareness of the mainstream.

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68

Wow. I did not see that coming. Is this where I should quote a Noah Baumbach or Richard Linklater movie?

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69

People, if you must make totally ass comments, do it somewhere else.

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70

It is my opinion that those comments were harmless, though they would've been improved immeasurably by reference to the proudly pretentious movement.

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71

It is my opinion that those comments were harmless

Are you committed to excellence, or not? Excellence is the perpetual action item.

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72

Mwah-ha!

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69. Yeah, no ass comments. Dick comments only.

I did not see that coming.

You need to open your third eye a bit wider. I've got some excellent hydroponic shrooms that should help.

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