Okay, let's settle this tone question once and for all. Which of the following women would you rather date?
1. "Tired of feeling patronized by the ads in this column? Then I'm not the woman for you, little man. Today you may be benighted and insignificant, tomorrow you will be more so. Now off you go. Box no. 14/12."
2. "63-year old retired academic, (F, Oxford). Would like sensible occasional company, M or F. Box no. 11/02."
I am not as high maintenance as my highly polished and impeccably arranged collection of porcelain cats suggests, but if you touch them I will kill you. F, 36. Likes porcelain cats. Seeks man not unused to the sound of sobbing coming from a bedroom from which he is strictly prohibited. Tell me how attractive I am at box no. 16/08
I'm surprised by you guys. To me, there's more hostility in that one word, "sensible," than in any of ad #1, which it seems to me achieves real humor in "now off you go."
15: Sure, it achieves humor, but is completely unappealing and sounds like it was written by an extremely arrogant person who is pretending that she is only pretending to be extremely arrogant.
b, I know #2 already, close enough. She's probably a raving intellectual snob, but all she means is that her circle of acquaintance has dwindled to her biological family and her neighbours and none of them can talk about anything harder than television soaps.
See, to me #1 sounds like a woman who knows that she can be kinda mean, and is trying to make fun of it. Which suggests that she's at least self-aware and has a sense of humor. #2 to me just sounds dire: humorless, self-pitying, superior. It's of course possible that #2 is really a modest person, but the tone of that "sensible," just, shudder.
I think 18 is roughly right. #1 is cloying. No one wants to be patronized, she's put an ad for companionship, so she really doesn't want possible companions to think she's patronizing. She chose to create a persona at seeming odds with her purpose. Who wants that kind of drama and neurosis in a relationship from the outset?
Hey, I have an idea that will shred this community to bits! Let's do them for ourselves, then, for each other! (If you want to skip the shredding, we could only do the former.) I'll try to start, though I reserve the right to revise it to make it funnier:
26 y.o. nailbiter seeks svengali to free me from personal responsibility and/or slave to my emotional needs. I'll hate you for being domineering; you'll never condescend.
I'm with OFE on this one. I can picture this woman in my head, and male equivalents as well. It really strikes me as very, very English. The older fellows and professors at Oxbridge and their upper-crust friends have this seemingly-patronizing exterior that can conceal extremely genuine affection and respect. They just can't really tell you that to your face, so you can at best be "sensible" company. The couple people I'm thinking of who I've spent more time with that ad #2 reminded me of are also among the nicest, most generous people I've met.
I apologize to all those who fought through the quagmire of prepositional phrases and dangling modifiers in the last sentence of my previous post. What I meant was: "The people I know well who could easily have written ad #2 are among the nicest, most generous people I've ever met."
I'm far too insecure to tolerate sex with a man as attractive as I am, so please be overweight or at least ten years my senior...but wait, you really thought you had a chance with me?
You can also do personal ads that you feel really represent you. I don't make the rules.
35: Are you kidding? I think people are feeling a little anxious right now. That said, I think it would be way more fun to have a thread dedicated to faking other people's ads, but only if it were done in good humor.
An elderly English (Ok, Cornish) friend of mine always sounded just like #1. She was a raving drama queen and it was all mostly an act, but she was always entertaining. Maybe because of that I hear more hostility in the second ad than in the first.
Anyway, why should I choose #2 over any other sensible academic?
I'm sorry, I don't mean to parallel universe anyone. I feel good because I've expressed my affection and regard for everyone I feel it for where that might have gotten lost in conflict; and where I have unresolvable anger at people I've said that too. So I have spoken my truth, so to speak, and now feel comfortable. That's just me. Also, all weekend, but esp. Saturday and Sunday morning, I had phenomenally warm and exciting interactions with various Unfoggers and their real life friends, and that made me feel great too. And I could totally be wrong about the likely dynamic, but I just thought it could be fun if everyone took themselves down a peg. But what do I know? Nothing. Ignore me.
Also, all weekend, but esp. Saturday and Sunday morning, I had phenomenally warm and exciting interactions with various Unfoggers and their real life friends, and that made me feel great too.
Mmm. I think we've had some online tension that you may have felt resolved offline -- for those of us that weren't there, it still feels a hair touchy around here.
Look, we're all sore about the results of the Texas-OSU game, but I think that we need to keep our eyes on the Big 12 championship, which gives us another shot at a BCS big. Let's not despair too early.
Taking self down several pegs: the movers are showing up to pack tomorrow and I'm in an absolute panic about all the shit I've been putting off. I feel like throwing up.
I was drunk when I went grocery shopping last night. BY MYSELF.
A few weeks ago I went to the grocery store at night, and ended up buying only cookies and beer. The cashier gave me a sympathetic look and said "Oh, honey...rough day?"
52: It'll be okay. I've spent all day making phone calls and finding out that it's surprisingly easy to do stuff at the last minute. The only problem is I need to calm down enough to figure out which stuff I need the movers *not* to pack, and set it aside.
That and get caught up on the laundry. Although I suppose worst case scenario is I throw the dirty laundry in the back of the car and drive it all the way to California for washing. Oh yeah, baby, I'm on top of shit.
Twenty-something man seeks codependent woman to entertain my original opinions on subjects from Elizabeth Peyton to Bob Stoops. You deplore both, naturally. We'll toast to our tastes, then drink in excess to dull our senses and/or the pain. God, am I lonely, in box no. xyz.
Someone (Labs?) already made a fake profile for Ogged. All I remember was that the headline was something like, "rub my pointy head and call me Nancy."
54, in my bachelor days I would truly dread a cashier saying something like that to me. I can't remember exactly but I may have, at times, examined my basket and considered the pathos content before returning to add some less depressing food.
I can't remember exactly but I may have, at times, examined my basket and considered the pathos content before returning to add some less depressing food.
63,65: It is awesome, but I'm curious about your rubric for classifying food as depressing or not.
Relatedly, I used to be incredibly self-conscious about buying condoms, and so I'd always buy something else as well, since coming up to the counter with just a pack of condoms seemed a little too revealing. I didn't want that knowing wink from the cashier.
One night, discovering that I was out but that some were urgently needed, I ran to the corner store and returned with a box of condoms and a lock de-icer.
I stood in front of a woman who was buying nothing but a Guinness and a pack of condoms and I was totally jealous. I told her so, and she said, yep, gonna be a good evening.
67: To tie back into the topic of the thread, it's not the message of any individual food items, but when viewed together, a shopping cart can tell a tale. Thus to counteract a depressing shopping cart, just pick up a few needed items that obscure the story. Lonely guy, beer and cookies = depression. Lonely guy, beer, cookies and a bag of oranges = ???.
Related: A friend of mine in high school was a bag boy. He told me once he had a customer who was buying a dozen sticks of deodorant plus a pack of sausages. "Got big plans tonight?" he asked. "Mind your own business," came the reply.
Visited the same grocery store for twenty years, I have watched bag-boys move to assistant mgr. There was a day when a sacker called all the checkouts to make a joke on my personal appearance that I wasn't supposed to notice. I took the joke with a good nature, pretended not to know what was going on while making sure they knew that I did, and added just a bit of embarrrassment for myself and slight general reproval for their cruelty. I do believe now they are pleased when I walk in the door, especially since I always grab my cart from the parking lot, no matter how far I have to walk to get one. A little exercise, you know.
A personal ad? Can't really imagine. "Everything I write contains a large element of self-mockery, although I could be deluding myself about this."
I also like #1. If she is a disagreeable person, then I could waste her time without feeling guilty. I wouldn't want to hurt #2, even the smallest bit.
I love playing the "guess what people are like based on their groceries" game. But really, the pathetic single person grocery things just seem like normal single person grocery shopping to me: people *do* like cookies and beer, and hey, condoms /= pathetic.
My real contempt is reserved for the person obviously shopping for a family whose groceries are virtually all prepackaged shit bought in large quantities (coke, frozen foods, "juicy juice," canned spaghetti sauce, lunchables, potato buds) with like maybe a bag of carrot sticks and some milk.
Very against the rules to notice or comment on the contents of the cart. 90% of my purchases, are fresh fruit and veggies, meat/fish/dairy, dog food & treats, coffee, and the very largest paper goods. 36 packs of Bounty.
The lady, by unspoken agreement, does her own personal shopping.
And what I get embarrassed by is weirdo last-minute filling in the holes in a festive meal shopping; four hours before having people for dinner, I'm always in a grocery store buying three avocados, heavy cream, and cinnamon sticks, and biting back the urge to explain myself.
85: Kind of. Mostly it more reminds me of good friends of mine who are Brits, and feminist, and funny, and self-deprecating. But yeah, it's true that (as 84 implies), I would myself much rather deal with (or be) someone who doesn't make people feel guilty than someone who people worry unduly about hurting.
Are they amazingly gorgeous and charmingly eccentric? Can they dole out abuse like a Welshman? If so, yes.
"Vain, superficial, emotionally unavailable man-child seeks female for sex, sympathy and mothering. Likes: calling in sick, missing deadlines, disappearing for days, spending your money, hot gay porn. Your own issues a bonus. Shouters preferred."
Fat, balding, desperate-to-impress white guy, wishes he's as cool as he used to be, was never as cool as he likes to think he was, seeks someone to laugh at his jokes, and enjoy nice dinners out. No fatties.
Man, I love buying tampons, because I enjoy how little I care about any possible embarrassment factors. As a kid with a dead mother, I started buying my own "feminine hygiene" products when I was 11. I got over being embarrassed about it pretty quickly, and I think the last time I bought some, I walked up to the cashier with a 40-pack of tampons, a 24-pack of condoms, a package of peanut m&m's and an expensive wheel of Brie. It was awesome. I always look the cashier right in the eye and am extra friendly.
So capitalized "Brie" in 96 is naming something, presumably, a person, right? Because I know someone named Brie who I'd like to buy an expensive wheel of. IYKWIM. AIYD, PEITM.
This policy promises to be violently shaken up, though, as I have it from a secret corporate source that the company is planning a release of Cashew M&Ms. My god, just imagine!
Last time I was at the grocery store, I bought: skim milk, Cozy Shack rice pudding (better than ice cream!), instant coffee, Utz sour cream & onion chips, and a six pack of beer. I don't think this says anything significant about my personality/lifestyle, although people who hate on instant coffee will probably disagree.
Since I turned 21, I have spent 2 1/2 (out of 14) years in places in which it is possible to buy beer in the grocery store. Assuming we don't count 3.2% alcohol as beer.
It definitely seemed like a real, and kinda odd person. It might have been a fake, but neither Labs nor I thought so. He crafted some polite reply, begging off a date.
I have a gold melitta filter, 2 coffee presses, a bodum teapot, and a stovetop percolator. And I frequently drink instant coffee. If only I had one of those electric indoor composters, I bet I'd drink real coffee all the time. Because the grounds, you know, the grounds are such a hassle.
Junior lawyer means someone who's never made it to Queen's Counsel. And at 62 he probably won't.
Jeffrey Bernard once published an ad reading "alcoholic diabetic amputee seeks pity fuck." I don't know if he ever revealed what replies he did or didn't get.
Trying to write a singles ad can be educational. During a not too distant period of my life when my no-relationship policy had not yet been established, I took a crack at it. When I made an honest attempt to let someone know what I wanted and what I had to offer, I came off like a very arrogant, sexist person with low self-esteem. So honesty was out of the question.
I am not sexist, but my desires, plans, and habits are. Thus, the no-relationship policy.
BTW, Davies is much better looking than he'd have you believe. Check his Guardian page. He probably isn't Welsh either.
This is not the first time Emerson has recommended that we check out Davies' handsome mug. In fact, I'm starting to suspect that such recommendations are the replacement for the formerly ubiquitous bestiality references.
Well, in my defence, I'm pretty sure I heard the joke a long time ago. Possibly with Aberdeenshire substitued for North Wales. And googled 'border leicester' to find it. Although, come to think of it, I do remember the Lucy Mangan version of it excerpted in the link 152 and that must have prompted my memory.
'Late-20s listless lad seeks gamer girl for Blackwing Lair clears, snuggles, debates on who's hotter, Alyson Hanigan or Summer Glau. Let's ignore the gnawing dread of our own impending middle-aged years together'
Truly, Labs is Murdock. Lovely.
Posted by SomeCallMeTim | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 8:27 AM
Okay, let's settle this tone question once and for all. Which of the following women would you rather date?
1. "Tired of feeling patronized by the ads in this column? Then I'm not the woman for you, little man. Today you may be benighted and insignificant, tomorrow you will be more so. Now off you go. Box no. 14/12."
2. "63-year old retired academic, (F, Oxford). Would like sensible occasional company, M or F. Box no. 11/02."
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 8:38 AM
I would never put up a personals ad.
Posted by Adam Kotsko | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 8:40 AM
Well, basically, 1 is just trying to be funny, and what she really means is that she'd be fun, but doesn't know how to convey that in a personals ad.
Nyah.
Posted by Cala | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 8:40 AM
You should definitely put up ad #2. You want to keep people's expectations low.
Posted by Cryptic Ned | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 8:41 AM
2 in a heartbeat.
Posted by I don't pay | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 8:50 AM
Doorman at the swingers' party of life. Peripheral man, 43, holding out for more than a left-over goody bag and a hand
shakejob.Posted by Matt F | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 8:55 AM
I'm with IDP. 1 sounds too much like hard work.
Posted by OneFatEnglishman | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 8:55 AM
#2. Forced clever is irritating; if you can't do it right, don't do it.
Posted by SomeCallMeTim | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 9:00 AM
8: If you're with IDP, why are you tooling around in the personal ads?
Posted by Doug | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 9:01 AM
7 is a fine ad.
Posted by Clownæsthesiologist | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 9:03 AM
How does this work?
"Angry theology student seeks an emotionally vulnerable woman who's not afraid of mood swings and staying home to read on Saturday nights."
Posted by Adam Kotsko | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 9:16 AM
I am not as high maintenance as my highly polished and impeccably arranged collection of porcelain cats suggests, but if you touch them I will kill you. F, 36. Likes porcelain cats. Seeks man not unused to the sound of sobbing coming from a bedroom from which he is strictly prohibited. Tell me how attractive I am at box no. 16/08
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 9:26 AM
From.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 9:26 AM
I'm surprised by you guys. To me, there's more hostility in that one word, "sensible," than in any of ad #1, which it seems to me achieves real humor in "now off you go."
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 9:32 AM
I think 13 is my match.
Posted by Adam Kotsko | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 9:36 AM
You guys are nuts. #1 is a much more appealing ad.
Posted by gswift | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 9:40 AM
15: Sure, it achieves humor, but is completely unappealing and sounds like it was written by an extremely arrogant person who is pretending that she is only pretending to be extremely arrogant.
Posted by Cryptic Ned | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 9:41 AM
To me, there's more hostility in that one word, "sensible,"
I think you're reading too much into that.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 9:41 AM
b, I know #2 already, close enough. She's probably a raving intellectual snob, but all she means is that her circle of acquaintance has dwindled to her biological family and her neighbours and none of them can talk about anything harder than television soaps.
Posted by OneFatEnglishman | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 9:43 AM
See, to me #1 sounds like a woman who knows that she can be kinda mean, and is trying to make fun of it. Which suggests that she's at least self-aware and has a sense of humor. #2 to me just sounds dire: humorless, self-pitying, superior. It's of course possible that #2 is really a modest person, but the tone of that "sensible," just, shudder.
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 9:47 AM
I think 18 is roughly right. #1 is cloying. No one wants to be patronized, she's put an ad for companionship, so she really doesn't want possible companions to think she's patronizing. She chose to create a persona at seeming odds with her purpose. Who wants that kind of drama and neurosis in a relationship from the outset?
Posted by SomeCallMeTim | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 9:47 AM
Hey, I have an idea that will shred this community to bits! Let's do them for ourselves, then, for each other! (If you want to skip the shredding, we could only do the former.) I'll try to start, though I reserve the right to revise it to make it funnier:
26 y.o. nailbiter seeks svengali to free me from personal responsibility and/or slave to my emotional needs. I'll hate you for being domineering; you'll never condescend.
Posted by Tia | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 9:50 AM
#21 is exactly right. Man, no wonder so many of you guys are single.
Posted by gswift | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 9:52 AM
I'm with OFE on this one. I can picture this woman in my head, and male equivalents as well. It really strikes me as very, very English. The older fellows and professors at Oxbridge and their upper-crust friends have this seemingly-patronizing exterior that can conceal extremely genuine affection and respect. They just can't really tell you that to your face, so you can at best be "sensible" company. The couple people I'm thinking of who I've spent more time with that ad #2 reminded me of are also among the nicest, most generous people I've met.
Posted by JAC | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 9:52 AM
30-something smartass seeks emotionally secure guy who can see through my facade, but won't tell anyone.
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 9:52 AM
I was thinking we should try to be really nastily self mocking.
Posted by Tia | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 9:54 AM
The thing is, #1 is very English as well. It's a much more fun kind of Englishness, for my money.
I like Tia's ad idea, actually.
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 9:54 AM
I apologize to all those who fought through the quagmire of prepositional phrases and dangling modifiers in the last sentence of my previous post. What I meant was: "The people I know well who could easily have written ad #2 are among the nicest, most generous people I've ever met."
Posted by JAC | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 9:57 AM
Person of mystery seeks person of mystery for same.
Posted by standpipe b | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 9:57 AM
The exercise was to choose between two alternatives. "Neither," at that point, was not playing the game.
I saw that "sensible" just as you did, btw, so neither would have been my honest answer. But unlike you, I found #1 repellent.
Just a data point.
Posted by I don't pay | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 9:59 AM
The thing is, #1 is very English as well. It's a much more fun kind of Englishness, for my money.
Ad #1 doesn't suggest "English" to me so much as it suggests "first draft of dominatrix's ad for her dungeon in the local alterna-weekly".
Posted by JAC | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 10:00 AM
Nasty self-mocking is fun, but is this really the time?
That said, okey-doke:
30-something conceited woman, incapable of letting anything go (ever), seeks adoring, easily deluded fool.
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 10:01 AM
26 - Thought you'd got one of those. Are you collecting?
Posted by OneFatEnglishman | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 10:03 AM
Why is it not the time?
I'll do another one:
I'm far too insecure to tolerate sex with a man as attractive as I am, so please be overweight or at least ten years my senior...but wait, you really thought you had a chance with me?
You can also do personal ads that you feel really represent you. I don't make the rules.
Posted by Tia | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 10:05 AM
34: Always. Hence 33.
35: Are you kidding? I think people are feeling a little anxious right now. That said, I think it would be way more fun to have a thread dedicated to faking other people's ads, but only if it were done in good humor.
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 10:10 AM
I think people are feeling a little anxious right now.
Really? Why?
Posted by teofilo | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 10:11 AM
Wouldn't it be safer if it was a thread devoted to personal ads just for Ogged?
Posted by Adam Kotsko | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 10:12 AM
An elderly English (Ok, Cornish) friend of mine always sounded just like #1. She was a raving drama queen and it was all mostly an act, but she was always entertaining. Maybe because of that I hear more hostility in the second ad than in the first.
Anyway, why should I choose #2 over any other sensible academic?
Posted by Paul | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 10:12 AM
Okay. I feel my own personal anxiety has been resolved, but I guess that's not true of everyone.
Posted by Tia | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 10:13 AM
35, 37: I've had the impression things are touchy around here this week as well.
Posted by LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 10:13 AM
Dear god, I feel like I'm living in a parallel universe.
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 10:13 AM
I'm sorry, I don't mean to parallel universe anyone. I feel good because I've expressed my affection and regard for everyone I feel it for where that might have gotten lost in conflict; and where I have unresolvable anger at people I've said that too. So I have spoken my truth, so to speak, and now feel comfortable. That's just me. Also, all weekend, but esp. Saturday and Sunday morning, I had phenomenally warm and exciting interactions with various Unfoggers and their real life friends, and that made me feel great too. And I could totally be wrong about the likely dynamic, but I just thought it could be fun if everyone took themselves down a peg. But what do I know? Nothing. Ignore me.
Posted by Tia | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 10:19 AM
Dear god, I feel like I'm living in a parallel universe.
Perhaps you lack empathy. I, on the other hand, am finely attuned to the emotional states of all.
Posted by gswift | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 10:20 AM
I kind of feel like the weekend set us aright after all the drama of last week. But maybe I'm just projecting.
Posted by teofilo | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 10:22 AM
Also, all weekend, but esp. Saturday and Sunday morning, I had phenomenally warm and exciting interactions with various Unfoggers and their real life friends, and that made me feel great too.
Mmm. I think we've had some online tension that you may have felt resolved offline -- for those of us that weren't there, it still feels a hair touchy around here.
Posted by LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 10:24 AM
I just thought it could be fun if everyone took themselves down a peg.
Ok. I confess. I was drunk when I went grocery shopping last night. BY MYSELF.
Posted by Paul | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 10:27 AM
I've often said that the best argument in favor of calling blogs "communities" is that we get sick of each other.
Posted by Adam Kotsko | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 10:29 AM
for those of us that weren't there, it still feels a hair touchy around here.
Solution: Tia should live-blog all her offline interactions.
Posted by Clownæsthesiologist | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 10:29 AM
Look, we're all sore about the results of the Texas-OSU game, but I think that we need to keep our eyes on the Big 12 championship, which gives us another shot at a BCS big. Let's not despair too early.
Posted by Armsmasher | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 10:30 AM
Taking self down several pegs: the movers are showing up to pack tomorrow and I'm in an absolute panic about all the shit I've been putting off. I feel like throwing up.
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 10:33 AM
Ack, I wish I were there to help you move. I was just saying last night I enjoy other people's moves, though of course, not my own.
Posted by Tia | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 10:36 AM
39/47: Shall I introduce you to any of my girlfriends?
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 10:37 AM
I was drunk when I went grocery shopping last night. BY MYSELF.
A few weeks ago I went to the grocery store at night, and ended up buying only cookies and beer. The cashier gave me a sympathetic look and said "Oh, honey...rough day?"
But really, I had just run out of beer.
Posted by Matt F | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 10:39 AM
52: It'll be okay. I've spent all day making phone calls and finding out that it's surprisingly easy to do stuff at the last minute. The only problem is I need to calm down enough to figure out which stuff I need the movers *not* to pack, and set it aside.
That and get caught up on the laundry. Although I suppose worst case scenario is I throw the dirty laundry in the back of the car and drive it all the way to California for washing. Oh yeah, baby, I'm on top of shit.
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 10:39 AM
"sensible" is a common malapropism of native French speakers who want to say something like "affectionate" FWIW.
Posted by dsquared | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 10:41 AM
Twenty-something man seeks codependent woman to entertain my original opinions on subjects from Elizabeth Peyton to Bob Stoops. You deplore both, naturally. We'll toast to our tastes, then drink in excess to dull our senses and/or the pain. God, am I lonely, in box no. xyz.
Posted by Armsmasher | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 10:47 AM
50: Armsmasher gets it exactly wrong. We are elated about the Texas-OSU game.
Do 43 and 45 mean that they finally had sex?
Posted by FL | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 10:50 AM
54 -- did you get her number?
Posted by Clownæsthesiologist | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 10:51 AM
Someone (Labs?) already made a fake profile for Ogged. All I remember was that the headline was something like, "rub my pointy head and call me Nancy."
Posted by dagger aleph | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 10:52 AM
Let's do pretend couplings instead. Here's mine:
Labs (he of the indeterminate sexuality) with SB (s/he of the indeterminate sex)
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 10:55 AM
I'm confused -- wouldn't "pretend" refer to hook-ups that haven't happened in real life?
Posted by Adam Kotsko | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 10:56 AM
54, in my bachelor days I would truly dread a cashier saying something like that to me. I can't remember exactly but I may have, at times, examined my basket and considered the pathos content before returning to add some less depressing food.
Posted by neil | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 10:56 AM
Nah, let's play truth or dare.
Posted by Clownæsthesiologist | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 10:57 AM
I can't remember exactly but I may have, at times, examined my basket and considered the pathos content before returning to add some less depressing food.
That's awesome.
Posted by SomeCallMeTim | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 10:58 AM
And healthy!
Posted by neil | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 11:03 AM
63,65: It is awesome, but I'm curious about your rubric for classifying food as depressing or not.
Relatedly, I used to be incredibly self-conscious about buying condoms, and so I'd always buy something else as well, since coming up to the counter with just a pack of condoms seemed a little too revealing. I didn't want that knowing wink from the cashier.
One night, discovering that I was out but that some were urgently needed, I ran to the corner store and returned with a box of condoms and a lock de-icer.
Posted by mrh | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 11:04 AM
I ran to the corner store and returned with a box of condoms and a lock de-icer.
Which wouldn't lead to any speculation, no.
Posted by Armsmasher | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 11:12 AM
Makes me wonder what he was doing out in the freezing cold with just his chastity belt on.
Posted by standpipe b | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 11:14 AM
Didn't your mother ever tell you to dress for the weather?
Posted by standpipe b | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 11:17 AM
lock de-icer
Cool -- I did not know such a product existed.
Posted by Clownæsthesiologist | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 11:17 AM
Someone (Labs?) already made a fake profile for Ogged.
And it got a response.
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 11:18 AM
I stood in front of a woman who was buying nothing but a Guinness and a pack of condoms and I was totally jealous. I told her so, and she said, yep, gonna be a good evening.
Posted by Megan | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 11:18 AM
I'm so evil that I actively enjoy buying tampons when the clerk is a high-school aged guy. They always avoid eye contact, and it amuses me.
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 11:20 AM
One Guinness? She may have been planning a good evening, but she's an awfully stingy hostess.
Posted by LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 11:20 AM
67: To tie back into the topic of the thread, it's not the message of any individual food items, but when viewed together, a shopping cart can tell a tale. Thus to counteract a depressing shopping cart, just pick up a few needed items that obscure the story. Lonely guy, beer and cookies = depression. Lonely guy, beer, cookies and a bag of oranges = ???.
Related: A friend of mine in high school was a bag boy. He told me once he had a customer who was buying a dozen sticks of deodorant plus a pack of sausages. "Got big plans tonight?" he asked. "Mind your own business," came the reply.
Posted by neil | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 11:22 AM
A pack of Guinness? I didn't know the collective noun and I didn't erase the article.
Posted by Megan | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 11:22 AM
Visited the same grocery store for twenty years, I have watched bag-boys move to assistant mgr. There was a day when a sacker called all the checkouts to make a joke on my personal appearance that I wasn't supposed to notice. I took the joke with a good nature, pretended not to know what was going on while making sure they knew that I did, and added just a bit of embarrrassment for myself and slight general reproval for their cruelty. I do believe now they are pleased when I walk in the door, especially since I always grab my cart from the parking lot, no matter how far I have to walk to get one. A little exercise, you know.
A personal ad? Can't really imagine. "Everything I write contains a large element of self-mockery, although I could be deluding myself about this."
Posted by bob mcmanus | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 11:23 AM
"nothing but Guinness and a pack of condoms", or more economically, "nothing but Guinness and condoms".
Posted by Armsmasher | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 11:24 AM
74: that works with condoms and high school aged girls. At least if you buy at least 5 or 6 packs and a bottle or two of lube.
Posted by Anonymous | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 11:27 AM
I also like #1. If she is a disagreeable person, then I could waste her time without feeling guilty. I wouldn't want to hurt #2, even the smallest bit.
Posted by bob mcmanus | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 11:28 AM
I love playing the "guess what people are like based on their groceries" game. But really, the pathetic single person grocery things just seem like normal single person grocery shopping to me: people *do* like cookies and beer, and hey, condoms /= pathetic.
My real contempt is reserved for the person obviously shopping for a family whose groceries are virtually all prepackaged shit bought in large quantities (coke, frozen foods, "juicy juice," canned spaghetti sauce, lunchables, potato buds) with like maybe a bag of carrot sticks and some milk.
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 11:28 AM
Life ain't (etc.)
Posted by standpipe b | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 11:29 AM
81: That's it, exactly.
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 11:29 AM
Dr B. #1 is just one of your ads, isn't it. Ok, it sounds a little Brittish for you, but the attitude is exactly you.
Posted by rob helpy-chalk | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 11:33 AM
Very against the rules to notice or comment on the contents of the cart. 90% of my purchases, are fresh fruit and veggies, meat/fish/dairy, dog food & treats, coffee, and the very largest paper goods. 36 packs of Bounty.
The lady, by unspoken agreement, does her own personal shopping.
Posted by bob mcmanus | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 11:35 AM
85: Domineditrix, wasn't it?
And what I get embarrassed by is weirdo last-minute filling in the holes in a festive meal shopping; four hours before having people for dinner, I'm always in a grocery store buying three avocados, heavy cream, and cinnamon sticks, and biting back the urge to explain myself.
Posted by LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 11:38 AM
So what it is it exactly that works with high school girls, condoms, and lube?
Posted by washerdreyer | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 11:38 AM
That you can make them embarrased by purchasing the stuff?
Posted by Clownæsthesiologist | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 11:42 AM
85: Kind of. Mostly it more reminds me of good friends of mine who are Brits, and feminist, and funny, and self-deprecating. But yeah, it's true that (as 84 implies), I would myself much rather deal with (or be) someone who doesn't make people feel guilty than someone who people worry unduly about hurting.
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 12:03 PM
So what it is it exactly that works with high school girls, condoms, and lube?
A lock de-icer?
Posted by Armsmasher | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 12:05 PM
Shall I introduce you to any of my girlfriends?
Are they amazingly gorgeous and charmingly eccentric? Can they dole out abuse like a Welshman? If so, yes.
"Vain, superficial, emotionally unavailable man-child seeks female for sex, sympathy and mothering. Likes: calling in sick, missing deadlines, disappearing for days, spending your money, hot gay porn. Your own issues a bonus. Shouters preferred."
Posted by Paul | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 12:27 PM
All my girlfriends are amazingly gorgeous, charmingly eccentric, and able to dole out abuse, of course. Like attracts like.
Not so sure about the "mothering" thing, though.
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 12:48 PM
Fat, balding, desperate-to-impress white guy, wishes he's as cool as he used to be, was never as cool as he likes to think he was, seeks someone to laugh at his jokes, and enjoy nice dinners out. No fatties.
Posted by Chopper | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 12:49 PM
"13 inches of love, ready and waiting. OK to share if that's too much for you."
Posted by Brock Landers | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 12:54 PM
Man, I love buying tampons, because I enjoy how little I care about any possible embarrassment factors. As a kid with a dead mother, I started buying my own "feminine hygiene" products when I was 11. I got over being embarrassed about it pretty quickly, and I think the last time I bought some, I walked up to the cashier with a 40-pack of tampons, a 24-pack of condoms, a package of peanut m&m's and an expensive wheel of Brie. It was awesome. I always look the cashier right in the eye and am extra friendly.
Posted by m. leblanc | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 12:57 PM
I love 96.
Also, I think it would make a fabulous personal ad.
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 12:58 PM
a 40-pack of tampons, a 24-pack of condoms
That's an awful lot of unprotected tampons.
Posted by standpipe b | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 1:04 PM
The brie really makes that story.
Posted by standpipe b | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 1:05 PM
96 sounds like my last shopping trip. I prefer the peanut butter M&M's, though, if I can find them.
Posted by F. Winston Codpiece III | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 1:05 PM
So capitalized "Brie" in 96 is naming something, presumably, a person, right? Because I know someone named Brie who I'd like to buy an expensive wheel of. IYKWIM. AIYD, PEITM.
Posted by washerdreyer | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 1:10 PM
Today, the vending machine at work features dark chocolate M & M's, which I had never heard of previously. Is this something new?
Posted by Clownæsthesiologist | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 1:11 PM
In order of preference, my M&M policy is as follows:
1. Peanut M&Ms
2. Peanut butter M&Ms
3. Plain M&Ms
4. Almond M&Ms
This policy promises to be violently shaken up, though, as I have it from a secret corporate source that the company is planning a release of Cashew M&Ms. My god, just imagine!
Posted by m. leblanc | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 1:12 PM
54 -- did you get her number?
Pretty sure she was in her 60's. It was more of a grandmotherly concern than thrice-age'd flirting.
Posted by Matt F | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 1:13 PM
The comma after presumably in 101 shouldn't be.
Posted by washerdreyer | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 1:14 PM
PEITM
Phineas Expects Igloos To Melt?
Posted by Matt F | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 1:16 PM
M&Ms are pretty nasty.
Posted by Jackmormon | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 1:17 PM
I've used things in 105 which I intended to mention.
Posted by washerdreyer | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 1:18 PM
106: Please Enter Into The Mineshaft
107: that's sort of the point of M&M's.
Posted by Clownæsthesiologist | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 1:19 PM
"And If You Do, Please Explain It To Me"
Posted by standpipe b | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 1:22 PM
Last time I was at the grocery store, I bought: skim milk, Cozy Shack rice pudding (better than ice cream!), instant coffee, Utz sour cream & onion chips, and a six pack of beer. I don't think this says anything significant about my personality/lifestyle, although people who hate on instant coffee will probably disagree.
Posted by dagger aleph | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 1:23 PM
M&Ms are the paragon of candy. Jackmormon hates America.
Posted by m. leblanc | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 1:28 PM
Don't worry, leblanc: instant coffee is much, much nastier than M&Ms are.
Posted by Jackmormon | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 1:30 PM
Cozy Shack rice pudding
Seriously? Is this stuff good?
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 1:32 PM
110 gets it exactly right, and makes me happy.
I'm torn between bashing Jackmormon's child-murdering candy views and applauding her principled stand against the evils of instant coffee.
Posted by washerdreyer | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 1:34 PM
Cozy Shack is ambrosia.
Who responded to "your" personal ad, anyway? How do you know it wasn't an Unfogged person yanking your chain?
Posted by dagger aleph | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 1:35 PM
yanking your chain
But you see, this is the very point of personal ads.
Posted by Matt F | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 1:36 PM
110 gets it exactly right, and makes me happy.
Submit now, if you haven't already.
Posted by standpipe b | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 1:37 PM
Since I turned 21, I have spent 2 1/2 (out of 14) years in places in which it is possible to buy beer in the grocery store. Assuming we don't count 3.2% alcohol as beer.
Posted by Matt Weiner | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 1:39 PM
Assuming we don't count 3.2% alcohol as beer.
And we don't. Goddamned Colorado liquor laws ruined my fishing trip.
Posted by dagger aleph | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 1:42 PM
Who responded to "your" personal ad, anyway?
It definitely seemed like a real, and kinda odd person. It might have been a fake, but neither Labs nor I thought so. He crafted some polite reply, begging off a date.
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 1:44 PM
Hey dagger, ol marketing department buddy, you mean Kozy Shack, right?
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 1:46 PM
Oh, never fucking mind. I thought it was an ice-cream substitute, but it's made with milk. Fuck.
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 1:47 PM
But Wolfson's mom insisted, so *I* went out with her.
Posted by FL | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 1:50 PM
Thanks for showing her a good time, Labs.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 2:09 PM
Some of us can buy not only beer and wine but even, say, tequila in the grocery store. There are things that this place does right.
Posted by DaveL | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 2:22 PM
I have a gold melitta filter, 2 coffee presses, a bodum teapot, and a stovetop percolator. And I frequently drink instant coffee. If only I had one of those electric indoor composters, I bet I'd drink real coffee all the time. Because the grounds, you know, the grounds are such a hassle.
Posted by mcmc | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 2:29 PM
Returning to the linked post, I see that one of the personals was from "Junior lawyer (M, 62)".
What exactly does "junior" mean for a lawyer?
Also the one describing himself as "Conductor of the Groin" is a bit inspired.
Posted by Cryptic Ned | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 3:12 PM
Junior lawyer means someone who's never made it to Queen's Counsel. And at 62 he probably won't.
Jeffrey Bernard once published an ad reading "alcoholic diabetic amputee seeks pity fuck." I don't know if he ever revealed what replies he did or didn't get.
Posted by Basil Valentine | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 4:00 PM
How many counselors does the Queen need?
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 4:07 PM
Trying to write a singles ad can be educational. During a not too distant period of my life when my no-relationship policy had not yet been established, I took a crack at it. When I made an honest attempt to let someone know what I wanted and what I had to offer, I came off like a very arrogant, sexist person with low self-esteem. So honesty was out of the question.
I am not sexist, but my desires, plans, and habits are. Thus, the no-relationship policy.
BTW, Davies is much better looking than he'd have you believe. Check his Guardian page. He probably isn't Welsh either.
Posted by John Emerson | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 4:08 PM
I already did mine.
Posted by slolernr | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 4:10 PM
The personal ad I would have written a couple of years ago: No non-Finns need apply. If you're a Finn, you're in.
(All tension resolved offstage, btw.)
Posted by ac | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 4:12 PM
One ought not continually to advert to resolved tension. If it's resolved, it's resolved, and there's an end on't.
It's unseemly.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 4:15 PM
Some might think it's still going.
Posted by ac | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 4:23 PM
And you're not the boss of me, Wolfson.
Posted by ac | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 4:25 PM
133 If you're a Finn, you're in.
But do you prefer Tim or Neil?
Posted by Nakku | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 4:26 PM
This is not the first time Emerson has recommended that we check out Davies' handsome mug. In fact, I'm starting to suspect that such recommendations are the replacement for the formerly ubiquitous bestiality references.
Posted by Adam Kotsko | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 4:28 PM
131: Funnier if "How many counselors does Queen need."
Posted by minneapolitan | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 4:29 PM
138: Pretty much the same thing, isn't it? Davies is Welsh, after all.
Posted by LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 4:33 PM
Davies may be fat, but his claims to be ugly are fraudulent. I call shenanigans.
Posted by fraudulent. | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 4:40 PM
Things Emerson thinks are good looking:
Goats.
Daniel Davies.
Ways LB flirts:
By comparing her encrushorata to goats.
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 4:43 PM
Sheep, Welshmen, it's all the same.
Posted by bitchphd | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 4:43 PM
Not only that, he's very cheerful looking and not grumpy looking at all.
Posted by John Emerson | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 4:48 PM
Does a Welshman prefer being confused with a sheep or with an Englishman?
Posted by washerdreyer | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 4:51 PM
That's not very nice, Ogged. I've never compared you to a ruminant.
Posted by LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 4:52 PM
I've never compared you to a ruminant.
Don't think I haven't noticed.
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 4:54 PM
Ogged hasn't ruminated since he dropped out of school.
Posted by ben wolfson | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 4:54 PM
Hmmmm...
Posted by teofilo | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 4:56 PM
I don't think I've made any secret of my weakness for cloven-hoofed quadupeds, after all. I may be a reptile myself, but consider my husband.
Posted by LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 4:57 PM
I do not condone this behavior. It violates my anti-relationship policy, for one thing.
Posted by John Emerson | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 4:58 PM
http://dailyfunnies.org/page/24/a-story-about-sheep
Posted by nattarGcM ttaM | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 4:59 PM
Way Weiner-pwned McG.
Posted by ogged | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 5:01 PM
152: I've seen that story somewhere before, and love it truly.
Posted by LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 5:01 PM
I think that's a meta-Weiner-pwn.
Posted by teofilo | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 5:03 PM
Shite.
Well, in my defence, I'm pretty sure I heard the joke a long time ago. Possibly with Aberdeenshire substitued for North Wales. And googled 'border leicester' to find it. Although, come to think of it, I do remember the Lucy Mangan version of it excerpted in the link 152 and that must have prompted my memory.
Posted by nattarGcM ttaM | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 5:03 PM
149: Man, you have a memory and a half.
Posted by LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 5:05 PM
'Late-20s listless lad seeks gamer girl for Blackwing Lair clears, snuggles, debates on who's hotter, Alyson Hanigan or Summer Glau. Let's ignore the gnawing dread of our own impending middle-aged years together'
Posted by NBarnes | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 5:26 PM
Not only that, he's very cheerful looking and not grumpy looking at all.
Why shouldn't he look cheerful? It's not like he's stewing over a bunch of repressed anger, after all.
Posted by mcmc | Link to this comment | 09-11-06 6:09 PM