Terrifying. Did he seem to be there with someone?
Was the FBI called at any point? Dateline?
Interesting follow-up to the post about extremely flexible and strong twelve-year-olds.
You're never going to make it into the next Borat or Jackass movie if you act that cool in these situations.
It occurs to me that the above-the-fold portion of this blog has never been less worksafe than it is right now.
Quick, put up another YouTube link to push this thread down! Preferably a link to this!
Mmm. Thank heavens no one I know reads this thing. If they did, I'd be curdled with embarassment.
This is a sweet holiday tale, what's the problem?
It's absurdly hot in Los Angeles. I just spent six days in a goddamn desert, and I come back to Los Angeles and can't move.
The word "ithyphallic" can also be useful in describing situations of this type.
13: No one wants to read about your fish fetish, John.
An unwanted erection is the saddest thing in the world. You should consider adopting it, Ogged.
10: Other than the fact that it makes you sound like Leslie Nielsen in Airplane!? ("Billy, have you ever seen a grown man naked?")
11: shoulda stayed a couple more days, Wrongshore.
10: I hadn't realized little boy's erections had quite so much to do with, uh, labor.
12 is exactly right. gaaah. I just poured coffee over ice. I never do that to coffee!
It's a chub, not a choice.
So awesome.
In retrospect, I don't know why the kid didn't just go into one of the private shower stalls until he had thing under control. Probably all the blood rushing out of his brain.
Labor Day weekend had nearly come and gone, and little Peter was feeling different from all the other boys.
"Why is it everyone else gets to spend time with their Dads on this special day, and I get stuck with Uncle Phil?" Peter asked forlornly. "Johnny got to go camping, and Michael spent the weekend at the beach! Nothing ever fun happens to me."
But Uncle Phil saved Peter's Labor Day weekend surprise for that Monday afternoon. "Peter," he asked, "would you like to join Uncle Phil for a very special trip to the men's locker room? You're almost a man now, and I think it's time for you to see what being a man is all about."
"Really, Uncle Phil?" Peter was so excited. "I get to spend the day with grown-up men?"
"Yes, Peter. At the men's locker room, you'll see men of all different shapes and sizes and colors. I want you to see that all our bodies are special and beautiful."
But when they got to the locker room and undressed, Peter realized that Uncle Phil was nowhere to be found. In his place, a tall, skinny Persian man stood, completely nude, in front of his locker.
"This is what Uncle Phil told me I'd see!" Peter thought, excited. "This is the Labor Day mystery!"
Ogged: Does your mother read this blog?
Why would she need to, IA, when you're here to be scandalized in her stead?
The title of the post is far too Hans Christian Andersen for comfort.
In the HCA version, Ogged would have tried to trick the little boy out of his erection, only to be outwitted himself, resulting in his eventual comeuppance.
ATM.
14: That would by "ichthyphallic".
I have a friend who claims to get morning wood from even seconds of sleep. It wasn't a helpful quirk in class.
In retrospect, I don't know why the kid didn't just go into one of the private shower stalls until he had thing under control.
Five years in the showers seems a bit much to ask just to spare everyone some embarrassment.
The creepiest part of this post was the "slight swoon".
I don't know where you guys are getting "creepy." This is the funniest thing Ogged has ever written.
The creepiest part of this post was the "slight swoon".
But also the funniest.
I have a friend who claims to get morning wood from even seconds of sleep. It wasn't a helpful quirk in class.
Inconvenient.
As an adolescent I was tortured by the dreaded "mass transit erection." Whenever I'd ride the bus to school (every morning), I'd develop a raging erection within minutes of boarding.
What I Did on my Labor Day Weekend
I went to my sister's cabin for family bonding. If I refused one more time there would have been hurt feelings. Off the internet for 48 hours, but nothing much seems to have happened while I was gone.
It was like wandering into a novel about bourgeois ritual behavior. My sister had all the apparatus for the obligatory normal fun family weekend like you see on TV. Not enough people, though, especially not enough kids, and most of us are non-fun people. We are actually talking about borrowing a few kids from a neighbor next time, to perform the fun-having duties.
The House of Emerson is dying out. My father had no brothers, my brothers had only daughters, my son seems unlikely to breed, and even the adult grandchildren not named "Emerson" are 4/6 non-breeders. So you relationship-friendly motherfuckers can gloat. The no-relationship policy is demographically doomed, like the Shaker religion, even though we are pro-child (just anti-spouse).
After watching two Three Stooges shorts (my request) we watched "The War of The Roses" (my sisters' choice). My sisters cheered Kathleen Turner on every inch of the way. They would have preferred a version in which she survived the fall, inherited the house, and buried her husband in an unmarked grave, however. Some see the movie as a battle between two evil people, or a regrettably bitter fight which should have been handled differently, but my sisters see a villain and a heroine.
Michael Douglas in the movies is a dead ringer (appearance and behavior) for the less-sociopathic of my two living ex-brothers-in-law.
THE END
Note to self: advise PK to hide in private showers during unwanted erections.
advise PK to hide in private showers during unwanted erections.
Only if they are his own. If they belong to others, advise: scream bloody murder.
"No, sir, I don't need any help with this thing. But thank you."
I didn't think it was possible, but 32 slightly increased my end-of-summer depression.
As embarrassed as the little boy was to have an unwanted erection in the locker room, think how much more embarrassed he would have been had he known his erection would be talked about and laughed about by a bunch of strange adults on the internet.
So next time you see a little boy in a similar predicament, take him aside and tell him that, as bad as things seem, they could be much worse. I'm sure he'll feel a lot better.
take him aside and tell him that, as bad as things seem, they could are about to be much worse
"After all, it's not like I'm blogging this."
It occurs to me that perhaps I should have said that he subjected me to his cockular attentions. Or can only Bridgeplate get away with things like that?
it's othello to iago, i believe:
"give me the cockular proof!"
This post elicited a bark of very loud laughter. My friend, freshly back from Marine OCS, scurried over to investigate what produced laughter of that magnitude. I think his newly inculcated authoritarian instincts will lead him to report me to some manner of government commission on deviancy. It will probably end up with us bombing Iran on the pretense that they are infiltrating the US with a brigade of persian pedophiles. I mean, cockular region? Really?
A story like this really warms the cockules of my heart.
perhaps I should have said that he subjected me to his cockular attentions. Or can only Bridgeplate get away with things like that?
Sir! I would not write with such cockophonous diction.
46--
"cockophonous diction"
hooboy--i heard that one coming.
I am pretty sure this post violates the child pornography laws.
Yeah, Oggers had better pray that nobody can be shown to have been beating off while reading this post.
Mandatory seminary for everybody! God is on the case, Ned.
Semenary man-dates will only compound the problem.
Yeah, Oggers had better pray that nobody can be shown to have been beating off while readingwriting this post.
Semenary man-dates will only compound the problem.
Pwnage is transitive. "Seminary".
Or can only Bridgeplate get away with things like that?
No, I can, too.
Pictures of little boys exercising?
Posts about little boys erections?
I liked it better when Unfogged was about boyshorts and bra sizing.
I liked it better when Unfogged was about boyshorts and bra sizing.
Whiner. Bra sizing is boring.
Once dated a guy rather more well-endowed than I. As you might imagine, this invited a certain degree of insecurity (not that I didn't appreciate the upside of the situation), but I finally found some peace when it dawned on me what a nightmare that thing must have been during his adolescent years.
An ex of mine was, and presumably still is, well-endowed, and more than a few male friends of ours let me know in any number of ways that they resented him dreadfully, in an ongoing manner.
Don't hate him because he has a big dick!
You slut! I saw him first...maybe.
I keep on wanting to read the post title as "Unwashed"
You know, so do I.
You are a very, very sick person, TJ.
God, that poor kid. On the other hand, if he can maintain an erection in a room full of people, maybe he's got a future in porn.
It's not so much 'maintain' as the opposite, surely. When it happens, it happens. You wouldn't think it'd happen on crowded public transport but, as per 31, it does.
So it's a natural ability, but not something to be "maintained". Kind of like the Hulk. Once the transformation is in motion, there's no stopping it.
The Missus and I were discussing a particular colleague (subordinate) of mine, the one who is better than me in every conceivable way: smarter, better looking, more athletic, more charming, etc. etc.
At one point she tried to console me by saying, "Well, he probably has a small dick." I had to tell her that I had seen him in the buff, and in reality, it's huge.
Bigger is not always better:
"When he comes to me his penis is so large that he can't have any satisfaction from me, and we've both tried every possible way to enjoy each other, but nothing works." (Unn, speaking of her husband Hrut, in Njal's Saga ยง 7)
re: 70
I know someone who allegedly has this problem.* It's probably come up in Unfogged comments before.
* not alleged by him.
25: I give you gold, and receive pedantic dross.
I've never seen someone teased for having a small dick, but I was teased for having a big one. It's quite the cross to bear.
Can we assume that the old Norse had no concept of the "hand job", or did Unn have tiny hands?
It's probably come up in Unfogged comments before.
I remember that. It completely got in the way of further conversation. *So* inconvenient.
If the Norse were giving handjobs, where would they hold their swords and shields?
Just in case you weren't keeping track, there's a convergence of cock jokes in all three active threads.
Make that three of four. But the new post looks promising.