Re: Tissue times.

1

You can't sneeze with your eyes open.

Yes you can.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 7:06 AM
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Call me overly stringent, but I think mastery of sneezing would entail both being able to stop a sneeze and being able to launch an explosive gob at will. I'm still waiting for the lesson on the later.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 7:07 AM
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It's about snot, (of which I currently have buckets).

You should probably go ahead and empty those out.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 7:08 AM
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1: I don't have time to watch it, but I have circumvented sneezes by holding my eyes open, so I call shenanigans.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 7:13 AM
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4: the placebo effect is very powerful indeed, as any devotee of a quack hiccup cure (like e.g. yours truly) will implicitly tell you.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 7:15 AM
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When your nose is cold and runny,
you make think it is funny.
But it is snot.


Posted by: Will | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 7:17 AM
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No, heebie is right, this really works - usually. I have my eyes open right now, and I'm not sneezing. The vast majority of time I have my eyes open are in non-sneezing periods, unless I have a cold or allergies.

Y'all just don't have heebie's mastery of statistics, or you'd understand.


Posted by: politicalfootball | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 7:20 AM
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Exactly. In fact, closing your eyes causes sneezing. I've heard.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 7:21 AM
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Ooh! I should have bandated that all cobbents id this thread be writteb as dough you hab a code.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 7:22 AM
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I'b a multible sdeezer. Always in multibles by sdeezes.


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 7:28 AM
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I'm a forceful sneezer. I'm pretty sure trying to suppress them would give me some sort of internal injury.


Posted by: gswift | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 7:29 AM
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Sneezing with your eyes open is all fun and games until your eyes pop out of your head and roll across the floor.


Posted by: Spike | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 7:31 AM
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Do I need to go idto the backedd of the site add edit elebeb add twelbe to get by poidt across?


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 7:34 AM
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I hate it when I'm actually getting something written and I have to sneeze. Usually, I think I can keep typing for a bit longer before I need to cover my mouth. Often this supposition is wrong.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 7:35 AM
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Maybe you should invest effort towards mastering the tissue, particularly the holding of one so that snot ends up in said cellulose sheet rather than in your hands. Works for me, YMMV.


Posted by: W. Breeze | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 7:36 AM
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Off to teach.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 7:39 AM
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Wow. I was thinking it would take longer before your knowledge of sneeze-lore got around enough for there to be actual classes.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 7:43 AM
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I was riding my bike t'other day, whilst snotty, and after the recent snot rocket conversation was really tempted to give that a whirl. I opted not to, in the end, fearing it would end in tears, and disliking the potential admixtures involved in that outcome.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 7:44 AM
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and after the recent snot rocket conversation was really tempted to give that a whirl

Hey, me too! And I did so, proclaimed it a "yankee hankie", laughed, and was then informed that I had boogers in my mustache. No, really.


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 7:54 AM
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The air hanky thing really seems to be a skill. Soccer players seem really good -- and precise! -- at it. Sort of like spitting at wine tastings. People actually judge you. You're standing there in some barn-type thing filled with barrels and someone with a giant pipette puts wine in your glass that you are supposed to spit on the dirt floor. The pros? Perfect laser-like soundless stream of wine. Oudemia sort of half barfs hers with a splat.

(My low-hanging fruit. Let me show you it.)


Posted by: oudemia | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 8:00 AM
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Since we're on a disgusting topic anyway, I'm gong to complain about the dead mouse that was under my furnace filter. Based on where he was, he pretty much had to get in through a cold-air return, which means he very likely scurried about the ceiling of my basement.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 8:07 AM
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Sorry to bore you more with stories of my daughter, but she generates huge, slimy boogers that I am duty-bound to grab from her nose with my hands or grab from her fingers as she presents them to me.


Posted by: Will | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 8:10 AM
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22: Does she wipe them on your pants? That's what my son did for a very long time. Also, if I wasn't around, the couch.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 8:12 AM
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22-3: Presumably you both tell your progeny, "You can't spell mucus without 'us'." How adorable.


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 8:20 AM
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20: you know what would rule? Combination wine tasting/comedy shows -- the kind with comedians who are actually funny, obviously -- so there'd be a third option: soundless stream of wine, splatty half-barf, or full-on spit take. Hi-larious!


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 8:25 AM
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I am suspicious of the keeping your eyes open to prevent a sneeze strategy, but only because I'm one of those light sensitive people prone to sneezing at a bright light - closing my eyes is what protects me!


Posted by: Parenthetical | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 8:43 AM
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You sneeze at bright lights? You unholy monster.


Posted by: Walt Someguy | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 9:09 AM
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Photic sneeze reflex/a>. A sign of vampirism.


Posted by: md 20/400 | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 9:13 AM
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Crap. Link


Posted by: md 20/400 | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 9:13 AM
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Crap link.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 9:19 AM
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On second though, 30 was a bad idea. Ignore.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 9:20 AM
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31: I think 30 was ignorable on its own merits.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 9:21 AM
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Huh, mine is much more mild than that Wiki link would suggest. I didn't realize it was a genetic trait.


Posted by: Parenthetical | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 9:23 AM
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I have it too. Driving into the morning sun can be a challenge. Sneezing on the highway at rush hour seems like a recipe for disaster (although I have avoided crashing). I only recently learned that my father has the same reflex. Genetic.


Posted by: md 20/400 | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 9:33 AM
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34: Do sunglasses help control the sneezing?


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 9:45 AM
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30: if you're going to go there, why limit yourself?


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 9:47 AM
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36: I just learned how to code a link and I wanted a test.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 9:48 AM
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36: Brings to mind the passage in Why Not Me where Al Franken has a bowel movement in the shape of a question mark, but can't interest anyone in admiring it with him. In the end:

Tried to save shit but question mark shape started to deteriorate by lunchtime.

Great on politics and potty humor; we need more like him in the Senate.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 9:53 AM
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Or alternatively: My interesting bowel movement, let me show it to you.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 9:55 AM
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Sunglasses do help. The ugly wrap arounds are best. When I wear contacts (rarely) I wear sunglasses. The problem is that I don't want to pay for prescription sunglasses. Anyway, most days I take the bus to work; so I have my sneezing fits at the bus stop. That is very entertaining.

Together with my being a night owl, this does make me wonder if blood tastes good.


Posted by: md 20/400 | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 9:57 AM
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There's really not that much difference between a bowel movement and an ice sculpture, when you get down to it.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 9:59 AM
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Somebody who had an involuntary bowel movement when exposed to bright sunlight would have real problems (or at least good reason to leave Pheonix).


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 9:59 AM
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43

"She's so haughty she craps out ice sculptures."


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 10:03 AM
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I will not click on 36. I will not click on 36. I will not click on--phew! Access Restricted. Thank, Big Brother!


Posted by: mcmc | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 10:03 AM
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45

The swan hurts, but not nearly so much as cupid.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 10:03 AM
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46

+s


Posted by: mcmc | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 10:04 AM
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47

The earlier snot thread appears to be lost in the hoohole, but in case you missed it, it started when heebie drank her snot.


Posted by: Jesus McQueen | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 10:11 AM
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47: I bet you are a good wine spitter, hmm, JMcQ?


Posted by: oudemia | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 10:31 AM
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48: I bet JMcQ totes swallows.


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 10:34 AM
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I thought it was the swallows that toted?


Posted by: md 20/400 | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 10:38 AM
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Speaking of Al Franken, I just got a news report saying that he's sponsoring a bill to take away the tax deduction for direct consumer marketing by pharmaceutical companies.


Posted by: Bostoniangirl | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 10:41 AM
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If you suffer from question mark shaped bowel movements, ask your doctor about crapular (turdizoidone decanoate).


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 10:43 AM
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I knew a girl in high school who could convert her sneezes into these little convulsive peeps. I thought it was really charming but, at the same time, worried about her a little.


Posted by: text | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 10:57 AM
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53: But, at Easter, Peeps are always appreciated.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 10:59 AM
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48: Much as it pains me to do it.


Posted by: Jesus McQueen | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 11:00 AM
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56

It's true, she was very popular in the spring, and at all times with the diabetic.


Posted by: text | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 11:01 AM
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57

Now that I've watched Sifu's video, I'd like to say that:
a. Placebo effect is not the only reason for the differences in our experiences. I have a half-baked theory that he and I have sufficiently different techniques for holding our eyes open that he's not really short-circuiting the urge. (See, his upper eye-lids do make their move. He holds the top and bottom of his whole eye so far apart that they can't bridge the gap. Whereas I literally kept my eyelids from moving.)

b. Even if it is, let's not sneeze at the placebo effect.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 11:33 AM
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57a sounds like some combination of painful and impossible.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 11:41 AM
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||

I'm going to a healthcare town hall this evening with my semi-annoying Congressman Ed Markey.

Are there any questions people would like me to ask? Comments to make. I think I'm going to say that I want a bill which allows people who have employer-provided coverage and don't like it to go into the exchange, i.e. what Wyden proposed.

Anything else?

|>


Posted by: Bostoniangirl | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 12:11 PM
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I'm surprised no one has told Heebie to try a neti pot yet.


Posted by: | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 12:14 PM
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60: I am, too. This is totally the cold for one.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 2:15 PM
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Also I'm very cold, but my heater keeps setting off the fire alarm, since this is the first time I've used it this fall.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 2:17 PM
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When the heater starts to smoke, cool it down with some neti pot expectorations.


Posted by: Cryptic ned | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 2:18 PM
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62: If you can get enough snot to back up into your ears, maybe you won't hear the fire alarm.


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 2:19 PM
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You're right. I'd better go get a chocolate bar from the vending machine.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 2:21 PM
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Ugh. I accidentally did the equivalent of neti potting while body surfing recently, and I can't imagine why people would do it on purpose.

Also, the David Foster Wallace story about a dude who can crap detailed figurines is weird, interesting, and completely DFW.


Posted by: F | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 2:22 PM
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I accidentally did the equivalent of neti potting while body surfing recently,

The full body equivalent of a neti pot is an enema, I believe.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 2:26 PM
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Oh, and I wish I'd called this post Tissue Issues.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 2:27 PM
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I really can't abide neti-potting -- I hate the feeling of things up my nose. I also hate the speeded-out feeling pseudofed gives, so mostly I just suffer. However the combined "hate stuff up my nose" + "hate feeling speedy" meant that I went home to bed at 2 when my friends stayed out dancing til dawn. Boring old me.


Posted by: oudemia | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 2:31 PM
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@67

That would have been some wave.

It's always a shock when salt water comes pouring out of your nose hours later.


Posted by: F | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 2:34 PM
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I also hate the speeded-out feeling pseudofed gives,

Me too. It makes me feel totally logy and pressurized.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 2:34 PM
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pseudofed

I love the more accurate spelling, but shouldn't it be pseudophed?


Posted by: F | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 2:36 PM
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72: Pseudoephed.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 2:41 PM
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Pseudoephedrin is the best abbreviation.


Posted by: Cryptic ned | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 2:43 PM
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Unless you're talking about 2PM, oudemia, then that's way more hip than me. I stayed up until 11:15 last night, which meant that I didn't fall asleep until 12:30. Should have gone to bed at 10.

With a cold, I could totally see myself going home at 2 in the afternoon, though.

I thought that I was getting sick yesterday morning, so I'm pounding the Cold-fx.


Posted by: Bostoniangirl | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 2:45 PM
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76

But there are lots of other perfectly nice abbrevations, like mgmt and h.g.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 2:46 PM
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77

Or sudophed (if you want to retain only letters in the original)?


Posted by: F | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 2:48 PM
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76: Those are some totes nice breves, heebs.


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 2:52 PM
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Thanks! I get them wholesale.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 2:56 PM
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75: Haha. No, I was speaking historically. My, uh, nasal preferences made me unlikely to stay up as late as any of my friends.


Posted by: oudemia | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 2:58 PM
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That would have been some wave.

Sand is not recommended for enemas.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 3:03 PM
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Snot rocket update: I went for a ride today and actually tried it. The first two times (once on each side) it was wildly successful, and extremely satisfying to watch the big wodge of snot splat on the pavement behind me. The third time it was somewhat less successful, but let's not talk about that.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 3:07 PM
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80: oh man you've never seen snot until you've seen the snot produced by people with... certain... nasal preferences. So disgusting.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 3:07 PM
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I knew a girl in high school who could convert her sneezes into these little convulsive peeps. I thought it was really charming but, at the same time, worried about her a little.

I do this! I would wonder if your girl in high school was me, except I think you are a skosh older than I am. Or younger, possibly.

You sort of lift your tongue in your mouth in such a way as to tighten your throat and sneeze through your mouth in a tiny controlled exhalation. Very little air is exhaled through the nose, and hence the mucus remains in the nasal passages as god intended.

For everything else, there's loratidine.


Posted by: winna | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 3:29 PM
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My own quest for sneezing mastery led to a skill for turning sneezes into coughs midstream. It doesn't stop the sneeze, makes a lot of noise, and sometimes hurts my throat, but at least everybody stays dry. As a result, I rarely carry kleenex even when I have a cold, but every once in a while I'll get caught by surprise and blow a wet one, and then I'm totally unprepared to cope. Also, now everybody says "bless you" when I'm really just coughing.


Posted by: piminnowcheez | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 3:42 PM
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84: I thought you might be British from some of your comments, which definitely I'm not. You're probably younger than the girl I knew; I'm turning into one of the oldsters around here. As a clue, uh, during my high school days, much flannel was worn.


Posted by: text | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 3:51 PM
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We are about the same age, then! And alack, I am not British, but Appalachian.

This is not a thing I can disguise save on the internets.


Posted by: winna | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 3:52 PM
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well then I think you were definitely the sneezy girl from my past. reunited. glad to see the sneeze technique hasn't caused an aneurysm (or sorry if it has).


Posted by: text | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 4:06 PM
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89

If it has, I haven't noticed, so all is well!


Posted by: winna | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 4:11 PM
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I've found that if I massage the sides of my nose can usually get rid of the urge to sneeze. It puts pressure on some kind of sinus-type thing, I think. (Never studied anatomy.) I've also discovered that five or so days of meditation can give one the power to merely observe the pre-sneeze tickles without sneezing, but this technique isn't very practical for everyday life.

I kind of enjoy sneezing in most circumstances, though. In sex ed we watched a video of people trying to describe what an orgasm felt like, and many descriptions referenced sneezes.


Posted by: Bave Dee | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 4:16 PM
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90.last: You could even try one yourself and see. Get back to us with a report when you do.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 4:19 PM
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92

I did try it the other day! Similar in some respects, it's true.


Posted by: Bave Dee | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 4:33 PM
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93

Silly kids. Just get a horse's feeding bag and line it with a plastic bag. Sneezing and storage problems are solved and it's also a conversation piece for the socially awkward amongst y'all.


Posted by: Biohazard | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 4:39 PM
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I love sneezing! The shot of oxygen you get is invigorating. Best of course is when you're not actually sick and snot is minimal.


Posted by: redfoxtailshrub | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 4:44 PM
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I did try it the other day! Similar in some respects, it's true.

Wait, what? You "tried" sneezing? You sneezed while fucking? You carefully compared the experiences of sneezing and orgasming in some sort of double-blind experiment the design of which I cannot begin to even conceive?


Posted by: JRoth | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 4:48 PM
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It was a lot messier than sneezing, though.


Posted by: Bave Dee | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 4:48 PM
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96: That's why you're supposed to do it into your elbow.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 4:51 PM
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I once dated a girl who did the compulsive little peeps thing. It was simultaneously cute and disturbing.


Posted by: Walt Someguy | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 5:00 PM
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re 53 et seq. whenever I've known a girl who did that I've always been beset by uncomfortable visions of the back of her head blowing off.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 5:14 PM
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Sand is not recommended for enemas.

OTOH, a slurry of sand and water makes pretty decent emergency toilet paper.

This has been Installment 79 of Things You Learn When Your Kid Gets Stupid.


Posted by: Not Prince Hamlet | Link to this comment | 10-12-09 9:13 PM
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Heebie,
I tried the eyes open trick and it works to stop my sneezes!!! Thank you so much for this information. I really hate sneezing, so this will improve my quality of life.

Has anyone had the experience where blowing your nose causes you to sneeze? I have this problem and it's a vicious cycle.


Posted by: Elizabeth | Link to this comment | 10-13-09 9:10 AM
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