Re: Consequences.

1

And then you found five dollars?

I bought a car today.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 07-15-10 9:43 PM
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I still lie about smoking. I'm definitively a bad person, I guess.


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 07-15-10 9:44 PM
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1: What kind of car? I need to buy one of those and stop mooching my dad's old one (though I feel less bad about it, since I just paid for half of the new fuel pump).


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 07-15-10 9:46 PM
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Man I wish we could buy a car. We got put in touch with this guy? Who goes to auctions? Who our cheapskate Greek family friend gets all his cars from? And he can totally get us a deal? Except the guy is a total flake, and never calls us back, and when I call him he's like "oh yah! Next week! You just hang on. I'll get you a great car."

Moral of the story: immigration hurts everybody.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 07-15-10 9:47 PM
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A Kia Forte. One of these, specifically: http://bit.ly/b085fm


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 07-15-10 9:48 PM
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I want to be more sympathetic to Kias, but their local dealer airs this commercial to the tune of "La Bamba" which goes "YOU SHOULD BE DRIVING A KIA!" (in place of "Para bailar La Bamba").

Ack, melty earworm.


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 07-15-10 10:03 PM
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This is surprisingly well done.


Posted by: nosflow | Link to this comment | 07-15-10 10:21 PM
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I bought a car for the first time ever a year ago last spring. The whole process made me feel dirty and ashamed, but it was totally worth it.


Posted by: Mary Catherine | Link to this comment | 07-15-10 10:38 PM
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Are you serious when you say that you feel bad about lying about smoking? It reminds me of that thread from my lurker days where Ogged claimed that the worst thing he ever did was feel bad about killing a fly.


Posted by: Robert Halford | Link to this comment | 07-15-10 10:56 PM
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Stanley is very earnest. He also looks forward to paying taxes.


Posted by: nosflow | Link to this comment | 07-15-10 10:57 PM
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10: It's true. I share myself with all of you, in the hopes that Walt Someguy will find the courage to return to mocking me.


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 07-15-10 11:00 PM
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And a drummer, too. What the fuck happened to rock and roll?


Posted by: Robert Halford | Link to this comment | 07-15-10 11:02 PM
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9: I thought ogged's story was about a caterpillar. Maybe you have him confused with Norman Bates.


Posted by: fake accent | Link to this comment | 07-15-10 11:55 PM
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Stanley's ambition is to be the drummer in Stryper.


Posted by: Martin Wisse | Link to this comment | 07-15-10 11:58 PM
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Do not go to band camp! - you might not need your smoke so much. Also, in my view, to lie is really an integral part of the experience of smoking.


Posted by: Earnest O'Nest | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 12:11 AM
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I lie to myself about smoking. (It makes me feel closer to Laura Bush.)


Posted by: Bave Dee | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 12:26 AM
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Lie about 'em if you've got 'em.


Posted by: fake accent | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 12:29 AM
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Does Laura Bush smoke? I'm confused by 16, Bave.


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 12:32 AM
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Never, Stanley. Unless you cut me in on this constant stream of 5 dollars you keep "finding". It's got to be the slowest method of laundering money I've ever heard of.


Posted by: Walt Someguy | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 12:32 AM
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19: It used to be worse, when I had to take payment only in Bangkok. Those were baht times.


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 12:42 AM
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21

One time, my junior class took a field trip. We were in two vans, one of which was borrowed from my parents. I was riding in this van and it was driven by the football coach. A friend of mine asked if we could dip (tobacco) on the trip. The coach said, "If it is O.K. with Moby," because the main issue he saw was with the upholstery, not health or the strict rules against tobacco on school functions. When I said it was fine, the coach had his dip in before anybody else. If anybody had to lie to anybody, it was the football coach.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 7:18 AM
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20: How long have you been waiting to slip that one into a thread?


Posted by: Sir Kraab | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 7:57 AM
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Coincidentally, I was just reading this Gail Collins column about, in part, Bristol Palin at a fictional band camp.

This week, [Bristol] made her acting debut on the series "The Secret Life of the American Teenager," where she had been cast in the role of an unmarried teen mom named Bristol.
* * *
Amy [the main character] plays the French horn -- this comes up quite a bit -- and she had actually gone off to a camp for young musicians in New York City in hopes of furthering her ambition to get into Juilliard. It was possibly the coolest music camp in the history of band instruments, since every camper got her own personal apartment in Manhattan. Then Bristol appeared at Amy's door to offer to show her how the subway works and let her in on the camp's secret theme: "We're all teen moms. And musicians."

Posted by: Sir Kraab | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 8:02 AM
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to offer to show her how the subway works

You can pee on those two rails where the train's wheels run. Don't pee on the other rail.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 8:07 AM
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We're all subway pee-ers. And musicians.


Posted by: Sir Kraab | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 8:09 AM
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2: Pretending not to be a smoker can be done with a certain flair, like Margot Tenenbaum. Or Bave.


Posted by: Mister Smearcase | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 8:23 AM
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Not even hip hop and animated rats can make the Kia Soul a cool car. Also, that commercial is a string of false dichotomies.


Posted by: qb | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 8:52 AM
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We're all animated rats. And false dichotomies.


Posted by: Sir Kraab | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 9:14 AM
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Dot com.


Posted by: Sir Kraab | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 9:14 AM
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This is surprisingly well done.

On a related note: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e7PD4f5uTOU


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 9:22 AM
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30: I'll confess to really liking the "I'm on a horse" one with Isiah Mustafa.


Posted by: rob helpy-chalk | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 9:48 AM
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||
I am right now reading a story/article that appeared in the NYer in the 40s about a dear friend's grandparents, mother, and uncle. It was made into a movie. Jimmy Stewart played his grandfather. So weird.
|>


Posted by: oudemia | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 9:56 AM
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18: Laura Bush is totes a seekrit smoker. This is well known, no?


Posted by: Bave | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 10:26 AM
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33: Barry, too.


Posted by: oudemia | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 10:27 AM
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31: I haven't met anybody who doesn't. Somewhere, an advertising executive is depositing an enormous bonus check.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 10:29 AM
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Somewhere, an advertising executive is depositing an enormous bonus check.

I'm sure he is (it must be a he, right?). But have any of the people you met actually started buying Old Spice?


Posted by: Mr. Blandings | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 10:49 AM
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I've never stopped buying Old Spice (the underarm stuff). Is it coming back now?


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 10:51 AM
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36: My roommate uses their "After Hours" shower gel, and he's probably in the target demographic (24-year-old single male, laydeez). Personally, I remain unconvinced that people need something called "shower gel", because Zest makes perfectly good bars of soap.


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 10:53 AM
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Is Zest technically "soap" or it is a "bath bar" or whatever?


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 10:55 AM
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I buy Old Spice antiperspirant when I run out and it's the brand on sale at Kroger that week, but I am wholly unloyal about such things.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 10:59 AM
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I'm sure he is (it must be a he, right?).

Two he's from a Portland OR based firm. They've been popping up recently a lot in media outlets I favor. I think I last heard them on Marketplace.


Posted by: rob helpy-chalk | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 10:59 AM
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I remain unconvinced that people need something called "shower gel"

Me too. Five times as expensive and in a non-biodegradable bottle.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 11:00 AM
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39: Does it matter? All I know is that I'm not fully clean, unless I'm Zestfully clean.


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 11:01 AM
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I'm with Moby (baby). I have never stopped using Old Spice deodorant. Also not in the target demographic.


Posted by: Tasseled Loafered Leech | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 11:02 AM
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Five times as expensive and in a non-biodegradable bottle.

Can you put liquid soap in a biodegradable bottle? The point of soap is to wash away the kind of oils that would be needed to make something biodegradable, no?

Anyway, we still use liquid soap on the boy because we still need the "no more tears" action, but other than that, I wouldn't use anything like a shower gel.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 11:06 AM
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I think of Zest as "unpleasant rash in bar form," or perhaps as a body bar with rash soap.


Posted by: Jimmy Pongo | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 11:07 AM
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I never liked that "Zest-Fully Clean" campaign, because it made me think of Zesta saltines, which are too gross to even contemplate in the context of showering.


Posted by: Natilo Paennim | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 11:12 AM
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46: No, that's Lava. We grew up with Zest in the normal bathroom and Lava in the basement sink, where you clean up from tasks such as fixing the sump pump and touching motor oil. Come to think of it, maybe my parents just had some sort of green-bar-soap fetish, and I was a helpless victim.


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 11:12 AM
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I gave up Old Spice deodorant years ago for hippie deodorant (Nature's Gate), which smells better and is presumably rash/cancer-free, but which works ... not as well.


Posted by: Jimmy Pongo | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 11:30 AM
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I've always been brand loyal to Old Spice underarm deodorant -- possibly the only personal hygiene product I have a strong brand preference for.

And how did the bastards repay my loyalty? By phasing out my favorite scent! There's still a scent called "fresh scent", and there's still one called "original round stick formula". But the delightful aroma of round stick fresh scent? The one that made my high school girlfriend stash my unwashed t-shirt under her pillow? The one I stocked up on during infrequent visits to the U.S. during the decade I lived overseas? Put out of its misery, without so much as a beg your pardon.

Obviously I'm not part of their target demographic. Now I know how heebie feels about United Airlines.


Posted by: KR | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 11:32 AM
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We're all ... false dichotomies.

Especially the scofflaw nicotine addict who wrote 2.


Posted by: KR | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 11:41 AM
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I happen to really like the scent of Old Spice. It's comforting.

One of my guy friends revealed that since Old Spice renamed their scents, he's wearing the same old thing but it's now called, "Swagger." I love, love, love making fun of this.


Posted by: Parenthetical | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 11:43 AM
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Wasn't Zest the soap that used to claim "it actually brings you back to life"? Talk about overpromising.


Posted by: KR | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 11:45 AM
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it's now called, "Swagger."

Mine was renamed "Almost due for annual prostate screening".


Posted by: KR | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 11:48 AM
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annual prostate screening

KR is eagerly awaiting his appointment.


Posted by: Tasseled Loafered Leech | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 11:51 AM
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If you bring flowers, the doctor will get squicked out.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 11:52 AM
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And how did the bastards repay my loyalty? By phasing out my favorite scent!

I used Degree's Shower Clean for a long time, and then they decided to switch from one product line to separate, dedicated Men's and Women's lines. Turns out Shower Clean landed over on the Women's side of the line, which, hey, whatever, I'll wear women's deo. But they definitely changed the formula, and the Women's version is more baby-powdery, which is a smell I hates hates hates.


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 11:53 AM
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is more baby-powdery,

I hate the smell of baby powder. For some reason nearly all deodorants for women carry a whiff of it - drives me insane. Maybe I should just switch over to Swagger.


Posted by: Parenthetical | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 11:59 AM
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58: Me too! Try Dove "Smooth Cashmere" -- it's sort of a creamy woods smell.


Posted by: oudemia | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 12:02 PM
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60

I don't even have a deodorant.


Posted by: Jesus McQueen | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 12:06 PM
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I hate anything that smells at all.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 12:07 PM
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Like armpits?


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 12:08 PM
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61: Dinner must be boring.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 12:08 PM
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Flowers? Food? Newborn babies? You're a monster, LB.


Posted by: Jesus McQueen | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 12:08 PM
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I hate anything that smells at all.

Huh. How do you go about receiving scents then?


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 12:14 PM
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Scented body products. Actually, I don't mind some perfume, but perfumy smelling deodorant goes in the box with scented candles and flavored coffee, all of which make me want to flee.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 12:23 PM
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66: Yes, flavored coffee is dreck. But, to cross-post momentarily at Stanpipe's other blog, 65 was trying to riff on the Mitch Hedberg (PBUH) bit:

"I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other way to take it in. 'You're not special. That's how I receive it too... I tried to taste it, but it did not work.'"


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 12:28 PM
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59: Thanks for the rec. I like Dove deodorant so I'll have to try that one out next time I cycle back to Dove. (Does anyone else have the problem where one brand of deodorant seems to get less effective with use, so you have to switch to a new one? Is it just a case of being habituated to the scent? And if so, why don't I habituate to my own stink?)


Posted by: Parenthetical | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 12:44 PM
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To the OP: Smoking cigarettes?


Posted by: KR | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 2:39 PM
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To the OP: Smoking cigarettes? Pikers!


Posted by: KR | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 2:40 PM
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My dad always used the solid Old Spice deodorant, and would entertain us by reading out the instructions: "Remove cap and push up bottom".


Posted by: asilon | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 4:07 PM
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70: Regular, not wacky, tobacky. You had to go on one of to the Drama Club trips to NYC to get booze and drugs on a HS outing.


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 4:09 PM
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I don't know off-hand what deodorant I use, but it's the same brand that was in a free packet of sample stuff I was given when I registered for classes one year in college. I don't remember what the other stuff was; I already was used to various brands for those thing, so the samples didn't change my behavior.


Posted by: fake accent | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 7:14 PM
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Old Spice, huh? I'm not familiar with it. I'm a Mennon Speed Stick gal myself, original formula (I think) -- the solid deodorant, not the antiperspirant. This is solely because I met a man once, who .. well, I liked the scent, it turned out.

Back in the day, one eschewed deodorants and such, but times change, and one is no longer so pure.


Posted by: parsimon | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 7:32 PM
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Apparently, I use Speed Stick (I just looked). I don't see "Mennon" written prominently on the label, but maybe the men's and women's versions are slightly differently named. I've never been committed to a particular version of the scent, though I try to avoid the one that tends to flake off.


Posted by: fake accent | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 7:37 PM
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No, it's just Speed Stick (I went to look as well). I think it used to be Mennon Speed Stick, and/or maybe the generic version gets away with calling itself just Speed Stick. Same green and white color scheme, anyway. The original formula (scent) is the only one that will do.

Women's version? I think I use the men's version. Women's versions tend to smell more powdery, which is not desirable.


Posted by: parsimon | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 7:48 PM
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Mennon Speed Stick (google).

I use the Old Spice Red Zone stuff because, well, it looked good enough to begin with and it works well. And it isn't pale white. I used to use some kind of body wash or hair shampoo or whatever, but once I started shaving my head I just went to Irish Spring all over which works well enough.

max
['Supergrass.']


Posted by: max | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 7:53 PM
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Hmm, Today, the name Mennen is being phased out in some regions and products in many countries are becoming known simply as Speed Stick or Lady Speed Stick By Mennen.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 7:57 PM
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I don't really like Irish Spring very much. It was my dad's favorite, so we had it around a lot, and it was just ... very pungent. I have similar questions about Zest.

Does Ivory soap not work for people as a basic shower aid, or what? If you're going to go into special soaps -- and that is fine, I do it -- I wouldn't go in the more detergent-y direction, but rather in the more moisturizing (Dove, cocoa butter, etc.) direction.


Posted by: parsimon | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 8:01 PM
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Does Ivory soap not work for people as a basic shower aid, or what?

Never had any to try. I suppose I could in fact change to that. I am about of of Irish Spring at this point anyways. I tried that anyways because, well, it wasn't Lava.

max
['Maybe I will try it.']


Posted by: max | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 8:17 PM
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I use Dove soap "Beauty Bar"s or whatever they're called. (Ladeez.) I don't like Irish Spring or Zest, and Ivory is fine except it gets all crumbling when the bar is thin, while the Dove bar keeps its integrity well enough to be merged easily with the next bar. (I can't be the only one who does that, can I?) I've used the Dr. Bronner's bar soap too. It's fine, but I wouldn't use it regularly because of the scent. Also, the weirdness.


Posted by: fake accent | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 8:32 PM
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I had a roommate who used special soaps of the pine needles or twigs or something-mixed-in variety. He had an extra bar that he gave me. It was very scratchy.


Posted by: fake accent | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 8:34 PM
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You may find that it doesn't lather as much as you're used to. But does it still clean, and rinse clean without leaving that trace? That is the question.


Posted by: parsimon | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 8:34 PM
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Irish Spring is like 50% perfume. Vile stuff. I'm definitely more of an Ivory sort of bather (Jergen's bar soap was pretty good, but it became hard to find).


Posted by: Nathan Williams | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 8:38 PM
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I just rub myself with grass.


Posted by: nosflow | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 8:38 PM
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I use the Yardley soaps, mostly Oatmeal, sometimes Lavender. They work fine, it's what I grew up with and so I see no reason to change.


Posted by: teraz kurwa my | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 8:39 PM
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I like Pears, but I'm not loyal.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 8:41 PM
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Apparently Pears tried a new recipe and scent last fall, but being the New Coke of soaps, it was rejected by the public. I think the Pears I have here is from longer ago than that.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 8:45 PM
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83 to 80.

I've used those scratchy-bar soaps. They're okay. I respect most soaps except for the detergent-y ones. The current thing I have is quite nice, kind of a mix between moisturizing bar and lathery soap, but I'm damned if I know what it is now, and it's down to a sliver, yet retains its integrity!


Posted by: parsimon | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 8:45 PM
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I just checked the hall closet for available soaps, and it looks like next up is either one "CLEAR body bar" (I think this is from a hotel), or a sort of double-sized bar of "Cinnamon Cannelle, Vegetal Soap, Handmade in Italy" (that's a Christmas gift). That smells quite strong.

Dilemma.


Posted by: parsimon | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 9:03 PM
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Just rub yourself with grass.


Posted by: nosflow | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 9:06 PM
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Cinnamon Cannelle, Vegetal Soap, Handmade in Italy

Not to mention Or perhaps Cinnamon Zimt Canella.


Posted by: teraz kurwa my | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 9:12 PM
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That giganto smelly cinnamon thing frightens me.


Posted by: parsimon | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 9:14 PM
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Toss it, then.


Posted by: nosflow | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 9:16 PM
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Well, it makes the hall closet smell nice. And I might need soap one of these days. Possibly I could re-gift it! It still has a ribbon on it.


Posted by: parsimon | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 9:19 PM
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I am definitely not loyal to any one soap, it being something that I consume very little of - dries out the skin way too much. But I really love the Yardley scents, and many other very fancy soaps. Too bad they mostly just sit under the sink, making it smell lovely in the cabinet.


Posted by: Parenthetical | Link to this comment | 07-16-10 9:33 PM
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