1: I take it that's related to the dream?
Never wear blue shoes with a brown suit.
If you have a strange Unfogged-based dream, you have to tell about it at Unfogged, so the Unfoggetariat can offer interpretations.
Don't play poker with anyone who's first name is also the name of a city.
"You might get something, but there ain't no free."
"Don't ask the barber whether you need a haircut."
Keep your toothbrush in your knapsack and volunteer for fuck all.
If my mother takes an Ambien for any more than a couple of days in a row, she gets woken up by terrible nightmares. From an IM she sent me this morning:
i didn't take and ambien last night and people were being thrown down the steps outside my bedroom and killed - the last to go was Milton Berle then I woke up
You don't tug on superman's cape
You don't spit into the wind
You don't pull the mask of the ol' lone ranger
And you don't mess around with Jim.
On your next acid trip, remember: cars are real.
Never trust Whitey.
Huperzine A gives me unusually vivid dreams.
"Always wear clean underwear in case you're in a car wreck."
"Never arrange to meet anyone anyplace but in a bar. That way, if they're late, you're already in a bar."
-My dad
"You only get ahead once in the human race, so try not to lose it."
"Read the review; it's often better than the book."
"You're going to want to wait until the last possible second, but DON'T wait too long or--AAAGGHHH!"
16. Funny, I heard that from this guy. Did he know your dad?
"Room temperature is about 1/40th of an eV"
18: I once said this to someone, who, unbeknownst to me, was in fact the author of the book in question.
When in Rome, few are chosen. Six of one are another man's treasure.
When you think a relationship is getting serious, meet his parents. Often things skip a generation.
- my dad
Not quite advice, per se, but a friend once remarked that "[i]t's probably not a good idea to take advice from television critics." I think of that whenever Bill Simmons or some blogger flies into a jeremianiacal rage about LeBron or Glee or whatnot.
20: Might have been common wisdom in that generation?
"Don't have sex with your mom."
26: My mother was always, "Make sure you meet her mother." But I think it was based on the theory that many things *don't* skip a generation.
"This, too, shall pass."
Also, my dad has taken to quoting Lord Balfour: "Nothing matters very much, and most things don't matter at all."
30: Give it a rest, Sigmund. We get it.
Clean windows from the top down.
Similar to, "In a parade, always put the horses/elephants at the end."
One piece of advice it took my kids a while to internalize: walk into the bathroom first, then pull your pants down.
M-dash will be at this phase soon enough, I bet.
36: TMI but Mara pooped in the toilet at last for the first time today! It's a big old celebration here, though I'm still sort of reeling from yesterday's poop episode.
If you meet the Buddha by the side of the road, kill him.
38: Woohoo, Mara! At her age, I bet it goes pretty fast.
The thread ties together early:
"I'm having bad dreams, and I poop a lot."
I still have fond memories of the dream in which I found myself in an alternate universe and pulled up Unfogged. There was a slew of different front-page posters and, at the bottom, "© The Washington Post Company."
"Use VCR fittings where ordinary Swagelok are not appropriate. Be sure to get the kind with the gasket-holder."
32: The opposite advice seems equally true: "Everything matters, but not much." (This came down to me as the dying words of my wife's uncle. He may have been quoting somebody, but I don't know who.)
"When in Mt Lebanon, use the abundant free wifi."
"Measure twice, cut once."
"I'm with stupid."
"Honk if you're horny."
Everything is a poison and everything is a medicine. The only question is the dose.
Wait, no one's said: Buy low, sell high, yet?
"Eighty percent of success is showing up."
Just because you can exclude the curly braces if the content of your for loop is a single line, doesn't mean you should.
Even if someone seems totally conscious and aware, they may already be blacking out and no longer forming long term memories.
Don't sit on a boy's lap at a party, because he could have sex with you.
"Be fair: everybody wants 'Mr. Toad's wild ride'"
Moderation in all things; even excess, in moderation.
"When you're married, you'll understand the importance of fresh produce."
48: Yes, although it seems that the original quote was only about the "poison" side. I like my version better.
56: I knew somebody like that -- quite disconcerting!
"Team speed, for Christ's Sake, you get fuckin' goddamn little fleas on the fuckin' bases getting picked off trying to steal, getting thrown out, taking runs away from you. You get them big cocksuckers who can hit the fuckin' ball out of the ballpark and you can't make any goddamn mistakes."
"Don't whiz on the electric fence."
"No matter where you go, there you are."
"Rest is a weapon. Never forget it."
"Call no man happy who is not dead."
"If it's yellow, let it mellow. If it's brown, flush it down."
"Nobody knows you if you're down and out."
I have to say, "never got into a land war in asia" is a pretty good answer. It has that quality of seeming almost applicable to a lot of situations.
Always keep an edge on your knife
Because a good sharp edge is a man's best hedge
Against the vague uncertainties of life.
From the same song, "never sell the old .22", "always tip the glass when you pour", and "always thaw the bit when it's cold."
"It is difficult to get a man to understand something, when his salary depends upon his not understanding it!"
Searching for 81 got me to look up Glabraith quotes and gosh he was a quotable fellow.
Most of those are not phrased as advice, but it's never bad to be reminded that:
"If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error. "
or
"In economics, hope and faith coexist with great scientific pretension and also a deep desire for respectability. "
or
"Few can believe that suffering, especially by others, is in vain. Anything that is disagreeable must surely have beneficial economic effects. "
"Treat your profs like they're idiots, coast by doing as little as humanly possible, roll your eyes constantly, don't be caught giving a shit."
An onion a day keeps the doctor away!
"Go to the ant, O sluggard, and consider her ways, and learn wisdom." (Lots more where that came from.)
a list of random pearls of wisdom (and I'm not sure, but I think the less likely to be immediately applicable the better) seems a task uniquely suited to the talents of the Unfoggedtariat.
Back when I was in high school, friends and I had a disorganized business making and selling buttons, and one of the assets of the business was a file of semi-clever things that you could put on a button, referred to as the 'Pith List.' I kind of wish I still had a copy -- it started with every button/T-shirt slogan we'd ever seen, and then whenever someone asked for a button saying something that wasn't on the list, we added it. Got to be a fairly impressive length by the time we shut down.
Don't worry: they'll give internet access to practically anyone!
"Never pick a fight with someone you don't know, they might be crazier than you are".
(R.A.H.?)
89: Robert Anson Heinlein. I think I read it in a short collection in one of the SF mags way back when.
Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty, but the pig enjoys it.
Sometimes small stuff should be sweated.
If you're considering ducking shit you've already made some bad decisions.
Stop masturbating to Rosie the Riveter.
Surprised it's taken this long for R.A.H. to come up -- he is so full of advice. My pick, via the Professor in The Moon Is A Harsh Mistress: "When faced with a complex problem you don't understand, first solve any part of if you do understand. Then go back and look at the whole problem again."
(Quoting from memory before the thread moves on -- can't find the text)
Amateurs discuss tactics, professionals discuss logistics.
"The way up and the way down are one and the same."
100: I know that one as a three-parter: "Dilettantes discuss strategy, amateurs discuss tactics, professionals discuss logistics."
Virtue is never solitary; it always has neighbors.
"The gods will lift those who lift each other."
"Heaven and Earth are not benevolent. They treat the myriad creatures as straw dogs."
Every human being, everywhere, is repugnant and horribly evil.
Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood.
107: My dad used to say basically that. He'd say "People are no damn good" in a way that made it clear he was including himself and everyone in the family.
Shave the whole top of thy crown clean, once at least every four of five days, but oftener if convenient; lest in taking off thy wig before her, through absence of mind, she should be able to discover how much has been cut away by Time -- how much by Trim.
"Don't stick your dick in the crazy."
Redhead at night, sailor's delight.
Whenever God closes a door, he locks it.
If it is that kind of a party, do stick your dick in the mashed potatoes.
Another morning, another egg. The sky was up early. It had rained all night: to you and me sleeping, the storm was a delight. In the east, morning clouds are building a kingdom of red and silver. Time for you to get up! Come into the kingdom of morning delight and come as king! Come into the omelet of morning delight, and come as egg!
Many are called but few are home.
Man proposes, but God is busy.
Red sky at night, enjoy the sunset.
Red skies at night, oh oh oh oh-oh-oh oh-oh.
A handful of poetic regrets, if adroitly placed, are as becoming to a woman as gossamer hair in the moonlight.
||
I was out dancing the other night and they played a Kate Bush song and I thought 'dang, why do I only have one Kate Bush album?' so the next day I picked up a couple more on iTunes, and now god damn it I have endless Kate Bush earworms.
That's why I only had one Kate Bush album.
|>
"Never pet a burning dog."
Never look a gift horse before the cart.
Do wheeze the juice! Ha. You guys: the best!
Not all that glitters is good for a gander.
Exterminate all rational thought.
The truth is out there! Trust no one. Deny everything. Sure, fine, whatever.
Yawnoc, I got the reference in 46, even if the rest of these ignorant savages didn't.
Neither a penny saved nor a penny earned be.
"Wherever possible, put people on hold."
"Strive at all times to bend, fold, spindle and mutilate."
a very strange Unfogged-based dream last night
I thought jackmormon turned up in my dream but upon reflection decided it was another friend whose blog post I read shortly before retiring and who looks similar.
24: Don't watch that. Watch this.
Neither a borrower nor a lender be,
Do not forget, stay out of debt.
Think twice, and take this good advice from me,
Guard that old solvency.
There's just one other thing you ought to do:
To thine own self be true.
Somewhat related to 88: Never get into a fight with an old man. If he can't beat you, he'll just kill you.
A stitch in time flies like an Arrow's Impossibility Theorem.
Don't pee on my leg and tell me you love me.
Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.
100, 102: there is a fourth part. "Experts discuss personnel policy."
When called by a panther, don't anther.
If you see a panther crouch, prepare to say "ouch."
113: Redhead at morning, watch out gingers are crazy.
"Last of all I insisted on a lead box of biscuits - and Willie cried out with laughter. 'They are ship's biscuits - what should we need those for?' 'Insurance, my lad.' says I. 'Take 'em along, and it's odds you'll never need them. Leave 'em behind, and as sure as shooting you'll finish up living off blood-stained snow and dead mules.' "
"don't put a splinter in someones eye when you have a plank in your own"
Never trust a man in a blue trench coat; never drive a car when you're dead.
"You can never have too many hats, gloves, and shoes."'
The soundest advice I ever heard was from the doctor who sometimes appears on the Savage Love podcast - never eat poop.
"Play dead for a black bear, but charge a grizzly." Or is it the other way around?
148: I have been told that charging a grizzly bear would be a mistake.
You can't re-built the same chicken twice. That's probably not even his liver and heart in the plastic bag.
151: Missing the easy Diner's Club joke? Alternatively, consider the slightly recondite Telly-Savalas-for-the-Player's-Club joke?
"If you strike a king, you must bruise him slightly and go about your business."
153: "Be chary of old people who make references you barely understand."
The lizard people are everywhere. Protect your thoughts.
Convincing, if circumstantial, evidence of divine mercy.
158: I had a theory of Michael Chabon that he wanted so badly to be F. Scott Fitzgerald that he decided to marry someone as crazy as Zelda.
I've since repudiated this theory, but I guess it's still good enough for an Unfogged comment.
I vaguely remember "The Player's Club" commercials, but am not familiar with the "Diner's Club".
Diner's Club was the original credit card.
Or charge card. I think you had to pay in full each month.
Lizard @86: ...referred to as the 'Pith List.' I kind of
wish I still had a copy -- it started with every button/T-shirt slogan we'd ever seen, and then whenever
someone asked for a button saying something that wasn't on the list, we added it.
Business plan for 2011: Recover and repurpose your pith list as tweets, then merchandise the corpora as a book.
164: Perfect dates for each other.
"The trouble is that we have a bad habit, encouraged by pedants and sophisticates, of considering happiness as something rather stupid."
(To properly be advice, I suppose, one would have to add, "Don't do that.")
"The day is short, and the task is great . . . . It is not for thee to finish the work, nor art thou free to desist therefrom."
~Rabbi Tarfon (Pirkei Avot)
108: Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood.
Satchel Paige if I recall correctly. So also, "Don't look back, something might be gaining on you."
vita brevis
Me too, but I'm trying to publish more.
164: You can't win, you can't break even, you can't get out of the game.
Live fast, die young and leave a buttload of debt.
The higher the monkey climbs, the more he exposes.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, take my advice
Take off your pants and slide on the ice"
Take off your pants and slide on the ice"
Citizens, pull your pants up! And cyborgs, pull your pants down!
"Makin sex is like Chinese dinner. It ain't over til you both get yer cookies."
181: I love Alec Baldwin in that movie.
||
I've thrown like 60 goddamn dwarves at this Forgotten Beast and it refuses to die. "A towering quadruped composed of sterling silver. It has two short tails and it undulates rhythmically. Beware its hunger for warm blood!"
We've cut off all four of its feet and dented and fractured almost every other part of its body.
Some day I have to actually start training soldiers instead of drafting civilian dwarves.
|>
183.3: What, other miner or forger, do your civilian dwarves do? Herb-a-life?
180: Gravity pulls the trousers down, morality pulls the trousers up.
182: It was also a surprisingly good movie, if you ask me.
First approximation: miners, masons, woodcutters, carpenters, hunters, smiths, jewelers, craftsdwarves, fisherdwarves, farmers, brewers, cooks, engineers. There are variants within each of those categories; about 70 specific jobs in total.
187: Do you have to do their tax returns or is there an account class?
190: I am somewhat surprised that there isn't just such a thing in WOW.
I saw on TV that WoW just expanded. Maybe they'll have dwarf-CPA.
Adamantium Audit & Mithril Manager coming this Summer!
I want to comment as pauly shore sometimes, and my gut tells me this doesn't violate the holy of holies no sock-puppeting rule. am I right, or just amazingly right?
194: On the internet, nobody knows you're Pauly Shore.
The real Pauly Shore is sitting at home seething with frustration that he can't participate here using his real name.
DAMMIT PAUL, YOU COULD HAVE BEEN A DOCTOR!
Anyone have good advice for dealing with fairly severe carpal tunnel/RSI/whatever they're calling it these days?
199: I SHOULD BE SO LUCKY!
Switch mousing hands and use better posture. Lastly, no more masturbating to your connective tissues.
Switch mousing
A switchmouse? Oh, yeah. It's like a switchblade, sort of, except you press the button when you wanna cute.
200: EXACTLY! LIKE SONNY HERTZBERG!
201: Those ergonomic keyboards might help. Also, they can do surgery. They've gotten better and now you get to keep one testicle.
||
No more masturbating to the UConn women's streak.
|>
208: Yeah, they won, like, a Brazilian games in a row.
Or a big brother, maybe. We could play Super Mario Brothers together!
You know what that would be? The best.
Gosh, that really would be dreamy. I have goosebumps!
"1) Show up 2) Pay attention 3) Tell the truth" - rules for living articulated by a dear friend of mine. (Coincidentally, today is the anniversary of his death.)
Also: "Never bet on another man's trick." - my dad, after telling me the story of how he lost a $10 bet against a guy who'd claimed to be able to drink a full can of beer in five seconds.
201: This is an awesome mouse for avoiding carpal tunnel pain.
When temptation comes, give right in.
When the Temptations come, join right in and start singing.
Never fight a stranger in the Alps.
Never go up against a Sicilian... when Death is on the line!
Canonical form of 214.last:
One of these days . . . a guy is going to show you a brand-new deck of cards on which the seal is not yet broken. Then this guy is going to offer to bet you that he can make the jack of spades jump out of this brand-new deck of cards and squirt cider in your ear. But, son, do not accept this bet, because as sure as you stand there, you're going to wind up with an ear full of cider.
-Sky Masterton's father
201 -- use autoclick software, mousetool, say. Free download.
I really don't understand what all this fuss is about land wars in Asia. I've had nothing but positive experiences with them.
"Measure twice, cut once." Also from my dad: "Never tell a customs officer a joke or drink with a policeman."
Also, "Money talks, but it shouldn't be allowed to monopolise the conversation." Kenneth Wolstenholme.
(Yes, that one. "Some of the crowd are on the pitch..." - who else called football in iambic pentameters?")
I like that "Measure twice, cut once" has made two appearances on this thread. One of my dad's favorite jokes when doing wood work is, "I've cut the damn thing twice, and it's still too short!"
I really don't understand what all this fuss is about land wars in Asia. I've had nothing but positive experiences with them.
"The open steppe. A fleet horse. Falcons at your breast. And the wind in your hair."
"Wrong! Conan, what is best in life?"
"Crush your enemies. See them driven before you. Heard the lamentation of the women."
I got confused on that last point and went to listen at the all-female plywood factory.
229: Right. He meant something about Perú. It's a llama nation.
You can't teach an old dog to make a silk purse out of a pig in a poke.
230: Actually, he was referring to a Larry Summers/John Derbyshire poetry slam: The Limitations of the Women.
Never get involved in a land war in Asia relationship.
If you have the chance to make a lamination joke, always take it. Who knows when the next one will come?
I'm not sure what 101 means.
Is it saying something like, "You'll find out when you reach the top/ You're on the bottom"? Or is it more like, "You know what they say about bein' nice to the right people on the way up/Sooner or later you gonna meet them comin' down"?
Also, how long does it take to go from "forgot to shave" to "starting to grow a beard?" I've got four days growth and am wondering if I can look like I'm growing a beard by Tuesday morning.
Same dudes you misuse on your way up, you might meet up on your way down.
235: My understanding is that there should be several layers to such a joke.
"The way up and the way down are one and the same."
In number, but not in account.
"The way up and the way down are one and the same."
Yeah. Take the stairs or the elevator. Both conveniently go up and down.
236
"You know what they say about bein' nice to the right people on the way up/Sooner or later you gonna meet them comin' down"?
The version I heard was "Be nice to the people you meet on the way up because you will meet them again on the way down.".
Take the stairs or the elevator escalator. Both conveniently go up and down.
"An escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You would never see an 'Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order' sign, just 'Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience'!"
—Mitch Hedberg
... But I have seen 'escalator out of order' signs, often with gates across them to prevent you from using them as stairs.
244: Yeah, that joke doesn't work for anyone who's ever ridden DC's Metro.
101, 103, 104 and 105 are from Heraclitus, Confucius, Battlestar Galactica and the Dao Dejing, respectively.
"Be nice to the people you meet on the way up because you will meet them again on the way down.".
No, that's why you have to utterly destroy them on the way up. You think they won't stick the knife in on the way down just because you smiled while stepping on their face?
Let water under the bridge lay where Jesus flang it -- Jubal E Harshaw
"Reverse your morality. listen to bands
That play only music you can't stand.
Forget how to worry. enjoy your fears.
Stop your life insurance and disappear."
-- Brave Combo
Every day's a struggle not to be a jerk.
250: Yesterday, I absentmindedly went through the twelve-items-of-fewer line with fourteen items. I felt like a big fat jerk.
Aw, Stanley, you're not so fat.
Live beyond your means and die before the bill comes due.