Re: When in Rome, don't pet the pigeons.

1

Use a condom.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 7:04 AM
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2

1: I take it that's related to the dream?


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 7:06 AM
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3

Never wear blue shoes with a brown suit.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 7:08 AM
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4

If you have a strange Unfogged-based dream, you have to tell about it at Unfogged, so the Unfoggetariat can offer interpretations.


Posted by: peep | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 7:12 AM
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5

Don't play poker with anyone who's first name is also the name of a city.


Posted by: Spike | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 7:12 AM
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6

"You might get something, but there ain't no free."


Posted by: will | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 7:14 AM
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7

"Don't ask the barber whether you need a haircut."


Posted by: James B. Shearer | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 7:21 AM
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8

Keep your toothbrush in your knapsack and volunteer for fuck all.


Posted by: chris y | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 7:24 AM
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9

If my mother takes an Ambien for any more than a couple of days in a row, she gets woken up by terrible nightmares. From an IM she sent me this morning:

i didn't take and ambien last night and people were being thrown down the steps outside my bedroom and killed - the last to go was Milton Berle then I woke up


Posted by: oudemia | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 7:32 AM
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10

You don't tug on superman's cape
You don't spit into the wind
You don't pull the mask of the ol' lone ranger
And you don't mess around with Jim.


Posted by: Light Rail Tycoon | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 7:32 AM
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11

Plastics.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 7:33 AM
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12

On your next acid trip, remember: cars are real.


Posted by: Spike | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 7:37 AM
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13

Duck!


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 7:41 AM
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14

Never trust Whitey.

Huperzine A gives me unusually vivid dreams.


Posted by: Flippanter | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 7:44 AM
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15

"Always wear clean underwear in case you're in a car wreck."


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 7:47 AM
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16

"Never arrange to meet anyone anyplace but in a bar. That way, if they're late, you're already in a bar."

-My dad


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 7:50 AM
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17

"You only get ahead once in the human race, so try not to lose it."


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 7:51 AM
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18

"Read the review; it's often better than the book."


Posted by: Flippanter | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 7:54 AM
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19

"You're going to want to wait until the last possible second, but DON'T wait too long or--AAAGGHHH!"


Posted by: Turgid Jacobian | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 7:54 AM
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16. Funny, I heard that from this guy. Did he know your dad?


Posted by: chris y | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 7:55 AM
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21

"Room temperature is about 1/40th of an eV"


Posted by: Turgid Jacobian | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 7:56 AM
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22

18: I once said this to someone, who, unbeknownst to me, was in fact the author of the book in question.


Posted by: oudemia | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 7:58 AM
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23

there's no sex in the champagne room


Posted by: snuh | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 8:01 AM
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24

Don't do that. Do this.


Posted by: Jimmy Pongo | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 8:02 AM
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25

When in Rome, few are chosen. Six of one are another man's treasure.


Posted by: nosflow | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 8:02 AM
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26

When you think a relationship is getting serious, meet his parents. Often things skip a generation.

- my dad


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 8:03 AM
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27

Not quite advice, per se, but a friend once remarked that "[i]t's probably not a good idea to take advice from television critics." I think of that whenever Bill Simmons or some blogger flies into a jeremianiacal rage about LeBron or Glee or whatnot.


Posted by: Flippanter | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 8:06 AM
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28

Who wants a hug?


Posted by: Pauly Shore | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 8:07 AM
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29

20: Might have been common wisdom in that generation?


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 8:08 AM
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30

"Don't have sex with your mom."


Posted by: rob helpy-chalk | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 8:12 AM
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31

26: My mother was always, "Make sure you meet her mother." But I think it was based on the theory that many things *don't* skip a generation.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 8:13 AM
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32

"This, too, shall pass."

Also, my dad has taken to quoting Lord Balfour: "Nothing matters very much, and most things don't matter at all."


Posted by: Minivet | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 8:13 AM
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33

30: Give it a rest, Sigmund. We get it.


Posted by: Flippanter | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 8:13 AM
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34

30: ...laydeez


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 8:13 AM
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35

Clean windows from the top down.

Similar to, "In a parade, always put the horses/elephants at the end."


Posted by: Jimmy Pongo | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 8:18 AM
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36

One piece of advice it took my kids a while to internalize: walk into the bathroom first, then pull your pants down.

M-dash will be at this phase soon enough, I bet.


Posted by: rob helpy-chalk | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 8:20 AM
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37

Hello, world!


Posted by: Pauly Shore | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 8:22 AM
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38

36: TMI but Mara pooped in the toilet at last for the first time today! It's a big old celebration here, though I'm still sort of reeling from yesterday's poop episode.


Posted by: Thorn | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 8:23 AM
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39

If you meet the Buddha by the side of the road, kill him.


Posted by: Walt Someguy | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 8:24 AM
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40

38: Woohoo, Mara! At her age, I bet it goes pretty fast.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 8:25 AM
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41

The thread ties together early:

"I'm having bad dreams, and I poop a lot."


Posted by: Flippanter | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 8:26 AM
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42

I still have fond memories of the dream in which I found myself in an alternate universe and pulled up Unfogged. There was a slew of different front-page posters and, at the bottom, "© The Washington Post Company."


Posted by: Minivet | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 8:28 AM
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43

"Use VCR fittings where ordinary Swagelok are not appropriate. Be sure to get the kind with the gasket-holder."


Posted by: Turgid Jacobian | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 8:31 AM
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44

32: The opposite advice seems equally true: "Everything matters, but not much." (This came down to me as the dying words of my wife's uncle. He may have been quoting somebody, but I don't know who.)


Posted by: Yawnoc | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 8:32 AM
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45

"When in Mt Lebanon, use the abundant free wifi."


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 8:33 AM
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46

"Measure twice, cut once."

"I'm with stupid."

"Honk if you're horny."


Posted by: Yawnoc | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 8:33 AM
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47

Everything is a poison and everything is a medicine. The only question is the dose.


Posted by: rob helpy-chalk | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 8:35 AM
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48

47: Paracelsus?


Posted by: Flippanter | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 8:37 AM
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49

Wait, no one's said: Buy low, sell high, yet?


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 8:37 AM
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50

"Eighty percent of success is showing up."


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 8:37 AM
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51

KILL FOR GOD


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 8:38 AM
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52

"Get a good pitch to hit."


Posted by: Flippanter | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 8:39 AM
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53

Just because you can exclude the curly braces if the content of your for loop is a single line, doesn't mean you should.


Posted by: Spike | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 8:40 AM
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54



Posted by: | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 8:40 AM
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55

"Ninety percent of everything is crap"


Posted by: Spike | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 8:42 AM
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56

Even if someone seems totally conscious and aware, they may already be blacking out and no longer forming long term memories.


Posted by: x.trapnel | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 8:43 AM
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57

Don't sit on a boy's lap at a party, because he could have sex with you.


Posted by: Bave Dee | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 8:43 AM
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58

44: That's not exactly opposite.


Posted by: Minivet | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 8:44 AM
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59

"Be fair: everybody wants 'Mr. Toad's wild ride'"


Posted by: Turgid Jacobian | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 8:44 AM
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60

Moderation in all things; even excess, in moderation.


Posted by: x.trapnel | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 8:49 AM
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61

"When you're married, you'll understand the importance of fresh produce."


Posted by: Flippanter | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 8:50 AM
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62

48: Yes, although it seems that the original quote was only about the "poison" side. I like my version better.


Posted by: rob helpy-chalk | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 8:51 AM
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63

"Try not the pass!"


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 8:51 AM
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64

Heghlu'meH QaQ jajvam


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 8:52 AM
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65

56: I knew somebody like that -- quite disconcerting!


Posted by: peep | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 8:53 AM
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66

"Team speed, for Christ's Sake, you get fuckin' goddamn little fleas on the fuckin' bases getting picked off trying to steal, getting thrown out, taking runs away from you. You get them big cocksuckers who can hit the fuckin' ball out of the ballpark and you can't make any goddamn mistakes."


Posted by: Opinionated Earl Weaver | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 8:54 AM
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67

"Keep your stick on the ice."


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 8:55 AM
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68

"Don't eat yellow snow."


Posted by: Osgood Yousbad | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 9:02 AM
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69

Gather ye rosebuds while ye may


Posted by: peep | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 9:04 AM
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70

"Don't whiz on the electric fence."


Posted by: Flippanter | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 9:04 AM
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71

"No matter where you go, there you are."


Posted by: Todd | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 9:09 AM
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72

"Rest is a weapon. Never forget it."


Posted by: Turgid Jacobian | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 9:13 AM
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73

"Call no man happy who is not dead."


Posted by: Turgid Jacobian | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 9:26 AM
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74

"Don't take any wooden nickels"


Posted by: Klug | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 9:29 AM
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75

"If it's yellow, let it mellow. If it's brown, flush it down."


Posted by: Bonsaisue | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 9:42 AM
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76

"Nobody knows you if you're down and out."


Posted by: chris y | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 9:50 AM
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77

"Don't shit what you eat."


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 9:58 AM
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78

I have to say, "never got into a land war in asia" is a pretty good answer. It has that quality of seeming almost applicable to a lot of situations.

Always keep an edge on your knife
Because a good sharp edge is a man's best hedge
Against the vague uncertainties of life.

From the same song, "never sell the old .22", "always tip the glass when you pour", and "always thaw the bit when it's cold."


Posted by: NickS | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 9:58 AM
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79

77: Hello impacted feces.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 10:03 AM
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80

77 is terrible advice!


Posted by: peep | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 10:06 AM
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81

"It is difficult to get a man to understand something, when his salary depends upon his not understanding it!"


Posted by: NickS | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 10:06 AM
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82

Searching for 81 got me to look up Glabraith quotes and gosh he was a quotable fellow.

Most of those are not phrased as advice, but it's never bad to be reminded that:

"If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error. "

or

"In economics, hope and faith coexist with great scientific pretension and also a deep desire for respectability. "

or

"Few can believe that suffering, especially by others, is in vain. Anything that is disagreeable must surely have beneficial economic effects. "


Posted by: NickS | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 10:11 AM
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83

"Treat your profs like they're idiots, coast by doing as little as humanly possible, roll your eyes constantly, don't be caught giving a shit."


Posted by: Jimmy Pongo | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 10:11 AM
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84

An onion a day keeps the doctor away!


Posted by: Pauly Shore | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 10:12 AM
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85

"Go to the ant, O sluggard, and consider her ways, and learn wisdom." (Lots more where that came from.)


Posted by: chris y | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 10:12 AM
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86

a list of random pearls of wisdom (and I'm not sure, but I think the less likely to be immediately applicable the better) seems a task uniquely suited to the talents of the Unfoggedtariat.

Back when I was in high school, friends and I had a disorganized business making and selling buttons, and one of the assets of the business was a file of semi-clever things that you could put on a button, referred to as the 'Pith List.' I kind of wish I still had a copy -- it started with every button/T-shirt slogan we'd ever seen, and then whenever someone asked for a button saying something that wasn't on the list, we added it. Got to be a fairly impressive length by the time we shut down.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 10:13 AM
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87

Don't worry: they'll give internet access to practically anyone!


Posted by: Pauly Shore | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 10:16 AM
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88

"Never pick a fight with someone you don't know, they might be crazier than you are".
(R.A.H.?)


Posted by: Biohazard | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 10:20 AM
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89

88. Royal Albert Hall?


Posted by: chris y | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 10:25 AM
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90

89: Robert Anson Heinlein. I think I read it in a short collection in one of the SF mags way back when.


Posted by: Biohazard | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 10:29 AM
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91

Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty, but the pig enjoys it.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 10:41 AM
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92

Life's a bitch and then you die.


Posted by: chris y | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 10:43 AM
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93

Sometimes small stuff should be sweated.


Posted by: Eggplant | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 10:46 AM
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94

You can't duck the weird shit.


Posted by: chris y | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 10:47 AM
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95

If you're considering ducking shit you've already made some bad decisions.


Posted by: Eggplant | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 10:50 AM
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96

Stop masturbating to Rosie the Riveter.


Posted by: asilon | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 10:53 AM
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97

Surprised it's taken this long for R.A.H. to come up -- he is so full of advice. My pick, via the Professor in The Moon Is A Harsh Mistress: "When faced with a complex problem you don't understand, first solve any part of if you do understand. Then go back and look at the whole problem again."


Posted by: Cady | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 10:54 AM
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98

(Quoting from memory before the thread moves on -- can't find the text)


Posted by: Cady | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 10:55 AM
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99

"Shit rolls downhill"


Posted by: rob helpy-chalk | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 11:30 AM
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100

Amateurs discuss tactics, professionals discuss logistics.


Posted by: Tasseled Loafered Leech | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 11:30 AM
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101

"The way up and the way down are one and the same."


Posted by: rob helpy-chalk | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 11:31 AM
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102

100: I know that one as a three-parter: "Dilettantes discuss strategy, amateurs discuss tactics, professionals discuss logistics."


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 11:35 AM
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103

Virtue is never solitary; it always has neighbors.


Posted by: rob helpy-chalk | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 11:36 AM
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104

"The gods will lift those who lift each other."


Posted by: rob helpy-chalk | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 11:36 AM
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105

"Heaven and Earth are not benevolent. They treat the myriad creatures as straw dogs."


Posted by: rob helpy-chalk | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 11:39 AM
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106

"Plow naked."


Posted by: oudemia | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 11:43 AM
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107

Every human being, everywhere, is repugnant and horribly evil.


Posted by: Robert Halford | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 11:45 AM
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108

Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood.


Posted by: AWB | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 11:46 AM
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109

107: My dad used to say basically that. He'd say "People are no damn good" in a way that made it clear he was including himself and everyone in the family.


Posted by: rob helpy-chalk | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 11:51 AM
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110

Shave the whole top of thy crown clean, once at least every four of five days, but oftener if convenient; lest in taking off thy wig before her, through absence of mind, she should be able to discover how much has been cut away by Time -- how much by Trim.


Posted by: jms | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 11:54 AM
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111

"Don't be a martyr"


Posted by: peep | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 12:11 PM
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112

"Don't stick your dick in the crazy."


Posted by: Hamilton-Lovecraft | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 12:20 PM
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113

Redhead at night, sailor's delight.

Whenever God closes a door, he locks it.


Posted by: nosflow | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 12:21 PM
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114

If it is that kind of a party, do stick your dick in the mashed potatoes.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 12:21 PM
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115

Another morning, another egg. The sky was up early. It had rained all night: to you and me sleeping, the storm was a delight. In the east, morning clouds are building a kingdom of red and silver. Time for you to get up! Come into the kingdom of morning delight and come as king! Come into the omelet of morning delight, and come as egg!


Posted by: Harry Mathews | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 12:22 PM
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116

Many are called but few are home.

Man proposes, but God is busy.


Posted by: nosflow | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 12:23 PM
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117

110: A smooch for you!


Posted by: AWB | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 12:23 PM
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118

Red sky at night, enjoy the sunset.


Posted by: nosflow | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 12:23 PM
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119

Red skies at night, oh oh oh oh-oh-oh oh-oh.


Posted by: The Fixx | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 12:25 PM
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120

A handful of poetic regrets, if adroitly placed, are as becoming to a woman as gossamer hair in the moonlight.


Posted by: L.-F. Celine | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 12:25 PM
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121

||

I was out dancing the other night and they played a Kate Bush song and I thought 'dang, why do I only have one Kate Bush album?' so the next day I picked up a couple more on iTunes, and now god damn it I have endless Kate Bush earworms.

That's why I only had one Kate Bush album.

|>


Posted by: Hamilton-Lovecraft | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 12:27 PM
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122

"Never pet a burning dog."


Posted by: Hamilton-Lovecraft | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 12:28 PM
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123

Never look a gift horse before the cart.


Posted by: essear | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 12:35 PM
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124

Sparkling waters run shallow.


Posted by: essear | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 12:39 PM
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125

Do wheeze the juice! Ha. You guys: the best!


Posted by: Pauly Shore | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 12:40 PM
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126

Not all that glitters is good for a gander.


Posted by: nosflow | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 12:44 PM
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127

Don't spit into the wind.


Posted by: peep | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 12:48 PM
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128

Exterminate all rational thought.


Posted by: Walt Someguy | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 12:52 PM
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129

The truth is out there! Trust no one. Deny everything. Sure, fine, whatever.


Posted by: Bonsaisue | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 12:53 PM
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130

Yawnoc, I got the reference in 46, even if the rest of these ignorant savages didn't.


Posted by: Walt Someguy | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 12:53 PM
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131

Neither a penny saved nor a penny earned be.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 12:56 PM
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132

"Wherever possible, put people on hold."

"Strive at all times to bend, fold, spindle and mutilate."


Posted by: NickS | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 12:56 PM
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133

a very strange Unfogged-based dream last night

I thought jackmormon turned up in my dream but upon reflection decided it was another friend whose blog post I read shortly before retiring and who looks similar.

24: Don't watch that. Watch this.


Posted by: k-sky | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 12:59 PM
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134

Neither a borrower nor a lender be,
Do not forget, stay out of debt.
Think twice, and take this good advice from me,
Guard that old solvency.
There's just one other thing you ought to do:
To thine own self be true.


Posted by: jms | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 12:59 PM
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135

Somewhat related to 88: Never get into a fight with an old man. If he can't beat you, he'll just kill you.


Posted by: Todd | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 1:18 PM
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136

A stitch in time flies like an Arrow's Impossibility Theorem.


Posted by: essear | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 1:24 PM
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137

Don't pee on my leg and tell me you love me.


Posted by: Judge Judy | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 1:24 PM
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138

Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.


Posted by: Osgood Yousbad | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 1:26 PM
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139

100, 102: there is a fourth part. "Experts discuss personnel policy."


Posted by: Turgid Jacobian | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 1:27 PM
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140

When called by a panther, don't anther.
If you see a panther crouch, prepare to say "ouch."


Posted by: Osgood Yousbad | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 1:27 PM
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141

113: Redhead at morning, watch out gingers are crazy.


Posted by: Turgid Jacobian | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 1:30 PM
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142

"Last of all I insisted on a lead box of biscuits - and Willie cried out with laughter. 'They are ship's biscuits - what should we need those for?' 'Insurance, my lad.' says I. 'Take 'em along, and it's odds you'll never need them. Leave 'em behind, and as sure as shooting you'll finish up living off blood-stained snow and dead mules.' "


Posted by: Flippanter | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 1:36 PM
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143

"don't put a splinter in someones eye when you have a plank in your own"


Posted by: rob helpy-chalk | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 1:37 PM
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144

140: I love that poem.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 1:39 PM
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145

Never trust a man in a blue trench coat; never drive a car when you're dead.


Posted by: T. Waits | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 2:04 PM
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146

"You can never have too many hats, gloves, and shoes."'


Posted by: Mister Smearcase | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 2:08 PM
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147

The soundest advice I ever heard was from the doctor who sometimes appears on the Savage Love podcast - never eat poop.


Posted by: togolosh | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 2:11 PM
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148

"Play dead for a black bear, but charge a grizzly." Or is it the other way around?


Posted by: bill | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 2:18 PM
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149

148: I have been told that charging a grizzly bear would be a mistake.


Posted by: Flippanter | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 2:23 PM
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150

Never trust a deliverer of mail.


Posted by: text | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 2:23 PM
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151

149: Visa or Mastercard?


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 2:23 PM
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152

You can't re-built the same chicken twice. That's probably not even his liver and heart in the plastic bag.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 2:24 PM
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151: Missing the easy Diner's Club joke? Alternatively, consider the slightly recondite Telly-Savalas-for-the-Player's-Club joke?


Posted by: Flippanter | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 2:28 PM
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154

"If you strike a king, you must bruise him slightly and go about your business."


Posted by: bill | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 2:32 PM
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155

153: "Be chary of old people who make references you barely understand."


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 2:34 PM
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156

The lizard people are everywhere. Protect your thoughts.


Posted by: text | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 2:34 PM
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157

Take a bath afterward and before.


Posted by: text | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 2:36 PM
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158

"Then you come to Lesson 5: Marry a strong, talented, vocal, articulate and above all persuasive reader. Not everyone can marry Ayelet Waldman, however."

Convincing, if circumstantial, evidence of divine mercy.


Posted by: Flippanter | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 2:39 PM
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158: I had a theory of Michael Chabon that he wanted so badly to be F. Scott Fitzgerald that he decided to marry someone as crazy as Zelda.

I've since repudiated this theory, but I guess it's still good enough for an Unfogged comment.


Posted by: peep | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 2:46 PM
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160

I vaguely remember "The Player's Club" commercials, but am not familiar with the "Diner's Club".


Posted by: Cryptic ned | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 2:48 PM
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161

Diner's Club was the original credit card.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 2:52 PM
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162

Or charge card. I think you had to pay in full each month.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 2:56 PM
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Lizard @86: ...referred to as the 'Pith List.' I kind of
wish I still had a copy -- it started with every button/T-shirt slogan we'd ever seen, and then whenever
someone asked for a button saying something that wasn't on the list, we added it.

Business plan for 2011: Recover and repurpose your pith list as tweets, then merchandise the corpora as a book.


Posted by: Econolicious and laconic | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 3:11 PM
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164

Order is hard, mayhem is easy.


Posted by: ajay | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 3:25 PM
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165

164: Perfect dates for each other.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 3:27 PM
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166

Always bet on black.


Posted by: DS | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 3:40 PM
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167

166: And never pay your taxes.


Posted by: Flippanter | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 3:45 PM
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168

Live long in Prosper, Texas.


Posted by: Walt Someguy | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 4:41 PM
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169

"The trouble is that we have a bad habit, encouraged by pedants and sophisticates, of considering happiness as something rather stupid."

(To properly be advice, I suppose, one would have to add, "Don't do that.")


Posted by: Sir Kraab | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 4:50 PM
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170

"The day is short, and the task is great . . . . It is not for thee to finish the work, nor art thou free to desist therefrom."

~Rabbi Tarfon (Pirkei Avot)


Posted by: Sir Kraab | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 4:56 PM
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108: Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood.

Satchel Paige if I recall correctly. So also, "Don't look back, something might be gaining on you."


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 4:58 PM
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172

Don't take any wooden shekels.


Posted by: Sir Kraab | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 4:58 PM
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173

170: Ars longa, vita brevis.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 4:59 PM
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174

vita brevis

Me too, but I'm trying to publish more.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 5:08 PM
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175

164: You can't win, you can't break even, you can't get out of the game.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 5:08 PM
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176

174: Livin' la vita brevis.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 5:10 PM
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177

Live fast, die young and leave a buttload of debt.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 5:12 PM
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178

The higher the monkey climbs, the more he exposes.


Posted by: Natilo Paennim | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 5:12 PM
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179

"Ladies and Gentlemen, take my advice
Take off your pants and slide on the ice"


Posted by: Mo MacArbie | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 5:17 PM
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180

Take off your pants and slide on the ice"

Citizens, pull your pants up! And cyborgs, pull your pants down!


Posted by: essear | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 5:20 PM
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181

"Makin sex is like Chinese dinner. It ain't over til you both get yer cookies."


Posted by: Tugid Jacobian | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 5:28 PM
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182

181: I love Alec Baldwin in that movie.


Posted by: oudemia | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 5:59 PM
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183

||

I've thrown like 60 goddamn dwarves at this Forgotten Beast and it refuses to die. "A towering quadruped composed of sterling silver. It has two short tails and it undulates rhythmically. Beware its hunger for warm blood!"

We've cut off all four of its feet and dented and fractured almost every other part of its body.

Some day I have to actually start training soldiers instead of drafting civilian dwarves.

|>


Posted by: Hamilton-Lovecraft | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 6:04 PM
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184

183.3: What, other miner or forger, do your civilian dwarves do? Herb-a-life?


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 6:10 PM
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185

180: Gravity pulls the trousers down, morality pulls the trousers up.


Posted by: | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 6:16 PM
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182: It was also a surprisingly good movie, if you ask me.


Posted by: Turgid Jacobian | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 6:17 PM
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187

First approximation: miners, masons, woodcutters, carpenters, hunters, smiths, jewelers, craftsdwarves, fisherdwarves, farmers, brewers, cooks, engineers. There are variants within each of those categories; about 70 specific jobs in total.


Posted by: Hamilton-Lovecraft | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 6:30 PM
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188

186: Totally agreed.


Posted by: oudemia | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 6:44 PM
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189

56: that's me!!!


Posted by: alameida | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 6:53 PM
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190

187: Do you have to do their tax returns or is there an account class?


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 7:01 PM
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191

190: I am somewhat surprised that there isn't just such a thing in WOW.


Posted by: Turgid Jacobian | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 7:14 PM
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192

I saw on TV that WoW just expanded. Maybe they'll have dwarf-CPA.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 7:31 PM
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193

Adamantium Audit & Mithril Manager coming this Summer!


Posted by: | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 7:34 PM
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194

I want to comment as pauly shore sometimes, and my gut tells me this doesn't violate the holy of holies no sock-puppeting rule. am I right, or just amazingly right?


Posted by: alameida | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 7:56 PM
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195

194: On the internet, nobody knows you're Pauly Shore.


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 8:00 PM
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196

The real Pauly Shore is sitting at home seething with frustration that he can't participate here using his real name.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 8:10 PM
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197

196: Paul Montgomery Shore?


Posted by: Turgid Jacobian | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 8:19 PM
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198

DAMMIT PAUL, YOU COULD HAVE BEEN A DOCTOR!


Posted by: OPINIONATED MITZI SHORE | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 8:23 PM
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199

Or a better comedian.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 8:26 PM
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200

Or a basketball star.


Posted by: Kobe | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 8:28 PM
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201

Anyone have good advice for dealing with fairly severe carpal tunnel/RSI/whatever they're calling it these days?


Posted by: x.trapnel | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 8:34 PM
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202

199: I SHOULD BE SO LUCKY!


Posted by: OPIONATED MITZI SHORE | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 8:35 PM
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203

Switch mousing hands and use better posture. Lastly, no more masturbating to your connective tissues.


Posted by: Turgid Jacobian | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 8:37 PM
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204

Switch mousing

A switchmouse? Oh, yeah. It's like a switchblade, sort of, except you press the button when you wanna cute.


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 8:42 PM
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200: EXACTLY! LIKE SONNY HERTZBERG!


Posted by: OPINIONATED MITZI SHORE | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 8:42 PM
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201: Those ergonomic keyboards might help. Also, they can do surgery. They've gotten better and now you get to keep one testicle.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 8:44 PM
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207

||

No more masturbating to the UConn women's streak.

|>


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 8:59 PM
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208

Was that like a Brazilian?


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 9:11 PM
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209

208: Yeah, they won, like, a Brazilian games in a row.


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 9:14 PM
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210

I wish Apo was my daddy.


Posted by: Pauly Shore | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 9:18 PM
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211

Or a big brother, maybe. We could play Super Mario Brothers together!

You know what that would be? The best.


Posted by: Pauly Shore | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 9:22 PM
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212

201: x. trapnel, I do.


Posted by: k-sky | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 9:25 PM
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213

Gosh, that really would be dreamy. I have goosebumps!


Posted by: Pauly Shore | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 9:45 PM
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214

"1) Show up 2) Pay attention 3) Tell the truth" - rules for living articulated by a dear friend of mine. (Coincidentally, today is the anniversary of his death.)

Also: "Never bet on another man's trick." - my dad, after telling me the story of how he lost a $10 bet against a guy who'd claimed to be able to drink a full can of beer in five seconds.


Posted by: Evan | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 10:56 PM
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201: This is an awesome mouse for avoiding carpal tunnel pain.


Posted by: Sir Kraab | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 11:09 PM
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216

When temptation comes, give right in.


Posted by: Sir Kraab | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 11:09 PM
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217

When the Temptations come, join right in and start singing.


Posted by: Sir Kraab | Link to this comment | 12-30-10 11:14 PM
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218

Never fight a stranger in the Alps.

Never go up against a Sicilian... when Death is on the line!


Posted by: persistently visible | Link to this comment | 12-31-10 12:13 AM
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219

212: oooh, thanks.


Posted by: x.trapnel | Link to this comment | 12-31-10 3:05 AM
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220

Canonical form of 214.last:

One of these days . . . a guy is going to show you a brand-new deck of cards on which the seal is not yet broken. Then this guy is going to offer to bet you that he can make the jack of spades jump out of this brand-new deck of cards and squirt cider in your ear. But, son, do not accept this bet, because as sure as you stand there, you're going to wind up with an ear full of cider.

-Sky Masterton's father


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 12-31-10 6:29 AM
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221

201 -- use autoclick software, mousetool, say. Free download.


Posted by: ptl | Link to this comment | 12-31-10 6:42 AM
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222

I really don't understand what all this fuss is about land wars in Asia. I've had nothing but positive experiences with them.


Posted by: opinionated genghis khan | Link to this comment | 12-31-10 7:05 AM
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223

"Measure twice, cut once." Also from my dad: "Never tell a customs officer a joke or drink with a policeman."


Posted by: Alex | Link to this comment | 12-31-10 8:34 AM
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224

We agree with 222.


Posted by: Victoria RI | Link to this comment | 12-31-10 9:14 AM
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225

Also, "Money talks, but it shouldn't be allowed to monopolise the conversation." Kenneth Wolstenholme.

(Yes, that one. "Some of the crowd are on the pitch..." - who else called football in iambic pentameters?")


Posted by: Alex | Link to this comment | 12-31-10 10:09 AM
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226

I like that "Measure twice, cut once" has made two appearances on this thread. One of my dad's favorite jokes when doing wood work is, "I've cut the damn thing twice, and it's still too short!"


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 12-31-10 10:13 AM
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227

224. Really?


Posted by: chris y | Link to this comment | 12-31-10 10:23 AM
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228

I really don't understand what all this fuss is about land wars in Asia. I've had nothing but positive experiences with them.

"The open steppe. A fleet horse. Falcons at your breast. And the wind in your hair."

"Wrong! Conan, what is best in life?"

"Crush your enemies. See them driven before you. Heard the lamentation of the women."


Posted by: Flippanter | Link to this comment | 12-31-10 1:33 PM
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229

I got confused on that last point and went to listen at the all-female plywood factory.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 12-31-10 1:42 PM
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229: Right. He meant something about Perú. It's a llama nation.


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 12-31-10 2:00 PM
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231

You can't teach an old dog to make a silk purse out of a pig in a poke.


Posted by: Merganser | Link to this comment | 12-31-10 2:12 PM
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230: Actually, he was referring to a Larry Summers/John Derbyshire poetry slam: The Limitations of the Women.


Posted by: Turgid Jacobian | Link to this comment | 12-31-10 2:13 PM
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233

Never get involved in a land war in Asia relationship.


Posted by: Merganser | Link to this comment | 12-31-10 2:16 PM
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234

101 gets it exactly right.


Posted by: Merganser | Link to this comment | 12-31-10 2:18 PM
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235

If you have the chance to make a lamination joke, always take it. Who knows when the next one will come?


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 12-31-10 2:24 PM
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236

I'm not sure what 101 means.

Is it saying something like, "You'll find out when you reach the top/ You're on the bottom"? Or is it more like, "You know what they say about bein' nice to the right people on the way up/Sooner or later you gonna meet them comin' down"?


Posted by: peep | Link to this comment | 12-31-10 2:26 PM
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237

Also, how long does it take to go from "forgot to shave" to "starting to grow a beard?" I've got four days growth and am wondering if I can look like I'm growing a beard by Tuesday morning.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 12-31-10 2:26 PM
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238

Same dudes you misuse on your way up, you might meet up on your way down.


Posted by: Lowell George | Link to this comment | 12-31-10 2:26 PM
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235: My understanding is that there should be several layers to such a joke.


Posted by: Turgid Jacobian | Link to this comment | 12-31-10 2:26 PM
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240

"The way up and the way down are one and the same."

In number, but not in account.


Posted by: nosflow | Link to this comment | 12-31-10 2:38 PM
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241

"The way up and the way down are one and the same."

Yeah. Take the stairs or the elevator. Both conveniently go up and down.


Posted by: Turgid Jacobian | Link to this comment | 12-31-10 2:52 PM
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242

236

"You know what they say about bein' nice to the right people on the way up/Sooner or later you gonna meet them comin' down"?

The version I heard was "Be nice to the people you meet on the way up because you will meet them again on the way down.".


Posted by: James B. Shearer | Link to this comment | 12-31-10 3:04 PM
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243

Take the stairs or the elevator escalator. Both conveniently go up and down.

"An escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You would never see an 'Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order' sign, just 'Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience'!"
—Mitch Hedberg


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 12-31-10 3:07 PM
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244

... But I have seen 'escalator out of order' signs, often with gates across them to prevent you from using them as stairs.


Posted by: essear | Link to this comment | 12-31-10 3:10 PM
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245

244: Yeah, that joke doesn't work for anyone who's ever ridden DC's Metro.


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 12-31-10 3:11 PM
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246

There are dangers.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 12-31-10 3:12 PM
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247

101, 103, 104 and 105 are from Heraclitus, Confucius, Battlestar Galactica and the Dao Dejing, respectively.


Posted by: rob helpy-chalk | Link to this comment | 12-31-10 4:39 PM
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248

"Be nice to the people you meet on the way up because you will meet them again on the way down.".

No, that's why you have to utterly destroy them on the way up. You think they won't stick the knife in on the way down just because you smiled while stepping on their face?


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 12-31-10 4:51 PM
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249

Let water under the bridge lay where Jesus flang it -- Jubal E Harshaw

"Reverse your morality. listen to bands
That play only music you can't stand.
Forget how to worry. enjoy your fears.
Stop your life insurance and disappear."

-- Brave Combo


Posted by: Dr Paisley | Link to this comment | 01- 1-11 7:21 PM
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250

Every day's a struggle not to be a jerk.


Posted by: Standpipe Bridgeplate | Link to this comment | 01- 2-11 8:06 PM
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251

250: Yesterday, I absentmindedly went through the twelve-items-of-fewer line with fourteen items. I felt like a big fat jerk.


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 01- 2-11 8:08 PM
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252

of s/b or


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 01- 2-11 8:08 PM
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253

Aw, Stanley, you're not so fat.


Posted by: Standpipe Bridgeplate | Link to this comment | 01- 2-11 8:12 PM
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254

250: Still four guests?


Posted by: Mr. Blandings | Link to this comment | 01- 2-11 8:17 PM
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255

Live beyond your means and die before the bill comes due.


Posted by: F | Link to this comment | 01- 2-11 8:48 PM
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256

Spoken like a true Jeffersonian.


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 01- 2-11 9:27 PM
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