Re: The Way To Go

1

Holmes, who noted that a pound of ash fills about 250 shotgun shells.

That's a lot of shells. I can see the attraction to being fired once, maybe in a rocket like Hunter S Thompson, but by the time they've fired off 200 ash rounds into the same damn river one's bereaved loved ones are going to be getting a bit fed upand slightly deaf. BANG BANG "goodbye, dear heart, we know you loved this river" CLICK BANG BANG "goodbye" CLICK BANG BANG "er, still goodbye" CLICK BANG BANG for a good half hour or so while the mourners start to drift off.

What you want to do is get them to load your ashes into a single canister round and fire it into the river from your home-made 12-pdr mountain howitzer. See here.
http://www.buckstix.com/howitzer.htm


Posted by: ajayt | Link to this comment | 10- 5-11 3:05 AM
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I suppose the alternative is to make it known that Shotguns Will Be Worn at the funeral, issue each mourner with two rounds ash, and volley-fire them all into the river on a signal.


Posted by: ajay | Link to this comment | 10- 5-11 3:12 AM
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yeah, I thought of that too. either a tank shell or a volley. I like the idea of the ushers solemnly handing out the 12 gauges in case someone forgot.


Posted by: alameida | Link to this comment | 10- 5-11 3:34 AM
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I've given my son strict instructions: if I am still asleep at 9:01 am, put a pillow over my head and take me out.
Then, he has a list of places where my ashes should be dropped. Some of them to be expected (family home near cville, his mother's coffee, local river, friend's farm in Costa Rica, etc), and some of them are just an excuse to make him travel (China, Norway, India, Bolivia salt flats).


Posted by: Will | Link to this comment | 10- 5-11 4:00 AM
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Sure, they suggest using this to disperse the cremated remains of your loved ones, but I'm sure the real use will be to provide the capstone to multi-generational acts of revenge. When the older generation can't participate as a shooter, they can be the shot.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 10- 5-11 4:02 AM
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"The last thing that one turkey will see is me, screaming at him at about 900 feet per second," said Clem Parnell.

Henry Shipes would have been a great customer (and from not to far down the road).

And Clem Parnell is the perfect rural Southern name.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 10- 5-11 4:43 AM
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1: I sometimes fantasize about building a gatling 12 gauge shotgun and going out in the desert to fire off long belts of mixed flares and bird bombs. Then I remember how much I hate loud noises and stop. Also getting all the licensing sorted out would be a pain in the ass. It would be a great solution to the problem of excessive numbers of dead person shells though.


Posted by: togolosh | Link to this comment | 10- 5-11 5:43 AM
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if I am still asleep at 9:01 am

Tomorrow? Or?


Posted by: oudemia | Link to this comment | 10- 5-11 5:52 AM
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go for it togolosh! what are those fucking earcover things for? going out and just shooting the fuck out of stuff is fun. in a stunning refutation of the hollywood theory that one bullet hitting a car will cause it to explode, my family and some friends shot a running car (an old ford) with an increasing number of rounds, up to and including a belt-fed fully automatic machine gun (illegally modified, obviously), and fucker was still running fine until we split the engine block. it took like 30 minutes. we used to have a movie. there was a minor explosion when the gas tank or combustion chamber or whatever finally went but the lack of destruction was hilarious. well, I say lack of destruction; that car was shot up pretty fucking good, but it didn't just blow up throwing bad guys out the windows like I learned about on the A-Team.


Posted by: alameida | Link to this comment | 10- 5-11 6:23 AM
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8: any day. Naps are acceptable. But I hate staying in bed that late.

Shooting stuff is fun. It is a shame that more cop shows don't show them holding their ears in pain though.


Posted by: Will | Link to this comment | 10- 5-11 6:32 AM
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dude, sleeping till 1:30 in the afternoon is one of the great human pleasures. are you mad?


Posted by: alameida | Link to this comment | 10- 5-11 7:08 AM
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Get up. Have breakfast and/exercise. Go back to sleep. Sleeping until 1:30 in afternoon is horrible.


Posted by: Will | Link to this comment | 10- 5-11 7:10 AM
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whatever dude, you're missing out. I can't drink or take drugs anymore, I have to have a vice.


Posted by: alameida | Link to this comment | 10- 5-11 8:00 AM
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NMM to Bert Jansch. Presumably he won't be taking this option.


Posted by: nosflow | Link to this comment | 10- 5-11 8:27 AM
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I can see the attraction to being fired once, maybe in a rocket like Hunter S Thompson, but by the time they've fired off 200 ash rounds into the same damn river one's bereaved loved ones are going to be getting a bit fed upand slightly deaf. BANG BANG "goodbye, dear heart, we know you loved this river" CLICK BANG BANG "goodbye" CLICK BANG BANG "er, still goodbye" CLICK BANG BANG for a good half hour or so while the mourners start to drift off.

Wikipedia says the average weight of ashes is 4 pounds for women and 6 pounds for men, so it would be more like 1000-1500 rounds.


Posted by: Minivet | Link to this comment | 10- 5-11 9:12 AM
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And if you wanted to actually make holes in what you are shooting, you'd probably need to fill at least 1/4 of the space in the shell with actual metal shot.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 10- 5-11 9:14 AM
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15: obviously you'd need some sort of tripod-mounted belt-fed automatic shotgun here. Which, let's face it, is what alameida would probably want in a decorative if not an functional capacity at her funeral anyway.


Posted by: ajay | Link to this comment | 10- 5-11 9:16 AM
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18

17: And it would be ideal for home defense!


Posted by: Eggplant | Link to this comment | 10- 5-11 9:19 AM
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tripod-mounted belt-fed automatic shotgun here. Which, let's face it, is what alameidaany sane person would probably want in a decorative if not an functional capacity at her funeral anyway.


Posted by: urple | Link to this comment | 10- 5-11 9:19 AM
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20

With the right caliber cannon, couldn't you send off your loved ones to the 1812 Overture?


Posted by: Eggplant | Link to this comment | 10- 5-11 9:23 AM
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21

Rather than more shots, you could just get a really big shotgun.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 10- 5-11 9:24 AM
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20: you'd need several loved ones. The 1812 involves quite a few cannon shots. Like 16 or so I think.

21: the howitzer I linked to in 1 is, essentially, being used as a really big shotgun, for deer. (Key sentences from the writeup: A minimum distance of 100 yards is a "must" for reasonable meat recovery. Your goal is to shoot the deer with your mountain howitzer, not pulverize him.)


Posted by: ajay | Link to this comment | 10- 5-11 9:49 AM
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22: From your link: ...very little extended meat damage. A worthy goal for us all, I think.


Posted by: togolosh | Link to this comment | 10- 5-11 3:23 PM
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23: my favourite part of that lunatic page is the lengthy advice on how to, basically, look innocent and say "Bang? What bang?" to the game warden as the immense cloud of powder smoke drifts slowly down the valley beside you.
I notice that since I first read it he has added advice on how to hunt feral cats with a mortar.


Posted by: ajay | Link to this comment | 10- 6-11 1:35 AM
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tripod-mounted belt-fed automatic shotgun here. Which, let's face it, is what alameidaany sane person would probably want in a decorative if not an functional capacity at her funeral anyway.


Posted by: ajay | Link to this comment | 10- 6-11 1:38 AM
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I want that, for sure, but I really want a sentient AI drone with knife missiles.


Posted by: alameida | Link to this comment | 10- 6-11 3:21 AM
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26: It'll cost you. Those things don't qualify for SuperSaver Shipping on amazon.


Posted by: Knecht Ruprecht | Link to this comment | 10- 6-11 4:18 AM
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And would madam prefer the Flere-Imsaho "irritatingly gauche", the the Mawhrin-Skel "psychotically antisocial", the Unaha-Closp "panicky and whiny" or the Skaffen-Amtiskaw "unbelievably camp"?


Posted by: ajay | Link to this comment | 10- 6-11 4:29 AM
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I think I'll take the Mawhrin-Skel "psychotically antisocial." it'll be a challenge making friends, and I respond well to cold, emotionally distant people whose attention I must painstakingly earn. plus, I kind of think psychotic=hott for some poorly understood reason. it's a problem, but whaddya gonna do?


Posted by: alameida | Link to this comment | 10- 6-11 4:47 AM
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Wait another year -- the prices are tumbling 40% annually, while the knife-throw rates keep getting higher.

When Samsung gets in with the mass-market "Vaguely Sinister Loner", that's when to buy.


Posted by: Knecht Ruprecht | Link to this comment | 10- 6-11 5:02 AM
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Plus having a drone that liked interrupting parties by screaming abuse, glowing white and then exceeding Mach 1 vertically upwards would be a good conversation starter.


Posted by: ajay | Link to this comment | 10- 6-11 5:03 AM
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When Samsung gets in with the mass-market "Vaguely Sinister Loner",

Definitely an ROU.


Posted by: ajay | Link to this comment | 10- 6-11 5:04 AM
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32: for sure.


Posted by: alameida | Link to this comment | 10- 6-11 6:34 AM
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Now I've started to think along those lines, names like the GCU Standpipe Bridgeplate and the ROU Heebie-Geebie are coming to mind.


Posted by: ajay | Link to this comment | 10- 6-11 7:39 AM
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ooh, nice ones! can I be in special circumstances? can I? can I? I'm promise I'm poorly adjusted.


Posted by: alameida | Link to this comment | 10- 6-11 8:13 AM
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36

alameida is Ulver Seich!


Posted by: ajay | Link to this comment | 10- 6-11 8:57 AM
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37

GSV Who Wants To Sex Mutombo? as well, of course.


Posted by: ajay | Link to this comment | 10- 6-11 8:58 AM
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38

37, et cetera. Wow. Suddenly it is so obvious. This also explains ToS. I wonder which class?


Posted by: md 20/400 | Link to this comment | 10- 6-11 9:30 AM
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peace loving types always love drones, even when they have mere hellfire missles: "If fight we must, then bring them on. Make more drones."

it is a weird fact about afghanistan that at any given time there might be 4-5 drones in sight, as they fly very slowly. non-peace loving types of my acquaintance find looking up and seeing them "comforting."


Posted by: alameida | Link to this comment | 10- 6-11 7:04 PM
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I personally think the GSV who wants to sex mutumbo is an up-and-comer, and might even be an orbital mind someday!


Posted by: alameida | Link to this comment | 10- 6-11 7:07 PM
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39: all watched over by machines of loving grace, eh?


Posted by: ajay | Link to this comment | 10- 6-11 11:17 PM
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This thread is why I try not to read unfogged before breakfast because it makes the papers look so fucking boring. I want that cannon, loaded with my ashes; I just don't know where to fire it.


Posted by: Nworb Werdna | Link to this comment | 10- 7-11 12:30 AM
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we aim to please. until we make the news look too boring, and then we redact everything.


Posted by: alameida | Link to this comment | 10- 7-11 12:48 AM
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GSV Who Wants To Sex Mutombo? as well, of course.

I almost wish I had had liquid in my mouth, in order to spit it out, because that would have been the only appropriate response to such hilarity.


Posted by: x.trapnel | Link to this comment | 10- 7-11 1:14 AM
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I mean, as I read it. Which I think was implied. Goddamnit.


Posted by: x.trapnel | Link to this comment | 10- 7-11 1:14 AM
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ROU reset the tivo


Posted by: alameida | Link to this comment | 10- 7-11 4:01 AM
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