Dude, pacing. Also, where's my off-blog communication?
Boy, I regret leaving 1 now that I've read the actual post. I'll leave it up, though, as a monument to my sensitivity and discretion.
Somebody had to break the uncomfortable silence, Ben.
c'mon, apo, follow your heart and root for team fucked-up-wasted.
Giant grain of salt because I know you through the filter of an internet persona you have described as somewhat fictional, so take this or leave it, but the way you're talking about benzos makes it sound like you might should give this whole thing some thought. As you know, a $70 straw of dope is not in all ways unlike a fistful of klonopin just because one of them is from the street and the other from the pharmacy. I'm sure you know your own deal with all of this, but read what you wrote once more before you head to the psychiatrist.
I thought about going presidential because there's a funny boundary involved here, but...I decided that would make it look like I was taking a shot at you.
and I've lost weight, but not my ability to do my lashes in the moving taxi (in the fashion outlined below). and I think we all know what's really important.
Good luck, al. If I were to presume to offer advice*, that advice would be to approach this all in a spirit of humility. Super-smart, competent, aware people sometimes have a hard time taking guidance from professionals who are objectively less smart, competent and aware. But sometimes an outsider's view is really useful.
Also: I've found it's lucky to be married in situations like this, if you've married somebody who has his or her shit together.
*which I won't do because I honestly don't have a clue what you're going through.
smearcase: they are different because I just don't get high on klonopin. it's less dangerous than the valiumevrn, from this point of view. I might feel at increasing removes from the physical world, but not in a fun way, merely a clinical way. OK, soothing, but no rush. that would be a lot different from dicking around in a country with 10 billion non-uniformed cops and the death penalty for drugs, and really taking the trouble to go get works, etc etc all of which would indicate a much, much more serious desire to BURN SHIT DOWN at house alameida.
Ok. Seemed worth saying. For me, soothing would be a very addictive quality so I guess I was projecting.
pf: I am married to a sane, stable person who has his shit together, which is a great blessing. however, he has a certain desire to look away from real, terrible danger, in the interests of maintaining the fiction that I am stipulatively "fine" now. really walking around thinking your beloved wife is bugfuck crazy would be disturbing. wouldn't it be nicer if she were all fine now and not at any serious risk of impulsively offing herself? she seems fine, after all.
(11 meant very fondly, as I hope would be evident.)
also, hilariously, I may be more like my internet persona than my RL persona. I am able to marginally reflect on things after I have written them down, but I pretty much am this crazy. also artful, sure. unreliable narrator? somewhat, sure. but if anything, more truthful than not. and by "hilariously" I meant "heart-breakingly." as long as we don't get any more psych ward live-blogging, let's just chalk this up as a win, OK? someone not on the phone in the doctor's waiting room find the comment for me where ogged complained he had been lured into taking me on as a cob-logger before I got sober and less entertaining, such that it had been under false pretenses. because that was funny.
11: I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about. hey did I tell you guys how great these beautiful wall stickers I got from etsy for my client are? tiny decals with minuscule leaves and details, which you must line up perfectly? suckers sensible people use the transfer paper, while others cut the bits out and freehand them together over the course of 20+ hours.
also, hilariously, I may be more like my internet persona than my RL persona.
I know this feeling. I hope you find your way back to boring.
someone not on the phone in the doctor's waiting room find the comment for me where ogged complained he had been lured into taking me on as a cob-logger before I got sober and less entertaining
I recall being quite impressed when told how the quest for the mythical Blogger with Ovaries ended.
Yeah, you're hilarious. It's the funny of watching someone clowning around on a high wire, there's apprehension too. So, since there's nothing I can do besides wishing you well, that's what I will do.
however, he has a certain desire to look away from real, terrible danger, in the interests of maintaining the fiction that I am stipulatively "fine" now. really walking around thinking your beloved wife is bugfuck crazy would be disturbing.
I feel slightly more competent* to comment on this, because this is the sort of husband I am - a nice guy, and not stupid, but too slow to realize when circumstances have taken a sharp turn into dangerous territory**.
Yes, his equilibrium will be thrown off, and he won't like it, and if he's like me, he may even resist somewhat. But he really, really, really wants to know what's going on with you.
*but not actually competent. It's pretty much inevitable that if I continue to engage you on this, I'm going to say something grossly insensitive and wrong. Because I really haven't walked in your shoes.
**Each of my children has been involved in serious medical situations - a chronic blood disorder and a breathing obstruction that required surgery - that I simply would not have recognized without my wife to clue me in. I am deeply grateful that I've got a wife who insists that I pay attention to what's going on.
Are you going to the primary care/medical doctor first or after you see your pdoc? Is there any way to see the psych and have a conference call with your pdoc?
And I know about stable people not wanting to see some of the more awful stuff. In my case, occasionally, it's because hethink's it's his fault for not being able to take the pain away now that things are stable.
Looklike you're tripping out if you are. The biggest mistake of my life was tryingn to look better than I was when dealing with mental health people. This usually took the form of, "her is a list of all the reasons why I am struggling,please help." But because I'd made such an effort to put it together,they thought I was fine. It cca't be just what you say. They have to see it too.
Is there some kind of non-hospital, semi supervised half-way house-ish resspite you can go too, cause it could help?
Take care and be safe
I've talked to my husband and he really is sympathetic, but, for example, I am afraid to cry as much as I'd like to, even though I know it'd make me feel better, because he would find it upsetting. and I told him that, and he said, what kind of husband wouldn't be upset if his wife were crying? which, durr, I just want you to be there and for me not to have to worry about how you feel.
regular doctor over, got 20 xanax, so team burn shit down is up one. about to see psych, to whom I have vowed to tell the truth. and I currently intend to do so. it may be a mexican stand-off. possibly best depicted by heebie's chair.
They have to see it too.
You could bring some tiny decals with you to the doctor's office!
Good luck, al. Sounds like you're ready for this doctor visit and will handle it with aplomb.
Fuck! I hate that my keyboard sticks like that, and I look even more illiterate than I am.
Good luck, alameida.
I've talked to my husband and he really is sympathetic, but, for example, I am afraid to cry as much as I'd like to, even though I know it'd make me feel better, because he would find it upsetting. and I told him that, and he said, what kind of husband wouldn't be upset if his wife were crying? which, durr, I just want you to be there and for me not to have to worry about how you feel.
I have some experience of being the stable one in this situation, and it really is ok. It's not happy-making when your spouse is really unhappy and you can't fix it, but there really truly is no blame attached to needing support/to cry/to pound the walls/whatever. Part of the whole being stable thing is having some ability to pick up some of the excess bad shit and just cope with it.
OK, told psych the truth, she doesn't care about the xanax up to a point as long as I'm not making active plans to off myself. I have started stepping down on the valium for the last 2 nights (from 3 to 4), which she wants me to continue, but slowly. I have to go see her every week and think about my inner child and shit.
fucking inner child bullshit, ok. she has been laboring under a serious misapprehension of how abusive my childhood was because I always minimize it. being made to watch him hurt my brother was always the worst part, because I felt complicity. I would take any amount of other shit over that. seriously, sign me up to get molested, instead of that. somehow I never thought how sadistic that was, to make you watch someone you love get tortured; it's kind of famously the worst ever. why my friend who actually tortures people should be so helpful in causing me to realize this I can't imagine. no, wait a second, I CAN imagine!! to be rigorously fair I think he hands them over to be tortured. and then I found 5 xanax.
alameida! I have the exact drug for you, and evidence suggests that it is the most addictive high of all. That drug is called trolling. You must exploit your unreliable narrator skills to create a fake persona and use it to troll the "We are the 53%" tumblr.
man, my husband has such mad trolling skills he has trolled mcmanus. I ain't getting in the ring with that.
That's like someone refusing to get high because someone else is better at getting high.
Maybe that would be an effective rehab program. "See this guy? He's just awesome at getting high. Look, you can barely see the needle marks! You suck at it, though so you better find something else to do with your time."
Trolls of unusual skills? I don't believe they exist.
ok. she has been laboring under a serious misapprehension of how abusive my childhood was because I always minimize it.
Not telling shrinks that shit can get you in a lot of trouble. Really glad that you did open up about it a bit.
Not telling shrinks that shit can get you in a lot of trouble
Not just shrinks, either, imho. Enough second-guessing can turn any relationship dreadful.
29: If bob were really a fan of movies, he'd have recognized his cue.
Trolling mcmanus doesn't look like it would be that hard. (Not that I have ever tried my hand at trolling, he added primly.)
& chiming in on behalf of the other comparatively-stable-one-in-this-relationship people: level with husband X!
32:I don't really understand that use of the word "troll." I think you can troll a group or blog, nut since trolling is about disrupting a conversation or discourse, I don't understand how you troll an individual. Trolling is not stalking, insulting, or attacking, at least in it's purposes and intent.
Socrates was a troll of exceptional skill. "Well, wtf is "justice" anyways? How can we no if there was an injustice if we don't even know what justice is?"
Feminism, anti-racism, anti-colonialism are in certain hostile contexts, trolling. "Wait, we weren't talking about that."
The exceptionally skilled troll shifts the discourse orthogonally while keeping the flow going smoothly and the participants relaxed and conversing. In this sense Socrates perhaps not so good because conversations devolved to dialogues. But Socrates' point was the agon anyway, not wisdom.
Imagine a group of drunken brutes shifting to a discussion of male privilege at a strip club, and believing they initiated the subject, and you can imagine the perfect troll.
All knowledge and wisdom are advanced only by trolling. It cannot be otherwise.
level with husband X
Learn from the experience with the first IX.
Last night I thought about bringing up the Free Trade Agreements passed by Congress in bipartisan comity last night in the "Yet Another Stupid Republican Tricks Thread" but since that thread was to an extent about class and tribalism I thought the Seymour on Poulantzas post about class structures might be less...jarring and thereby possibly more readily nudge people to a small shift in perspective.
I am really not a good troll, by my own standards.
Socrates was a troll of exceptional skill
I've seen that one done better.
35: it will be a triumph of hope.
Yes, but what did Socrates know about squirrels, bob? WE MUST KNOW TELL US.
In retrospect, that looks like somebody who fixes teeth.
The mental image of a robot mouse flossing is unexpectedly adorable.
Little mouse hands do look especially suited to holding floss.
There is absolutely nothing in that article the explains the usage "trolling an individual"
It also approaches a start of a sane analysis, but doesn't go very far in suggesting how problems of epistemic closure, cognitive biases, or tribal identities/prejudices are overcome without trolls.
And I do absolutely none of the typical "trolling for its own sake" described, like visiting Twilight forums. I am for the most part dedicated to bringing socialist theory to the petty bourgeois.
You visit Twilight forums with earnest interest?
fistfuls of delicious, zombifying kolonpin
Surely the mineshaft can come up with an extremely satisfying translation of "kolonpin".
Kolonpins are what you aim for when you have a bowl movement.
I was thinking something more along the lines of a German medical/fetish device.
Little mouse hands do look especially suited to holding floss.
I may be more like my internet persona than my RL persona. I am able to marginally reflect on things after I have written them down, but I pretty much am this crazy.
Yea, but as you've mentioned, it can be hard to let the crazy out completely with loved ones.
At the Mineshaft, the crowd cheers for you to let out the crazy.*
*Of course, Biohazard is correct in 17 too.
Thinking about you, Al. Hang tough and give that inner child a hug from me.
talked with husband x, told him some horrifying stories, actually cried a little while, and am taking only 3 valium. (sad story: my stepfather threw my kitten against the wall really hard, like a rag doll, and I didn't know if he was badly hurt inside, and they wouldn't let me take him to the vet because the vet would ask what happened. I just had to hold him and hope he lived. he was messed up for a few days but he was ok in the end. but WHO THE FUCK HURTS KITTENS JUST TO HURT A KID?//!!11 FUCKING JEFFREY DAHMER IS WHO.)
my doctor says there's no difference really and that as valium breaks down into klonopin when it does its work my brother's distinction is bullshit. I think she hasn't taken enough drugs, frankly. I guess there's no harm in this inner child bullshit. no, there's the harm of having to think about all this awful stuff I don't want to think about. FUCK THAT STUFF. I'll give it a try, though, it seems like the alternative is an episode of severe depression.
WHO THE FUCK HURTS KITTENS JUST TO HURT A KID?
WHO THE FUCK WANTS TO HURT A KID IN THE FIRST PLACE?
talked with husband x, told him some horrifying stories, actually cried a little while
This is good.
Yeah, you're hilarious. It's the funny of watching someone clowning around on a high wire, there's apprehension too. So, since there's nothing I can do besides wishing you well, that's what I will do.
Seconded.
Third. I don't comment much, and even my lurking is kind of irregular, so I'm going to presume to speak for a large-ish group of people in my position who, whenever we come across a post or comment you've left, read with affection, hopes that you find your way to a place where you can be both safe and happy, and vague wishes that there were something we could do to help you get there. Really, I think there are a lot of us.
I have comment next-to-never but think of you, often, which is a weird thing abstractly, but it makes sense enough because I am so invested in convincing myself the people-who-could-semiaccidentally-destroy-everything-they-care-about-(maybe have!)-with-the-flip-of-a-switch-and-also-let's-talk-about-the-Phaedrus are good and worthy and lovely and have their place but ALSO have a right/duty to care for themselves and not just be bewitching objects of contemplation team but also I hope I care partly out of just normal human empathy. And anyway, I am thinking of you now too. And also you probably know all of this times 10, but the extended release Xanax was a lifesaver for me--Klonopin is a downer, Xanax has sort of anti-depressant as well as benzo qualities but half-life is short, so habit forming, but they make it in a special shell! So it's got the happy-calm of the Xanax without the MORE NOW MORE NOW. Is this an American only thing? The drug formulation, not the feeling. Anyway, hand-squeeze. Fight like a cornered wolverine.
Alameida, is your Unfogged email working? I just tried to send you a message there, but it seems to have gotten bounced. If there's a better address to use, could you maybe email it to me at the linked address? Thanks.
it's supposed to forward? try sending to wolfson and asking him to forward it. he's like, my amanuensis or some shit.
it's supposed to forward
No, you'll have to set up POP retrieval yourself, per previously distributed instructions. If you like, though, I can go into the server and find toops' email to you; I promise I won't be intrusive.
Sorry, should've included the "?" there.
Neb, if you can find it and forward it along, I'd appreciate it. Thanks.
I see no email in the relevant directory.
In fact things were set up incorrectly so you should've gotten a bounce. You can try sending it again, but al still won't get it.
Neb, yeah, that's what I meant--I got a failure notice. Anyway, I just tried resending it to you, so maybe you can pass it along to Al now. Thanks again.
(let me clarify that by "al still won't get it" I mean: even though I've now corrected the configuration, we aren't doing automatic forwarding; instead, messages have to be affirmatively downloaded using POP. Since al isn't set up for that, she still won't get it (though she will get and has gotten the particular email in question since I did as toops asked and forwarded it).)
Incidentally, toops, when I tried to email you to tell you I'd forwarded your message on, I got ... bounced!