Re: Misguided

1

Hott!


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 12:36 PM
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This is going to descend into the lowest of menstruation-associated "wit" and punnery, isn't it?


Posted by: Flippanter | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 12:38 PM
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The Yellow Humorless Feminists of Texas beat the belles of Tennessee.


Posted by: Robert Halford | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 12:40 PM
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A snappier response is needed. Why not have some student group declare a simultaneous Men's Week, and give all the men yellow roses, too? Fresh flowers are swell (though probably shipped in from far away, this time of year; maybe not in Texas).


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 12:44 PM
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For the record, I find the discomfort of my colleagues to be very funny.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 12:44 PM
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aggravated facebook statuses from the Women's Studies professors

Like what?


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 12:46 PM
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Am I right in guessing that it used to be "Ladies' Week"?


Posted by: Minivet | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 12:48 PM
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The Women's Studies professors should organize the creation of some kind of giant mandala of feminine symbols out of yellow rose petals. Draw a big outline somewhere, and encourage women to shred their roses and strew them to make an ephemeral artwork.

I'm not sure exactly what this would mean or accomplish, but it'd be a response.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 12:48 PM
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It's kind of a fascinating history, actually. The "Yellow Rose" was actually a mulatto woman/possible sex slave (hence, the "Yellow Rose") who seduced Santa Ana before the battle of San Jacinto.


Posted by: Robert Halford | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 12:49 PM
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I don't understand comment 2 at all.


Posted by: urple | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 12:51 PM
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Flippanter appears to have confused menstruation with urinary incontinence.

Or something.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 12:53 PM
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Knowing the history, the implication is that the "belles of Tennessee" were other imported slaves/sex slaves who were also trying to seduce Santa Ana. Or something? I want to know more about this.


Posted by: Robert Halford | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 12:54 PM
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Sea cucumbers have yellow blood, but I don't think they have menstrual cycles.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 12:54 PM
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Like what?

The poster from Teeth photoshopped to change the color of the rose, one hopes.


Posted by: Jesus McQueen | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 12:56 PM
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should organize the creation of some kind of giant mandala
why it should be used to symbolize something meaningless? you too say insensitive things and now expect it to be funny and nobody objects
i need to say that i find it objectionable to be called on this site as horrible and crass and other fine insults as what was said, i should go to kick me some goats heads?! and I demand their apology, from the people who said me so


Posted by: read | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 12:56 PM
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Also, from Wookieepedia: "Yellow-blood Malaise was a disease that was often fatal if contracted by a Wookiee."


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 12:58 PM
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The Women's Studies professors should organize the creation of some kind of giant mandala of feminine symbols out of yellow rose petals.

Or build a giant paper-mache heathen god and ask women to sacrifice and dismember the roses for the petals in some dadaist ritual.


Posted by: Jackmormon | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 12:58 PM
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15: Who said a mandala was meaningless? I'm not an artist, I just thought the rose petals would make a fine medium for an ephemeral piece of art, and repurposing a gift that the recipients found offensive into something that they found meaningful also seemed like a good idea.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 1:00 PM
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I like the traditional interpretation -- the men's group is calling the female professors on campus mulatto sex slaves who are willing to sacrifice their bodies for the good of Texas by sleeping with Mexicans.

It's kinda awesome, actually.


Posted by: Robert Halford | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 1:02 PM
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by sleeping with Mexicans

¡Siesta!


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 1:04 PM
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Is there a student group dedicated to the appreciation of the Norwegian band, Mayhem? Because the aggrieved could forward the gifted flowers to that group. You know, in order to put the petal to the metal.


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 1:04 PM
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I have a funny/maddening link from Heebie U, but don't want to commit a WIE.


Posted by: Merganser | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 1:05 PM
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Something Indiscretion Error? What's the W?

Anyway now I'm all curious, you should email me. Email address visible on this comment.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 1:07 PM
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W-lfs-n!

Sending you email now.


Posted by: Merganser | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 1:08 PM
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nosfloW, I think, but I don't know why.


Posted by: E. Messily | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 1:08 PM
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It's kind of a fascinating history, actually.

Personal trivia: this comment, on that subject, was one of my earliest comments here.

I'm happy to say that, in my opinion, my comments have improved since then.


Posted by: NickS | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 1:12 PM
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and comments here are all some concealed racist things to say, what is it, yellow flowers symbolizing mulatto/ slave sex, yellow blood? etc
and it's perfectly well accepted to say such things around here and that is even that, good manners, fine humor, cultural norms etc
i couldn't bear to read a thread on mixed couples movies, such racism in every other comment even if just mentioning this or other movie, if one mentions it it means one notices racism in there and finds obliged to pass on that as a comment


Posted by: read | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 1:12 PM
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I can't remember, but he arguably spilled the beans on someone's identity way back in the dawn of blog. Only arguably, though.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 1:12 PM
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27: I'm not sure what you mean by 'concealed' in that comment. "The Yellow Rose Of Texas" is a currently well known song, and the song is the reason that students at Heebie's university in Texas think it makes sense to hand out specifically yellow roses to female professors and staff. While it has no explicit racial content now, appears to in its original version to have been about a mixed-race prostitute, and Halford brought that history up, implicitly because the students handing the roses out don't know the history.

Which comments do you think shouldn't have been made?


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 1:19 PM
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30

OW! STOP THAT!


Posted by: Opinionated Goats Head | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 1:19 PM
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I got mine, is all I'm saying.

This thought has caused many male-female problems.


Posted by: will | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 1:21 PM
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really, Biohazard, i didn't expect you of all saying me so!
from sifu or other fine gentlemen around here that's perhaps their code of conduct around colored women to call them horrible and crass at every convenient moment, that's the matter of their conscience


Posted by: read | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 1:23 PM
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33

I can only remember one instance in Unfogged history where someone accused everyone of a different cultural background of being horrible.


Posted by: essear | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 1:26 PM
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34

The WIE has a rich history.


Posted by: urple | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 1:27 PM
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35

Via Merganser:

[This group] is holding a panel where important topics to women will be discussed. Afterwards, there will be a random drawing for a spa day and Victoria's Secret gift cards.

Lightly google-proofed, but essentially unchanged from the group's calendar listing.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 1:28 PM
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Actually, the "Yellow Rose of Texas" was originally the "Yellow Rose of S├╝khbaatar" and is explicitly about Sam Houston's desire to enslave Mongolian women. Most Americans are well aware of this history, though they don't admit it in the presence of a Mongolian. We sing it while drinking a mixture of cranberry juice and vodka from a goat's skull while spitting on an image of various Tibetan Lamas to indicate our contempt for all things Mongolians hold sacred. No one will admit this to your face, read, but that is what is going on behind the scenes. It's worse than you can imagine.


Posted by: Robert Halford | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 1:28 PM
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"The Yellow Rose Of Texas" is a currently well known song

For some value of "well known", I suppose this must be right.


Posted by: urple | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 1:29 PM
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38

27 right, now you will explain me of course all ABCs, while for you what is or not implied by a joke is perfectly clear, as if i don't know that all your jokes have two sides to safely revert to, because all of them are cruel in nature otherwise it's not a joke for you all and should be sarcastic which means should be that, two-faced as a prerequisite


Posted by: read | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 1:30 PM
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39

colored women

Ahem.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 1:30 PM
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Halford, your jokes are inacceptable for me, please, shut up


Posted by: read | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 1:31 PM
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41

Unfogged 2009 really wasn't the best vintage, was it?


Posted by: essear | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 1:33 PM
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Read, I don't usually engage you, but you might want to either get some help with your psychosis and language skills, or go elsewhere for fun (or both).


Posted by: Robert Halford | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 1:34 PM
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38: Okay, I can't keep you from thinking whatever you like. Enjoy your continued reading of the site.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 1:35 PM
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44

so you don't like to be told to shut up too? not by your will, Halford, not by your will to decide where i go or not
if ToS can do, I can too, so bear with me


Posted by: read | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 1:35 PM
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45

I was never one of read's defenders, but in fairness to those who were, she wasn't this bad back in the day.


Posted by: politicalfootball | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 1:36 PM
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46

yes, I will enjoy reading the site and say out loud whatever i would find objectionable, thanks!


Posted by: read | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 1:37 PM
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Yes, I sort of defended her back in the day. Whoops.


Posted by: Robert Halford | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 1:37 PM
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Read, even if your own contributions consisted of something other than insults and delusional accusations of evil, you wouldn't be able to convince an entire website's worth of people to shut up.


Posted by: Cryptic ned | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 1:38 PM
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I mean, the best strategy is just to ignore, so that's what I'll move back to doing, and I'd hope everyone else will, too.


Posted by: Robert Halford | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 1:38 PM
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Read, I strongly encourage you to say whatever you like out loud! That's actually probably healthier than typing it here.


Posted by: emdash | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 1:38 PM
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51

Something seems to have happened with read, yes. I can't figure out what the reference to Biohazard in 32 is about.


Posted by: parsimon | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 1:39 PM
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15: I am very sorry that you are horrible and crass.


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 1:39 PM
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saying out loud means typing here if you didn't understand, emdash
oh, fun, now everybody will pile on to show how they are collectively so enjoy bullying


Posted by: read | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 1:40 PM
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51: http://www.unfogged.com/archives/comments_11675.html#1368482


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 1:41 PM
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mind your business, DK, i wouldn't engage fragile and fine ladies of unfogged


Posted by: read | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 1:41 PM
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Jesus fucking christ.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 1:42 PM
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51: In fairness to the people who weren't defenders of read, she was fully capable of being this awful back in the day. But yeah, I kind of wonder if there's been a stroke or a car accident or some other kind of brain damage in the interim.


Posted by: politicalfootball | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 1:42 PM
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45; Yeah, the first long period of time she was here, she was often interesting and rarely hostile.

Read- if you just came back to be continuously hostile, eventually we're going to get bored with it and start deleting your posts. I'm sorry if that turns out to be the case.

If you're interested in talking to people reasonably, that's fine as well.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 1:42 PM
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Read, I strongly encourage you to say whatever you like out loud! That's actually probably healthier than typing it here.

This sounds like the reasonable and evenly modulated tone of the parent of 3-year-olds.


Posted by: Blume | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 1:43 PM
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CN too, ignore me, if it is possible, i've found your interest in native people of Siberia and their literature welcoming, back then, so don't spoil that impression of you for me


Posted by: read | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 1:44 PM
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The Spanish language wikipedia page on Texan independence is quite different from the English one. There's a lot of emphasis on early US settlers being in Texas illegaly.


Posted by: lw | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 1:46 PM
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as i said, id ToS can do it, I can too
if my every attempt of communication gets hostile response, i will play my role of a troll, horrble and crass as expected


Posted by: read | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 1:46 PM
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54: Oh. Right. Thanks.


Posted by: parsimon | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 1:46 PM
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45: That really depends on what you mean by back in the day. I did kind of think taunting me about whether a dear friend who'd threatened suicide had done so yet was "this bad." But I'm notoriously oversensitive, so...


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 1:47 PM
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64: Right. I should have said "wasn't this consistently or continuously or relentlessly bad." I tried to cover for my omission in 57.


Posted by: politicalfootball | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 1:49 PM
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It hardly needs to be said that when TOS is your role model, something has gone wrong.


Posted by: urple | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 1:53 PM
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67

You have to admit that his commitment's impressive. It's been years he's been getting deleted here.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 1:55 PM
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For the record, I find the discomfort of my colleagues to be very funny.

I'm a little curious which part you find amusing. I don't want to be feministier-than-thou, but I think I can identify with a little vexation on the part of Women's Studies profs.


Posted by: politicalfootball | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 1:56 PM
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I am disproportionately proud that I seem to be the ToS's favorite. (From comments that were tragically deleted, so that I cannot re-read them every day refer to them now.) But then I wonder whether he's realized I'm Jewish.


Posted by: Megan | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 2:00 PM
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Yeah, I get a little irked by the roses-for-the-wimminz from our building's management company every Valentine's Day (I don't want a cheapo gas-station rose!) and that's supposed to a backwards patriarchal day.


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 2:00 PM
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so you don't allow me to comment, that's cowardly,ToS can comment even though he gets deleted, but i can't, so i must be really is perceived as a threat
can't say it's not satisfying somehow


Posted by: read | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 2:01 PM
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72

Read, please stop.


Posted by: nosflow | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 2:03 PM
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71: I'd rather you got your satisfaction from talking to people, but if you find being constantly hostile more satisfying, I can't make you change that decision. I am sorry things have worked out this way - I liked having you comment here in the past.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 2:04 PM
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68:Yeah, I'm wit the feminists! Also, is h-g messing here with sacred Texas symbols?

I'm feeling, I don't know, a little redundant, superfluous, unneeded today. Like a pimple on a wart.

Obama FHFA ReFi Plan will "Reps and Warranties" get lawyerly parts of the Unfoggedetariat excited? Pssst...over here, r's and w's for sale. dirt cheap. only used twice.

No principal writedowns. Nothing but corruption and exploitation, all the way up.


Posted by: bob mcmanus | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 2:05 PM
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57, 58:

I think this from 46 explains it all:

and say out loud whatever i would find objectionable

The plain meaning here is that read thinks of whatever comment would be most objectionable to her, and writes it. Now that read's had the chance to absorb the norms here, she is better able to hit the nail on the head and consistently produce comments that are not only objectionable to herself, but to the rest of us as well.

So in a way this is a sign of progress...


Posted by: Benquo | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 2:06 PM
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Read, I was the one who blocked your IP address, so if you would like to discuss cowardice, you can direct that conversation toward me. I semi-regularly add the proxies that ToS comments through to the blocked list as well, but since it's easy enough to switch proxies, I really only do it to provide what fleeting annoyance to him that I can.

I do not think you are here to add anything to the conversation, but only to troll for material to fuel your persecution complex. I don't believe this has anything to do with your race or your national origin or cultural misunderstanding; you're an educated woman who has lived here long enough to know exactly what you are doing.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 2:11 PM
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74:I also didn't catch whether the refis will change non-recourse into recourse. That was the case with most previous plans.

So you are in a house you mortgaged for 500k that is now appraised at 100k in the new market and Obama will help you get a new 500k lifetime debt at a slightly lower rate of interest. And I will bet the refi will be recourse, and of course the problem loan is shifted from the banks to the GSE's.

Most corrupt fucking President in history.


Posted by: bob mcmanus | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 2:13 PM
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74: I am all for finding a better model than Rep&Warrant in the future, but I am furious that they're giving the banks a pass on past behavior. The outstanding value of reps and warrants is humongous, and the liability is ultimately the public's to pay.

If uncertainty is the problem, maybe the banks should pay the GSEs to review their loans faster?


Posted by: Benquo | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 2:22 PM
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Sorry, that was a bit unclear. Fannie and Freddie's liabilities are ultimately the public's to pay. The rep&warrant giveaway adds directly to that liability.


Posted by: Benquo | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 2:23 PM
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I want to re-comment 35! Because it is so great, and it got lost in the shuffle.

Via Merganser:

[This group] is holding a panel where important topics to women will be discussed. Afterwards, there will be a random drawing for a spa day and Victoria's Secret gift cards.

From the calendar of the group in the OP.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 2:24 PM
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77: I thought recourse was a state-law issue.


Posted by: Benquo | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 2:24 PM
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35, 80: They'll be Queens For A Day!


Posted by: Natilo Paennim | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 2:25 PM
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Feminism be damned. I'll take the spa day!


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 2:26 PM
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72 do you too think i do not deserve an apology after being called horrible and crass? if so, i have nothing more to say, i'll go


Posted by: read | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 2:27 PM
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80: maybe they want to ensure they don't just end up preaching to the choir.

But, you know, I'd probably enjoy a spa day, if the patriarchy would let me have one.


Posted by: urple | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 2:27 PM
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Felix Salmon "Obama's Pathetic Refinancing Initiative"

Remember, IIRC, 7 big state AG's have pulled out of the robo-signing settlement, and a major fraud by bank case was moved into Federal Court last week. Or something, it is hard to remember all the shit hitting the bank fan.

This has Geithner all over it, and the reps and warranties are the major fucking purpose. Just fucking corruption, by executive order.

Get that evil SoB out of the Oval Office before he screws up anymore middle-class lives.


Posted by: bob mcmanus | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 2:30 PM
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I have been accidentally reading really ridiculous meanings into sentences a lot lately, so that [This group] is holding a panel had me imagining a group of people standing around holding a panel of plywood or something, that was going to be the site of the discussion.

This might not be as entertaining to other people as it is to me. Sucks to be them!


Posted by: E. Messily | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 2:31 PM
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88

As Salmon writes in the very article you link: "the sad fact is that anything more substantive than this is likely to require Congressional approval."


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 2:36 PM
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heebie: I just decided to add a third potato to a soup in which I'd only intended to use two potatoes. You see, a third fell out of the bag as I was retrieving the first two, and I felt bad about leaving it behind since it wanted to go with the others.


Posted by: oudemia | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 2:40 PM
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90

89: Please stop trying to provoke read.


Posted by: Natilo Paennim | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 2:42 PM
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89: This sounds like the beginning of an awesome parable.


Posted by: Merganser | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 2:42 PM
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88:Unclear to me if there is anything better to be done, I would have to go see if Randall Wray or William Black have had better ideas, or someone else in that crowd working out of a closet in Kansas City. But they are not going to get anywhere near policy, so it doesn't really matter.

But this is worse than nothing.

The Krug seems to like it, so opposition will fade fairly fast.


Posted by: bob mcmanus | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 2:42 PM
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You did the right thing, oudemia.


Posted by: Megan | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 2:44 PM
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94

I like the idea of a spa day AND I like yellow roses. (Take THAT!) But the whole ritual reminds me unpleasantly of the Mothers Day ritual at the Mormon ward, where children and young men go up the aisles and give roses to the mothers (and plausibly elderly women) as a formal acknowledgment of their saintly self-sacrifice. It's just very weird.


Posted by: Jackmormon | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 2:45 PM
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95

After they demonstrated such camaraderie oudemia should have pardoned them.


Posted by: Eggplant | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 2:46 PM
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96

Potatoes aren't sentient.


Posted by: urple | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 2:47 PM
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97

Pshaw. Next you'll be saying eggplants aren't sentient, and we know where that leads.


Posted by: Merganser | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 2:51 PM
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96: That doesn't mean I can't hurt their feelings through neglect, urple!


Posted by: oudemia | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 2:51 PM
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99

I think in fact that's precisely what it means!


Posted by: urple | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 2:55 PM
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100

Shows what you know. Hmph.


Posted by: oudemia | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 2:56 PM
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101

Right, urple, and carrots aren't sexy.


Posted by: Eggplant | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 2:58 PM
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87: isn't there a children's book that has page after page of metaphors understood too literally? exactly like this?


Posted by: k-sky | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 3:00 PM
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103

Amelia Bedelia and the sequels is one set of books like that, but I bet there are others.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 3:01 PM
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86: Make up your mind. We can't have your long awaited blood in the streets and traditional lamp-post decorations until the middle classes think they have nothing much to lose.


Posted by: Biohazard | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 3:02 PM
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And I am so fucking excited

puts just a ton of good work into explaining NGDP level targeting, which, since it's Drum, may be pseudo-comprehensible or something.

And Steve Randy Waldmann, who like posts once a year but the waits are worth it, jumps onto the NGDP bandwagon, and the thread is turning into a MMT versus MM cagematch!

God, life is so good some days.


Posted by: bob mcmanus | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 3:03 PM
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106

2: No, lower. For a bit there, anyway.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 3:04 PM
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107

What you should recite over potatoes before you eat them.


Posted by: E. Messily | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 3:05 PM
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108

You see, a third fell out of the bag as I was retrieving the first two, and I felt bad about leaving it behind since it wanted to go with the others.

You know I am now going to have nightmares about lonely potatoes, right?


Posted by: Mister Smearcase | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 3:09 PM
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THE DREAD OF THE ABANDONED POTATO

Alone. All alone. The linoleum stretches before me for eons, the ceiling is an infinity away, the cabinet toekick hosts only wisps of hair and a carrot peel. My eyes can see nospuddy else. I want only to follow my brethren to the cutting board and everlasting life.

I am alone, except for the quiet chitters of the mice behind the toekick.


Posted by: Chopper | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 3:26 PM
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Hey, look, read was randomly attacking me on a thread I'm not even in! Cool if we delete her comments or close the thread?

I kid, I kid.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 3:32 PM
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nospuddy else

Brilliant.


When at the supermarket, I sometimes sing quietly to myself, to the tune of the Mexican Hat Dance:

Poooooo
tayyyyy
to potato potato po-
-tato potato potato pota-
-to potato potato potato
potato potato potato.

I got caught once, but the woman looked bemused.


Posted by: Merganser | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 3:33 PM
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The well-intentioned idiocy of the yellow rose tradition would make me, I fear, utterly insane. I don't think I could handle the local culture of Teal U. (I forget how you were spelling your witty version of the name) with anything like the grace you do.

I also had no idea that "The Yellow Rose of Texas" had such a fascinating history-slash-preservation of unsavory terminology!


Posted by: redfoxtailshrub | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 3:56 PM
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Ah, hovertext.


Posted by: Minivet | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 4:16 PM
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51: I said something nasty to her several (I don't remember which one) threads back. On occasion I'm somewhat less than sweet and lovable


Posted by: Biohazard | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 4:16 PM
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It's gender-neutral.


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 4:38 PM
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I.
A potato sat in a plastic bag on a counter in a small kitchen in a New York apartment, looking out at the floor below. The cook had already picked out two of his fellows, and was preparing to wash, peel and slice them with a sharp chef's knife on the cutting board next to the bag. The cook, who may have been an academic in her professional life, considered the water already in the pot on the stove.

The potato that was left in the bag was of an average size, regular in shape and without any prominent eyes. The potato had grown on a farm in Maine, where, with several tens of thousands of his fellows, he had quietly absorbed water and nutrients from the soil, while the green leaves above him drew nourishment from the cool New England sun. It had been approximately five weeks since the farmer had dug him up with a large, red combine, transported him to a cooperative processing plant and then returned to his farm.

The potato considered his previous life, before the time spent in several tractor-trailers, and the agonizing wait on the shelf of the small corner market. The other potatoes in his bag were a mish-mash - all the same variety, and all from Maine, but only one other from his own farm, and their rows had not been close. The potato thought back to his time underground, the other potatoes he had been close to, the sensation of the fungicides and the nights when the world above most resembled the cool, dark environs of his home under the earth.

The potato thought ahead to the moment when he too would be washed, peeled and chopped. "Perhaps," he thought, "She'll wait too long, and I'll grow some eyes. She won't want to eat me then. Maybe she knows someone who has a community garden, someone who's looking for potatoes to plant. If I could contrive to stay back at the rear of the bag, she might not make any soup or chowder or potatoes au gratin for some time."

II.
Morris Plunkett was a Katahdin potato from a small but prosperous farm in Aroostook County. Being a variety primarily intended for boiling and baking, he was naturally interested in the culinary arts, and took pride in being able to name over 70 potato dishes commonly prepared in the Northeastern United States. Plunkett also considered himself something of an authority on potato growing, coming as he did from one of the original Katahdin lineages, and having no significant amount of deviation from the varietal standard. Although he would have of course been eager to volunteer for a dish prepared in a fine restaurant, he had always supposed that the superior breeding inherent in his make-up would cause the farmer to choose him for seed.

III.
One morning, as Plunkett and the other potatoes were discussing the possibility of an fungal outbreak in a nearby field which was of course of great concern to everyone in their neighborhood, a message came down the row that vibrations had been heard which indicated that a harvesting was imminent. As panic spread throughout the field, Plunkett considered the prospect that this might be his last day in the field. Although aware of the precariousness of his situation, he was also eager to move about in the world and see something beyond the local field which had been his home thus far.

IV.
As Plunkett watched the preparations of the chosen potatoes, he noticed that a slight settling of the other potatoes in his bag had caused his neighbors to begin nudging him inexorably toward the outer lip of the bag. Suddenly he was rolling along the counter, and then falling, falling through the air towards the bright white tiles of the floor. Then: Impact! But his journey had not yet come to an end. He was rolling at a great rate of speed towards the void between the stove and the refrigerator, where he could perceive a number of objects in various states of filth and decay. "To be peeled and chopped, that is only what I expected," he thought, "but to suffer the indignity of rotting until the apartment changes hands is ignominious. No, I will not rot, that is unfair."

V.
He had not noticed it previously, but there was a large cat moving through the kitchen as he rolled stove-ward. The cat, impelled as is customary for its species, to dart at and attack any small moving object, pounced. Just at that moment, Plunkett had come to rest at the tip of a metal spatula that had only just fallen out of the jar of cooking implements where it was usually stored. By some quirk of fate, the cat misjudged the distance between it and the potato. Leaping, it came down on the upraised flange of the spatula, which acted as a lever to propel Plunkett a surprising distance in the air. He flew upward, upward, engaging in an act of aerialism that was, if not quite impossible for one of his species, certainly very unlikely. With a mixture of excitement and dread, Plunkett realized that his flight path might take him right through the small casement window that opened onto an airshaft at the center of the apartment building. Just as he thought he was about to fly through it, however, he found himself descending, and came to rest on the narrow sill of the window. The cook moved towards him, but, tripping over the cat, who was still perturbed by the sudden launch of its vegetal prey, she, rather than grabbing him, nudged him just enough that he fell out of the window entirely, bounced off the supports of the fire escape, and fell all the way to the refuse-strewn ground below.

VI.
Although the cook stuck her head out of the window to watch his descent, she realized immediately that Plunkett was completely lost as an object for her gustation and that of her guests. Plunkett, meanwhile, had come to rest in a slight depression, perhaps even a hole, caused by the random accumulation of detritus hurled into the airshaft from above. Night fell, and Plunkett realized that he was completely free of human interference for the time being.
He considered how, as the seasons passed, more debris, most of it of an organic nature, such as leaves from Ailanthus altissima, the ubiquitous "Tree of Heaven", would accumulate over him, and in time the eyes he would grow would send out new roots and stalks and leaves. Enterprising foragers would spread the resulting potatoes, and in years to come a number of wastelands and abandoned gardens in Manhattan sported their own potato plants, the direct genetic heirs of Plunkett and his line.

VII.
As he lay in the depression, a sudden pressure afflicted him. A gush of cold water surrounded him, and he felt his skin being scraped from his body, and the bright white pain as something sliced him into smaller and smaller pieces.

VIII.
Morris Plunkett was soup. His pieces, denuded and diced, swirled in the boiling broth beneath the watchful eye of the cook.


Posted by: Natilo Paennim | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 5:16 PM
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Never let it be said that Natilo Paennim is unwilling to take a joke too far.


Posted by: Natilo Paennim | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 5:17 PM
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Holy shit, Natilo Paennim.


Posted by: E. Messily | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 5:22 PM
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Very nicely done, is what I meant to convey there.


Posted by: E. Messily | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 5:24 PM
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Bravo! Patatas bravas!


Posted by: oudemia | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 5:29 PM
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Applause.


Posted by: parsimon | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 5:30 PM
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If you are a published author, Nat, I wouldd very much like to buy your works. If you are not yet published, I think you should change that.


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 5:32 PM
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Natilo, have you read Henri Michaux's Plume? (Everyone should read Henri Michaux's Plume.)


Posted by: Jackmormon | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 5:36 PM
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Applause from me too.


Posted by: Biohazard | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 5:40 PM
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Upstaged! Brilliant.


Posted by: Chopper | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 5:42 PM
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Awesome. Spudtacular.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 5:44 PM
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The Decline and Fall of the Aroostookracy.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 5:47 PM
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I'm envisioning a sequel in which Arnold Schwarzenegger discovers that the sentient spuds have been replaced by replicants, as he shouts, "IT'S NOT A TUBER!"

Which is to say, I should definitely leave the fiction to Natilo's superior talents.


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 6:28 PM
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122: Actually, I have only ever written one piece for any publication that can be purchased. Everything else has been for free papers, zines and magazines. It is however, a humorous piece, so you might very well enjoy it. You can purchase the journal it appeared in, but it would probably be easier to get it from interlibrary loan if you have access to one that draws from academic libraries, or from JSTOR (although I'm not sure whether this issue is available from that service).

123: Nope, never heard of it. I will check it out though.


Posted by: Natilo Paennim | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 6:35 PM
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Oh man, you know what I just remembered? This is the same group that did the rent-a-student fundraiser, if you remember what I mean.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 6:48 PM
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130: So where do they go from there? Blackface minstrelsy? A skit about prison rape at the school talent show? Holocaust denialism? They're really kind of painting themselves into a corner here.


Posted by: Natilo Paennim | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 6:54 PM
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Panty raid for date-rape awareness.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 6:56 PM
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116 makes me want to try Atkins, for moral reasons.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 7:00 PM
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Fabulous, Paennim. (I miss your pseud written the other way around.)


Posted by: Bostoniangirl | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 7:01 PM
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133: I plan to eat nothing but paleoliths henceforth.


Posted by: Merganser | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 7:12 PM
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Hmm, on a second look, this might or might not be so bad:

So, earlier, I said "what's not to like." Here's what's not to like. The "reps and warranties" part of this. When you refinance a loan, you're essentially creating a new mortgage, unlike a loan modification, where you modify the old mortgage. Under the plan, the FHFA will eliminate their ability to force repurchases on these old loans, and they would lower their ability to force repurchases on the new loans created. There will be a "modest fee" associated with relieving these reps and warranties, according to Donovan, which won't be set until November 15. They will be lower than the current risk-based fees that Fannie and Freddie charge.

First of all, a refi always frees the previous lender from any rep and warrant liability. There's no loss taken on the old loan, so there's nothing to make whole on.

Second, this program is specifically for borrowers in good standing. If you're already delinquent, then you're at best looking at a mod, not a HARP refi. So there's not much given up there either - these aren't the loans where the bulk of rep and warrant liability resides.

So this really hangs on what "lower their ability to force repurchases on the new loans" really means.


Posted by: Benquo | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 7:12 PM
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The inner life of potatoes is just too rich.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 7:13 PM
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They're living in their own private Idaho?


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 7:25 PM
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Five Guys has a sign tell you where your potatoes are from. That's just cruel.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 7:28 PM
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You think that's cruel? My entire existence consists of grubby germified hands endlessly poking plastic costumes into my flesh, tarting me up at their whim.


Posted by: Mr. Potato Head | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 7:58 PM
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Lindsey Lohan had similar issues.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 10-24-11 8:02 PM
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Speaking of gender issues, it's pretty damn funny to try and get a description of a naked chick from a guy who's trying not to describe a woman in too appealing a way in front of his girlfriend.

It's not even his fault. Some crazy chick got into his house and proceeded to open a bottle of wine and then take a shower. Oh, and she brought her dog in with her. He comes home and thinks it's his girlfriend in the bathroom and opens the door to a naked female stranger fixing her hair. She takes off wearing not a whole lot of clothing but takes the dog with her. The crazy thing isn't a guess, she left behind a shit ton of medications including Lamictal, Oxy, Adderall, etc.

So when my buddy is trying to get a description and says "so is she heavy? thin? athletic? these panties are pretty small, she's got to be fairly skinny" and the guy looks at his girlfriend and then says "well, she's wasn't, uh, not in shape..." it's going to be very difficult for the cops to not laugh.

Crazy lady was pissed that her pills got booked into evidence. Should have answered your door you nut. Your dog was in the house so you obviously made it home just fine. The cops would much rather just give your meds back because booking things into evidence is a pain in the ass.


Posted by: gswift | Link to this comment | 10-25-11 12:27 AM
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142: outstanding story, gswift.

The guy's girlfriend must be amazingly credulous, because that sounds like the worst possible excuse for there being a naked woman in your house ever.


Posted by: ajay | Link to this comment | 10-25-11 1:23 AM
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Sea cucumbers have yellow blood, but I don't think they have menstrual cycles.

And horseshoe crabs have blue blood. Art project for somebody: take a sea cucumber, a horseshoe crab, any old mammal and a judicious quantity of some anticoagulant, and create a full range of pigments which you then use to paint terribly significant pictures that you sell to bored billionaires for any price you care to name.


Posted by: chris y | Link to this comment | 10-25-11 2:12 AM
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143. But it's such a terrible excuse that nobody would believe you were such a fool as to make it up; therefore it's probably true.


Posted by: chris y | Link to this comment | 10-25-11 2:14 AM
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"Must be true, she left a yellow rose behind when she ran off."


Posted by: ajay | Link to this comment | 10-25-11 3:10 AM
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143.2, 145: Maybe urple can adjudicate this.


Posted by: Mr. Blandings | Link to this comment | 10-25-11 3:51 AM
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because that sounds like the worst possible excuse for there being a naked woman in your house ever.

Ha, my buddy totally took him aside for a quick chat of "we're not going to tell your girlfriend so you need to tell us now if this is just you getting caught with another woman".


Posted by: gswift | Link to this comment | 10-25-11 6:08 AM
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||

WTF? I'm signing up for something legitimate, and the human verification box shows an advertisement, and it's asking me to type "The all-new Chevy Sonic".

|>


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 10-25-11 6:21 AM
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||

I tried to submit without doing it, in case it was just an extremely clever ad, and it dinged me and sent me back to do that part. Now it's an ad for Chevy Volt, asking me to type "Get Plugged In".

|>


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 10-25-11 6:22 AM
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I really resent being quizzed on whether or not I can digest an advertisement.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 10-25-11 6:22 AM
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Buy me or I'll haunt the whole of the internets.


Posted by: Opinionated Chevy Volt | Link to this comment | 10-25-11 6:24 AM
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148: and he lied to your buddy, because you can't trust anything cops say, because they lie as part of their job.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 10-25-11 6:25 AM
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(I mean, he probably didn't lie to your buddy, but seriously, why would anybody ever believe a cop when they say "we're not going to [ use the information you give us in some given way ]"? You'd have to be awfully gullible, right?


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 10-25-11 6:26 AM
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154: Cops have told me things like "If you leave right now, I didn't see that beer" and kept their word.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 10-25-11 6:37 AM
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You'd have to be awfully gullible, right?

If you've done something you can go to jail for then talking might not work out the way you want. But for minor stuff it's actually often better to just be honest. (not valid in Texas and the South)


Posted by: gswift | Link to this comment | 10-25-11 6:38 AM
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149-151: Argh. Oh my god, that would drive me insane. I've been approaching a breakdown recently at ads getting in the way, games asking for personal information, technology being unhelpful, etc. It really seems to be worse in stuff aimed at me recently.


Posted by: Cyrus | Link to this comment | 10-25-11 6:41 AM
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154: I think the deal is you have to independently figure out what the point of the cop lying to you would be. You're right that it would be insanely gullible for anyone to believe a cop if there were a law-enforcement related reason for them to be lying, but "If you tell us what's really going on, we won't rat you out to your girlfriend" is independently plausible. Same with Moby's story -- there's no reason for the cop to lie, because he could have just issued the citation for the open container.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 10-25-11 6:58 AM
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Open container and minor in possession.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 10-25-11 7:00 AM
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157: Yes, I still seem to be connecting to the zapposnet.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 10-25-11 7:00 AM
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I feel I should share with you this anecdote from the career of Orson Welles, who, as you know, was so angry at his studio's treatment of "The Magnificent Ambersons" that he broke his contract and announced that he would only be directing artistic movies from now on - he was sick of both the low popular taste of the American public and the studio bosses who pandered to it, or, as he put it, "Odi profanum vulgus et RKO".


Posted by: ajay | Link to this comment | 10-25-11 7:41 AM
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I had a coworker who claimed that he went out to his car one day after work and a woman somehow got in the backseat and started screaming at him so he had to call the cops.

I remain convinced it was a case of outcall prostitution gone bad.


Posted by: Winna | Link to this comment | 10-26-11 4:38 PM
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