Let's try to get this biathalon accepted first, Flip. We'll look at variations later.
I foresee some interesting new variations on those "athletic body type diversity" photos.
2: Reach, grasp, slap, tickle, heaven.
This is a good point. I don't think human women appreciate how enormous our cocks are compared to those of our near-relatives such as chimps and gorillas.
I don't think you understand sexual selection pressure, Ned.
Female gorilla actually don't care about size.
I had thought about the walking/running thing before (and it's come up here, too: the idea that, on the veldt, you didn't have to chase down prey through sheer speed—you just had to keep running until the prey got tired), but I hadn't thought about the reproduction bit. We really did populate the fuck out of this planet.
Gorillas don't care about the toppings on their ice cream sundaes either, but maybe they would if given the chance.
My theory is that the extinction of Neanderthals is linked to recent findings of interbreeding between species. Female Neanderthals refused to breed with their brethren once they experienced Homo sapiens's enormous cocks, and this existential crisis led male Neanderthals to start an all-out interspecies war, which they lost through force of numbers. Hopefully Philippe Rushton, Stephen A. Meigs and other scholars can start testing this hypothesis.
The proposal to the IRB would be...challenging.
Dear IRB,
I never thought it would happen to me...
but I hadn't thought about the reproduction bit. We really did populate the fuck out of this planet.
I don't think we filled up the planet by being good at fucking - we did it by figuring out how to make enough food and other resources to sustain a higher birthrate.
Aren't virtually all species, when taken as units, pretty much equally good at sex? It's something every species has had to optimize for its anatomy and niche since sexual reproduction came to be. I'd be interested in an elaboration from Stanley's friend.
Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe by sheer force of cultural sexual selection we made sex so much more enjoyable than for animals that we had to become dense-agriculturalists so there wouldn't be all those mood-killing dead babies everywhere.
You could probably get approval for showing various porn films to various gorillas.
13. What do call the act? The Pandas!
I wonder if pron-watching studies haven't already been done, tbh.
Aren't virtually all species, when taken as units, pretty much equally good at sex?
Sure, but he wasn't saying we were better than anyone else at it. Just that we had gotten good at it. It was not a comparative, across-species statement.
all those mood-killing dead babies everywhere
My understanding is that given the unfortunate combination of our giant heads necessary for our awesome brains and our comparatively small pelvises necessary for our bipedalism, there's a real likelihood of seeing dead women everywhere, so the sex has to seem extra-worthwhile.
Then does "getting good at it" even mean?
10: The friend (let's call him Mike) also told me that a neanderthal could probably beat up a typical homo sapien, at least based on size and strength. I'm not sure what that means for your theorized all-out interspecies war. I suppose we still could have won based on numbers and smarts.
21: Which alleviates the pelvis-skull problem! Of course.
I'm not sure what that means for your theorized all-out interspecies war. I suppose we still could have won based on numbers and smarts.
Smarts is a pretty big deal, especially when it means "better at projectile weapons".
19: Losing our penis/clitoral bones, apparently.
what had our bodies gotten really good at doing?
Team handball.
14: they do that for pandas I think. Not fOr titillation but for instruction.
25: it is a good game but I'd rather be good at the veldtenarian's examples.
13:we did it by figuring out how to make enough food and other resources to sustain a higher birthrate lower deathrate.
I can't believe anyone is saying humans are comparatively good at reproducing. Hell, cats can do 5-10 a year. Not to speak of houseflys.
Vaguely on topic, this confirms what I've always heard: The Olympic Village is one giant orgy.
I can't believe anyone is saying humans are comparatively good at reproducing.
There's no need to believe it; no one is claiming that.
We are damn good at walking, though.
Anybody ever run a man vs horse marathon?
Human vs Animal Endurance first good hit
Numbers-wise, primates aren't very big reproducers in any cases that I can think of. At least for the biggish ones.
@28
Orgies. How many other animals have you seen having group sex? This means if we add fucking to the Olympics, we'd need individual and team competitions.
Also, as I think 13 was getting at, pandas are bad at fucking. Very very bad. If they weren't so cute and representative of Chinese nationalism, they would be extinct by now.
32: Group sex isn't rare in animals.
@31
Yes, precisely. For our size, we're comparatively very good at reproducing. No other female large mammals (elephants, great apes, large cats) can regularly produce 10-20+ viable offspring over the course of a lifetime.
Also, like rats, we can survive on almost anything. Our omnivorousness and ability to adapt dietarily is mostly what contributed to our taking over the planet.
32: Group sex isn't rare in animals.
Pictures?
Does a chlamydia outbreak indicate that koalas are good at fucking or bad at it?
So, um, the deal with humans is that we have a relatively long gestation period (9 months) plus a relatively long period of time before the offspring becomes self-sufficient. That's why we're communal creatures.
Isn't that right? I haven't looked into this at all. Human offspring need, like, at least, I dunno, 5 years until they can become self-sufficient? Or if self-sufficiency just means able to stand on your own feet and find food ... well, we've really messed around with the world quite a bit so I don't know if a 3-year-old can feed itself given the way we've messed with the world.
Anyway, why does our relatively long period of time until self-sufficiency require a bigger cock?
No other female large mammals (elephants, great apes, large cats) can regularly produce 10-20+ viable offspring over the course of a lifetime.
10-20?! Oh my fucking god.
Anyway, why does our relatively long period of time until self-sufficiency require a bigger cock?
It's got to seem like a decent trade-off for the women, at least for a moment or two? Otherwise, it's rape rape rape until the women massacre all the men and goodbye humanity.
Where are people getting all these alleged facts? Humans aren't anywhere close to the only large mammals that have long gestation periods or can produce ten or more viable offspring in a lifetime.
39a: I knew it, I knew they were being kind
39b: I don't think that is well-supported by history.
Where are people getting all these alleged facts? Humans aren't anywhere close to the only large mammals that have long gestation periods or can produce ten or more viable offspring in a lifetime.
It's the evolutionary reproductive biology you learn on the street.
I thought it was pretty clear that "we're really good at fucking" was absurd.
10-20?! Oh my fucking god
Suddenly feel like a slacker?
42: The street finds its own uses for biology.
Where are people getting all these alleged facts?
Teh Internet.
I'll say this once: Balloon Juice is a good and valuable blog, front page wise.
Quick: in which state does Mitt Romney officially reside? Probably Massachusetts, but then again, he's had the most photo ops in NH up on Winnipesaukee. There's also the property in CA and I think in Utah. Or maybe not CA, I forget -- but isn't that where the car elevator is? I know he considered Florida, because he told them that when he campaigned there (that he almost built a house there, it was so awesome, but then he didn't).
47: His 2010 return puts his address as in Massachusetts, and he declares a fair amount of state income taxes paid, so it's probably that.
Okay. People should read Balloon Juice in any case. The question presented was from a detailed post about voter fraud.
"Walking and fucking."
Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk,
I'm a woman's man: no time to talk.
50 was me.
||
Gore Vidal: "All of you will go with me because I'm a solipsist. I've just imagined you. When I go, all will be blank."
Was he right? Discuss.
|>
Humans aren't even comparatively good at walking. Four legs beats two, I think?
I guess we're up there on the list of two legged walkers, but it's still advantage: ostrich.
You can figure the ostrich the fast thing on two legs, but it's still pretty slow for a bird.
Four legs beats two, I think?
Four legs good, two legs better!
So we are better at running long distances than any animal, but is that due to our more effective strategies at eliminating waste heat overcoming mechanical disadvantages?
I mean, how many other animals can be turned into endurance superheroes by the removal of a chunk of their temporal lobe?
re: 55
Pretty sure that for genuinely long-distance locomotion at relative speed, humans are pretty much only beaten by dogs. As per the previous thread where this came up.
re: 59
That's a big part of it. Sweating, plus being tall with a relatively small surface area exposed to the sun, plus good aerobic endurance.
61: And dogs only in cold weather, right?
64: A useful skill, when you wake up next to a neanderthal.
Or when a Neanderthal's mate comes home early from a knapping trip.
Birds are pretty awesome at the long-distance travel thing. But hey, I just traveled 600 miles in a fraction of a day. That must be related to something we're good at.
Humans are good at fucking because we do it independent of reproduction. In the animal world only bonobos compete with us in the recreational fucking department (and they have us handily beat).
Having a bunch of humans congratulating themselves on their fuckability is totally laughable. Might as well be chanting "USA! USA!"
How about y'all nominate some impartial refs?
I assume you mean we should ask the donkeys in Tijuana.
I think the standard as discussed in the physics prize thread would be an ex-human with a blog.
I know what you're thinking, but Slate wouldn't print that.
Having a bunch of humans congratulating themselves on their fuckability is totally laughable. Might as well be chanting "USA! USA!"
We're sexy and we know it....
*ducks*
77 Which reminds me of that Lenny Bruce routine about the wife finding her husband in bed with a chicken which quickly leads to the realization that that's what Ernie Anastos was on about.
78: really? I'm not familiar with that bit.
64: I'm very good at that. I was the men's freestyle fleeing champion two years in a row.
We really will quote the entire movie eventually.
58: That's not the OPP I would have expected to see referenced in this discussion. How many brothers out there know just what I'm gettin' at?
Speaking of fast, Bolt just bolted.
"How fleeting are all human passions compared to the massive continuity penises of ducks."
Training: Actually, make that "I run through the valley of the shadow of death" - in order to get OUT of the valley of the shadow of death more quickly, you see.
80 it was in the Fosse film and I believe I once heard the original but I can't seem to find it online.
RTFA for visual evidence that one species is unimpressed by our fucking:
http://www.unfogged.com/archives/week_2012_07_15.html
More precisely,
http://www.unfogged.com/archives/week_2012_07_15.html#012297
So, um, the deal with humans is that we have a relatively long gestation period (9 months)
I thought we had a relatively short gestation period. That we basically birth our young premature because otherwise the skull can't fit through the blah blah blah upright walking. Probably either someone else said this, or it's wrong, or conversation has moved on.
I thought it was unusually long, but not long enough so they come out parbaked.
I'm sure I'll regret this soon enough, but I feel compelled to admit that I admire the title of the post.
What people are really good at is electronics. What other species has PlayStations and phones?
Also writing books. And flying airplanes.
If I were planning the Inter-Species Olympics, I'd plan the Driving A Car event. You can plan your Walking and Fucking event, and we'll see who blows who away.
And cock jokes. Don't forget the cock jokes.
You can plan your Walking and Fucking event, and we'll see who blows who away.
That's the whole idea.
No, like, elephants have an 11-month gestation period, but otherwise, species-wise comparatively, we take a long time. I thought.
What's weird is that our females go into estrous every month given the gestation period and the fact that the self-sufficiency of offspring takes so long. I don't know a damned thing about this, of course. Cats aren't fertile every month, are they?
I mean, I thought with cats it was sort of seasonal.
Whales also have very long gestation periods.
So, um, the deal with humans is that we have a relatively long gestation period (9 months)
What's weird is that our females go into estrous every month
For some reason the tone of these comments is really amusing me.
If we're birthing our offspring half-baked, no wonder they take so long after birth to become self-sufficient. Why is that?
I love the beautiful women of Michigan, and the strong, hard-working menfolk, so similar to my own fleshsuit.
they take so long after birth to become self-sufficient. Why is that?
Per above, there's a theory that if humans developed longer in utero, thus being more fully capable at birth, they wouldn't fit out the birthing canal, which is necessarily narrow to accommodate bipedalism.
By comparison, for instance, horses walk pretty much right away. But they also cook for longer (~11 months).
Horses, that is. Or babies. Really, don't let either get behind the wheel.
But they also cook for longer (~11 months)
My apologies for not realizing.
I do understand the narrow birth canal/hips/bipedalism conundrum for humans. Why the estrous every month? I'm thinking maybe we are not especially great at actual conception + implantation of the fertilized egg in the uterine wall.
Why the estrous every month?
Probably Old Testament Mean God, sticking it to Eve.
Well, anyway, humans seem to believe that other species besides bonobos don't have sex for enjoyment purposes. They don't enjoy sex. See Togolosh's 70.
If that's true, it's very weird, from a veldt perspective. Why would it be the case that human females become wet for entry at the appropriate provocation, and males become hard for entry likewise? I thought the human female estrous cycle might have something to do with it, I'm not sure why, but we seem perpetually fuckable. (I find that a rude term.)
Given that we believe that most other species do not find sex enjoyable -- a problematic assumption in itself -- this is just very weird.
Squirrels enjoy sex, but not in a way that we can understand anymore.
I don't like to use "perpetually" in polite society either.
115: Exactly! So why are we so special? It's like we think that everyone else is forcing themselves through it.
I'm informed by a horse professional that the geldings still mount the fillies when they're feeling randy, so presumably they're getting something out of it.
Given that we believe that most other species do not find sex enjoyable
We do?
Given the enthusiasm many male dogs have for peoples' legs, I find this unlikely.
Probably a brief respite from the knowledge that they are farther removed from their nuts than a squirrel transported to the moon.
Squirrels enjoy sex, but not in a way that we can understand anymore.
Squirrels? Maybe not. But we understand the fuck out of muskrats.
It's unfortunate that we can't let them all sow their wild oats, but my understanding is, there's already an issue of horse overpopulation, so just like cats and dogs, they must be snipped.
It's an important factor to consider in our species' ability to populate the globe: we actively de-populate lots of other species.
119: Right. My roommate used to diddle our (female) cat with a Q-tip from time to time; she seemed to enjoy it.
Don't look at me, I didn't do it. The cat was suffering, in want. He obliged her.
I wondered why cat were aroused by cotton.
+s. And actually I did not wonder anything like that. I never once said to myself, "How do you sexually stimulate a female cat?"
Did your roommate figure it out or google it or watch the "Red Rocket" episode of South Park and miss the joke?
124: so ogged was on the right track?
He was on the right track, but toothpicks were just cruel.
126: She actually wasn't our cat, and she was young and in heat. Our roommate, her actual owner, hadn't done anything about it -- I think he was out of town, this was many years ago -- and the poor cat was crying and moaning all the time, awfully, trying to get outside. My boyfriend took steps with a Q-tip, which alleviated the situation. I thought it was brilliant, myself.
My boyfriend took steps with a Q-tip
...mollyz.
As I recall, now that I think about it, the poor moaning cat was also, erm, displaying a lot. Displaying her butt area. So, you know, it was pretty clear what she wanted.
Actually, her displaying and moaning was kind of annoying. It made you grimace, how she was carrying on and suffering. There was really only one thing to do.
You couldn't get a good night's sleep with all that moaning and groaning going on, if you didn't do something about it. That's what I recall. She was a nice cat; couldn't help but love her.
Bob Barker wasn't worried about overpopulation. He was just sick of paying for all those cotton swabs.
This is weirder than everything urple has eaten.
Manual masturbation of a feline vs. consumption of microwaved plastic and egg? I'm going with the latter as weirder. Manually masturbating cats probably happens de rigueur in cat breeding.
It's not at all weird. The cat was yowling. I was being polite in saying that she was moaning. We had to do something.
The only downside is, the cat ended up with hairy pawlms.
Re: parsimon/heebie/conversation about the veldt
This is where I whip out my giant, throbbing, nine-inch anthropology card. Yes, yes, yes. Gestation time is long relative to other mammals, but short relative to our size and intelligence, because women can't birth brains much bigger than we already do. Interestingly, birth is more difficult than it has to be given pelvis size and infant cranium size, which seems to indicate some sort of excessive need for assisted birth (i.e., at minimum, assisted birth has not been selected against, and at maximum, it's been selected for. This, combined with women's long post-menopausal lifespan has led to the grandmother hypothesis.) Our prematurity at birth and the relative incapacity of recent mothers requires some sort of communal society and also a high protein diet, though that is a different tangent. Anyways, social factors are also what allows for women to give birth to offspring more closely spaced together and have them survive to reproductive age, as one woman is no longer solely responsible for the survival of her offspring. This means that women can have more children with a reasonable chance of survival to reproductive age than other species of similar size and complexity.
Wait what how do you even figure out how to fuck a cat with a q-tip?
Oh god i just googled it oh god people do this all the fucking time everyone.
146: Unfogged, a last bastion of innocence. But now we're ruint.
Thanks for making it awkward to clean my ears this morning.
If you listen closely, you can hear the ocean.
153: In your cat's pussy? This is all very confusing.
154: It's the self-similar fractal of your kitty's kitty's kitty's kitty, echoing down the chamber.
There's a Buffalo buffalo here who'd like a word.
To hear a world in a pussy's cunt, And a heaven in a wild flower, Hold infinity in the palm of your hand, And eternity in an hour.
Concluding three words left as an exercise for the reader.
155 was perfect for the incredibly imperfect meeting that my week is starting off with. But it is making it hard to make eye contact with the guy who has been talking 80% of the time.
124 may be the most disturbing thing ever written on this blog. 146 is a close second.
URPLE DISCOVERS SEX ACT IS NOT NOVEL, BLOG DISTURBED
124 may be the most disturbing thing ever written on this blog. 146 is a close second.
Oh, come now. That won't work.
160: Although "Hello kitty!" is a strong alternative.
145 is kind of hilarious. You put on your thinking cap. You look at the cat, who is lifting her tail and showing you her ladybits every time you turn around. It is not hard to figure out.
The use of a cotton and cardboard dildo isn't a bit unexpected?
