Re: Bernie

1

Love, love that film.

Here ends my cogent film criticism.


Posted by: Parenthetical | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 2:28 PM
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2

Me too!


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 2:40 PM
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3

I haven't seen it!


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 2:47 PM
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4

WATCH IT!

now.


Posted by: Parenthetical | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 2:52 PM
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5

I've already watched one movie today. It can't top Tremors.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 3:03 PM
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6

We really enjoyed it, but then stayed up way too late watching other Netflix comedies.


Posted by: Thorn | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 4:30 PM
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7

Mrs. K-sky and I started xXx, in which Vin Diesel has a very serious discussion about anarchy with the bad guy, who leads a criminal group called "Anarchy 99." As a conversational languor, it does a lot to vary the pace in what is otherwise a series of Absolutely Batshit Sequences That Someone Thought It Would Be Fun to See (they were right). We stopped after 90 minutes with a 40-minute third act left to go and decided to stretch out the pleasure.

I loved Bernie, and wrote about it at Kotsko's joint.


Posted by: k-sky | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 5:00 PM
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8

Is it so sad though? He did (hopefully this isn't too spoilery) commit a very serious crime.


Posted by: dz | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 6:13 PM
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9

Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm on the record as being no fan of prisons, but I also have problems with the idea that it's fine to kill a person everyone else in the community doesn't like.


Posted by: Thorn | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 6:30 PM
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10

If everybody has to not like that person, that's a pretty big collective action problem.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 6:33 PM
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11

I think it's fine to have spoilers in the thread. Should I say so in the OP?


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 7:02 PM
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12

Because he's been in there for 16 years, now, which seems insane.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 7:02 PM
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13

I consider the abusive relationship to be somewhat mitigating. I don't consider him innocent, though.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 7:03 PM
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14

I don't think anybody considers him innocent, even himself. Once you stuff a body on a freezer, you pretty well should figure you're done something wrong.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 7:22 PM
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15

Step up from the wood chipper though.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 7:29 PM
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16

Given the guy's job, he should have buried her under another grave.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 7:30 PM
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17

In fairness, this was a guy who'd probably stuffed quite a few bodies into freezers.


Posted by: Eggplant | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 7:31 PM
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18

If I called you up in the middle of the night and asked you to help me dispose of a body, would you be a friend?


Posted by: heebie-heebie | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 7:42 PM
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19

Interesting to see that Shirley McLaine is in it. Way back when, a very young and very stunning McLaine starred in Alfred Hitchcock's black comedy The Trouble with Harry, a movie about an offbeat collection of characters' attempts to deal with a dead body. Worth seeing if you haven't.


Posted by: Witt | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 7:51 PM
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20

||

Tomorrow I have to waste a day doing some kind of stupid "outreach" thing at a local high school that I agreed to do in a moment of stupidity. Presumably I'm not supposed to tell them not to go to grad school or what a major pain in the ass many of my cow-orkers have been. What should I tell them?

|>


Posted by: essear | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 7:52 PM
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21

20: "everything you know about the death of the dinosaurs is wrong."


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 7:53 PM
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22

Oh, this is probably too early for pause/play-abuse. I've added Bernie to my instant queue and would watch it now except apparently high school days begin really early. Who knew?


Posted by: essear | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 7:54 PM
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23

20: to pick a college where they won't be drowning in student debt.


Posted by: heebie-heebie | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 7:54 PM
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24

These people are paying insane amounts of money for tuition at their fancy-ass high-school anyway, I think, so presumably that isn't an issue.


Posted by: essear | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 7:55 PM
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25

18: I'd probably ask nosy questions first.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 7:56 PM
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26

24: oh! Then you should tell them to follow their dreams whatever they are, and no matter how unremunerative and dependent on endless parental support they might be.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 7:57 PM
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27

20: "Don't fly with luggage provided by a bikini model you've never met who says she loves you."


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 7:58 PM
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28

Or you could tell them that they're the problem, spraypaint "eat the rich" on the wall of the classroom, and peel out in one of their cars.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 7:58 PM
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29

My answer was going to be like 27, but Moby got there first.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 7:58 PM
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30

26, 28: Or you could just tell them to give you some money.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 7:59 PM
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31

Did the people who asked you to do this say anything about what they wanted you to say?


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 8:02 PM
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32

Print out this comment from a rural primary care doctor, tell them a personal story about something you love and that excites you about your work, and tell them they only get one life.

And that if they can live it without crushing debt, it'll be a lot more fun.


Posted by: Witt | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 8:12 PM
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33

tell them a personal story about something you love and that excites you about your work

"Today, I'm here to talk about a little show called Veronica Mars"


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 8:15 PM
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34

Make lots of references to current fads, and always use the article 'the', as in 'the Justin Timberlake' and 'the angry birds'.


Posted by: heebie-heebie | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 8:20 PM
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35

Ask the girls to raise their hands if they're over 18, and then do the "call me" hand gesture and mouth the words.


Posted by: heebie-heebie | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 8:22 PM
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36

Wear a cape.


Posted by: heebie-heebie | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 8:23 PM
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37

Honk the teacher on the breast and say "a-ooga!"


Posted by: heebie-heebie | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 8:24 PM
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38

"Okay, who here likes waffles?!?!?" and then just start whipping 'em at the kids frisbee style.

Oh, and bring waffles.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 8:25 PM
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39

Open up a tin of hissing Madagascar cockroaches and tell them you've locked all the exits, and no one is going anywhere until all of your preciouses are safely back in the tin.


Posted by: heebie-heebie | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 8:26 PM
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40

"I like two things in life, kids. Drinkin', fuckin', and cussin'."

[ wait ]

"DID I SAY I LIKED COUNTIN'?"


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 8:28 PM
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41

Show them how you can lift a cinder block by chains attached to your nipple rings.


Posted by: heebie-heebie | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 8:28 PM
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42

Tell them about the time you lost your virginity.


Posted by: heebie-heebie | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 8:29 PM
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43

Do you have a t-shirt cannon, essear?


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 8:30 PM
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44

Or I guess whatever kind of cannon.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 8:30 PM
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45

That has been retrofitted to hold kittens?


Posted by: heebie-heebie | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 8:30 PM
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46

If he doesn't he can just go down to his local ship's chandler and pick one up.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 8:31 PM
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47

Read them your dissertation.


Posted by: heebie-heebie | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 8:31 PM
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48

"I'm going to write a problem on the board. If you can't solve it in twenty-five minutes, one of you will die. Still think science is for nerds???"


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 8:34 PM
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49

Do the "I said brrr! It's cold in here! There must be some clovers in the atmosphere," cheer and dance routine.


Posted by: heebie-heebie | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 8:35 PM
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50

"ABC: A Always, B Be, C Calculating."


Posted by: Kreskin | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 8:35 PM
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51

Show them how you can suction a cup around your mouth until it leaves a perfect red circle.


Posted by: heebie-heebie | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 8:36 PM
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52

If you start a fire, pick the right moment.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 8:36 PM
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53

Tell them that for a limited time, they may invest funds in your new company, Intrade.


Posted by: heebie-heebie | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 8:37 PM
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54

There's always the whole monkey-in-a-rocket routine. That did wonders to promote STEM careers in the '60s.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 8:38 PM
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55

"INTRO TO TWITTER"


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 8:39 PM
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56

Wear roller skates and overalls and act out The Warriors.


Posted by: heebie-heebie | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 8:39 PM
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57

Make fun of celebrities with diseases.


Posted by: heebie-heebie | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 8:40 PM
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58

Do what others have found to make for a successful and memorable classroom visit: bring a fucksaw.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 8:40 PM
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59

Ask all the minority students to stand up, and then launch into a forty minute shaggy dog story.


Posted by: heebie-heebie | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 8:41 PM
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60

57: like, use diseases to make fun of celebrities? "Hey Travolta: DIABETES! Hah. You look like an asshole now."


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 8:41 PM
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61

Do what others have found to make for a successful and memorable classroom visit: bring a fucksaw.

Then fire it out of the cannon!


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 8:43 PM
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62

"hey Michael J Fox! How's your PARKINSON'S? Hahahahahaha"


Posted by: heebie-heebie | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 8:43 PM
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63

Wait, these are rich kids, right? Obviously what you need to do is steal all their fancy watches.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 8:44 PM
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64

"Betcha don't think much about SICKLE CELL ANEMIA, Hanks!"


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 8:44 PM
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65

Wear a black unitard and act out some Walt Whitman poetry.


Posted by: heebie-heebie | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 8:45 PM
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66

Bring lots of dry ice.


Posted by: heebie-heebie | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 8:47 PM
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67

Just wear a black unitard. Make them recite the poetry. (heebie's such a rookie.)


Posted by: Von Wafer | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 8:47 PM
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68

Oh man, if you can get them to do the whole stand-on-their-desks o captain my captain thing I don't even.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 8:48 PM
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69

Tell them stories of Alaska. You know the ones.


Posted by: Von Wafer | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 8:48 PM
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70

Wear a big necklace-clock and make them call you Flava.


Posted by: heebie-heebie | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 8:49 PM
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71

Oh, wait, you're a physicist: PINK FLOYD LASER SHOW!


Posted by: Von Wafer | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 8:50 PM
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72

Divide them in half, and then in half again, and so on into infinitesimally small pieces, to illustrate how limits work.


Posted by: heebie-heebie | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 8:51 PM
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73

71 gets it right. Or maybe the dorm party from Real Genius with the pool and the cosmetologists? One of the two.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 8:51 PM
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74

Tell them faeries are real. Then prove it.


Posted by: Von Wafer | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 8:53 PM
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75

Use a bow and arrow to shoot an apple off the head of one of the kittens. Weigh the kitten down with the cinder block if your aim isn't great.


Posted by: heebie-heebie | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 8:53 PM
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76

Show them highlights from America's Funniest Home Videos.


Posted by: heebie-heebie | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 8:54 PM
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77

No shit, essear, tell us about Denise Milani.


Posted by: Von Wafer | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 8:55 PM
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78

I wonder how much butter you could buy with departmental funds...


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 8:55 PM
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79

Show them how fast you can text message.


Posted by: heebie-heebie | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 8:55 PM
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80

Read them the Bible.


Posted by: heebie-heebie | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 8:56 PM
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81

77: and then do a google search for her with the kids.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 8:57 PM
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82

Burn shit down.


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 8:57 PM
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83

In Aramaic.


Posted by: Von Wafer | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 8:58 PM
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84

Would you feel uncomfortable showing them some porn? If so, bring wine coolers.


Posted by: heebie-heebie | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 8:58 PM
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85

You do know Aramaic, don't you? I though you said you had a PhD.


Posted by: Von Wafer | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 8:58 PM
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86

Pretend to steal their noses.


Posted by: heebie-heebie | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 8:59 PM
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87

Do the thing where you're like, "Good morning, everyone!" [muted response] "No, that wasn't nearly good enough. Let's try it again. I said, GOOD MORNING, EVERYONE!"

Kids love that.


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 9:01 PM
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88

High school kids these days are pretty into face tattoos, too.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 9:01 PM
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89

Make them pledge allegiance to the flag.


Posted by: heebie-heebie | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 9:03 PM
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90

Bring your air guitar.


Posted by: heebie-heebie | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 9:03 PM
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91

You should explain the Harlem Shake to them.


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 9:04 PM
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92

Show them how, topologically, you can remove your underwear without removing your pants.


Posted by: heebie-heebie | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 9:05 PM
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93

Show them how many marshmallows you can stuff in your mouth and still say "fuzzy bunny".


Posted by: heebie-heebie | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 9:06 PM
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94

Bring them bug juice. And kosher cookies. Then say a bracha and eat.


Posted by: Von Wafer | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 9:06 PM
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95

Marshmallows! Do the marshmallow test with them. But dose the marshmallows with LSD.


Posted by: Von Wafer | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 9:07 PM
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96

Do the Stanford Prison Experiment on them!


Posted by: heebie-heebie | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 9:11 PM
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97

I mean, after you dose the kids with LSD.


Posted by: heebie-heebie | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 9:12 PM
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98

Then the Milgram Experiment, but with real shocks.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 9:19 PM
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99

Make everybody sit cross-legged in a circle then try and get them to open up about any past satanic ritual abuse.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 9:21 PM
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100

Whatever you do, do it wearing vampire teeth.


Posted by: Von Wafer | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 9:24 PM
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101

And bring those wax tubes filled with sugar water. Those are excellent ice breakers.


Posted by: Von Wafer | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 9:24 PM
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102

A pickaxe is an even better ice breaker.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 9:25 PM
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103

Have them line up according to how many people they've slept with, so that you can tailor your talk more specifically to whether they're studs, or sluts, or prudes, or whatever.


Posted by: heebie-heebie | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 9:26 PM
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104

J├Ąger bombs!


Posted by: heebie-heebie | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 9:26 PM
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105

Jetpack is right. Open the wax cylinders with a pickaxe. The kids will thank you.


Posted by: Von Wafer | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 9:27 PM
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106

French braid all the girls' hair.


Posted by: heebie-heebie | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 9:27 PM
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107

Read them Vonnegut. Linger over the phrase "wide open beaver."


Posted by: Von Wafer | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 9:28 PM
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108

Do 'light as a feather, stiff as a board' and try to communicate with any kid from the school that died in the past five yeas.


Posted by: heebie-heebie | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 9:29 PM
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109

Do you have any pamphlets about communism, essear?


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 9:29 PM
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110

Raise a barn.


Posted by: Von Wafer | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 9:30 PM
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111

Shuck some corn.


Posted by: Von Wafer | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 9:30 PM
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112

Serve the community.


Posted by: Von Wafer | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 9:30 PM
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113

Get at least one student pregnant.


Posted by: heebie-heebie | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 9:30 PM
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114

Tell them they can have class outside, but then summon a tornado. Tell them you got your godlike powers by studying hard and avoiding snacks.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 9:31 PM
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115

A pickaxe is an even better ice breaker.

Sure, but if you're going to use an icebreaker you might as well go all out.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 9:31 PM
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116

Get the giggles until you can't complete the dirty limerick you started telling them


Posted by: heebie-heebie | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 9:32 PM
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117

Talk with your mouth full.


Posted by: heebie-heebie | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 9:33 PM
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118

Arrive on a lama. Insist it is a camel. Then admit, under duress, that it's a dromedary.


Posted by: Von Wafer | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 9:34 PM
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119

And then, at the end, say "the aristocrats!"


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 9:34 PM
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120

Check their moles for the ABCDs: asymmetry, border, color and diameter.


Posted by: heebie-heebie | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 9:35 PM
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121

Then cock 'em.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 9:36 PM
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122

Invite them to sit in your lap. Give them blessings.


Posted by: Von Wafer | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 9:37 PM
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123

Elect a pope.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 9:39 PM
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124

I can only assume essear's absence from the thread is due to him furiously taking notes on these suggestions.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 9:39 PM
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125

Tell them about Spanx and Shapewear. It's physics.


Posted by: heebie-heebie | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 9:41 PM
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126

Can you juggle chainsaws? Swallow swords? Shoot ping-pong balls from your vagina?

I though you said you had a PhD.


Posted by: Von Wafer | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 9:42 PM
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127

Tell them spoilers to the new Twilight movie.


Posted by: heebie-heebie | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 9:43 PM
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128

Don't be afraid to wing it. But make sure your powerpoint times out to the second.


Posted by: Von Wafer | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 9:43 PM
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129

I CAN'T FUCKING SPELL "THOUGHT"!


Posted by: Von Wafer | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 9:44 PM
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130

Spell your entire talk.


Posted by: heebie-heebie | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 9:45 PM
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131

But make sure your powerpoint times out to the second as it shoots out of your vagina.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 9:45 PM
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132

I CAN'T FUCKING SPELL "THOUGHT"!

I thought you had a PhD.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 9:46 PM
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133

Spell your entire talk.

In Aramaic.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 9:46 PM
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134

Make them take the super-long Meyers-Briggs, and then throw them away and set the trash can on fire. Probably cue up the Pink Floyd.


Posted by: heebie-heebie | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 9:47 PM
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135

Hold the cinderblock over your head while the Floyd is playing, like Lloyd Dobler but with the crazy eyes.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 9:49 PM
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136

Friend them all on Facebook. Post a group photo and caption it "My besties!"


Posted by: heebie-heebie | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 9:49 PM
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137

See how many wooden spoons you can go through.


Posted by: heebie-heebie | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 9:51 PM
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138

Tell them, in painstaking detail, about the politics and pecking order in your department. Make sure that you leave nothing out. Nothing at all.


Posted by: Von Wafer | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 9:55 PM
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139

The most important thing is to be well-rested. Go to bed two hours ago.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 9:55 PM
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140

Or, if you're still up, make sure you have two stiff drinks at 5 am and then do two lines of coke right before you enter the classroom. Pretend that you're Robin Williams. Or Robin Gibb. Whichever, really.


Posted by: Von Wafer | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 9:57 PM
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141

Tell them to imagine that the campus is the Large Hadron Collider. Make them run laps.


Posted by: Von Wafer | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 9:59 PM
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142

Scream, "FASTER, YOU LITTLE BITCHES! WE'LL NEVER WIN A NOBEL IF YOU'RE SO FUCKING LAZY!"


Posted by: Von Wafer | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 10:00 PM
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143

Pick prom dates for them.


Posted by: heebie-heebie | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 10:01 PM
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144

Save one for yourself, obv.


Posted by: heebie-heebie | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 10:02 PM
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145

Read them Bridge To Terabithia.


Posted by: heebie-heebie | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 10:03 PM
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146

Mix a drink. Take your shoes off. Clip your toenails. Stay awhile.


Posted by: Von Wafer | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 10:06 PM
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147

Write equations on the window in a grease pencil. Say nothing. Not a word. Leave the moment the bell rings.


Posted by: Von Wafer | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 10:07 PM
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148

The most important thing is to be well-rested. Go to bed two hours ago.

I think he did, actually. Hopefully he'll have time to check back on the thread in the morning.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 10:08 PM
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149

Field dress a deer.


Posted by: Von Wafer | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 10:08 PM
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150

Do the hokey pokey and then turn yourself around.


Posted by: CharleyCarp | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 10:12 PM
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No, seriously, you should have the Wall of Science thing from Bozos play over the PA. Man, woman, child, all are up against the wall of science!

You'll have them blinking in astonishment across the face of time.


Posted by: CharleyCarp | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 10:28 PM
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(http://fob.po8.org/node/416)


Posted by: CharleyCarp | Link to this comment | 03-10-13 10:29 PM
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Think any of them are Unfogged readers? Find out by beginning your talk with a hearty "WHO WANTS TO SEX MUTOMBO!"


Posted by: k-sky | Link to this comment | 03-11-13 12:16 AM
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These suggestions have been fantastic.


Posted by: x.trapnel | Link to this comment | 03-11-13 12:49 AM
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This thread has lifted my Monday morning spirits.


Posted by: ajay | Link to this comment | 03-11-13 2:32 AM
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my Monday morning spirits

Hardcore.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 03-11-13 3:15 AM
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Nice thread, all.

It's not even 8 am and I'm already out and about! Maybe my job isn't usually so bad after all.


Posted by: essear | Link to this comment | 03-11-13 4:54 AM
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Write on the blackboard, "My Personal Quest for the God Particle". The rest you can improvise.


Posted by: peep | Link to this comment | 03-11-13 6:18 AM
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140: Robyn Bird.

This thread is the best.


Posted by: Mister Smearcase | Link to this comment | 03-11-13 6:18 AM
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159.1: Heh.


Posted by: oudemia | Link to this comment | 03-11-13 6:27 AM
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Pretend non-verbally to be the Higgs Boson. Don't leave until they guess what you are.

Augh pwned.


Posted by: Mister Smearcase | Link to this comment | 03-11-13 6:57 AM
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Set up a dunking booth that seems like the fun carnival kind, but is actually the will-the-witch-drown? kind.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 03-11-13 7:09 AM
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Ask one of the cool kids if the cool kids still meet out back behind the library to smoke cigarettes before Civics.


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 03-11-13 7:13 AM
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Wear furry cloven hoof feet, shoved into your shoes, and mince around, and add a prosthetic forked tongue to your real tongue.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 03-11-13 7:15 AM
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Ask one of the cool kids if the cool kids still meet at the Peach Pit to share a malted with the prettiest gal in school.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 03-11-13 7:16 AM
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Bring a Lunchable and then show off how cool your new-fangled lunch is.


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 03-11-13 7:17 AM
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The NYT magazine had an article partly about Lunchables. The guy who invented them more or less admits they were a horrible thing to foist upon humanity. The article also mentions Hilary Clinton's love of Dr. Pepper so I am voting for her if she runs next time.


Posted by: Mister Smearcase | Link to this comment | 03-11-13 7:22 AM
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Tell them someone you know has invented a truly novel sex act. Ask them all to guess what it might be. Then tell them.


Posted by: Barry Freed | Link to this comment | 03-11-13 7:41 AM
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The kids super-collided essear, I guess.


Posted by: Von Wafer | Link to this comment | 03-11-13 3:51 PM
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Any traces of dark essear?


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 03-11-13 3:53 PM
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Essear isn't used to waking up so early and came home and took a long nap. And now has to finish writing a normal lecture for tomorrow.

I talked to 3 sections of one class and found one totally engaged and fun to talk to, one completely zoned out and uninterested, and one somewhere in between. The contrast was kind of weird, although I wonder if it was just a function of the time of day-- the after-lunch class was the one that paid no attention at all. I also talked to one small "advanced topics" class who asked really remarkably sharp questions.


Posted by: essear | Link to this comment | 03-11-13 5:47 PM
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Mighta been something else. Did you run out of kittens for the cannon?


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 03-11-13 7:04 PM
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essear's veldtish explanations from complex human behaviors are typical of a physicist.


Posted by: adruren | Link to this comment | 03-11-13 8:00 PM
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Were your nipples tearing from the cinder blocks?


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 03-11-13 8:02 PM
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Uh oh maybe the unitard got not-so-fresh.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 03-11-13 8:15 PM
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I just read this thread and I have to say that you all offered essear which is pretty much uniformly awful.

Essear, I hope you didn't do any of that.


Posted by: nosflow | Link to this comment | 03-11-13 8:25 PM
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Offered him what now?


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 03-11-13 8:26 PM
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We offered essear that they might know essear. There is awfulness in the knowing of essear as there is awfulness in the knowing of the mountain, or war. In essear is the beating heart of life lived. So we offered essear.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 03-11-13 8:27 PM
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And lo thus was essear.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 03-11-13 8:30 PM
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I remember when I could put together three sentences successively, none of which contained any mistakes.


Posted by: nosflow | Link to this comment | 03-11-13 8:34 PM
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176: I still maintain that 27 is good advice.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 03-11-13 8:37 PM
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But Moby, they had met when she made the request, hadn't they?


Posted by: nosflow | Link to this comment | 03-11-13 8:39 PM
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I didn't think they ever actually met.

Wouldn't it be spooky if he was actually talking to Manti Te'o that whole time?

Weird coincidence.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 03-11-13 8:46 PM
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Let's ask. Essear, have you met Denise Milani?


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 03-11-13 8:48 PM
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I wonder if the purported Denise Milani used a talkbox on the phone, just 'cuz Frampton. He probably gets that a lot.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 03-11-13 8:50 PM
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Thank you. I've been trying to figure out how to make a "Frampton Comes Alive"-related joke and failing.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 03-11-13 9:01 PM
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It would be fair to say that, in the end, she did not feel like he do.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 03-11-13 9:17 PM
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essear's summation: "I am that I am. I am the rock of ages, thou cannot move I at all. I am the son of david, thou cannot move I at all. I am that I am, I am, I am, I am."


Posted by: alameida | Link to this comment | 03-12-13 5:04 AM
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188 s/b "I yam what I yam".


Posted by: snarkout | Link to this comment | 03-12-13 6:39 AM
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||

Movies!

Okami kodomo no ame to yuki

Spoilers, but this movie is seen for the art, and the way the narrative is told. I started crying during the opening credits, and never let up, mostly for the fucking beauty.

And the opening credits? Our lead, the mother of the wolf children, is a type:not cute or beautiful, but ordinary Japanese. Miyazaki uses the design a lot. This, and other artistic choices made in the open, reassured me I was in the hands of an artist with a good heart.

So, ok, I told you spoilers, werewolf boy and girl raised near the mountains, which one is going all Call of the Wild, and which will repress the wolf and become human. Well, sheeet. Mark Schilling, who reviews movies for the Japan Times, and is an American and shallow feminist, gave it only three of five stars for "predictability."

Wrong, Mark, 5 stars. What is neat and disturbing about Wolf Children is the process (and the real point), the little scenes and gestures that shows the way socialization and de-socialization, usually gendered, happens with children.

The boy and girl start equally wolf. Little wolf-girl likes catching snakes, laughs and shows snakes to girlfriends, girlfriends run away, wolfgirl stops catching snakes, becomes popular. Do I really blame the patriarchy? Maybe

Little wolfboy doesn't stop catching snakes. Fuck em all. Fuck em all hard. I don't need any of them. They'd hate me if they knew, and that's their fault. Bye.

Little wolfgirl:"Never ever let them know, because I need them"

Lots of little scenes of mother raising children, making choices, favoring one over the other. Close watching could be rewarded.

So should these roles be reversed? Should wolfgirl run wild and free and alone on the mountain? Miyazaki would do that, in fact Miyazaki did several times. But isn't that just a pandering wish-fulfillment fantasy for girls and women who will never ever make that choice? After eight years watching at this blog, I could never write a woman as a loner hero. Not honestly.

|>


Posted by: bob mcmanus | Link to this comment | 03-12-13 5:52 PM
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Come to think of that's unfair.

Not to Miyazaki, who is a pandering hack, but to Hosoda, the writer/director of Wolf Children.

Because the mother is a loner hero herself, driven to the mountain by a cruel society.

And the movie is all about the mother.


Posted by: bob mcmanus | Link to this comment | 03-12-13 5:57 PM
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Wolf Children is available at Funimation

I gotta write this. Spoilers but again, its the way it is visualized that counts, and it is beautiful.

So toward the end of the movie, wolfboy has stopped going to school and spends his days in the mountains. Mom has asked him to stick around tho he wants to go. He has been learning the land and how to read the skies, which are darkening this morning.

Mom and wolfdaughter are doing the morning ritual and wolf son is standing in the doorway. As wolfdaughter grabs her pack as heads for the bus, wolfboy says:"You should stay home with mom today." She glances at him and goes her way.

Bad storm, excitement danger lots of stuff even romance. Nobody is really at fault. Nobody says:"He was right." Not the point.

I could say mom and daughter didn't hear him, but that is not true. He just doesn't register. Why didn't he yell? Good question. Why couldn't they hear him?

Cause they live in different worlds in the same space.

Yeah, it's been around, in Tennessee Williams many times, but I have never seen this distance portrayed so simply and devastatingly.


Posted by: bob mcmanus | Link to this comment | 03-13-13 6:05 PM
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And you know what? The way it is "filmed and acted" you don't feel all that sorry for the boy. For one thing, he has become kinda alien, barely speaking anymore. For another, pensive and wistful describe him.

It is mother and daughter, laughing and living their ordinary lives that break your heart in that scene, because they won't see what's coming.

And why can't they, why won't they? The movie asks that question.


Posted by: bob mcmanus | Link to this comment | 03-13-13 6:27 PM
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