Re: Let's riff

1

I wish I was a little bit funnier
I wish I had more money-er
I wish I had a sandwich and some juice because I'm hungrier.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 06-14-13 7:06 AM
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2

Juice is just empty calories. Try some fruit.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 06-14-13 7:12 AM
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3

I wish I had a little more angst
I wish I had some Spanx
I wish I had a girl with a neck for my fangst.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 06-14-13 7:15 AM
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4

Emo Dracula with a blood belly?


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 06-14-13 7:16 AM
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5

Juice is just empty calories. Try some fruit.

Because fruit is calories that are filled with more calories, which are in turn filled with yet more calories. Calories all the way down.


Posted by: MAE | Link to this comment | 06-14-13 7:18 AM
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6

Terfruitencal.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 06-14-13 7:19 AM
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7

I wish someone else would rhyme with me
I wish it weren't just me.
I'm looking at you, Mobes and MAE.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 06-14-13 7:21 AM
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8

Fruit is calories all the way down.
Eat it all up and scream "Fuck you, clown!"


Posted by: MAE | Link to this comment | 06-14-13 7:24 AM
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9

I'm having trouble rhyming because I have to commit science today.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 06-14-13 7:29 AM
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10

Revise and resubmit?
It's been six years since we drafted it.
How about we smack your shit?


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 06-14-13 7:43 AM
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11

I wish I was a little bit faster,
I wish my output were vaster,
But with my to-do list that would spell disaster.


Posted by: joyslinger | Link to this comment | 06-14-13 7:47 AM
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12

I wish I had a skunk that didn't stink.
I wish I hadr a drink.
I wish I had a crab-eating macaque, and a yak, and a five-lined skink.


Posted by: Cryptic ned | Link to this comment | 06-14-13 7:54 AM
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13

I wish there were no firemen walking around on the roof.


Posted by: nosflow | Link to this comment | 06-14-13 7:55 AM
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14

Your next two lines went *poof*.
I wish you weren't so toasted to have posted such a goof.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 06-14-13 7:58 AM
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15

Is your building on fire or are they just taking in the view?


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 06-14-13 7:58 AM
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16

I wish I were a little bit madder.
I wish I were a little bit sadder.
I wish someone would get me a ladder.


Posted by: nosflow | Link to this comment | 06-14-13 7:59 AM
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17

I wish I lived on top of a tower.
My enemies would cower.
I wish I had a Fantagraphics anthology of Bob the Angry Flower.


Posted by: Cryptic ned | Link to this comment | 06-14-13 8:00 AM
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18

Wish I had the strength to get up off my knees
Wish someone would say thank you or please
Wish I could smile without having to say cheese


Posted by: peep | Link to this comment | 06-14-13 8:04 AM
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19

Flow, people. Flow.


Posted by: redfoxtailshrub | Link to this comment | 06-14-13 8:06 AM
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20

It's hard to come up with a line that scans the same as "I wish I had a rabbit in a hat with a bat and a 6-4 Impala", but I'm doing my best.


Posted by: Cryptic ned | Link to this comment | 06-14-13 8:09 AM
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21

I wish I got exactly what it is we're meant to be doing.
I wish I could have a nice cold beer that at some point was brewing.
I wish I knew how much longer to make this line than the others in the interest of redfoxtailshrub not taking issue with my entry not fl...ewing.


Posted by: Mister Smearcase | Link to this comment | 06-14-13 8:11 AM
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22

Poetic meter is great.
I should someday learn how to do that type of thing but for now I'll wait.
Gate.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 06-14-13 8:20 AM
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23

I wish I had a labbit in a bat with a hat and a six door um, pala.

I CLAIM SLEEP DEPRIVATION EXCEPTION


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 06-14-13 8:26 AM
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24

Moby beat me to the Ogden Nash approach, I see.


Posted by: nosflow | Link to this comment | 06-14-13 8:28 AM
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25

23: That only last for the three years. Maybe four.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 06-14-13 8:31 AM
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26

I wish I understood mezzanine tranches
I wish the clients just bought ranches
In Natchez


Posted by: unimaginative | Link to this comment | 06-14-13 8:33 AM
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27

I wish I had flow like a hot shower
I wish I had the power
And the time and wit to do this every hour.


Posted by: joyslinger | Link to this comment | 06-14-13 8:33 AM
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28

I wish this code would compile
It's taking quite a while
I wish it would run so I could be done and have fun in the sun while it's still out on this Isle.


Posted by: | Link to this comment | 06-14-13 8:35 AM
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29

Flow, people. Flow.

House Atreides has got to go.
Tell Shaddam, "THE SPICE MUST FLOW!"


Posted by: Opinionated Spacing Guild | Link to this comment | 06-14-13 8:40 AM
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30

I wish I wore a beater
I wish my name were Skeeter
I wish my feet were fleeter
I wish this were iambic pantameter

(I'm reminded of a fairly mean mocking some of us perpetrated on a kid in high school, when they weren't understanding metric measurements. We convinced him that a pentameter was 50 meters, but that in England, it was actually longer, and called iambic. I did feel bad after the test, when he actually used that.)


Posted by: Grumbles | Link to this comment | 06-14-13 8:41 AM
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31

Surely I've told this story here, but I had a student go on and on about "iambic trimesters" in a (not-so-craftily plagiarized) paper.


Posted by: oudemia | Link to this comment | 06-14-13 8:48 AM
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32

I wish I was a little bit younger
Wish my boyfriend was hung-er
I wish I had a lawyer who would call back stat when I dial his freakin' number


Posted by: Cady | Link to this comment | 06-14-13 11:03 AM
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33

Wish I was a little bit smarter
Wish I was a martyr
Wish I had some sweet glass beads I could barter


Posted by: redfoxtailshrub | Link to this comment | 06-14-13 11:29 AM
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34

I wish I was home with my doggy
I wish my socks weren't soggy
I wish what I read was more novel-ly and less bloggy


Posted by: Eggplant | Link to this comment | 06-14-13 11:39 AM
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35

I wish I ate more salmon
I wish it weren't p.c. to wonder about the farmin'
I wish all the world

oh god, Could have a coke?


Posted by: parsimon | Link to this comment | 06-14-13 11:58 AM
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36

35: I think it's supposed to rhyme.

For example:

I wish I ate more salmon
I wish I could end the famine.
I wish my pseud was parsimon.


Posted by: peep | Link to this comment | 06-14-13 12:43 PM
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37

Ich wollt', ich wär' ein Pferd,
Da wär' ich dir wert.
Oh, wär' ich ein Wagen,
Bequem dich zu tragen.
Ich wollt', ich wär' ein Pferd,
Da wär' ich dir wert.


Posted by: Johann Wolfgang von Goethe | Link to this comment | 06-14-13 2:44 PM
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38

I wish I was a young bright striver.
I wish I was alive-r.
I wish this didn't end with "Then I found a fiver."


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 06-14-13 3:06 PM
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39

I wish my Mom had named me Grover.
I wish I understood ANOVA.
I wish I dined each morn on eggs of plover.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 06-14-13 3:12 PM
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40

I wish I lived in Davis
No I wish I lived where Megan is
No Unfoggedycon is where my crave is
Burma Shave
is


Posted by: bill | Link to this comment | 06-14-13 3:51 PM
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41

I wish I was a little bit calmer,
I wish I weren't a farmer,
the humbolt county cop how I wish I could charm her
I wish I had a helicopter now, the one ring, and some full plate armour.


Posted by: alameida | Link to this comment | 06-14-13 5:50 PM
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42

your table is completely art deco
I'm so sick of emeco
can I get just go get another glass of prosecco
sometimes I think there should be a law
it's home décor--not a fucking echo!


Posted by: alameida | Link to this comment | 06-14-13 6:06 PM
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43

I wish I'd drunk a little more Robo
I wish I'd killed a hobo
I wish I'd had a fuck with a duck (Sergei's oboe)


Posted by: Robert Halford | Link to this comment | 06-14-13 6:10 PM
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44

I wish I was a little bit fatter
I wish I was a satyr
I wish I had a nymph I could sit on, I would flat her


Posted by: k-sky | Link to this comment | 06-14-13 6:10 PM
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45

I wish I was more skilled with a lariat,
I wish I could carry it,
I'd rope and brand the whole Unfoggedtariat.


Posted by: k-sky | Link to this comment | 06-14-13 6:11 PM
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46

I wish to state my objection to the quote in the OP, in agreement with sifu, that the complexities of a rabbit with a hat and a bat and a 64 impala are not being fully captured in the quoted section. though one could say that over the music and be in time. I feel I have adhered more to the rigorous metrical demands of the (admittedly, totally incomprehensible to me for probably 6 years) original. I have to go to work now because I work on saturday and sunday, but I'll be back [/ahhhnuld]
justifiably confused commenters should listen to the 1995 song "I wish" by skee-lo, and yet more will be revealed.


Posted by: alameida | Link to this comment | 06-14-13 6:16 PM
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47

I wish it to be known that I had to look this up. I'm surprised that I've almost certainly never heard the original before - I don't even recognize the tune - because I was still listening to the radio back when it came out.


Posted by: fake accent | Link to this comment | 06-14-13 6:35 PM
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48

Yeah, the first time I'd heard it was in the last thread in which it came up. (It's probably evident that I was just counting syllables for my contributions and still haven't looked it up.)


Posted by: joyslinger | Link to this comment | 06-14-13 6:49 PM
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49

I wish I were an unborn foetus
I wish ogged would meet us
I wish I bred large cats
If I did
I'd have cheetahs
I wish I had a rabbit like a duck, you clown fuck, look it up in L. Wittgenstein's treatise


Posted by: Awl | Link to this comment | 06-15-13 10:40 AM
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50

31: I wonder if some ass like me was responsible for that.

Although I do wonder how 'iambic' and 'trimester' make any sort of sense next to each other. Perhaps we need an interpretive flow experience to understand.


Posted by: Grumbles | Link to this comment | 06-15-13 11:51 AM
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51

50.2 I take this to be an artifact of a spellchecker. "Trimester" is a fairly common word in American English; "trimeter", which is what the person meant, is not.


Posted by: chris y | Link to this comment | 06-15-13 12:14 PM
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52

I wish I knew one more synonym
I wish I was Eminem
I wish I had two rap genies I would summon them
I wish I had the sense to keep time and my rhymes were feminine


Posted by: k-sky | Link to this comment | 06-15-13 2:07 PM
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53

I wish I'd made better choices
I wish I didn't hear these voices
I wish I was like Bhaghwan Shree Rajneesh
Living large off devotee baksheesh
Have a garage with eleventy hundred and seventy one Rolls Royces.


Posted by: Barry Freed | Link to this comment | 06-15-13 3:48 PM
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54

I wish I felt a little park sloper
and less an interloper
I wish my baby's name wasn't jane; I'd "merope" her
I learned that on babynames.com using chilled box wine as my outside coper


Posted by: alameida | Link to this comment | 06-15-13 6:09 PM
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55

I retract my previous objection now that I see we weren't even being asked to deal with the whole problematic rabbit/impala area.


Posted by: alameida | Link to this comment | 06-15-13 6:10 PM
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56

I wish I weren't labeled a hipster
I wish you had a sister
I wish I could remember that song about a blister
I wish knew a rabid ocelot with a shot of joining Mr. Mister.


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 06-15-13 6:19 PM
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57

54 is tremendous.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 06-15-13 6:59 PM
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58

Oh, I wish, I wish I hadn't killed that fish.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 06-15-13 7:11 PM
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59

Speaking of music, which I think is what this thread is kind of about, I've been talking to a guy who is worried about what Pitchfork will say about him. Is that a big deal?


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 06-15-13 7:16 PM
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60

It sounds kind of made up, but as a name it clearly sucks less than Rolling Stone or Tiger Beat.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 06-15-13 7:19 PM
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61

I'm now the only person in the room wearing khakis. This is something I just noticed.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 06-15-13 7:21 PM
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62

It's probably been true since I've been coming here. I'm not very attentive.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 06-15-13 7:23 PM
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63

I did notice the guy with the Pirates jersey with Hebrew letters, but that was surprising. You'd think he could make the Pirates suck less, given the whole run-the-world thing.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 06-15-13 7:31 PM
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64

61: What are the other people wearing?


Posted by: torrey pine (YK) | Link to this comment | 06-15-13 7:38 PM
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65

He denied that he ran the world, so I called the cops and reported the stolen t-shirt.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 06-15-13 7:38 PM
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66

64: Jeans mostly.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 06-15-13 7:40 PM
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67

You'd think he could make the Pirates suck less, given the whole run-the-world thing.

Hey, the Pirates have the third best record in the major leagues.


Posted by: Cryptic ned | Link to this comment | 06-15-13 7:42 PM
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68

Somebody told me St. Louis and Cincinnati were better. I assumed they were telling a joke.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 06-15-13 7:49 PM
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69

Right, the three best record in the major leagues are all in the NL Central.


Posted by: Cryptic ned | Link to this comment | 06-15-13 7:50 PM
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70

I wish I put a cabbage in a patch with a match in a ten-foot corridor.


Posted by: text | Link to this comment | 06-15-13 8:14 PM
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71

dude where's my riff?


Posted by: text | Link to this comment | 06-15-13 8:25 PM
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72

Hey, the Pirates have the third best record in the major leagues.

Beat 'em Bucs! Get out the green weenie! (my inner ten-year-old emerges with gratuitous 1960s Pirate fandom).


Posted by: bill | Link to this comment | 06-16-13 7:38 AM
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73

Filthy Richmond is often makes me cringe.


Posted by: will | Link to this comment | 06-16-13 8:13 AM
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74

I just had a moment with $partner which underlined Unfogged's contribution to my depravity. I was attempting to describe why I was giggling over some of the word play, and suddenly realized it was making no sense to her as I kept explaining more and more. Eventually, I stopped.


Posted by: Grumbles | Link to this comment | 06-16-13 1:54 PM
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75

||

This might be fun for the Mineshaft:

So my SIL posts on FB that my 16 year old nephew has found and decided to rescue a litter of day-old rabbits. She asks what should be done with them. I reply "stuff with onions, mushrooms and red peppers, bake at 350 for an hour." Bit of a jackass thing to say, but funny for the jerky uncle to say, right?

Nephew gets in a huff, and comments "You know, Chopper, it's possible to be funny without being an asshole!"

I'm currently physically restraining myself from replying "It's also possible to have ADHD and not flunk out of high school, so I guess we've both got something to work on."

Anybody got anything better?

|>


Posted by: Chopper | Link to this comment | 06-16-13 9:11 PM
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76

59: I kind of think that if he's even worried that pitchfork is going to say much of anything he's got it all going on self-esteem wise and should just chill...till the next episode. if pitchfork told everyone who ever read pitchfork that his band sucked, yeah, it would be bad--in a way. no one admits to reading pitchfork, ever, but clearly people do. but maybe they don't read it real careful? so then they see your friend's band name somewhere and feel a vague sense of pitchforque--realizing they should have an opinion, but not having one. that's good, though! it means people feel guilty and that they should have heard of his band!

unless he's like charlie brown upside down on the pitcher's mound suddenly worrying about what the guys who do the live audio of yankees games are going to say about him. if it's the latter I suggest just sighing and rolling your eyes and saying, "5c, please." or possibly, "of all the 'mobyhicksfriend'snameheres,' you're the 'mobyhicksfriendsnamehersiest.'" my husband has convinced our children to love peanuts. actual 1960s strips...some shit is funny. but! I! I mean, if I want to do anything about it, it's clearly up to my slack ass to read pogo aloud for 30 minutes each night.


Posted by: alameida | Link to this comment | 06-16-13 9:13 PM
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77

A rabbit that small would be ruined by a hour at 350.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 06-16-13 9:13 PM
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78

I've been talking to a guy who is worried about what Pitchfork will say about him. Is that a big deal?

Sounds like sort of a humblebrag if he has good reason to think Pitchfork will review his work, or delusions of something (I don't think this really rises to the level of "grandeur") if he doesn't.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 06-16-13 9:18 PM
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79

like he comments on FB or he actually says to you IRL? if he more or less called you an asshole in person, then I commend your restraint in walking into another room to ATM. if it was a wiseacre comment on a stupid thread on some dumbass facebook post about some little fucked-up rabbits that aren't even going to live, then take the high road and ignore everything. so obvious, dude. you're not even thinking straight at all here, if it's this latter case. 16-year-olds are dipshits! I was a dipshit! you were a dipshit! let the dipshittery pass through you, and only you will remain.


Posted by: alameida | Link to this comment | 06-16-13 9:18 PM
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80

There's like eight of them. I thought one would line them up in a terrine, pour some stock over them, crust of breadcrumbs and parmesan. One might have to put a napkin over one's head to eat them, but I wouldn't think they'd dry out too bad.


Posted by: Chopper | Link to this comment | 06-16-13 9:19 PM
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81

79: To be clear, I'm not going to post anything. I just gave the little douche's comment a"Like" and left it at that. But c'mon, I had to post the epic burn *someplace.*


Posted by: Chopper | Link to this comment | 06-16-13 9:22 PM
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82

76.1: I did manage to forget the name of his band. Also what kind of music it was.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 06-16-13 9:23 PM
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83

I think the best move in an argument with an earnest teenager is cryptic restraint.


Posted by: Jackmormon | Link to this comment | 06-16-13 9:24 PM
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84

seriously, chopper, in your own account of the situation, you started it! you made a jackass comment! you slapped him once hard as fuck on his inner forearm, he slapped you back likewise, the balance of the world was restored. (this is what my daughters do when someone loses a hugely complicated clapping/chanting game. it stings like fuck but doesn't leave a mark, so no one gets in trouble even if someone becomes ALB.)


Posted by: alameida | Link to this comment | 06-16-13 9:24 PM
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85

oh, ok fine. the terrine idea is not madness but I still think the cooking time is too long.


Posted by: alameida | Link to this comment | 06-16-13 9:25 PM
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86

and yes, ICE-COLD burn.


Posted by: alameida | Link to this comment | 06-16-13 9:26 PM
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87

78: He didn't volunteer it or anything. I was asking him questions since I know he has a band. He was pretty open about the non-glam parts as well as the brag parts. Like when I asked how he gets to New York, he said Megabus.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 06-16-13 9:28 PM
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88

He didn't volunteer it or anything. I was asking him questions since I know he has a band.

Okay, but obviously you didn't ask him about Pitchfork specifically since you had apparently never heard of it.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 06-16-13 9:35 PM
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89

I started it, but with his MOM. It DOESN'T COUNT.


Posted by: Chopper | Link to this comment | 06-16-13 9:35 PM
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90

feel a vague sense of pitchforque

"Pitchforque" of course being the amount a given Pitchfork review turns general opinion about its subject.


Posted by: nosflow | Link to this comment | 06-16-13 9:40 PM
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91

yes, I did intend it to be more like its having piqued one's interest, but the definition in 90 does sound more plausible.


Posted by: alameida | Link to this comment | 06-16-13 10:33 PM
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92

I wish it to be known that I had to look this up. I'm surprised that I've almost certainly never heard the original before - I don't even recognize the tune - because I was still listening to the radio back when it came out.

I only know it because it features on the first 2 Many DJs album to get a release in the UK. But that does mean I've listened to it a lot. And I've no idea what that line is about.

unless he's like charlie brown upside down on the pitcher's mound suddenly worrying about what the guys who do the live audio of yankees games are going to say about him.

I wish I was in Pitchfork,
I wish I pleased the people which talk,
About Charlie Brown, upside-down on the pitcher's mound in Pittsburgh.



Posted by: Ginger Yellow | Link to this comment | 06-17-13 5:07 AM
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93

I don't wanna be filled with doubt
I don't wanna be a good boy scout
I don't wanna have to learn to count
I don't wanna have the biggest amount


Posted by: OPINIONATED TOM WAITS | Link to this comment | 06-17-13 8:01 AM
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94

Jenny Lawson submits a late entry


Posted by: Ginger Yellow | Link to this comment | 07-14-13 3:39 AM
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95

I only yesterday was made aware of the Googlepoem as an art form, e.g. this one and this one.


Posted by: chris y | Link to this comment | 07-14-13 3:57 AM
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