Re: I would like to create some sort of pagan harvest festival built around this scene.

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I can't read a 400,000-word CAPITALS-and-EXCLAMATION-POINTS!!!!-laden fisking session mocking something that was intended to be taken seriously by its creators. I just can't. It's too painful.


Posted by: Cryptic ned | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 3:18 PM
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But it's so funny!


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 3:20 PM
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Is it? I think I'm done with the Jezebel writing style, and if anything that made me want to see this movie more.


Posted by: Robert Halford | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 3:29 PM
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Grantland has a respectful (but not really positive) review of Canyons. Even when I haven't seen the movie I'm willing to review the reviews.


Posted by: PGD | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 3:33 PM
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Huh, why did that happen? Here is the link, which I tried but failed to embed:

http://www.grantland.com/blog/hollywood-prospectus/post/_/id/83408/in-the-shallow-the-canyons-lindsay-lohan-goes-deep


Posted by: PGD | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 3:34 PM
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Now, 5 is an actually good movie review that's not written in Gawker-mediaese. Molly Lambert is pretty great.


Posted by: Robert Halford | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 3:37 PM
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That REVIEW made me want to BASH my head in. BECAUSE LOUD AND STUPID, duh. GIRLS ARE STUPID, amirite?!?!

And then I read 5 and actually learned something.


Posted by: F | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 3:52 PM
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Actually, I rather like Lindy West.


Posted by: rob helpy-chalk | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 3:58 PM
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I think I'm just tired of her schtick. I used to be entertained by it when she was with the Stranger, but it's not doing it for me anymore. It also seems to me to be getting a bit harsher, as if it were getting slowly corrupted by genuine bitterness.


Posted by: F | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 4:03 PM
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I loove Bret Easton Ellis. I have watched The Informers least three times, back when I was watching any English-language media. I despise myself for liking The Informers, but not as much as BEE despises me. That makes me feel special, but I'm not, only more reason for BEE to despise me. He's so cool and brave. I'm serious

From link in 5:

But mostly I resented it because I was so deeply in denial that the superficial, fame-seeking, drug-addled, sexually licentious but spiritually empty world he depicted in his work even existed at all in Los Angeles, which, duh, it totally does.

Shit, you think you and Hollywood are special?


Posted by: bob mcmanus | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 4:12 PM
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There does seem to be a lot of bitterness at Jezebel these days. They and Valleywag are desperate to come up with something that can ignite storms of outrage. For Valleywag the point of half the articles is "These people are [rich snobs / oblivious rich people / rich fucks] and you should hate them." For Jezebel it's "These people are [sexist / misogynist / creepy / stalkery / slut-shaming / mansplaining / generalizing about women / the dreaded "nice guy"/ an apologist for one of the above] and you should hate them." I don't know about the other Sub-Gawkers - the main Gawker seems all right.

People who are familiar with the topic of a mainstream news article generally respond by saying "Wow, that author did not know much about that topic". People who are familiar with the topic of a Gawker Media article generally respond by saying "Fuck you, you assholes. You took everything you could out of context, and then rephrased everything else to sound like the world's stupidest strawman." Being a fan of director Paul Schrader, that was my response.


Posted by: Cryptic ned | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 4:19 PM
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Waah, we all don't like super funny jokes. Waaah.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 4:21 PM
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You mean JOKES that are SUPER FUNNY because we're like TELLING THEM TO YOU IN A MOVIE REVIEW AND THIS IS WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THE MOVIE AND I AM TELLING YOU ABOUT IT.


Posted by: Robert Halford | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 4:25 PM
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See? Think how unfunny 13 would be without the caps.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 4:34 PM
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I also didn't find that review funny! The style is lame!


Posted by: nosflow | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 4:35 PM
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It's all my fault. I should have deprecated the review so that you could all merrily contradict me and you all could have the pleasure of being right.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 4:38 PM
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We already have the pleasure of being right! It's you who are incorrectly feeling pleasure, despite being wrong!

Nothing is worse than someone being amused by the wrong thing!!!


Posted by: nosflow | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 4:42 PM
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I loove Bret Easton Ellis.

There it is: peak McManus.


Posted by: Von Wafer | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 4:44 PM
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Also, the review PGD linked in 5 really is quite good, and that's no surprise, as Molly Lambert is often quite good (even the stopped clock that is Grantland can be right at Molly Lambert and Brian Phillips o'clock).


Posted by: Von Wafer | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 4:47 PM
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17: I'm not sure how the arbiter of humor could find the wrong thing amusing. Check yourself.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 4:52 PM
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I still hate Simmons and would like to exile him to the island where James Worthy hunts him to death with specially-trained ferrets, but even I have to admit Grantland has a lot of good stuff these days. Lambert, Jonah Keri, Barnwell, and Zach Lowe are all very good, despite Lowe's Laker-hating. There's still sure a lot of overwriting over there, to be sure.


Posted by: Robert Halford | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 4:54 PM
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The latest from Phillips on Johnny Foosball is pretty brilliant.

And to give credit to Ms. West, I remember enjoying her review of SATC2.


Posted by: F | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 5:00 PM
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21: you're totally right about Keri, who's a very good baseball writer and a pretty good writer, full stop. Lowe knows an immense amount about basketball, but I don't enjoy his writing very much. He doesn't make anything come alive for me, and never bothers to turn a phrase. It's like he assumes that his readers love the game and appreciate its beauty, on its own terms, as much as he does, and so he doesn't have to do much work, other than maybe having a few extra GIFs. Meh. Barnwell is that but worse: he can't write at all (though he has been better lately, I think).


Posted by: Von Wafer | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 5:07 PM
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Heebie, the kid and I laughed at the review so hard we snorted.


Posted by: delagar | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 5:07 PM
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My longwinded but not very thoughtful criticism of superstar sportswriter Bill Simmons's website, Grantland: let me show you it.


Posted by: Von Wafer | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 5:10 PM
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As much as I don't like Simmons, I appreciated that he set the stage for Doc Rivers dismissing him as "a fan." Well, that's that, Bill. One of your heroes just said that you're not a pro. And nobody, including people on your payroll, will spring to your defense.


Posted by: Von Wafer | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 5:12 PM
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Would you like to hear more of my thoughts about Grantland, superstar sports journalist Bill Simmons's showcase for young writers who have read maybe just a bit too much McSweeney's -- they've pickled themselves in irony! -- but still want to write the occasional very earnest piece about the designated hitter rule? I have a lot to give. Watch out for my TED talk on the subject.


Posted by: Von Wafer | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 5:15 PM
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24 means I can officially squawk SEXISM!


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 5:16 PM
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I'm sort of tired of the Jezebel writing style, too, though god knows I've borrowed some of its tics. (One time a British friend told me how funny he thought the "because [noun]" construction was and I thought "oh, huh, that's just a thing I yoinked from everywhere in the blogosphere" but yes originally it was funny and different.)


Posted by: Mister Smearcase | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 5:23 PM
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I like Barnwell because his stuff is informative, vaguely simple minded, and basically totally style free. It's like a soothing throwback. Plus he's like eleven which amuses me no end. Whatserface who writes about hockey and weddings is great (aha Katie Baker). Jay Caspian Kang is kind of not terrible. Charles Pierce... it's good to see he's working, and hey, he name-dropped LGM the other day. I feel like Jonah Keri writes some good stuff sometimes.

Like the linked review, I don't find Grantland terribly compelling, but I also find no great reason to hate it. It sure has it all over the actual ESPN site, which seems to be designed to obscure the fact that it contains actual sentences as much as humanly possible.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 5:38 PM
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"oh, huh, that's just a thing I yoinked from everywhere in the blogosphere"

Wheels within wheels!


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 5:38 PM
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Eh, savaging a bad movie is pretty easy. It's the easiest form of movie reviewing, really. Writing a piece that cogently and originally describes why a good movie works is fairly difficult, on the other hand. And deciphering a bad movie to gain important insights on filmmaking and the culture in general is so hard to do right that few attempt it.

Storm's a'brewin'


Posted by: Natilo Paennim | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 5:41 PM
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What's wrong with doing things that are easy?


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 5:44 PM
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Lowe knows an immense amount about basketball, but I don't enjoy his writing very much.

If you don't like his style I'm not going to argue with you, but it's worth emphasizing the first half of that sentence as well. When I read his article about the Pelicans trading for Jrue Holiday, I was really impressed by the number of different aspects of NBA basketball that he could cover intelligently. In that piece he discusses (1) The Pelicans ownership, and salary/cap situation, (2) league wide trends is valuing draft picks (and the way in which those are shaped by the new CBA), (3) advanced metrics and statistical evaluations of player performance (4) detailed X's and O's breakdown of player's strengths and weaknesses (5) discussion of on-court chemistry and how the players would fit together.

There are very few writers who could take that broad a perspective and not end up writing something silly along the way (Bill Simmons is a classic example of someone who will write an article with 8 fascinating observations, 1-2 of which are wrong).


Posted by: NickS | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 5:50 PM
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Link to article.


Posted by: NickS | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 5:50 PM
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You know whose style gets really fucking repetitive? Junie B. Jones's. 'Cause thats the thing that Mrs. called a gimmick. Only I am a one-trick pony, that's why. Only want to know something else? That's cause I'm gimmicky. And repetitive.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 5:51 PM
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I enjoyed the first one. But know what? Not the second. Only cause it's repetitive, that's why.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 5:52 PM
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36: also, what's with her being all like "you've never heard of me, Sifu"?


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 5:52 PM
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I know, cause what what?


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 5:54 PM
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34: yeah, I agree. I mean, I used "immense" for a reason: he's incredibly knowledgeable. And you're his target demographic: someone who LOVES the game, keeps up with it at a very fine-grained level, and thus doesn't require good writing in order to make it to the end of a 3,000-word piece on the salary cap problems facing the Raptors.


Posted by: Von Wafer | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 5:57 PM
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30: I didn't know that Barnwell is young. As in the case of the author of the Eragon books, that makes me like him quite a bit more.

Mostly, though, I'm not even a little bit invested in disliking internet pioneer Bill Simmon's cross-platform synergy machine, Grantland. As you say, no matter how twee it may be, it beats the shit out of most sports writing out there. Still, the memeification of everything gets to be a bit much for an older gentleman like me. My lawn!


Posted by: Von Wafer | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 6:00 PM
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. . . doesn't require good writing in order to make it to the end of a 3,000-word piece on the salary cap problems facing the Raptors.

It's true, I probably would read that.


Posted by: NickS | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 6:01 PM
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I admit that Lowe can be pretty boring but you sure do learn a lot from him, plus my seething rage at his Lakers hatred keeps things sufficiently piquant to hold my interest.


Posted by: Robert Halford | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 6:02 PM
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It's true, I probably would read that.

Once upon a time, me too. But I realized after the most recent Finals that I had watched maybe fifteen minutes of basketball all season. And it's not like the game has gotten worse. I have.


Posted by: Von Wafer | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 6:08 PM
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Seriously, I can't figure out how people with kids (I don't think that's you, NickS, right?) and a job find the time to maintain their commitment to fandom. Regardless, given that I can't do it, I don't read aging fratboy cum virtual tycoon Bill Simmon's taste-making sensation, Grantland, for serious insights into sports. Because, as sad as it makes me to mark the passage of time and the foreclose of possibility by admitting it, I don't really care about sports these days. And that's why I admire someone like Keri, who manages to tell a great story while also making with the Bill James hijinks.


Posted by: Von Wafer | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 6:15 PM
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I can't figure out how people with kids (I don't think that's you, NickS, right?) and a job find the time to maintain their commitment to fandom.

Also, I don't have cable. On the other hand I have seen as many as three sox games this season and they really are looking sharp.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 6:17 PM
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Following sports that have one three week marquee event a year and where the best way to watch them is early in the movie via illegal online stream seems like a better way to go.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 6:18 PM
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as if it were getting slowly corrupted by genuine bitterness.

One of us! One of us!


Posted by: rob helpy-chalk | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 6:18 PM
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(I don't think that's you, NickS, right?)

Correct. I've already mostly given up playing basketball (not that I'm any good) in favor of work. If I had a kid I'm sure that I would stop following it as closely.


Posted by: NickS | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 6:19 PM
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45 -- it's easier if you confine your fandom to what really should be its natural object anyway, a specific team. It's reasonably easy to figure out what's going on with your own team via the internet and even (through the magic of the DVR) to watch large portions of games. I find it extremely difficult to really keep up with sports as a whole, though. Even in MLB, which I follow much more closely than the NBA, I know a lot about the Dodgers and just barely enough about how other teams are doing to have a graps on ways in which their play might affect the Dodgers. For the NBA, it's basically just Lakers and knowing a little about superstars and largely ignoring the rest until the playoffs.


Posted by: Robert Halford | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 6:20 PM
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I read an article the other day (this one) that made me more committed than ever to avoiding paying for cable. However much I like sports, I sure as shit don't like it sixty bucks a month worth.

On the other hand a cricket-themed bar just opened down the street from us, so maybe I should get into cricket.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 6:20 PM
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Here's how much I don't follow sports: I just looked at the baseball standings for the first time this season. I admit that I already knew the Sox were doing well, but I had no clue that the Indians were playing okay, that Roberto Tigre's Dodgers were tearing it up, and that, most embarrassing of all, the Giants completely suck. Also, the Braves? Is Greg Maddux on the hill tonight? And I'm not even going to mention the Pirates, because I don't want to jinx them and have half the commenters here hate me (even more than they already do).


Posted by: Von Wafer | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 6:25 PM
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that Roberto Tigre's Dodgers were tearing it up

A fairly recent development, admittedly.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 6:30 PM
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50 makes a lot of sense. The problem is that I've moved too much to have any natural loyalties any more. I still like the Celtics and the Bears, because my dad raised me that way, but, because I'm on the other side of the country, I don't live or die with either team. If the Cavs or Indians got really good, I might bother caring. But even then, I'm not going to try to convince my boys to become Cleveland sports fans (what kind of a sadistic dick would do that?). And I never really cared much for West Coast teams -- except the Sonics; fuck you, David Stern -- so it's kind of tough. The boys sort of like the Giants, because they've been good and they're nearby, but I'm not especially invested in rooting for a team that I associate with Barry Bonds, and they might grow to like the 49ers, because Kaepernick is just the sort of post-racial hero this great nation needs, and I could be okay with that, I guess, but Bay Area sports really aren't meaningful to me either way.


Posted by: Von Wafer | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 6:32 PM
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For their first 30 wins, they went 30-47. For their second 30 wins, they went 30-7. They haven't lost even a single a road game in a month (there's one going on tonight that I've now inevitably jinxed). People are bringing Cuban flags to Dodger Stadium and I'm wondering whether if I ever had a son he should be named Clayton Yasiel Halford or Yasiel Hanley Halford. It's been a nice month. /fandom.


Posted by: Robert Halford | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 6:34 PM
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55 to 53. To 54, how about deciding to be a hero and making your kids become A's fans instead? You live in the far East Bay.


Posted by: Robert Halford | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 6:37 PM
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56: have you been to OACC? It's just about the worst place to watch a ballgame in the history of ever. And I grew up suffering through Indians' games at Municipal Stadium. Having said that, I can imagine trying to convince my boys to love the Warriors. Not only are the Golden State fans great, but the uniform is maybe the best in the league. The team also sort of reminds me of my once-beloved Sonics, though I can't quite say why (maybe because GP was/is from the East Bay?). The problem, of course, is that I should steer them toward the Kings, but then we're back to a team filled with hateful characters that just held up a city that could have used that stadium money for something superfluous, like education.


Posted by: Von Wafer | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 6:46 PM
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I'm choosing to assume the last "it" in 49 refers to the hypothetical kid.


Posted by: Thorn | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 6:48 PM
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Papas don't let your kids grow up to root for teams that play in Oakland... isn't, but should be, how the song goes.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 6:50 PM
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I still hate Simmons and would like to exile him to the island where James Worthy hunts him to death with specially-trained ferrets

Awesome. I'm totally picturing him doing this in Klingon gear like that time he was on Star Trek TNG.


Posted by: gswift | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 6:58 PM
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That was pretty weird when Bill Simmons played a Klingon on Star Trek: TNG.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 7:05 PM
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||

Holy crap does that email take a load off my mind. Chance that my project will get stolen from me by virtue of my having, you know, had a baby and not had much time to work this summer, now near zero. Time for a drink!

|>


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 7:18 PM
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Yay Sifu!


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 7:20 PM
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Woo, not having things stolen!


Posted by: essear | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 7:22 PM
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Hear me, o project thieves: I have many projects available for the taking.


Posted by: Natilo Paennim | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 7:25 PM
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more committed than ever to avoiding paying for cable.

Cable seems horribly expensive for mostly nothing but once in a while Turner Classic Movies calls out in its seductive voice.


Posted by: Mister Smearcase | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 7:29 PM
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I don't feel like pause/playing and shouldn't just complain about how miserable I've made myself all the time anyway because bitterness, but it seems like if I want to get what I want out of life (keeping Nia, staying in a relationship for as long as we can) I'm going to need to find a new home for my cats, and fuck. I know it is not great that they spend most of their time in the basement when they could be in a magical better home where they won't poop on or eat people's belongings, but I hate having to think about how many beings in this household I've trapped in a not-better home. Probably everybody.


Posted by: Thorn | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 7:32 PM
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We kicked the cable habit about eighteen months ago for almost a year, but then we went back for access to new Phineas and Ferb episodes. But more and more, we don't watch network or cable television; we use netflix or hulu or amazon prime or buy a season of The Good Wife from iTunes. Given that, and given the absurd cost, it's probably time to quit again, though I fear that we're still in contract for another year+. Fuckin' Obama's fault for strangling this economy.


Posted by: Von Wafer | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 7:34 PM
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It's just about the worst place to watch a ballgame in the history of ever.

It's still a pretty cheap stadium to go to, though. Even my parents will go to the occasional A's game, and they're cheapskates (and huge fans).

On the other hand a cricket-themed bar just opened down the street from us, so maybe I should get into cricket.)

I have probably mentioned before that asking Brits and former Commonwealth people to explain the rules of cricket has been a never-fail flirtation technique. Since I genuinely want to understand it, am familiar with a a lot of the vocabulary from Wodehouse, and absolutely never manage to put the pieces into an understandable game, I can usually work up an expression of interested perplexity, which has proved fail-safe.


Posted by: | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 7:35 PM
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Crap. 69 was me.


Posted by: Jackmormon | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 7:36 PM
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I often believe that I approximately understand cricket on some level.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 7:37 PM
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Probably everybody.

I doubt it. We had to get rid of our cat a few years ago -- allergies -- and he ended up in a fantastic home where he gets lots of attention and where they don't seem to care that he destroys the furniture, stays up all night making more noise than a creature that size should be able to make, and kills birds whenever he gets outside. God, what a terrible cat he was and still is.


Posted by: Von Wafer | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 7:39 PM
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a not-better home

Doesn't that describe everyone's home?


Posted by: Jackmormon | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 7:42 PM
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67, I'm sure you are doing the best you can. At least you're not hoarding either cats or children. It could be worse.

69.last, seconded. I also don't understand poker in a similar way. It just never sticks.


Posted by: ydnew | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 7:42 PM
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I got rid of my cats a few years ago (yep, allergies) and boy oh boy is their new situation cat heaven. The trick, it turns out, is to find other unfogged commenters who are basically a cat's greatest friend on this planet. It was nerve-wracking and a bummer before I worked that out, though. Also, they no longer pee on things. The cats, not the commenters.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 7:43 PM
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67: Maybe Smearcase can swing by and pick them up on his way west.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 7:43 PM
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67: Maybe Smearcase can swing by and pick them up on his way west.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 7:43 PM
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Dammit.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 7:43 PM
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72: Yeah, I'll probably be able to find a good place for them, plus anyone here will be welcome to their ridiculous cat toilet once they no longer need it. I am just being self-pitying because I'm so sick of being the one who's making sacrifices even though I know it's my job and mostly something I've put on myself. It would just be really nice to have someone take care of me for a few days, but that's never going to happen. (And mostly this is the frustration and sunburn and cramps and backache and migraine and black eye talking, so I know I'm not at my best and at least I did well at keeping that from everyone else today, but that takes its toll.)


Posted by: Thorn | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 7:44 PM
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I just do not get Twitter.


Posted by: essear | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 7:46 PM
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All these kids senior professors with their tweets and their hashtags need to get off my lawn.


Posted by: essear | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 7:46 PM
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69.2: It works the other way around, too.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 7:46 PM
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the frustration and sunburn and cramps and backache and migraine and black eye talking

Wait, did you get beaten up after falling asleep in the sun while holding something very heavy? Because that totally used to happen to me all the time -- until we got rid of our cat. Also, people here are, it seems to me, almost always interested in listening to what you have to see, even when what you have to say is that you're miserable, which is sort of like taking care of you, no?


Posted by: Von Wafer | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 7:49 PM
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80 and 81 are, if you think about it for a minute, totally on point.


Posted by: Von Wafer | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 7:50 PM
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1st see sb say. See?


Posted by: Von Wafer | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 7:51 PM
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Thorn, that sucks. I will say that I got rid of my dog recently (went to the ex's and is totally happy there) and it was a gigantic relief and happiness-improver, I liked the dog but hadn't realized the constant low-level anxiety I'd had about not treating that dog as well as she needed to be treated. I still have two cats who enjoy throwing up everywhere, but whom I love because they are sexy and condescending.


Posted by: Robert Halford | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 7:54 PM
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Yes, sorry, people here are beyond fantastic at taking care of me, and it amazes and humbles me. There is so much kindness.

Let's see, the backache is perpetual, the migraine is weather-related, the cramps do their thing, the black eye is that Mara headbutted me in the dark the other night and smashed my glasses into my face, and the sunburn is from spending hours at the track with them Sunday. I should probably get back on painkillers or something. I remember when I got Celebrex I think it was and woke up every day not feeling like my body was fighting me (and I'm not even a dualist, I swear!) but pain that's tolerable seems better than heart attack risk and all that. It's just the emotional isolation that's hard, which is again why I'm so grateful for the amazing amount of friendshp and support I've gotten here.


Posted by: Thorn | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 7:55 PM
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Yes, sorry, people here are beyond fantastic at taking care of me, and it amazes and humbles me. There is so much kindness.

Well, that's not quite how I meant it, but I'm glad to see that you've come around. As my uncle once said to me, "There's magic in the world. You just have to keep an eye out." What a dick.


Posted by: Von Wafer | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 7:57 PM
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the sunburn is from spending hours at the track with them Sunday

Do you have some inside numbers or are you just picking promising perfectas from the racing form or what?


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 7:57 PM
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90

As my uncle once said to me, "There's magic in the world. You just have to keep an eye out."

In the land of magic the one-eyed man is king.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 7:57 PM
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"Stop with that magic! You might put an eye out."


Posted by: essear | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 7:58 PM
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Also, chronic pain, especially if it keeps you from sleeping well, is no fucking joke. Given that givens, I wouldn't want to say that it's as serious as heart attack, but you know what I mean.


Posted by: Von Wafer | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 7:58 PM
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JESUS, that s/b the. This is why I almost never comment: I'm bad at it.


Posted by: Von Wafer | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 7:59 PM
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89: I was hoping I'd sound a bit like my great-grandfather talking about the ponies, but no, just in my parents' wealthier suburb where our town swept the young girls' standing long jump and probably would have even had my two and one of Mara's fellow soon-to-be-kindergarteners hadn't jumped otherwise unopposed. I reapplied sunscreen three times, but the black track and black plastic whatever in the fake grass of the soccer field made it like being in a pan in the oven. Also, Nia doesn't believe I'm actually burned because I'm not peeling and thinks I'm just using it as an excuce to not pick them up or let them sit on my lap and sprawl all over me while I read the bedtime story, which is only partly true.


Posted by: Thorn | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 8:01 PM
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I'm having trouble sleeping this week and probably will have to meet a grumpy crackpot tomorrow morning. Sigh.


Posted by: essear | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 8:02 PM
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96

A very old crackpot. I bet he has one o' them twittering machines.


Posted by: essear | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 8:04 PM
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97

I might still hold the standing long jump record for second grade at my (you know, former) elementary school.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 8:05 PM
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have you been to OACC? It's just about the worst place to watch a ballgame in the history of ever.

But you can get 2nd deck seats directly behind home plate for not a lot of cash, and good seats in a bad stadium > mediocre seats in a good stadium.


Posted by: Josh | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 8:08 PM
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97 is adorable, though a little creepy if you're still keeping tabs. Both girls are 46-47 inches tall and Nia's best jump was 49 inches and Mara's I think 46. But neither of them is in second grade yet, so you have nothing to fear. Neither of them had ever jumped (or run on a track) before, but now that they have gold medals they're interestd in trying again.

And I'm not good at getting to sleep, but I do sleep eventually. I'm just staying up tonight becaus sometimes it's nice to be alone in a quiet house, though I'll be kicking myself for it in the morning.


Posted by: Thorn | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 8:10 PM
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99: I don't actually know if it has held up. But one clings to the sports records one has, and maybe in these post-president's physical fitness challenge days people don't care anymore.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 8:16 PM
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Pause / Play to go back to the OP for a sec:

I have no doubt that The Canyons is a terrible, terrible movie, not least because that's what tends to happen when you cast a professional wreck and a porn star in the lead roles in your movie. (Not that pronstars can't have acting ability, it's just that those abilities are rather specific.)

However, in regards to length-of-rant and the queasy sense that we're on the dark border between

a) watching somebody use barbed humour to work through their anger and

b) watching somebody spiral into the bowels of Internets-fuelled no-foolin' madness,

Lindy West is sort of seeming at this point, judging purely by that TOTALLY! FUNNY! REVIEW! like about a 7.5 on the Sady Doyle Scale. (At 10 on that scale you wind up with something that appears close to authentic psychosis and shit like this happens. Not sure what the dude counterpart of this is... maybe the Jim Lileks Scale.)

I'm starting to think that ranting-as-a-profession should come with a warning label about overall mental health, is what I'm sayin.


Posted by: Lord Castock | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 8:17 PM
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Gawker, Jezebel and Deadspin have curdled in their own stews. Or perhaps I'm just too old to be impressed by paid anger.


Posted by: Flippanter | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 8:17 PM
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Oh hey awesome I did cause the Dodgers' road victory streak to end. Roberto Tigre strikes again.


Posted by: Robert Halford | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 8:33 PM
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My cat saved my sanity in 2001 and is wrecking it now. After she goes to college (the euphemism I have selected for going the way of all cats!) I will not have another for a while.

80: Twitter is endlessly stupid but I keep hammering away at it for some reason. It still feels to me like millions of people standing talking to themselves hoping someone will hear them, but everyone is too busy talking.


Posted by: Mister Smearcase | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 8:36 PM
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Don't fuck with my standing long jump record.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 8:36 PM
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105 to 103. Neither smearcase, his cat, nor twitter probably interact with my standing long jump record at all.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 8:39 PM
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I have probably mentioned before that asking Brits and former Commonwealth people to explain the rules of cricket has been a never-fail flirtation technique.

I'm curious if "people" here would mean predominantly men, or enough women for it to be worth a shot.


Posted by: Minivet | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 8:44 PM
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106: Cat diabetes gives you peripheral neuropathy. (For values of "you" that are cats.) Sometimes she can't jump onto the bed. Your record is safe.


Posted by: Mister Smearcase | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 8:44 PM
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Seconding 107 over here...


Posted by: Lord Castock | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 8:53 PM
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Twitter is endlessly stupid but I keep hammering away at it for some reason. It still feels to me like millions of people standing talking to themselves hoping someone will hear them, but everyone is too busy talking.

You and I have very different experiences of Twitter. It probably helps that I don't expect much interpersonal interaction from it; it's mostly a source of amusing links and images for me. (E.g.)


Posted by: Josh | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 8:56 PM
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sunburn and cramps and backache and migraine and black eye

Ouch. Good wishes, and I hope you feel better. My experience is definitely that pain makes fatigue much worse -- both pain itself is tiring and brings out an unpleasant edge to feeling tired.


Posted by: NickS | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 9:00 PM
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107: Can't help; it was always doe-eyed IIT men for me.


Posted by: clew | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 9:43 PM
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Sadly, gender roles being what they are, I think straight dudes are generally stuck being explainers of sports in these situations. Luckily (North) America has plenty of weird sports that no one else understands.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 10:01 PM
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I learned a lot about basketball from some lesbian friends. I think I perceived that straight guys would find it distatefully queer for me to ask them to explain things like the pick and roll.


Posted by: Bave | Link to this comment | 08- 6-13 10:34 PM
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I'm curious if "people" here would mean predominantly men, or enough women for it to be worth a shot.

In my experience almost totally men, at least in the UK. I know plenty of sport-watching women, and not one of them watches cricket. Football, yes. Rugby, yes. Tennis, yes. American football, yes. Baseball, yes. Cricket, no.


Posted by: Ginger Yellow | Link to this comment | 08- 7-13 2:27 AM
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116. And yet if you go to a well attended cricket match you'll find that the gender mix on the stands is much the same as at football. Maybe you just know some weird women.


Posted by: chris y | Link to this comment | 08- 7-13 4:12 AM
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I have probably mentioned before that asking Brits and former Commonwealth people to explain the rules of cricket has been a never-fail flirtation technique.

Suddenly several rather odd conversations I have had with Americans start to make sense.


Posted by: ajay | Link to this comment | 08- 7-13 4:25 AM
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"Tell me of the leg-before-wicket rules of your homeworld, Usul."


Posted by: ajay | Link to this comment | 08- 7-13 4:26 AM
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Also, former Commonwealth people? Are there any? The Irish, I suppose, but they aren't cricketers anyway, by and large.


Posted by: ajay | Link to this comment | 08- 7-13 4:30 AM
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Just you wait, laddie. Pride goeth before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.


Posted by: chris y | Link to this comment | 08- 7-13 4:41 AM
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My home village in Scotland has a (good) cricket team and my ex's Dad was a big cricket player/fan, but I have to admit to remaining completely ignorant of the rules and finding it utterly incomprehensible until fairly recently. So asking me to explain the rules would have been a failed chat-up technique.


Posted by: nattarGcM ttaM | Link to this comment | 08- 7-13 4:43 AM
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Although in fact the future of cricket is neither past nor present Commonwealth.


Posted by: chris y | Link to this comment | 08- 7-13 4:46 AM
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Are there any?

Currently, Ireland, Zimbabwe and Fiji.


Posted by: chris y | Link to this comment | 08- 7-13 4:55 AM
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124

Commonwealth, Empire, tomato, tomahto.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 08- 7-13 5:44 AM
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125 is the weirdest football chant ever.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 08- 7-13 5:49 AM
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122: It would have turned into asking the rules of whatever your local Scottish sport was, caber-tossing or bashing people with bricks or whatever.


Posted by: Cryptic ned | Link to this comment | 08- 7-13 5:50 AM
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127: oh like you've never heard of heroin-punch.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 08- 7-13 5:51 AM
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If you're classy, you float hypodermics in the punch-bowl as a decoration.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 08- 7-13 5:56 AM
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129

Tedra left us some mueslix she'd had in the car, and I think this is the dreariest breakfast I've ever eaten.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 08- 7-13 6:01 AM
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Re Sifu's article in 51 and other comments re cable, we have NO use for cable, which we watch for MAYBE a half hour a month. (We watch tv, but it's netflix or etc.) So I'd love to get rid of cable. But what do you do for internet access? Needless to say, we use that heavily. Time Warner claims that my bill won't go down at all if we drop cable, because they'll jack up the price to extortionist levels for home phone and internet access. (Er, sorry, I mean they'll have to remove the special "promotional" cable+internet+phone bundle pricing we've had for the last five years.) And we could do without the home phone, which we also don't much use. But the internet...?


Posted by: urple | Link to this comment | 08- 7-13 6:02 AM
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I think we pay ~$30 for just internet. How much is the bundle?


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 08- 7-13 6:05 AM
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The bundle is ~$120 and internet alone (dropping home phone and cable) was, I think they said, $75. Or an unchanged $120 just to drop cable and keep phone + internet.


Posted by: urple | Link to this comment | 08- 7-13 6:07 AM
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130: Is it supposed to taste good, or just make you poop?


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 08- 7-13 6:07 AM
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131: get a smartphone with an unlimited-data plan and use it as a Wifi hotspot. That's what I do. But that might not be ideal if you watch a lot of video, because the bandwidth isn't as good.


Posted by: ajay | Link to this comment | 08- 7-13 6:07 AM
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$30/mo would be wonderful.


Posted by: urple | Link to this comment | 08- 7-13 6:09 AM
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Just looked it up. $30 is our "rate" and with taxes and fees, it's $41/month.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 08- 7-13 6:11 AM
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I've considered 135--that the only alternative to TWC that I know. But we do watch a lot of video and also the cell reception is very poor in the basement (where the tv is) so it seems like it might not be a good solution.


Posted by: urple | Link to this comment | 08- 7-13 6:11 AM
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I've sort of assumed that if I actually threatened to cut off internet access altogether by refusing to pay the quoted $75 price, then suddenly they'd find some other "promotion" and that quoted price would come down. But I don't know how much.


Posted by: urple | Link to this comment | 08- 7-13 6:13 AM
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My belief is that bandwidths are changing all the time and therefore rates change all the time and become highly negotiable. For example, I was paying $40 for crappy internet, and I called for some unrelated reason and they said "We don't offer that package any more. You should do $30 for better internet instead, or $35 for awesome internet."

Is there more than one provider in your region, so that you can bullshit a little bit about competition?


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 08- 7-13 6:14 AM
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Telecom companies are thieves. That should be said.


Posted by: urple | Link to this comment | 08- 7-13 6:14 AM
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Is there more than one provider in your region, so that you can bullshit a little bit about competition?

Not other than the wifi hotspot option, which probably isn't a good option but I could certainly use it to bullshit.


Posted by: urple | Link to this comment | 08- 7-13 6:16 AM
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I'd indignantly ask for $30, like your friend down the street is getting, and see what happens.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 08- 7-13 6:17 AM
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Commonwealth, Empire, tomato, tomahto.

According to Wiki, there is actually a waiting list to get into the Commonwealth these days. Currently standing behind the velvet rope:
Algeria (hmm, tricky, though it would really annoy the French, which is a plus)

Madagascar (ooh, definitely. annoys the French, plus: lemurs! the Queen should have lemurs)

Somaliland (hmm, maybe wait until you're actually a country)

South Sudan (OK, you are a country now, just)

Sudan (too genocidey, plus we're still angry about General Gordon)

Surinam (formerly, apparently, the crown colony of Willoughbyland, and I think we should only let them in if they change their name back)

and Yemen (YOU MUST BE JOKING).


Posted by: ajay | Link to this comment | 08- 7-13 6:18 AM
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Oh, Thorn. I always admire you so much for doing the hard mental work always to try do the right thing.
I have been lucky enough lately to see my chronic pain really lifting, which let me have an amazing active holiday, and I can see how much difference it makes. If there is anything (safe) which would help your back and which you have been putting off, go for it. I went back to my therapeutic /orthopaedic massage person and it has really helped. Between his and the holiday I really feel I have got my mojo back. (Hols only had one downside but I was overdue for my next hopeless crush anyway.)


Posted by: emir | Link to this comment | 08- 7-13 6:19 AM
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The Irish, I suppose, but they aren't cricketers anyway, by and large
Sir: Since I have, with a blow of ball from my Hurley fashioned from the upas-tree, entirely smashed the stumps in the playing of a cricket-match, I must ask you to withdraw that remark. Otherwise kindly have your friends call upon mine to make the arrangements.


Posted by: OPINIONATED STEPHEN MATURIN | Link to this comment | 08- 7-13 6:24 AM
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I'm renewing my vehicle registration online. The Texas.gov front page has the following list of quicklinks:

Top 5 Services:
1. Vehicle Registration Renewal
2. Driver License Renewal
3. Driver Records
4. Concealed Handgun License
5. Vital Records

I just want everyone to be clear on our priorities.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 08- 7-13 6:24 AM
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Also, for no apparent reason there is a stats box to the side, which I assume refreshes with different stats, but the stat of the moment is Did you know? 5027 Texans renewed a concealed handgun license online last week. Mazel tov!


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 08- 7-13 6:26 AM
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Urple, AT&T covers your area too, right? Not that I'm saying they're any better, but you should be able to just get phone & internet easily.


Posted by: Thorn | Link to this comment | 08- 7-13 6:27 AM
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125 is the weirdest football chant ever.

I thought it was the beginning of the Laverne & Shirley theme song.


Posted by: Mister Smearcase | Link to this comment | 08- 7-13 6:28 AM
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re: 127/128

Haggis boxing.


Posted by: nattarGcM ttaM | Link to this comment | 08- 7-13 6:35 AM
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149: oh, thanks, last time I'd checked they didn't but now they do! That's a good option. Their posted prices are absurdly expensive but they also have reasonable "12-month promotional" prices that presumably would remain available for longer than 12 months.


Posted by: urple | Link to this comment | 08- 7-13 6:35 AM
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I wonder how long it would take my wife to notice if I cancelled cable and didn't tell her? I'm guessing six weeks.


Posted by: urple | Link to this comment | 08- 7-13 6:38 AM
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151: stalkin' deer, catchin' salmon, shootin' grouse and cullen skink.


Posted by: ajay | Link to this comment | 08- 7-13 6:40 AM
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We didn't cancel cable all the way. We just shifted down to the bare minimum, possibly so we didn't have to figure out how to return the box or maybe because we don't know how to use broadcast tv anymore.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 08- 7-13 6:41 AM
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re: 154

True. Although there hasn't been a significant cull of the Lowland Skink in several decades. I think the old skills are probably increasingly lost. I doubt more than one in fifty boys these days even knows how to guddle a skink.


Posted by: nattarGcM ttaM | Link to this comment | 08- 7-13 6:50 AM
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guddle a skink

You guys have me going there but that's one too far. Obviously, this is the Scottish version of snipe hunting.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 08- 7-13 6:53 AM
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Haggis boxing.

You must be eating some posh haggis if it comes in boxes. Last one I bought, the guy just put it in a plastic bag.


Posted by: chris y | Link to this comment | 08- 7-13 6:53 AM
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re: 157

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/guddle

[It's a Scots word]


Posted by: nattarGcM ttaM | Link to this comment | 08- 7-13 6:55 AM
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Actually, the wiktionary entry is better:

http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/guddle


Posted by: nattarGcM ttaM | Link to this comment | 08- 7-13 6:56 AM
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And, also, cullen skink:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cullen_skink

Compare skink:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Skink


Posted by: ajay | Link to this comment | 08- 7-13 6:58 AM
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129: If you're classy, you float hypodermics in the punch-bowl as a decoration.

Racing hypodermics down the ever-flowing gutters.

(One of my fondest Norman Rockwellian childhood memories is of "racing" blades of grass down the gutters after rainstorms. Our street had a good pitch for it.)


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 08- 7-13 7:10 AM
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I was thinking of a specific conversation about cricket with a South African guy, and to my relief, I discover that South Africa is technically both a previous and a current member of the Commonwealth. But really, it was a Commonwealth, Empire, Tomayto, Tomahto slip.


Posted by: Jackmormon | Link to this comment | 08- 7-13 7:11 AM
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116. And yet if you go to a well attended cricket match you'll find that the gender mix on the stands is much the same as at football. Maybe you just know some weird women.

Quite possibly. It is true that most of the women I work with at the moment are from either southern or eastern Europe, or America. But my other friends, including many British/Commonwealth types, don't include any cricket loving women either. Whereas I know several cricket mad blokes. For the most part their other halves bemusedly tolerate their obsession.


Posted by: | Link to this comment | 08- 7-13 8:06 AM
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Yemen (YOU MUST BE JOKING)

Colonies. I don't know. One minute the last governor is walking backwards up the airstair into his De Havilland Comet clutching his personal derringer even though he's surrounded by machine gun totin' guards, while smoke rises over the capital city, the next they want to be back in the gang!


Posted by: Alex | Link to this comment | 08- 7-13 11:37 AM
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Emir, thanks for the advice and I'm glad to hear you enjoyed yourself while you were gone! I'm also glad you're back.


Posted by: Thorn | Link to this comment | 08- 7-13 6:10 PM
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