Re: And a mechanic named Fixit.

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I have a hard time believing that this isn't parody, but that probably just indicates my lack of familiarity with the "inspirational quotes" genre.


Posted by: AcademicLurker | Link to this comment | 09-24-13 10:21 AM
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Don't forget about all these guys.


Posted by: nosflow | Link to this comment | 09-24-13 10:26 AM
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The first step on the road to success is ignoring the analogy ban.

Jesus is the driver, and your friends are speed bumps? So Jesus runs over your friends? Christ, what an asshole.


Posted by: MAE | Link to this comment | 09-24-13 10:27 AM
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1: I absolutely guarantee the person on FB posted in sincerely.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 09-24-13 10:29 AM
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Driving down the road of life distracted by talking on a cell phone called Unfogged.


Posted by: AcademicLurker | Link to this comment | 09-24-13 10:29 AM
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This is why the analogy ban needs to be universal policy. I mean, an analogy in the hands of an idiot is like a gun in the hands of a baby: certain to annoy.

Like your friends, the speedbumps.


Posted by: Annelid Gustator | Link to this comment | 09-24-13 10:31 AM
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Oh fuck why did I get in this taxi I think my driver's name is Muhammad.


Posted by: Barry Freed | Link to this comment | 09-24-13 10:32 AM
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By coincidence, the Inspirational Person in my FB feed just drove me to fix up a couple of her image files and post them in the Flickr pool.


Posted by: rob helpy-chalk | Link to this comment | 09-24-13 10:32 AM
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6 made me laugh out loud.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 09-24-13 10:32 AM
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Love your Enemies because otherwise you might get killed by cross-traffic.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 09-24-13 10:41 AM
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And to think, people don't want to read Pilgrim's Progress anymore.


Posted by: Mme. Merle | Link to this comment | 09-24-13 10:46 AM
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I can't remember if I have shared this before, but the local fundie church (non-denominational evangelical congregation comparable to a red state megachurch, except it's in PDBS, so it's a couple dozen people meeting in a vacant performance space) sets up a an allegorical obstacle course as part of a big annual town fair. Children are invited to make their way across the balance beam of faith while avoiding falling into sin and damnation (helpfully represented by cardboard flames) in order to reach salvation at the finish line. It's kind of a hoot, because the modal PDBS parent is too indulgent to forbid their pre-schooler from trying out the fun-looking game, but too secular to feel comfortable with it.


Posted by: knecht ruprecht | Link to this comment | 09-24-13 10:47 AM
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A little girl with a red wagon named Personal Growth.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 09-24-13 10:47 AM
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Recited at the ceremony of the couple in the previous post.


...

...


Too soon?


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 09-24-13 10:48 AM
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I hate myself for making that joke.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 09-24-13 10:48 AM
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Dammit! I hate you for pwning me.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 09-24-13 10:48 AM
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12: The ground is lava! Wait, no, the ground is hellfire!


Posted by: mcmc | Link to this comment | 09-24-13 10:49 AM
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And to think, people don't want to read Pilgrim's Progress anymore.

Or to read comment 2!


Posted by: nosflow | Link to this comment | 09-24-13 10:52 AM
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No one has yet linked Plastic Jesus?


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 09-24-13 10:53 AM
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From a purely pragmatic perspective, I wonder if it isn't a strategic mistake for the fundies to hold out the promise of reaching "a place called Success" if they put their trust in Jesus. Statistically speaking, most of the pilgrims won't get there, and if any significant fraction responds to the disappointment by questioning their faith rather than their own commitment, you're looking at a long-term strain on membership. I can see how an individual pastor might find it irresistible to juice the membership rolls by promising prosperity, but collectively it's a problem for the church.

It must drive the Roman Catholic church crazy: they've maintained a more or less stable equilibrium for over a millennium by stipulating up front that life's a bitch and then you die, all while promising the glory of the hereafter (or, if that doesn't suffice, the threat of eternal punishment). Then come these upstarts with their seductive prosperity gospel, attracting converts with blank checks written on the Bank of Jesus, checks that can be presented and found wanting *in this life*. Not smart, guys!



Posted by: knecht ruprecht | Link to this comment | 09-24-13 11:07 AM
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In fairness to the fundies, of lot of them (possibly a majority) disavow the prosperity gospel teachings. Mind you, they still hold out the possibility of a reward in the here and now, but in the form of a peace that surpasseth all understanding, plus mixed volleyball for ages 25 and up followed by dinner in the Fellowship Hall on Thursday evenings.


Posted by: knecht ruprecht | Link to this comment | 09-24-13 11:12 AM
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Driving on a road with a loop on it was a childhood dream of mine. Confusion sounds awesome.


Posted by: dalriata | Link to this comment | 09-24-13 11:14 AM
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I'm curious about how jobs are equivalent to flat tires. Something something culture of government dependency.


Posted by: snarkout | Link to this comment | 09-24-13 11:21 AM
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Our resident Mormon-raised can disabuse me of the notion that Mormonism is a fairly successful example of prosperity gospel of a kind. Because if they don't that's what it looked like to me many, many years ago in Utah and Nevada, nor has anything I've read or heard about since contradicted that impression.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 09-24-13 11:22 AM
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Obamacare is a one way deadend.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 09-24-13 11:23 AM
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This has got to be a parody.

I like the frank admission that jobs are just flat tires on the road to true Success, which whatever it is definitely involves the freedom to hang out all day doing nothing.


Posted by: PGD | Link to this comment | 09-24-13 11:25 AM
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I've gotten the impression over the years that Mormons tend to be gorgeous.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 09-24-13 11:28 AM
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Maybe it's just the ones I've met, but Mormons also seem to be more successful than you would predict. If you're into religion, Mormonism seems to deliver the goods. They also come with their own U.S. state and major university.

If you really hold to this analogy, then Jesus is going to run over your friends but stop for your enemies. Taking turn the other cheek too far!


Posted by: PGD | Link to this comment | 09-24-13 11:32 AM
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By coincidence, the Inspirational Person in my FB feed just drove me to fix up a couple of her image files and post them in the Flickr pool.

See also: SEK.


Posted by: NickS | Link to this comment | 09-24-13 11:32 AM
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Jobs are flat tires on the road to true Success, because having a job means you're wasting time working for someone else, time that would be better spent becoming the fully self-actualized master of your own destiny that Jesus and Ayn Rand always knew you could be.


Posted by: MAE | Link to this comment | 09-24-13 11:35 AM
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I think MAE must also know the person that posted this. Also thank Jesus for his gorgeous girlfriend and well-paying job.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 09-24-13 11:39 AM
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Mister, I ain't a boy, no, I'm a man
And I believe in the Analogy Ban


Posted by: Opinionated Ogged Springsteen | Link to this comment | 09-24-13 11:53 AM
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Also not a parody: the signature in the email at the top of my work inbox. Green bold Comic Sans describing (I paraphrase) the sun's rays at dawn promising to drive away darkness and provide an abundance of "Energy & blissful joy," and directing us therefore to receive it.


Posted by: Minivet | Link to this comment | 09-24-13 12:30 PM
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I could do without Jesus's choice of radio station.


Posted by: essear | Link to this comment | 09-24-13 12:33 PM
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36: I hate Creed, too.


Posted by: Annelid Gustator | Link to this comment | 09-24-13 12:38 PM
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29: I find this to be true.


Posted by: Mister Smearcase | Link to this comment | 09-24-13 12:58 PM
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38: Awwww.


Posted by: oudemia | Link to this comment | 09-24-13 1:00 PM
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31 is what I would post to Facebook if I hadn't stopped looking at it.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 09-24-13 1:31 PM
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At the America's Cup, Emirates Team New Zealand is apparently becoming a speed bump for Oracle Team USA.


Posted by: bill | Link to this comment | 09-24-13 1:44 PM
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This post brought to mind the final words of Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail '72:

Immediately after the game I received an urgent call from my attorney, who claimed to be having a terminal drug experience in his private bungalow at the Chateau Marmont ... and by the time I got there he had finished the whole jar.
Later, when the big rain started, I got heavily into the gin and read the Sunday papers. On page 39 of California Living magazine I found a hand-lettered ad from the McDonald's Hamburger Corporation, one of Nixon's big contributors in the '72 presidential campaign:
PRESS ON, it said. NOTHING IN THE WORLD CAN TAKE THE PLACE OF PERSISTENCE. TALENT WILL NOT: NOTHING IS MORE COMMON THAN UNSUCCESSFUL MEN WITH TALENT. GENIUS WILL NOT: UNREWARDED GENIUS IS ALMOST A PROVERB. EDUCATION ALONE WILL NOT: THE WORLD IS FULL OF EDUCATED DERELICTS. PERSISTENCE AND DETERMINATION ALONE ARE OMNIPOTENT.
I read it several times before I grapsed the full meaning. Then, when it came to me, I called Mankiewicz immediately.
"Keep your own counsel," he said. "Don't draw any conclusions from anything you see or hear."
I hung up and drank some more gin. Then I put a Dolly Parton album on the tape machine and watched the trees outside my balcony getting lashed around in the wind. Around midnight, when the rain stopped, I put on my special Miami Beach nightshirt and walked several blocks down La Cienega Boulevard to the Losers' Club.

Hunter S Thompson anticipated both the power of Internet inspirational quotes and the OPINIONATED GRANDMA meme.


Posted by: politicalfootball | Link to this comment | 09-24-13 1:56 PM
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Children are invited to make their way across the balance beam of faith while avoiding falling into sin and damnation (helpfully represented by cardboard flames) in order to reach salvation at the finish line.

I do hope it's called the Brant memorial playground.


Posted by: Ginger Yellow | Link to this comment | 09-24-13 2:10 PM
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How is it Emirates Team New Zealand and not Emirates Team UAE?


Posted by: Spike | Link to this comment | 09-24-13 2:11 PM
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I mean, really, thats like having a Swiss Team Canada


Posted by: Spike | Link to this comment | 09-24-13 2:11 PM
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That inspirational Hunter S. Thomson quote was Calvin Coolidge. (My son used to have that very same quote hanging in his room.)(It was a gift.)


Posted by: Spike | Link to this comment | 09-24-13 2:15 PM
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Because the Emirates airline sponsor loads of sports teams around the world, and the UAE has no prominent sports teams.


Posted by: Ginger Yellow | Link to this comment | 09-24-13 2:16 PM
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Swiss Re is proud to be the founding sponsor of Climate Week NYC.


Posted by: lw | Link to this comment | 09-24-13 2:18 PM
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As inspirational quotes go the Coolidge one is pretty inoffensive, IMO.


Posted by: togolosh | Link to this comment | 09-24-13 2:20 PM
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49: Sure. In context, though, I think Thompson is making a grim joke about the futility of talent, genius and education when put up against persistent ignorance and bigotry.


Posted by: politicalfootball | Link to this comment | 09-24-13 2:41 PM
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The UAE is rich enough it ought to be able to just buy some prominent sports teams. Maybe the Jets?


Posted by: Spike | Link to this comment | 09-24-13 2:48 PM
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38: Likewise.


Posted by: Mr. Blandings | Link to this comment | 09-24-13 2:53 PM
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I get the feeling Joe Smith kicked all the ugly people out of Mormonism early on, which has left the faith's remaining breeding stock uncannily attractive.


Posted by: Spike | Link to this comment | 09-24-13 3:15 PM
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I saw 52 and my brain read "Bave" for Mr. Blandings... Which struck me odd.


Posted by: Turgid Jacobian | Link to this comment | 09-24-13 4:32 PM
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As inspirational quotes go the Coolidge one is pretty inoffensive, IMO.

Any time someone says "All you need for success is X," you are insulting someone. It doesn't matter if the X is determination, Jesus, talent or whatever. There is someone out there who hasn't succeeded, and you are now informing them that if they had just had more of the One Special Thing that the elect have and they do not, they too would be successful.


Posted by: rob helpy-chalk | Link to this comment | 09-24-13 6:26 PM
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Speaking of stuff from Facebook feeds, I think it's time to ask yourselves: have you trolled your local CrossFit enthusiast today?


Posted by: Lord Castock | Link to this comment | 09-24-13 6:26 PM
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56: That seemed like a well-reasoned piece until I got to "No, peeing during a workout is not alright. Ever." Like I'm going to get out of the pool just to pee.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 09-24-13 6:41 PM
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But seriously, that was pretty scary.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 09-24-13 6:47 PM
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57 is exactly right. What, I'm not supposed to sneeze ever again or jump?


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 09-24-13 6:53 PM
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Any time someone says "All you need for success is X,"

The drug? The band? Both? I'm on board, whichever. Let's do this.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 09-24-13 6:56 PM
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55: Well, yes. That's why it's such a popular strategy for people selling X.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 09-24-13 6:57 PM
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52 also gets an awwwwww.


Posted by: oudemia | Link to this comment | 09-24-13 7:01 PM
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I get the feeling Joe Smith kicked all the ugly people out of Mormonism early on, which has left the faith's remaining breeding stock uncannily attractive.

Joking aside, they really did convert a lot of Scandinavians back in the day, so this is a pretty good place to move if tall blondes are your thing.


Posted by: gswift | Link to this comment | 09-24-13 11:38 PM
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I hadn't really thought about it before, but I guess it has also been my experience that Mormons tend to be pretty attractive.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 09-24-13 11:39 PM
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I also love that Stormcrow's question about theology has turned into a discussion of hottness.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 09-24-13 11:40 PM
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You people are fucking high. Mormons are of below-average attractiveness.


Posted by: Walt Someguy | Link to this comment | 09-25-13 12:08 AM
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Swiss Re is proud to be the founding sponsor of Climate Week NYC.

Not surprisingly, the global reinsurers were the first large corporations to take climate change seriously as a threat to their business (they are ultimately on the hook for every significant natural disaster in the developed world). Unfortunately, they have negligible influence in American politics, because property and casualty reinsurance is almost entirely the domain of non-American companies (mostly for tax and regulatory reasons). The one significant American player*, General Re, is owned by Warren Buffett, who is one of the rare American CEOs to forcefully advocate for a policy response to carbon pollution.

*there is another major American reinsurer, but their exposure is to Life policies, not P&C.


Posted by: knecht ruprecht | Link to this comment | 09-25-13 4:31 AM
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I don't know if this Utah couple are Mormons (the crack cocaine use would militate against that hypothesis), but they are of below average attractiveness.


Posted by: knecht ruprecht | Link to this comment | 09-25-13 4:37 AM
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They are surely gurning at the camera and would look fairly normal, if not hott, if you met them in the street.


Posted by: chris y | Link to this comment | 09-25-13 5:53 AM
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Another vote in favor of the unusual attractiveness of Mormons. Also, along with Mormons, Jehovah's Witnesses and Seventh Day Adventists are always very nice people.


Posted by: politicalfootball | Link to this comment | 09-25-13 6:17 AM
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Jehovah's Witnesses and Seventh Day Adventists are always very nice people.

I know. It always makes me feel terrible when I slam the door in their faces.


Posted by: knecht ruprecht | Link to this comment | 09-25-13 6:21 AM
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Episcopalians tend to wear nicer clothes than others, but I haven't noticed them being more attractive.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 09-25-13 6:21 AM
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Kid B was wearing a Fields of the Nephilim t-shirt the other day, and this middle-aged woman walked all round her looking at it and then asked her, "are you a Jehovah's Witness?" Kid B replied, no, and the woman said that she was, and that she recognised all these bible verses, gesturing at the t-shirt. Which was a bit odd because on the back were a list of tour dates.


Posted by: asilon | Link to this comment | 09-25-13 11:21 AM
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^was


Posted by: asilon | Link to this comment | 09-25-13 11:22 AM
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73/74: That's okay, we know you're a victim of your country's socialist grammar rules on pluralization of collectives.


Posted by: Minivet | Link to this comment | 09-25-13 11:28 AM
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"Northampton 5/6/91: Thou shalt wear a massive hat, and the inscrutable symbols thereon shall be seven times seven in number."


Posted by: Cryptic ned | Link to this comment | 09-25-13 11:32 AM
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"Altamont 12/6/69: And fear not them which kill the body, but are not able to kill the soul: but rather fear him which is able to destroy both soul and body in hell."


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 09-25-13 11:49 AM
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"Cincinnati 12/3/79: Listen, a noise on the mountains, like that of a great multitude! Listen, an uproar among the kingdoms, like nations massing together!"


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 09-25-13 11:54 AM
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"Warwick 2/20/03: Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels."


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 09-25-13 11:59 AM
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