Re: Perkies

1

"Everyone wishes they'd gone bigger" advised the second mom.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 02-20-14 4:45 PM
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2

Ugh. Rich @#$@s. @#$$#@.


Posted by: Cryptic ned | Link to this comment | 02-20-14 4:50 PM
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3

Two minutes of googling tells me that high-profile is the fake porny look, and moderate-plus is supposed to look more natural.

A couple of years ago, I was at a gathering of acquaintances and strangers (to me and to one another) and people started mocking implants, at length and mercilessly. No one else seemed to notice that one young woman (who was quite attractive) pretty obviously had them. Awkward! But only to me and to her, I guess. (Yes, there's a chance I was wrong, but I doubt it.)


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 02-20-14 5:01 PM
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4

Hooray!


Posted by: md 20/400 | Link to this comment | 02-20-14 5:04 PM
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5

Not that rich - they were rueing the price tag. Autocorrect tried to change rueing to Turing, which is kind of sweet.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 02-20-14 5:10 PM
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6

Wow have never overhead anything like this while waiting for the kid to finish dance class! Perhaps being discussed in Russian tho.


Posted by: dairy queen | Link to this comment | 02-20-14 5:25 PM
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7

Not that rich

I think the numbers I've heard chucked around by women I know have been in the 5-8K range. Not nothing, but certainly not a rich thing.


Posted by: gswift | Link to this comment | 02-20-14 5:32 PM
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8

I had to get to my doctor's to pick out my new balls. The doctor was encouraging me to go with the Swing Low Sweet Chariots, but I was more inclined to go with the Can't Sit On 'Em.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 02-20-14 5:34 PM
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9

I'm not calling you a liar, Apo, but I'm pretty sure an aging man would want more compact balls.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 02-20-14 5:36 PM
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10

Come to think of it, implants would be problematic for a dancer, would throw off your balance. Also, imagine partners wouldn't be too keen on lifting any additional weight.


Posted by: dairy queen | Link to this comment | 02-20-14 5:40 PM
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11

implants would be problematic for a dancer, would throw off your balance

Actually, I'd bet that there are more working professional dancers in the United States with implants than without.


Posted by: Robert Halford | Link to this comment | 02-20-14 5:42 PM
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12

So ogged, fess up: does your wife wear make-up?


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 02-20-14 5:42 PM
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13

8 I'm pretty sure they call those things neuticles, Apo.


Posted by: Barry Freed | Link to this comment | 02-20-14 5:43 PM
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14

1: Nah, I have a coworker who'd rather have gone with something not so obviously fake.


Posted by: Thorn | Link to this comment | 02-20-14 5:46 PM
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15

10: They're silicon, not gold. Even pretty big ones are going to be maybe 1.5-2lbs.


Posted by: | Link to this comment | 02-20-14 5:46 PM
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16

10: maybe! 325cc implants would weigh about a pound and a half, total. So certainly that would change a bit.


Posted by: Turgid Jacobian | Link to this comment | 02-20-14 5:46 PM
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17

does your wife wear make-up?

Ha. She's more of a "I know I have some makeup around here somewhere" type. I'm honestly not sure, but I think she wears mascara once or twice a week and other makeup once every month or two.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 02-20-14 5:48 PM
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18

Knecht? Hello? Is this thing on?


Posted by: Flippanter | Link to this comment | 02-20-14 5:49 PM
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19

They're silicon, not gold

Sure, if you get the cheap ones.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 02-20-14 5:49 PM
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20

15 was me. A couple pounds of weight isn't going to change your dynamics much.


Posted by: gswift | Link to this comment | 02-20-14 5:50 PM
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21

You'd adjust to the new weight distribution for sure. And prob true re incidence among broader population of dancers, but really difficult for me to see widespread adoption of implants among professional ballet and "serious" modern dancers. Plenty of odd physical presentation in that world! Just not this one.


Posted by: dairy queen | Link to this comment | 02-20-14 5:50 PM
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22

The second mom couldn't remember if she had saline or silicon, either, and the first mom assured her that it must have been silicon. And they were quoting a 5k price tag.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 02-20-14 5:59 PM
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23

Silicone and silicon are different things, people.


Posted by: Turgid Jacobian | Link to this comment | 02-20-14 6:01 PM
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24

Anyone named Turgid certainly an authority on this!


Posted by: dairy queen | Link to this comment | 02-20-14 6:05 PM
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25

24: Now I'm wondering if your pseud is a reference to your giant cans.


Posted by: gswift | Link to this comment | 02-20-14 6:08 PM
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26

Wait, in what sense are we using "cans" here?


Posted by: Natilo Paennim | Link to this comment | 02-20-14 6:12 PM
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27

Toilets, right?


Posted by: Cryptic ned | Link to this comment | 02-20-14 6:13 PM
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28

The kind you milk a cow into?


Posted by: Turgid Jacobian | Link to this comment | 02-20-14 6:17 PM
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29

26: A pro builds plausible deniability into his harassing remarks.


Posted by: gswift | Link to this comment | 02-20-14 6:19 PM
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30

9: That was the point, pops. Can't sit on 'em.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 02-20-14 6:43 PM
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31

23: Silicon breast implants wouldn't be very convincing.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 02-20-14 6:52 PM
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32

I had to get to my doctor's to pick out my new balls

This was a celebrated operation a hundred years ago. Yeats had a monkey balls transplant, and it changed his outlook. There's a Sherlock Holmes story where the man who gets the operation goes ape, so to speak and is barely stopped from raping.

What happened to this? I'm guessing hormone injections meet the need today.


Posted by: Idp | Link to this comment | 02-20-14 6:58 PM
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33

Selvedge implants are all the rage but you need a special freezer.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 02-20-14 7:01 PM
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34

I believe in "Adventure of the Creeping Man" the dude in question is just shooting up monkey gland extract.


Posted by: redfoxtailshrub | Link to this comment | 02-20-14 7:06 PM
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35

I think "glands" was a euphemism for testes.

In sports the classic reference is "Elixir of Brown-Sequard", used by Pud Galvin among other 19th-century base-ballers.


Posted by: Cryptic ned | Link to this comment | 02-20-14 7:07 PM
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36

Yes, but shooting it up, not trading ball for ball.


Posted by: redfoxtailshrub | Link to this comment | 02-20-14 7:09 PM
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37

If you were getting monkey balls, you don't need to limit yourself to two.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 02-20-14 7:23 PM
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38

37: two sets of testicles, so divine


Posted by: Turgid Jacobian | Link to this comment | 02-20-14 7:29 PM
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39

A long time ago, when people were still sort of a new thing, every man had three divine sets of testicles, but male animals didn't have any, just a penis, by itself. The men were all very proud of these glands that festooned the space under their penis, even if though it was very uncomfortable to sit down, as they pretty much always sat on a testicle or two.

One night, apostropher called all the men together for a big meet-up on an island that had a particularly fresh salt lick that all the deer came to. They killed and butchered and ate some deer, and were all feeling pretty logy and tired.

"I have an thought," said apostropher, "we'd all like to sit down, but with how tired we are, we'll probably sit on several balls each, and that will be uncomfortable." All the men agreed with this, and were distressed. "But what if we each took off two pairs of testicles, and gave them to the doctor to keep for us while we sit around?" The men were a little worried about this, but they didn't really want to sit on their balls all evening, so they practiced good consent and gave the doctor 2 out of their 3 sets of testicles. One or two of them still managed to sit on his remaining balls, to the great amusement of the rest, but for the most part, they were a lot more comfortable.

But what they didn't know was that apostropher and the doctor, who was really just another avatar of the ur-trickster figure, like apostropher, were playing a trick on them, and had put all the sets of testicles on various other male animals. The animals were very proud of their new testicles, and immediately ran off into the woods so that the men wouldn't take them back.

Later that evening, the men started to get suspicious, and went looking for apostropher, the doctor, and their other balls. But those tricksters were nowhere to be found! All the balls had belonged to the men, but now they could only has one pair each.

Ever since then, men have constantly scratched and grabbed at their balls, to see if by some miracle, the other two sets have come back. But they never have.


Posted by: Natilo Paennim | Link to this comment | 02-20-14 7:29 PM
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40

-if


Posted by: Natilo Paennim | Link to this comment | 02-20-14 7:30 PM
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41

nice myth. but I prefer the pair of ball of the mustard seed.


Posted by: Turgid Jacobian | Link to this comment | 02-20-14 7:42 PM
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42

41 is, oddly, a direct quote from the never-filmed Big Trouble In Little China sequel.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 02-20-14 7:44 PM
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43

39: I hate to have to be the one to break this to you, but Eddie Murphy has been shopping around a script just like that.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 02-20-14 7:46 PM
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44

Me and Moby read the screenwriter trades.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 02-20-14 7:47 PM
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45

As long as they get Eriq La Salle to play apostropher, I'm cool with that.


Posted by: Natilo Paennim | Link to this comment | 02-20-14 7:51 PM
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46

rfts is right about the Sherlock Holmes story, but the transplants, or rather grafts, were real. From the Wikopedia article about Serge Voronoff:

His first official transplantation of a monkey gland into a human took place on June 12, 1920.[8] Thin slices (a few millimetres wide) of testicles from chimpanzees and baboons were implanted inside the patient's scrotum, the thinness of the tissue samples allowing the foreign tissue to fuse with the human tissue eventually.[8] By 1923, 700 of the world's leading surgeons at the International Congress of Surgeons in London, England, applauded the success of Voronoff's work in the "rejuvenation" of old men.[9]

Article also explains the Brown-Sequard reference.


Posted by: Idp | Link to this comment | 02-20-14 7:56 PM
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47

La Salle, Roberts. Same difference.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 02-20-14 8:01 PM
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48

Idle?


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 02-20-14 8:07 PM
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49

47: de La Salle? J-B? Not available.


Posted by: Turgid Jacobian | Link to this comment | 02-20-14 8:21 PM
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50

48: That's something completely different.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 02-20-14 8:22 PM
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51

Two minutes of googling tells me that high-profile is the fake porny look, and moderate-plus is supposed to look more natural.

Tells you that and shows you lots of pictures of scarred breasts and that you should talk to your doctor to find the one right for you. Moderate plus is apparently the hip, new thing.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 02-20-14 8:25 PM
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52

The hip, new thing known to a relatively few clued in people. It's the Bon Iver of breast implants.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 02-20-14 8:47 PM
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53

"Those are fun for the whole family."


Posted by: John Candy | Link to this comment | 02-20-14 9:02 PM
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54

but she'd brought in photos and said "I want to look like this"

Unfortunately, there's no Buzzfeed quiz for "Which size breasts should you have" so it can't be settled scientifically.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 02-20-14 9:27 PM
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55

I think Buzzfeed accepts submissions.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 02-20-14 9:33 PM
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56

Maybe not for quizzes, though.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 02-20-14 9:40 PM
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57

It takes seriously qualified professional quizwrights to craft quizzes of that caliber, after all.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 02-20-14 9:41 PM
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58

T-Rex has some thoughts relevant to the OP.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 02-20-14 9:52 PM
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59

And they were quoting a 5k price tag.

Eh, well, the market for luxury goods: it is not always (if ever) reducible to the so-called principles of supply and demand, as understood by we plebs. But wow, that's a bit spendy, no?


Posted by: Just Plain Jane | Link to this comment | 02-20-14 10:19 PM
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60

[Obligatory lay-away plan joke]


Posted by: Natilo Paennim | Link to this comment | 02-20-14 10:35 PM
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61

Doesn't seem that spendy. That's what, a 12 year old Corolla? And the Corolla is a lot less fun.


Posted by: gswift | Link to this comment | 02-20-14 10:45 PM
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62

American health care is notoriously expensive, of course, and this sort of thing is unusual mainly because it isn't covered by insurance and the patient therefore has to pay the full price. Within that context, 5K doesn't sound all that expensive.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 02-20-14 11:01 PM
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63

Still a bit more than a 2002 Corolla, though, according to KBB and NADA.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 02-20-14 11:07 PM
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64

Maybe a 10 year old Corolla! Boobs...still more fun.


Posted by: gswift | Link to this comment | 02-20-14 11:18 PM
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65

I'm curious to know at what age of Corolla boobs become less fun.


Posted by: Jesus McQueen | Link to this comment | 02-20-14 11:46 PM
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66

That's a question every man has to answer for himself, McQueen. I'm still in my 30's and boobs are the clear winner for the foreseeable future.


Posted by: gswift | Link to this comment | 02-20-14 11:54 PM
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67

Ask someone who gets both (new) boobs and (new) Corolla in the same year. I would presume they depreciate at different rates, thought that may be in the eye of the be/holder.


Posted by: Owner | Link to this comment | 02-21-14 12:02 AM
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68

though


Posted by: Owner | Link to this comment | 02-21-14 12:03 AM
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Well, yeah. I'm in my forties and still wouldn't opt for a brand-new Corolla.


Posted by: Jesus McQueen | Link to this comment | 02-21-14 12:05 AM
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70

Let's all get breast implants before the next big meet-up.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 02-21-14 12:17 AM
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71

And Corollas!


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 02-21-14 12:25 AM
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72

Wait, does Corolla = Sweet Chariot?


Posted by: Owner | Link to this comment | 02-21-14 12:27 AM
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73

65: "perfect size, handles well, and great lines... But thee e still have that 'new boob smell'"


Posted by: Turgid Jacobian | Link to this comment | 02-21-14 4:53 AM
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74

Also: "Kelly Boob Book." Heh.


Posted by: Turgid Jacobian | Link to this comment | 02-21-14 4:54 AM
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75

The movie quoted in 53, Summer Rental also included some discussion of relative value. "They cost $2,000. It was either these or a chain sow for Ed." 1985, so the $2,000 is probably similar, but that'd be one hell of a chain saw.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 02-21-14 5:11 AM
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76

$2K in 1985 is about $5K now. Roughly.

So, yeah, nice chainsaw.


Posted by: Annelid Gustator | Link to this comment | 02-21-14 6:30 AM
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77

First you get the money. Then you get the chainsaw then you get the women. Then you surgically enhance the women.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 02-21-14 6:54 AM
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78

I suspect that most of the social gatherings attended by most Unfoggeders include more than one set of breast implants.


Posted by: will | Link to this comment | 02-21-14 7:02 AM
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79

will what do you know? WHAT DO YOU KNIOW?


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 02-21-14 7:03 AM
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80

Then you start to get worried that the women will find a better man. The women start to feel that you only like them for their bodies. A certain distance emerges.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 02-21-14 7:06 AM
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81

Long story short: lock up the chainsaw before you go to sleep.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 02-21-14 7:09 AM
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82

That was a dark place you got yourself in for a minute there, Moby.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 02-21-14 7:14 AM
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83

A certain distance emerges.

If distance becomes an issue then the implants are definitely too big.


Posted by: gswift | Link to this comment | 02-21-14 7:17 AM
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84

Unfortunately, there's no Buzzfeed quiz for "Which size breasts should you have" so it can't be settled scientifically.

Damn, Thin White Duke is out this year.


Posted by: Barry Freed | Link to this comment | 02-21-14 7:20 AM
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85

I'm actually in a PTA meeting, so yes on the dark place.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 02-21-14 7:20 AM
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86

will what do you know? WHAT DO YOU KNIOW?

I could tell when we brought it in, sifu.


Posted by: will | Link to this comment | 02-21-14 7:38 AM
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87

Good thing that you were prepping a number theory lecture, rather than, say one in CS: you might have been tempted to use an unfortunate visual to explain binary arithmetic ("Even though this looks like 2 (or maybe 11) it is 32, children"), and, well, things might have gone downhill from there.


Posted by: marcel | Link to this comment | 02-21-14 11:58 AM
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88

If the surgeon knows their job, I thought things were supposed to downhill for a long time.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 02-21-14 12:13 PM
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89

It makes me sad this thread has died.


Posted by: Turgid Jacobian | Link to this comment | 02-21-14 5:47 PM
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90

I went to book club last night, and small towns being what they are, it turns out that the first woman is friends with a few of my good friends. Apparently it is a 40th birthday present.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 02-21-14 6:07 PM
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91

For you, Turge.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 02-21-14 6:07 PM
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92

Thanks for the update, heebie-jubblies.


Posted by: Turgid Jacobian | Link to this comment | 02-21-14 6:09 PM
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93

*Pours an ounce out for the boobies that didn't make it*


Posted by: Tragic Jacobian | Link to this comment | 02-21-14 6:11 PM
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94

So after the birthday, you can walk into dance class and greet her with a congenial, "Nice tits! Happy birthday!"


Posted by: ydnew | Link to this comment | 02-21-14 6:49 PM
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95

Apparently it is a 40th birthday present.

For whom?


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 02-21-14 6:53 PM
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96

I just got a haircut inspired by asilon's suggestion of Edward Furling's John Connor, though I've never seen the movie and don't intend to. Much cheaper than implants. Photo in the pool.


Posted by: Thorn | Link to this comment | 02-21-14 6:57 PM
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97

53 to 95?


Posted by: Turgid Jacobian | Link to this comment | 02-21-14 7:06 PM
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98

96: looks great!


Posted by: Turgid Jacobian | Link to this comment | 02-21-14 7:06 PM
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98: I deliberately chose a shot with no visible breasts to prevent any ambiguity in comments like that. And thanks! I'm pretty sure Lee hates it, even though she was the one who told me I should cut my hair again and got me thinking about it. But I hate her current haircut, so that's fine.


Posted by: Thorn | Link to this comment | 02-21-14 7:17 PM
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100

96. Looks sharp. Watch out for Terminators.


Posted by: md 20/400 | Link to this comment | 02-21-14 7:19 PM
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95: The card just said it was from some guys at her gym who wished to remain anonymous.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 02-21-14 7:30 PM
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102

96: Looks great.

Also, somebody met Hasselhoff and didn't mention it?


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 02-21-14 7:37 PM
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103

101: Right, because "the guys from that row of stationary bikes behind the erg" wouldn't be *quite* creepy enough.


Posted by: Turgid Jacobian | Link to this comment | 02-21-14 7:41 PM
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104

102: Who didn't mention it?


Posted by: k-sky | Link to this comment | 02-21-14 7:53 PM
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105

My bad.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 02-21-14 8:02 PM
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106

Heebie's response to that was funny. We get that, that guy and I.


Posted by: k-sky | Link to this comment | 02-21-14 8:05 PM
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107

103: Not as creepy as "The Neighborhood Watch."


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 02-21-14 8:16 PM
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