Re: Yummy In My Tummy

1

The tally so far.


Posted by: MHPH | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 11:23 AM
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Okay, biting opponents on the shoulder is a really weird fetish! I hadn't realized he was so consistent in his placement.


Posted by: Thorn | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 11:25 AM
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Two shoulder, one elbow. That overbite ain't for nothing!


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 11:26 AM
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Rodents have to chew constantly or their teeth grow too large.


Posted by: DaveLMA | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 11:28 AM
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5

I'm looking forward to some biting commentary.


Posted by: fake accent | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 11:29 AM
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The supercut.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 11:30 AM
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So did he have, like, a mentor who taught him this technique? Did he grow up somewhere they learned super-secret biting-style soccer?


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 11:31 AM
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The picture MHPH linked in the other thread seems pretty darn dispositive.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 11:32 AM
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So for one of them he gets an elbow to the face, which is almost proportionate.

A smart opponent might coat themselves in lethargy-inducing poison and taunt him into biting them. I'm sure it's not against the rules, even in spirit.


Posted by: togolosh | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 11:35 AM
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Was there any question? It was clearly a bite. If this comes back as a one game suspension, rather than, say, a year, or life, then, well, then it'll just be ridiculous.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 11:35 AM
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Suddenly I grok Vine.


Posted by: essear | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 11:42 AM
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If there was any real question this should settle it.
What really confuses me is... why?

I mean, at least in the other biting incidents you could make up a story for what prompted him to chomp on someone. There was an argument going on, or it was in the middle of a struggle for possession or something. With this one it looks like he just ran up and bit someone for no apparent reason.


Posted by: | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 11:42 AM
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You don't need to have an apparent reason for every little thing you do.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 11:45 AM
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Maybe it's just kind of his thing, now. He doesn't even remember why, but, you know, keep the sponsors happy.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 11:45 AM
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"Thanks to Fixodent I can keep up with my active lifestyle!"


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 11:46 AM
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FIFA rules he can play but with special equipment.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 11:48 AM
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17

It's a cookbook!


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 11:51 AM
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I have to say, these biting incidents are detracting from the respect he earned with that hand-block.


Posted by: politicalfootball | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 1:00 PM
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The title immediately brings this kid's earworm to mind.


Posted by: Nathan Williams | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 1:38 PM
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20

In my mind, I always sing that song "There's a party in my booty/ so roundy / and smoothy."

I feel like this is the sort of space where I can share this sort of thing.


Posted by: rob helpy-chalk | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 1:42 PM
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21

Helpful background.


Posted by: fake accent | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 1:47 PM
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We encourage all of our commenters to feel free to reveal sillinesses, fears, revulsions or what have you.


Posted by: Ministry of Truth | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 1:50 PM
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No biting yet in Greece/Ivory Coast.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 1:50 PM
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It was a Uruguayan Rugby Union team that ate each other after crashing in the Andes. It might just be part of their national character.


Posted by: togolosh | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 1:55 PM
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So it's like a tribute? That's sweet.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 1:56 PM
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16- I was going to go with the Hannibal mask.


Posted by: SP | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 1:58 PM
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Somebody on twitter suggests he's teething.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 2:01 PM
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Yes. I got many bites right there when the boy was teething.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 2:06 PM
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This Is Just to Say

I have eaten
the defender
that was in
the penalty box

and who
you were probably
hoping was saving
the goal

Forgive me
he was delicious
so sweaty
and so hot


Posted by: Luis Suárez | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 2:15 PM
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30

Oh man. Poor Côte d'Ivoire.


Posted by: Josh | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 2:53 PM
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31

That was a pretty sketchy call too.


Posted by: MHPH | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 2:57 PM
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32

Just missed that. Legit penalty?


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 2:58 PM
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ARGH. The Greek guy tripped himself and got the penalty. Heart-breaking for Ivory Coast; infuriating for viewers at home. Why do they not have instant reply? (says the naive football newbie)


Posted by: parodie | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 3:00 PM
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34

Instant replay, of course. Though instant reply might be entertaining.


Posted by: parodie | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 3:05 PM
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The Greek guy was running up to shoot with a defender right behind him, when his foot went back to shoot he managed to hook it behind the defender's leg and went down.

I feel like Greece got the benefit of more than a few questionable calls in that match, but it didn't matter for most of them the way it did for this one.


Posted by: MHPH | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 3:05 PM
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29: Bravo!


Posted by: Turgid Jacobian | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 4:23 PM
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I thought 29 was pretty great. I'm tempted to join a contrarian "Carnivores for Suarez" movement but that feels like a troll too far. CHOMP.


Posted by: Robert Halford | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 4:31 PM
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Maybe a "Velociraptors for Suarez" web page? "Saltwater Crocodiles for Suarez"? One of you technical wizards should get on this.


Posted by: Robert Halford | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 4:34 PM
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Anyhow, my new considered view is that soccer is fucking great. I'm still in favor of murdering every third amateur US high school player, and it's still not better than the three genuine spectator sports, but otherwise these games have been fun as fuck to watch and soccer will not be affirmatively banned under the new regime.


Posted by: Robert Halford | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 4:36 PM
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Wait, what are the three genuine spectator sports? Keep in mind that soccer is way better than football.


Posted by: Turgid Jacobian | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 4:40 PM
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The fact that you even need to ask means citizenship REVOKED. Unless you're Hispanic, in which case the foregoing sentence was racist.


Posted by: Robert Halford | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 4:41 PM
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Anyhow, my new considered view is that soccer is fucking great.

Agreed. This tournament has been fun as hell.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 4:42 PM
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Or maybe the sentence about that being racist was itself racist? Who knows, enough! Bring me something to bite.


Posted by: Robert Halford | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 4:43 PM
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44

the three genuine spectator sports?

Rum Sodomy & the Lash?


Posted by: Turgid Jacobian | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 4:45 PM
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45

Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe?


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 5:19 PM
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46

Archibald Leach, Bernard Schwartz and Lucille LeSueur?


Posted by: Turgid Jacobian | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 5:23 PM
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47

Heebz, I blame this post's title on you.


Posted by: Mister Smearcase | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 5:43 PM
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Keep in mind that calling it soccer is way better than calling it football because America.

Since baseball is just barely above NASCAR in the stultifying spectator sports sweepstakes, I'm going with football, basketball, and hockey.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 5:56 PM
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49

If they shortened the play-clock to 24 seconds, maybe.


Posted by: Turgid Jacobian | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 6:03 PM
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48 could not be more wrong. In NASCAR at least things go fast.

The three sports are bicycle racing, golf and professional wrestling, obviously.


Posted by: MHPH | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 6:06 PM
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51

Penis fencing, orgasm faking, and recriminations?


Posted by: Turgid Jacobian | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 6:08 PM
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52

Okay, yes, this does a pretty darn good job of getting at what the deal is with the biting. Geez. (Trigger warning: longform)


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 6:14 PM
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53

49 to 44.


Posted by: Kreskin | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 6:20 PM
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54

Now I have this song in my head. Thanks, heebie.


Posted by: essear | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 6:40 PM
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Suarez is just doing his best to illustrate the need for additional officials and/or replay. He does shit that's an obvious red if anyone sees it and half the time he gets away with it. His acting out is really just based on his promotion of the best interests of the game.


Posted by: SP | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 6:57 PM
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The link in 52 is really quite good.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 7:40 PM
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57

Probably others had already seen this.


Posted by: nosflow | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 7:44 PM
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57: see 21


Posted by: fake accent | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 7:48 PM
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59

So I was right!


Posted by: nosflow | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 7:54 PM
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52 is terrible! If I hadn't just wasted however many minutes of my life reading it, I'd take another five minutes and summarize it almost completely in a paragraph. Let me take five seconds and summarize it slightly unfairly: Luis Suarez bites people because he grew up poor. Come on.

Death to longform journalism, headbutts to Sifu Tweety, and a kick in the shins to Teofilo.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 8:11 PM
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61

Don't make me revoke your rural cred again.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 8:12 PM
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62

Ogged is embracing Halfordismo.


Posted by: nosflow | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 8:12 PM
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60.last: easy, Luis, no need to bite anyone's head off!


Posted by: Turgid Jacobian | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 8:13 PM
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64

The article in 52 is great.


Posted by: David the Unfogged Commenter | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 8:13 PM
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65

Besides I think we can all agree that the cause of Suarez's antics is obviously leaded gasoline.


Posted by: Turgid Jacobian | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 8:14 PM
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Admittedly I liked the article primarily for its narrative style, although its conclusions about Suarez do seem pretty plausible to me.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 8:16 PM
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67

Allow me to be the first to suggest fresh assault.


Posted by: snarkout | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 8:19 PM
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I liked the article primarily for its narrative style

There were some nice descriptions, which is why I've asked the hitman to dispatch the author quickly and mercifully.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 8:21 PM
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This is mildly amusing. Ogged humor.
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BqtOUhCCIAEGt2U.jpg


Posted by: David the Unfogged Commenter | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 8:21 PM
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I liked it primarily because Suarez life story, told well, is remarkable.


Posted by: David the Unfogged Commenter | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 8:25 PM
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I'm reading 52 and occasionally enjoying the writing, but I'm not a big fan of the "who is the real [anyone, not just Suarez], watch me now as I search for the essence of their identity" genre. Also, in the immediate term, who gives a fuck? There's no ambiguity about biting people. Kick him out of the sport. His childhood might matter to how you feel about his lifetime ban.


Posted by: fake accent | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 8:29 PM
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A four match ban sounds more reasonable. A reckless tackle can end someone's career. Suarez biting hasn't hurt anyone.


Posted by: David the Unfogged Commenter | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 8:39 PM
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It probably hurt the guys he bit.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 8:44 PM
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This is another example of how rules and morals don't always line up. Also, I don't think you can give a shorter ban for a third offense than the one given for a second offense for the same thing. Unless you want to start sanctioning his behavior. In which case, Emerson will be right.


Posted by: fake accent | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 8:51 PM
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75

In conclusion, I agree with ogged.


Posted by: fake accent | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 8:56 PM
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The previous ban was from the FA, not FIFA. Someone on football weekly made the point that Sassoti got an 8 match ban for breaking Luis Enrique's nose in the 94 world cup, so a longer ban for Suarez would be strange.


Posted by: David the Unfogged Commenter | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 8:58 PM
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Well, then I hope he can bite people in as many jurisdictions as are available to him.


Posted by: fake accent | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 9:03 PM
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a longer ban for Suarez would be strange

No, because causing injuries isn't the only metric for determining someone's punishment. Yes, causing injuries is serious, but so is bringing disgrace to the game, and so is deterring other bizarre acts of aggression, unless you want to turn soccer into hockey.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 9:20 PM
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A quick search turns up more hockey biting in recent years than I would have guessed, and not much punishment. I assume those players bit because they love their families very much.


Posted by: fake accent | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 9:30 PM
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Well, I agree with that. If you want an eight match ban, that's reasonable, but not kicking him out of the sport.


Posted by: David the Unfogged Commenter | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 9:31 PM
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Jermain Defoe bit Javier Mascherano in 2006.


Posted by: David the Unfogged Commenter | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 9:36 PM
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It doesn't actuallly look like he's biting Chiellini, more like a headbutt. But headbutting people with your mouth seems dicey.


Posted by: David the Unfogged Commenter | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 9:43 PM
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76: OTOH Schumacher didn't even get a foul called for nearly killing Battiston.


Posted by: Josh | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 9:55 PM
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It doesn't actuallly look like he's biting Chiellini

It was a bite.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 06-24-14 10:00 PM
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He should get a lifetime ban. He bit somebody. Who bites somebody? You shouldn't need to be told by the FIFA to not bite people. What's the argument for letting him ever play again?


Posted by: Walt Someguy | Link to this comment | 06-25-14 1:08 AM
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What's the argument for letting him ever play again?

Money.


Posted by: Ginger Yellow | Link to this comment | 06-25-14 1:31 AM
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Money, as Ginger Y says, and he is a genuinely brilliant watchable player. Arsehole-ry aside.


Posted by: nattarGcM ttaM | Link to this comment | 06-25-14 2:23 AM
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Arseholery included.


Posted by: Ginger Yellow | Link to this comment | 06-25-14 2:29 AM
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Three bites, a colleague remarked, is the limit at which you get politely asked to take your toddler to a different playgroup.


Posted by: ajay | Link to this comment | 06-25-14 3:19 AM
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Anyway, contra 52, surely if Hammer horror movies teach us anything it is that it's the upper classes, not the proles, who are most likely to go round biting people? Christopher Lee wasn't up there on the silver screen going "All right, guv. I'm Dracula, me. Welcome to my hovel. Enter freely and leave behind some of the 'appiness you bring, me old china."


Posted by: ajay | Link to this comment | 06-25-14 3:22 AM
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The author of the article linked in 52 thinks he's HST redivivus. He isn't.


Posted by: chris y | Link to this comment | 06-25-14 3:23 AM
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The article in 52 does quote this prediction. The first part came true, so the second must be right around the corner: "He will do something insane at this summer's World Cup -- mark it down. ... Eventually, he'll punch a baby."


Posted by: Walt Someguy | Link to this comment | 06-25-14 3:36 AM
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Apparently celebratory crotch-bites are also unwelcome?

I'm learning so much about soccer!


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 06-25-14 4:18 AM
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Probably not any cannibalism, but we can't rule it out based on the article.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 06-25-14 5:45 AM
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I don't know if what Sassoti did is really comparable to Suarez: I mean, from what I know the broken nose happened during play, and involved something that while clearly a foul wasn't a result of just maliciously attacking someone. Suarez just appears to have gotten hungry out there and leaned over to bite someone, which seems a lot more serious.


Posted by: MHPH | Link to this comment | 06-25-14 5:45 AM
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What if he was hypoglycemic?


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 06-25-14 5:59 AM
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If he really needed to eat, he's basically a self-centered version of Jean Valjean.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 06-25-14 6:06 AM
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so is deterring other bizarre acts of aggression, unless you want to turn soccer into hockey

I'm the only player who ever took his skate off and tried to stab a guy with it.


Posted by: Luis Suarez in Hockey | Link to this comment | 06-25-14 6:16 AM
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it's the upper classes, not the proles, who are most likely to go round biting people?

I was going to make a slightly different version of this point: I'm sure Suarez grew up poor, but he must have been coddled from a young age, or he'd know that biting someone would earn him an epic beating. As it is, in contrast to the Defoe episode, which was someone lashing out in anger, Suarez's last two bites have been while he was jockeying for position; it's one of his standard moves at this point. I'd be down with a lifetime ban, but that is absolutely not going to happen. I'd be impressed if FIFA banned him for a year, but I don't think that'll happen, either. If he's not out for at least the rest of the World Cup, then FIFA should be disbanded and its members exiled to South Dakota.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 06-25-14 6:41 AM
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100

South Dakota is pretty nice in places.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 06-25-14 6:45 AM
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101

Not those places.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 06-25-14 6:47 AM
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102

I've got former classmates in both Rapid City and Sioux Falls.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 06-25-14 6:47 AM
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103

The three guys he's bitten should get together and do some kind of funny zombie army skit.


Posted by: SP | Link to this comment | 06-25-14 6:48 AM
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104

And the Black Hills are great, nature-wise.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 06-25-14 6:50 AM
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Anyway, this weekend I'll be near to South Dakota but I probably won't get there.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 06-25-14 6:55 AM
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106

||

Stay classy, England.

|>


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 06-25-14 6:57 AM
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apparently the odds were something like 175/1 that he would bite someone in the world cup:

http://www.reddit.com/r/sports/comments/28zlc1/man_wins_1750_on_1751_odds_that_suarez_will_bite/


Posted by: lemmy caution | Link to this comment | 06-25-14 7:07 AM
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106. Well, yes. There is a certain kind of people who take their stag/hen parties to Blackpool, and if you're in a hen/stag party in Blackpool, then that's the kind of people you are. End of.


Posted by: chris y | Link to this comment | 06-25-14 7:17 AM
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I was going to make a slightly different version of this point: I'm sure Suarez grew up poor, but he must have been coddled from a young age, or he'd know that biting someone would earn him an epic beating.

Coddled, or scarier than the people around him? You can be pretty psycho without retaliation if you're scary enough, no?


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 06-25-14 7:33 AM
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If he really needed to eat, he's basically a self-centered version of Jean Valjean.

FIFA, in its infinite majesty, prohibits the vegetarian and the Suarez alike from biting chunks out of opposing players.

Suarez should, of course, get an epic beating on the pitch, and he would except that he's playing football rather than a proper sport.


Posted by: ajay | Link to this comment | 06-25-14 8:50 AM
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109: I mean, or it could be both! I don't think anybody would argue that Tyson wasn't both coddled/sheltered and scary/desperate.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 06-25-14 8:53 AM
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110.2: I was telling my previously unaware friend about the bitings and he said "I hope somebody's punched him by now."

Barnwell on Grantland yesterday mooted a theory that that's exactly what Suarez was hoping for (to piss off the bitten enough that they'd retaliate and get red carded).


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 06-25-14 8:55 AM
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Considering everything else FIFA has done, it would be a terrible miscarriage of justice if the thing that it were disbanded and exiled for were insufficient penalties to Suarez.


Posted by: Megan | Link to this comment | 06-25-14 9:06 AM
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114

This Messi guy apparently knows something about playing the soccer.


Posted by: Josh | Link to this comment | 06-25-14 10:06 AM
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115

Jesus every time I lose the stream or wander off for a minute somebody scores.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 06-25-14 10:11 AM
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116

Holy shit I just fired up the tactical cam on the ESPN app. This how all games should be broadcast.


Posted by: Josh | Link to this comment | 06-25-14 10:20 AM
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117

Does that require a cable login? Can you get that plus the univision announcers? Because I've gotten awfully fond of the univision announcers.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 06-25-14 10:21 AM
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Yeah you have to have a cable login. Although I'm sure there are, uh, other sources for streams that have the same thing.

I think it's just ambient sound, no announcers. But seriously, it gives *such* a better sense of how the game is actually played.


Posted by: Josh | Link to this comment | 06-25-14 10:26 AM
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Although I'm sure there are, uh, other sources for streams that have the same thing.

Oh, I'm sure. Maybe I'll put it in a third window for US/Germany tomorrow. I'm really enjoying the univision, though, and the fact that it'll stream nicely on my ipad makes it pretty hard to beat.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 06-25-14 10:30 AM
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The Univision announcers are sort of ambient sound for me, since I don't speak Spanish. But they're ambient sound with helpful clues about exciting things happening.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 06-25-14 10:31 AM
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I just fired up the tactical cam on the ESPN app. This how all games should be broadcast.

Yessss. Especially on a larger screen. With HD. I would quite possibly die.


Posted by: Annelid Gustator | Link to this comment | 06-25-14 11:17 AM
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It's like the behind the qb view in Madden: now I sort of understand some of what is going on with line play!


Posted by: Annelid Gustator | Link to this comment | 06-25-14 11:20 AM
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123

Wait, the guy who is bleeding from his head after a head-to-head collision is going back in the game? I am still not convinced by your commitment to head trauma safety, FIFA.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 06-25-14 1:33 PM
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124

123: Well if he's bleeding on the outside he's probably not bleeding on the inside, right?


Posted by: Josh | Link to this comment | 06-25-14 1:43 PM
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125

It's also a little weird that if you have blood on your uniform you have to leave the field and change, but apparently bleeding through your bandage is A-OK.


Posted by: Josh | Link to this comment | 06-25-14 1:47 PM
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126

I had sound off and only watching on the phone while on a conference call, but that red card to Ecuador looked to be very harsh--or did I miss something?


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 06-25-14 2:16 PM
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125: well, he did have a protective hairnet.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 06-25-14 2:56 PM
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128

I find 124 unconvincing.


Posted by: essear | Link to this comment | 06-25-14 3:24 PM
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129

Uruguayan FA - those bite marks are fake! Check the kerning! http://www.theguardian.com/football/2014/jun/25/luis-suarez-uruguay-fight-against-ban


Posted by: ajay | Link to this comment | 06-25-14 4:56 PM
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It makes me happy to read an article that makes American sports morality plays seem sensible.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 06-25-14 5:34 PM
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I hope the Colombians destroy Uruguay in a giant fireball. Final score 10-0. That or someone bites Suarez. Even (especially) if he's not playing. A Colombian should just saunter over to the Uruguayan bench and take a bite. They wouldn't get booked, because apparently bites aren't worthy of a red card in this WC.


Posted by: Buttercup | Link to this comment | 06-25-14 8:05 PM
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There seems to be disarray in the Ghana camp (Boetang and Muntari sent packing). For the Portugal game, Muntari was out due to his 2nd yellow, and Boetang had not been doing much anyway, but who knows what the dynamics on the team in general are.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 5:15 AM
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This is good news for the McCain campaign, since the most likely scenario where the US goes through despite losing to Germany involves Portugal winning that match. Though this does raise the probability that Portugal scores some ridiculous blowout & overcomes their goal differential problem.


Posted by: Tom Scudder | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 6:47 AM
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Even in the midst of a big bunch of portugoals I think ayew, atsu, and gyan could sneak a couple.


Posted by: Turgid jacobian | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 6:59 AM
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132: on the other hand, it sounds like they are getting their plane full of money, so maybe they'll be motivated.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 7:00 AM
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Bitey sent to timeout.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 8:01 AM
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Rainy on the brainy in Recife.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 8:09 AM
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I guess Univision is the only way to stream the game? ESPN tells me I can stream it if I pay for cable but they don't seem to recognize that my cable provider exists.

(The conference I'm at stopped reserving a room with a big screen for everyone to watch together the moment Italy lost.)


Posted by: essear | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 8:56 AM
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Oh, yes, the Federal Republic of Alemania.


Posted by: essear | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 8:58 AM
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I guess I have no reason to think that's a weirder name for Deutschland than "Germany".


Posted by: essear | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 8:59 AM
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¡Es tiempo de fútbol!


Posted by: essear | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 9:01 AM
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"Germany" at least has the advantage of antiquity. The Allemanic confederacy didn't exist until the beginning of the 4th century (some say it was constructed by the Romans as a buffer state). I wonder when Deutsch/Dutch became current.


Posted by: chris y | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 9:07 AM
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This is the first US game I've been able to watch. I find myself oddly invested in the results.


Posted by: Parenthetical | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 9:09 AM
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Oh man. Germany really knows this soccer thing.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 9:10 AM
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Can't get the ESPN stream to load. At a TV but want to monitor other game.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 9:12 AM
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Am I right that both teams are defending the German goal?


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 9:15 AM
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145: Univision!


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 9:17 AM
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The Spanish commentary is kind of frustrating because I keep only understanding half of a sentence. "Tonight we sleep [unintelligible]."


Posted by: essear | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 9:18 AM
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Univision to the rescue.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 9:20 AM
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The commercials help because I catch a little more of the meaning each time it airs. After the tween says "Grandpa, you had to walk all this way to get to school?" The old man says "no, I had to walk this far to get to YOU." After only a few games.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 9:21 AM
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"Picar en el piso"? Either I'm mishearing things or there are idioms I don't know.


Posted by: essear | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 9:22 AM
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145: yeah, I wouldn't want to be in ESPN's NOC right now.


Posted by: Josh | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 9:23 AM
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My phone ESPN app was still listing yesterday's games.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 9:26 AM
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Does "Schweinsteiger" sound funny to German speakers?


Posted by: essear | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 9:27 AM
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Ref! The fix is in.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 9:30 AM
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ESPN working fine on Apple TV.

Suarez banned four months.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 9:30 AM
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154: Blume says "he got made fun of for having that name in elementary school, yeah."


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 9:31 AM
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154: Probably less so than the literal translation of "Pig-mounter".


Posted by: knecht ruprecht | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 9:31 AM
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Portugal GOOOOAAAL!


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 9:32 AM
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Portugal!


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 9:32 AM
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Now , go Ghana...


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 9:33 AM
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156: 9 international games and 4 months from any football-related activity. So not just Uruguay games, but Liverpool or whatever club he goes to, too.


Posted by: Josh | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 9:34 AM
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A little bit.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 9:34 AM
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A little bit.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 9:34 AM
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I'm no expert, but it seems as if Germany has been in the US half far more often than the US has been in Germany's. That's bad, right?


Posted by: nosflow | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 9:39 AM
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Depends on who you are rooting for.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 9:41 AM
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I'm not rooting anyone.


Posted by: nosflow | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 9:41 AM
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"I know all players do it from all teams now, but it's horrible, really horrible"—right on, announcer!


Posted by: nosflow | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 9:42 AM
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167: My condolences.


Posted by: Eggplant | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 9:45 AM
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Laugh of the day: Ann Coulter: "any growing interest in soccer can only be a sign of the nation's moral decay."


Posted by: parsimon | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 9:48 AM
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ESPN working phone & comp now.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 10:02 AM
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Mine just stopped working.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 10:03 AM
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171-172: the circle of life.

So Luis Suarez fined 100,000 Swiss Francs. I hope that's going either to a dental- or hunger-oriented charity. Or both!


Posted by: Turgid Jacobian | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 10:06 AM
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Blume says "you misquoted me! I said he 'probably' got made fun of."

I'm making a mockery of the SOOBC.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 10:08 AM
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173.last: probably actually just going to buy Sepp Blatter a sweet grill


Posted by: Turgid Jacobian | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 10:09 AM
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Goddammit.


Posted by: Josh | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 10:13 AM
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Actually looking at the scenarios really rooting for defenses in ghana portugal. Especially now.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 10:13 AM
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Jesus, the US is going to pieces at the back.


Posted by: Josh | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 10:14 AM
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Maybe I should shut up.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 10:15 AM
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Stormcrow definitely jinxed everything.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 10:16 AM
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As predicted, Germany is slicing them up.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 10:17 AM
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If the victorious Allies had implemented the Morgenthau Plan when they had the chance, we wouldn't be taking this beating.


Posted by: knecht ruprecht | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 10:22 AM
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The US can't lose and go through, can they? Or is there a goal difference at work?


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 10:22 AM
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I always wonder what language the players speak with the ref.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 10:24 AM
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This Spanish announcer leans on the last syllable of Mertesacker's name so hard.


Posted by: Blume | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 10:25 AM
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If results stay they are through.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 10:25 AM
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183: if Portugal ties or wins by a goal or two, the US goes through even if they lose by a little.


Posted by: Josh | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 10:25 AM
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538 has a nice chart.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 10:25 AM
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184: I'm pretty sure I just read Özil's lips a while ago saying "What the...?!" (Throwing up arms, didn't see the next word.)


Posted by: Blume | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 10:27 AM
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184: they're supposed to be speaking English. Language issues are why cards were invented (after an issue at the '66 World Cup).


Posted by: Josh | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 10:28 AM
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here's an article about the language issue.


Posted by: Josh | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 10:30 AM
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The Univision announcers keep referring to the Ghana team as "los Africanos".


Posted by: essear | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 10:33 AM
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Ronaldo limping. US dudes dazed. Neither development good.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 10:33 AM
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I wish watching sports was fun.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 10:37 AM
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Ronaldo!


Posted by: Josh | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 10:38 AM
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Christiano!


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 10:39 AM
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!!!!!!!!!!!!


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 10:39 AM
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10 minutes is a long time in football.


Posted by: chris y | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 10:40 AM
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In soccer too sometimes.


Posted by: Blume | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 10:43 AM
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If you guys are going to become a serious power in this game you're going to have to learn what it's called.


Posted by: chris y | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 10:45 AM
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It's English people's fault we call it that.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 10:46 AM
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I have no love for American football and would be fine with it giving up its name to soccer. Seems unlikely to happen though.


Posted by: Blume | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 10:46 AM
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Anyway, shouldn't it be called footandheadball?


Posted by: Tom Scudder | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 10:47 AM
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200: Calcio.


Posted by: Josh | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 10:48 AM
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The last ten minutes?! Hell, the last twenty seconds can be too long.


Posted by: md 20/400 | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 10:50 AM
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Too much stoppage time in Ghana-Portugal agh.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 10:50 AM
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||

Heh.

|>


Posted by: nosflow | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 10:51 AM
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Shit!


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 10:52 AM
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You're through on the arithmetic anyway, barring accidents.


Posted by: chris y | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 10:52 AM
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Shit!


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 10:52 AM
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Clearly Ronaldo is the greatest American.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 10:55 AM
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211: well he *is* named for Reagan...


Posted by: Josh | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 10:57 AM
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Woo-hoo! USA! USA! Sneaking through on tie-breakers! Woot!


Posted by: Tom Scudder | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 10:59 AM
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The US has really mastered the 1-0 international loss.


Posted by: fake accent | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 10:59 AM
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Well, not pretty, but better than many predicted after the draw.

I'm just glad the Ghana curse is fully broken.


Posted by: Turgid Jacobian | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 11:00 AM
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Interesting and unexpected last 16. I hope Algeria manage to at least hold Russia.


Posted by: chris y | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 11:00 AM
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The US has really mastered the 1-0 international loss.

I think that means we've arrived.


Posted by: Turgid Jacobian | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 11:00 AM
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216 - I love the all–South American quarter of the draw.


Posted by: Tom Scudder | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 11:02 AM
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184: I always wonder what language the players speak with the ref.

There was an NPR (I think?) piece on this recently interviewing refs, who said they basically use some kind of universal sign language with the players. I ... am not sure what that means. It seemed to mean gestures, writ large.


Posted by: parsimon | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 11:06 AM
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218. Yes. More opportunity for everybody else. You get Belgium next, presumably. Not a team hitherto tipped for greatness, but who knows?


Posted by: chris y | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 11:07 AM
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220: Based on personnel I think they in fact ARE tipped for greatness. based on results? Yeahnotsomuch. OTOH, the US is tipped for greatness on neither count.


Posted by: Turgid Jacobian | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 11:08 AM
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The Deadspin headline is pretty good: "U.S. Lose Gloriously"


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 11:12 AM
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That's odd. I had the impression from Crooked Timber that Belgium had broken up.


Posted by: peep | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 11:15 AM
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No it's still there. Just every so often it goes six or eight months without a government, but nobody notices except wonks.


Posted by: chris y | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 11:18 AM
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If the USA see off Belgium in the next round though, they'll almost certainly get Argentina in the quarters, and that will be messi.


Posted by: chris y | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 11:22 AM
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Fuck these fat Belgian multilingual child molesters! USA. Also, I know about the prominent Turkish guy but it really is insane how much the German team looked like stock Hollywood Nazis. Also also it's really awesome the we advance and England doesn't. Hahahahaha.


Posted by: Robert Halford | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 11:23 AM
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223 -- Watch Salamander and you'll see why it can never break up.

It seems to me that if Algeria and Korea win this afternoon, then in the next round Germany will have to go through Belgium to get to France. I think we all know how that turns out.


Posted by: CharleyCarp | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 11:23 AM
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Another thing I'd like to learn about is how the advertisements on the side of the stadium are allocated. Lots of Chinese-language only ads which seems like a misallocation but may not be.


Posted by: Robert Halford | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 11:30 AM
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If Russia wins, Germany gets Russia, then France, which is somewhat ahistorical.

Really, shouldn't they have to play both of them at the same time?


Posted by: Tom Scudder | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 11:32 AM
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226: Kevin-Prince Boateng's brother does not look very Aryan.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 11:34 AM
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It's avidly followed by a lot of Chinese (btw there are a lot of Chinese). They may not be playing, but they're betting hard.


Posted by: chris y | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 11:36 AM
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226: The Polish names on the jerseys of two of their best players doesn't exactly fit into your theory, but eh.


Posted by: Blume | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 11:40 AM
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If Russia wins, Germany gets Russia, then France, which is somewhat ahistorical.

See "Tannenberg, Battle of".


Posted by: | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 11:40 AM
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Klose is still one of their two best players, at age 36?


Posted by: Cryptic ned | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 11:43 AM
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Ignore 234: I read it wrong.


Posted by: Cryptic ned | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 11:44 AM
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Good thread. Loving the historical references.


Posted by: Turgid Jacobian | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 11:44 AM
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226: I'll give you Neuer. But nobody's ever going to look at Lahm and think "übermensch".


Posted by: Josh | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 11:48 AM
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Also add Khedira to the exclusions necessary for 226.

(We're playing into your hands Halford, I know.)


Posted by: Blume | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 11:53 AM
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237: Neuer and, to be fair, Shweinsteiger.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 11:55 AM
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Halford is all wet. Ozil, Boateng, Podolsky, (Miroslav) Klose...the German team is pleasantly international.

What's funny is how very very German, and very very different the goalie Neuer and coach Loew are.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 11:56 AM
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Also add Khedira

Yes! Forgot him.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 11:57 AM
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I knew I dropped a letter someplace in 239.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 12:00 PM
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I guess it's not so funny, considering that Cliven Bundy, Haley Barbour, and Harvey Firestien are all very much American types.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 12:02 PM
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243: shitty soccer team, though.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 12:04 PM
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Look, you apologists for the enemy can nitpick all you want, but if you were re-filming "Victory" you pretty much could just use the existing German team as the Nazi team with no problem at all, I guess getting rid of Boateng and Khedira having googled them.


Posted by: Robert Halford | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 12:05 PM
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Firestien (sp)


Posted by: parsimon | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 12:08 PM
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245 and Ozil


Posted by: Turgid Jacobian | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 12:11 PM
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Are you all talking about Ann Coulter? If so, stop, so I can post it.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 12:23 PM
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Following up to 200 and the responses I was re-reading the wikipedia history of Association Football and have now decided that the next time somebody asks why Americans call it soccer I'm going to explain that we (and the Australians and possibly the Canadians) alone among nations have chosen to fight the secretive attempts by nefarious Masonic operatives and their lackeys in FIFA to homogenize and control the glorious panoply of football variants.

Also, ever since I learned the etymology of "soccer" it is impossible for not to hear it in my head in a ridiculous Hugh Laurie-as-Bertie Wooster English public school accent.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 1:48 PM
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249: if the US wins its next game I'm going to celebrate with some champers.


Posted by: Josh | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 1:50 PM
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On the flip side, if you consider all the Germans on the pitch (including the ones who play for the US) things are quite different.


Posted by: Unfoggetarian: "Pause endlessly, then go in" (9) | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 1:54 PM
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L'Algérie!


Posted by: Josh | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 2:20 PM
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Dear Algeria,
Please win by 2
Kisses,
JK


Posted by: Turgid Jacobian | Link to this comment | 06-26-14 2:44 PM
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Time-series graph of tweets mentioning "nazi" during the US-Germany game.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 06-27-14 8:46 AM
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Kind of interesting that Michael Bradley is at the top of the pack in terms of distance covered at the World Cup so far. A lot of chasing.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 06-27-14 9:59 AM
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If Brazil go out at this stage shit is going to get burned down.


Posted by: chris y | Link to this comment | 06-28-14 11:43 AM
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It would sure be wild.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 06-28-14 11:46 AM
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Maybe they have the stadiums rigged to collapse.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 06-28-14 11:47 AM
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Graun: "When Brazil last had a penalty shoot-out, against Paraguay in the 2011 Copa America, not a single Brazilian scored."


Posted by: chris y | Link to this comment | 06-28-14 11:48 AM
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Oof rough.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 06-28-14 11:57 AM
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Crappy way to decide the game.


Posted by: chris y | Link to this comment | 06-28-14 11:59 AM
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