Okay, biting opponents on the shoulder is a really weird fetish! I hadn't realized he was so consistent in his placement.
Two shoulder, one elbow. That overbite ain't for nothing!
Rodents have to chew constantly or their teeth grow too large.
I'm looking forward to some biting commentary.
So did he have, like, a mentor who taught him this technique? Did he grow up somewhere they learned super-secret biting-style soccer?
The picture MHPH linked in the other thread seems pretty darn dispositive.
So for one of them he gets an elbow to the face, which is almost proportionate.
A smart opponent might coat themselves in lethargy-inducing poison and taunt him into biting them. I'm sure it's not against the rules, even in spirit.
Was there any question? It was clearly a bite. If this comes back as a one game suspension, rather than, say, a year, or life, then, well, then it'll just be ridiculous.
If there was any real question this should settle it.
What really confuses me is... why?
I mean, at least in the other biting incidents you could make up a story for what prompted him to chomp on someone. There was an argument going on, or it was in the middle of a struggle for possession or something. With this one it looks like he just ran up and bit someone for no apparent reason.
You don't need to have an apparent reason for every little thing you do.
Maybe it's just kind of his thing, now. He doesn't even remember why, but, you know, keep the sponsors happy.
"Thanks to Fixodent I can keep up with my active lifestyle!"
FIFA rules he can play but with special equipment.
I have to say, these biting incidents are detracting from the respect he earned with that hand-block.
The title immediately brings this kid's earworm to mind.
In my mind, I always sing that song "There's a party in my booty/ so roundy / and smoothy."
I feel like this is the sort of space where I can share this sort of thing.
We encourage all of our commenters to feel free to reveal sillinesses, fears, revulsions or what have you.
No biting yet in Greece/Ivory Coast.
It was a Uruguayan Rugby Union team that ate each other after crashing in the Andes. It might just be part of their national character.
So it's like a tribute? That's sweet.
16- I was going to go with the Hannibal mask.
Somebody on twitter suggests he's teething.
Yes. I got many bites right there when the boy was teething.
This Is Just to Say
I have eaten
the defender
that was in
the penalty box
and who
you were probably
hoping was saving
the goal
Forgive me
he was delicious
so sweaty
and so hot
ARGH. The Greek guy tripped himself and got the penalty. Heart-breaking for Ivory Coast; infuriating for viewers at home. Why do they not have instant reply? (says the naive football newbie)
Instant replay, of course. Though instant reply might be entertaining.
The Greek guy was running up to shoot with a defender right behind him, when his foot went back to shoot he managed to hook it behind the defender's leg and went down.
I feel like Greece got the benefit of more than a few questionable calls in that match, but it didn't matter for most of them the way it did for this one.
I thought 29 was pretty great. I'm tempted to join a contrarian "Carnivores for Suarez" movement but that feels like a troll too far. CHOMP.
Maybe a "Velociraptors for Suarez" web page? "Saltwater Crocodiles for Suarez"? One of you technical wizards should get on this.
Anyhow, my new considered view is that soccer is fucking great. I'm still in favor of murdering every third amateur US high school player, and it's still not better than the three genuine spectator sports, but otherwise these games have been fun as fuck to watch and soccer will not be affirmatively banned under the new regime.
Wait, what are the three genuine spectator sports? Keep in mind that soccer is way better than football.
The fact that you even need to ask means citizenship REVOKED. Unless you're Hispanic, in which case the foregoing sentence was racist.
Anyhow, my new considered view is that soccer is fucking great.
Agreed. This tournament has been fun as hell.
Or maybe the sentence about that being racist was itself racist? Who knows, enough! Bring me something to bite.
the three genuine spectator sports?
Rum Sodomy & the Lash?
Archibald Leach, Bernard Schwartz and Lucille LeSueur?
Heebz, I blame this post's title on you.
Keep in mind that calling it soccer is way better than calling it football because America.
Since baseball is just barely above NASCAR in the stultifying spectator sports sweepstakes, I'm going with football, basketball, and hockey.
If they shortened the play-clock to 24 seconds, maybe.
48 could not be more wrong. In NASCAR at least things go fast.
The three sports are bicycle racing, golf and professional wrestling, obviously.
Penis fencing, orgasm faking, and recriminations?
Okay, yes, this does a pretty darn good job of getting at what the deal is with the biting. Geez. (Trigger warning: longform)
Now I have this song in my head. Thanks, heebie.
Suarez is just doing his best to illustrate the need for additional officials and/or replay. He does shit that's an obvious red if anyone sees it and half the time he gets away with it. His acting out is really just based on his promotion of the best interests of the game.
Probably others had already seen this.
52 is terrible! If I hadn't just wasted however many minutes of my life reading it, I'd take another five minutes and summarize it almost completely in a paragraph. Let me take five seconds and summarize it slightly unfairly: Luis Suarez bites people because he grew up poor. Come on.
Death to longform journalism, headbutts to Sifu Tweety, and a kick in the shins to Teofilo.
Don't make me revoke your rural cred again.
60.last: easy, Luis, no need to bite anyone's head off!
The article in 52 is great.
Besides I think we can all agree that the cause of Suarez's antics is obviously leaded gasoline.
Admittedly I liked the article primarily for its narrative style, although its conclusions about Suarez do seem pretty plausible to me.
Allow me to be the first to suggest fresh assault.
I liked the article primarily for its narrative style
There were some nice descriptions, which is why I've asked the hitman to dispatch the author quickly and mercifully.
This is mildly amusing. Ogged humor.
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BqtOUhCCIAEGt2U.jpg
I liked it primarily because Suarez life story, told well, is remarkable.
I'm reading 52 and occasionally enjoying the writing, but I'm not a big fan of the "who is the real [anyone, not just Suarez], watch me now as I search for the essence of their identity" genre. Also, in the immediate term, who gives a fuck? There's no ambiguity about biting people. Kick him out of the sport. His childhood might matter to how you feel about his lifetime ban.
A four match ban sounds more reasonable. A reckless tackle can end someone's career. Suarez biting hasn't hurt anyone.
This is another example of how rules and morals don't always line up. Also, I don't think you can give a shorter ban for a third offense than the one given for a second offense for the same thing. Unless you want to start sanctioning his behavior. In which case, Emerson will be right.
In conclusion, I agree with ogged.
The previous ban was from the FA, not FIFA. Someone on football weekly made the point that Sassoti got an 8 match ban for breaking Luis Enrique's nose in the 94 world cup, so a longer ban for Suarez would be strange.
Well, then I hope he can bite people in as many jurisdictions as are available to him.
a longer ban for Suarez would be strange
No, because causing injuries isn't the only metric for determining someone's punishment. Yes, causing injuries is serious, but so is bringing disgrace to the game, and so is deterring other bizarre acts of aggression, unless you want to turn soccer into hockey.
A quick search turns up more hockey biting in recent years than I would have guessed, and not much punishment. I assume those players bit because they love their families very much.
Well, I agree with that. If you want an eight match ban, that's reasonable, but not kicking him out of the sport.
Jermain Defoe bit Javier Mascherano in 2006.
It doesn't actuallly look like he's biting Chiellini, more like a headbutt. But headbutting people with your mouth seems dicey.
76: OTOH Schumacher didn't even get a foul called for nearly killing Battiston.
It doesn't actuallly look like he's biting Chiellini
He should get a lifetime ban. He bit somebody. Who bites somebody? You shouldn't need to be told by the FIFA to not bite people. What's the argument for letting him ever play again?
What's the argument for letting him ever play again?
Money.
Money, as Ginger Y says, and he is a genuinely brilliant watchable player. Arsehole-ry aside.
Three bites, a colleague remarked, is the limit at which you get politely asked to take your toddler to a different playgroup.
Anyway, contra 52, surely if Hammer horror movies teach us anything it is that it's the upper classes, not the proles, who are most likely to go round biting people? Christopher Lee wasn't up there on the silver screen going "All right, guv. I'm Dracula, me. Welcome to my hovel. Enter freely and leave behind some of the 'appiness you bring, me old china."
The author of the article linked in 52 thinks he's HST redivivus. He isn't.
The article in 52 does quote this prediction. The first part came true, so the second must be right around the corner: "He will do something insane at this summer's World Cup -- mark it down. ... Eventually, he'll punch a baby."
Apparently celebratory crotch-bites are also unwelcome?
I'm learning so much about soccer!
Probably not any cannibalism, but we can't rule it out based on the article.
I don't know if what Sassoti did is really comparable to Suarez: I mean, from what I know the broken nose happened during play, and involved something that while clearly a foul wasn't a result of just maliciously attacking someone. Suarez just appears to have gotten hungry out there and leaned over to bite someone, which seems a lot more serious.
If he really needed to eat, he's basically a self-centered version of Jean Valjean.
so is deterring other bizarre acts of aggression, unless you want to turn soccer into hockey
I'm the only player who ever took his skate off and tried to stab a guy with it.
it's the upper classes, not the proles, who are most likely to go round biting people?
I was going to make a slightly different version of this point: I'm sure Suarez grew up poor, but he must have been coddled from a young age, or he'd know that biting someone would earn him an epic beating. As it is, in contrast to the Defoe episode, which was someone lashing out in anger, Suarez's last two bites have been while he was jockeying for position; it's one of his standard moves at this point. I'd be down with a lifetime ban, but that is absolutely not going to happen. I'd be impressed if FIFA banned him for a year, but I don't think that'll happen, either. If he's not out for at least the rest of the World Cup, then FIFA should be disbanded and its members exiled to South Dakota.
South Dakota is pretty nice in places.
I've got former classmates in both Rapid City and Sioux Falls.
The three guys he's bitten should get together and do some kind of funny zombie army skit.
And the Black Hills are great, nature-wise.
Anyway, this weekend I'll be near to South Dakota but I probably won't get there.
apparently the odds were something like 175/1 that he would bite someone in the world cup:
http://www.reddit.com/r/sports/comments/28zlc1/man_wins_1750_on_1751_odds_that_suarez_will_bite/
106. Well, yes. There is a certain kind of people who take their stag/hen parties to Blackpool, and if you're in a hen/stag party in Blackpool, then that's the kind of people you are. End of.
I was going to make a slightly different version of this point: I'm sure Suarez grew up poor, but he must have been coddled from a young age, or he'd know that biting someone would earn him an epic beating.
Coddled, or scarier than the people around him? You can be pretty psycho without retaliation if you're scary enough, no?
If he really needed to eat, he's basically a self-centered version of Jean Valjean.
FIFA, in its infinite majesty, prohibits the vegetarian and the Suarez alike from biting chunks out of opposing players.
Suarez should, of course, get an epic beating on the pitch, and he would except that he's playing football rather than a proper sport.
109: I mean, or it could be both! I don't think anybody would argue that Tyson wasn't both coddled/sheltered and scary/desperate.
110.2: I was telling my previously unaware friend about the bitings and he said "I hope somebody's punched him by now."
Barnwell on Grantland yesterday mooted a theory that that's exactly what Suarez was hoping for (to piss off the bitten enough that they'd retaliate and get red carded).
Considering everything else FIFA has done, it would be a terrible miscarriage of justice if the thing that it were disbanded and exiled for were insufficient penalties to Suarez.
This Messi guy apparently knows something about playing the soccer.
Jesus every time I lose the stream or wander off for a minute somebody scores.
Holy shit I just fired up the tactical cam on the ESPN app. This how all games should be broadcast.
Does that require a cable login? Can you get that plus the univision announcers? Because I've gotten awfully fond of the univision announcers.
Yeah you have to have a cable login. Although I'm sure there are, uh, other sources for streams that have the same thing.
I think it's just ambient sound, no announcers. But seriously, it gives *such* a better sense of how the game is actually played.
Although I'm sure there are, uh, other sources for streams that have the same thing.
Oh, I'm sure. Maybe I'll put it in a third window for US/Germany tomorrow. I'm really enjoying the univision, though, and the fact that it'll stream nicely on my ipad makes it pretty hard to beat.
The Univision announcers are sort of ambient sound for me, since I don't speak Spanish. But they're ambient sound with helpful clues about exciting things happening.
I just fired up the tactical cam on the ESPN app. This how all games should be broadcast.
Yessss. Especially on a larger screen. With HD. I would quite possibly die.
It's like the behind the qb view in Madden: now I sort of understand some of what is going on with line play!
Wait, the guy who is bleeding from his head after a head-to-head collision is going back in the game? I am still not convinced by your commitment to head trauma safety, FIFA.
123: Well if he's bleeding on the outside he's probably not bleeding on the inside, right?
It's also a little weird that if you have blood on your uniform you have to leave the field and change, but apparently bleeding through your bandage is A-OK.
I had sound off and only watching on the phone while on a conference call, but that red card to Ecuador looked to be very harsh--or did I miss something?
125: well, he did have a protective hairnet.
Uruguayan FA - those bite marks are fake! Check the kerning! http://www.theguardian.com/football/2014/jun/25/luis-suarez-uruguay-fight-against-ban
It makes me happy to read an article that makes American sports morality plays seem sensible.
I hope the Colombians destroy Uruguay in a giant fireball. Final score 10-0. That or someone bites Suarez. Even (especially) if he's not playing. A Colombian should just saunter over to the Uruguayan bench and take a bite. They wouldn't get booked, because apparently bites aren't worthy of a red card in this WC.
There seems to be disarray in the Ghana camp (Boetang and Muntari sent packing). For the Portugal game, Muntari was out due to his 2nd yellow, and Boetang had not been doing much anyway, but who knows what the dynamics on the team in general are.
This is good news for the McCain campaign, since the most likely scenario where the US goes through despite losing to Germany involves Portugal winning that match. Though this does raise the probability that Portugal scores some ridiculous blowout & overcomes their goal differential problem.
Even in the midst of a big bunch of portugoals I think ayew, atsu, and gyan could sneak a couple.
132: on the other hand, it sounds like they are getting their plane full of money, so maybe they'll be motivated.
I guess Univision is the only way to stream the game? ESPN tells me I can stream it if I pay for cable but they don't seem to recognize that my cable provider exists.
(The conference I'm at stopped reserving a room with a big screen for everyone to watch together the moment Italy lost.)
Oh, yes, the Federal Republic of Alemania.
I guess I have no reason to think that's a weirder name for Deutschland than "Germany".
"Germany" at least has the advantage of antiquity. The Allemanic confederacy didn't exist until the beginning of the 4th century (some say it was constructed by the Romans as a buffer state). I wonder when Deutsch/Dutch became current.
This is the first US game I've been able to watch. I find myself oddly invested in the results.
Oh man. Germany really knows this soccer thing.
Can't get the ESPN stream to load. At a TV but want to monitor other game.
Am I right that both teams are defending the German goal?
The Spanish commentary is kind of frustrating because I keep only understanding half of a sentence. "Tonight we sleep [unintelligible]."
The commercials help because I catch a little more of the meaning each time it airs. After the tween says "Grandpa, you had to walk all this way to get to school?" The old man says "no, I had to walk this far to get to YOU." After only a few games.
"Picar en el piso"? Either I'm mishearing things or there are idioms I don't know.
145: yeah, I wouldn't want to be in ESPN's NOC right now.
My phone ESPN app was still listing yesterday's games.
Does "Schweinsteiger" sound funny to German speakers?
ESPN working fine on Apple TV.
Suarez banned four months.
154: Blume says "he got made fun of for having that name in elementary school, yeah."
156: 9 international games and 4 months from any football-related activity. So not just Uruguay games, but Liverpool or whatever club he goes to, too.
I'm no expert, but it seems as if Germany has been in the US half far more often than the US has been in Germany's. That's bad, right?
Depends on who you are rooting for.
"I know all players do it from all teams now, but it's horrible, really horrible"—right on, announcer!
Laugh of the day: Ann Coulter: "any growing interest in soccer can only be a sign of the nation's moral decay."
ESPN working phone & comp now.
171-172: the circle of life.
So Luis Suarez fined 100,000 Swiss Francs. I hope that's going either to a dental- or hunger-oriented charity. Or both!
Blume says "you misquoted me! I said he 'probably' got made fun of."
I'm making a mockery of the SOOBC.
173.last: probably actually just going to buy Sepp Blatter a sweet grill
Actually looking at the scenarios really rooting for defenses in ghana portugal. Especially now.
Jesus, the US is going to pieces at the back.
Stormcrow definitely jinxed everything.
As predicted, Germany is slicing them up.
The US can't lose and go through, can they? Or is there a goal difference at work?
I always wonder what language the players speak with the ref.
This Spanish announcer leans on the last syllable of Mertesacker's name so hard.
If results stay they are through.
183: if Portugal ties or wins by a goal or two, the US goes through even if they lose by a little.
184: I'm pretty sure I just read Özil's lips a while ago saying "What the...?!" (Throwing up arms, didn't see the next word.)
184: they're supposed to be speaking English. Language issues are why cards were invented (after an issue at the '66 World Cup).
here's an article about the language issue.
The Univision announcers keep referring to the Ghana team as "los Africanos".
Ronaldo limping. US dudes dazed. Neither development good.
I wish watching sports was fun.
10 minutes is a long time in football.
If you guys are going to become a serious power in this game you're going to have to learn what it's called.
It's English people's fault we call it that.
I have no love for American football and would be fine with it giving up its name to soccer. Seems unlikely to happen though.
Anyway, shouldn't it be called footandheadball?
The last ten minutes?! Hell, the last twenty seconds can be too long.
Too much stoppage time in Ghana-Portugal agh.
You're through on the arithmetic anyway, barring accidents.
Clearly Ronaldo is the greatest American.
Woo-hoo! USA! USA! Sneaking through on tie-breakers! Woot!
The US has really mastered the 1-0 international loss.
Well, not pretty, but better than many predicted after the draw.
I'm just glad the Ghana curse is fully broken.
Interesting and unexpected last 16. I hope Algeria manage to at least hold Russia.
The US has really mastered the 1-0 international loss.
I think that means we've arrived.
216 - I love the all–South American quarter of the draw.
184: I always wonder what language the players speak with the ref.
There was an NPR (I think?) piece on this recently interviewing refs, who said they basically use some kind of universal sign language with the players. I ... am not sure what that means. It seemed to mean gestures, writ large.
218. Yes. More opportunity for everybody else. You get Belgium next, presumably. Not a team hitherto tipped for greatness, but who knows?
220: Based on personnel I think they in fact ARE tipped for greatness. based on results? Yeahnotsomuch. OTOH, the US is tipped for greatness on neither count.
The Deadspin headline is pretty good: "U.S. Lose Gloriously"
That's odd. I had the impression from Crooked Timber that Belgium had broken up.
No it's still there. Just every so often it goes six or eight months without a government, but nobody notices except wonks.
If the USA see off Belgium in the next round though, they'll almost certainly get Argentina in the quarters, and that will be messi.
Fuck these fat Belgian multilingual child molesters! USA. Also, I know about the prominent Turkish guy but it really is insane how much the German team looked like stock Hollywood Nazis. Also also it's really awesome the we advance and England doesn't. Hahahahaha.
223 -- Watch Salamander and you'll see why it can never break up.
It seems to me that if Algeria and Korea win this afternoon, then in the next round Germany will have to go through Belgium to get to France. I think we all know how that turns out.
Another thing I'd like to learn about is how the advertisements on the side of the stadium are allocated. Lots of Chinese-language only ads which seems like a misallocation but may not be.
If Russia wins, Germany gets Russia, then France, which is somewhat ahistorical.
Really, shouldn't they have to play both of them at the same time?
226: Kevin-Prince Boateng's brother does not look very Aryan.
It's avidly followed by a lot of Chinese (btw there are a lot of Chinese). They may not be playing, but they're betting hard.
226: The Polish names on the jerseys of two of their best players doesn't exactly fit into your theory, but eh.
If Russia wins, Germany gets Russia, then France, which is somewhat ahistorical.
See "Tannenberg, Battle of".
Klose is still one of their two best players, at age 36?
Good thread. Loving the historical references.
226: I'll give you Neuer. But nobody's ever going to look at Lahm and think "übermensch".
Also add Khedira to the exclusions necessary for 226.
(We're playing into your hands Halford, I know.)
237: Neuer and, to be fair, Shweinsteiger.
Halford is all wet. Ozil, Boateng, Podolsky, (Miroslav) Klose...the German team is pleasantly international.
What's funny is how very very German, and very very different the goalie Neuer and coach Loew are.
I knew I dropped a letter someplace in 239.
I guess it's not so funny, considering that Cliven Bundy, Haley Barbour, and Harvey Firestien are all very much American types.
243: shitty soccer team, though.
Look, you apologists for the enemy can nitpick all you want, but if you were re-filming "Victory" you pretty much could just use the existing German team as the Nazi team with no problem at all, I guess getting rid of Boateng and Khedira having googled them.
Are you all talking about Ann Coulter? If so, stop, so I can post it.
Following up to 200 and the responses I was re-reading the wikipedia history of Association Football and have now decided that the next time somebody asks why Americans call it soccer I'm going to explain that we (and the Australians and possibly the Canadians) alone among nations have chosen to fight the secretive attempts by nefarious Masonic operatives and their lackeys in FIFA to homogenize and control the glorious panoply of football variants.
Also, ever since I learned the etymology of "soccer" it is impossible for not to hear it in my head in a ridiculous Hugh Laurie-as-Bertie Wooster English public school accent.
249: if the US wins its next game I'm going to celebrate with some champers.
On the flip side, if you consider all the Germans on the pitch (including the ones who play for the US) things are quite different.
Dear Algeria,
Please win by 2
Kisses,
JK
Time-series graph of tweets mentioning "nazi" during the US-Germany game.
Kind of interesting that Michael Bradley is at the top of the pack in terms of distance covered at the World Cup so far. A lot of chasing.
If Brazil go out at this stage shit is going to get burned down.
Maybe they have the stadiums rigged to collapse.
Graun: "When Brazil last had a penalty shoot-out, against Paraguay in the 2011 Copa America, not a single Brazilian scored."
