Re: The Future

1

Does the Virgin Ben work for Breitbart now?


Posted by: snarkout | Link to this comment | 08-21-14 1:19 PM
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Any bets on what form his inevitable disgrace takes? The old classics (you know: plagiarism, racist outburst, vehicular homicide, public restroom cruising arrest) seem less probable in his case. I'm going to go with financial impropriety of some sort.


Posted by: knecht ruprecht | Link to this comment | 08-21-14 1:24 PM
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3

2: Unsolicited genital selfie.


Posted by: Flippanter | Link to this comment | 08-21-14 1:28 PM
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I'm just going to preempt the insults by noting that his interests include Crossfit. Preemptive strike!


Posted by: Robert Halford | Link to this comment | 08-21-14 1:29 PM
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3: I almost suggested "well-documented sexual harassment", but yours is more on point.


Posted by: knecht ruprecht | Link to this comment | 08-21-14 1:31 PM
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Bad to make fun of him. Better to shoot him because we fear for the life of our intellectual discourse.


Posted by: essear | Link to this comment | 08-21-14 1:31 PM
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3/5: Roofying (sp?) and assaulting a girl he's had a crush on for almost a decade but never asked out.


Posted by: ydnew | Link to this comment | 08-21-14 1:35 PM
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5: "Genital Selfie" is going to be the name of a band comprised of three hipster mommybloggers and some balding twerp on bass in about twenty minutes, isn't it?


Posted by: Flippanter | Link to this comment | 08-21-14 1:36 PM
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7: Or, as it's known in the business, "going full fedora."


Posted by: Flippanter | Link to this comment | 08-21-14 1:39 PM
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10

5 to 4.


Posted by: Josh | Link to this comment | 08-21-14 1:48 PM
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I feel like the prior is pretty high for "white American dude saying 'weiqi' instead of 'go' is a douche" but I guess it depends on his social circles. Disclaimer: I've never played go and don't really know what people who do call it.


Posted by: essear | Link to this comment | 08-21-14 1:53 PM
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three hipster mommybloggers and some balding twerp on bass

Or "Unfogged" for short.


Posted by: Todd | Link to this comment | 08-21-14 2:01 PM
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13

Do I deserve to have my bike stolen if I leave it unlocked on the quad?

Are we supposed to think the answer to this question is obviously "yes"?


Posted by: urple | Link to this comment | 08-21-14 2:10 PM
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I feel like the prior is pretty high for "white American dude saying 'weiqi' instead of 'go' is a douche"....

Yeah, pretty much.


Posted by: Flippanter | Link to this comment | 08-21-14 2:12 PM
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Dude, I'm into xiangqi and even I call it go, bro.

I'm pretty sure a young Niall ferguson wrote at least a few of those articles.


Posted by: dalriata | Link to this comment | 08-21-14 2:19 PM
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At first I thought this post, which I misread, was claiming that Douthat and McMegan had literally had a child.

I see, however, that the baby under discussion is metaphorical, and the name beginning with "M" belongs to someone else, presumably friend of the blog Harvey.


Posted by: nosflow | Link to this comment | 08-21-14 2:27 PM
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Also, are you talking about 20-year-old Malik Gill (concerned about looking like a predator, and by his age, presumably a sophomore), or 22-year-old Chris Herries (diligent locker of his bike, and by his age presumably a senior)?


Posted by: nosflow | Link to this comment | 08-21-14 2:29 PM
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Chris Herries is a sophomore majoring in Latin. His interests include rugby, crossfit, weiqi, and public service. Please shoot him an email if you have an issues with his articles.


Posted by: Mister Smearcase | Link to this comment | 08-21-14 2:31 PM
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19

Huh. Guess he got a late start.


Posted by: nosflow | Link to this comment | 08-21-14 2:32 PM
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20

Surely someone has told him that a thief who takes an unlocked bike without the owner's consent is legally treated exactly the same as one who used force?


Posted by: SP | Link to this comment | 08-21-14 2:33 PM
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21

I once left my bicycle unlocked (… for a week) and it was stolen! I'm sure that if the thief were apprehended he or she would indeed face punishment, but, pace the implicature that may be thought to be present in 20, if someone had told me "well, you were kind of asking for it, you know", I would probably agree, even though I would also think that the thief had acted wrongly.

I mean, maybe one shouldn't say that kind of thing to someone whose bike is stolen! It is certainly neither nice, nor sympathetic, nor productive.

In conclusion, there are significant and obvious disanalogies here and even typing the above paragraphs made me feel kind of squicky even though I actually mean only to be talking about plain old literaly bike theft.


Posted by: nosflow | Link to this comment | 08-21-14 2:38 PM
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Anyway, the answer to the question Herries asks is pretty obviously "no", as everyone with a brain can easily discern, so … why am I even writing more comments about this? Don't I have more important things to write, like my DEVASTATING TAKEDOWN of a fifteen-year-old Dave Eggers interview? (Or claims made therein; one ca'n't really take down an interview, I guess.)


Posted by: nosflow | Link to this comment | 08-21-14 2:43 PM
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23

What if you lock the bike through the frame and front wheel, and yet they still take the back wheel which you thought would be okay not being a quick release?


Posted by: XiaoConkle | Link to this comment | 08-21-14 3:04 PM
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21: I'm extremely grateful for 21.3.


Posted by: ydnew | Link to this comment | 08-21-14 3:04 PM
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25

Non consensual anal is also rape, no matter what clothes were on your ass.


Posted by: SP | Link to this comment | 08-21-14 3:12 PM
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26

DEVASTATING TAKEDOWN

"WHAT? WHAT? TH-THAT'S NOSFLOW'S MUSIC! HE'S GOT A STEEL CHAIR! NO, WAIT, IT'S JUST A LINK TO A PICTURE OF A STEEL CHAIR ON HIS TUMBLR. LOOKS LIKE IT'S FROM DESIGN WITHIN REACH. YOU KNOW, KING, DWR HAS SOME PRETTY DECENT SALES NOW AND THEN."


Posted by: OPINIONATED JIM ROSS | Link to this comment | 08-21-14 3:15 PM
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Coïncidentally, I just learned this morning about bait bikes, the twist in this particular news item being that these bikes are expensive enough to get thieves charged with a felony (as ever, avoid the comments). Having had a beloved bike stolen, to people who would accuse the cops of entrapment I would say, fuck off. Though to avoid potentially fatal encounters with gswift's colleagues, I would recommend just outfitting your own bait bike as a pipe bomb.


Posted by: Jesus McQueen | Link to this comment | 08-21-14 3:53 PM
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28

Are the bait bikes promiscuous, I mean, unlocked?


Posted by: SP | Link to this comment | 08-21-14 4:00 PM
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21.2,.3: The thing is that even if one had thought you'd been dumb for leaving your bike unlocked, no one would suggest that maybe you really meant, by leaving it unlocked, to give your bike away.

Squick.


Posted by: Cala | Link to this comment | 08-21-14 4:04 PM
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30

"In the end where is profundity without gravity?"

Oh, my God. I nearly died.


Posted by: Bostoniangirl | Link to this comment | 08-21-14 4:18 PM
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31

28: Unlocked, roofied, and wearing practically nothing. Still, hurt the perps.


Posted by: Jesus McQueen | Link to this comment | 08-21-14 4:22 PM
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32
But NRO will hire him someday, and retroactively justify us.

Or maybe Vox.


Posted by: parsimon | Link to this comment | 08-21-14 5:55 PM
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33

||

Whoa. Freddie deBoer is now blogging at The Dish. I ... had no idea.

|>


Posted by: parsimon | Link to this comment | 08-21-14 6:35 PM
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34

Though to avoid potentially fatal encounters with gswift's colleagues, I would recommend just outfitting your own bait bike as a pipe bomb.

Or not! MAKE had a tutorial on disguising your bianchi with faux rust and mismatched pedals


Posted by: XiaoConkle | Link to this comment | 08-21-14 8:12 PM
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35

Maybe the analogy works because bicycles have vaginas. That would explain all the enthusiasm for bikes.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 08-21-14 8:31 PM
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36

And the saying, "A woman needs a bicycle like a fish needs a man."


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 08-21-14 8:48 PM
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37

Glad that the cops are protecting y'all against terrorism in the heartland.


Posted by: Nworb Werdna | Link to this comment | 08-21-14 10:59 PM
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38

Bicycle terrorism, I should add.


Posted by: Nworb Werdna | Link to this comment | 08-21-14 10:59 PM
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39

34 to 37.


Posted by: nosflow | Link to this comment | 08-22-14 12:14 AM
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40

I guess the Teo & Smearcase & Thorn show isn't on anymore.


Posted by: nosflow | Link to this comment | 08-22-14 12:20 AM
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41

I'm here! I'm in Nome and have very slow internet.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 08-22-14 12:31 AM
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42

OF COURSE ALL THIS CAN BE EXPLAINED BY THE ATOMIC THEORY OF MATTER.


Posted by: OPINIONATED POLICE SERGEANT | Link to this comment | 08-22-14 12:57 AM
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37: well, honestly, if you leave a bike lying around labelled PIPE BOMB, then of course people are going to be alarmed.


Posted by: ajay | Link to this comment | 08-22-14 1:01 AM
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44

Chris Herries is a sophomore majoring in Latin. His interests include rugby, crossfit, weiqi, and public service. Please shoot him an email if you have an issues with his articles.

FTFY.


Posted by: chris y | Link to this comment | 08-22-14 1:08 AM
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45

I like to think of 44 as endorsing 18 rather than being pwned by it.


Posted by: ajay | Link to this comment | 08-22-14 1:25 AM
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46

37, 43, 44 -- Come on, subjects of the Queen, step it up, we had like two whole threads on "My Bike Is A Pipe Bomb" not too long ago and the exact joke in 44 was made around 6 hours ago in the same thread. I'm also trying to come up with a joke soon the lines of "just because RTFA is pronounced "Rexfordshire" over there doesn't mean it doesn't matter" but can't quite make it work.


Posted by: Robert Halford | Link to this comment | 08-22-14 1:31 AM
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Stormcrow IIRC had the genius idea of using "This Bike Is A Pipe Bomb" as the crew's signature on an Iraq-bound missile.


Posted by: Robert Halford | Link to this comment | 08-22-14 1:37 AM
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48

It was funnier when he said it.


Posted by: Robert Halford | Link to this comment | 08-22-14 1:58 AM
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49

36: Most fish just need to find the right man.


Posted by: Walt Someguy | Link to this comment | 08-22-14 2:19 AM
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Anyone else have a Prince earwurm from the OP title?

https://play.spotify.com/track/0svV7nIgkTsBQRN57dtbAy


Posted by: nattarGcM ttaM | Link to this comment | 08-22-14 2:38 AM
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51

50 No

Leonard Cohen


Posted by: bob mcmanus | Link to this comment | 08-22-14 5:00 AM
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52

No. Modern English.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 08-22-14 5:10 AM
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40: I thought I was just a guess! I'm supposed to be really living on Eastern time now that I have to be up before 6.


Posted by: Thorn | Link to this comment | 08-22-14 5:31 AM
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54

Guest, rather. Huh.


Posted by: Thorn | Link to this comment | 08-22-14 5:37 AM
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55

Like Teri Garr. But the tough part is figuring out if Teo or Smearcase is Letterman.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 08-22-14 5:53 AM
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I really only know Teri Garr from crossword puzzles. Am I going to have to google this?


Posted by: Thorn | Link to this comment | 08-22-14 6:06 AM
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She used to do a lot of guest spots on talk shows. And played Pheobe's mom on Friends.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 08-22-14 6:33 AM
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Mother of 1980s Atlanta Braves speedster Ralph Garr.


Posted by: cryptic ned | Link to this comment | 08-22-14 6:33 AM
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59

I get a lot of doubletakes when ppl card me


Posted by: Turgid Jacobian | Link to this comment | 08-22-14 6:36 AM
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The archives include several of us confessing to inappropriate thoughts about her back in the day.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 08-22-14 6:37 AM
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Oh, Young Frankenstein, finally something I've seen! Okay. Sorry, I missed out on a lot growing up with no tv.


Posted by: Thorn | Link to this comment | 08-22-14 6:39 AM
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62

The great scene in Close Encounters where Dreyfus is sculpting Devil's Tower on the dining room table and she's running around in here PJs gathering up the kids.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 08-22-14 6:39 AM
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63

I've never seen Young Frankenstein and I grew up with one of those big TVs that was furniture.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 08-22-14 6:40 AM
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64

61, 62: Now I need a cigarette.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 08-22-14 6:40 AM
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65

As someone who's not good at having celebrity crushes, I really appreciate the linked threads. And maybe where this one is going.


Posted by: Thorn | Link to this comment | 08-22-14 6:46 AM
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I didn't, and don't consider those thoughts inappropriate, but our feelings were effected by her diagnosis/condition.


Posted by: idp | Link to this comment | 08-22-14 6:50 AM
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60: And Garr prompted a rare appearance on the blog by MrBitchPhd.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 08-22-14 6:54 AM
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I was recently re-watching The Conversation, and was struck by the fact that both Teri Garr and Harrison Ford are completely unrecognizable. I seriously wouldn't have known it was them if not for the credits.

57: Speaking of Friends, I've always thought it's kind of great that Jennifer Aniston's first big role just prior to the show was in the B horror movie Leprechaun. It's too bad her character in that movie wasn't named Rachel. A Friends-Leprechaun crossover would have been awesome.


Posted by: AcademicLurker | Link to this comment | 08-22-14 6:57 AM
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47: It was "This Missile is a Pipe Bomb." Which no through mention is now retroactively no longer funny.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 08-22-14 7:06 AM
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29: no one would suggest that maybe you really meant, by leaving it unlocked, to give your bike away

I am clearly part of the problem. I once disposed of a bike that I didn't want any more when moving out of an apartment by putting it on a nearby bike rack without a lock. It was gone within a day.


Posted by: Nathan Williams | Link to this comment | 08-22-14 7:07 AM
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I can tie two threads with this:

I can remember Ric Hertzberg, I think during the Spitzer affair if that was in 2011, trying to make the point in a New Yorker podcast that men, even or especially well-married, often felt a desire for the company of a woman who would be more yielding. I'll always like him for saying that.

Terri Garr could communicate that quality better than any actor I can think of.


Posted by: idp | Link to this comment | 08-22-14 7:10 AM
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As someone who's not good at having celebrity crushes

I've never been good at them either, though I will make the occasional exception.


Posted by: MAE | Link to this comment | 08-22-14 7:12 AM
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66: I didn't, and don't consider those thoughts inappropriate

Ok, you want inappropriate? How about Friends-themed Garr/Aniston "my friend's mom mature-on-young lesbian" pron? Now that's what I'm talking about.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 08-22-14 7:15 AM
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Not now. But from the '90s.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 08-22-14 7:15 AM
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Oh, I'm not totally immune! I mean, Maryam Mirzakhani is stunning, for instance. But I'm not sure that quite counts as a crush and possibly not even a celebrity situation.


Posted by: Thorn | Link to this comment | 08-22-14 7:16 AM
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50: No. Leonard Cohen.


Posted by: nosflow | Link to this comment | 08-22-14 7:39 AM
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77

Nosflow is bob spelled backwards?


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 08-22-14 7:49 AM
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"This fish vagina is a pipe bomb"

"This photoshopped Terri Garr lesbian porn triptych is a pipe bomb."

I may have had insomnia.


Posted by: Robert Halford | Link to this comment | 08-22-14 7:51 AM
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Fish vaginas are chimerical.


Posted by: nosflow | Link to this comment | 08-22-14 7:53 AM
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80

I have seen the future, Stormcrow; it is a Yasujir┼Ź Ozu film.


Posted by: nosflow | Link to this comment | 08-22-14 7:53 AM
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81

Mr Cent, addressed to Mr Mayweather:


Floyd will you except my ALS/ESL CHALLENGE: I will donate $750k to a charity of your choice, If you can read a full page out of a Harry Potter book out loud without starting and stopping or fucking up. lmao


Posted by: lw | Link to this comment | 08-22-14 9:06 AM
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68: not true of harrison, I think; he's incredibly young, true, so he's just incandescently hot. you're like, daaaaamn, bring that sub-lawyer/spokesman for the presumptive evil dude back in here. but alas.


Posted by: alameida | Link to this comment | 08-23-14 7:31 PM
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83

It's weird to reflect, as someone who has a bunch of friends in the hospitality industry, but is not employed there oneself, that here it is, midnight on a Saturday, and I've just woken from a fitful sleep of several hours, while many of my close friends are at work, and will be working for at least another 2-3 hours. And I hope they're not getting totally slammed, but at the same time, I hope business is decent and they're not just twiddling their thumbs and not making any tips. People can lead very different lives, based on occupation, is what I'm trying to say.


Posted by: Natilo Paennim | Link to this comment | 08-23-14 10:12 PM
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84

You go to bed at nine on a Saturday?


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 08-24-14 6:12 AM
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85

Don't judge me.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 08-24-14 6:16 AM
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86

With small kids, it's different.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 08-24-14 6:25 AM
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The judgement is different?


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 08-24-14 6:33 AM
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88

Small kids should be in bed by nine.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 08-24-14 6:37 AM
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