Re: Record Lack of Satirical Indicators

1

I assume chickens can get down by themselves.

They can, but I am a bit amazed that it got up there in the first place, unless this is a very small tree.


Posted by: ajay | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 6:05 AM
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It's a decently big pecan tree - she must be twenty feet up? High enough that I couldn't get a good photo.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 6:06 AM
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You can tell the article is satire because it says you can freeze bread without hurting quality.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 6:06 AM
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The chicken crossed the road to avoid paparazzi.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 6:06 AM
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I don't usually stock-up on bread and milk before a snowstorm because I can walk to the grocery store from my house. I do stock up on meat and produce because the grocery store I can walk to is a shitty one with bad produce and the meat counter doesn't always smell that good.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 6:09 AM
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A chicken 20 feet up in a tree? Have you had a tornado recently? Student prank? Something else disguised as a chicken?


Posted by: ajay | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 6:16 AM
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Pecan trees, at least those I recall seeing, have branches starting fairly low to the ground. I don't think a chicken can get 20 feet up by flying, but they could go from branch to branch in little jumps.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 6:19 AM
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She seems to have gotten down and disappeared. But yeah, she was roof-height, and our house is up on stilts.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 6:19 AM
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7 is right. The branches start maybe four feet off the ground and are pretty dense.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 6:19 AM
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10

That aurora story I linked on FB better not be fake.

|| Earworm!

Well, uh, maybe it's just a change of climate

|>


Posted by: CharleyCarp | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 6:24 AM
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Chickens fly perfectly well over short distances -- farmers clip their wings to keep them on the ground. Buck raised chickens a boy, and also had a chicken-killing dog. After the first year, he learned not to clip their wings so they could go arboreal if Sam got loose. Apparently worked fine.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 6:24 AM
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+ as


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 6:25 AM
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Buck raised chickens as a boy

Not to fly up trees - that is the Law. Are we not Boys?


Posted by: ajay | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 6:28 AM
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I have seen with my own eyes a chicken fly (is it really flying if it's not sustained?) up about fifteen feet into a tree. Our neighbors keep chickens, and they seem to have far more loft than I had believed. I'm surprised they don't fly away - I'd always believed that it was possible to keep chickens in the city because they basically couldn't fly over the fence.


Posted by: Frowner | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 6:36 AM
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I think if you keep feeding them, they stay. Like cats, but less pointless.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 6:38 AM
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I have seen with my own eyes a chicken fly (is it really flying if it's not sustained?) up about fifteen feet into a tree.

Unless the chicken had grasshopper-like legs that gave it a fifteen-foot vertical leap, I'd say it qualifies as flying.

The real question is, would a chicken with grasshopper-like legs still taste like chicken?


Posted by: MAE | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 6:47 AM
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Grasshopper tastes like chicken.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 6:48 AM
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That was my impression of Buck's chickens. On the one hand, intermittent savage attacks by a slavering mastiff/St. Bernard mutt. On the other hand, regular servings of corn, and all the tomato-worms you could pick out of the garden. Might as well stick around.

And also, you can keep them earthbound by clipping the flight feathers.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 6:48 AM
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19

We had a chicken. She could take a pebble from your hand.


Posted by: CharleyCarp | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 6:51 AM
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Certain of the "heritage" breeds of chicken retain a strong genetic instinct to roost in trees and other high places. No joke. Umpteen generations of battery farming have selected against that tendency in the more common breeds.


Posted by: knecht ruprecht | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 6:59 AM
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I have seen with my own eyes a chicken fly (is it really flying if it's not sustained?) up about fifteen feet into a tree.

All these moments will be lost in time like tears in rain.


Posted by: ajay | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 7:02 AM
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She could take a pebble from your hand.

And then put said pebble and a succession of similarly-offered pebbles into a half-full bottle of water, thereby raising the water level so that she could drink it?


Posted by: MAE | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 7:02 AM
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On the OP, you have to read pretty far into the article, but this is pretty obviously not something an actual FDA spokesthey would say:

"Don't be a part of the Snowpocolypse, it's a dangerous battlefield of crazed-shopping, winter-bitten weather zombies."


Posted by: Tom Scudder | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 7:02 AM
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24

Also, here are some "three guys walk into a bar" jokes:
http://www.karlremarks.com/p/three-dictators-walk-into-bar.html

So three Jordanians walk into a bar. The king removes the Prime Minister & dissolves the parliament. That's how all stories finish in Jordan.


Posted by: Tom Scudder | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 7:04 AM
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23: Must have been the summer intern.


Posted by: knecht ruprecht | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 7:04 AM
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23: given the full paragraph, I think it sounds like how people talk:

"We are encouraging that you go out and purchase bulk amounts of dry, powdered milk which can be stored in your cupboards. This will prevent frantic trips to grocery stores and super markets as the onslaught of storms begin to fall upon your respected region." Miller said. "As far as bread, we suggest you buy as much as you can efficiently store in your freezer. Bread can be frozen and thawed without compromising the integrity of its quality. Preparations such as these are crucial and the fact that technology has brought us to a time and place in which such events can be predicted is quite remarkable. So stock up on your powdered milk and fill your freezer with loaves of bread, because once the blankets of snow begin to fall, brave souls will confront the elements to raid stores of these products like some sort of scavenger hunt. Don't be a part of the Snowpocolypse, it's a dangerous battlefield of crazed-shopping, winter-bitten weather zombies."

Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 7:06 AM
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27

"As God is my witness, I thought chickens could fly."


Posted by: politicalfootball | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 7:08 AM
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28

A high school girlfriend lived on a farm in eastern NC and on one visit, as Glob is my witness, I saw a chicken walk up the side of a tree. When I expressed amazement to M, she shrugged and said "Yeah, they're hybrids." I didn't follow up on it because she replied so matter-of-factly that I thought I must have said something stupid.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 7:14 AM
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29

"General Hood, when your Texans are here all the chickens have to roost high," attributed to Robert E. Lee.


Posted by: bill | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 7:15 AM
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30

The turkeys raised in Bresse are particularly rare in part because it is such a pain in the butt to get them out of the trees each night in order to coop them up. Or at least that was what a turkey farmer in Bresse told me.


Posted by: dairy queen | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 7:15 AM
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26 - it's not how people in news stories talk. A real news story would have cut the quote off after "efficiently store in your freezer." (And then probably cut back in for "snowpocalypse," because crazy.)


Posted by: Tom Scudder | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 7:15 AM
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32

28: Gas-electric chickens are amazing.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 7:15 AM
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33

Absent any actual satire, or really any humor value at all, fake news stories like that amount to nothing more than "Hey, look over there! . . . Ha! Made you look!"


Posted by: MAE | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 7:18 AM
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34

28: hybridised with geckoes.


Posted by: ajay | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 7:21 AM
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35

...you can expect to multiply that number by up to five, ten, maybe even twenty times in some areas. In the worst zones, you could see 50 times the amount of snow you've had in the past.

is just absurd, as is the idea that the NWS would ever say there was a 99% chance of anything.

I think the real problem is that the article fails to follow proper inverted pyramid style; the headline is fairly plausible, and it gets more jokey as it goes on.


Posted by: Micah | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 7:23 AM
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36

The joke in the OP is that there's a Washington Post writer telling people not to get too excited about the weather. Ha ha!


Posted by: Todd | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 7:25 AM
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37

28: hybridised with geckoes.

It's only stuck in a tree, not in space.


Posted by: Ginger Yellow | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 7:26 AM
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38

At a glance it was "Senior Administrator of Meteorologists" that stood out for me. But of course I was already conditioned by heebie's spoiler.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 7:27 AM
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31: It is how they write the news in local news and poorly written articles. Not how they talk in any big regional or national publication. It's just a marker of shitty reporting, not a marker of satire.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 7:28 AM
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40

I'm a bit eager for a snowy winter. I probably won't think the same in February, but I'm ready for the first snow. The local joke here is that when the forecast calls for snow, people clear the stores out of bread, milk, and toilet paper. People are afraid of being trapped and unable to poop neatly.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 7:28 AM
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41

33 gets it right.


Posted by: JRoth | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 7:31 AM
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42

Anyway, if there's so much snow that you can't leave the house to buy TP, you've probably got enough time to just hop in the shower (or full-body bidet) after you poop.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 7:35 AM
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43

37 The geckoes all died because they kept fucking that chicken.


Posted by: Barry Freed | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 7:44 AM
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44

I'm down for a snowy winter. Bring it.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 7:45 AM
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45

Breaking News- Your Shoe is Untied!


Posted by: SP | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 7:46 AM
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46

21 made me laugh.


Posted by: Eggplant | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 7:46 AM
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47

39 - I am pretty certain I read many more local news stories than you do, and no, they don't let people ramble on like that in their quotes. Sure, it could just be an unusually poorly written news story instead of a poorly written satire.


Posted by: Tom Scudder | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 7:47 AM
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I am pretty certain I read many more local news stories than you do,

What on earth, are you an aggregator or something? What makes you think you've cornered the market on shitty local news?


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 7:52 AM
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49

~50% of recent Snopes postings have been responding to Empire News, which makes me regret putting Snopes in my RSS reader.


Posted by: Klug | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 7:54 AM
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48 - I write the chicken dinner news for a nonprofit/membership organization & end up reading local stories to fill in details about random charitable foundations. I probably also look at a lot more elementary school websites than you do.


Posted by: Tom Scudder | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 8:28 AM
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51

But it's totally okay that you fell for that story.


Posted by: Tom Scudder | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 8:28 AM
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52

I write the chicken dinner news

BREAKING NEWS: RUSSIAN DRESSING EDGES TOWARDS CHICKEN KIEV.


Posted by: MAE | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 8:33 AM
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53

Heh.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 8:36 AM
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54

49. That's sad. I am on the emailing list of some right-wing crazies (don't ask), and most of its emails are just the n-millionth re-forwarding of stuff Snopes (and other urban legend sites) debunked years ago.

They've taken to forwarding but including the addition, "Don't trust Snopes!" (Apparently Snopes is funded by George Soros and the Mikkelsons are commies or even Democrats.) Epistemic closure FTW!

Empire News seems to be remarkably badly-written satire. I recall seeing a couple of their other articles taken for truth in the past.


Posted by: DaveLMA | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 8:46 AM
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I was talking to my mom on Sunday when she decided to Google what this winter would be like. She found this article and started telling me about it, and asked how one would pronounced "Scvediok". I said "huh, I've never heard of any name that resembles that, and can't even guess what nationality it is--I'll Google it". So I did, and all the hits were different versions of this article on different websites. But that still left open the possibility that they just kept misspelling the guy's name. So we Googled the other names in the article and those people didn't seem to exist, and we concluded it was fake, but were left confused about who would write a fake article like this. "Satire" didn't even occur to us because it wasn't funny.


Posted by: essear | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 9:09 AM
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56

54. Sigh


Posted by: Klug | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 9:25 AM
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57

||

"This place eats money. But what if Salmond imposes a mansion tax? We're done for," said Eleanor, the Duchess of Argyll, who lives with her elephant polo champion husband Torquhil at Inveraray Castle in west Scotland.

I can't help but wonder if the Guardian is gesturing, subtly, in the direction of their preferred outcome of the Scottish independence vote...


|>


Posted by: MHPH | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 11:08 AM
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Elephant polo?! I didn't know that was even a thing.

And what a douche. "No, the photo has to show my watch, my cufflinks, and my pinky ring!" (Although the photo would have a similar aesthetic effect even without the accessories.)


Posted by: Minivet | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 11:34 AM
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59

I didn't know they could marry either.


Posted by: Eggplant | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 11:36 AM
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60

But what will the Scottish Peer who controls a legal private army do if the Yes vote wins? (Surely they've been a plot point in a military thriller.)


Posted by: dalriata | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 11:57 AM
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61

||

Attempted thread-jack:

I was surprised to see that "All About That Bass" reached #1 on the charts this week.

I feel confused. The first time I saw a link to the video I thought, "that seems well-calibrated to be an internet hit" but I never thought that it would be dominating top-40 radio.

|>


Posted by: NickS | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 12:00 PM
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62

Is it about butts? I thought all hit songs are about butts these days.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 12:06 PM
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63

60: Am I wrong that a duke is properly addressed by the name of his duchy? So, for example, the Duke of Denver would be called "Denver"?

If I've got this straight, that's a terribly unfortunate title the poor man has.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 12:07 PM
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"Generally speaking, our Hot 100 formula targets a ratio of sales (35-45%), airplay (30-40%) and streaming (20-30%)."

http://www.billboard.com/articles/columns/ask-billboard/5740625/ask-billboard-how-does-the-hot-100-work

So, a song doesn't need to dominate top-40 radio to reach #1.


Posted by: peep | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 12:07 PM
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65

63 took me a second, then I laughed and laughed.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 12:08 PM
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66

61: Why not? It is catchy.
62: Contains the lines "Boys like a little more booty to hold at night" and "I'm bringing booty back." It is entirely about butts.


Posted by: ydnew | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 12:09 PM
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So, a song doesn't need to dominate top-40 radio to reach #1.

The linked article quotes somebody noting, "But if they listen to Top 40 radio, they will hear "All About That Bass," which will soon dethrone Taylor Swift's "Shake It Off" as the Hot 100's reigning champ. "

61: Why not? It is catchy.

Indeed, I feel out of touch.


Posted by: NickS | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 12:13 PM
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63: That might be a practice that exists, but the proper form of address would be "Your Grace" or "Duke," if Wikipedia's to be believed (IWTBB).


Posted by: Minivet | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 12:14 PM
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63: Heh. I think that's one such way of doing things, but everything's slightly different in Scotland.

But he's actually South African. And we all know how much South Africans love mercenaries so really why has this novel not been written yet? Scotland splits up the UK, a rogue South African warlord-Duke takes it over with his legal private army--and he's secretly replaced all the pipers with Afrikaaner mercenaries who are veterans of various post-colonial African wars. "Oh, don't mind me, just arming them for the Military Tattoo, as I am wont to do." He then takes control of the rUK's nuclear deterrent that the new Scottish government hasn't yet had time to remove from the Clyde. It just writes itself.


Posted by: dalriata | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 12:16 PM
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70

Of course in historicals they're always going "My dear Gloucester".


Posted by: Minivet | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 12:19 PM
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71

I think you may be missing the point.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 12:20 PM
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67: The boyfriend has been hearing it in heavy rotation on his drive to and from work. The first time, he came home and found the video because he (a) was curious what the vocalist looked like and (b) thought he'd hallicinated the Sexyback callback. (He doesn't actually like the song.)


Posted by: ydnew | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 12:21 PM
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73

66.2: No, no, also about fat-shaming! And my children predictably know many of the words already because they listen to pop radio at afterschool program. Nia asked to watch Baby Got Back again after I showed them the first 30 seconds or so and I said no, because I want them to end up with people who value them for reasons other than their butts and then we brainstormed ridiculous examples of what those could be.

I did watch the Bass video when it first started getting shared by everyone on youtube and didn't make it all the way through, so I hope it's not like Call Me Maybe where there's some shocking twist. Mostly I was trying to remember the name of the puppet singing group on Between the Lions (The Vowelles, it seems) who did the wig-and-lips look in a way that was less racially creepy than hers.


Posted by: Thorn | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 12:24 PM
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74

73.1 should have been "skinny-shaming," though "skinny bitches" sounds like "skinny ----es," which at least lets me imagine the aural equivalent of Victorian sanitizing.


Posted by: Thorn | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 12:26 PM
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75

There's one song where a guy sings that a particular booty don't need explaining. Which made me wonder how you categorize booties by degree of explicability and if it's categorical or continuous.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 12:30 PM
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75 is Jason Derulo's Talk Dirty, and that line follows something about how he doesn't speak the language but her booty doesn't need explainin', by which point I've already changed the channel if I'm anywhere close at all.


Posted by: Thorn | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 12:36 PM
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77

He's saying that he doesn't understand the speech of booty? He means farting, right?


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 12:39 PM
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78

63 is great.


Posted by: essear | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 12:59 PM
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79

65: See also.


Posted by: Nathan Williams | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 1:28 PM
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80

and thus does Athol live up to the nickname "Tool Town".


Posted by: dalriata | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 1:32 PM
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81

Which reminds me of the joke about how Governor Peabody of Massachusetts had three towns named after him: Peabody, Marblehead, and Athol.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 1:34 PM
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82

The song is super catchy, but the skinny-shaming part annoying.

ALSO PERSONAL GRIPE: no one ever has sympathy for us awkwardly shaped apple-shaped non-skinny people. Not being skinny does not necessarily mean you're a voluptuous hourglass.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 1:43 PM
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83

I write the chicken dinner news for a nonprofit/membership organization & end up reading local stories to fill in details about random charitable foundations. I probably also look at a lot more elementary school websites than you do.

Whatever. You couldn't rape a waffle.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 1:43 PM
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82: Solidarity, sister.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 1:45 PM
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85

Booties exist that do not need explication and that do need sympathy. Is this two dimensions or the opposite ends of a scale?


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 1:55 PM
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86

It doesn't seem you need encouragement, but while I can't speak for anybody else, I'm enjoying this, Moby.


Posted by: peep | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 2:03 PM
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63:Too bad his first name isn't Max.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 2:09 PM
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88

Moby, you should follow in the footsteps of Standpipe and start a booty-explaining blog.


Posted by: MAE | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 2:15 PM
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88: I got the impression he was working on a statistical analysis which he was hoping to publish in Nature.


Posted by: peep | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 2:20 PM
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90

I need a random sample of butts first.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 2:34 PM
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91

You can randomize them after they're enrolled, can't you?


Posted by: ydnew | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 2:35 PM
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92

I wasn't thinking of an elemental design.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 2:43 PM
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93

I thought peep said you were taking a bunch of impressions.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 2:45 PM
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94


Speaking of booties, I couldn't help re-imagining this as a NYT trend piece.


Posted by: knecht ruprecht | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 3:32 PM
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95

Oh man, what a great topic for a post. Shall we save it for Monday? Booty does taste best on a Monday, does it not?


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 3:42 PM
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94: Modern Love? Vows? Dining & Wine? So many possibilities.


Posted by: Jesus McQueen | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 4:10 PM
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97

...Maureen Dowd column...


Posted by: knecht ruprecht | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 4:19 PM
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98

Really, none of you know these classic Sesame Street song?


Posted by: Ile | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 4:27 PM
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99

That should be a this, not a these. However here is another Sesame Street classic from the same era. "I'm a baby (Rock Me)."


Posted by: Ile | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 4:30 PM
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100

I spent about 20 seconds trying to figure out how the Sesame Street writers had worked in a reference to analingus before I gave up.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 4:34 PM
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101

...Ross Douthat column...


Posted by: Jesus McQueen | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 4:37 PM
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102

Sorry, I should have said, OP. I am sure such a reference can be found, hidden deep in the muppet archives, however.


Posted by: Ile | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 4:38 PM
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103

Oh, *that*. I thought for a minute there was a Sesame Street song about analingus I didn't know about.


Posted by: knecht ruprecht | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 4:42 PM
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104

It's right there in the Sesame Street cookbook.. Grover tosses a salad, to Betty Lou's dismay. Or so she says.


Posted by: Robert Halford | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 4:42 PM
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105

Don't even ask what "Oscar's Sardine Specialties" are.


Posted by: Robert Halford | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 4:44 PM
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106

Thomas Friedman writes about how his recent analingus session with a Hong Kong taxi driver is a metaphor for America's changing economic relationship with the Pacific rim.


Posted by: MAE | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 4:57 PM
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107

105: To say nothing of "The Count's Twenty is Plenty Long".


Posted by: Jesus McQueen | Link to this comment | 09-12-14 5:00 PM
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