I had never met either the bride nor groom before.
So wedding crashing is an actual thing?
Nah, Jammies plays hockey with the groom.
Is that what they call it in Texas these days?
In one of the speeches, the groomsman mentioned sleeping on the schoolbus in 7th grade, listening to his ipod, which drove home how much younger they are than me.
And they keep their sticks on the ice.
Ooh. Excellent opportunity to ask questions.
I met with photographers yesterday -and I never go to weddings-whom I like and whom we're going to go with. They're a husband and wife team. They wanted to know what our "vision" was. I think that that's what sells.
So, there's this whole thing where someone takes a picture of the dress, and the bride getting her makeup put on. I'm just totally unaware of these traditions. I'm very traditional and conservative (but in a predates modern customs sort of way. I highly doubt that Barbara Cushing, later Babe Paley, had someone take a picture of her as she was getting into her dress.
What exactly is expected of people at these toasts. I was just kind of planning on having a party. Did anyone here do this "first dance" business?
We had a first dance. Peter Frampton's, "Oooh Baby I Love Your Way". I still think it's the perfect first dance song except a little too long.
Our morning wedding and brunch reception were separated by a long afternoon from our dance party, so we didn't have a "first dance." We did have a singalong after the brunch, in which all of our friends and family sang my favorite song, "This Land is Your Land."
My "year of weddings" was quite a while ago, but I recall that by the end my sole criterion for an excellent bridesmaid/groomsman speech was "keep it short".
See, ours of the past year were typically short and phoned-in. Generic, no specifics, etc. The thing I come down hardest on is "You can tell by looking at their face that..." whatever the speech-giver wishes to assert. "...they are truly in love." "...they are beautiful on the inside and out." "...they are smart and hardworking." Etc.
"Smart and hardworking" seems like an odd compliment to give in a wedding speech.
I would like to take this opportunity to kvetch in somewhat petty and selfish fashion. I've never been in anyone's wedding. My best friend is getting married in June. I was waiting for some word to come about my role in this, and she sent me an email asking to talk about wedding stuff, and in the email she said, "[Fiance] and I aren't doing the traditional best man/maid of honor thing, and of course you would be in that role." We wound up having a google chat and most of what we talked about is a potential bachelorette party in NYC before her wedding in June, which I said I'd organize.
Ok, kvetching: this was my only chance to be someone's maid of honor! I am that person for her and I don't get to do it. I didn't even ask her, which maybe I should, what she envisions happening during the ceremony. But she wallows so much in ambivalence about the social significance of engagements and weddings, the content of which I actually don't understand, and it can frustrate other people's desire (like mine!) for some social performance of their connection. I know she doesn't have to do anything she doesn't want to, and some people just elope or get married at city hall. But the point of doing all this shit, in a way, is to let other people have a community ritual and to feel sanctified in a role. She's letting her parents have the pleasure of booking the venue, etc., and doing a bunch of family of the bride stuff. I kind of wish she would have considered that it would have been meaningful to me to get to enact my role in her life in that way.
I guess I just don't think a wedding is about the couple. It's about the-couple-in-the-world and they should let the world have some of the stuff it wants.
7: I had tremendous anxiety about "traditions" when I got married three years ago, until I realized that it was mostly because so many of them involve performing femininity in a way that felt very out of character for me. The way I finally came to a place of peace about the whole thing was to think of it as a party--just a slightly fancier one than I would normally throw. So first dances? Nope, wouldn't do that at a regular party. Toasts? Sure, toasts are a real life thing. And besides, that was someone else's job. Throwing a bouquet? Kissing when people tap on glasses? The whole garter business? Nope, nope, nope. Food, alcohol, space to visit with family and friends, games to keep kids occupied: that's pretty much where we left it. And our photographer was my sister, who is an excellent amateur and mostly excellent at taking photos without anyone noticing that that's what she's doing. So I do have photos of me getting ready, but my subjective experience was just that my sister was there with the rest of my family, in my apartment. I do love the pictures of my mom doing my hair, but I would have hated it if I'd known that was a photo op.
iPod in middle school is unfamiliar, sure, but subtract 10 or 20 years and you can substitute Discman or Walkman, so it's at least emotionally familiar.
I was thinking about 13 too - how kids of my close friends will be getting married someday, and how I'd like to be there because I watched them grow up, even though the kid won't think of me as someone they're close with. I kind of see the point of letting the parents invite some people that aren't necessarily people the bride and groom feel close to, in a way I didn't use to.
16: Oh, sure. The story was easy to relate to. Just the technology made me smile.
I agree with Roadrunner - just check in with yourself and ask, "Is this something I'd enjoy?" If so, go for it.
14: I thought it might be some sort of tradition I was unaware of. "Looking into the faces of these two young people, you can clearly see that they will be productive citizens and contribute to the tax base."
There's a range in quality, but the only wedding toasts I really remember are the ones given by very drunk guests who shouldn't be toasting in the first place. One I'll always remember started out with a bunch of random words in a falsetto voice, then degenerated into bird-like squawks, and ended with a really incoherent "I love you man" followed by more squawks. It turned out that the friend was trying but failing to make Simpsons references, and then reference a shared inside joke about bird calls.
I find the first dance especially creepy, assuming it's normal, as in the one time I was witness to it, for everyone to stare at the dancing couple in silence (apart from music).
At our New England wedding, my drunken best man got up and insulted the Red Sox. That was a good speech.
IMX, an especially perilous scenario is when the event is largely being put on for the benefit of one set of parents who have particular expectations for a wedding, not necessarily shared by the couple.
8: Planning on live music, probably a swing band.
In the spirit of the OP, one of the more heartwarming ceremonies I've seen was where the officiant had asked the couple to each write down how they met. He read excerpts describing the same event from different perspectives, including each of them thereafter googling the other.
In line with 21, the only toast I really remember was given by some Christian fundamentalist uncle who felt he had to give a warning about the hellfires that awaited the Hindu groom.
The whole garter business? Nope, nope, nope.
God, No. But when did that come around? I'm certainly offended by the performing femininity aspect, but it also just seems tacky.
I can't really imagine my very conservative grandmother doing something like that. When did the tradition start?
I guess I just don't think a wedding is about the couple. It's about the-couple-in-the-world and they should let the world have some of the stuff it wants.
I kind of agree, but I also think that if the world has strong feelings, it should pony up some money to pay for it.
Tia, please don't take this personally; I'm just a little grumpy about the cost and all the stuff you're supposed to do right now.
I can't really imagine my very conservative grandmother doing something like that.
I can't imagine my grandmother doing that either. But though my paternal grandparents had the kind of private wedding that was the norm in their day (the two of them, two witnesses, minister, at the minster's house), people did give them a shivaree that night. Different kinds of acknowledgment of the about-to-get-it-on aspect of the wedding.
Re: toasts: Our family has what I thought was a nice tradition of siblings of the bride or groom putting together a short (like 5-10 min) slide show and narration for rehearsal dinners. I've seen the same thing at wedding receptions from maids of honor and whatnot, but the idea is a cute "This is your life!" to introduce the bride or groom's past to the other side of the attendees. I put one together of my sister's childhood to present for her rehearsal dinner, which it turned out she found terribly embarrassing (I ran it past her other bridesmaids! I swear, it was just cute!). She ended up yelling at me over it just before the ceremony, and now we basically don't speak, not that we were particularly close before.
So, maybe just someone raising a glass and saying "To the happy couple" is best.
Mara has asked me probably a dozen times in the last 24 hours why Lee and I haven't gotten married and "Because we're basically only together for you kids at this point" is not an answer I want to give. Stories like 21 and 27 make my resolve waver, but only a little.
Friends got married two weekends ago, and it was adorable. They went down to the county clerk with family on Friday, then had a nice reception on Saturday afternoon, followed by a big social gathering (with potluck cookies) that evening.
Two speeches, mostly forgettable. The bride and groom closed the formal reception with trivia about their relationship (how they met, etc.), with each table of guests submitting a response. It was a nice way to get the same "who are these people" out without taxing the speech-givers.
Still looking. Will go with students or friends of musician friends.
Would skip the dancing rather than have dj-ed. Just not my style.
31: Yeah, we're skipping the rehearsal dinner.
Any thoughts on inexpensive floral options or other nice table settings? Somebody told me that you can buy bags of flower petals and scatter them.
it should pony up some money to pay for it.
I'm not taking it personally, but in my particular case, I am offering money and space in my building for the one thing she asked me for, and the thing I want is totally free.
37: I did the low-standards, quick and dirty version of a fairly traditional looking wedding, and did flowers by going to the corner florist and asking what they could do for me for cheap. If the flowers aren't breathtaking, they're sort of there or they aren't -- it's something bright on the tables, but the specifics are unimportant. But this assumes that you can match my low standards and indifference to detail, which most people can't.
15,28: The nonsense with the garter strikes me as grotesque. Also the smashing cake into each others faces. I guess I see a wedding as fundamentally a very serious and formal occasion. It's not about a bunch of sexual innuendos, it's about a lifelong commitment and asking the community to support that commitment. Obviously there's some revelry to be had, but there's no need to make it tawdry.
38: No, yeah. That makes total sense.
My aunt thought it would be lovely and romantic if we had rose petal strewn about our bed, so she went out to the garden and gathered some, and strew them. Unfortunately, she neglected to ensure that they were free of common garden bugs, so we ended up with a marriage bed strewn with earwigs. Less romantic, but still a nice thought.
40: Smashing a cake: puke.
This new "Trash the Dress" thing also offends me.
I did the flowers myself from a family member's yard: hydrangeas on the table and for my sister to carry, astilbe for me to carry. Cost: florist's tape, a box of pins, some $1 pots from Ikea. But requires access to a hydrangea bush.
40: The photographer told me that her parents used to own a flower shop and that you can get stuff wholesale. The Boston flower market won't sell to retail customers. She mentioned the internet. I had never heard of buying flowers over the internet.
Anyone w/ Boston specific recommendations?
people did give them a shivaree that night
So a) I'd only ever heard of this as a "charivari" and b) I had no idea what it actually was. Wedding/marriage customs are weird.
Check if you can still get flowers online from Costco? I'm not sure if they do that any more, but they used to have them. Hypericum is very cheap, and goes well with lots of other showier flowers that you could buy fewer of.
I had no idea what it actually was.
Not up on your Rogers and Hammerstein musicals, eh? (They have one at the end of Oklahoma!)
So basically old wedding traditions titter over the association of marriage with sex, and now that that restriction is not so salient, the new traditions titter over all the money being poured away?
The most romantic of brain-eating parasites.
I once wandered into a wholesale florist out of curiosity, and they said they'd happily sell flowers to me but I had to keep my voice down so I didn't annoy their commercial customers. Had a similar experience at the wholesale food markets. Might be worth a try?
52: I could try, but their website
Oh yes, cake smashing was also on the list of nope. So much so that we actually had wedding pie instead.
But really, once I started thinking of it as a party, it actually got to be fun, and for someone who had been avoiding getting married for years because I didn't want to plan a wedding, the planning wasn't as bad as I thought it would be and I have really nice memories of the reception.
I felt obligated to have a big reception because weddings are family reunions for one side of my family (and it turned out that my wedding was the last time my grandmother saw all five of her kids in the same place before she passed away, so I'm glad I stepped up and took my turn). But once it was just a party that I was hosting, it was fun to get lunch catered at a local picnic area and spend the afternoon playing bocce ball and talking with friends.
17: I was thinking about 13 too - how kids of my close friends will be getting married someday, and how I'd like to be there because I watched them grow up, even though the kid won't think of me as someone they're close with. I kind of see the point of letting the parents invite some people that aren't necessarily people the bride and groom feel close to, in a way I didn't use to.
I loved that some of my parents' friends who had known me my whole life came. And some of my friends' parents, whose houses I'd spent almost as much time at in high school as my own, but who I barely see anymore. We don't socialize intergenerationally very much anymore as a culture, but weddings are the big exception.
Bostoniangirl, do you go to any farmers markets that have flower stands? If so, I'd go to them and say you want to buy enough of whatever's in season on your date to fill up X vases/mason jars/whatever. Easy, cheap, and virtuous - you just have to actually not care what the specific flowers are. I've done this (not in Boston) and the results were great, albeit definitely on the rustic/wildflower rather than formal/roses side of things. Trying to make actual 'arrangements' by hand is a pain in the butt, so it works best if you are willing to just stick pretty flowers in a vase and call it a day.
Some friends of my mother were at a family/friends occasion this weekend. They went on and on about how much they enjoyed dancing at my wedding, 20 years ago. Was it wrong of me to point out out that my wedding wasn't 20 years ago, didn't have any dancing, and they weren't there? [They were remembering my sister's wedding]
1. At my older sister's wedding, the best man made a reference in his speech to The Little Prince, namely the line, "You are responsible forever for what you have tamed." This was clearly addressed toward his pal, the groom. CLANG.
2. You all must absolutely see Wild Tales if you haven't, because the last vignette is a wedding story of indescribable over-the-top awesomeness.
56: The farmers markets are all very chi chi and expensive. I've not seen flowers at my local one. One of my godmothers knows how to do stuff nicely for cheap (sometimes), and I will ask her. She does a lot of gardening, but it's all on Har/vard property, and I don't think they'd like it if I took their flowers.
59: I think he was one of their law school friends from the University of Chicago, so.
I inflicted some of the Flip-Pater's wedding-officiant wisdom upon the fiancé of one of TWYRCL's friends the other evening: to wit, if you are writing your own vows, start early to leave plenty of time for revision, keep it short and compose with a forward-looking perspective rather than lazily reverting to "how we met" anecdotes.
Then I barked my gouty leg on an ottoman, cursed Benjamin Disraeli, threw the Times at a club attendant for being unironed and collapsed into a wingback chair crying for whisky and soda.
I'd have thought you were pro-Disraeli.
I love the idea of a big party with lots of people from various parts of your life. Friends of your parents, cousins, cousins twice removed, college friends, anyone and everyone. But, the moment you start talking about rules or making it too fancy, then I get hives.
Better half still hasn't come to grips with the need to sign up for the father of the bride dance lessons, and I suspect harbors a dream of dancing with stepdaughter to what he calls his "theme song" - Wine, Women* & Song. Also we are carrying out structural engineering tests for a semifredfo-esque cake as that's the only way I can think of to make them a cake and not go insane the day of. Make and refrigerate the day before, deliver to caterer the morning of and depute someone to pile non-poisonous flowers on it for looks.
*I bet the original means something much closer to chicks or floozies than women.
61: Yeah. Not writing my own vows. May insert a couple of phrases from earlier versions of the Prayer Book.
64: I get hives just from "big party with lots of people from various parts of your life". Maybe that's why I've gotten married twice, but never had a wedding. But if either spouse had insisted I imagine I would have given in.
The nonsense with the garter strikes me as grotesque. Also the smashing cake into each others faces.
Absolutely. We did the "first dance" "dad/bride" "mom/groom" dance things, but not that stuff. I would believe it if you said the garter thing was invented less than 15 years ago to prop up the ailing garter industry. It seems like that much of a contrived manufactured piece of nonsense.
Throwing the bouquet though, that's fine. It only takes a minute.
I remember the garter thing from a wedding over 25 years ago. It's not particularly recent.
In Marriage Customs of the World, George Monger explains how "bridal garters were prized as love tokens with magical properties," and because of this, male wedding guests would try to pull them off and then pin to their hats for good luck. for good luck! In Wedding Customs Then and Now, published in 1919, Carl Holliday advises women to "fasten it loosely to the bottom of her dress [or] find her clothes in rags after the struggle." Somehow, having your husband take it off doesn't seem so bad anymore!
Ah!
Well, now that nobody wears garters in real life anymore except during burlesque shows, I don't think we have to prop up the industry anymore, no matter how many kickbacks they give David's Bridal to keep the facade alive.
70: I remember it from weddings back when I was ten or something. That would be 35 years ago. My family has a classy side and a not as classy side.
I also remember it from family weddings when I was a kid. My family has a not-classy side and a differently-not-classy side.
73: But is it classy to say "classy" in a non-ironic way?
It seemed cruel to say we only have one side with nice legs.
My wedding was a DIY affair, which in retrospect was far too stressful and time consuming for me. I really wish we had eloped.
A few "bride getting dressed" pictures can be classy. I have one of my bridesmaids lacing up the back of my dress, and one of my husband putting the garter on my leg. (I didn't throw the garter or my bouquet, but I bought a personally meaningful custom garter online as my "something blue, and my sister wore it in her wedding as well.) My husband has a picture of his sister (one of two groomsmaids) helping with his bow tie.
We only paid for floral bouquets and boutenaire, from a florist who worked from home. We used bows to decorate the church, and tissue paper flowers to decorate our apartment complex's party room.
Trashing the dress dress struck me as dumb and wasteful--I donated mine to charity (& had bought it fair cheap on eBay to begin with).
I highly recommend elopements! Awesome all around!
My family has a classy side and a not as classy side.
Word. The family wedding I was thinking of with the garter also had a dollar dance.
Speaking of family and cruelty, the number of people who call the elderly with obvious scams is very disheartening. I'm really annoyed when they call me while trying to sound like they are my credit card company, but calling people with memory disorders and saying that you are returning their call strikes me as being nearly as evil as mugging.
My oldest brother's wedding was a hippie thing in a field in Guerneville. I guess this was 30+ years ago? There were children in non-ironic Holly Hobbie outfits and dogs in the wedding party. Commander Cody/Bill Kirchen played.
My brother's wedding in '65, and my sister's in '72 had it. I'm not sure I've seen it since but I may not have been paying attention.
I've been to one wedding ever that had the garter thing. 25 years ago. I'd never heard of it.
Nobody but the vendors cares about any of the traditions. People should do what they think will be fun for themselves and their guests, and nothing more or less. And in keeping with the couple; I imagine BG using the vows straight from the 1928 BOCP.
I inflicted some of the Flip-Pater's wedding-officiant wisdom upon the fiancé of one of TWYRCL's friends the other evening: to wit, if you are writing your own vows, start early to leave plenty of time for revision, keep it short and compose with a forward-looking perspective rather than lazily reverting to "how we met" anecdotes.
I skimmed over the "one of ... friends" part and thought that there was BIG NEWS AFOOT.
We're all pulling for you, Flip.
81 -- Did Kirchen do that famous guitar licks thing on Hot Rod Lincoln? Corny but fun.
83 contains much wisdom. Read, mark, learn and inwardly digest.
Tim's brother's wedding had the garter belt thing. His wife is Polish, moved to Alberta briefly and then grew up in Ottawa.
It seemed like it was more midwestern and not common among "coastal elites." Nobody else seemed surprised. I was uncomfortable.
83: There's some older Church of England stuff that I wanted to put in. Awesome priest said she'd be okay with that. She was not okay with "obey" but, obviously I don't want that either.
Think of it not as a traditional wedding, but as a joyous celebration of the destruction of your enemies with your comrades and bondwomen, and you'll have a good time without wedding industry pressure or a need to "conform."
I used to quite like Altman's A Wedding (thought it a relatively unsung gem). Have not seen it in years, however.
Hey idp, check out the Christiane Karg and Gerold Huber concert from the Wigmore Hall a week ago, you can listen to it via BBC radio 3, it is particularly lovely. Gorgeous voice, nice arc to the program, her musicality is wonderful and Huber is one of the best. I'm saving up today's Pandolfo concert in theory for the weekend but may not have the self control to hold out that long.
Nobody but the vendors cares about any of the traditions.
My ex-wife and ex-mother-in-law nearly stopped speaking to one another over the fact that we did not have the common sense and basic decency to arrange for at least one polka at our reception. Every polka-free reception I have been to since, I think back sort of fondly on my crazy ex-MIL screaming at us, "people expect a polka at a wedding!"
I enjoyed having Mariachis at one of my weddings. Unfortunately you kind of can't repeat traditions but that's one I would have liked to repeat. Mariachis are awesome, and it would have been even better if there had been some aging grandpa to belt out canciones (to be clear, there wasn't, this was whitey mcwhitey wedding, but still it's a nice fantasy).
94: In 1928, there was also a proposed Prayer Book in England which Parliament chose not to ratify. That one doesn't have it, but the English Book of 1662 most definitely has it
I can't approve of the Restoration, sorry.
But I do really want to find a way to incorporate the phrase, "With my body I thee worship."
If you're doing a communion, gotta go full Rite 1, though I guess not if you haven't offered the traditional Episcopalian reward of the open bar at the end.
As discussed above, the modern "tradition" seems to be showing rather than telling.
98: My ex and I had that. And "plight thee my troth".
Ex and I were serenaded by a mariachi band as we left our reception. To this day I'm not sure whether a friend arranged it, or if it was spontaneous (this was in a part of Austin where mariachi bands would sometimes busk, so not all that unlikely).
On speechifying, a couple years ago my gf officiated at her brother's wedding, which entailed a longish speech as part of the ceremony, and ugh. Lots of "you can tell by looking at their faces"/"truly in love"-type crap, which is bad enough when sincere, but it was extra painful for me because I knew that my gf in fact disliked her incipient sister-in-law and the speech was full-on bullshit. Everyone else seemed to really love it--she's an actor so faking sincerity wasn't a problem, and I guess I can see why people would find it heartwarming for big sister to officiate at little brother's wedding--but god was I squirming through the whole ridiculous charade.
Luckily the kid will not be playing his accordion during the ceremony (I think I'd croak from stress at that point) but he'll likely haul it out for that awkward post-ceremony pre-reception time and jam with other musician guests, I'll suggest a polka or two be in the playlist that would be fun!
12, 14, 20 - when my cousin got married, his wife made a speech in which she thanked her parents for many things, including her "strong work ethic". Canadians.
The Dwarf Lord and I used a modernized CofE version that they'd kindly posted online - yes worship & endow, no God or obey, and most vitally *good scansion*.
And we had a polka, and the Tennessee Waltz with family, and our very own revived centenarian march! Because the trio includes a musicologist.
90: CA is in this movie. Boy chorister in the opening wedding scene.
clew-- can you link to that version?
... Nou I can't find it. I will email the version that has our names in it, tho.
Canadians.
You were probably in Milton or Burlington, or some similar godawful place like that in small-town Ontario? Some place where they still have an annual parade on the 12th of July, only nobody knows about the Battle of the Boyne anymore, it's just a free car wash on the 12th, and "Heritage." Yeah, Canadians.
I just bought a pin commemorating the last person to invade Canada in force.
111: You damn Fenian. The O'Neills were always troublemakers.
(Who the hell sells a pin commemorating an invasion of Canada, btw?)
It commemorates the invader, not the invasion.
But, to answer your question, the people who put on the parade do it to raise money for the parade.
110 - ha, my cousin's from Milton, his wife's family from further out into the country. My aunt's friends tend to moan about immigrants. They're all fucking immigrants!
By which, of course I mean that they're all themselves immigrants, not that they're all having sexual relations with immigrants.
To be fair, they might be doing that too.
The O'Neills were always troublemakers.
Damn right. Look what they did to me!
In the mid-90s, one went through the window of a bar, but that wasn't his fault except in so much as he was to blame for the company he kept.
Wikipedia says the garter thing goes back to the middle ages. It also says the groomsmen used to "rush at the new bride to take her garters as a prize". Exciting!
A more useful suggestion, also from the wikipedia article, is to put a hip flask in your garter belt like they did during Prohibition.
Technology has progressed. You can now store drinks in a set of fake breasts. Maybe not at a wedding since you don't want deflation while wearing a fitted dress.
99: Ripper, I'd be happy to offer an open bar if you want to underwrite it in absentia.
Because I do love Rite 1 despite its flaws. It was the language of my childhood and infused with mystical meaning. (Did I mention that we were pretty Anglo-Catholic?)
Let's all post how much the bar tabs from our weddings were.
I guess I'm an outlier--roughly 2/3 of the weddings I've attended have had garter and bouquet tosses. Thankfully, only one (my cousin from Milwaukee) had a dollar dance.
Ditto what others have said about having the wedding fit the couple. Also: be flexible, and remember what's really important to you if you have to choose.
My parents had a fancy church wedding planned, which went out the window when her mom broke her leg and wound up in traction in the hospital a month before the wedding. They moved the wedding to the hospital sun room so her mom could attend, and had to cut the participants back to the few who could fit there: her mom and dad, his mom (dad couldn't attend due to health reasons), his best man, her sister (maid of honor), and the minister. They had a reception for their friends at a hotel afterwards. The two of them celebrated their 60th anniversary this last December.