Re: Variant

1

You don't need to worry about your kids' future. Obamacare won't really make all the doctors poor.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 06-21-15 7:20 AM
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2

I like watching the Alvin and the Chipmunks movie. Seeing David Cross reminds me that lots of other people didn't achieve what might have been expected based in early promise.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 06-21-15 7:30 AM
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3

I spent the morning watching The Croods, which imparted to me the lesson that Nic Cage is 50% less annoying when he's in cartoon form.


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 06-21-15 8:18 AM
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4

The Croods is a surprisingly fun movie.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 06-21-15 8:53 AM
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5

It important that kids be able to master the use of electronic devices at a young age, so, when they get a little older, they can make fun of their other friends - those from more luddite households - for being noobs.


Posted by: Spike | Link to this comment | 06-21-15 9:16 AM
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6

whenever I hear "...and I turned out ok" I want to say something like "No you didn't. You're needy and manipulative."


Posted by: rob helpy-chalk | Link to this comment | 06-21-15 10:19 AM
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7

I'm going to steal that.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 06-21-15 10:28 AM
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8

The kid's techno teacher wrote the most hilarious note on his report card, speaking of needy & manipulative (although ineffectually manipulative!). Also, still the lowest grade in PE, so it turns out gymnastics truly was not graded although they spent just as much time on it as rugby and that indoor football thing where you use the walls. Two classes I would ditch in a heartbeat!


Posted by: dairy queen | Link to this comment | 06-21-15 10:53 AM
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|| I realize this is early for a threadjack, but I have an ATM-appropriate situation that's way too frivolous to put into the other running threads. A coworker is having a bachelorette party. I've already said I'm going without reading the fine print. The invitation specifies that the bride-to be requests lingerie (size specified) and "adult gifts." This is WAY more awkward than whether to buy yoga pants for a secretary, partially because it would reveal something about MY preferences as well as what I'd guess of hers (of which I know nothing, thank goodness). There's got to be something out there that meets this obligation. Gift cards are listed as acceptable items, so maybe that's an out, but a slightly humorless one. Help! |>


Posted by: ydnew | Link to this comment | 06-21-15 11:12 AM
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10

9: You can never really go wrong with a giant, veiny, neon pink dildo.


Posted by: Mister Smearcase | Link to this comment | 06-21-15 11:19 AM
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11

Plus, what with global warming, it's not like we'll be here in 100 years anyway. Let the poor kids have fun while they can.


Posted by: delagar | Link to this comment | 06-21-15 11:19 AM
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12

I was also going to suggest a giant dildo.


Posted by: Spike | Link to this comment | 06-21-15 11:22 AM
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13

Maybe a gift certificate for an escort service.


Posted by: Mister Smearcase | Link to this comment | 06-21-15 11:26 AM
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14

Then again, who wouldn't appreciate a starter kit for teledildonics?


Posted by: Spike | Link to this comment | 06-21-15 11:27 AM
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15

Or just a pack of batteries, with a note saying you assume she's already tooled up.


Posted by: chris y | Link to this comment | 06-21-15 11:28 AM
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16

The kid's techno teacher

We never got classes in electronic dance music when I was in school. Must be a California thing.


Posted by: Todd | Link to this comment | 06-21-15 11:35 AM
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17

Fucksaw variety pack from Costco.


Posted by: Todd | Link to this comment | 06-21-15 11:36 AM
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18

lingerie (size specified)

Huh. I was going to say: go tasteful, like a charcoal gray silk or satin slip (the full-body kind, not just a skirt but a full slip), which avoids the sizing problem, but with size specified, uh, what size(s) are provided? Bra size, panty size? I'd cop out of that -- let others take a gamble there -- and really just go the safe and tasteful route.

Like this or this

That website chosen only because it had the most pictures!


Posted by: parsimon | Link to this comment | 06-21-15 11:43 AM
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19

And I really hope I'm not going to be looking at sidebar web ads for that site for the next 6 months.


Posted by: parsimon | Link to this comment | 06-21-15 11:45 AM
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20

Ydnew you work in a lab, right? Get her a carboy of lube.


Posted by: Todd | Link to this comment | 06-21-15 11:45 AM
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21

10: I guess neon pink would take any suggestion of realism or seriousness out of the exercise!

15 is pretty good.

18: 34DD was the specified size. That level of specificity threw me a little.


Posted by: ydnew | Link to this comment | 06-21-15 11:47 AM
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20: Believe it or not, the preferred brand in our lab is made by a company called Analytical Technologies, so all the tubes say ANALTECH.


Posted by: ydnew | Link to this comment | 06-21-15 11:48 AM
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23

22 Well I think you've answered your own question then.


Posted by: Barry Freed | Link to this comment | 06-21-15 11:58 AM
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24

Oh my god how could I have forgotten fucksaws?


Posted by: Mister Smearcase | Link to this comment | 06-21-15 12:25 PM
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25

24 New mouse over.


Posted by: Barry Freed | Link to this comment | 06-21-15 12:32 PM
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26

I say just own the "way too revealing" thing and "reveal" something awful and disturbing which will excuse you from any future versions of this problem.

"Umm... thank you ydnew! I'll just put this...uh..box of chicks, Enya CD, and ..knife? over here next to the other... sex toys?"


Posted by: MHPH | Link to this comment | 06-21-15 12:35 PM
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27

OK. I'm going to guess that someone who invites coworkers who do not know her very well, and specifies that lingerie and adult toys are requested, isn't looking for anything very sober. (Gawd, I'd be so out of my depth in that situation. Is this coworker rather young? What are the kids playing with these days?)

Or maybe the coworker is making this a coy/covert occasion for soliciting suggestions for things she'd otherwise not be aware of. In which case, fucksaw.


Posted by: parsimon | Link to this comment | 06-21-15 12:36 PM
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28

34DD was the specified size. That level of specificity threw me a little.

"The band size is greater than the number on a bottle of Rolling Rock and the cup size is a consonant."


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 06-21-15 12:57 PM
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29

The whole thing is tacky, but I think the least awkward gift is something in the specified category that is clearly a joke. To reveal something about the tackiness of my friends, I had an informal night-out-with-girlfriends before my wedding, that wasn't really a bachlorette party and no one was supposed to bring presents, but one friend gave me a pack of edible underwear, and another a truly bizarre vinyl fetishy French maid outfit. Stupid, but not the sort of awkward you're worried about.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 06-21-15 1:05 PM
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29: Yeah, but if the gift request is serious, you don't want to suggest that you find it moronic. Myself, I'd still go with the tasteful/safe suggestion (upthread) and risk being the downer in the group.

Hey, maybe later, the bachelorette approaches ydnew and says, "You know, that satin teddy is really appreciated. Thanks. Hubby loves it."

Or not.


Posted by: parsimon | Link to this comment | 06-21-15 1:13 PM
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31

Buy her a nursing bra. When she asks why, say "I misunderstood the assignment."


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 06-21-15 1:24 PM
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32

Further to 31, "adult gift" might suggest a small life insurance policy.


Posted by: Mister Smearcase | Link to this comment | 06-21-15 1:58 PM
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33

It's kind of weird to invite co-workers to this kind of bachelorette party, isn't it?


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 06-21-15 2:00 PM
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34

Anyway, this is the best threadjack ever.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 06-21-15 2:00 PM
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35

My life insurance policy came up for renewal with such a massive increase in the premium that I canceled it and now I want to buy more insurance just to prove there is a major corporation that believes I have less than 1 out of 1,000 odds of dying in a year.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 06-21-15 2:03 PM
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36

You can't go wrong with a pigeon mask.


Posted by: Eggplant | Link to this comment | 06-21-15 2:03 PM
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37

35: Did you recently take up some insanely dangerous hobby or something?


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 06-21-15 2:04 PM
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38

37: hiking


Posted by: clew | Link to this comment | 06-21-15 2:05 PM
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39

But they don't know that. I think they must figure if I don't have small child at home, I must known I'm not healthy if I renew it.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 06-21-15 2:06 PM
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40

I was just thinking that.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 06-21-15 2:06 PM
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41

But you do have a small child at home, don't you?


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 06-21-15 2:07 PM
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42

But not one so small that he requires someone to stay home with him or expensive day care. Except in the summer. (And my work insurance will cover that.)


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 06-21-15 2:09 PM
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43

21: When you're that size, you have to specify by cup size, because most stuff won't fit otherwise. Still weird to do to a coworker. Get a gift card and tuck it in a jokier gift.


Posted by: Cala | Link to this comment | 06-21-15 2:16 PM
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44

34DD was the specified size. That level of specificity threw me a little.

I don't really understand all-female rituals, but this strikes me as showing off.


Posted by: rob helpy-chalk | Link to this comment | 06-21-15 2:21 PM
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45

35: Moby lives to get radical.


Posted by: Flippanter | Link to this comment | 06-21-15 2:31 PM
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46

Did you all do bridal showers? I didn't and find them bizarre. Baby showers make more sense to me, because you need stuff.


Posted by: Bostoniangirl | Link to this comment | 06-21-15 2:56 PM
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47

The bride is in her early 30s, and the hostess is, too. Not so much a "kids these days" problem.

29: I was hoping it would be goofy (but still cringeworthy given that it's coworkers) fun, but the wording seemed (to me) to indicate that "nice" gifts were what was wanted. Especially given the size info. For gag gifts, who cares if it fits? I'll clarify with the hostess, which should save me from embarrassment. If it's jokey, I will totally go with the neon pink veiny dildo!

33: Yes! But the environment is more like grad school than a "real job." Moderately long hours, people move here for the position, everyone's about the same age and life stage. I normally don't get invited to stuff like this (mercifully), but I'm actually closer to this coworker than most. Just not close enough to buy her sex toys and lingerie as other than a gag!

43: For things that are sized small/medium/large? That makes sense. I was thinking that the sizing implied the bride might be expecting actual bras or more structurally rigid lingerie.


Posted by: ydnew | Link to this comment | 06-21-15 3:17 PM
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48

I love 26 so much. It would definitely solve the problem of repeat invitations.


Posted by: ydnew | Link to this comment | 06-21-15 3:20 PM
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49

What about chaps for her intended?


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 06-21-15 3:33 PM
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50

Follow the suggestion in 26 and then, if asked about it, just answer: "I turned out ok."


Posted by: fake accent | Link to this comment | 06-21-15 3:38 PM
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46 - I had one, which was okay because it wasn't themed and jokey and was actual friends and family and thrown by superb hosts (big family, outgoing people, and professional restauranteurs). The princess role was still slightly nutty-making.


Posted by: clew | Link to this comment | 06-21-15 3:42 PM
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52

That was a little chilly. It was objectively a wonderful party. I was okay, but only short of delighted because I am slightly wiggy.


Posted by: clew | Link to this comment | 06-21-15 3:44 PM
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53

My grandfather donated some land to build a library in the town where he grew up in Maryland (it was among the last parcels from the original colonial family land grant). They named the library after my great great grandfather, a former mayor of the town and also a confederate officer. They recently decided to remove his name from the library, in part because they built a new building and in part because, you know, confederate officer and the town is majority African-American. There was an unsuccessful campaign to keep my ancestor's name on the new building and my aunt briefly mooted the idea of the family weighing in favorably. I don't think anybody did, in the end, but if they had I was tempted to write a letter on the other side, strongly encouraging the town to ditch the name.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 06-21-15 5:19 PM
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54

Way to post in the wrong thread, dipshit.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 06-21-15 5:19 PM
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55

When I have to buy a gift for somebody I don't know well, I ask them if they prefer Rommel or Guderian. You have to have something to go on, personality-wise.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 06-21-15 5:19 PM
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56

https://www.flickr.com/photos/72762971@N00/245499365


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 06-21-15 5:34 PM
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57

I think batteries are an excellent way to go, per chris y.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 06-21-15 5:41 PM
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58

Named buildings are great as sexy gifts because of their association with the well-endowed.


Posted by: fake accent | Link to this comment | 06-21-15 5:43 PM
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59

The members of my graduate cohort who were also in my bridal party threw my bachelorette party, which was almost entirely classy (the almost being the obligatory stop at S/ex World, as S/mitten K/itten was closed). It was awesome.

Actual Advice: buy her a copy of InterCourses. Alternatively, a nice bottle of champagne, with the explanation that it's liquid courage for trying out the kinky gifts. I would not, under any circumstances, buy a coworker of any gender a sex toy. That would not be a fun detail to have unearthed in a lawsuit.


Posted by: J, Robot | Link to this comment | 06-21-15 6:17 PM
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60

I hosted a friend's bachelor party. We forced him into a giant rabbit suit (which he'd been required to wear at another friend's Burning Man wedding) and drove him around on a party bus. Highlights included pulling the bus over at a hotel on the Sunset Strip and having everybody join the hotel workers' picket line, including the rabbit. Also got a friend wearing another rabbit suit to board the bus on Hollywood Boulevard and give him a lap dance without ever revealing her identity.


Posted by: k-sky | Link to this comment | 06-21-15 6:29 PM
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61

That's how furries are made.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 06-21-15 6:39 PM
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62

59.2 is right, except that having it come out in a lawsuit would be awesome. University lawyers need the practice on that kind of stuff.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 06-21-15 6:43 PM
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63

Oh, you'll always know your neighbor, you'll always know your pal if you've ever litigated o'er a giant dil-do.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 06-21-15 6:55 PM
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18: 34DD was the specified size.

And yet lingerie is not exhausted by the world of bras?

You could buy her a copy of Oh Joy Sex Toy and as a cop-out for revealing/assuming taste.


Posted by: nosflow | Link to this comment | 06-21-15 7:22 PM
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I really hope the friend wearing the other rabbit suit in 60 wasn't in on the bachelor party and just happened to be randomly encountered wearing the suit.

I also hope it was a Donnie Darko rabbit suit.


Posted by: nosflow | Link to this comment | 06-21-15 7:24 PM
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66

In a better world.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 06-21-15 7:37 PM
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67

Give her a set of gray carpet samples and say that some have called your tastes singular.


Posted by: fake accent | Link to this comment | 06-21-15 8:25 PM
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68

What about chaps for her intended?

If her intended id marrying a woman, they might not be into chaps. Also, awkward on the wedding night.


Posted by: chris y | Link to this comment | 06-22-15 3:12 AM
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The card attached has to say "I used this giant, veiny, neon pink dildo a lot as a child...and I turned out ok"


Posted by: Awl | Link to this comment | 06-22-15 4:47 AM
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70

Offered without comment: John Thomas the Engine, the Backdoorigan, and Dora the Explorer.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 06-22-15 5:42 AM
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71

A strap-on harness and accompanying dildo might be good for a laugh. Fuzzy cuffs are fun, too.

A friend of mine had a fun pin-the-cock-on-the-hot-guy game for her 40th that's probably available at sex toy shops.


Posted by: togolosh | Link to this comment | 06-22-15 7:55 AM
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72

There was a Smack the Pony sketch roughly about this (wedding registry at a sex shop), but it doesn't look like it's online individually.


Posted by: Minivet | Link to this comment | 06-22-15 8:48 AM
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73

71.2: pin it to what?


Posted by: nosflow | Link to this comment | 06-22-15 9:05 AM
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74

Fuzzy cuffs are fun, too.

Linked without comment.


Posted by: nosflow | Link to this comment | 06-22-15 9:08 AM
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75

73 There was a big poster of a cockless hot guy and a loose paper cock you could try to pin in the correct spot while blindfolded. Actually I think there may have been more than one paper cock, but I was drinking so no promises.


Posted by: togolosh | Link to this comment | 06-22-15 9:48 AM
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76

So, I've been watching Spartacus: blood and sand (yes, I know. I started watching it for the sex and violence, and got sucked into the actual story) and just found out that the guy who plays Spartacus died in 2011. Just as well I hadn't been enjoying it where it counts.


Posted by: asilon | Link to this comment | 06-22-15 2:32 PM
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77

Oh, I can do this. I only own two sex toys, and both of them are really great. When one of my college roommates asked for "adult gifts" for her wedding, our other roommate and I went in on one of these (classy, effective, discreet). But the thing I actually like the best and have used on male and female partners with great success is this.


Posted by: AWB | Link to this comment | 06-22-15 3:38 PM
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78

The links there are a good reason to remember not to stay logged into your Amazon account.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 06-22-15 3:44 PM
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79

78: Does that link expose my identity? Or do you mean it put it on your account?


Posted by: AWB | Link to this comment | 06-22-15 3:49 PM
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80

No, it didn't do either. It would just mean that an ad for it would follow me around the internet.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 06-22-15 3:58 PM
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81

...until you buy one!


Posted by: AWB | Link to this comment | 06-22-15 4:00 PM
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82

77: I'm disappointed the thing in your second link isn't called "Steely Dan".


Posted by: Josh | Link to this comment | 06-22-15 4:24 PM
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83

||
NMM to Hannibal

Mads Mikkelsen is still fine though.
|>


Posted by: MHPH | Link to this comment | 06-22-15 4:27 PM
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84

I wish I had read 78 before clicking the link in 77.


Posted by: essear | Link to this comment | 06-22-15 5:12 PM
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