Re: "Gradually, and then suddenly."

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You will be great because you are great. The people here are amazing supports, I've found.


Posted by: Thorn | Link to this comment | 05-11-16 7:02 PM
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All the love to you, LB.


Posted by: Jackmormon | Link to this comment | 05-11-16 7:04 PM
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All the love to you, LB.


Posted by: Jackmormon | Link to this comment | 05-11-16 7:04 PM
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Well, poop.


Posted by: Jackmormon | Link to this comment | 05-11-16 7:04 PM
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Oh, I have nothing useful to say. And tell me to mind my own business if you want, but "i'm intrigued by your 'I found out about a month ago'. Was this a mutual decision or did he tell you.

A friend of mine thought he was fairly happily married and one day he found out she wanted a divorce.

Hope it goes as smoothly as possible.


Posted by: Bostoniangirl | Link to this comment | 05-11-16 7:05 PM
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It's tough, especially at first. A year and change in, I'm starting to see all the opportunities and possibilities for joy the divorce opened up, even though it's still painful at times.

Di Kotimy was kind enough to write me at the other place after I announced my divorce and encouraged me to look at as an opportunity for reinventing myself. It really helped me process what I was going through. You spend so much time thinking of yourself as part of a couple when married, it's a revelation to realize you get to define yourself for yourself.

Anyway, don't make any big decisions too quickly, and be sure to engage in self maintenance. (Also, even if you're not ready to do so now, let me assure you it's quite fun to fuck new people after so long with just one person.)


Posted by: Chopper | Link to this comment | 05-11-16 7:05 PM
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I think what Chopper's saying is that he's available, you know, whenever's appropriate.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 05-11-16 7:07 PM
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Way to make the subtext explicit Sifu.


Posted by: Chopper | Link to this comment | 05-11-16 7:09 PM
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Probably for the best. At his age, it's only a matter of time before the prostate goes.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 05-11-16 7:12 PM
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I am really sorry to hear this. Any and all support I can offer is yours.


Posted by: heebie | Link to this comment | 05-11-16 7:13 PM
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Goddamn. Sorry to hear it, LB.


Posted by: Lord Castock | Link to this comment | 05-11-16 7:19 PM
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Sorry to hear it, LB. My sympathies.


Posted by: nosflow | Link to this comment | 05-11-16 7:20 PM
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Sorry to hear it, and seconding the above: your are an awesome person.


Posted by: dalriata | Link to this comment | 05-11-16 7:24 PM
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I'm very sorry to hear that LB, that's a tough one. You have all my sympathies and my full support.


Posted by: Barry Freed | Link to this comment | 05-11-16 7:24 PM
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You are, even!


Posted by: dalriata | Link to this comment | 05-11-16 7:24 PM
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Thank you for telling us. I feel stunned and sad. Your imaginary voice was such a comfort to me when I was going through my own, and I know I'm not the only one. You are going to be ok.


Posted by: Penny | Link to this comment | 05-11-16 7:25 PM
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Better than ok. Essentially what Thorn said.


Posted by: | Link to this comment | 05-11-16 7:27 PM
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Ack. Lots of love to you.

IME the actual judgment of divorce part of getting divorced is great, though of course everything leading up to that judgment is totally horrible. But man is getting that divorce judgment sweet -- like getting out of prison, unambiguously great. The steps leading up to that moment totally blow though, just like prison.

I don't know if this is helpful or not, but in retrospect the thing that fucked me personally up the most in both divorces was feeling needlessly ashamed of them. Especially the second one with a kid involved. That shame was really the poison and what made me feel crazy, not the divorces themselves. So, fuck that. You've already taken the big and good step of announcing it here, which, right on.



Posted by: R Tigre | Link to this comment | 05-11-16 7:30 PM
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And also, my sympathies also.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 05-11-16 7:34 PM
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That sounds rough. I'll be thinking good thoughts for you.


Posted by: J, Robot | Link to this comment | 05-11-16 7:36 PM
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<3 Buck's an idiot.


Posted by: snarkout | Link to this comment | 05-11-16 7:42 PM
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Very sorry to hear that.


Posted by: Spike | Link to this comment | 05-11-16 7:42 PM
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You know who else never divorced anybody?


Posted by: Moby Bot | Link to this comment | 05-11-16 7:47 PM
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I am really sorry to hear it -- and really, really grateful you told us.

I don't know anyone who found divorce a pleasant experience, but I know a great many people who very much like who they came to be -- and what their lives came to look like -- post-divorce. So I hope you'll turn to us for inappropriate jokes support during the not-fun parts right now, and allow us to meddle in the fun parts later on as appropriate.


Posted by: Witt | Link to this comment | 05-11-16 7:47 PM
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So sorry to hear that. (Although I'm just a lurker, I'm still shocked and saddened to hear it. But I also truly hope it's for the best.) Sounds all very sudden. I hope the conversation went OK with the kids. They will adjust in time just as you will!!


Posted by: Rance | Link to this comment | 05-11-16 7:47 PM
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Oh, LB. Big hugs to you. You're great.


Posted by: md 20/400 | Link to this comment | 05-11-16 7:50 PM
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Yikes! That's surprising and sad news.

I am glad that you shared here and not (just?) on the Other Place. You've been a familiar voice for years, a key figure on the blog, an I appreciate you including us in the announcement.

I don't know what to say other than to offer my support and that, to the extent that this place is metaphorically Callahan's, my glass is joining the cascade in the fireplace.


Posted by: NickS | Link to this comment | 05-11-16 8:03 PM
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don't make any big decisions too quickly, and be sure to engage in self maintenance

This is good advice and probably the only advice that applies universally. Even the best divorces are pretty disorienting. Best of luck navigating it all and feel free to write any time.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 05-11-16 8:05 PM
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delurk:

Well, damn. LB I am really saddened to hear that. It's been six months for me and starting to see some of the upside. Don't know if that helps to hear. Hang in there. I hardly come by here these days, but do think fondly of you all.

: relurk


Posted by: soup | Link to this comment | 05-11-16 8:06 PM
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Oof. Here's hoping that the effect on your life is a good one.

I only have experience of this from the "my parents are divorcing" POV (age 14 or so), rather than having done it myself, but being done with it was better than living with the previous situation.


Posted by: Nathan Williams | Link to this comment | 05-11-16 8:13 PM
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This is sad news. None of the jokes I want to make feel appropriate at this time.


Posted by: urple | Link to this comment | 05-11-16 8:14 PM
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Very sorry to hear this, and hope you are doing OK.

If you feel a sudden urge to get very drunk tomorrow night ...


Posted by: nattarGcM ttaM | Link to this comment | 05-11-16 8:14 PM
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I'm so sorry to hear this, LB. Sending you good thoughts and my sympathies.


Posted by: Becks | Link to this comment | 05-11-16 8:25 PM
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Sorry to hear this and hoping it turns out well in the end.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 05-11-16 8:25 PM
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So sorry LB.


Posted by: Mossy Character | Link to this comment | 05-11-16 8:27 PM
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Sorry to hear it LB.


Posted by: Trivers | Link to this comment | 05-11-16 8:34 PM
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I don't know anyone who found divorce a pleasant experience, but I know a great many people who very much like who they came to be -- and what their lives came to look like -- post-divorce.

You're solid on the who, but I can definitely endorse the lives part of this.


Posted by: Mr. Blandings | Link to this comment | 05-11-16 8:35 PM
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Very sorry to hear that, LB.


Posted by: Kreskin | Link to this comment | 05-11-16 8:50 PM
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My mother had a gradual-and-then-sudden divorce sprung on her a few months ago. (This was after a marriage of twenty-odd years, not to my father.) The first couple of months were very bad for her. Now she's moved to a new city and, continued disorientation aside, already in an obviously much better place than the last five years or so of marriage had left her.

In all the divorces I've seen, the experience seems to be that after a certain inflection point it gets suddenly markedly better. Tigre is right about the needlessness of shame, and having made a FPP here is a good thing.


Posted by: lourdes kayak | Link to this comment | 05-11-16 8:51 PM
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Another mostly-lurker here--sympathies, LB. Yours is one of those rare pseuds whose comments I nearly always stop to read.


Posted by: Stranded in Lubbock | Link to this comment | 05-11-16 8:57 PM
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I'm sorry to hear about this, if only for CHANGEBAD reasons. From what I'm told by people who have had divorces they are (apparently) the greatest things ever and totally worth marrying someone just to have them, though, so at least there's that.

I hope you can get through the whole thing with the absolutely minimum of lifestyle disruption though.


Posted by: MHPH | Link to this comment | 05-11-16 8:59 PM
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At work, we have a department just for estates, and one just for divorces. I don't know how folx can stand to work there, it would be way too sad for me. Obviously, the estates moreso than the divorces, but the divorce calls can be tough too. I hope for lots of positive experiences for everyone in the future. Love & solidarity to all of you.


Posted by: Natilo Paennim | Link to this comment | 05-11-16 9:06 PM
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Louis CK on divorce.


Posted by: Chopper | Link to this comment | 05-11-16 9:07 PM
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I'm sorry, LB. Strength to you and the kids.


Posted by: lurid keyaki | Link to this comment | 05-11-16 9:37 PM
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Aw shit, LB. I imagine your main concern is the kids right now and I bet they'll be ok. When things feel like they just went "poof" you can see two totally solid things you guys made.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 05-11-16 9:48 PM
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Thinking of you, LB. Hang in. I've been mostly absent or lurking for a while now, but have valued your voice here a lot for a decade or so now and wish you all the best as you find your way through this.


Posted by: DaveLHI | Link to this comment | 05-11-16 9:50 PM
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When things feel like they just went "poof" you can see two totally solid things you guys made.

Well, mostly solid. Parts of them are liquid.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 05-11-16 10:00 PM
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Aw, LB, I'm sorry.


Posted by: Eggplant | Link to this comment | 05-11-16 11:07 PM
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This is sad news. None of the jokes I want to make feel appropriate at this time.
Sad news indeed.


Posted by: Eggplant | Link to this comment | 05-11-16 11:09 PM
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I'm also sorry to hear this. And especially sorry if it feels less than mutual. The important thing to remember is it's his loss. You are fabulous and will be fabulous with or without him.

I also agree with RT's comment about the shame being one of the psychologically harder parts. For me I felt like everyone was judging me, but it turned out to be almost completely my own superego. Also, kids are pretty resilient, and most kids would rather have divorced parents than parents in an unhappy relationship.

If nothing else makes you feel better, you're in good company with the commentariat, it seems like almost everyone here has a divorce or divorce-like break-up.


Posted by: Buttercup | Link to this comment | 05-11-16 11:37 PM
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50.last And some of us have two!


Posted by: Barry Freed | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 12:16 AM
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Very sorry, LB. Please take care of yourself.


Posted by: Cala | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 12:17 AM
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I'm really sorry, LB. Echoing 39: the bit just after the rug has been pulled out from under you is by far the worst of it, in my experience. Be good to yourself while you get through the next few months. (Also reaffirming 6.last, eventually.)


Posted by: Ume | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 12:53 AM
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Nothing much to add, but I'm really sorry to hear that. Hoping that it's for the best in the medium and long terms, however unpleasant it may be now.


Posted by: Seeds | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 1:41 AM
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Oh, this cold world. I'm sorry to hear it, as well.


Posted by: beamish | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 1:58 AM
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Delurking to say: I'm sorry to hear that.

Divorce can be horrible, and it can be a relief, and it can go back and forth between the two.

I wish you strength.


Posted by: ZB | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 1:59 AM
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Sorry to hear that. I hope the rest of it goes as easily as possible.


Posted by: ajay | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 2:13 AM
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I have just been rather struck by the realisation that this is the first time that someone I know has announced they're getting divorced. I know a few divorced people but the divorces all happened before I knew them. And while many of my coevals from school and university have got married, none of them have yet got divorced. Statistically that's pretty odd.


Posted by: ajay | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 4:12 AM
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Is it possible that just knowing you're it there in the dating pool gives women a new desire to settle for what they have.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 4:20 AM
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Sympathies LB. My only experience with divorce is from watching my parents go through one. They were ultimately both much happier people as a result.


Posted by: AcademicLurker | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 4:28 AM
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I'm sorry.


Posted by: Flippanter | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 4:57 AM
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I knew you were behind this.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 5:12 AM
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Wishing you and the family all the best, LB. Divorces suck but they do get better!


Posted by: Parenthetical | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 5:28 AM
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Crap, LB. Sorry to hear it.


Posted by: potchkeh | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 5:35 AM
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I'm really sorry to hear this, LB.


Posted by: Just Plain Jane | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 5:37 AM
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Sympathies, LB. I agree with Tigre in 18 - the perceived shame was the hardest part for me (not that getting divorced while in seminary helped with that), mostly needlessly. I found the actual process of getting divorced was hard (I did not want to divorce and did not chose it), but it has been a good thing in the end. Took a few years before I could say that honestly, with no bitterness.

Take care of yourself.


Posted by: parodie | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 5:38 AM
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I'm so sorry, LB.


Posted by: ydnew | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 5:54 AM
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I am not in 50.3 but this news is :( and surprising.


Posted by: yoyo | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 5:55 AM
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I'm sorry to hear it, LB. Take care.


Posted by: Standpipe Bridgeplate | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 5:55 AM
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Very sorry, LB. Everything everybody is saying is true: It gets better; a sense of failure is inappropriate, but also not uncommon; you should take care of yourself.

And yeah, speaking for myself, with some time and perspective, I saw that my divorce was necessary and appropriate, and it led to better things for both of us.


Posted by: politicalfootball | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 6:10 AM
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Alicia and Peter, Sharon and Ozzy, and now LB and Buck? Who's next? Marge and Homer?

I don't understand or believe in marriage (spoken as someone married, divorced and now married), but other people's marriages can seem like something different -- almost like they are part of the arrangement of the universe.

Anyway, in retrospect, I enjoyed my divorce. That's not exactly right -- but I do look back on that time with nostalgia -- as a time when the highs were higher and the lows were lower, when I was more alive and more open to new experiences.

In any case, please accept my sympathy, and I know you'll do great.


Posted by: peep | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 6:26 AM
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I'm sorry to hear this, LB, and I wish you the best.

Since I haven't been divorced (although the divorce-euphoria folks are describing does sound rewarding) I can't really speak to the divorce-shame thing in particular, butl you are obviously a great person with principles and talent and I hope that you don't spend a lot of time feeling bad about yourself in this situation.


Posted by: Frowner | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 6:35 AM
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Sympathies, LB. My only concrete advice is to get some exercise. It's good for your psyche and helps burn off some of the nervous energy that goes with these sorts of disruptive changes.

In the long run things have worked out pretty well for me, and I don't doubt they will for you as well.


Posted by: togolosh | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 6:41 AM
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Shit, LB, that really sucks. Even when you know that it's for the best and that better days are ahead, it's still a shitty thing to go through.

Like the kitten says, hang in there.


Posted by: My Alter Ego | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 6:42 AM
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I'm really sorry, LB.

You're such a great person. We've never met, but I'm realising I still care about you. I'll think you'll do great in the end. Take care.


Posted by: David Weman | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 6:42 AM
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I cosign 46.


Posted by: knecht ruprecht | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 6:44 AM
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We've never met, but I'm realising I still care about you.

This sounds like a complicated break-up.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 6:47 AM
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Alicia and Peter,

Hey, I hadn't gotten there yet.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 6:47 AM
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I'm sorry :( I hope you can find the time and effort to take care of yourself as you need. Good luck - you've got great support here.


Posted by: Catherine Andrews | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 6:55 AM
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Hey, thanks everyone. All the support really feels good right now.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 6:56 AM
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:(. I have no particular experience/wisdom to offer, so I'll offer twenty words or so of support.


Posted by: Tom Scudder | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 6:56 AM
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78: Sorry, heebie! Actually, I could be wrong about that.


Posted by: peep | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 7:10 AM
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Sharon and Ozzy

So now Ozzy's available. Heads up LB.


Posted by: AcademicLurker | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 7:12 AM
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Shit, sorry to hear that, and I can only imagine how odd it must feel to be talking about it online. There're obviously lots of us here who are interested because we care about you, but I hope you won't feel obliged to air any more of the process than you find helpful, just because you announced the decision.

Take care of yourself, anyway, and I hope you come out of it with a functioning relationship with Buck. Unless he's turned out to be an asshole, in which case I hope for a clean break (as much as possible with the kids).


Posted by: Osgood Yousbad | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 7:12 AM
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Anything to suck up to will, I guess.


Posted by: JRoth | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 7:19 AM
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82: I haven't actually watched an episode since Ace was born.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 7:21 AM
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84.1 is a good point. But when the time comes that you really need to hear a lot of jokes about Buck's cock, we'll be here for you.


Posted by: JRoth | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 7:25 AM
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86: I missed that episode.


Posted by: peep | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 7:29 AM
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Enormous sympathies, LB.


Posted by: dairy queen | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 7:37 AM
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I am so sorry, my friend. That is sad news.


Posted by: Idealist | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 7:38 AM
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Lb, of the children are all right, you'll be all right. There isn't a good way through this shit but there are worse ways. You are a really worthwhile decent principled person - either that or you are such a convincing fake that you make your money dying of cancer in the different places online simultaneously - and you'll find the world is full of people who appreciate this. It does get better.


Posted by: NW | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 7:45 AM
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Of/if


Posted by: NW | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 7:46 AM
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You rule, LB. It shines through everything you write. Good wishes to you and your kids.


Posted by: torque | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 7:49 AM
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you are such a convincing fake that you make your money dying of cancer in the different places online simultaneously

It's a fair cop.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 7:52 AM
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I thought that was ogged's shtick.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 7:53 AM
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For what it's worth, LB, as a long-time lurker I'm very sorry to hear this.


Posted by: One of Many | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 7:59 AM
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58: I could have said the same until my one friend fucked up with the heroin in 2011. Since then I've been seeing more and more of course as relationships age.


Posted by: Natilo Paennim | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 8:12 AM
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Is it possible that just knowing you're it there in the dating pool gives women a new desire to settle for what they have.

It is equally possible that knowing I'm out there in the dating pool gives men a new desire to settle for what they have, because they realise they'd never be able to compete in the open market.


Posted by: ajay | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 8:14 AM
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I don't know about "equally".


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 8:18 AM
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58: Unless I'm forgetting someone, no one in our immediate circle (that is, people we've had for dinner) has gotten divorced while we've known them. OTOH, my sister did get divorced, but honestly, if she weren't my sister I don't think she and ex-SIL would be in our immediate circle anyway (geography aside). We get along like a house on fire, but very, very different social lives.

Cancer, however, is fucking everywhere. No funerals yet, but in at least one case it looks inevitable (I mean, they all are, but...).


Posted by: JRoth | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 8:23 AM
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Joining in with the sympathy. You're one of those people online with such a clear, strong and fundamentally good character and distinctive voice that I tend to think of them, a bit like celebrities, as invulnerable to the world. S,o obviously that's not true, but still my first thought is that there's no way the great LB will not come out of this stronger and better, in all her glory. In the meantime, lots of support and good thoughts.


Posted by: Awl | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 8:24 AM
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Deep sympathy, LB. I'm confident you and yours will get through this.


Posted by: Minivet | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 8:34 AM
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100.2. Divorce: usually better than cancer.


Posted by: urple | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 8:36 AM
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OTOH, my mother was convinced that her cancer was caused by her deep and intractable bitterness, which she was convinced was caused by her divorce decades earlier.


Posted by: urple | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 8:39 AM
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OTTH, my mother was convinced of a lot of things that were untrue.


Posted by: urple | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 8:40 AM
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Also with the sympathy. No advice here, but others seem to have that covered.


Posted by: X.Trapnel | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 8:43 AM
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Excellent thoughts by some many people above.

On of the best things I did with my son was that I would have the following exchange with him repeatedly:

Me: When you are with me, where is your mom?

Son: Ummm ,her house?

Me: No. Your heart. Where are you?

Son: ummm with you?

Me: No. In your heart.

Then I would do the same thing about where I was when he was with his mom. [I left out the having crazy wild fun like the newly single person i was! jk]


Posted by: will | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 8:47 AM
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In addition to the feeling like I was a failure, the other hardest thing was the sudden quiet and loneliness. A house with no kids half of the time was crushing for me at first. For me, i needed to go to places where other people were, even if it was a bookstore or a mall. Exercising like a fiend helped too.

Good luck. Lots of love to you!


Posted by: will | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 8:49 AM
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OTTH

I think this is the key to understanding urple's universe (timeline?).


Posted by: Minivet | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 8:57 AM
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A house with no kids half of the time

Whoa, that sounds like heaven! But really it was very helpful to me how many people here were able to share experiences from their own childhoods or their children's to show how well children can adapt. It's part of the reason I felt able to pull the trigger when I was trying to talk myself into sticking it out for a few more years. I definitely believe now that my children are going to do/feel/be better long-term than if they had lived with double parental hostility and unhappiness. I hope and believe yours will too, LB.


Posted by: Thorn | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 9:00 AM
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110:

Thorn: After a few months, having have the time off is AWESOME!!!! Basically, Louis CK is dead on the money in the link posted above.

Once you get used to it, divorce is the best thing ever.

Lots of pain and shame and disappointment until you get to that point though.

We should totally plan a meet up in a few months fro LB. Only divorced or separated people can come.


Posted by: will | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 9:03 AM
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Just adding my sympathies and hopes that it all goes forward smoothly.


Posted by: Mooseking | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 9:06 AM
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111: I don't have time off anymore, which is a good thing in the scheme of things but I'm finding it utterly exhausting.


Posted by: Thorn | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 9:08 AM
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Only divorced or separated people can come.

It'll break AB's heart, but anything for a good meetup. I missed the DecadeDC thing, I won't miss this.


Posted by: JRoth | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 9:08 AM
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Only divorced or separated people can come.

Married people just fake orgasms so they can get some sleep already.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 9:10 AM
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Just echoing what the other divorced people have said upthread, while it took me much longer than most because reasons, life is so much better post-divorce.


Posted by: Barry Freed | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 9:14 AM
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life is so much better post-divorce.

Cut it out, people, you're tempting me to throw in the towel.


Posted by: Président de la République Albert Lebrun | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 9:21 AM
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I like the meetup idea. Give it 6 months, meet at Fresh Salt, and all the single commenters vie for LB's affections for the night.


Posted by: Chopper | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 9:24 AM
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I'll only go if I can be the reality TV show host and if the meetup has elaborate rules and fantasy dates, etc. "Chopper, LB has not given you a rose. I'm sorry, but you must leave Fresh Salt. Now, Will and Togolosh -- get ready to move on to the next round, which will involve ... paragliders.


Posted by: R Tigre | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 9:31 AM
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Atlatl shooting contest, targets to be rival contestants.


Posted by: Barry Freed | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 9:35 AM
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Exercising like a fiend helped too.

Ooh. Right. I forgot about that. I lost 35 pounds, then added back about 10 pounds of muscle. My friends were appalled because I actually look pretty horrible at my proper weight, but I felt great.


Posted by: politicalfootball | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 9:36 AM
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I like the meetup idea. Give it 6 months, meet at Fresh Salt, and all the single commenters vie for LB's affections for the night.

I'll start looking for flights.


Posted by: nosflow | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 9:46 AM
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So sorry to here this, and from the people I know you learned about it in the worst way. Count on any trivial solidarity I can offer.

get ready to move on to the next round, which will involve ... paragliders.

Bollox. Ekranoplans or it ain't happening.


Posted by: chris y | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 9:55 AM
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We're *this* far from turning into herpy.net.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 9:55 AM
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Come on, guys, give her at least a day of believing that the dating world is actually pleasant before destroying all her dreams!


Posted by: Thorn | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 9:56 AM
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Yep. Heterosexuality is a rigged game. Sorry.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 9:57 AM
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"Let's play global thermonuclear war."


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 9:59 AM
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Ekranoplan races. East River or North River?


Posted by: md 20/400 | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 10:07 AM
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Where do ekranoplans stand in the right of way hierarchy. Are they like seaplane, which give way to everything else?


Posted by: md 20/400 | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 10:09 AM
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128 Long Island Sound motherfuckers!


Posted by: Barry Freed | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 10:11 AM
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I'm sorry to hear this, LB. I agree with everyone here that ultimately you'll be better and happier for it, but getting there is hard, and I'm sorry. Very best wishes.


Posted by: jms | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 10:15 AM
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This tournament is going to have to have fighting a mob of six-year-olds in there somewhere.


Posted by: DaveLHI | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 10:18 AM
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Late to the thread, but sorry LB. Good luck.

As for witnessing divorce, not up close and personal, but I've seen it happen on Facebook and have some friends who got divorced before I knew them.


Posted by: Cyrus | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 10:18 AM
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Honestly I was a bit shaken hearing this. How could anyone divorce a spouse as reasonable as LB? You're a catch and he's crazy to let you go.

Analogy ban be damned, a relationship is its own living thing and the end of one is something to grieve that's like a death in its own way (even if, like with some people's passing, it's the appropriate time or it wasn't all that pleasant while alive). So my condolences on your loss. I'm sure you'll come through it all happier and better, but it's still ok to grieve the loss of a thing you built and were part of.


Posted by: Unfoggetarian: "Pause endlessly, then go in." (9) | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 10:20 AM
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These things are almost always hard. I hope it's as easy as it can plausibly be for you, and I wish you courage, luck, and wisdom figuring out who and what you want to be during and after.

Hopefully we can all try and be a bit more even-tempered, sensible, and kind to one another to make up for the fact that you'll probably be somewhat distracted over the next few months.

I imagine this will be painful, and I imagine you'll change through it. So I may as well say it now thank you for having been who you are. I've enjoyed the little glimpses of your life I've been able to see through the blog, and I feel like I share in some very small portion of sadness at seeing the old equilibrium disappear.

I expect you'll figure something out, and maybe the blog will even be privileged with some requests for help figuring that out or thinking it through. Either way, I'm genuinely looking forward to finding out in a year or two or three what kind of person you end up deciding to be on the other end of this, what your life ends up being like. I hope and expect it to be good.


Posted by: Benquo | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 10:25 AM
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Hopefully we can all try and be a bit more even-tempered, sensible, and kind to one another to make up for the fact that you'll probably be somewhat distracted over the next few months.

Let's not have crazy talk just because Buck's gone rogue.


Posted by: JRoth | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 10:27 AM
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Delurking to add my own sympathy and good wishes. It will get better.


Posted by: Blank Stare | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 10:32 AM
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Nice pseud.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 10:37 AM
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134.1 and 122 get it exactly right.


Posted by: Eggplant | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 10:41 AM
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I like the meetup idea. Give it 6 months, meet at Fresh Salt, and all the single commenters vie for LB's affections for the night.

I'm hoping to get to NYC sometime in September . . . *

* Though I'm not single so I might have to sit that one out.


Posted by: NickS | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 10:56 AM
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It'll break AB's heart, but anything for a good meetup. I missed the DecadeDC thing, I won't miss this.

Married people can come as long as they bring a single friend for the tournament for LB's affections.

$10 raffle for the person who gets to control her Tinder account for the night.


Posted by: will | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 10:56 AM
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Lots of love, LB.


Posted by: Yawnoc | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 11:04 AM
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Seconding 135.3.


Posted by: Mossy Character | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 11:05 AM
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Huh! Another surprise! Best wishes, L.B.

I wasn't proud of the way I handled the affair and break-up and that embarrassment still lingers but I'm glad I finally "let the chips fall where they may". That got me 15 years with the DE and twenty-something years later the X and I get along better now than we ever did before.

So. Good luck. Make sure you get custody of the coffee maker or other necessity for coping with mornings.


Posted by: Biohazard | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 11:53 AM
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Fuck. This sucks. Divorce is supposed to be for shitheads like me and Tigre.

I'm a little surprised at how upset I am over the divorce announcement of one of you imaginary people. Love and strength to you and the kids. You'll do just great.


Posted by: Jesus McQueen | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 12:30 PM
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Good luck. I am going though this now.

somebody here recommended this book and it is good:

http://www.amazon.com/Truth-About-Children-Divorce-Emotions/dp/0452287162/ref=sr_1_39?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1463081306&sr=1-39&keywords=divorce

My kids have adjusted pretty well.


Posted by: lemmy caution | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 12:32 PM
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Thanks for that recommendation, lemmy and whoever gave it to you (and probably me when I was too distracted to remember.) I just bought a copy.


Posted by: Thorn | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 12:47 PM
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Well, poop. That doesn't seem fair. Good luck.

<joke>Is Unfogged going to be cited as a co-respondent?</joke>


Posted by: clew | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 12:52 PM
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We've had births, deaths, marriages, and divorces. Any major milestones we haven't covered? I'm afraid someone either needs to murder or be murdered next. The best outcome might be for gswift to do it and get away with it.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 1:04 PM
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Someone could join the priesthood?


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 1:04 PM
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146: Bought, thanks.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 1:05 PM
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Any major milestones we haven't covered?

Has anyone liveblogged losing their virginity yet?


Posted by: AcademicLurker | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 1:07 PM
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149: religious conversion, imprisonment, going to war?


Posted by: ajay | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 1:08 PM
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152: Not liveblogged per se, but there have been extensive prefatory discussions.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 1:09 PM
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Becoming a vampire? I understand it's a transformative experience.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 1:10 PM
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Tigre has had at least two dissociative episodes while I've been watching.


Posted by: Mossy Character | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 1:15 PM
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Ain't no thang.


Posted by: R Tigre | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 1:34 PM
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Has anyone liveblogged losing their virginity yet?

It's called purchasing a TiVo.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 1:38 PM
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No one's asking LB the obvious question, so I guess I'll have to: will the divorce lead to more commenting or less commenting?

(The same question also applies to the potential new job.)


Posted by: urple | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 3:09 PM
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Sorry to hear LB.
All roads lead to more commenting.


Posted by: SP | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 3:51 PM
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is the new job in private practice?


Posted by: will | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 3:52 PM
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We've had mastectomies but no diabetic amputations that I know of. Anybody got a foot they're sick of?


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 3:53 PM
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Anyone commenting from Jail? Other than Carp.


Posted by: will | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 3:59 PM
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is the new job in private practice?

Probably not, if it's just across the floor from her current gig.


Posted by: nosflow | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 4:00 PM
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My mother in law did but she's never commented as far as know. Unless she's one of the Opinionated Grandmas.


Posted by: SP | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 4:01 PM
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164: maybe the revolving door is in the lobby?


Posted by: clew | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 4:28 PM
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I liked having two feet.


Posted by: Opinionated Grandmother | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 4:46 PM
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How disconcerting! Take care, LB.


Posted by: torrey pine | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 4:47 PM
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Oh my, color me very surprised. Best of luck, LB.


Posted by: parsimon | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 5:02 PM
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Delurking to give my sympathies. I am so sorry! I also am saddened by this news--I am sure you will weather this with your customary sang froid.


Posted by: Miranda | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 5:40 PM
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Anyone commenting from Jail

I might have commented from jail once when I was waiting around on a long line to get a guy through booking.


Posted by: gswift | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 5:43 PM
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You are awesome, LB. After a rough patch, each of my parents was far happier after their divorce. And we kids were happier too.


Posted by: bill | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 5:55 PM
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It's actually a little surprising that we don't have someone commenting from a prison. I know internet access is scarce but still.


Posted by: R Tigre | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 6:18 PM
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Delurking to say I'm so sorry - reading your posts and comments over the years I've been tempted to crash the meet-ups just to catch a glimpse of a sane fellow New Yorker. I hope you get custody of the annual gingerbread house building and any other family traditions close to your heart. Hang in there and hugs to you and your kids.


Posted by: Edith | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 6:30 PM
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Show me a prison, show me a jail, show me a prisoner whose commenting on unfogged...


Posted by: Opinionated Phil Ochs | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 6:31 PM
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Also delurking to offer my sympathy as well as my best wishes in getting through the coming months.


Posted by: airedale | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 7:29 PM
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Has anyone liveblogged losing their virginity yet?

Given how many mandatory reporters this site has, i don't know if it's for the better or the worse that it wasn't around for me to do so back in the day. I could have used a chorus of people telling me to run.


Posted by: J, Robot | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 9:48 PM
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153: I may have commented while going away from war (Russian army? Ok, other direction, and fast) back in 2008.


Posted by: Doug | Link to this comment | 05-12-16 11:32 PM
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Lurking sympathy and support.


Posted by: bees | Link to this comment | 05-13-16 3:20 AM
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(hugs) to you, LB. You are strong and we are with you.


Posted by: rob helpy-chalk | Link to this comment | 05-13-16 4:20 AM
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Just wanted to offer my support and condolences fwiw. Adjusting takes time and is hard, but you eventually get there. And then life throws new things at you to adjust to, but by then you are so much better at adjusting.


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 05-13-16 4:55 AM
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For the pain and bewilderment, my heart goes out to you.

But can I also be in the Louis CK mode for a moment and say congratulations?


Posted by: simulated annealing | Link to this comment | 05-13-16 9:08 AM
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153, 178: don't remember if I commented here about being displaced from Lebanon during the war in 2006.


Posted by: Tom Scudder | Link to this comment | 05-13-16 9:26 AM
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Jesus that was almost ten years ago.


Posted by: Tom Scudder | Link to this comment | 05-13-16 9:27 AM
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I can think of someone else who could conceivably have commented from a jail in the course of their work, but SOOBC.


Posted by: Minivet | Link to this comment | 05-13-16 10:24 AM
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That sounds tough. Sending best wishes your way...


Posted by: Frostbite | Link to this comment | 05-13-16 12:08 PM
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Delurking to express sympathy and hope for an improved future.


Posted by: Amber | Link to this comment | 05-13-16 12:32 PM
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Well, shit. That seems like one of those mindfucks that you have to white-knuckle your way through.

I'm sorry for the grief and the stress of all this change, and I'm sorry for the inevitable heartbreak and general mindfuckery. I have to agree with everyone here that you'll handle it however you need to (including losing your shit, if that's what you need to do). And I think as far as your kids go--kids can handle anything. And this feels a little silver lining-y, but I also think it's true: your kids in particular are going to get to see a grown up show them how to deal with momentous change, and then go about deliberately building a new life for themselves. I think your kids are going to be more than ok.

I'm sorry you have to go through this, though. And I hope the upside doesn't take too long to make itself known. I bet everyone here will be quick to point it out if you need it. In the meantime, I've got an imaginary hug to offer you.


Posted by: Donaquixote | Link to this comment | 05-13-16 12:59 PM
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Delurking to offer best wishes, LB.


Posted by: Klug | Link to this comment | 05-13-16 11:40 PM
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sorry about this. Everyone's different, but for my ex and me both at least, post-divorce is much, much better. If you can think of the next few months as a tunnel with light at the end or something, that's a realistic description for lots of people.

I hope the split logistics go smoothly and are cooperative for you-- that part I didn't like much.

At the risk of introducing a jocular note into a not so great time, I bet you could get crowdsourced drafts for your eventual dating profile here if you were inclined.


Posted by: lw | Link to this comment | 05-14-16 12:14 AM
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Saw the OP late but still wanted to express sympathy and send best wishes.


Posted by: widget | Link to this comment | 05-14-16 4:16 AM
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Not entirely sure how I missed this thread before, but you have my sympathy and best wishes.


Posted by: DaveLMA | Link to this comment | 05-14-16 6:15 AM
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I hate all you people who mentioned exercise as a good way to get through a breakup because two nights ago I did my physical therapy exercises and last night added some standard stretching and situps too. I feel much better than I have been, which I guess obligates me to stick with it.


Posted by: Thorn | Link to this comment | 05-14-16 12:54 PM
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Also just seeing this now. Sad for you, it must be weird in so many ways. I hope the new dispensation can be achieved as smoothly as possible.


Posted by: Emir | Link to this comment | 05-14-16 1:25 PM
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so sorry LB, this sucks. I feel like you have level-headed kids who are at a decent age for this. xxx


Posted by: alameida | Link to this comment | 05-14-16 6:12 PM
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I, too, am sorry and hope everything goes as well as can be expected.


Posted by: Turgid Jacobian | Link to this comment | 05-14-16 6:25 PM
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