I have a bleg for the comments. Jammies has three beloved BMX bikes which got stolen from under our house last week. We are 90% sure that the two-doors-down neighbor did it, taking the tools from the back yard of the in-between neighbor to cut through the lock. The in between neighbor is pretty sure he can see the bikes through the window of the suspect-neighbor.

We do not have the serial numbers, although we do have photos of the bikes, and Jammies did report them stolen.

Jammies' goal is to reacquire the beloved bikes. What's the best way to do this - report to the cops that we think they're in this other guy's house? Show up and offer a reward and try to entice the guy to pretend to be the hero in order to collect the reward? I strongly do not want a confrontation that could get out of hand because you just never know who might be armed.

It's Texas.. You can just shoot him.

The in-between neighbor is the one with the seriously disturbing arsenal, and he suspects that the two-doors-down neighbor stole his kid's bike. I think the two-doors-down guy is playing with fire, but he also seems to be a generally unstable 20-something, so playing with fire might be fine with him.

Legally, it's much less of a hassle if your one neighbor shoots the other one than if you or Jammies shoots somebody.

I'm really glad that we don't live in between them.

Call the fucking police. Why is this even a question?

You could leave an anonymous note reading "Return all the stolen bikes or else."

I don't know! Maybe we should. Having a hostile neighbor two doors down who is now angry at you? Maybe the police can't be bothered with a couple bikes, if we don't have the serial numbers?

Maybe the police are looking for a reason to investigate this guy because he's probably stealing other stuff. At least monitor Craigslist and the like to be sure they don't go up for sale.

Isn't the whole point of being in the Illuminati that you don't need self-help, you have all-powerful people helping you?

Monitoring Craiglist surely makes sense. And don't the Texas police have a service where they show up and shoot people for you? Spares the neighbours the trouble. Just make sure you give them the right house number.

I'm assuming two-doors-down is renting? Do you know the landlord?

8. Popo arent going to go in saying "we're looking for serial number such-and-such", they're going to knock on a profligate bike thief's door and say something about generic stolen property. Possibly ask Doc Ammo if he has a photo or more detailed description of his missing property, telling him you're considering passing it along when you go talk about your business? Unless the bikes are super-common, photos of three bikes should be super helpful-- saddles, colors and the like on three bikes are quite a coincidence.

If there are local citizens who are in touch with the police, (neighborhood association folks, business owners?) they might know if there's an officer who seems better or worse to talk to. Sympathies, having beloved stuff stolen is a real drag, and I completely understand the dilemma.

I'm assuming two-doors-down is renting? Do you know the landlord?

We could contact the landlord. This is the landlord's kid. He dropped out of school and moved home, and in between a mom and her kid lived there, and we still know the mom, so she'd have their contact info. The landlord booted the mom and kid so that they could get their kid back on his feet and out of their house, I think.

"super" is a super word, super-applicable as a generic intensifier. "fucking" used to be a catchall like that it seems, though maybe that's because I used to be a foul-mouthed shithead. Maybe "especially" or "particularly" for a less casual register.

Unless the bikes are super-common, photos of three bikes should be super helpful-- saddles, colors and the like on three bikes are quite a coincidence.

This is a good point. They are distinctive bikes.

Rare bikes with only one wheel each.

Is that actually referencing our hometown pride?

I had no idea about that.

Anyway, rat him out to his mom.

16. It's a super-good point I think.

14. You could potentially tell the landlord that either they get the bikes out of the house and back to their owners right quick or you talk to Doc Ammo. Also maybe chip in on a camera posted on Doc Ammo's place pointed at young thievely's comings and goings.

Or, you know, call the fucking police.

Can you walk onto the property and get a picture through his window? Or from the scary neighbor's property? Because that seems like enough to go the landlord/father with a "These are our bikes, if they're not returned we're going to the police."

"Your son is a thief, but not a very good one."

Jammies should get tattoos like John Wick and then go over to the guy's house shirtless and holding a puppy and saying the bikes are not for sale.

I'm still unclear on how certain it is that two-doors-down did steal them. Definitely get photos from ammo-neighbor's yard/house if he can really see them from there and will let you look. Know any birders? They always have awesome zoom cameras.

All these houses back onto a river right? Wildly OTT bush recon shit beckons.

22: You law and order types are no fun.

27 is right. ghillie suits in the pre-dawn

If Texas police are anything like the Met they simply will not bother doing anything. The Met doesn't do property crime. It does public order, it does murder investigations, it _maybe_ does violent crime investigations but only if they're super easy (they will to my knowledge refuse to investigate assaults where the victim has the criminal's name, address, description, phone number and credit card because it's only the victim's word for it - the criminal will deny it. And he could have got that black eye anywhere!)
Stolen bikes? Fucking forget it.

What about all the ASBOs?

30: in many jurisdictions police are not really interested in stolen bikes (with exception that if there is a registration system, they will tell you if they find yours in the process of doing something else). They are, however, interested in bike thieves, at least ones who are significantly active. So "My bike was stolen" doesn't move the needle, but "I think this guy is holding a bunch of stolen bikes (including mine)" might. Maybe.

The Oakland PD now responds to most small non-violent stuff "Fill out a report online" even if you call them. Guidelines as of recently:

The crime CAN be reported online if ALL of the following are true:

1. The crime is NOT an emergency;
2. You are at least 18 years old;
3. You have a working email address;
4. The crime occurred within Oakland city limits; and
5. The crime did NOT occur on a freeway or highway.

The crime CANNOT be reported online if ANY of the following are true:

1. You know who who committed the crime;
2. You have evidence related to the crime, such as photographs and/or video;
3. The damage or value is over $5,000;
4. The lost or stolen property includes the loss of a firearm; or
5. The lost or stolen property includes the loss of a vehicle license plate.
6. The lost or stolen property is a motorized vehicle (automobile or other motorized vehicle).

Stealing from neighbors is high on the dumbassery scale, but I kind of admire how he's moving down the line, using the gains from one crime to enable the next. It reminds me of those "I started with a paperclip and traded up to a car!" memes. He's going to use those bikes for some even greater crime, and before you know it, he owns Gazprom.

All that said, accusing your neighbor of stealing without being super sure is also high on the dumbassery scale, so be sure.

I never did find out what happened to that guy who accused a neighbor's girlfriend of being a thief and an addict on Nextdoor. I assume he got threatened with a lawsuit or the mods deleted his post and account.

Firebomb the house. In the ensuing chaos make off with your bikes. Hope that helps!

Arson is a "sometimes felony." It won't fix everything.

You could put up a big sign accusing the guy, like someone near us did.

Arson is a "sometimes felony." It won't fix everything.

You're just like the people at the paper mill.

Don't forget about my former neighbor whose husband died in prison just because of a little bit of arson and one tenant who was a very deep sleeper.

Pittsburgh really is awful.

The 80s were a different time.

9 & 30. Police are often pleased to get a reason to check out somebody's property. Especially if the person is a dirtbag who has come to their attention before.

Bibi folds! For now.

44: As if! Doesn't do the dishes, doesn't help with the laundry, doesn't vacuum, doesn't make the bed, and never folds anything.

40: Two tenants! And having finally looked that case up, and where it actually happened, surprised to learn it's now the public parking lot across from the Five Guys.

The one where giant eagles shoot people?

44: I wonder if that means there will be another election. I know my mom was looking forward to that.

Imagine having to see this billboard all the time.

https://www.timesofisrael.com/after-trump-shares-netanyahu-billboard-us-says-its-not-endorsing-anyone/

The caption translates roughly as "In Another League". I think that has to do with them both winding up in prison.

As I mentioned at the time, our bikes were stolen this summer in Oregon. A couple of weeks ago -- after we were home from our recent trip out there -- we got a call from the police: they've recovered the wife's bike. We'd made an insurance claim, and already gotten a check, so now we can either give the money back and go get the bike, or let the insurance company keep the bike.

We have no idea exactly how it was that the bike was discovered. I have the impression that some officer was suspicious why some local low life guy would own a $3,700 womens bike, and so they looked it up. We didn't have serial numbers. I doubt that they're charging the guy in connection with the bike, but they have to have gotten pretty close to him for something else to notice the bike.

Bike theft is epidemic here, and the police recently arrested a group that had like 100 bikes. It's amazing to me that you can make enough parting out a bike to justify the effort and risk, but apparently, this is a thing.

30 We needed a police report to make an insurance claim. This was a bit of hassle on both ends, because the officer kept getting called to deal with more important situations. Still, he was professional about it, and they really did do a good job matching up the bike once they found it. Medford Oregon is a city of some 80,000 people, so not Mayberry.

46: Thanks. I didn't remember where it was.

This is a thrilling tale of a successful bike-recovery-sting operation: https://sfbike.org/news/beths-brush-with-bike-theft-a-cautionary-tale/

The Yelp reviews of the notorious and extremely unsightly chop shop on 2800 Telegraph are a trip.

Where's the nice chop shop?

Solano Ave.

Something is walking on my roof again.

Do groundhogs climb houses?

Oh Lord yes, I work a couple blocks down from that chop shop and have always been glad that our building has a bike cage with a numeric keypad where you actually have to hit some of the numbers simultaneously, thus completely scrambling the odds.

I suppose if I rode a bike to work, I would just wheel it into my office. The carpet is shitty enough that I can't imagine anybody objecting.

I think your office becomes 50% a "startup" as soon as you have employee bikes kicking around. For the other 50% you need a keg.

There's probably a bike rack in the parking garage anyway. There's an attendant during work hours, so it would be safe.

No keg, but we're near a bar that has (or did last anybody checked) a happy hour starting in the morning.

There's an attendant during work hours, so it would be safe.

Depends how much they're paying the attendant.

It seems rude to ask, so I guess I'm back to putting my hypothetical bike in my office. I'll probably need a hypothetical mover to make room.

56: I took my storied, beat-up 1989 Cannondale touring bike into Bikes on Solano for an overhaul some years ago. I had bought new wheels and there were some delicate aspects of the wheel-attachment operation. A young man working at the shop haltingly described what he planned to do in great expressionless detail, without making eye contact, and it all sounded fine, so I said good-bye and figured I'd be back in a day or two to pick up the bike. 45 minutes later, I got a call from the repair shop manager. "Hi, um, your bike is done. Someone here really, really wanted to work on it." I turned around and came back, and the same guy explained to me with an even shyer and more aversive demeanor that it was all ready, hope I liked it. (I did.)

My friend dropped her car off at her trusted mechanic's and got a call to come pick it up a few days later. She drove it for a few days and it was a total fucking mess, stalling all over the place and being a disaster. She called them again and was told to bring it in.

Apparently, the guy had been completely mid-job - hoses disconnected, belts wherever, whatever happens mid-job - and just spontaneously called my friend to pick up her car. The guy was like, "OH there's my wrench that I haven't been able to find!!" ie under the hood of her car somewhere. Her regular guy was completely trying to paper over this horrendous dude and was basically like, "You get everything for free, provided you don't leave us a bad yelp review, please please."

Have I told you guys how relaxing it is not having a car?

I have one, but I don't use it often.

Maybe if you stopped using it entirely you could fix your blood pressure.

Sometimes I have to move it to check the mouse traps in my garage.

Exactly. Cars suck.

Not as much as the mice who won't stay outside to be eaten by the deer.

I know they usually get eaten by something else, but evolution happens and there are way too many deer near me to be explained without a new food source.

I would definitely watch the series for which 66 is the cold open of an episode.

75. Premium Rush, filmed with vivid action sequences of horrible bike crashes after which our hero gets up and keeps going

74: the number of deer near me now is kind of surprising, given that it is a good 20 minute drive to get anywhere remotely resembling "wild". It's a rare day I don't see a couple, and usually more.

I do, however, think there are surviving almost entirely off peoples gardens.

Obviously, a garden can support enough mice to feed several deer.

Some people say the extra deer are around because we've had some very mild winters and they have survived in greater numbers. Others say it's because they cleared out the underground in the woods behind my house. But those people haven't looked into the eyes of the deer I'm seeing lately.

Update:

Jammies was up late last night, folding laundry, and he saw the two doors down dumbass taking one of the bikes out to ride it around midnight.

He grabbed a bat, paused, put down the bat, and went over and was like, "Hey man! That's my bike!" and nodded while they explained that they caught some kids trying to steal it and the kids left it in their back yard, blah blah blah.

So we've got one of the bikes back. (Not Jammies' favorite, though.)

Also, what do we do now!? Wave some money under their nose as a reward for the other two?

Call the cops and say he was seem riding one of the stolen bikes. That's enough for a warrant.

Which would remove the fig leaf and we'd have an openly hostile relationship instead of whatever failing thing we have now. That's what we're stuck on.

Also Jammies talked to the cops yesterday, and the conversation didn't cover the scope of the situation, but they said they needed serial numbers to get them back from pawn shops.

Yesterday, it was just another neighbor who thought they saw his bikes. Now you can say that three bikes were stolen and one was seen in the possession of Mr. X who resides at 1313 Mockingbird Lane.

You really should have an openly hostile relationship with the guy who is stealing stuff from you.

Let the thief repeat his lies to the cops. That's how Martha Stewart went to prison.

I mean, you make sense.

Also, hire a big dog with diarrhea to shit on good porch.

Front porch, back porch. Whichever is the good porch.

Millions for incontinent mastiffs but not one penny in tribute.

So a photo would be enough to prove they're our bikes? If this guy weren't an uncredible dipshit, he could equally claim we stole one of ours, and tie the hands of the police officer.

one of *his*, I mean.

You're a Millennial Mom, so you presumably have several thousand timestamped cloudborne images depicting the distinctive bikes being ridden by your (presumably) distinctive offspring.

91: Your saying it's yours will work. The serial number just makes it easier on the police to be sure they got the right one. It's not magic, like the first person to write the number down owns the bike.

"Ma'am, I'm going to need you to speak your bicycle's True Name."

"Can I show you the bicycle's soul trapped in this magic box instead?"

If you'd reported them stolen and then later saw this guy with one, that's really good evidence the guy stole it or received stolen property. Perfectly reasonable thing to call the police about.

I called, but I didn't select the option to have an officer sent out - I just left a message with investigations. Should I just have an officer sent out?

Yes. Have the bike-souls ready for inspection.

Traditionally one impales them on the thorns of a chromium tree. But maybe establish rapport with the officer before you wheel that out.

98: I don't like to bother people, so I'd just wait and see if they get back to you.

Don't listen to the Midwesterner. Your husband foolishly let the prey catch his scent. If don't give chase immediately your stolen bike carcasses will be consumed by the pawnshops and you will lose your last chance to impale the thief upon your tree as he so richly deserves.

"Have the bike-souls ready for inspection."

HERE, I'M NOT HAVING THIS ONE, IT IS AT LEAST 30% IRISHMAN.

If Jammies has been riding that bicycle long enough you might be able to go after the neighbour in civil court with an alienation-of-affection suit for enticing away a significant percentage of your husband.

He's ridden thousands of Myles on that bike, I tell you

Just saw your email. The following sent.

I just checked that thread out. Confrontation is off the table unless you (and or spouse) are willing and able to physically stomp that guy out or something.

The cops might work out? Going to depend a bit on what cop shows up. Tends to be more experienced guys on day shift, but also less gung ho and excited to chase bad guys. Your guys on afternoons might be more willing to push the issue more, lean into this guy a bit. IIRC this is your local PD? They list the shifts so you can time the call accordingly.

First choice would be the route of going to the parents. "I don't want trouble, just the bikes, but this needs to get resolved or we'll not have any other choice but to try and get his druggie ass arrested every chance we get."

https://www.sanmarcostx.gov/1384/Patrol-Platoons

Missed that bat part. I'm definitely leaning towards just telling those guys to just give the other two back and it'll be done or shit is going to get hostile. But I'm not there and have a different background on this kind of thing.

Stealing bikes seems pretty easy when you think about it.

NextDoor was, for a while, full of people saying that somebody broke into their car and took small items. Some of them were like "I left the door unlocked by mistake" and some were like "the kids and their computers hacked my door locks to steal my Elton John cd collection," which seems less convincing. I think maybe the kids got caught or found a better crime, because it hasn't been on NextDoor in a while.

Today, somebody on NextDoor asked for people willing to go rescue an injured squirrel. But it wasn't up for very long.

First choice would be the route of going to the parents.

Waffle-brain parent or pancake-brain parent?

NextDoor is how we found out that someone else in the neighborhood had her potted plants stolen right around the time ours were taken. She also had a pop can thrown at her window, so we're suspecting dumb teenagers or a crazed botanist who's also a soft-drink snob.