Girl, you must be Covid-19 because exposure to you gives me fever and shortness of breath.
Girl, you must be Covid-19, because I'm getting emails from Italy and China saying what a disaster you are.
Girl, are you threatening to sue people making emergency parts for respirators? 'Cause you can win my tort anytime.
scene: local hipster overpriced boutique grocery store, inside the social-distanced, sanitizer-sprayed rope line
me: [contemplating the yoghurt selection, worried about sheep farmer whose products are not stocked (how are the sheep and shepherds???), vaguely aware of young het couple one social-distance space over with a date-esque dynamic, rating them as just-moved-in-together, thinking - awkward ... ]
she: [looking through fake yoghurt selection ... ]
he: [looking at his phone, then abruptly disengaging ...]
he: so how about some juice?!?
she: wellll, tbh i'm not really a fruit juice person ...
he: great! i've got this excellent mezcal!
she: awesome!
me: [not so awkward anymore!]
any ice breaker in a pandemic.
Girl are you Donald Trump during a national crisis? Because seeing you makes me feel fucked.
Girl, are you the US Naval ships Comfort and Mercy? Cuz I want you docking in my port.
Girl, you can't spell quarantine without u r a q t
Girl, do you have coronavirus, because I can't stop looking achoo.
I could have worded 5 better- seeing you makes me feel like I'm about to be fucked.
Are you the last package of toilet paper? 'Cause I just want to grab you and keep you all to myself.
Girl, are you three pallets of bottled water? Cuz I can't even explain why I want you so bad.
Does the 6-foot distance mandated by social distancing only for the heads? Only tall people can have sex with strangers now?
Girl, are you a coronavirus patient in dire need of an ICU? Because ICU and I got an open bed.
There's one I'm chewing on that I don't think is quite in its final form yet:
Girl, you must be the Trump adminstration's response to Covid-19 because I hear you like to take it nice and slow.
Also, second woman contributes:
I'm going to need longer than twenty seconds to wash my hands after I'm done with you.
Are you a military hospital ship? Because space has just opened for my bed.
I thought this was hilarious. And this was moving.
Girl, are you feeling what I'm feeling? I just want to trace your contacts all night.
1
I locked down the town you had been planning to move to this summer.
I am sorry, but I was quarantined, and I had nothing to do
and your essential services were so inviting.
2
We laughed at the corona virus together
and then I sprayed you with lye.
Forgive me. I simply do not know what I am doing.
3
I gave away the toilet paper that you had been saving to wipe with for the next ten weeks.
The man who asked for it was within six feet of me
and the firm March wind on the porch was so infectious and cold.
4
Last evening we were coughing and I touched your face.
Forgive me. I was clumsy, and
I wanted you here in isolation, where I am the carrier!
That was Kenneth Koch William Carlos Williams me.
Girl, you must be an epidemic in Iran because I guarantee my response to you is going to be slow, dramatic, messy, and involving a lot of invocations of the divinity and also indiscriminate licking of various things.
2 makes me laugh each time I read it. And Tia and her friends are so ingeniously filthy minded.
Girl, are you Covid-19 because now I know you I don't want to touch anyone else.
Everyone is wearing masks in intimate spaces, but you look like you've done it before.
23: according to a search for "lex dating", "Lex is a lo-fi, text-based dating and social app for lesbian, bisexual, asexual, and queer people". Which I understand all of except "lo-fi". Low fidelity? Surely not.
26 You will meet the love of your life but they will cheat on you.
The thing is that I can't read "text-based" without mentally inserting "Infocom" and "adventure".
Girl you must be coronavirus and I must be the government of the small Italian town of Vo' because I'm going to make sure you finish.
${deity} preserve me from writing Infocom sexts
>stroke
Nothing happens
>stroke again
NOthing
>examine nipple
etc ...
or
Orgy:
You are in a maze of little passages, all alike
Girl you must be an Infocom game because you make me want no tea and a thing that my aunt gave me that I don't know what it is.
I'm not sure I'm doing this right.
Did not expect to add the Infocom HHGTTG to the list of things I've been Baader-Meinhoffed by recently. (Also: the 1987 Drag Net movie, early 90s hiphop boy band Another Bad Creation.)
Girl you much be an Infocom game, but it is pitch black and you are likely to be eaten by a grue.
Girl, you got the Covid-19 fever? Or are you this hot all the time?
Girl, I'm like the streets of New York City. I'm empty without you.
"Babe, you put the hunk in 'hunker down.'"
I'm glad to know you're a COVID-19, cuz you look like a coed 16.
You make me want to be a COVID grocery store: bare and ransacked by lots of germy hands.
You're making my heart be like the stock market: plummeting to my toes.
Girl, are you the unreleased version of "Cats", because the internet wants to see your butthole.
The store's all out of thermometers, but I got something I can stick in your butt, sweetcheeks.
Have you been working from home? Because all I want to do is zoom a zoom zoom zoom and a boom boom.
Girl, you must be COVID-19 because I do NOT want you to meet my parents.
Girl, you must be COVID-19 because I want to get with you while there are still beds available.
I may not understand how pickup lines work.
Hi, we're probably all going to die of this. Wanna fuck?
Hey, so, the Lex admins just wrote me to ask if they could anonymously post some of our pickup lines to IG, but I just asked them to hold up, because I was thinking of submitting via plural pseudonym to McSweeny's. If they pay anything (don't know that they do), I'd donate it to a relief organization of some kind, probably some kind of fund for NYC artists or gig economy workers. At first pass, I think Mobes, lurid, ajay, and whoever posted that toilet paper one have lines that I might like to include (possibly with some editing by me). LMK if this would be okay with you.
Fine with me. Thanks for thinking of it.
Yeah, I like 43 too. I'll add that to people whose permission I'm asking.
Girl, are you Covid-19? Because now I can't go anywhere without thinking about you.
Fine with me and please do edit! I love 10 so much, btw.
Girl, are you Covid-19? Because you've got me wanted to buy a months worth of groceries and stay home with you.
Tia, go ahead - this is probably the most success that any pickup line of mine has ever had.
There are other places to post the stuff we come up with here?
Wait I like 53 too. Ok from now on if you post one make sure to say if you'd prefer it not move beyond this space.
This thread is such a delight. I'm particularly amused by 10 for some reason.
Does lo-fi mean no pictures?
Tia you can use anything of mine
Baby you're like a empty loo-roll shelf at the grocery -- one look at you and I know I'm gonna be getting all wet downstairs.
This thread has been the best thing that's happened to me in days.
Girl are you Covid-19? Does that mean I need exposure to your body to develop a response?
variant "an immune response"
62 makes me want to wash my hands again.
Hey girl, want to enthusiastically violate social distancing?
Obviously use anything I did that raised a twisted smile
I'm going to assume 62 is a reference to using a bidet, rather than the other thing.
Sometimes wisdom lies in not asking.
Girl, congress better pass a resolution to enact you, 'cause you are a more than adequate stimulus.
wait, "resolution to enact" makes no sense. Will refine!
wait, I just googled that phrase and yes it does. I'm just bleary-eyed. I'm making myself stay in my apartment entirely because I have an incredibly mild sore throat, and I said to my friend over Zoom that I don't think I've ever been as homebound when not actually sick, and I don't think I've ever gone this many days without an in person contact with another human being.
The other human beings in my house are arguing over the appropriate age to allow watching "The Godfather."
People living on their own, and neither allergic to nor enthralled with cats, might consider fostering one for the duration. I suspect the mental benefits of physical contact are there even if you don't believe in them.
I had been deciding between rats and a dog and maybe when I leave the house again I should just get a dog. But one of the arguments against dogs was that they were expensive and, uh, that might be an issue.
Girl, I must be the US economy and you must be Universal Basic Income, because you're the only thing that can give me relief.
Normally this is where I'd chime in with a pro-rat sales pitch -- they are great small pets and vastly smarter than hamsters, mice, etc -- but if you're on Lex then I assume you are trying to meet people and a dog is probably going to be a lot more help with that than rats. Unless you're really into goths.
69: I mean, many jokes work by using ambiguous phrasing that could refer to more than one thing... so yeah, in this case, either using a bidet or having to deal with a burst pipe in the basement. That's what you meant by "the other thing," I assume.
tbh I struggled a bit over whether to post that b/c I generally hate sexual/scatalogical humour but I've been chuckling to myself all week over the image of people (including, possibly, me) having to stick their butts in the shower because of this idiotic TP panic buying and I wanted to contribute something and that's all I could come up with, so.
And Tia in the unlikely event that you wanted to use that one, of course you are welcome.
This would be a good time to be in the washlet business. I'm not selling mine, though.
Blessed be Ogged, who alerted me to their existence a few years back in a T.P. vs water debate here. He may even have included a link. I've already worn out one battery and 2nd is now slowing down.
I like 43 in the tradition of "Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?"
Perhaps "Nice immune system. Wanna fuck?"
"Even if you weren't the last man on earth."
77: Newt has a goth friend from college known to all, including her professors, as the Rat Lord (to the more formal professors, Ms. Rat Lord). I am relieved to hear from him that she's managed to achieve this with only two rats -- I would have thought it would have required many more rats than that.
Without primogeniture, you start to get lots of impoverished nobility.
Baby, it was fate that brought me across your profile, because fate really wants me to find a use for all of these tissues.
Girl, you make me feel like an epidemic exponential curve -- I'm gonna explode overnight.
Girl, are you a canasta game at the Y and am I my grandmother? 'Cause any time I think of you I want to expose myself.
Girl, you make me want to bring my R0 down to 1, cause I only have eyes for you.