Sorry for missing posting yesterday! Jammies is out of town this week, and I mis-budgeted time. There will be a real post today, but possibly after I zoom with my mom, instead of before.
It's ok, heebie. I hate to admit this, but your mom is more important than us.
It's fun to read things and pretend that Zoom has its pre-teleconferencing meaning. Enjoy drag racing with your mom!
What are you talking about? I'm looking at her pores.
We're supposed to drive to Florida on Sunday and stay with them for a week, and my brother's family is flying out on Saturday as well for most of the week, but staying in the hotel.
Last night my parents called and asked if we could stay in the hotel too, because my mom's feeling so fragile with her ill health and all. This is incredibly reasonable and I 100% understand, and it also still cut me to the quick and left me feeling rejected and hurt. I've always thought that it was weird and aloof that my brothers never stay with family (that they love and get along with and aren't toxic), and prided myself on having such great loving relationships with my parents and extended family that the obvious choice would be to stay with them. So I felt extremely rejected and hurt, even though it's completely reasonable and we have four noisy children and we yell constantly, and my mom is extremely fragile and worried about her upcoming surgery in July, so of course she needs some space and quiet.
My brother and my dad talked later on, and my dad thinks it would be better if we staggered trips instead of visiting together. Also very reasonable. And since we've visited ~4 times over the pandemic, and my brother's family hasn't seen my mom since 2019, and since they've got plane tickets and we drive, it is absolutely obvious that we should bow out. (That part actually hurts less than the hotel, for some reason - possibly just because the hotel suggestion took me by surprise.)
Anyway, my dad hasn't said anything to my mom yet about disinviting us. The whole thing is crap. On the zoom call just now, my mom talked about her surgery and "if she makes it out alive" and so on, like she does, and of course I feel like if she dies, she will have canceled her last visit with me.
She's incredibly depressed and fragile and stressed, and doing a lot of counter-productive things like creating endless tasks for herself and driving herself to exhaustion - "the nozzle on the hose that waters the blueberry bush is clogged and that end of the blueberries are dying and it needs to get fixed! I need to purge all the clothes that I can't fit into with my colostomy bag (despite the fact that she's going to have surgery to get rid of the colostomy bag) so that Heebie's dad isn't stuck with them if I don't survive my surgery. I need to find someone who is strapped for cash who might like to take all these old toys and sell them on ebay, despite the fact that I've saved them for 40 years for grandkids and now I have grandkids that are the right age for the toys." She grinds herself into exhaustion with self-imposed jobs. (But refusing to talk to a therapist or try anti-depressants.)(And to be completely honest, she has always ground herself into exhaustion doing self-imposed jobs, until she has tunnel vision about life. It's not a new thing.)
Anyway, I totally get that she's exhausted and just struggling to make it day-to-day, and all the counterproductive stuff is coming from a place of not-really-keeping-it-together. The mature side of me wishes she was feeling and doing better, the immature side wishes that she wanted me when she's down instead of needing me to go away.
So anyway, whatcha think I should post about? Maybe the 1/6 hearings that I'm told are tonight?
Wow that's awful. Can you make a plan to visit just by yourself really soon, before the surgery? Not bring the kids and just be present and maybe helpful with all the inessential tasks?
After a few more phone calls, it sounds like we're now going again and staying at the hotel. It's impossible to know if this is actually what is best or if this is my mom just being too fragile to really consider alternatives. I just feel unhappy about every outcome at this point.
I'm sorry. Ailing parents is just not good.
Really sorry Heebie. So much stress. I hope you can squeeze some moments of grace and sweetness for you and your mom and your kids out of whatever happens.
My mom went to the ER for a rather bizarre occurrence - she was getting soda water, something unclear-to-hear happened, and suddenly there was a huge gash in the back of her leg. Apparently inches long and deep enough to require two layers of stitches. (Working theory is another carbonated glass bottle behind her exploded.) She's fine now, but it was a scare.
11: whoa! that's awful. And crazy. I hope she mends quick.
If we're sharing sad stories about old parents, my mom got taken in by one of those awful scammers that tells you they work for Microsoft and that you have a virus and this is what you need to do it to fix it. My mom said she knew it wasn't right and that she shouldn't listen, but somehow couldn't just hang up, and the more the person talked the more she couldn't resist. Fortunately, once she got off the phone, she was released from the spell, and called her computer repair person, instead of going to Western Union and wiring the scammer money.
15: that is creepy!
I sometimes think about a really old post of LB's about guidelines to tell her kids safe websites from scam websites, and my personal conclusion was that you have to develop a spidy sense about such things. And I think about how you explain similar distinctions to aging parents, and how impossible it is.
Remember, the IRS will only accept iTunes cards.
15, 18: my dad is plenty savvy about computers (was an early adapter at Exxon in the '70s, used DOS programs for tracking projected petroleum usage & production throughout the western hemisphere, etc), but he's nevertheless shot me or my sister quick notes just to make sure something is a scam. He suspects but doubts himself, I guess. Must just be some aspect of aging, similar to the loss of verbal filters--if your underlying trait is trusting, you grow less resistant to scams if your underlying trait is suspicion, you grow paranoid.
That's my theory anyway.
I announced today. Now I'm pooped. Off to the capital in the morning to officially register for the race.
"Our new phones are shit," Tom said cacophonously
"A democracy, if you can keep it," Tom said magananimously.
I had the most dramatic and anticlimactic day on Wednesday. I had a PT appointment in the morning and check-up CT scans at 12:30, so I was booked for 3 hours at the hospital anyway. Everything was busy and the CT people were behind schedule so it turned into 4 hours. Also the PT did dry needling which I found painful in an exhausting way.
Then I went home to take a nap.
Two hours later I woke up to a series of increasingly frequent phone messages from the oncologist, saying that they got the blood work from radiology and I had critically low potassium and calcium and I needed to call them back immediately. The last message said they were about to close for the day so as soon as I got the message I should go to the ER.
I called back, but they were closed, so I took the fog outside to watch the messages again and decide what to do. Then a police car pulled up! A cop got out and came up to the fence. My dog behaved badly because she thought he was a delivery person and she hates delivery people with a fiery passion. I wrangled the dog inside and went back out to the fence to talk to the cop without inviting him inside, trying to think about being polite and also what my rights were.
He asked if I was Cecily and I said I was and he asked if I was feeling okay and I said I was and he gave me a different number to call, to the PA at the cancer center's cell phone, and told me to call immediately.
So I did that, and she said go to the ER to redo those tests and/or be admitted, and I said can I call ahead to get an interpreter set up or should I just go, and she said never mind I'll turn around, meet me at the cancer center that will be faster anyway.
I made a friend come pick me up and we went to the hospital and sat in chemo chairs while we waited for the blood to be rushed to the lab STAT and the PA had called ahead of time so they were expecting it and did I need anything like juice or a cookie or extra chemo (haha jk)
THEN the lab called and all the numbers were normal so the CT sample must have just been diluted somehow, you're fine, see you next week!
28: Oy! Too much drama! But still better than an actual emergency!
I took the DOG outside, although there was also some fog.
Good lord. I mean, I'm glad they follow up aggressively. And glad it's all okay.
4 hours later I got an email from my stepmother, who is on vacation with my father in Armenia*, saying the hospital was trying to reach me and would I please call them and also email back about if I was okay or not. My parents are such useful emergency contacts.
*The obvious vacation destination in today's geopolitical and geopandemical climate situation.
It was a day of many types of physical discomfort. Needles, CT contrast dye, exhaustion, and then so, so much adrenaline. I am also glad that it was not a real emergency and that everything is okay, but at the same time a little bit irritated. Emotions are dumb.
Heebie are you staying at the same hotel as your brother? Which brother ('s wife) is it?
What am I supposed to wear to a Democrats picnic? Do I go with a blazer and look like a legit politician but also is silly on a hot summer day? Or do I go with a polo shirt and hope the other guy doesn't show up in a suit?
White or light-colored button-up shirt, sleeves rolled up; slacks; casual oxfords. Businessy but not stuffy, ready to get to work.
If you're in doubt, go with the polo for an outdoor summer event. Unless there's someone who knows what you look like in the actual blazer in question who says it actively looks good on you, as opposed to just looking like you're a man wearing a jacket.
Crossed with JMS who's righter than I am -- button-up shirt beats polo.
My standard look is fetterman-like enough, I'm trying to avoid leaning into it.
I mean, probably I should just buy a tie-died shirt and let the long hair speak for itself. This is a blue district, after all.
28: I'm sorry you had such a stressful experience, but I'm also super impressed with the follow-through from your cancer center!
36: This is exactly what the male elected officials & candidates in my area wear to such events.
40: The key question is how tall are you?
Short, and the other guy is super tall. If we have a debate I'm going to need to stand on top of a box.
Have you considered leaning into it with a pointy red hat?
Wool slacks, codpiece, leather vest with fringe.
Preferably worn with spectator shoes.
34: The California brother. Originally I booked the hotel, then cancelled and booked a house.
I hate rental houses. I hate the ubiquitous renovation style and all the tile. I think it's exceptionally practical and I don't fault anyone for going with it, but the idea that I have to sleep in a rental house (or a hotel) when my beloved home of origin is a mile away is really difficult for me. I am having such an outsized reaction to this. I know perfectly well that this is reasonable and not personal, but I am taking it very hard still.
The house I booked is walking distance to my parents' house. This was the height of maturity of me, to do something that is central to my mom's values (of walking everywhere) rather than spite-book something dumb in hopes that people would feel sorry for me.
I've never stayed in a rental house yet. But we've got one for tomorrow. In keeping with the problematic brother theme, my sister paid for it and I forgot to give her my part yet.
That probably deserves another Good Job.
Also Jammies gets home tonight, which is a relief. Even if single-parenting now is a totally different ballgame than single-parenting a few years ago.
So I'm back in NY and my nephew surprised me by coming up for a short visit. I want to take him into NYC to see a museum, walk around, and have some really good food (something other than his usual fare) but my parents' are all about how NYC is too dangerous which is a joke. This is the older nephew (he's 18), I've done this with his 2 years younger brother for the last 3 years now.
49.2 it's sad that you have to stay elsewhere but also really great that you have that attachment to begin with? All those positive vibes about childhood home and parents. Not everyone has them. Hope the visit goes better than the preamble has.
28: I'm sorry you had such a stressful experience, but I'm also super impressed with the follow-through from your cancer center!
As far as I can tell from talking to other cancer patients, the center here is at the absolute top for user experience. I got everybody's cell phone numbers, they all work together, things moved very quickly and very smoothly and everything was coordinated and accessible from day 1.
I mean actually having cancer sucked but everything else about being a patient there is sort of fairytale like. Tell all your friends!
(It's probably not top of the line as far as actual, like, expert doctors, but whatever.)
I think heebie's situation would be reversed for me. My MIL would be incredibly hurt if we went to visit her and stayed in a hotel or rented an apartment. The thing is she is in a one-bedroom apartment without a den/study, so the sofa bed is in the living room. That's fine for Tim, but I'm not comfortable with it. I've avoided going since she moved. He went once after the border opened.
it's sad that you have to stay elsewhere but also really great that you have that attachment to begin with? All those positive vibes about childhood home and parents. Not everyone has them.
I know, and I'm really trying to keep perspective. I was trying to figure out who I could complain to of my local friends, and everyone has fraught relationships with their parents. But I just feel so greedy for things to stay exactly as they've been.
I went with khakis and a blue plaid shirt, and I rolled up the sleeves like y'all said. My opponent had a white dress shirt and did not roll up the sleeves and looked stiff. I gave a much better speech than he did. He may be rich and tall and handsome and have better connections than me and have a bombshell wife and adorable, photogenic young children. But I gave a better speech.
Grunty smart internet goblins for the win!!
I bet he doesn't have a loyal blog.