Alignment! Let the magic begin....
Cleveland Steamer? It would fit in more with the projectile imagery of "Hindrocket."
Why is Kotsko always the one to shock me?
Surely we can do something with Hinderaker, Johnson, and Mirengoff.
What about: The Pig Spunk? Not good on correlation of meaning, but it rhymes.
Does 'Da Preacher' really top 'Deacon?'
I listened to too much Tenacious D as a kid.
In keeping with the other two, we could call Deacon Dickens instead. Then it almost seems highbrow and literary.
You mean Da Dickens, or Da Lil Dickens, or do you mean Da Great Big Dickens?
Suddenly, I'm eight. Very liberating. Thanks Apostropher....
For Big Trunk, my first thought was John Merrick.
As a fan on alliteration, I'd like Da Dastardly Deacon, but that's not really insulting. How about renaming them Liberal #1, Liberal #2, and Liberal #3? That they would find very insulting.
(And yeah, I was pretty hard-pressed to think of a more gay-porn sounding name than Hindrocket, but I did my best.
Gerbil Cannon?
But I think we'll all feel even better about things if we start referring to them as Buttplug, ViagraSpam, and Da Preacher rather than Hindrocket, The Big Trunk, and Deacon. Are you with me?
But they need like superhero names cuz we're like talkin' superhero secret identities here.
Like Hemorrhoid X ('He Gets On Your Ass and Stays There!').
Isn't Deacon stolen from something? Some British gangster movie? Actually, you can just leave the Deacon as is. He takes the altar boys aside and is like really AHEM stern with them. No, wait, at night the Deacon becomes....THE SPANKER! ('He Dares To Discipline!')
And of course, at night, The Big Trunk drops his shy, nebbishy civilian identity and visits leatherbars as Mr. Penishead! ('I'm the Big Dickhead!') (He looks likes Mr. Clean except that... ... ... nevermind, he just looks like Mr. Clean, but oilier.)
And dude, they can totally have a crossover comic ('Famous Defectives') with the Gayatollah where they (and the Gayatollah) seriously beat the shit out of each other in a totally gay way just like Arnold Schwarzennegger and that fat australian guy did at the end of Commando. (Seriously, have you seen (not watched, mind, I wouldn't suggest you rent it or anything, no, what you do is accidently come across it on cable, ya know, sneak up on it and shit so it doesn't burn out your eyes) the end of that movie recently? Wow, man.)
These guys just like, ooze for Arnie, don't they?
[After all, Eric Berne did say that your real, actual, no-shit paranoids were all about sadistic fantasies involving ramming things up their enemies' rectums, for the purpose of making them scream, which more or less explains both Abu Ghraib and 'Hindrocket'.]
[While we're making the highly tasteless gay jokes about 'conservatives' can we get somebody to explain to Mark Steyn that you don't just stick the tampon in once and leave it in there forever, you gotta change it reg'lar? No? Oh, well.]
[Is this like that warm friendly afterglow thing were the feminists and the not-feminists get together in a 'Lets's bash those other guys!' session?]
ash
['The family that hates together stays together.']
Dude, you totally have a crush on that guy from J&B.
Yo, this is more like a great (or mediocre if it makes you feel better) minds think alike thing, since I got started in on the Gayatollah doohickey before I saw any of that (before any of it was posted, but timestamps are lacking), especially including the Ct thing, which I looked back at afterwards and kept falling asleep trying to read. However, posting the excerpt above encouraged me to continue riffing, man.
Unfortunately, now you have totally ruined the mood before I could work in Ahmed Chalabi, the Fantastic Fucksticks, and 'neck wattles'. Also, Stupid Friends, and maybe the Ultimate Nullifier.
Alas, this post will now have to show up as a back issue of the What If? series in another universe.
Of course, I am totally lying and we all know only Ph.D.'s in philosophy read comic books when they were 12, so only they can dispense the Ph.D. continuity knowledge dispensed by the Ph.D. factory brain implants* at the cost of millions and millions of dollars
*have you actually SEEN on of the implant ceremonies were this machine just comes down from behind the podium and with this SPLATCH huge disgusting machine drops down and sucks their brains out and replaces them with the Wisdom Dispensers (and also replaces their blood with this weird blue radiator fluid stuff that permanently stains carpets)? Poor Ph.D.s! Lucky that almost none of them remember it, never remembering their previous brains and only a few of them are misaligned and go wonkity, like say, Glenn Reynolds.
Anyways, that's why we slaves must respect their great sacrifice and propiate the knowledge gods sent to us by our alien masters with cheese and virgin sacrifice and DVD players on every thirteenth moon or otherwise the Gods will afflict us with plagues and pestilence and Jonah Goldberg and steal our beer and our women. But this is traditional, and tradition as all the Wisdom Dispensers agree is Good and Virtuous.
I'm kind of in favor of keeping "Hindrocket," just because, well, it's about as gay as it gets. Except for maybe "Jeff Gannon."
Which should be Jeff CANNON. And then you could work in Jeff STRYKER, which leaves us only to gather up Jeff ABRAMS and Jeff HUMMER (the Gerbil Cannon!) and maybe you could throw in Jeff APACHE (but not Jeff WARTHOG, oh no) and then it would be like a conservative's Village People which surely the Hindrocket would love them and squeeze them and hug them and kiss them and go totally groupie for, and it would be like the Summer of Log Cabin Love or something. Ok, maybe Summer of Log Cabin War.
Jeff Thrust?
ash
['Y!M!C!A!']
wow, now I'm glad I didn't finish my dissertation! and that explains the weird radiator fluid taste.
Et tu, Alameida? I was just thinking earlier that "Fartlighter" would be a good name--a way of subverting their obvious desire to be gay porny, and it really is synonymous.
I was trying to think of a photoshop concept involving the bizzaro-world anti-powerline consisting of Grooverocket, The Big Funk, and Freakin', but I'm not sure just where this all fits...
Don't you think it's time for us to admit that their names are so absurd that they can't be parodied?
What does not kill me gives me more cool pictures of Bootsy Collins, though.
How about Hineywiper, The Little Pud, and Jerkinoff?
AssMissile, The Pig's Lunch, and Geek Spawn!
I always suspected that Powerline was a parody site, maybe done by Michael Moore, Al Franken and Michelangelo Signorile. The oh-so-clever nome de plumes, the lightning bolts, the self-righteous arguments and fabulous congratulatory posts seemed so obviously overdone that I didn't pay much attention for fear of being taken in by the joke. These are lawyers? Who are their clients, the lollypop guild? Maybe I was wrong, but I'm still not sure. Has anyone ever checked to see if they post when Franken's on the air?
The Blogumentary has a hilarious interview with the Hindrocket. He's sitting out on his deck ranting about what idiots the journalists and editors of The New York Times are, among other things. If I had any Final Cut Pro skills at all, I'd try to do a little mashup of that interview with some gay porn.
I have to go back to one of my favorite movies, "Top Secret", to find a better name than Hindrocket.
Anal Intruder.
