There once was a man from Aberystwyth
Who found a young girl to play whist with.
She took the first trick, so he slit her bloody throat from ear to ear.
I am shocked to find that The Listing Attic contains no overtly dirty limericks, though it does have some detailing the consequences of being loose with one's favors, e.g.:
An incautious young woman named Venn
Was seen with the wrong sort of men;
She vanished one day,
But the following May
Her legs were retrieved from a fen.
Let's keep the child murder limericks to a minimum, eh? (Not blaming you, Ben, just saying.)
I wish I could remember where I learned the whist one.
Said the queen to the king, "I don't frown on,
It if you should choose to go down on,
My page on the stairs,
But you'll give the boy airs,
If you will do the job with your crown on."
W.H. Auden
There was a young fellow of King's
Who cared not for whores and such things
For his secret desire
Was a boy in the choir
With a bum like a jelly on springs.
There was a young girl from Berlin,
Whose mother, to keep her from sin,
Had filled in her crack
With quick-setting shellac --
But the boys picked it out with a pin.
Let's keep the child murder limericks to a minimum, eh?
Ummm. Because the kiddy porn ones are so much better?
Why would he be licking his chops while talking to the cops?
Hickory dickory dock
Unfogged is all about shock
Though ogged seems a prude
He's really quite lewd
As you'll see when he whips out his cock
9, funny. To get rid of the evidence, of course.
PG, well, yes.
Is it kiddy pornper se if it's not done well and doesn't titillate?
There once was a man, Gayatollah
To the ladies, he'd say "Eh! Ola!"
"...Cry, Masturbate, Cry"
He'd say with a sigh
As they gave him cold sholda!
Shit. Still missing a syllable. Help?
The Gayatolla/superkoranic line has a lot of lewd and rhyme potential.
Uh, chopper, 10 is tight, 13 is beyond help.
He moved down to North Carolina
In search of an ersatz vagina
The biscuit its crux
And not in the back of a miner.
Gayatollah will finish you all
Sucking your cock and each ball
It's a superkoranic
Fellatio panic
Down in the men's bathroom stall.
Gayatollah Abu Labs
Gave the Pope's nephew crabs
"Fret not, young novice
One orifice
Is all that my faith demands."
There's a missing transition in there. I'm not really understanding the story you're telling.
Not to mention rhythmically. "NOvice" doesn't rhyme with "ORifice".
Anyway, 21 is clearly the best Gayatollah limerick ever.
Ben w-lfs-n sat in his chair
Dipping his dong in some Nair
He said with some glee
While acting quite twee
It makes the blood easier to get off!
Of the three thus far extant, I'd say that's true.
Unfogged's in-house grammarian
Was a prodigious pedant named Ben.
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin
This isn't a proper limerick at all.
Speaking of less than proper limericks--or dirty poems that aren't actually limericks at all--I like these lines by Tony Harrison:
Mon égal!
Let me be the Gambia
in your Senegal.
*****
It makes sense if you look at a map.
When the Gayatollah finished with Ben
Neither keyboard nor pencil nor pen
Could wipe the rude stain
Nor ease the full pain
Of crossing a philosopher six ten.
Well, if you relax the limerick requirement, I like Edward Gorey's:
The Proctor gives the pupil ices
And hopes the boy will not resist
When he attempts to practice vices
Few people know exist.
I have swung at
the fruit
that was in
the comment box
and which
you were probably
saving
for cock jokes
Forgive me
but it just hung there
so sweet
and so low
There once was a guy, hight Chopper
Whose brain had dropped in the hopper
To his friends he would bait
from non-celibate state
If wife is awake I shall top her!
there once was a pink-haired profgrrrrl
who said "eh, let's give it a whirl"
she went out with ogged
and they panty-blogged
but nothing to make ones toes curl
At the Mineshaft there once were two neighbors,
Who had no good luck with love's labor,
To Ogged said F. Labs:
"Fuck this, I'm Slabs"
And published online taboo papers.
I find that nothing makes a better substitute for the mead of poetry than the CTA.
1.
A tutor who "tooted" the "flute"
Tried to teach two young "tooters" to "toot"
Said the two to the tutor,
Is it harder to "toot", or
To tutor two "tooters" to "toot"?
2.
A man (a bit of a lout)
Put it in, and then shook it about
He's now doing the hokey
Down there in the pokey
It seems the girl's age was in doubt.
From Tobacco Road hails the Apos
Land of Dooky sorority hos
But his wanderlust said:
get some Japanese cred
where the boys and the girls play Kancho!
In the spirit of 44(1), above:
There was an old man of Ashokan,
Who loved to chew wood, mostly oaken;
Very often he'd quip
With a smile on his lip,
"Ah sho' can gnash oak in Ashokan."
I'm still trying to think of a non-groan-inducing way to end a limerick with "at the mineshaft."
Ogged, a man thought quite daft
said "I grip my pole by the shaft.
Else when I go pee
It sprays on my knee
And not on boys at the Mineshaft."
Ending a limerick with "mineshaft" would be tricky because the first and second lines would have to have the "-ine -aft" pattern.
"I'm surely a master of mine craft!
Come, let me go wild on thine haft!"
That kind of chatter
Concerning man-batter
Is typical down at the Mineshaft.
And the American productivity miracle continues apace.
The Mineshaft's light is nothing like the sun
Leather is far blacker on which you've bled
If masks be tight, then lace won't be undone
If flails be wires, then wires must hit your head
I have seen people happy, brown and white
But no such people see I, between cheeks
And in some perfumes I would delight
Than in the smell that from the Mineshaft reeks
I love to hear you squeak, yet will I know
That thine screams hath a far more pleasing sound
I grant I never saw an ogged go
Editrix, when she walks, treads her playground
And yet, by heaven, I think this place as rare
As any where false gags let one breathe air.
Maybe this is a good place to link this masterpiece by Anti-Anti-Kamala/FWC4?
Yeah, I think I got onto the "dark" part in "Dark Mistress" and just kind of went with it.
52 ends the contest. My Lady's Eyes is my most favorite sonnet. And yet, dear Chops, you have improved upon it.
although I might change:
I grant I never saw an ogged go
Edetrix, when she finds him: ogged-bound.
I suppose this is shameless self-promotion, but I have a non-racy sonnet here.
eb, nice!
The last time I tried to write a sonnet in earnest, I sent an anonymous love sonnet to a woman I had a crush on in college. Quite the effective wooing tool!
And you, ogged, don't believe in scansion.
My favorite faux-limericks (non-dirty) are Harry Mathews':
Young Dickie, beginning to eat,
denied stealing the fish eggs, whereat,
caning him for a liar,
his pa ate the caviar
and left Dickie digesting the caveat.
A nice dirty limerick:
There was a young lady from Yap
who had pimples all over her map.
But in her interstices
there lurked a far worse disease
Commonly known as the clap.
Eh, I guess I should try to come up with something original, but it would be incinerated by the shining light of 36 anyway.
But in her interstices
...Grew hella grass.
Am I banned? I just tried to post something and it was blacklisted, but I can't tell why.
Shit, hang on, it's my too-aggressive blacklist...
Too aggressive? I'll pull your balls through your nose!
It seems like the most appropriate sonnet for Unfogged would be to take #145 and change it in such a way so that it ends:
'I date' from date away she threw,
And ruined my life, saying 'not you.'
I'd work on the remaining lines, but I've got to get to classes.
It still didn't work, so I removed the link to sonnet 145 (which must have been what triggered the blacklist - Shakespeare was one hell of a spammer, I guess).
Ah, all "[dot]info" sites are blocked, which is too aggressive, but which I'm not changing.
Here's a source for all your Shakespeare sonnet needs. I'd say 126 has the most Mineshaft-esque first line...
But the first one I tried was at this url:
http://www.shakespeare-online.com/sonnets/145.html
I tried the [dot]info second.
And now I see that Chopper has been able to post that url; I guess I only tried the [dot]info one after you made your changes. I should have tried the other one again.
Right, the string "online" was also blocked, which really is too aggressive.
Man, ogged. You need to straighten your policies out.
I don't want to offend any future co-bloggers.
I think that one mostly applies to the current crew.
At the Mineshaft.