My mom recommended that I see Jesus is Magic, and then a few days later I read in Heeb (the New Jew Review!) that one of the jokes she tells runs, roughly, "I was licking some jelly off my boyfriend's penis and I suddenly realized, oh my god, I'm turning into my mother". Then I experienced some cognitive dissonance.
Nothing that Domineditrix does surprises me anymore.
It would surprise me if she commented here.
I mean, if DE commented here again.
I have to admit, I don't really find Silverman that funny. A couple of good jokes, but then its mostly like watching a car wreck in slow motion. Fascinating, but not funny. (I haven't seen the movie, only a few spots of hers on TV.)
Huh. I haven't seen the movie yet, but I find her very, very funny.
Apo:
Would you find her as funny if she wasn't so cute?
pas de probleme, w-lfs-n; your mom and I have never used jelly.
Hard to say, Tim. I do have trouble looking away when she's on screen. On the other hand, she deals in precisely the sort of humor I find most appealing: making people squirm.
your mom and I have never used jelly.
HA! She likes me better, Michael.
I am so getting breast implants.
Don't y'all think Silverman looks a bit too much like an ape? I mean, not-beautiful is fine, but not-beautiful-in-the-direction-of-a-particular-animal, not so great.
Ape loving is in now, eh? Always behind the times, I am.
looks a bit too much like an ape
I don't see the resemblance.
Jeebus, ogged. Can you please, please name a gettably attractive woman? Does such a thing exist in your universe? Because at some point, an impossibly high beauty standard is just a cover for teh gay.
I said that not-beautiful is ok, because I didn't want to make you apoplectic, Tim.
"Always behind the times, I am."
Often concocting odd reasons to find women unattractive, you are.
What can I say? I've got a thing for hairy ethnic girls. And Weiner, breast implants on man are clearly an indication of some really frightening mother fixation, not teh gay.
aren't they an indication of teh efficiency?
Your knowledge of what I will call "manmaries" is broad and deep.
What can I say? I've got a thing for hairy ethnic girls. And Weiner
I'm such a child.
I'm such a child.
Tom, during my last performance evaluation at work, my boss started out by saying that in my self-evaluation I'd previously turned in, "I think you were a little hard on yourself." The not-with-the-out-loud-voice filter didn't kick in until after I'd interrupted him to say, "You said hard-on."
There was about five seconds of really uncomfortable silence before we both started laughing.
Jennifer Garner is about the most attractive chick I know that looks like a skull. A propos of nothing.
during my last performance evaluation at work
"Last" as in "most recent", or as in "final"?
It turned out to be a very good evaluation. I knew my boss before I started working there (and he reads my website), so it isn't like he doesn't expect it on some level.
I haven't seen the movie but I saw her live on her Jesus is Magic tour back in 2002. Don't know if she does her bit on where diamonds come from in the movie but that pretty much ruined them for me forever. It was a funny show but she's kind of been recycling the same material for years. I caught a Saturday Night Live rerun with her on it from 2000(?) and it had almost all of the same jokes, including the jelly/turning-into-my-mother one.
I can see the hairy ape thing but that doesn't stop her from being cute. Sheesh, Julia Roberts has a horse mouth and Brittney Spears has cow eyes and I'd date either of them. Well, not Brittney now that she's, how shall I say, reproduced and gotten mommy-weepy-clingy, but you know.
Britney does not have cow eyes. Cow eyes are pretty, and tilted down. We have discussed this.
ogged, you really have a problem. silverman is beautiful. geez.
May you never reset the TiVo, ogged.
This bestial discourse wears thin. Certain Noth-faced, North-Face-clad tufty sperm-heads might reserve judgment.
I'm not prejudiced, though. Some of my best friends are tufty sperm-heads.
For the record, Ogged is completely insane.
I can see being unattracted to a "bandwidth exceeded" button.
Huh. Which picture? It must be loading out of my cache. I guess I was the last one who got to see it.
"insane" isn't working for me.
No, it's just a referrer check. You have to copy the link location and open it in a new browser window/tab.
I want to find her attractive, I really do.
And, obviously, the abstract "is this celebrity hot" standard is very different from the "would you find this person hot in real life" standard, but Sarah Silverman looks like a monkey, dammit.
(I can see all the pictures you linked, apo.)
Ogged just doesn't like her because she looks Jewish.
I can't believe he had the further gall to call Jews monkeys.
You have to copy the link location
Thanks Ben.
We all look like monkeys, Ogged, what with being just one branch over on the developmental tree. Tangentially, is "banana-in-hand monkeys" some sort of traditional Iranian expression?
Why do Jews look like monkeys? It's a mystery.
[If you find this comment lame, note that it replaced a funnier, but unacceptable "your mom" comment. Thanks.]
is "banana-in-hand monkeys" some sort of traditional Iranian expression?
Not one I've heard, but it sounds like one I should have heard.
You're a credit to your race, ogged.
I just don't understand who you might possibly find attractive. Silverman's no Great Beauty, but in the normal world, she tends towards the warmer end of the scale.
This is terrible. I don't want to be that jackass who finds fault with otherwise lovely women, so he can pretend that he's some kind of connoisseur of women. Can we find some plain-looking but attractive women about whom we can all agree?
Apparently not. Or we could, if you weren't off your rocker.
I didn't think she looked like a monkey until I saw apo's second picture. Now I'm convinced.
Rules of the game here. Addendum: No Jews (though maybe it's really No Eastern European Jews, and thus already addressed).
some plain-looking but attractive women
Well, there's always that horse-faced Christy Turlington.
Woot! Thanks, Neil!
Smasher, you fucking apediddler, I'm trying to build a little comity here.
Hey, not everyone has read the site from the beginning of time. Note to newbies: I was engaged to a nice Jewish girl, who, somehow, didn't look like a monkey. Carry on, zoo boys.
I would mention, as bright candidates on whom we can all agree, our own occasional far-flung commenters, Sue and Catherine, but their looks far surpass "plain" in attractiveness.
Ah, the source of the antipathy revealed.
If fucking monkeys is wrong, I don't want to be right.
I don't want to be that jackass who finds fault with otherwise lovely women
How has nobody already written, "too late"?
I can't see how this turns into anything but a list of women and the animals they (supposedly) most closely resemble. Doesn't seem all that worthwhile.
I can't see how this turns into anything
What, this isn't one of those threads where ogged says he doesn't like something that is obviously intrinsically likable and the whole community chips in to explain at a rate of four comments / minute why Likable Things are Likable?
Okay, in the spirit of comity (or, perhaps, O-comity), I will stipulate that Silverman can look like a monkey, but again, that's one hott monkey.
I'm trying to find some common ground here, people.
Here: Charlize Theron, plain, but cute.
Kidding, monkeyfuckers, kidding.
Why is Susan going to kill me? Before she left the country for a more authentic swarthy male experience, I was trying to steal her away from her ape-loving boyfriend, remember?
Why will Susan kill ogged?
Profit!
I can't believe he hasn't used simian-sexer yet. That seems like the most obvious appelations.
72: obviously, I meant he was diddling apes on the side.
Ah yes, good point. She'll kill ogged, and fly into my waiting and unsmashed arms.
Thanks, Tim. I was working on a "simian-something" but that didn't come to mind.
73, hence I had to forbid Ogged as a blog-crush option when we were having those negotiations, though, of course, I didn't have to. (She chose Ben.)
authentic swarthy male
Oh right - I forgot it was an Iranian accusing others of being monkoloids. Carry on.
I meant he was diddling apes on the side.
You have to do it from the side. Face to face, they might crush you in a throe of passion.
76, certainly not the appelation your mom prefers, Ogged.
You guys aren't doing much for comity, you know that?
ogged's in serious hot water with the Greek goddess of monkey love, Troglodite.
Or her Oriental counterpart, Apeshtarte.
Sarah Silverman still looks like a monkey.
Which animal do you most resemble, Ogged?
off-topic (and a crappy cut-and-paste link), but still:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20051122/wl_uk_afp/qatarusbritainmediajazeera_051122073919
A fine question! Hmm...
I've been told that my hands resemble bear paws. I have a big nose, so occasionally I've gotten bird of prey comparisons. How about you?
Centaur, due to my rugged good looks and my enormous dangling participle.
Actually, I was born Year of the Monkey and have orangutan-colored hair all over my body...
Maybe that's why I find Sarah Silverman hot.
I do appreciate your attempt to grapple with this honestly, banana boy.
But which muppet does each of you resemble?
Truthfully, I've a bit of an obsession with monkeys.
I've got a thing for hairy ethnic girls.
But which muppet does each of you resemble?
Welcome to the SomeCallMeTim fetish thread.
But which muppet does each of you resemble?
In my case, it's obviously—hey, this is a trap, isn't it.
Fozzie Bear is perfect, Apo. "I've got a thing for hairy ethnic girls," was meant to reference my previously disclosed Iranian fixation.
SB, haven't we answered that?
Damn apostropher, trying to jump my claim. Even before SCMT mentioned the Muppets, I had been thinking of saying that my freshman year, all the jockish guys on the hall had been calling my "Foz" for a couple of weeks before I asked someone why and was told, "It's because you look exactly like Fozzie Bear."
Iranian fixation
And really, isn't every thread here the SCMT fetish thread?
You know, I never thought to worry about this before, but are there any female Muppets other than Ms. Piggy and Janice?
Camilla. But Sesame Street is a sausage fest.
If The Muppet Babies are canon, there's Skeeter, but that's probably not satisfying. We'd have to go to Sesame Street for Prairie Dawn and Snuffy's sister Alice. I'm assuming speechless muppets (e.g. Camilla) and cameo muppets (e.g. Meryl Sheep) don't count.
I'd have to conclude that the female muppet situation is pretty dire.
Given that Miss Piggy is more or less Kermit's willing concubine, I'm guessing that Janice gets lots of action.
The most disturbing thing I ever saw on the Muppet Show? Gonzo, slowly circling Big Bird (who was a guest) and finally deciding: "Statuesque, but definitely poultry!"
(The quoted phrase is now the canonical description, within my family, of Dr. Oops or any other attractive woman of her height.)
And apo? My firm's netnanny software blocked that link. What was it -- muppet porn?
Whoa, I forgot about Prairie Dawn and Alice. Stupid Republican war on PBS.
I quite literally LOLed (Laughed Out oud) on reading LizardBreath's 106.
This has been a comment in the style of Adam Kotsko.
are there any female Muppets
Sesame Street is a sausage fest
I'm a little surprised, at least at LB -- you have kids, right?
On the first team there's Prairie Dawn, Rosita, and Zoe; more obscurely Googel and Phoebe of the Monster Clubhouse; also Granny Fanny. Probably more.
109 was me. But I see Armsmasher remembered PD, anyway.
This has been a comment in the style of Adam Kotsko.
A++++ WOULD READ COMMENT AGAIN
Sorry, by Muppets I meant Muppet Show muppets. Modern Sesame street is certainly pretty gender balanced.
(My kids never got all that much into Sesame Street. It's changed a lot since the Seventies -- I have the strong impression that it isn't nearly as clever. )
LB, not Muppet porn, but I'm not sure how to describe it.
But I see Armsmasher remembered PD, anyway.
Ladies and gentlement Mr. Muppet Paul Deignan yay!
Er, Oout Loud.
Do you mean Oort Cloud?
Someday, we'll find it
The libel connection
Wally, the Bitch, and meeee
(Braces for impact)
Sadly, no.
Re: 122
That link leads to a close brush with your the worst comment ever.
So it does. I'm sure I've done worse since then, though.
Not that anyone needs to prove me right.
Sorry I missed the party yesterday - I was retrieving Sprog from college - but I'm suprised nobody mentioned that hot simian in the Planet of the Apes remake. Now c'mon, she looked like a monkey on purpose and she was HOT!
And, like apo, I too was born in the year of the monkey so I think that proves the point about monkey superiority.
And, like apo, I too was born in the year of the monkey so I think that proves the point about monkey superiority.
And here I thought that I was enough proof all by my lonesome.
And, like apo, I too was born in the year of the monkey
Yo también. Are there enough of us here to rename this place "Mineshaft of the Apes"?
