If you're in a situation where you cannot get out of sex
Something seems a bit wrong about that.
I'll reply the same way I did offline: everybody here should remember that any time you are in a room with me, you are in a situation where you cannot get out of sex.
So long as we're reposting emails:
God only knows why the end of the sentence "If you're in a situation where you cannot get out of sex" isn't "hit someone and run like a thief," but her meaning is still pretty clear.
How terrifying to be the girl in question! Some much older woman you don't know comes up to you and offers top have a frank conversation about sex: cue running and screaming.
I don't want to overreact, but the idea of a "situation where you cannot get out of sex" has a name: rape.
Here we go; is Armsmasher back from St. Sophia's yet?
Great, give away the secret life of our blog, guys.
Hey, let's rerun the entire email conversation:
LizardBreath sounds much more sensible than Sharon Stone, if you ask me. I'm bringing my hammer to Unfogged: Durham.
Kinda loses the sense of the joke without the intermediate link, Tia.
What about the construction "I'd like to give you a two-minute conversation"? Wouldn't a more appropriate noun there be "lecture"?
A little fairy
Didn't we decide on "priss"?
"Two-minute conversation" is secret code for "blow job".
Ok, I'll post my email too:
Apostropher, let's keep that drunken night of bliss just between us, ok?
Kinda loses the sense of the joke without the intermediate link, Tia.
It does not. What link? Are you just trying to convince everyone that the blog has more of a secret life than it does?
A little fairy
Little, along which of his dimensions?
Little, along which of his dimensions?
His soul.
"Isn't it time for a Two Minute Conversation(tm) of your own?"
Yeah, if you 'can't get out of sex' call upon the inner powers of the calabat and get the fuck out of sex.
Honestly, even though I'm sure apo will have a link that proves me wrong, no one has ever died of blueballs.
Hammers to the crotch prevent rape.
Here we go! Who wants to not get out of sex with Mutombo?
This email conversation being printed out of its original order is a bit like watching Memento.
I got out of the wrong side of sex with Mutombo this morning.
Apo, as much as you wish a hammer in your back pocket was a part of every conversation, the joke is perfectly sensicle with only LizardBreath's hammer involved.
Great, give away the secret life of our blog, guys.
Don't worry, Labs, I've only mentioned our affair by implication.
19 -- Is that Regis' new quiz show?
Tia is right!
So you guys, like, e-mail each other to decide what to post? It's not just unfiltered?
even though I'm sure apo will have a link that proves me wrong, no one has ever died of blueballs.
get the fuck out of sex
OxiClean helps.
26: Not usually. The linked article was emailed to all of us by a lurker, and chat ensued.
LOUD LOUD LOUD NOISE in the link on 27.
Our emails to one another are usually limited to exciting topics like a rise in comment spam and/or why the server is slow.
the joke is perfectly sensicle
A hammer to the sensicles helps deter unwanted sex.
Sensicle! Whimpsters have a pair.
Oh, and talking about Matt Weiner behind his back, of course. Not to make you paranoid or anything...
30: So, the lesson learned is: email the bloggers a link, get called a little fairy?
Blowjobs seems to be a Hollywood compromise of long standing. Supposedly the day that Marilyn Monroe got a contract, she said "Well, that's the last blow job I'll have to give in this town."
According to Bill Clinton and some Baptists, blowjobs are chaste. For big-time sin, penetration is required. (I have no information on the opinion of Cardinal Sin of the Philippines, however.)
If you really need to get the fuck out of Intercourse, AL, you can just take highway 17.
You guys just have no idea how much resonance the Mutombo references carry for me. No idea.
36 - Someone actually got pissed at me for that once. At an old job, where we still had paper paychecks, one of my co-workers came around on Friday to hand them out and I was in a weird mood and said something like "Are you the paycheck fairy here to give money to all the good little girls and boys?" and he was all "ARE YOU CALLING ME A FAIRY?!!?" and stormed off.
But, Tia, our affair is conducted entirely within blog comments.
email the bloggers a link, get called a little fairy?
I thought that made it clear who emailed it.
39: Do tell, ac.
Who wants to resonate ac the references to Mutombo?
"ARE YOU CALLING ME A FAIRY?!!?" and stormed off.
The fairy doth protest too much, methinks.
Man, if one of our commenters sexed Mutombo, that would be so, so awesome.
If you really need to get the fuck out of Intercourse, AL, you can just take highway 17.
Just be aware you'll be leaving someone with no way out of here.
(Though maybe he could manage to walk to Lancaster.)
We'd need a bigger word than "awesome" to contain what it would be.
Right, Labs, our affair is entirely conducted within blog comments.
IN MY PANTS!!1!
After the apocalypse we will all walk to Lancaster.
49: "lots of old-fashioned farming implements around"
ac's heading straight for the hoes.
And I'll be screwed.
It is rife with temptation over there.
We'd need a bigger word than "awesome" to contain what it would be.
__ ___ _____ ___ ___ _ __ ___ ___
/ _` \ \ /\ / / _ \/ __|/ _ \| '_ ` _ \ / _ \
| (_| |\ V V / __/\__ \ (_) | | | | | | __/
\__,_| \_/\_/ \___||___/\___/|_| |_| |_|\___|
There's also an Intercourse, PA and a Paradise, PA, all in the same general area.
('Remember, the time from Blue Ball to Intercourse may be delayed by a quaint Amish buggy.)
Not me, Matt.
It's a paradox
Like timeless clocks
Or egg-laying cocks
Does my awesome look like crap to everyone else?
We'll never get to Intercourse when all the laydeez just sail to here.
56: There are a couple of extra line breaks in it. On the other hand, your crap probably looks awesome.
Let us just say that Motumbo lives and breathes, and last I heard, had a loft in TriBeCa.
Your awesome is awesome enough, SB. I ♥ it.
The best part about that Dildo Island link is that the artifacts are knives and spears.
Mr. Bridgeplate: <pre> tags can, if used judiciously, be your friend.
OK, now I'm just completely confused by what ac is saying.
Sadly, Tia, I have to get back to work before this conversation reaches its natural destination.
Oh never mind. Guess I auto-pwned myself or something.
Mr. Bridgeplate
Assumes facts not in evidence, non?
Jeez, lighten up okay? I mean I said I was pwned didn't I? Can't get a break around here...
Big surprise. Labs getting ahead of himself. We haven't even been here yet.
If we hear the story, will we have to wash our brains afterwards?
I have to get back to work before this conversation reaches its natural destination.
The Coxsackie Reservoir?
On the other hand, your crap probably looks awesome.
I'm spflattered, apo.
71 posted without seeing 69. To be consistent, I will just have to pick on TMK relentlessly for the rest of the day.
We haven't even been here yet.
Start here and work your way up.
I ♥ it.
Thank you, Becks. I ♥♥♥ your decorum.
Okay, but after going through all that, I get to be here.
If someone were to mess with the stylesheet so that linebreaks in <pre> tags weren't so wide, that would be awesome.
Even though both "bone" and "gap" sound intrinsically naughty, I don't get it.
How great is it that there's a town called "Nether Wallop"? I didn't want to slip that into conversation-- it seemed presumptuous.
82: On second thought, SB, I'm not sure I do either. I will now attempt to develop an after-the-fact justification that is (a) manifestly ad hoc and (b) completely unfunny, as is my custom.
We should just go ahead and get this over with.
I totally want to live on Mt. Buggery.
80 -- I'm pretty sure the same thing could be said of <blockquote> tags, too.
That's fine; there won't be a problem
That's good, because it would be tragic if something of such legendary grandeur had to wind up here.
I'll put those all on my rainy-day list.
That's good, because it would be tragic if something of such legendary grandeur had to wind up here.
That reminds me, don't fuck with Procrustes.
More than just metaphorically, Labs.
90 is basically a "Bobbitt" joke, but with extra mythology—which, while adding pretense, adds nothing to the intrinsic lack of funny.
Tricksy Bobbitts! They wants to steal the precious!
I wonder if she gives the same "two-minute conversation" to 14-y/o boys.
OMG! If an Unfogged commenter sexed Mutumbo - cripes, that would be so HUGE that I'm completely at a loss as to appropriate behavior. I'm not really comfortable with promising that I'd set my computer on fire, but it would have to be that level of offering of thanks.
I know. It would be a very, very special day.
SomeCallMeTim Has a Comment
I have learned the secrets of the many abbreviations written on the Internet. OMG: "oh my ++Jeebus++".
How can I elaborate in this kind of atmosphere?
You shouldn't. You should email me, and I can lord it over everyone that I know and they don't.
I promise to be quiet and serious.
In great detail?
Or you could save it for tomorrow night at the meet up. I swear I wouldn't post about it.
About Mutumbo or burning computers?
97 -- I thought it was "Oh Miss Gladstone".
Speaking of the meetup, I might not be able to make it, I'm extremely bummed to say. I have to have an emergency rehearsal with someone and tomorrow night is the only night we could do it.
I might make the tail end, if it's still going on after 9 or so. Do we think that's going to happen?
God, I hope we're not so lame that we're all packed up and gone by 9. The last one also started at 6 but a lot of people really didn't get there until 7-ish. When did things break up? I don't recall.
They broke up at like 10, right? The bar kicked us out at 10. Because last call in New York, as we all know, traditionally coincides with the time my great-grandparents like to watch Lawrence Welk.
It's only for fear of disappointing you that I refrain from telling my rather removed and distant story about him. But you can discover the identity of the model for Motumbo by plugging the words "bou/doir swords/man" into google.
105: Too early. We didn't change bars even once.
At a minimum, you should caucus at the meetup and decide who will sex Mutumbo for the sake of Unfogged. All evidence is that he's straight, so it's time for one of you to take one for the team, BwOs and CwOs. (I'm not trying to push the committee's decision in any direction, but if Mutumbo lives in NYC - well, he has ties to DC, as well, and....)
take one for the team, BwOs and CwOs
Don't be such a priss, Tim. We'll play "Ask".
"bou/doir swords/man"
"Why are you smiling?"
"Because I know something you do not know."
So now Weiner is my matchmaker and SCMT is my pimp. Great.
An alternative to the plan in 111 would be to entice Mutombo to become a regular commenter. Then we could all collectively sex Mutombo. At the Mineshaft.
Dear Mutombo,
I represent the estate of the late Iranian blogger Ogged. I am writing to you with an exciting carnal opportunity...
The Independent (UK) seems to love the phrase more than anyone else in the whole wide world.
Even if no one here has sexed him, we sure have permuted his vowels.
You're thinking of Motownbo.
Tia, you're such a tease.
I hope the half hour you've now waited for me to get out of the bathroom has made you think better of statements like that.
112: Apo, I was trying to think of an analogous case for a straight guy, and I can't. It's difficult because, assuming the appropriate gender for the assignation, it's all to easy to imagine a guy saying "yes" in these circumstances.
"an analogous case for a straight guy"
I ♥ 120. My hat is off to you, Standpipe.
Thanks, MAE. I can't say how pleased I am at how much mileage we've gotten out of that.
I've got a story! About a person you may have heard of! And sex! But I won't tell it!
125: Not analogous. What's the story motivating you to sleep with her? Even if you didn't want to sex Mutombo, there's clearly a payoff in that you get to say, for the rest of your life, "I sexed Mutombo." And to any right minded person, that's just funny.
But you can google "infundibu/liform j/owls" to get a sense of it.
oh no, standpipe, you've said too much.
Weird. That never used to return any hits. The internet is catching up to me!
the person in question, [REDACTED], [REDACTED] me with a [REDACTED]; then I redacted him/her with a [REDACTED] [REDACTED].
and a pony.
the pony's name was Michelle Malkin. We never spoke again.
In reply, Tia, I punish you by spending forty minutes thinking about why concepts can't be prototypes. Victory is mine, or would be if anyone cared.
No one knows what a concept is. 'Concept' is philosophy-talk for 'thingy.'
So Labs is thinking about why his thingy can't be a prototype?
Hey, it's bphd's accidental goatse link. (I think. Not clicking, I'm at work. Both links in this post are innocuous links to the Unfoggedosphere.)
Oh, come on. You did that on purpose.
I just love that there's a theory theory of the structure of concepts. I also like this bit further down:
At present, the nature of conceptual structure remains unsettled. Perhaps part of the problem is that more attention needs to be given to the question of what explanatory work conceptual structure is supposed to do and the possibility that there are different types of structure associated with different explanatory functions.
In other words, what Cala said.
From boudoir swordsman to inverted sword swallower.
May I suggest a new thread or a way to get rid of Mike Furir?
I like that the theory theory's HTML anchor is a British dance band.
But really, aren't concepts just thingies -- IN THE MIND?
I remember a letter of John Jay Chapman's to William James making this very point, that he can't say what a concept is.
But really, aren't concepts just thingies -- IN THE MIND?
I'll make you fear bunnies, Weiner, I swear.
144: For every Mike Furir comment you have seen, there have been at least 500 caught by the spam filter.
I once asked a prominent philosopher what 'concept' generally meant and the response was something akin to 'Oh, hell, I don't know.'
'Theory-theory' denotes a confused a concept as 'concept': 'mental machinery...prediction thingy' is pretty close, and it would help if the literature were at all consistent.
Has anybody's math eye seen a pattern to the numbers? not that mine has, but I'm always aware that there might be one.
150.--I was almost curious enough to click on one of his links. Almost.
148 - How did you post that, Apo. I set up any comment with Furir in it to be junked.
Apparently the same way I just posted 152. Damn plugins!
150 - You'd need to see the several thousand that didn't make it through to tell whether any pattern existed.
151 - That's the most annoying thing; the links don't even go anywhere. It's just a parked godaddy.com page.
Hey you Colleens, of which I think there are several present, I could use some advice:
For the last several hours, I've had a corned beef boiling on my stove. 'Tis a bit of an experiment, it is. It's soon time to add potatoes and cabbage. How much of the cabbage core should I cut out? I was thinking of quartering them, like me Mum did.
I qualify by ancestry, but don't know from boiling cabbage -- my parents had issues with the odor. Quartering sounds reasonable, though, leaving the core intact to hold the quarters together.
152 - From what I can tell, SpamLookUp doesn't really work consistently.
It was falling, too, upon every part of the lonely crockpot on the stove where Mike Furir lay buried. It lay thickly quartered on the kitchen counter and its core, on the spears of the little fork, on the barren tines. His soul swooned slowly as he heard the cabbage falling faintly through the universe and faintly falling, like the descent of their mechanical commenter, upon all the corned beef and the spam.
I'll never question the authority of the text again.
I'd forgotten the name of the boy she saw by the gate, and how his number was different every time she looked.
and it would help if the literature were at all consistent.
Ahahaha..ha....ha.....eh....*sigh*.
Next up, we'll discuss seventeen unrelated uses of the word "externalism."
Try not to coin any new uses of "externalism" on your way to the parking lot.
"Seventeen" doesn't prompt that joke.
I was thinking of a different Mutombo altogether. Never mind.
"Seventeen" doesn't prompt that joke.
It's not my fault that Labs didn't set it up right.
Apparently I failed to understand all the layers to a comment that is now gone. I thought it was just a reference to a movie.
You can make your comments fancy with tags like <this> and </this>. But it doesn't work if you instead make a fish, like </this<. When you make a fish, Jesus eats your comment.
Thirty-seven?! (In a row!) Labs, you whore.
I hate philosophical jargon. I can't remember it, and everyone uses it poorly. Although it is a good way of getting more publications, I guess, trying to figure out which of the seventeen people are talking past each other and which think they're disagreeing but really agree.
I was thinking of a different Mutombo altogether. Never mind.
Cover-up! We citizen-journalists will connect the dots, never mind the "official" "denials."
There is no Mutombo but Mutombo.
And his full name is Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo Mukamba Jean Jacque Wamutombo.
I thought it was just a reference to a movie.
Defying all odds, that's even more disappointing than the yogurt story, ac.
I should have known Mutombo couldn't be in TriBeCa. He's playing in Houston.
Way too late for the cabbage now, but for future reference;
- In Ireland we'd usually have a boiled bacon joint. Corned beef is an Irish American thing.
- Also in my family anyway we boil the cabbage separately, at the last minute, leaves being all stripped off the core rather than all together. I think traditionally it used to be cooked in with the joint but I've never seen anybody do this.
- Spuds would definitely be boiled in their own pot. They are generally boiled with the skins on but this might only work properly for the varieties popular here (Irish people like potatoes to be floury, not waxy).
Everything that people say about Dikembe Motumbo is really true of Shimange Biakabatuka.
His true names is Tshimanga, supposedly. Some call him Tim.
Shimange Biakabatuka
Some call him Tim. Tshimanga Biakabutuka, that is.
Society's prohibition against same-sex marriage makes me sad, because it means that Boutros Boutros-Ghali will never be able to marry Reuben Boomtje-Boomtje. Because somebody somewhere should be named Boutros Boutros-Ghali-Boomtje-Boomtje.
I'm Sorry I Did Not Sex Motumbo
(a prepared statement, by ac)
No, I did not sex Motumbo. No one of my acquaintance has sexed Motumbo. Neither did we sex Mutumbo, Motomba, Matumbet, or anyone else of that general description. The tragic misapprehension upthread is the result of my inability to catch basketball references, however low the actual athletic content. This was further complicated by my inability to understand a previous Motumbo reference, which happened, fatally, to link his name to a film. Your confusion at the turns of my Motumba story cannot exceed my own; I wondered greatly at everyone's excitement over a reference to an obscure art film. The rhetorical pitch of 95, for example, should have alerted me to some glaring error on my part. I apologize for any hurt and dashed expectations caused by my mistake. I hope you can forgive me. At least we can all take comfort in the preservation of the mystery of that eternal question, "Who will sex Motumbo?"
It took a lot of courage to write that, ac. I'm sorry you lost your chance to blog at the Washington Post over this youthful indiscretion that hateful leftists have trumped up into something much larger than it really was. But that's just how their parents raised them. We should feel pity, not anger, at their adolescent rantings.
Also, Boumtje.
I take enormous solace in the fact that you spent this week bashing me, instead of Motumbo.
Thank you, apo. I am humbled by and grateful for your support.
Depending of course on where you work.
I think it's very big of ac to offer that apology when really it was Ben w-lfs-n who inserted all the Mutombo references into her posts. She resigned from Unfogged when Ben was promoted, you know.
And to all the haters: many of us, when younger and less wise, made the mistake of not sexing Mutombo. Cast out first the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother's eye.
planting and rearing the oaks which are to compose its beams and stanchions. You take over all such supplies ready hewn, and choose by preference time-seasoned timber.
That's a pretty abstruse way of talking about sexing Mutombo, but OK.
(187!)
The yogurt story wasn't so bad in the end, was it?
The yogurt saga is one of this blog's triumphs.
Indeed. Although I like to think of the possible world in which it was presented as a Two-Minute Mystery:
Something went wrong involving a blowjob and some yogurt. What was it?
A man is covered with copious amounts of white goo. His girlfriend is mortified. What happened?
#172:
Thank you. Oddly enough, the solution which, by that time we, arrived at was close to yours: Cabbage leaves pulled from the core and steamed separately, potatoes boiled separately in their skins, meat left alone.
But the one-pot meal has a pull for me that makes me keep thinking about it. Some are good, some are not. Corned Beef, potatoes (ordinary potatoes, peeled and usually quartered) and cabbage (chopped in half along the core, no other trim) was what I grew up with. Probably not as good as I remember it.
192: My brother has some nice recipes for pot roast on his blog, Better than the Rest(aurant)
191: He was making marshmallows!
172: What, praytell, is a bacon joint?
Other than god's greatest gift to apostropher, of course.
It's really, really hard to light.
P.S. I especially like the "primal loin of bacon".
Odama metrius morzero
