Hey, I could really use the concept of the polite fiction in my work, I think.
I dated a girl named Ali Davis. I don't think this is her. Would've made things much more interesting if it was, though.
I dated a girl named Ali Davis. I don't think this is her. Would've made things much more interesting if it was, though.
I don't know why that double-posted. The "Happy Fun Page" cat is awesome, though.
In this marvelous age of e-commerce, why do people still rent porn?
read further, joe, and you'll learn that some people have made a sexual fetish out of the renting process!!
They're the smart ones—the gov't doesn't care what you rent. I get all my marital aides on beta.
7: Do you mean beta-max, the slightly-superior video recorder format of the eighties? Did you get a deal, do you prefer old skool?
The alternative reading is a porn tape "in beta," that hasn't got all the kinks worked out yet. Might be interesting.
5: Possibly because they're a bit nervous about giving out their credit card info online to shady porn sites.
Why would anyone want a porn tape with all the kinks worked out?
No wait, the kinks haven't been worked out as in perfected. OK.
Yeah, beta-max. We just called it beta, back when I was, oh, zero.
So I'm finding the clerk stories totally riveting. Perhaps this is a sign that I'm deeply procrastinating on whatever it is I ought to be doing, but I think it's that they're really good.
Wow, I had read these ages ago and something reminded me of them the other day, and I hadn't yet gotten around to Googling them. Thanks, Mysterious Alameida!
Shorter Matt W: I'm only interested in adult video rentals for the plots.
I had thought of WMYBSALBing Michael, but decided not to. But you, you, eb, you get the WMYBSALB.
I thought we had discussed these here previously, but unless it's fallen into the mysterious googleyahoohole*, I guess it was somewhere else. Hmm.
*When I typed this, I was pronouncing it google-yahoo-hole, but I've decided I much prefer to pronounce it googley-a-hoohole, because it sounds vaguely dirty.
Just be glad I didn't use your last name, Weiner.
Googley-a-hoohole is how I read it, too. Awesome.
googley-a-hoohole
Embarrassing, snorty, stifled laugh: 1, SB: 0
I'm pretty sure that she's not correct about the hand sanitizer breeding resistant bacteria. Antibacterial soap can lead to resistant bacteria, if it contains antibiotics. But hand sanitizer contains straight alcohol, which physically destroys bacterial cells. Or something. Right?
I think I mentioned this at BitchPhd's blog, but I used to be a video clerk too, and in a similar-type store: mostly regular rentals, but with a room in the back for porn. I don't have the detailed stories that Ali does, but one memory will always stay with me, and that is the Editing of the Cover Boxes.
Whenever we got in a new box of porn that had been vetted and approved, we had to edit the cover boxes to remove nudity. This was because the owner of the store didn't want some kid wandering into the back and being traumatized by 18-Inch Cocks, Barely Legal Boobies, or whatever. But we HAD to display the boxes, or else how would the porn customers know what "John Wayne Bobbbit, Uncut" was really about?
First we tried using a black permanent marker to cover up the naughty bits*. But the cover boxes were glossy, the ink took forever to dry, and our customers discovered they could easily scratch off the marker to reveal all. Ditto with colored tape, of course. A regular ballpoint pen was more permanent simply because, if you pressed hard enough, the pen would penetrate the glossy veneer and scratch out the offending pictures underneath.
This realization led to the final solution: an exacto knife. Though I work in design now (for a museum, even), I first used an Xacto knife in my local neighborhood porn store, cutting the genitals off of many oversexxed coeds. At first we did it wantonly, with some anti-porn clerks cutting off the entire front of the box in their ruthless efficiency**.
But for many of us, it got to be an art. How closely could you trim that penis? So that the outline of the head was still visible? Bravo! Were the darker nipples, but none of the peachy breast tissue, extracted? Could you cut it so that the butt cheeks were still fully rounded, but the dong that penetrated them showed up only as virgin grey cardboard?
Oh, the exacting nature of the Xacto! We spent hours removing the image itself but leaving its afterimage burned onto the box much more permanently than before.***
*What constituted "naughty bits" was controversial, but it came down to female nipples and genitalia of either sex. But NOT pubic hair or butt cheeks, since you might see those at a public beach.
**I remember one such anti-porn maven who was so frustrated at one cover box because there was nothing to edit. It showed a woman w/ her breasts covered by a scant bikini top and her crotch covered by a man's head. The action was quite clear, but as per our rules, nothing offensive was in view. Made me smile every time I saw that box, though (or didn't see that box, as it were).
***I don't know what this says about my sexual- psychological makeup, and I don't want to know, thank you. Also, I think this entire comment is some sort of metaphor for the porn industry, but damned if I can articulate it exactly.
Also, I'm an idiot. Until this visit, I never realized that my hometown's Friendly Neighborhood Video Store had a porn section and we've been going there for over 10 years. I always thought that unmarked door led to a stockroom.
Did you take advantage of your newfound knowledge?
...rather, it has come to her, unbidden, in the form of gifts.
(Doorbell rings.)
Who could that be?
Well, hello, Magi!
(Brmp-chicka-chicka-brmp-brmp-chicka-chicka)
28 seems unecessarily carefully worded. As if the "never rented or purchased" is meant to given an impression that, while true, is not in accord with reality.
I'm guessing it's "never rented or purchased" but "have stolen a complete library" and "have filmed a number of amateur productions."
I have never rented or purchased porn.
I can't say never, but not since they started giving it away for free on the internet.
I always thought that unmarked door led to a stockroom.
No, no. It leads to the $0.07 abortions collated while you wait store.
Was it in Ohio somewhere (or maybe Indiana?) where a community banded together to defend a local porn store or theater from being replaced by a big corporate chain?
I'm pretty sure that she's not correct about the hand sanitizer breeding resistant bacteria.
Yeah, so wrong. I was also thinking, how is mixing that wad of goo with alcohol gel and rubbing it all over her hands and maybe up the wrists make Ali feel less icky?
A non-porn corporate chain. I heard the story from someone living in Ohio at the time, but I don't know where he was from.
35: You can save a little if you get double-sided abortions instead of single-sided ones. Helps the environment, too.
In 28, I meant that I have never rented or purchased porn, nor even had porn in my possession. I did have a boyfriend once who bought a porn movie that he thought would be fun to watch together but it was so bad (not bad=nasty, more like bad=pathetic-and-not-in-a-funny,-ironic-way) it left us both not at all in the mood and, actually, a little depressed for humanity. I have seen a decent amount of (male) gay porn because one of my lab partners in college used to have that on pretty much 24-7 at his place in the same way someone would leave a TV or radio always on in the background. One of my grad school friends was an amateur composer and sold a few of his songs to porn films.
That's pretty much the extent of my experiences with porn.
41: Dude, why do you have to dispel every mystery?
The comment linked in 42, along with this one, may be my favorite Unfogged comments about sex ever. Especially if you throw in "bashful offering" from later on in the second thread.
29:
I never thought this could happen to me...
But, it did. I swear! Big ol' garbage bag full of tapes.
OK, some of them didn't work; and the rest made me wish they hadn't. It's still a true story.