Also: don't look in mirrors under flourescent lights.
Absolutely. What is with changing room mirrors/lighting? They're guaranteed to up anyone's ugly quotient by a factor of about four.
Gnarled is worried about looking cruel when in her mother's age, so saying no one will notice it in ten years is misreading her, I think.
Sure, but I meant to address that in my last paragraph.
Readers and co-bloggers
Yeah, I think Alamedia really is your only hope on this, from the co-blogger front. LB and I pretty much have the same depth of knowledge about beauty routines.
Some people do look cruel, or at least strict and unfriendly when they have a neutral expression, but it's not a huge deal if they have a friendly demeanor.
I am in my mid-twenties (or, erg, almost late twenties), and my advice would be to drink more water. Real wrinkles are caused by changes in the skin and underlying muscle & collagen, and there's nothing to do about that short of botox. But if you're a bit dehydrated, your skin will feel dry and less elastic.
I've also heard that the best way to tell how and when your wrinkles will show up is to look at your parents. I also agree with LB that the wrinkles don't look cruel or happy or anything else absent knowledge of the person's personality.
Retin-A is your friend. I used to have a huge line between my eyebrows from squinting and the Retin-A cleared it right out. The dermatologist is also your friend, since the good stuff is prescription.
Also, the water thing is important, too.
(Continuing 5)
...although, you never know. Apostropher could pull something surprising out of his back pocket.
I heard from someone authorative sounding, can't recall who, that those facial muscle excercises hollywood stars used to do (still do,?) really work pretty well in keeping your face young.
I wonder why Gnarled chose to write LB?
In keeping with the all Wodehouse, all the time theme of the blog, there's a Wodehouse story in which a young man discovers his fiancee alone in a room repeating the letters "Q....X! Q....X!" over and over to herself, and assumes she's gone mad. Turns out that she is doing facial muscle exercises.
I thought that was all nonsense, but I really have no idea.
BTW, I assume Gnarled doesn't smoke. Just sayin'.
those facial muscle excercises hollywood stars used to do (still do,?) really work pretty well in keeping your face young.
I hear they get some good results with photoshop, too.
11: It was forwarded through Tia, who's taking a hiatus of indefinite duration.
would it kill you to smile once in a while?
And push your hair out of your face. You're so pretty with your hair pushed back.
would it kill you to smile once in a while?
Actually, those lines are caused by smiling. Stop showing all emotion! Except with emoticons. They don't cause wrinkles.
Some moisturizers really do work, yeah; they won't reverse reality, but they'll improve the condition of your skin and make you look better on a day-to-day basis. But the specific problem of the nose/mouth fold (which has a name that I've forgotten) isn't so much a superficial wrinkle thing as an underlying muscle/face shape thing. My mom's got bitter face too. Scary!
But I figure that yeah, you'll get the line, but how it reads is going to depend on a lot of other factors. Like if you have happy smile lines at your eyes or the corners of your mouth, it might just make you look distinguished or serious or intriguingly filled with an awareness of the tragedies of life despite your apparent joie de vivre.
They cause a tendency to get calabatted, though.
Except with emoticons. They don't cause wrinkles.
In a better world they would.
I am thinking of marketing a line of cosmetics with Ann Coulter and Madeleine Albright as their spokesmodels, under the slogan "Cruelty Without Beauty".
Actually, those lines are caused by smiling
If they're caused by smiling, why are they in the shape of a cruel sneer? It's like looking at some handprints in your cement and saying "actually, those are caused by dog paws".
1. don't look closely at your skin under flourescent light, f'realz. that said, the wrinkles you notice there will become more visible eventually (but likely not for many many years). that said, I first noticed that nasolabial wrinkle on my face when I was 15, because I was vainly inspecting my complexion in full sunlight. (me to mom: I got my first wrinkle! mom to me, actual quote: shut the fuck up!) it ain't shown up yet.
2. OK, I'm personally a bit lazy about sunscreen because I have olive skin, but it's widely agreed by all and sundry that daily, religious use of sunscreen will forestall wrinkles.
3. if you're really are caring about it, do go to the dermatologist and do the retin-A thing, or whatever else she suggests (in the topical line of things). it does work, but you will need to be extra good on the sunscreen front, and some people's skin proves sensitive.
4. short of getting the presciption stuff, the big secret of skin care is that the mid-range, popular lines like Olay and L'Oreal use really cutting-edge sciency ingredients and actually work quite well. the very latest fancy discoveries are to some degree dominated by the high-end lines, but the stuff filters down in a short time to the affordable lines, and much of the price on the real spendy stuff is just marketing and bullshit. olay's "regenerist" line is excellent and not too expensive. good eye cream!
5. microdermabrasion facials are supposed to help around the margins on wrinkles like this, so might be worth a look given that these are obviously in a barely nascent stage. there are at home versions, less effective but much cheaper and you can use them more frequently.
6. when you're 40 you can try pulsed lasers. that would be cool. by then they'll have something even more awesome, though, so this isn't relevant.
7. drink lots of water and get plenty of sleep. getting regular exercise is great for your skin, or just have sex a lot. or masturbate a lot, and cut out the middleman! (crying not required).
I don't think water does that much. It's all about staying out of the sun.
and not smoking.
25's number four is very true. The mid-range stuff in the drug store is almost as good as going to the origins counter and giving them a kidney for a tiny vial of some cream with a silly name.
26: All I know is that I look like death warmed over if I'm dehydrated and/or hungover, and the wrinkles seem to be worse then.
If they're caused by smiling, why are they in the shape of a cruel sneer? It's like looking at some handprints in your cement and saying "actually, those are caused by dog paws".
Unlike cement, your face has muscles under it and is in a different position in repose than when receiving the impression of the underlying tissues.
This has been, "why your face is not like cement." Please feel free to ask other questions of Dr. Science.
also, if you really eventually end up with folds that you actually think make your face look cruel, then you can go to the plastic surgeon. they'll be a million times better at it by then, anyway.
I gotta say, I use the fancier stuff (Dr. Haushka, Primavera, Jurlique, Clarins) on the grounds of the animal testing thing. I'm fine with testing for AIDS drugs, but--call me a PETA-head, I don't care--not so much with blinding bunnies so that the sun damage from my foolish youth will be slightly less pronounced.
Water in fact helps a lot.
Also, being slightly dehydrated makes you grumpier, increasing the frownification.
The only moisturizer I use is a little tub of Burt's Bees. It's light and unscented and doesn't test on animals, if you worry about that, but it isn't an anti-wrinkle cream. (I rely on the genetics of thick facial skin.)
Oh, and get good genes. That helps.
I think the difference between people with these wrinkles who look sour and people with these wrinkles who look jolly is that the former people let their cheek muscles fall slack as a default position.
I'm very suspicious of Retin-A, which changed my sister's skin for good when she was a teenager: her olive pimply skin became pinkish skin prone to deep acne. Maybe it works for some people, maybe it's helpful in small doses, but that's some serious chemical shit. My father, a chemist with beautifully tanning skin, is similarly suspicious of sunscreen; he keeps muttering about photochemicals, but I can't figure out whether he's just slipping into cranky-old-manhood.
alameida's suggestion #4 is very good.
What is this pulsed laser good for? Superficial wrinkles or the real gravity jowl thing? I thought about getting this laser heat thing that's actually supposed to tighten up your face, til I heard about a friend of a friend who got burned by her doctor and had to wear dermablend for a year. Also, another friend's mother got one of those thread facelifts? And it came out great, but: creepy.
I think lots of sleep is always a good policy, but interestingly, whenever someone says to me, "you look really tired," it's always on a day when I've just gotten more sleep than usual (usual is 8.5 hours).
I think the difference between people with these wrinkles who look sour and people with these wrinkles who look jolly is that the former people let their cheek muscles fall slack as a default position
indeed, and one of the reasons why some people let their cheek muscles fall slack as a default position is that they are always bloody giving the scunner's eye at something.
I was thinking of the thing where they stimulate collagen production with lasers. the heat thing sounds creepily like you are cooking your face and getting to tighten up like a chicken breast, but it supposed to work. the thread things, again, creepy, but if it looks great? I only know a few people who have had stuff done. it seems like a time in life where its really worth shelling out for the best plastic surgeon ever, on personal recommendation from someone who looks incredible.
the former people let their cheek muscles fall slack as a default position
'TF? So when my mouth is closed, I'm doing something wrong?
Thanks for all the suggestions. In fact, I don't smoke, and I've recently begun drinking more water, though that has its own attendant problems, since more than once in the past month I've stumbled off the subway fairly desperate to pee. I'm rarely in the sun, but I should be more disciplined about daily sunscreen than I am. I do wear it sometimes though. And I'm a very smiley person. Slolernr 1, dsquared 0.
Y'know, I don't know anyone who's had plastic surgery, with the exception of one family member who had a boob job.
36: I have milkmaid skin anyway, so I never thought about Retin-A changing the skin totally. I had to go on Accutane for a while because my skin is so fair a single pimple may as well of had a giant neon sign saying BLEMISH HERE with an arrow pointing to it. This is also why I avoid the sun like a vampire.
I think we have covered the 'no smoking' tip with every poster. hee!
I know that you can tell if your dog is dehydrated by pinching the skin at the neck. If the skin fold snaps back into place the dog is not dehydrated, but if the skin fold stays pinched you want to get your pup some water. That seems to be evidence for the 'drink water' side.
So when my mouth is closed, I'm doing something wrong?
No, just lazy.
by pinching the skin
Works with people, too, only it's the back of the hand.
I've been using stuff from The Body Shop's Vitamin E line for the last few years, after Trish McEvoy stopped making my favorite moisturizer (that stuff was expensive but the best ever). Is the Olay and L'Oreal stuff really that good these days that I should consider switching? It would be nice to be able just to pick stuff up at the drugstore.
Re: sunscreen, I really like Kinesys's Sports Sunscreen Fragrance free/Kids version. It's got nice silicones in it which makes it a good base for makeup, and I'm more likely to reapply it outdoors. And I can use any moisturizer I want underneath.
I bought mine online from a discount beauty place. Actually, I bought rather more than I needed to get teh free shipping.
36- I refuse to wear sunscreen b/c I am suspicious that it causes cancer and various other ill-effects. My family think I am crazy for this and will consequently die young (as I have lilly-white skin), but oh well. I just don't like slathering weird chemicals all over my face and body.
You know, I've looked sorta sour when having a neutral expression since my mid-teens.
I've had beauty on my mind all weekend from the conjunction of watching "Little Miss Sunshine"* Friday night and starting to read Look at Me this morning.
I want to say to Gnarled don't worry about it, wrinkles and creases are attractive -- but it seems like that would be presumptuous when I know my position on wrinkles and creases is a minority one. I don't see how cheek folds would make you look cruel but this is probably due to a failure of imagination on my part.
*This is the movie that everybody here should watch -- the movie we have been waiting for.
So when my mouth is closed, I'm doing something wrong?
I wish I could show you this book I had the misfortune to read at a young age. It was an illustrated guide for aspiring ballet dancers put out by ABT, and it micromanaged every aspect of your body, including your face. The proper muscular engagement of one's cheeks to denote "active attention and seriousness of purpose" entails a kind of pre-smile, just kinda lifting up your cheek muscles directly under the cheekbones. And the idea was that if the young dancer learned to do this, eventually it would become second nature!
Please don't think I'm advocating this level of self-consciousness, though.
A-and spread sunshine all over the place
If you want to crease up your face.
52: I suppose it's wrong that I immediately starting hunting for a copy of that book. What was the name of it?
49.--If you can point me to any rational explanation of the dangerous chemicals in sunscreen, I'd be grateful. (I can't wait to explain "self-tanning lotions" to my paranoid chemist father; he'll blow a fuse.)
52: Seems like cheekbone implants would be less trouble. Ballet = insane.
While we're on the subject of skin things, I've started getting loads of moles all of a sudden. I never had them before but the last few years I've gotten a bunch. They aren't big scary bumpy witch moles or anything, they just look like oversized freckles. Is there anything one can do to prevent these? Or should I just start talking up Rachael McAdams as the standard for feminine beauty? And "stay out of the sun" isn't going to help much - I'm a vampire as it is.
Early in college, when I was playing in a hardcore band and a lot of our fans were younger than us, Susan used to say that she'd look around and notice that guys would stare with their mouths open. By her estimation, men learn not to casually gape by sophomore, maybe junior year.
A lot of it seems to be genes, tbh.
My father, in particular, isn't much wrinklier now (he's 56) than he was when he was in his 30s. Balder, yes. But his face essentially looks the same. He smokes and there's zero chance he uses any kind of facial care products and he's still much less wrinkly than most of his contemporaries..
This chap -- http://www.flickr.com/photos/85361107@N00/215119512/ -- is quite wrinkly but not so much when you find out he's 92. Again, he'd scoff at the notion of skin products.
However, sun exposure seems deadly. People I know who were heavy sunbed users or spend a lot of time baking themselves brown on foreign beaches all seem to look 20 years older than their actual age. Ditto heavy smoking.
re: 42 - looks like you've got a cruel smile then. that's bad luck.
I'll see 57 and raise: I have some moles that produce unsightly hairs and it is a sheer delight to pluck them with tweezers.
The anti-sunscreen b/c chemicals thing completely overlooks the fact that you can get sunscreen that's mineral, rather than chemical, in nature.
sunscreen that's mineral, rather than chemical, in nature
You mean like resting in the shade of a boulder instead of sunbathing on the lawn?
re: 62
Yeah, 62 seems to be using one of those wierd new modern understandings of 'chemical'.
Winna, it might have been this one, but it's a hazy memory: virtually all I remember is "pictures!" "ABT" and "wait, I'm supposed to worry about my face muscles too?!"
mineral, rather than chemical, in nature
Unfrozen caveman dermatologist take big flat rock and bang dents and wrinkles smooth again.
looks like you've got a cruel smile then. that's bad luck.
Worse luck than a Robert Barro smile?
I'm just a caveman dermatologist! Your pharmaceuticals frighten and confuse me.
I assume 61 was meant to be sarcastic but I get a weird amusement out of plucking hairs. There's something satisfying about seeing how much of the hair was below the surface (usually a lot).
I have "sensitive skin" so I went to a very good dermatologist, and I found this to be a wonderful face cream: MD Forte Replenish Hydrating Cream -- kind of expensive, yes, but the little 2 oz jar lasted a surprisingly long time. Smoking and sun are the worst things for your skin. As far as where the lines form, I really don't think there is anything you can do about it, so just deal with it. Getting old is not for sissies, as my mom always says...
I've never heard of drinking water to not get wrinkles. Are you sure it's not a myth, becuae it sounds a bit like a myth, but what do I know?
#67: see this is why I don't buy the "faces aren't like concrete" theory. I come from a long line of smirks, and they etch themselves into the lines on your face. My dad had a smirk that you could bury a nickel in.
Thanks!
It's a shame I can't do anything but fall asleep during ballet, because you've got to admire anyone willing to destroy their body for art's sake.
Now that we're 70+ comments in, can we all promise not to make fun of people for being overly concerned with looks, or at least temper criticism of the market for providing beauty products and the images to sell them?
71: The water doesn't direct stop wrinkles- it keeps your skin elastic so that it doesn't simply fold and not snap back.
There was some article a year ago about how you get the face you deserve as you get older, one that reflects if you smile or sneer a lot, etc. I can't think of where, but I think they cited actual scientists.
60: I am sunny and fucking beaming you blighter.
69: No no, 61 was meant in earnest. I was being sheepish because I assumed that I was part of a perverted minority.
B was talking about titanium dioxide and and zinc oxide. There's also makeup powder taht's supposed to provide soem sunscreen protection. It's generally called mineral makeup. Soemtiems it's very dry looking or it can be shiny if it has bismuth oxychloride in it.
Oil of Olay has come out with some stuff that's very good, but the regenerist line is not cheap. Drugstore stuff isn't always cheaper than soem of the department store brands.
Alameida, is it true that Shiseido makes less expensive liens for the Asian market?
Some healthfood store brands are really nice and moderately priced, but Dr. Haushka, which B adores, is obscenely expensive.
The other thing that can be helpful is good exfoliation. Salicylic acid also known as beta hdyroxy acids is the principal ingredient in most over-the-counter treatments to keep your skin clear. (All fo those products work by eitehr keeping the pore clear or killing the bacteria. If you've got blackheads, as opposed to pimples, the problem isn't really bacterial.) Alpha hydroxy acid, principally glycolic acid also boosts collagen production. I think that Lactic acid is a polyhydroxy acid, and it's supposed to be gentler than glycolic acid.
Paul Begoun--who is generally annoying and preaching--makes very nice alpha hydroxy and beta hydrox serums and lotions.
Becks, moles have sprouted on me, too. I had them checked and the doctor said not to worry, that this sometimes happens, and I won't turn into a giant mole.
Water doesn't stop wrinkles, but neither does face cream, so it all works out.
"preaching" s/b "preachy." Her site name, cosmeticscop, is super-lame too, but those exfoliants are popular for a reason.
Dr. Haushka products are made from plants that are not only grown organically and harvested on a schedule calculated by arcane physicks--Dr. Haushka plants are sung to.
#77 if you are only in your twenties there is still time to start smirking. C'mon, join the winning team. Now that you are not in school there are surprisingly few adverse consequences.
At some point someone needs to quote Coco Chanel, so I'll do it:
Nature gives you the face you have at twenty. Life shapes the face you have at thirty. But at fifty you get the face you deserve.
"deserve" s/b "can afford"
83: Surprisingly few consequences my ass. I've had a partner stop a meeting to ask why I was 'doing that' with my eyebrows. (He was telling my team to rewrite a brief in a manner that was incorrect according to the law I'd just spent a month researching, and saying things like 'It should be more swashbuckling! If we're going to go down, why don't we go down big!' I was thinking: 'Howsabout we skip the drama, and just win the motion,' but hadn't realized that my thought process had made it to my eyebrows.) That was years ago, but I still put a fair amount of conscious effort into remaining expressionless in meetings.
I've had a partner stop a meeting to ask why I was 'doing that' with my eyebrows
yeh, that happens to me all the time. I find that a useful response is along the lines "because you are talking like a cunt". Potentially adding "Sir" if it seems necessary.
If clients are present there will usually be an aftermath, in which it is a useful defence to say "well, I may have called you a cunt while clients were present, but you were the one talking like a cunt while clients were present; is that OK?".
Obviously stockbroking and the law are different industries and American and British business etiquette is bound to differ so you will have to do a bit of adapting but this is the general framework. I think I am going to start my own advice column.
I think I am going to start my own advice column
"Ask a Welshman"
Re 79, alpha hydroxy makes skin super-sensitive to sun.
to start my own advice column
How to get Fired, Punched in the Gut, and/or Kicked to the Curb, While Keeping a Smile Smirk on Your Face.
I think I am going to start my own advice column.
Just so long as it doesn't cut into your commenting time here at Unfogged.
"Ask a Welshman"
How to get Fired, Punched in the Gut, and/or Kicked to the Curb, While Keeping a Smile Smirk on Your Face.
No.
"Why You're a Cunt"
I am trying to picture what my boss would do if I told her she was talking like a cunt. I think she might breathe fire.
94: Come on winna, say it to her. Don't be a pussy.
I sometimes smirk while playing cards. People then accuse me of cheating. It's all in good fun, of course, but it does mean that they take care to cut the cards when I shuffle, which makes it almost impossible for me to cheat effectively.
Gnarled, I have some stuff you can have if you want to try it. They're serum-based skin treatments from Primacy: Serum 20, C+E, C+AHA, and Phyto+. Different things work for different skin types, and when you figure out which elemental things work for you, then you can choose a cream or whatever with the same properties. Like, it would really suck to spend $70 on a AHA treatment only to find out that AHA makes your skin curl up and die.
I will gladly hand them off to you because my skin is super-weirdly porous and overreacts to everything.
L.'s right about alpha hydroxy acids making your skin sensitive to the sun, but we've already stipulated that you've got to wear sunscreen every day. And I'll add that you should probably wear a hat on very sunny summer days. Just use the AHA at night.
I think it was my firm before last that had the really serious bad language culture. It did get pretty extreme. I was by no means the first offender. But anyway, re #94, if you're scared, try sweetening the pill with a little humour, like saying "just because you've got a patch of fine downy hair above your lips doesn't mean you can talk like etc etc etc".
Of course, I say all this as someone who happens to think wrinkles are really wonderful, and that even "unfortunate" wrinkles look pleasant on a pleasant person. I exclusively treat breakouts.
62- Ok, I'm unfamiliar with mineral sunscreens. I know you can slather plain raw coconut oil on yourself and that's supposed to do something, and I wouldn't expect that to be harmful, but that's not really my cup of tea.
But part of the point is that sunscreens are bad (chemical or not) because they block the sun. And sunlight prevents skin cancer. I think. I can't say I have good evidence to support this, but there are definitely crazy people on the internet who say this, and that's good enough for me. I used to wear sunscreen on my face every day; now I won't even wear it to the beach.
My dad's always been in Brock's camp on the sunscreen, and I've never gotten into the habit of wearing sunscreen as a result, unless I'm at the beach (because I turn bright red) or it happens to be in a moisturizer. I also suspect that there's more to the skin cancer thing than sunshine, but that's just idle speculation.
I used to wear sunscreen on my face every day; now I won't even wear it to the beach.
Ok, even though I'm somewhat sympathetic to your position, you've excluded a middle. People who take the subway to work in an office don't really need to wear sunscreen moisterizing lotion everyday. But there's pretty good evidence correlating skin cancer and multiple, severe sunburns; you want sunscreen and a hat if you're about to spend six hours on a beach.
72: I want such a smirk!
74: No, we can't; because part of why we're worried about this nonsense is because we've been taught to be worried about it. So there.
82: Whatever. It's cheaper than Clarins (which btw is *awesome* stuff--if you ever take Accutane, I highly recommend their old-lady night cream which completely saved me from the usual insane parchment face one gets from the drug). And it works well, and it's not making all sorts of insane ridiculous claims about reformatting your face or wtfever. And it smells good but not perfumey. So there.
Although I recently was given a sample of Jurlique recovery serum or some such b/c I am *finally* getting the dry patch thing on my cheeks (due to lack of drinking water, btw), and dayamm. I've avoided that brand b/c it *is* insanely pricey, but I'm impressed.
There's also some new stuff out that's actually tested in double-blind controlled studies. I think it's associated with Johns Hopkins. I must admit, the fact that it actually makes claims that have some evidence behind them, rather than being mere advertising nonsense, intrigues.
I'd echo most of the things said in this thread, and even the bit about plastic surgery. If there's something you've noticed in your family that really annoys you, it can be great to get a subtle lift that just takes care of it. My mother did this because she knew how all the ladies in her family got a "turkey neck" of loose skin. When it started on her sometime in her early 50s, she started asking around about good surgeons in town. The final results are very subtle, I often forget that she ever had anything done, but she seems really happy with it and there is no turkey neck.
Also, L'Oreal and those large cosmetic companies are almost scarily high-technology. My ex majored in Biology at MIT, doing a lot of biochem. I remember joking with her that everyone just went for a PhD or a pharma job if they couldn't get into a good program, and she replied "Nah, L'Oreal hires a lot of the best graduates."
103- Oh, you're right. I should have said that I also try very very hard not to let myself burn at the beach (or anywhere else), by seeking shade, etc. And actually, if I was certain to be stuck outside, I would ideally choose to put on sunscreen over letting myself get severely burned.
Let me tell you, as someone who grew up in a sunny clime and tanned: the sun will fuck up your skin. I'm starting to get these appalling pigmentation patches on places like the tip of my nose and right at the hairline--places where sunscreen usually misses--and they ain't pretty. In fifteen years I'm going to have those awful age spots. Wear the fucking sunscreen. Once again, most of your organic or health food type sunscreens are mineral-based, if you've got some hangup about the chemical thing.
I will say, though, that Clinique makes a fabulous sunscreen (not for the face) that *sprays on*.
There's also some new stuff out that's actually tested in double-blind controlled studies.
I saw these products at Sephora the other week. While I'm happy that there was actual research involved at some point, the result in the store is a blitz of statistics that mean nothing to me (37% improved elasticity! 52% increased smoothness!). I liked the idea when I heard about it on the radio, but in the store, it just comes across as another advertising gimmick.
Most sunscreens and moisturizers smell bad in an overprocessed way.
The Kinesys I mentioned above is an alcohol-free spray-on.
My sister who wants to be an actress abused ehrself with tanning. I have always avoided it. Hmm.
I don't wear Coppertone, but I have a certain fondness for the smell. It makes me think of the beach.
My sister who wants to be an actress abused ehrself with tanning
I've never done it that way before!
What Dr B said. Too much of this gets you this.
Clarins is very good for a lto fo things, and it is not always that expensive. There are deals ot be had on teh Internet. Clarisn doesn't crack down on where their products are sold in quite teh same way that Estee Lauder does.
I used to use the Clarins self-tanner which was pretty good.
Has anyoen tried the Olay "Touch of Sun" stuff. I'm not looking for serious self-tanning. I'd just like to keep my legs from being terrifyingly pale. The effect I'm going for would still be considered pale by most people, but it wouldn't be ghastly pale: nobody would run screaming at teh sight of my legs.
"Ask a Welshman"
I think you mean "Ask a Combative Welshman".
I was thinking more of "Ask A Cunt".
My face, in repose, looks bored. This evidently bothers some people more than if I were frowning. Negativity they can deal with; indifference makes them crazy.
Re: staying out of the sun: My baby sister tanned with Hamiltonian diligence in her youth. I stayed in the shade. As a result, she's had Botox and Restalyne and Retin-A and glycolic acid and enough dermabrasion to skin an elephant, as well as a judicious bit of tucking around the throat. When we're together, people peg us as sisters, but assume she's the elder.
My secret? Olive oil soap, Kiehl's moisturiser and lots of sex. [I hear that the Bathory Method works well, too, but has fallen into disfavour, what with the expense of importing Hungarian virgins and all that tedious explaining to the plumber why the drains are full of blood.]
As a man with the facial skin of a baby's bum, let me pass on my beauty tip: I never let anything touch my face -- not the sun, not water, not cream, not nothing. Don't ever wash your face, that's the answer. Just carry it through life untouched, except by the hands of your lover.
not the sun, not water, not cream, not nothing
But what about Labs' cock?
As a man with the facial skin of a baby's bum, let me pass on my beauty tip: I never let anything touch my face
Except babyshit.
The genitals of your lover have, of course, a rejuvenating effect on facial skin. I believe that's why gay guys have such good skin -- all that jism over their faces.
I believe that's why gay guys have such good skin -- all that jism over their faces.
So now I'm confused. Do you let them suck your cock so often as a public service, or just because you're so attracted to their good skin?
Alternative 122: So how come your mom's face is all wrinkly, then?
(Nothing personal, AA, but we all have an obligation to make cock jokes here on Unfogged)
I think if you made a facial cream out of jism -- say, harvested from 12-year-old shepherds in the Urals -- you'd have a winning formula that women all over the world would glob all over their mugs.
On the sunlight/cancer thing, I read every now and then that there's a tension between avoiding skin cancer (stay out of the sun/wear sunscreen) and producing vitamin D (get more sun) with significant antioxidant and thus cancer-preventing properties. I don't think I've heard it claimed that sunlight *prevents* skin cancer, just that you can trade off some inscreased skin cancer risk for decreased other-cancer risk, and that as skin cancer is generally very treatable, it's a good tradeoff to make.
Of course, all of this assumes that you're trying to live a long time, rather than leave a beautiful corpse.
jism . . . harvested from 12-year-old shepherds in the Urals
I'm thinking your dream job will get you thrown in prison, Adam.
I even have a name for a Jism Facial Creme: New Skin 69 (or maybe simply Sperma).
And a slogan: Treat your skin to the essence of life.
The bottle should be in the shape of a penis, with a penishead cap.
Now all I need is a backer, and teams of teenage boys to jerk off in bottles for inclusion of their essence in New Skin 69.
A beautiful corpse wouldn't be such a bad thing.
Everyone could gather around my coffin and murmur brokenly about how it was such a pity that someone with skin so lovely was not immortal. Possibly someone would speak about how my skin could have launched a thousand ships, and the cost of my monument could be paid for through a grant from Estée Lauder.
That would be kind of neat, though I'd not be there to enjoy it.
127: I hope you don't plan on making a film about "The Making of New Skin 69". That too will probably get you in clink.
And not that I approve of your business plan, but your slogan could be:
We put the facial in facial.
or
This time, get a REAL facial.
And on the further subject of unguents on the skin:
It appears that woad contains a significant amount of glucobrassicin, a glucosinate that may help prevent breast cancer. I call on all of you to paint your breasts blue with woad. [That includes men; it can happen to you.] Face painting is optional, as are kilts, swords and attacking tourists.
So where would you get woad anyway?
132: All over your breasts. Duh.
"Delivers the facial."
Awesome celebrity endorsements.
jism -- say, harvested from 12-year-old shepherds in the Urals
You know, it now occurs to me that, once you're in the Urals, there's no reason to harvest semen only from the shepherds. There's all those rams around too. More sources of production, and Adam and Emerson could both follow their respective blisses. Totally win-win.
Face painting is optional, as are kilts, swords and attacking tourists.
... are you trying to take my freedum?
