It may be a California thing. We all wear spandex.
where is le w-lfs-n? i feel like chatting w/ him online. as i am massively drunk.
Terrific. Hott.
Unrelated to anything, triple shots of rum are terrible/awesome.
Hey! There be Catherine. Yes, aren't we all.
woooooo matt f.! glad you got home okay. my bad on a couple of those shots. OR NOT MY BAD. woo rum. oh christ.
Safe and sound. And apologize not, it is only Becks and her non-standard measurement strategies that ought be noted.
I'm terribly disappointed. No one seems to care about my needs. Since 1959 I'v been reliving traumatic memories of bullying at the hands of someone very much like Ogged, and with the help of Ben and Bitch I had been hoping finally to find closure. You wouldn't have thought a little pantsing would be too much to ask.
Yes, everything is about me. Quit fighting it.
like it that everyone is posting Becks-style. except Emerson. maybe.
Yes, I am remarkably cogent and sane today.
I've been mostly Beck's-style since about 1975, so some of the distinctions made around here have little meaning to me.
I've been mostly Beck's-style since about 1975
Two turntables and bestiality.
Also, the correct description of the events recounted is that ogged ordered the exact same thing that I did, but he did it (temporally) first. I obviously get logical priority, plus probably temporal priority as I'd decided what I wanted like the day before.
The truth is that Ogged and Ben are almost exactly alike, so of *course* they'd order the same thing. I think they may be twins. Also, because the last time I met Ogged he complained about not being able to see my tits, I deliberately wore a very tit-revealing dress, which I notice he hasn't even *mentioned*. Hmph.
B, you big slut, did you just violate the sanctity of the offblog communication again?
Actually, you didn't, because what I wrote you after our previous meeting was, "I totally forgot to look at your breasts."
Oy vey.
Yeah, Mr. "I have something of an eye" for hardbody Marines "forgot" to look.
This was a few weeks after surgery, Militiaman Swift. I totally did look last night, but was trying to be classy about it. Always a mistake around these parts, I know.
That's what you get for not pantsing him, B. Disrespect for your boobs. You thought being Ms. Nice Guy would get you somewhere.
Hey ogged, when you were sitting there with w-lfs-n and forgetting to see the apparently conspicuous breasts at the table, did the word "dreamy" come to mind? Even "'dreamy'", perhaps?
John, I think you should track down your ogged-like oppressor and administer a payback smackdown, like the Timothy Daly character in "Diner." I would gladly chronicle such a quest. As the Boswell to your Johnson, so to speak.
You know I won't stand for having my rigorous heterosexuality questioned. I forgot to look at her breasts when I was at death's door, but certainly did look last night, thinking, "nice shape, bigger than I expected, a touch on the visibly veiny side, but overall, worth trying to hit that double."
The Ogged-like oppressor has already died and I'm unwilling to follow him into the afterlife. He died before Ogged was born, and I recently realized that Ogged is, to all intents and purposes, his reincarnation.
What about the unusualness she brags about?
OMG, now I'm all confused. You may actually be heterosexual.
22: You realize that you must now administer the smackdown to ogged if you wish to be released from your cycle of suffering. You missed your best chance during his convalescence, of course, but you mustn't shrink from your spiritual duty.
I've learned to delegate, but not every subaltern is a usable one.
" worth trying to hit that double."
Does that mean (a) worth trying fo breast sex, (b) worth trying to have sex twice, or (c) worth trying twice as hard to have sex?
Also, if "hit a home run" means "have sex," doesn't that usually imply kissing ("single"), breast fondling ("double"), and below the waist action ("triple") as well. So isn't that really "hitting for the cycle"? And does it make sense that hitting for the cycle would be easier than just hitting a home run?
Tim, could you translate that into soccer for our European audience?
Pardon the interruption...
and it's off topic:
#2 Nice site. Enjoyed the post on The God Delusion. Am threatening others to pick up a copy for future discussion.
I'm not sure sports metaphors translate well to non-sports, Emerson.
How ashamed should the Redskins be if they lose to the Titans?
Wow, my little site trumps Dr. B's bosom, even momentarily? I've hit the big time, baby!
P.S. Thanks, anonymous commenter.
Well, if it's any consolation, sir, I happen to pack a set of 38D's and find their significance transcending that of God's possible existence as they are God. Yes.
You are welcome and I shall return again.
Becks and her non-standard measurement strategies
Not "non-standard". More like a sliding scale.
Has Tim really never heard of getting to second base? Didn't we actually have a discussion about this metaphor before?
Tim just prefers his sexual metaphors to come from basketball. Also all his other metaphors. Actually, he would probably be happier if all anyone ever talked about were basketball.
Right, but w-lfs-n, hitting a double and getting to second base aren't quite the same thing. I was pointing that out (badly).
I don't think its fair to take off points for veininess. As far as I can tell, it just happens to women who nurse. Perhaps it should even be celebrated for that reason.
Also, apropos of veininess, I want to send traffic to this post at my site, perhaps at my own expense.
I cannot endorse Rob's theory of rutabagas.
I think hitting a double should include getting to first with two babes at once.
See, I don't really follow baseball enough (at all) to criticize, but I think hitting two singles in a game is significantly better than hitting a single double. Really, we need to bring w/d's baseball knowledge to bear.
I think hitting a double should include getting to first with two babes at once.
No no no, that would be equivalent to hitting two singles at once. Both are things nobody has ever done.
Is it more like copping a feel without kissing first?
Along the lines of 43: Have any of you guys (or ladies, I suppose) ever been in a situation where you found yourself going down on a woman without so much as removing her bra?
44: There are too many self-incriminating ways to respond to this question.
47 is actually correct. The situation in 44 only makes sense (in fact only becomes notable) in the context of the "youth group scholasticism" of relative degrees of sexual contact -- ranking them in a hierarchy, then drawing a line beyond which it is no longer permissible to go (while not entirely excluding the interesting stuff).
Things involving breasts are lower down the scale than things involving the genitals, and hence would naturally be done first.
Curse you, Dobson! When will you stop running my life?!
44: Probably. Not on a first date, of course. But wouldn't you want to mix it up once in a while?
45 is cheating.
44 is possible, I suppose, but the boobs are just too convenient for the fondling in such situations, so it's hard to imagine a situation where they weren't at least groped a bit first.
43: No, I think I fucked everthing up. I suppose getting to second base and stopping is the same as hitting a double. I was thinking that if you hit a home run, you would say you touch base at first, second, and third, but you wouldn't say that you hit a single, double, and triple. The latter set implies you stopped at the named point, I think. Hitting for the cycle would have to involve four different women, I think.
44: Yes, although it's possible this response is obviated -- in some way I don't understand -- by 48.
52: Why not just four different occasions with the same woman?
51: Actually, with the Christian girls, naturally their guard will be up around the breasts (since they have this hierarchy in mind). Going straight for the pussy is a way of getting around this -- it completely upsets the established hierarchy, and her defenses, always half-hearted in any case, are completely thrown off.
At its worst, this strategy leaves the male partner unsatisfied and the female partner unwilling to talk to the male partner for the better part of three years. At its best, though, it's magical.
Someday I'll develop a mode of seduction that doesn't rely so heavily on the element of surprise.
Hitting a single might be a fine thing for the ego -- and the stats -- but it's not worth a damn thing unless you can get to second base somehow: either by stealing or other advancement (sacrifice bunt, maybe). And then being on second only really matters if you can get to third, etc. Left on base is an ugly stat -- sure there's plenty of it in every game, but it's never the goal when you step up to the plate.
Even when one hits a double, one goes to first base first.
Normally F. Winston Codpiece III would talk about this stuff instead of me. I don't know where he is today.
Do you mean without your having removed her bra, or without her bra having been removed at all (for instance, the invisible hand of the marketplace could have done it)? What if she weren't wearing a bra?
52, 54 -- Implicit in these answers is the presumption that one only gets to bat once per game. Whereas in real life, there are new at-bats in several innings. One may not get 4 runs in a game -- not regularly anyway -- but there's no reason not to think about more than a single time at the plate.
58: The main point is that her breasts remain essentially untouched in this scenario. The bra imagery was used for its vividness, and it seemed appropriate given that most women tend to wear a bra on a date, at least early in the relationship.
being on second only really matters if you can get to third, etc. Left on base is an ugly stat
I believe this evinces a lack of imagination. If you can get to second base during, say, an IRS audit, no one is going to ask if you made it to home. Context.
61 -- Yes, and actually, even getting struck out looking is still better than sitting on the bench. Or in the stands.
59: So hitting for the cycle implies four different discreet interactions, right? You couldn't do it at an orgy, for example. That seems right. And it has to be limited to a single day, I think, which explains why you couldn't hit for the cycle with a single woman.
Pro-forma kiss at the end of the day is getting walked?
what real-world repercussions were discussed and who took what positions?
At its worst, this strategy leaves the male partner unsatisfied and the female partner unwilling to talk to the male partner for the better part of three years.
There's a line in the book High Fidelity where the main character likens the strategy of going for the pussy after having been (repeatedly) denied access to the bra as something like having been denied five pounds, asking for fifty quid.
But I do remember the Dobson line drawing and the steps of intimacy. It starts with.... eye contact.... and reads like bad erotica.
59: So hitting for the cycle implies four different discreet interactions, right?
Although you might have more success if each action is discreet, if they're indiscrete, how can you even be sure they're four in number?
I resent this metaphor. what am I supposed to be, the fucking field of dreams? I've had someone go down on me without taking my clothes off, and then had sex with someone else the same day. how am I not scoring in this situation, eh? was I just hosting games? I guess my nominal boyfriend at the time did have home field advantage, but it obviously wasn't doing him all that much good.
63 -- [drunk commenter disclaimer]
Nothing about getting a walk means you can't steal second, during the same inning. As for the 'different discreet interactions' requirement, you've got plenty of ways this can go without involving more than one opponent. Before dinner, after the movie, in the movie, on the way home from the restaurant, etc, etc.
I'm convinced by ogged's 61, though: you can get to Cooperstown doing your best at every at bat, even if you're only getting on base a third of the time, and only getting a run a quarter of the times you get on base.
I guess my nominal boyfriend at the time did have home field advantage, but it obviously wasn't doing him all that much good.
I think this has been demonstrated by some of the sabermetric geeks.
68: Also, given the difference in ability to control the where and when and how often of sex, I think the game metaphor for women is "Home Run Derby."
65: The 13th step of physical intimacy is ass-to-ass.
what am I supposed to be, the fucking field of dreams?
This is awesome, but by the terms of metaphor, clearly you were the neighborhood softball field.
Of course, I, personally, find the metaphor sexist, juvenile, and distasteful.
what am I supposed to be, the fucking field of dreams?
I like the double duty the word "fucking" is doing.
alameida gets it exactly right. And hell, not only have I been gone down on while still wearing a bra, I've had sex (gasp!) while still wearing a bra, shirt, and sweater. So.
And yeah, it's distasteful because the goddamn woman doesn't get to score. In the right circumstanced, getting someone to touch your boobs is an advance for you, not them. Then again, I'm a seductress, so what do I know?
Does anyone have the nerve to explain to Alameida that she is, in fact the Field of Dreams?
What's she going to do, take the baseball and go home?
Football metaphors are more fun because you can debate the nuances of what it means to be inside field goal range, what constitutes a touchdown, and what comprises an extra point.
[Joke based on "If you build it, they will come."]
Just remember -- God is a slam-dunk full-count grandslam on fourth-and-goal in the bottom of the ninth.
I have never heard of football metaphors for nookie.
There are nookie metaphors for the quarterback-center relationship.
Yes, but that's nookie as a vehicle for...oh, never mind.
If they guy leaves the bra on, either he really likes your bra, or he doesn't like your boobies, or he's inebriated.
Unless it's one of those situations where you both still have your shoes on.
Sometimes the guy just forgot to write "take bra off" on his to-do list.
i was picturing the bra - and nothing but. hmm.
92: Not in front of anyone whose breasts you're hoping to fondle, it shouldn't.
fine. "fun bags" s/b "titillating tetons"
89: bras, traditionally worn, aren't like socks, JM; you can take them off and keep your shoes on.
Actually, with the Christian girls, naturally their guard will be up around the breasts (since they have this hierarchy in mind). Going straight for the pussy is a way of getting around this -- it completely upsets the established hierarchy, and her defenses, always half-hearted in any case, are completely thrown off.
Counterintuitive, but very true. A surprising number of those types can also be talked into showering together. No joke.
I'm telling you Teo, get thee to a church. Low hanging fruit.
Someday I'll develop a mode of seduction that doesn't rely so heavily on the element of surprise.
It won't be as much fun.
I'm telling you Teo, get thee to a church. Low hanging fruit.
What excuse should I give for why I'm there?
94. or "lavish lusty love lumps". your preference.
Claim to be "searching" -- just "searching," not "for" anything. You'll seem to be "deep," and women with a desire to save people (viz., women in church) will naturally tend to want to hang around you, for your own good of course.
God, why don't I go to a damn church?!
98: you were filling unfulfilled in your highly successful career as a porn star.
What excuse should I give for why I'm there?
Make up something, like how you "felt drawn" to the place. Or that you were walking by and "had a feeling" you should go in. Christians love that Prompted By The Spirit thing.
What we need here is data, Michael. You're going to need to conduct a rigorous survey of women's reactions to these terms--mind you, they should be women who might ordinarily have been somewhat willing to show you their breasts, just to narrow the set a bit--and then get back to us with your findings. I like bar charts.
God, why don't I go to a damn church?!
Good question. Aren't you a theologian?
Teo, you could just mutter about the "love of little apples" in a low voice.
109: Would this help my chances of getting laid, or do you just think people should use that phrase more?
welcome to double-entendre land, teo. your stop!
There's a requirement in 104 that, sadly, means the study will likely be a good while in coming.
I appreciate your concern, folks, but this thread isn't about helping me get laid. This thread is about helping Adam get laid.
Aren't you a theologian?
It's better not to go to church so I can be ... um, more objective or something.
100 and 103: Is this advice for when you make the surprise pussy ambush, too?
I'm off to the laundromat. Take care.
Isn't it the purpose of Unfogged to ridicule people about their love lives or absence of a love life (whichever comes first)?
Or are starting to give actual well-intended advice? God, I hope not.
Teo, if Michael is unable to fulfill his duties as a statistician, could you see what sort of a sample you can obtain at the laundrymat?
I don't think I've ever taken anyone's advice in terms of getting laid. I've just kind of winged it.
(Wung it?)
68 says many important things, and perhaps should be elevated to a main post.
Still, I should remind you of the wisdom of stummer/jones: "a genuine lover takes off his clothes, and he can make love in a thousand goes." We've all had sex without removing this or that crucial item of clothing, but that was always a flaw, wasn't it? It would have been better if we had been more naked.
115: "Hang on a second, I'm searching."
that was always a flaw, wasn't it?
Not necessarily. Sometimes it meant I was in Duke Library or a stairwell or some such.
It would have been better if we had been more naked.
Always? Perhaps this is a difference in taste.
It would have been better if we had been more naked.
A woman's voice, is such rarest flower. But I pick it. Vlad picks, petal from petal, until you are nudest you are ever being.
Until you are so nude.
I used to joke with my ex-girlfriend that if after sex we found that I still had my socks on, that meant I was "still a virgin."
Ha ha! I don't understand what she saw in me.
could you see what sort of a sample you can obtain at the laundrymat?
And, bonus, the mason jar is an automatic conversation starter.
122: But wouldn't the moment have been better if you were naked in the Duke Library stairwell? I mean sure, there would be consequences and all. But the sex, it would be better if you were naked.
124: w-lfs-n, I have more trouble figuring out what the hell you are talking about than anyone else at Unfogged.
No. helpy-chalk is teh wrong. There is something to be said for having sex when wearing only a skirt, and nothing else.
Also, porky-piggin' it is sometimes hot. It's got a certain domesticity about it.
Porky-piggin' it: Nonpantsed with a moustache.
Your confusion is the seed of a thousand memories, rob.
132 was posted before I saw 130. Now I'm trying to work out the negatives.
130: Not necessarily with a moustache. See 1.
134 posted before I saw 133. Now I'm trying to figure out why anyone would voluntarily use such an unflattering euphemism.
130: Are we bringing the Dirty Sanchez back into the conversation?
I briefly dated a linguistics major at the University of Chicago who wrote a paper about the Dirty Sanchez. This alone almost made me want to continue dating him.
helpy-chalk: you are so wrong. having sex with most of your clothes on because you couldn't wait to take them off or are in some not-totally private place is hott. the dirty sanchez, on the other hand, is just gross.
did you just violate the sanctity of the offblog communication again?
I'll do whatever it takes to get you to pay attention to my tits, baby.
Speaking of which, a touch on the visibly veiny side? Others have said this, but 1) baby; 2) pale skin. This is a bad thing? I think we should have a second opinion. Ben?
I was far too entranced by the cultured yet irreverent conversation to gawk at your mammaries.
Speaking of off-blog communication, btw, we so totally were *not* arguing about shielding people from offline repercussions. I'm all for that. All I had said was that I didn't think there was a wall between on- and off-line life; what I was thinking of is that I've liked everyone I've met offline pretty much in the way I thought I would from getting to know them online.
Why must you twist compliments into arguments, hmmm?
I'll give a second opinion, 'cause can talk and gawk simultaneously. You have great tits, B.
send all those pics to b00bies at unfogged.com, which w-lfs-n will surely shortly be setting up, and we can all judge.
No, no. The boys were too chicken; surely you don't expect the girls to be more forward? That would be unladylike.
151: Playing chicken with the cock?
But if the ladies showed us up by being more forward, it would like totally strike a blow for feminism and stuff.
146: Then we were talking about different things, because, as you'll recall, I specifically mentioned Tom H/lde.
I'm not entirely sure that there's not already a titshot of me floating around the internets somewhere. Thanks, Jason Fortuny and your ilk.
See, this is an example of the double negative = positive rule not working. "Not sure there's not" is not the same as "sure there is".
Apropos of nothing, really.
In every base/out state two singles are worth far more than a double. This is relevant more from the perspective of evaluating individual players than a team's performance as a whole, but obviously one of the great things about baseball stats versus those in other sports is that you can meaningfully, though probably not completely, divorce a player's performance from their team's.
B., have you given up smoking yet? 'Cause if not, I had some delicious cigarettes last night that I think everyone who appreciates the finer things in life (and smokes) should try.
My link actually falsifies my claim, but only for one situaton.
155: Yeah, I do, and yeah, we were.
159: Alas, I picked it up again (a few a day, I swear!) which Mr. w-lfs-n did complain about, mightily.
Now that I've dealt with the baseball part of this: the 28-29 year-old (age estimate not exact, but I can't be far off) elementary school teacher I was talking to at 3:15 last night got up and left when one of her friends said, "Hey, [name] we're going." This is after she was making eyes at me across the bar for a while, was rubbing her leg up against mine once I moved over to talk to her for a couple of minutes, and a couple of other, "Hey, I'm interested" signals. I'm left to conclude that the fact that I thought it would be fun to talk to her for a while rather than just making out in the middle of a bar un-sealed the deal. I've been frustrated about this all day and probably tomorrow too, despite not being particularly attracted to her in the first place.
Bars really are terribly places to meet people.
I've been frustrated about this all day and probably tomorrow too, despite not being particularly attracted to her in the first place.
Those are the worst, especially because it makes no real sense.
No, it probably just means she was trying to hit on you and her friend got impatient and she's being frustrated about it all day too.
Next time, when the friend says "we're going," make sure and get her number before she's dragged off.
making out in the middle of a bar
I've only seen very, very drunk people do this. Were you very, very drunk?
Revising 158 again, it's actually two situations. Apparently my mental "doubling a number" module wasn't working.
163: I deny that there is a better place to meet people at 3:00 AM. I doubly deny that there is a better place to meet people at 3:00 AM which serves alcohol.
165 and 166: Thanks, both of those are (differently) helpful.
167: I've seen people do this who don't meet your description. Also, we didn't make out. Finally, no.
168: You crazy yanks with your make-out bars, in which one can't smoke tobacky.
I deny that there is a better place to meet people at 3:00 AM.
Have you tried the internet?
Have you tried the internet?
He's not a lawyer yet, dude. Give him some time.
Perhaps people should not be met at 3:00 AM? Because even optimally, still terribly?
Making out in bars is fun, but when the bar is very crowded, it's hard to enjoy it as much. I think there should also be a hard line drawn between "making out in bars" (good) and "putting a hand up a chick's skirt in a bar" (not good). I feel like, if you're that far into things, you should be in a cab on your way to someone's place.
In the cab, the line shifts from "hand surreptitiously up skirt in a cab" (good) to "trying to have intercourse in cab" (not good). The latter makes me feel for the dude who has to watch drunk people doing it in the rear view all night.
Anyone who thinks bars are not good places to meet people has been going to the wrong bars.
Also, 143 gets it right.
yeah, people shouldn't have sex in cabs. it's rude.
175 -- I am hoping "cabs" here refers only to taxis, and not to the front bits of tractor-trailers, which seem to me like a totally ideal locale for intercourse.
You're making too big a deal about this. A lot of cabdrivers don't speak English well at all, so they're not really aware of what you're doing.
175: So I believe. I used to work in an office in the middle of a big truck park. Los of post-sexual litter most mornings.
177: Are they blind too? Shouldn't be driving, then.
A friend of mine tells a story about driving a car with another drunk pair of friends of mine (a couple) in the back where things went along the lines of 175. He claims it was one of the most embarrassing moments of his life -- both the fact that they were at it in the back of his car and also that they were oblivious to his increasingly strident attempts to i) get them to stop, without ii) paying too much close attention to what they were doing.
Foreigners have no conception of "bad taste" or "rudeness". It's wrong for us to assume that The Other is the same as we are, or to impose our own ethnocentric values on them.
ttaM, there's a song about it.
100: Does this really work? I'm a Christian, and I go to church regularly, and I would run from this sort of person so fast. I do realize, hiowever, that "christian girl" is a term of art, and that I am not a "christian girl."
Isn't Teo Jewish? That might make it harder for him to explain his presence in church--unless it was an interfaith gathering.
John's right. Moreover, most foreigners that drive taxi cabs are from places that don't believe in pre-marital sex, so they really have no idea what's going on.
B. That would imply "don't believe in" as in Santa Claus. Surely most of them don't believe in it as in "throw rocks at them if they do it", so they probably have a pretty good idea what's going on, and it would be wise to stop.
182: Like the mainstream media, I believe that nutjob evangelical Christians are the only ones worthy of the name "Christian."
Foreign cultures just have no concept at all of "extramarital sex". We're just lucky that foreign cultures have an OK concept of "taxicabs", or we'd have to walk everywhere.
sex in the back of a police car is, however, strongly recommended (if not without consequences)
182: They might want téo in order to bring about the second coming. If they save his soul, they're one closer! (I expect this is an extremely minority view among Christians, as even my lunatic wingnut (I say this with all the fondness I can muster) is weirded out by the 'must-convert-holy-land' zombies.)
the second coming
Not so fast! He's still working on the first.
sex in the back of a police car is, however, strongly recommended (if not without consequences)
I usually prefer to just pay the speeding ticket.
Don't Christians use virgin Jews to make communion wafers with?
sex in the back of a police car
I've gotten stoned in the front seat of a police car. Cops get the best weed.
Wait, I was in the back seat. My friend was in the front passenger seat.