Ogged, I forgot to mention something about my test results. Check your gmail.
Becks, it has come to my attention that I might have sent you a picture of Martin Lawrence's cock instead of mine. Hopefully you haven't put the scrapbook together yet.
Dsquared probably thinks Britney and Paris aren't real either. They're just as real as the Ministry of Silly Walks and all the rest of traditional Brit culture, thank you.
Oh my god. Am I totally lame if I didn't like the comments about how awesome it is, on Wonkette? Poor girl. Jesus.
It's a wonder to me that this doesn't happen every day on that ridiculous mailing list. What are the odds that someone in the social circle that reads Late Night Shots will date someone who is not in that same social circle?
Do you guys just think it's fake because there's no way it could be true, or because those don't seem like real things people would do?
What is the motivation for such a hoax?
I think that people here are defensive because it hits a little too close to home. I know what you guys are up to.
I'm not saying that it's actually any specific individuals from Unfogged, just the kind of thing that might happen to someone here. Or to anyone without a strict no-relationship policy.
Fake because the woman's reaction is too exposed. Do they have emails? Because she'd email, or say "email me at", or just go and get Plan B. But I'd expect that most people would find her position humiliating enough not to publicly claim it.
For those who are unable to follow Emerson's policy, I suggest dating only married women or lesbians (or the equivalent for your gender and sexual orientation). Although one does occasionally end up having sex, the odds are greatly decreased, meaning less worry about STDs and pregnancy.
11: LNS community knows that Wonkette posts their stuff, it's possible that they would leave titillating stories around just for the pleasure of having them reposted. The advantages of having people think your social scene is made up of people like this, though, is not entirely clear.
Is it wrong that when I saw this posting on Wonkette, I came right over to Unfogged to see if it had made it here yet?
I'd prefer to think it was fake, but no reason to doubt it, given the other excerpts from that website. Why the need to go the extra mile with "bad in bed" and "bad conversationalist"? Doesn't saying you don't want to see her again sink the shiv in far enough?
I really want this to be true, and will continue believing it, but the names are also a bit too perfect to be real: "plan b" and "oh god." Anyway, if this hasn't happened yet, that's all the more reason to try.
17: Is it possible that the names were changed by Wonkette, or wouldn't they have mentioned it?
I'm still trying to figure out what a "Turbo" is.
16: I was taken in at first because after all, this is the forum that had "I raped my girlfriend and now she's being all weird" guy. But what LB says seems right.
Has anyone here ever had a condom break in such a way that the man would be the only one in a position to know about it?
16: Other LNS dialogues reposted on Wonkette would tend to indicate that, no, just saying you don't want to see her again would not be enough.
I was thinking 12, but then her first response was simply the fastest way to get the information, and the second response can be explained by the amount of emotion she must have been feeling. Plus she is calling him out in a public forum, as much as embarassing herself.
19 is totally J-V allstar. Or is that GDI?
"Married women are safe", as several of my married-women friends have told me. They weren't coming on to me, they were just explaining that a lot of guys have that policy. Married women can't do anything if you dump them, and if they get pregnant it's the husband's problem. (Even if the child is proven not to be his -- the husband signs up for all products of a designated uterus).
Yeah, I have known some marginal people in my life.
Has anyone here ever had a condom break in such a way that the man would be the only one in a position to know about it?
Yes.
Fake because no one, and particularly no Chet, is unclear about whether making sure that a woman doesn't give birth to a monthly child support claim ticket is important enough to suffer talking to someone who's boring.
the husband signs up for all products of a designated uterus
Brilliant.
I'm with 17. To me, this would be like the midgets and the lion.
Do the people who think it is a hoax think the two posters are one, making up a story to take in the community? Or that the asshole named Plan B is posting something that really happened, and the asshole named Oh God is trying to take Plan B down a notch by pretending to be the woman whom he wronged?
OK, that's... well, not exactly good to know, but satisfies my curiosity anyway. Those things lose so much integrity when broken that they've always come completely apart in my experience.
Too perfect is "She made me wear a condom because she was not on the pill for some reason." I bet he fled because he thought this would exonerate him from having to pay child support. "Well, it's just as much her fault as it is mine!"
31: One person, making up a story to get on Wonkette.
If she was really going to get her period in a few days, she needn't have worried about pregnancy. Also, is it even imaginable that she would have written two reply posts without once using the word "asshole"? No, it is not. So, obviously fake.
If she was really going to get her period in a few days, she needn't have worried about pregnancy.
Oh, Brock, Brock, Brock...
Also, for the purposes of UnfoggedCon, the womyn folk should assume that the guy in the LNS story is w-lfs-n.
21: I was thinking that leakage might give it away, but given that this guy ran off as fast as possible, she might've been asleep before it became clear.
is it even imaginable that...
The Chets are not like you and I.
I can't believe that anyone finds this credible. I'm not sure that I believe the rape one, though that might be hope speaking.
You have to remember that all these people were business majors, meaning that in all realms of life their goal is to maximize leverage over others in the sociopathic way pioneered by the modern corporation.
I could see her avoiding the word "asshole" if her goal is to maximize her leverage over him by eliciting self-pity, which she seems to be doing (and deservedly so). Meanwhile, he is disturbingly plausible as well, with his "I could tell her right now and she could take Plan B, but instead I will maximize my leverage over her by pretending that there is some point to asking these people for advice, and then I can decide when to tell her later on."
39: If I had to put $100 on it, I'd probably say it's fake, but I don't think it is in anyway conclusive.
39: I'd rather not believe the rape one either, but I suspect most of us have met guys exactly that clueless IRL.
I'm voting fake. Who says, thinking they've just had a random hookup 'Oh, so glad I don't have to worry about pregnancy as I'm gonna be getting my period in a few days!' ?
One thing that really gives it a touch of realism, I think, is that the woman thinks she has to ask if the poster was her date, even though he gave so much detail as to make it completely obvious. A scripted exchange would probably (qua Brock) have gone straight to 'you asshole!'
37: I wouldn't think that leakage was obvious at all, not as much as the scraps of latex that broken condoms can leave behind.
There's only one way to know for sure whether it's real or fake. Those of you in DC: the ball is now in your hands. Report back here once you uncover the truth.
44: I don't think that's what she was talking about when she said she was glad her period was coming, since her last post says she took Plan B.
45 -- I interpreted "glad we slept together because she was getting her period in a few days" to mean, she wanted to fuck him but not during her period, not the other.
Sure, but like, does that normally come up in conversation?
Hey BTW, are we going to hang out at Milano before or after the meetup?
46: Yeah, I don't much like it and I've avoided it at every turn, but the truth must be faced: Becks must sleep with one of these guys and blog it.
45: Every time I've had a condom break, it has remained a single, though wounded, unit.
50: I feel like virtually all women I have met, including clerks at Walgreen's, are eager to talk about their period at every opportunity.
Every time I've had a condom break, it has remained a single, though wounded, unit
Yeah, but we're talking about the condom, dude, not your unit.
neil is apparently using retreads.
Let's offend the laydeez in a thread where we aren't so easily compared to the LNS crowd, Timbo.
Yeah, I've never left scraps of latex anywhere.
What are you people doing with your condoms? I've never had one break, and neither have any of my kids.
One thing is for sure: Even if the post is fake, it's not a viral ad for Durex.
What happened to me is that I initially made the mistake of not buying the extra-large condoms. Classic case of misplaced humility.
60: That must be nice. I've certainly had them break.
58: Let's pretend that the laydeez are capable of deciding for themselves if and when they should be offended, eh, text? Especially on a thread about the awful neanderthalness of the LNS crowd.
You all know that you're supposed to pinch the tip and hum "God Bless America" when you put them on, right?
By all means, they can. Perhaps I should have said, for my sake, let's not act like the LNS crowd in this thread, Tim.
65 -- Hm. What are you putting them on?
I always hum "Another One Bites The Dust".
60: Yeah, right. We know you're just trying to avoid repeating this guy's mistake.
Are 58 and 68 referring to 52? Because, if so, you're being pretty silly.
And whart do you have against neanderthals? They were totally smart. They had flutes you know, and put flowers on their dead. And we may have killed them all. Back off!
Brock, forgive me if I don't think you are an authority on this matter.
Now back to hilarity! What do you call a hippopotamus who steals away your girlfriend?
I always hum "Another One Bites The Dust".
I'd like to believe you, Joe, but that's a really hard song to hum.
21: Of course, if your technique is any good at all. I mean, she's not supposed to be fully alert at that point.
60: Probably because, as an immigrant, you don't have a big American penis.
But Joe is a gifted musical genius -- humming "Another One Bites the Dust" would not be beyond him.
75: The flight of the valkreys isn't though. Just saying.
I assume you're talking about #52, or I'm beyond confused. I suppose I don't really see the comparison as fair, as I was making a fairly standard Unfogged joke that's been made by men and women alike. But, as I recall, you best fit the LNS profile, so I defer to your experience and retract #52.
Or so the mullahs would have you believe.
81 to 76, but of course the possible combinations are legion.
75: not harder than God Bless America, really
76: If his technique was any good he probably wouldn't have 'sneaking away' in his repetoire...
Tim, I may or may not fit that profile; I don't know how you would venture to say. I'm not the comment police; treat my LNS remark as though I had made a joke about your ineptitude with women.
but of course the possible combinations are legion.
Or so the mullahs would have you believe.
Or so the mullahs would have you believe.
Or so the mullahs would have you believe.
Obviously 25 and 26 refer to the same incident.
88- one of those really unfunny jokes that makes everyone at the party cringe and feel a bit awkward for a few minutes.
I presume you know that kind very well. Please tell us all about them, Brock.
Why Ogged has never broken a condom.
One thing is for sure: Even if the post is fake, it's not a viral ad for Durex.
I can't decide if the concept of "viral advertising" is a perfect match for condoms or not.
Why Ogged has never broken a condom.
You, sir, have never put a condom on your fist, have you?
88, 89: Consider it so taken.
60: You know, you're there, and you're working away, and there's this sort of dull resonant twang; except you don't so much hear it as feel it. It's a unique sensation: I don't know how you could have missed it. I suppose the first time it happens you could be excused for thinking it was something else breaking, and therefore somehow less critical.
Anyway, I really feel there should be some sort of money back guarantee. Just post in the failed part, no questions asked.
re: 101
A friend of mine did that. He sent them a letter of complaint [somewhat tongue in cheek].
He got back an outraged letter, along with the condom. The whole thing wrapped in biohazard tape.
He had the letter pinned to his wall for ages. There was a lot of unintended comedy in it.
101: You know what's awesome -- when you notice said twang, tell her that you think the condom broke, and she says, "No, I don't think it did."
I suppose the first time it happens you could be excused for thinking it was something else breaking, and therefore somehow less critical.
I'm curious, for what values of "something else" do you consider breakage to be less critical?
Dude, he totally should have stuck with a little USFB. Such a JV move. And don't these kids know that Cafe Milano is just so turbo these days?
when you notice said twang
There might not be a problem, unless this happens at the same time she notices your drawl.
You, sir, have never put a condom on your fist, have you?
No, I've always had my partner put it on for me.
108: using the mouth method, presumeably?
109: Look at these hands. These fuckin' hands. I was born with a girl's hands. And even if I put on enough weight to be a heavyweight, I'd be too slow to fight. No matter how big I get, I'll never be big enough to fist w-lfs-n.
Just spray the damn thing on?
Holy crap, I'm not sticking my unit into an aerosol can.
111: Oh, does that sound like an exercise in painfully trapped pubic hair.
105: There's this bit in Clive James' biography where he talks about the family budgerigar buying the farm. The young sophisticate James is idling in a rocking chair, listening to Mozart: the family budgie decides to go pecking around the back of the chair; gets crushed. Time of death; some point during the Andante.
It's sort of like that.
I don't understand how the spray-on leaves the necessary room at the tip.
Also, very difficult to carry in your wallet (although you're not supposed to do that with regular ones either.)
We will never know whether the emails are fake or real, but (except for one or two people) a world in which the emails are real is a much funnier world than one in which they aren't. Funniness is always good, and on general pragmatic-utilitarian principles, it's pretty clear to me that the emails are therefore real.
Furthermore, supposing that the emails are "fake" (whatever that means) then no one has been harmed if we believe that they are "real", since the two supposed victims don't even "exist".
It's good that we're in jacket weather again, since jacket pockets are ideal.
Can't carry aerosol cans onto planes, either.
I'm starting to feel very "there but for the grace of god go I" about the late night shots crew. No one told these kids how to respect their partners, or even that they should respect their partners. Their peers talk about take downs, and adults in our society, if they talk about sex at all, only say you will go to hell if you have it. Sex education takes place in a moral vacuum punctuated by outbursts of moronic lies. The ratio of silence to lies in a young persons life is largely determined by whether their parents consider themselves "liberal" or "Christian." These kids probably were raised with more of the liberal silence, combined with a bit of "don't do anything money can't smooth over."
Oh foo, I'm starting to feel depressed again. I grew up in a similar environment. Lots of wealth and alcoholism. It's fucking toxic.
While the spray-on condom hardly strikes me as appealing either, 111 suggests a certain ignorance about how aerosol sprays actually work.
112: All the kids are waxed these days, remember?
From the link, foxytail:
Krause's team (spraykondom.de) is developing a type of spray can into which the man inserts his penis first. At the push of a button it is then coated in a rubber condom.
No, that really is how it works:
Krause's team (spraykondom.de) is developing a type of spray can into which the man inserts his penis first. At the push of a button it is then coated in a rubber condom.
"It works by spraying on latex from nozzles on all sides," he said. "We call it the '360 degree procedure' -- once round and from top to bottom. It's a bit like a car wash."
119 suggests a certain ignorance about the product linked in 111.
Oh my, too slow on the trigger.
119 -- Oh, I'm quite familar with your fancy aerosol technology.
See, this particular application specifically requires that you insert your penis into the can. Read the link.
There still isn't an explanation for how a reservoir tip might be generated.
pwned by 121, but I pwn 123 & 125. My +/- is +1.
That is indeed several kinds of awful. It sounds like a technology out of Brazil, to go with your plastic wrap face lift.
Having duly noted all the implausibilities that have been pointed out, I'm still inclined to favor "real."
in the good ld days, we just used tool dip .
I am deeply offended by this thread.
Which part? or is it a synergistic thing?
It must be the part where we didn't talk about her at all.
135 is deeply sexist. Not all women are shallow and self-involved, Ogged.
So, would I look good in this outfit?
136: That's it, Joe. Our date is OFF.
Anyway, no one's noted the truly funniest comment in that comment thread, which is this one:
Finally, if the sex was so bad, how did the condom break?
The best way to go for condom storage and transport is the bookbag. I keep at least two condoms in my bag at all times, because you just never fucking know.
I also keep Advil, kleenexes, allergy pills, toothbrush and toothpaste, a little spectacle repair kit, a CTA map, tampons.... The purse-being of my bookbag, combined with how often I have to get up to go to the bathroom, sometimes makes me worry that I'm actually a woman (but cf. 63).
Also, Kotsko's 55b is brilliant.
Probably because it's about me.
138- That's ok, he didn't want a date, he just wants to have sex and then depart gracefully.
Not all women are shallow and self-involved, Ogged.
Note how, since B's shown up, the threads all about her.
That's not how we say it in Texas.
145: I can't help my natural charisma, Ben.
As if I, of all people, wouldn't know that!
140. Tampons? Seriously cool. I predict that as soon as your stash is called upon you're totally getting laid. Or, well, probably a few days later.
A few years ago for Ellie's birthday I got her a really cute metal condom case engraved with her initials. Of course, she met her future husband about a month later and soon had no more need for condoms. Such a waste, as it was hilarious.
(And, no, I didn't get one for myself. Buying yourself a condom case and having it engraved with your initials = lame. Getting one as a gift? Awesome.)
Looks like we need to take up a collection for Becks' birthday.
Ok, quick poll: condoms by the bedside? Anyone have any unique storage method?
Mine are in an Altoids tin.
Wait, I thought we were talking about me.
Goddamn you, w-lfs-n.
There's a Ben Elton novel in which in the near future there are spray-on condoms, but they're just spray-on, no fancy aerosol can penis-pump-carwash action. They're a modern marvel in the book, able to expand to hold many times the volume one would think necessary, but to remove them you have to spray the spray-condom with a second aerosol that causes it to dissolve. This leads to more than one mention of men waddling away from a tryst to which they'd forgotten to bring their removal spray and unable to get to said spray for one reason or another before their bladders give out, leaving them with huge balloons of urine hanging painfully from their cocks.
It's a funny book, but now I can't remember the title.
Also, I think the LNS posts are real simply because I so want them to be. We already know these are terrible people; if they're posting stuff like this to get on Wonkette, fine, let them encourage the perception of them as out-of-touch, sociopathic creeps. It would take an awful lot for me to believe something on LNS didn't have at least a grain of truth to it.
Also, the conversational styles of the OP and the respondant are believably different and I'm not ready to buy that your average LNS cockjock is smart enough to think of using different voices.
156: For not real, I'd assume two people playing along, not one person.
I'm also trending toward "real" with the LNS messages, since the two posters' stories don't quite make sense as a coherent narrative. The lack of the sort of explosive anger some readers are looking for can be explained by the fact that these are horrible people who don't quite believe in bad consequences for people like them.
25 & 26: How embarrassing, to admit in a public forum that both of you knew the condom had broken!
154- In high school I kept them in a sock in the drawer, with other socks.
159 see 94.
"The best way to go for condom storage and transport is the bookbag. I keep at least two condoms in my bag at all times, because you just never fucking know."
When I was your age I learned that it was wise to replace them every few months, since rubber deteriorates with age.
I don't really keep tampons in my bookbag.
He keeps them behind his ear, like a pencil. No reason to keep one's light under a bushel.
I looked at the well-dressed people in the Sartorialist, and I confess I have no idea whatsoever of what is sharp-looking or not. Apparently, though it is generally agreed that I dress poorly, I am capable of occasionally looking sharp by accident.
Or were there horrible examples in there.
The smiling red-haired lady looked great, but she could have been wearing more or less anything.
I don't really keep tampons in my bookbag.
And I thought I'd found a kindred spirit. I keep (kept) Advil and tampons in my car, mainly because I hate turning around or taking a detour on the way somewhere.
Weiner-pwned. Look see I've been working today.
162. I don't really think it would improve your prospects if you did. Actually, it would probably freak women out. There's a thin line between chivalry and creepiness; best to just avoid chivalry altogether.
I keep (kept) Advil and tampons in my car
...for his mangina.
I think I understood Apo's joke.
168: I dunno. My bf has tampons, nail polish, and tons of bath products in his bathroom. It's teh awesome.
I keep my condoms in a little bowl with my quarters and old protest buttons.
Aren't there issues with getting brands right if you don't know who you are buying for? I suppose if it is an emergency you will look ok no matter what you stock, but is that the only situation you are preparing for?
173: BF has both applicator and non-applicator styles. I'm telling you.
with all my ... old protest buttons
Good strategy. Most effective if you don't remember to close the pins on the back of the old protest buttons.
Yeah, I think I might look into replacing my stock and rethinking my strategy.
Old buttons don't have safety closures.
I don't have any vintage protest buttons.
171: Left by exes, perhaps? NTTAWWT.
I think the only time there were tampons (that did not belong to a housemate) in my bathroom was after I made an emergency run for my girlfriend. Preemptive stocking would have eliminated the need for the emergency run, but I wouldn't buy tampons without consultation. Even after consultation I got it wrong.
I wouldn't go as far as to advocate a guy carrying them in his backpack but the guys I know who have been able to produce emergency tampons at their place (usually left over from former GFs) have been much appreciated and it's always been taken as a positive. Also, girls award major minus points to guys without a trash can in their bathroom.
180a: Some of it probably. But who cares? They're exes now, and I'm not.
174: This disappoints me in a way I can't quite articulate.
What is needed is some kind of PEZ dispenser style fixture for condoms.
I carry tampons around in my shirt pocket, and offer them to any women I encounter who look like they might need them. IFKWIM. AIKYD.
They're exes now
So far as you know.
As long as I'm the only one when I'm with him, who cares?
187: lots of people who don't think like you, B.
184 -- and also a similar product for tampons.
who look like they might need them
Also, girls award major minus points to guys without a trash can in their bathroom.
When I was young, a description of an ideal lover's room/apartment, and what made it so, might have taught me a lot.
188: But what do I care what other people think about my boyfriend? Anyway, when I'm not using his cock and attention, there's no need for him to sit idle. Poor man might get rusty.
192: That's a good point. Have you considered hiring women (or men, possibly) to keep your beauxs' cocks warm while you're away?
Poor man might get rusty
Oh my god -- don't tell me you've taken up with the androids too!
Rusty is a metaphor.
193: I know you're not saying my bf can't get any.
(I can only hope his name is not Steely Dan.)
Poor man might get rusty.
This is why it's imperative that you dry off afterwards. I keep towels by my bedside. Speaking of which, for those of you who keep your condoms in a bowl or tin, where do you keep the towels and toys?
where do you keep the towels and toys?
Mark Foley! So tell us, how's "rehab?"
195: I considered it as a possibility, yes.
161: You mean you could keep them around unused for a couple of months?
There is nothing sadder than a box of expired condoms.
What about a box of expired babies? Way sadder.
203- geez, I didn't mean sad sad. I meant deserving of derision sad.
A box of expired condoms clutched by a dead baby, being guarded by a blind, legless puppy.
201: Try getting stationed by the Peace Corps in a remote location with a suitcase-sized first aid kit half full of condoms. Sitting in your house mocking you for two years.
Oh, I made sure the students knew where they were to facilitate pilfering, but there were still a bunch left when I went home.
207: It's not our fault you didn't hold your end up.
Nope -- the first aid kits got returned. I would have liked to keep the first aid handbook (Where There Is No Doctor) which had all sorts of freaky information about what to do with a compound fracture in the absence of any source of assistance, but we had to give them back.
You needn't have let them go to waste, LB.
Is there a plausible non-vulgar interpretation of 209? I'm blanking.
211 -- by "them" you mean "all those strapping Samoan lads" of course.
a plausible non-vulgar interpretation
Why would you want one of those?
As cover in case I inexplicably take offense? ("I don't know what you could be implying. I was not that kind of Volunteer.")
I just looked at one of my leftover condoms -- which are pretty numerous, since I have this weird history of buying a whole box of condoms less than a week before breaking up with someone -- and the date said June 2010. I was hoping to have a PhD by then, and now maybe a new goal for that date can be to actually use my remaining condoms (as water balloons in the last resort).
What do you do in August 2010 when you're about to suit up and those are the only condoms in the house?
Vacation at The Last Resort! June 2010! Unfogged meet-up!
I've kept tampons in my rugby kit bag for bloody noses. They're remarkable.
