Re: Mailbag! The Sequel.

1

Someone needs a big ole glass of perspectivejuice.


Posted by: Michael | Link to this comment | 12-10-06 12:03 PM
horizontal rule
2

AAAAAAAAAAHHHH WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE ESPECIALLY ME

WHOSE FAULT IS THIS?


Posted by: Cryptic Ned | Link to this comment | 12-10-06 12:04 PM
horizontal rule
3

Ironically, a solution to social security would be to encourage everyone to smoke so they die younger and leave plenty of money in the system.


Posted by: SP | Link to this comment | 12-10-06 12:04 PM
horizontal rule
4

I'd say a glass of whatthefuckareyoutalkingabout juice.


Posted by: SP | Link to this comment | 12-10-06 12:06 PM
horizontal rule
5

We should just pass a law: either you kill someone on your 21st birthday, or you get killed.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 12-10-06 12:06 PM
horizontal rule
6

As long as Leroy's mama's alive, smoke nazis must die.


Posted by: FL | Link to this comment | 12-10-06 12:10 PM
horizontal rule
7

5. Which would you choose?


Posted by: Michael | Link to this comment | 12-10-06 12:14 PM
horizontal rule
8

This is great. Does Godwin's Law hold for newspapers?


Posted by: Cala | Link to this comment | 12-10-06 12:18 PM
horizontal rule
9

5- Shouldn't it be your 65th birthday? That way you contribute to SS your whole life, then if you want to get retirement benefits you have to kill someone to make space in the program. UFC senior circuit.


Posted by: SP | Link to this comment | 12-10-06 12:23 PM
horizontal rule
10

9- now *that's* something I'd pay to see on Pay-Per-View.


Posted by: Brock Landers | Link to this comment | 12-10-06 12:25 PM
horizontal rule
11

I want to see Yglesias in that ring.


Posted by: FL | Link to this comment | 12-10-06 12:30 PM
horizontal rule
12

That way you contribute to SS your whole life, then if you want to get retirement benefits you have to kill someone to make space in the program.

This would also work for tenure.


Posted by: Cryptic Ned | Link to this comment | 12-10-06 12:33 PM
horizontal rule
13

Translating Fontana Labs:

I want to see Yglesias in that ring.


Posted by: Michael | Link to this comment | 12-10-06 12:41 PM
horizontal rule
14

Michael, that's a horrible mistranslation. "I want to see Yglesias in that ring" comes much closer.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 12-10-06 12:43 PM
horizontal rule
15

14: That's not a ring, that's a tube or lumen. You need a photo of a sphincter to make your point.


Posted by: Cryptic Ned | Link to this comment | 12-10-06 12:48 PM
horizontal rule
16

9: That way you contribute to SS your whole life...

Godwin and I misread this, and our version is better. (Less guilt-ridden, at least.)


Posted by: SEK | Link to this comment | 12-10-06 1:37 PM
horizontal rule
17

Admit it, people. There are more serious issues out there.

Come to think of it, there are more serious issues out there than about anything you could name.

Nice! I'ma have another cup of coffee and a cigarette while I enjoy my complacency.*

*Actually true. Have decided, after overspending on a party and then cleaning up the next day, that having money makes everything so fucking easy. Leftovers? No biggie, I'm not cash poor and nothing wrong with having a lot of wine around. Mess? No biggie, toss the (expensive) disposable plates in the trash, load the 12 wine glasses I bought into the nice dishwasher that holds stemware, pop the top of the easy-clean stove, put all the party stuff into ample storage, and hit the "clean" button on the Roomba.

Goddamn it's good to be rich.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 12-10-06 2:00 PM
horizontal rule
18

Just you wait until the Revolution, b.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 12-10-06 2:03 PM
horizontal rule
19

Are there buttons other than "clean" on the Roomba? Can you set it to make the carpet dirtier?


Posted by: Cryptic Ned | Link to this comment | 12-10-06 2:11 PM
horizontal rule
20

In Soviet Russia, easy-clean stove pops you!


Posted by: minneapolitan | Link to this comment | 12-10-06 2:13 PM
horizontal rule
21

9: I'm tempted. There are lots of people who need to vanish, starting with the drooling morons who try to get on elevators before others can get off and working around to dog-walkers with those retractable 20 bobby-trap leashes attached to defecating fashion accessories.


Posted by: Biohazard | Link to this comment | 12-10-06 2:16 PM
horizontal rule
22

You wash the wine glasses? You don't just smash them after the party and get new ones next time? Pauper.


Posted by: SP | Link to this comment | 12-10-06 2:18 PM
horizontal rule
23

One doesn't put crystal in the dishwasher, of course, so either B's actually poor or she's some kind of parvenu.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 12-10-06 2:20 PM
horizontal rule
24

18: I know. I'm wiping the tile counters with the environmentally correct and rather expensive and extremely effective all-purpose cleaner (that citrasolve stuff, if you're curious) and thinking, "we've been considering hiring someone to clean the house? How fucking lazy are we?"

19: Sure. You just empty the little dirt container somewhere other than the trash, and voila.

22: Yeah, I still retain some habits from my days in poverty. I refused to pay $40 for 4 wine glasses at Macy's (where I went after finding that the JC Penney sale meant that they were all sold out of their cheap glasses) but managed to get 12 for $8 at Target. Made in the USA, even, so no guilt about exploiting Chinese children.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 12-10-06 2:22 PM
horizontal rule
25

23: Not poor. Cheap. Wine glasses break, and I don't myself notice a real big difference in the taste of the wine if you drink it out of crystal. So glass it is.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 12-10-06 2:23 PM
horizontal rule
26

Don't gloat, B, not when some of us are still shopping at the Goodwill because we pretty much have to.


Posted by: Jackmormon | Link to this comment | 12-10-06 2:55 PM
horizontal rule
27

You can take revenge at UnfoggeDCon, JM.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 12-10-06 2:57 PM
horizontal rule
28

I don't myself notice a real big difference in the taste of the wine if you drink it out of crystal

Not poor. Parvenu.


Posted by: Jesus McQueen | Link to this comment | 12-10-06 3:00 PM
horizontal rule
29

Savin' my pennies for the bus...


Posted by: Jackmormon | Link to this comment | 12-10-06 3:01 PM
horizontal rule
30

I can assure you that the Flophouse accomodations are excellent.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 12-10-06 5:22 PM
horizontal rule
31

Can you assure us that you didn't post that with a knife to your ribs?


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 12-10-06 5:23 PM
horizontal rule
32

Indeed I can.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 12-10-06 5:24 PM
horizontal rule
33

Unfortunately for you, though, I didn't get a chance to test out catherine's bed.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 12-10-06 5:41 PM
horizontal rule
34

Why should that be unfortunate for me?


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 12-10-06 5:42 PM
horizontal rule
35

Hey, if you want to go in without any reconnaissance, that's your prerogative. I'm just trying to help here.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 12-10-06 5:47 PM
horizontal rule
36

It's not as if I'll be sleeping in it.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 12-10-06 5:47 PM
horizontal rule
37

In that case, you're fine.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 12-10-06 5:49 PM
horizontal rule
38

Reading 13 and not bothering to click the link because I know what kinda funny cock joke Michael is making already and then reading 14 and sputtering OMG, you mean Michael had the opportunity to make that joke and tried for a different one--


Posted by: Clownæsthesiologist | Link to this comment | 12-10-06 5:50 PM
horizontal rule
39

26: Would you prefer it if I pretended that my current good fortune was nothing to be happy about?

28: Fine, parvenue. God forbid, the shame and horror.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 12-10-06 6:54 PM
horizontal rule
40

we've been considering hiring someone to clean the house? How fucking lazy are we

Despite being a rather cash-poor person myself, I've found that having someone come twice a month to clean the house makes life much more pleasant.


Posted by: Matt F | Link to this comment | 12-10-06 6:55 PM
horizontal rule
41

You have crystal wine glasses, ben? That's pretty sweet.


Posted by: Cala | Link to this comment | 12-10-06 7:00 PM
horizontal rule
42

39: No, it's much ruder not to be happy.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 12-10-06 7:02 PM
horizontal rule
43

My thinking exactly.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 12-10-06 7:06 PM
horizontal rule
44

Should I wish for a Roomba? I can't quite ever tell if they would be worth-it helpful for our two-story, rugs-on-hardwood-and-a little-step-up-to-the-kitchen, numerous-shoes-on-floor duplex.


Posted by: redfoxtailshrub | Link to this comment | 12-10-06 7:15 PM
horizontal rule
45

Well, they can't go up steps, obviously. But you can put it to clean a room, and then when it's done, pick it up and move it to the next room and press the button again. I'm not sure about the rugs thing, though; it tends to fold up the little bathroom rug, so I pick it up, but w/ a heavier one it might manage to do 'em both. But yeah, they do kind of require you to either keep crap up off the floor, or pick it up before running 'em.

Not that that's entirely bad.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 12-10-06 7:20 PM
horizontal rule
46

You have crystal wine glasses, ben? That's pretty sweet.

I personally don't own any wine glasses at all, actually.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 12-10-06 7:33 PM
horizontal rule
47

Then how do you drink wine?


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 12-10-06 9:15 PM
horizontal rule
48

With a herring.


Posted by: washerdreyer | Link to this comment | 12-10-06 9:21 PM
horizontal rule
49

and considerable aplomb.


Posted by: text | Link to this comment | 12-10-06 9:24 PM
horizontal rule
50

39.---Sorry to jump down your throat. As you suggest at the end of 17, it feels good to feel rich.


Posted by: Jackmormon | Link to this comment | 12-10-06 9:32 PM
horizontal rule
51

39: If it makes you feel any richer better, thanks to houseguests, my wife, my kids, myself and especially a certain goddamn cat that I can't wait to turn into a banjo, I don't have any crystal wine glasses either.


Posted by: Jesus McQueen | Link to this comment | 12-10-06 10:14 PM
horizontal rule
52

50: No, don't be; sorry I was stiff about it. It does feel good to be rich, and it feels shitty to be poor. It's not really gonna hurt me, sitting around watching a robot vacuum my floors, to have my friends schlepping to Goodwill being rolling their eyes and muttering under their breath at me.

51: Be nice to the cat, she's more valuable than any stupid wine glass.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 12-10-06 10:53 PM
horizontal rule
53

more valuable

are we talking pre-or post-banjo transmogrification?


Posted by: Clownæsthesiologist | Link to this comment | 12-11-06 7:28 AM
horizontal rule
54

A new style: "banjo transmogrification" -> "banjmogrification". Probably works for other "turning something into X" compounds too!


Posted by: Clownæsthesiologist | Link to this comment | 12-11-06 7:31 AM
horizontal rule
55

When our cat is being particularly bad, we tend to threaten to turn him into cat fillet, but a banjo is far more amusing.


Posted by: redfoxtailshrub | Link to this comment | 12-11-06 7:33 AM
horizontal rule
56

more amusing

Makes more sense from and ROI standpoint as well.


Posted by: Clownæsthesiologist | Link to this comment | 12-11-06 7:38 AM
horizontal rule
57

Let's take a moment to appreciate the genius of 2.


Posted by: yeti | Link to this comment | 12-11-06 10:53 AM
horizontal rule
58

"as I get older and near retirement is people will live longer and as Social Security fails, what will be the Smoke Nazis' final solution to that problem?"

Yes, a "final solution" for the "problem" of too many elderly. That is clearly what the smoke nazis are going for.


Posted by: Aaron | Link to this comment | 12-11-06 12:16 PM
horizontal rule
59

Scott McLemee addresses the issues raised by Mr. Kleeberger in today's Crooked Timber.


Posted by: Clownæsthesiologist | Link to this comment | 12-11-06 1:40 PM
horizontal rule
60

Ok, maybe this to refresh everyone's memory:

According to the American Cancer Society, there are a total of 553,400 cancer deaths in the US in 2001. The fourteen cancer killers are lung and bronchial cancer (157,400), cancer of the reproductive system cancer (58,500), colon cancer (48,100), breast cancer (40,600), cancer of the pancreas (28,900), cancer of lymphoma (27,600), cancer of the urinary system (25,000), leukemia (21,500 out of which 2,300 are resulted from myeloid leukemia), liver cancer (14,100), stomach cancer (12,800), cancer of the brain and nervous system (13,100), cancer of the oesophagus (12,500), skin cancer (9,800) and cancer of the mouth and throat (7,800).

Has anyone here ever had a family or friend die of cancer? Is the writer now comparing the Nazis to the CDC? Maybe we should have the same policy as in China, where they don't have warnings on cigarette packages because the government wants to kill it's citizens before they reach retirement?

If you got-em, smoke-em. However, don't expect much help from future medicare or emergency services when you have a health problem related to smoking. You know, personal responsibility and all that entails.


Posted by: domino | Link to this comment | 12-11-06 2:09 PM
horizontal rule
61

I'm only being honest when I say that comments like 60 make me want to beat the commenter to death to illustrate the health risk of haughtily pointing out what every smoker already knows.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 12-11-06 5:20 PM
horizontal rule
62

Smoking makes you smell like smoke, apo.

Don't shoot the messenger.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 12-11-06 5:23 PM
horizontal rule
63

See, now that's useful advice, since I can hardly smell anything, due to smoking.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 12-11-06 5:33 PM
horizontal rule
64

That's the difference between friends and dominoes.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 12-11-06 5:36 PM
horizontal rule
65

The difference between friends and enemas is even more pronounced.


Posted by: Cala | Link to this comment | 12-11-06 5:38 PM
horizontal rule
66

On a tangential side note, cigarette packs in Canada are twice as large as those in the U.S. because half of the packaging is dedicated to full-color, often gruesomely illustrated warnings about the dangers of smoking. Pictures of diseased gums & lungs, and the like. Though my favorite one says 'Smoking Causes Impotence' and features a cigarette, heavy with rather... limp ash.


Posted by: Cala | Link to this comment | 12-11-06 5:40 PM
horizontal rule
67

66: Nah, the packs were that sized before the adds existed... .good thought though.


Posted by: soubzriquet | Link to this comment | 12-11-06 5:42 PM
horizontal rule
68

65: Maybe your friends.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 12-11-06 5:47 PM
horizontal rule
69

Ah. They're sort of funny, like someone's going to one day look down and say 'Holy shit, this stuff is bad for me?!?!' I imagine as far as the cigarette companies goes, it adds to the danger & mystique factor so they don't care so much.


Posted by: Cala | Link to this comment | 12-11-06 5:48 PM
horizontal rule
70

Cigarettes are sublime.


Posted by: washerdreyer | Link to this comment | 12-11-06 5:50 PM
horizontal rule
71

That's a fantastic book, by the way. The author quit smoking while writing it.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 12-11-06 5:51 PM
horizontal rule
72

I'm pretty sure no one still smokes IRL. It's just books/movies/blogs nowadays.


Posted by: Brock Landers | Link to this comment | 12-11-06 5:54 PM
horizontal rule
73

That's a fantastic book, by the way.

Agreed, except that I've actually only read the intro and part of one chapter.

The author quit smoking while writing it.
Is that in the parts of the book I haven't read, or something you picked up extra-textually?


Posted by: washerdreyer | Link to this comment | 12-11-06 5:55 PM
horizontal rule
74

It was in the introduction or foreword of the edition I read.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 12-11-06 5:57 PM
horizontal rule
75

I love it when you see warning labels, "This product contains substances known to the state of California to be cancerous."

Loose tobacco and products with lead-covered wires are two such items.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 12-11-06 5:58 PM
horizontal rule
76

69: yeah. The companies fought it tooth and nail, but I guess it's one of those things... so long as everyone has to put hte same warnings on, it doesn't really hurt them much. Or at least, not relatively. I somehow doubt they've been very effective.


Posted by: soubzriquet | Link to this comment | 12-11-06 5:59 PM
horizontal rule