Ah, motion capture costumes. Good times, good times.
Not actually a sexy look for Jeter.
Why is the JB video called "Jessica Biel Thong"? The woman is wearing sweats, for pity's sake.
As for men-I'd-like-to-see-in-tights, it's gotta be Michael Fassbender.
You know how I know I'm not gay? Because I have no idea what makes a man attractive, other than cheekbones.
It's got something to do with the alignment of the neck vertabrae, Ned.
Blade : Trinity is objectively one of the ten worst films ever made.
Carry on.
3: I think it's because if you look at the repeated shot of her doing a kick at the end of the clip, and pay close attention to her ass, she's likely wearing a thong.
I assume the reason for the repetition was to offer viewers a second, and third, chance to view her ass in its be-thonged, be-sweatsed state.
Blade : Trinity is objectively one of the ten worst films ever made.
Right up there with Battlefield Earth, Howard the Duck, and, of course, Blade 2.
8: My first reaction after seeing Battlefield Earth was 'Travolata must really hate Scientology'.
I think Ogged has reversed the causality in his post - needing an excuse to show the Biel clip, he dug up the Jeter one...
That one goes to Standpipe's blog devoted to the unnecessary explanation of jokes.
I thought 76 would obviate the need for Ogged to perform these transparent defenses of his masculinity. But then again, I don't know what "obviate" means, so that may have been a misapprehension.
I can't believe that we've made it this far without the phrase "pasta diver.".
13: DAMNIT, that's my line. Shocking oversight...
3 - I read that as "Rainer Fassbinder" and was... confused. And slightly weirded out.
13 - And "intangibles".
I have a friend who claims that Derek Jeter is hideous to her eyes because he is "too monochromatic", meaning that his eyes, hair, and skin are too close in color, and it freaks her out.
10: I think that's just what he wants us to think.
I know exactly what she means, particularly about the eyes, except that I find it attractive. And isn't it Pasta Diving? Pasta Diver wouldn't work.
I know just what she means too; I think he looks kind of like the world's handsomest baseball glove.
he looks kind of like the world's handsomest baseball glove
Excellent.
LB, he is THE Pasta Diver, as in one who engages in Pasta Diving in an attempt to impress Gold Glove voters.
1. What's "pasta diving"?
2. Derek Jeter is a decent looking guy, and the day glow green crotch suits him. But no baseball player is that good-looking.
3. I like Biel better after the goofiness at the beginning of that clip.
"The grounder rolled pasta diving Jeter."
It works better in Baseball Announcer Cadence
"Groundball PASTaDIVing JEter!"
You like Biel goofiness? Biel goofiness.
25: Nice, but not to the level of the Carolyn Murphy goofy dancing clip.
Yours is a showy culture ogged, so 40 seconds of rump shaking to start an interview probably doesn't seem the least narcissistic to you. Not everyone's an Iranian, Shi'a.
"That one goes to Standpipe's blog devoted to the unnecessary explanation of jokes."
This one is also found on standpipe's blog.
I enjoyed this, from the comments to the Biel clip:
"I would rather make love to her than war!"
I, as it happens, would also.
rump shaking to start an interview
My impression was that this was related to something that had been said before, or was a "thing" on the show.
not to the level of the Carolyn Murphy goofy dancing clip
Certainly true. Did either of us post that?
No, but you emailed me the link. I didn't think to save it, either, and now it seems to be much harder to find.
First the Library at Alexandria, now the Carolyn Murphy dance video. What else will humanity lose?
I'll check my sent items.
Oh, I can find the link; I mean the file.
I like how at one point Biel does that white-girl lower-lip bite.
It seems a cease and desist order made the rounds. Oh well, we can reminisce.
Huh, I would've thought Jessica Biel would have better moves. She's okay, but I expect more from entertainers than variations on the boilerplate.
I'm sure she was toning it down for the daytime TV audience.
Did you see the name of the guy who posted that Biel clip?
Which, fine_ass_hollywood_"hochies", or "slutfinder"?
I saw both.
Pass de hochie on de left hand side.
15: I read this as Rainer Fassbinder, too. It probably means that I am irretrievably, unacceptably deviant, but I, er, find Rainer Fassbinder
Rainer Fassbinder to have been kind of cute. Although I don't think I would have wanted to see him hopping around while scantily clothed, at least not until I knew him fairly well.
8: What's wrong with Blade 2? It has vampire ninjas, people -- vampire ninjas! Did you think it was a Fassbinder film? The Bitter Tears of Petra von Blade or something? What do you want from a comic book movie sequel -- pathos? I bet Buñuel would have appreciated it. In fact, I think there are some narrative and formal similarities to Simon of the Desert.
Also, Jessica Biel does not shake it, like a Polaroid picture or otherwise to go with some fries. To be charitable, perhaps Ellen's supplier was out of town and they ran low on mota for the green room or something.
Vampire Ninjas? Maybe I should check it out. I'd just been taking everyone's word that it sucked.
Also, I'm watching Laurie Berkner videos with my kids right now and I'm beginning to think she is hotter than Barbara Brousal from the Dan Zanes band. Is it wrong that I'm getting rock star crushes on children's musicians?
50: Are you sure? because vampire ninjas sounds almost as good as my daughter's book about pirate dinosaurs.
What's the best movie about vampire ninjas?
Blade.
What's the worst movie about vampire ninjas?
Blade Trinity.
The uebervillain was a tortured Hamlet--with a dislocating jaw that was, I'll admit, totally cool--whose hatred of his father-figure was supposed to be affecting.
I liked Blade 2 more than Blade 1 because I felt released from any obligation to think it good. I saw it in a theater with a sad gothy man who had been very moved by Blade 1 and took the suckiness of the sequel personally. His disappointment made me very sad.
48: It did suck. It was better than Blade: Trinity though, which is more on the level of Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot! bad. Seriously.
I'd be completely happy if vampires went away for another thirty years. At my local library I've discovered more than one erotic vampires book series aimed at the preteen girl market. Mixed in with the Tom Sawyer and Howl's Moving Castle stuff!
Ned, do you have empirical evidence, or is Becks going to have to conduct a bake-off?
If a vampire ninja bites you, do you become both a vampire and a ninja? It seems a good way to bypass all the time-consuming martial-arts training.
JM, I'm going to send you a copy of Gilda Joyce, Erotic Vampire Investigator for your favorite 9- to 13-year-old.
60.--I see I've been gradually unleashing my inner Kotsko on this subject. For the perfect trifecta of recent crankiness, you've have to work in a role for John Edwards.
John Edwards isn't a vampire ninja, but his wife is.
48 et al: Blade 2 - visually quite good. Every other metric on which to judge a move, bad, bad, bad.
okay, so I watched the clip of her dancing on somebody's talk show.
she seems like a perfectly pleasant-looking young woman, but severely lacking in any natural grace. not a dancer at all.
64, 65 - A minor upset which proves that I was right in 10 all along.
Oh, apostropher? You lose, poser.
You know what I just noticed? The difference between being beautiful and plain is about 0.5%.
It's under my real name, genius.
I am pwned.
I don't think Blade himself is really a vampire ninja. Vampire ronin, sure, but he doesn't do all the cool ninja tricks that the real vampire ninjas do.
Also, I commend Blade 2 for keeping all of the pandering to Freudian readers on the surface where the rest of us can keep an eye on it and make sure it doesn't get out of hand.
joeo: Burden is proof on you for that claim. The fact that Biel and Ryan Reynolds were great characters doesn't redeem the failure to use Blade's character well at all combined with the utter, total putrid mess of the lead villain.
Blade 2's biggest strength was that somebody actually gave some thought to the question, 'What are vampire ninjas like in a fight?'. This lead to some pretty nifty fight scenes that actually explored some of the physical nature of the lead characters (as opposed to the X-Men movies, which shamefully wastes its essential premise in 90% of its action scenes). The biggest weakness was the worst case of Stupid Commando Syndrome I've ever seen in a movie. When a movie presents a group of people to me as a team of ultimate badasses, I feel betrayed and alienated when they turn out to be dumber and less good at being badass than I am. And Blade 2's ultimate badasses were really tragic.
And apo? I think this is the contest that really matters.
All those cow hits are about Hera.
I'm sure B's the bee's knees, but Hera, well.
Hey, it's really hard to compete with those huge udders.
And four nipples? Dude, that's twice as sexy as me, right there.
Hera had, like, 30 goddamned nipples.
91: Well, disembodied nipples are disturbing.
he still has a bit of trouble with html.
It's hard to type with your nipples. Believe me, I know.
15,45: Look at the pretty picture and tell me if that reminds you of ol' Rainer.
I've never had a problem typing with text's nipples.
I don't understand the Googlefight, it seems. Since "Smasher's Four Nipples" got exactly one return in text's 93, I went and googled that phrase (got 0), then that phrase without quotes (got over 10,000). Then I clicked on the Googlefight's own link to Mozbot and got over 1000 returns. Are the Googlefights some sort of lameass proportional representation?
Sadly, all this talk of nipples reminds me of Christian Death.
Some of this stuff would be considered classic guitar rock, in an inclusive sense, if anyone who knows anything about rock music weren't too embarrassed to call anything good "classic rock" nowadays. "The Blue Hour" will likely be in my head off and on for the rest of my life, even though I rarely listen to this album. Likewise for "Electra Descending," which is the most anthemic song including the lyrics "nipples licking the clouds" imaginable, but can certainly hold its own even outside of that admittedly limiting category.
And he says it over and over again, in case you miss it the first time. Crap, I want my adolescence back.
Is Nipples or More Nipples the better Brötzmann album?
Looking at nearly all 50 of 50 Pitchfork's elections, I bet that Catastrophe Ballet would have won a majority of the available seats if it had been eligible.
61: I think Hannibal King said it best:
She's making playlists. She likes to listen to MP3s when she hunts. It's like her own internal soundtrack. House, dance, trip-hop, whatever kids listen to these days.
That exquisitely subtle product placement was where I checked out.
Is it sad that my first thought on watching that Biel clip is to note that her kicking form sucks?
Landing with a bent leg on the lateral rever tournant, dropping the guard on the foutte median?
(don't know what the ghey TKD or karate types call 'em - turning crescent, and roundhouse, I think)
96: Well, clearly we're not going to be competing for dates. Which may be just as well. You like 'em clean-cut, I like 'em troll-like. It's how I was raised. (In caves, with trolls.)
Oh, that post was me. In the caves, we didn't have much time for this "internet" stuff you effete liberals like so much. We were too busy fending off the rats.
I was a changeling princess, of course.
Is Derek Jeter supposed to be hot? I ask because the only lasting impressions made on me by that video were (1) a reminder that lycra really needs to go far, far away and stay there and (2) the sense that athletes (I assume he's a pro baseball player?) who do all the running-around motion-capture stuff for the videogames played by fat nerds like me are probably thinking Gods almighty, what dork finds this exciting? the whole time. Realize that I very rarely watch sports and do not find baseball at all interesting so I have no idea who he is and have no image of him in my mind other than this video and thus have missed out on any work-a-day hotness he might bring to the table in other circumstances.
Okay, I'm an idiot for having strong opinions on the attractiveness of a ballplayer when I don't follow baseball either, but he has a really nice face -- it lights up very attractively when he's smiling, which he is a lot. And unusual but attractive covering; medium-brown skin with light-brown eyes the same tone as his skin.
If it takes following or otherwise being knowledgeable about an activity in order to judge a participant's subjective hotness, I am totally karma-fucked.
