Re: You're A Goner

1

The symptoms sound more like oral gonorhea IMO.


Posted by: stroll | Link to this comment | 01-14-07 2:10 AM
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I would be overwhelmingly tempted to answer, 'Yes, and that may well be what you've done. I know that it'll be hard, but you really, really need to talk to your parents about what you've done, right now, as soon as you can, and then, with them, see a doctor.'


Posted by: Nbarnes | Link to this comment | 01-14-07 2:21 AM
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The most bizarre thing about this is that if Unf had wanted to know what his semen tastes like, he could just have asked you.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 01-14-07 2:34 AM
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I like this:

I'm 17 and my penis is 8 1/2 inches long when erect. I know that I shouldn't be concerned -- some may even call me lucky -- but I'm still insecure. Is there any chance of it growing any more in my lifetime?

Maybe, but why exactly are you asking? Do you realize how many guys would kill to have a penis that's even half the size of yours?

Now that's a better question: how many guys would kill to have a 4-1/4 inch penis?


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 01-14-07 5:58 AM
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And then to the guy who claims to sometimes produce cold semen: "Unless you're entirely imagining it, perhaps there's a menthol-like substance in your semen that merely produces a cool feeling, the way a mint makes your breath feel cool."

Check for flavor crystals!


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 01-14-07 6:03 AM
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How can it be that -gg-d was not pwned in his discovery of Jackinworld by the Apostropher? Has the world gone mad? (I know, I know... but I thought at least some vestiges of sanity had been preserved in this haven -- if the tentacles of lunacy are encroaching e'en here, we cannot have much time left...)


Posted by: Clownæsthesiologist | Link to this comment | 01-14-07 7:14 AM
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Because I have no need for advice. My masturbatory technique is unstoppable.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 01-14-07 7:51 AM
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Odd -- it claims to be a masturbation resource, but there does not appear to be any pornography on the site.


Posted by: Adam Kotsko | Link to this comment | 01-14-07 8:05 AM
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8 is awesome.

Poor kid with the AIDS question. If the sex ed at his school was anything like the sex ed at mine, he probably walked away with the idea that a) if you have sex, you will contract a horrible disease and b) that disease will be AIDS and they somehow neglected to drive home the idea that the germs and viruses don't spontaneously arise from semen, presumably because acknowledging that would have meant time talking about sex.


Posted by: Cala | Link to this comment | 01-14-07 8:14 AM
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I wasn't this clueless, but apparently my sister worried that my dad and I would get HIV from sharing an electric razor. She didn't seem to realize that one of us would have to have HIV first. My mom seemed to feel that this confusion indicated that schools just shouldn't do sex ed.


Posted by: Adam Kotsko | Link to this comment | 01-14-07 8:38 AM
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A friend of mine is doing his residency in pediatrics, and the hospital gets quite a lot of girls in there who are pregnant, including one who memorably insisted she couldn't be pregnant, because when she had had sex, the semen didn't stay in.


Posted by: Cala | Link to this comment | 01-14-07 8:48 AM
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8: Maybe it's just not your kink, Kotsko.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 01-14-07 8:50 AM
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Thank you, Mr. Ogged, for giving me an appropriate link to replace the site of the loathesome Kotsko in the "URL" field.


Posted by: F. Winston Codpiece III | Link to this comment | 01-14-07 9:14 AM
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Well I for one, am happy to see that a resource like this exists on the internet for the benefit of young men everywhere. In my day, if a youth had a question regarding masturbation, or the penis, or sexuality in general, he had to trek all the way down to the docks to find his answers. Of course, the quality of the answers received was somewhat different.


Posted by: minneapolitan | Link to this comment | 01-14-07 9:17 AM
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"Verily, well do I recall the terrors and mystifications of puberty."
Yeah, 2006 was a great year.


Posted by: SP | Link to this comment | 01-14-07 9:21 AM
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14 - or the public library.


Posted by: stroll | Link to this comment | 01-14-07 12:51 PM
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17

Let's keep it clean, stroll.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 01-14-07 1:00 PM
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They have sinks at the library, ben.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 01-14-07 1:01 PM
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A friend of mine asked a similarly stupid question last night and I didn't know how to explain to her that she's insane. She claims that after having sex without barrier protection for the first time, her vaginal chemistry seems to have changed and she suddenly has a much fishier smell, which she blames on the semen all up in there.

I said that was ridiculous. The vagina cleans itself and the semen is gone. It doesn't "change the chemistry" of anything. Right? Right?


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 01-14-07 1:47 PM
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The vagina cleans itself

Y'know, AWB, not everybody can afford the expensive, self-cleaning models.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 01-14-07 1:53 PM
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21

This thread makes me feel young.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 01-14-07 2:15 PM
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22

You are young, teo.


Posted by: M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 01-14-07 2:17 PM
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20: All you gotta do is turn the heat up really high.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 01-14-07 2:17 PM
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24

And then spray it with, um, "oven cleaner"?


Posted by: M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 01-14-07 2:18 PM
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Easy-Off. For that not-so-fresh feeling.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 01-14-07 2:19 PM
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19: Your friend is correct. The only solution is to remove the semen, either through felching (which many men are reluctant to do) or using a standard canister vacuum cleaner.


Posted by: F. Winston Codpiece III | Link to this comment | 01-14-07 2:19 PM
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I hear high heat and thick southern drawls go naturally together.


Posted by: M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 01-14-07 2:20 PM
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28

Silly me, I thought Alameida was talking about an actual cat.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 01-14-07 2:21 PM
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28: Wow. That story depressed me. But it also reminded me of the time I watched my mom brush her teeth with anti-fungal cream and I said nothing.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 01-14-07 2:25 PM
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22: Granted.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 01-14-07 2:27 PM
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19: The vagina cleans itself and the semen is gone. It doesn't "change the chemistry" of anything. Right? Right?

My GYN told me that semen actually does change the vagina somewhat in, it turns out, a good way. Makes it more elastic, keeps the tissue thicker. I can't remember for sure if she said it changes the chemistry, as opposed to just making the tissues behave differently. Whether there are any olfactory effects, I don't know.

In any case, there are lots of other things that can affect the smell of one's cooch, like yeast infections or wearing tight jeans (damn that Gloria Vanderbilt!) or panythose a lot (no air circulation).


Posted by: Sir Kraab | Link to this comment | 01-14-07 5:33 PM
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31: OK one more pronunciation question from the clueless: when you write "My GYN" should that be read "my gee wye enn" or "my guyne"?


Posted by: Clownaesthesiologist | Link to this comment | 01-14-07 5:37 PM
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(And when I say "should" I'm not trying to imply that there is one correct pronunciation and everything else is substandard, just asking I guess how you would have said that out loud if you were speaking instead of writing.)


Posted by: Clownaesthesiologist | Link to this comment | 01-14-07 5:39 PM
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There are other possibilities, too, like "my gin".

My gin has lots of interesting opinions.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 01-14-07 5:41 PM
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35

Or (though you might think they are phonetically indistinguishable) "my djinn".


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 01-14-07 5:41 PM
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34: 32 should be understood to include the phrase "or some other way" directly before the terminal question mark.


Posted by: Clownaesthesiologist | Link to this comment | 01-14-07 5:45 PM
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Posted by: Sir Kraab
A rather topical name for the subject at hand.


Posted by: SP | Link to this comment | 01-14-07 5:45 PM
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The fishy smell, if it *is* a fishy smell, is bacterial vaginosis, and your friend, AWB, should see a GYN. As opposed to a djinn a lin, which is what gave her the problem in the first place.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 01-14-07 7:28 PM
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37: Crustaceanist!


Posted by: Sir Kraab | Link to this comment | 01-14-07 10:16 PM
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32: Me, I say "gee wye enn."


Posted by: Sir Kraab | Link to this comment | 01-14-07 10:18 PM
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29: Wow. Can I ask why?

I've had a quiet, tiny, but real fear, for many of years, of accidentally brushing my teeth with soap. This is less trivial than it sounds b/c I currently pump my toothpaste out of a dispenser.

Last week I was having a really rough time--like, many kinds of problems and drama all conflating at once, really bad news, had lots of potential questions for the mineshaft, but decided against it kind of drama. In my teary eyed state in the bathroom one morning I did, actually, absently grab the wrong dispenser and start brushing away. Tasted. So. Incredibly. Foul. My eyes watered, I gagged, my mouth was filled with bubbles, it was just awful.

But eventually I managed to rinse my mouth out completely, and it all worked out, and it was like, wow, that wasn't so bad. So I suppose the same holds for catching HIV from your own semen.


Posted by: Ile has | Link to this comment | 01-14-07 10:58 PM
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Sorry you had a tough time, Ile. When I was a kid, I wondered what the "wash your mouth out with soap" business was all about--it's certainly not something Iranian parents threaten--so I tasted some soap. It really does taste incredibly bad.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 01-14-07 11:16 PM
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Thanks Ogged. Heh. My mom claims that when I was little I once brought her a glass of soapy water b/c I thought it was pretty and she would like prettier water. Luckily I told her this while she was about to tip it back, but still.

BTW, way more on topic, I take it for granted that you all know the amusing comical monstrosity which is SexyLosers.com right? (NSFW)


Posted by: Ile | Link to this comment | 01-14-07 11:24 PM
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I recently learned that the Spanish equivalent of "You kiss your mother with that mouth?" is "¬ŅRezas a la Virgen con esta boca?" (Literally, "You pray to the Virgin with that mouth?")

I'm sure other languages have a way to express this sentiment -- can anyone share?


Posted by: Witt | Link to this comment | 01-14-07 11:26 PM
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Sexy Losers. No longer being updated, but awesomely hilarious (and NSFW).


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 01-14-07 11:27 PM
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29: and that reminds me of my grandmother accidentally brushing her teeth with a haemorrhoid treatment.


Posted by: Alex | Link to this comment | 01-15-07 5:29 AM
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45: Sexy Losers is, indeed, teh awesome.

In general: anyone else catch Sleeping Dogs Lie?


Posted by: Anarch | Link to this comment | 01-15-07 11:07 PM
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