I asked out the lifeguard via email.
Didn't everyone tell you not to do this?
I must say that didn't strike me as one of the risks of doing it via e-mail.
A risk? Maybe a benefit. Maybe she would have said no if she'd known who it was.
If she's mistaken Ogged for someone younger and better looking, bad times for Ogged, good times for blogging.
She likes whoever she thinks it is. It was a nice reply, except for the parts about things I'd never heard of.
I think she probably has the right person, ogged. You said that you were certain she was interested.
You are going to need to find a new pool.
That's a totally delightful twist!
And to think this would all have been avoided if you had just included that .jpg of yourself in the Beemer with the mirrored sunglasses.
OMG I scored a date with Chris Noth!
You said that you were certain she was interested.
This is what makes it so spectacular. So much for the theory that she was pining away for you, Ogged.
It was the cock photo that threw her off, wasn't it?
I must say that didn't strike me as one of the risks of doing it via e-mail.
It hadn't occurred to me either, but it's not the sort of thing that generally happens when you ask someone out in person.
With full condolences to Ogged-from-three-weeks-from-now, who will be rereading this thread with tears in his eyes - that's one of the most accurate blog post titles I've seen in a while.
It will all work out. The guy she thinks Ogged is really does love her but can't express his love. He'll enlist Ogged to provide appropriately literary endearments. Much later, she'll come to realize that it was Ogged's words, and his soul, that she loved all along. And then he'll die.
Persian Ninja Cyrano, coming soon to a multiplex near you.
I look forward to seeing this on the local news, or some dating game show.
speaking of follow-ups, (I mighta missed it), did you have a chance to meet up with that girl, Teo?
I look forward to seeing this on the local news, or some dating game show.
Are you kidding me? This is the plot of the first ever blog-book bestseller. Look for it at your local Border's, summer 2009.
It was the cock photo that threw her off, wasn't it?
Yeah, she thinks he's teofilo.
15 - Or the modern update, The Truth About Cats And Oggs.
17: Not yet. I've been by the library a few times, but haven't seen her.
Ahahahahahhahahaha!
you're crying, aren't you?
I'd go for the almost-rhyme and skip the non-almost reference to efflatus.
18, 20: Yeah. It will soften up the market for PK's lightly fictionalized first novel.
The real question: How does this other guy stack up against you? Is he Ogged-lite, hinting that she just didn't dare to dream?
anywho, what are your feelings on casual threesomes?
Have you figured out who the other guy is?
what are your feelings on casual threesomes?
Yeah Ogged, this might be your chance to cross swords.
Actually, this is PERFECT!
Set up a date at a coffee-shop. Then this jerk stands her up, and after 15 minutes of watching her check her watch, you mosey over and say, "Hey, don't I know you? Are you meeting someone? Want to go have dinner and roofies?"
If the photo of the corkscrew Lur cock didn't turn her off, probably you're home free.
Just a question -- granted that the ideal is to have both, if you had to choose between dates without date-threads, or date-threads without actual dates, how long would it take you to decide?
This is so incomparably great. "So sorry, I mistook you for the other skinny, hairy, pointy-headed, dark-skinned dude with a full-body scar."
32 and 33 are actually descriptions of the cock photo. The other guy sent her a thumb with a little face drawn on it and a miniature wig. Understandly confusing.
This is so, so awesome. The question is: (1) does he describe who he is over email so she goes "oh, that guy" and knows who she's meeting before the date or! (2) just show up and then know within the first two seconds from the look on her face whether her response is "oh him! cool!" or "oh. him."
She replied to my initial email after about fifteen minutes. She hasn't replied to my "this is going to be hilarious if..." email for a couple of hours. Date threads are so much better than dates.
It is a set up. Her friends will be watching to laugh.
We so need to find her blog so we can find out what her commenters are telling her to write back to you.
She hasn't replied to my "this is going to be hilarious if..." email for a couple of hours.
See, this is the problem with e-mail.
Awesomeness: confirmed! Wow. Dude, if you're not the guy she's thinking of, we'll take up a collection to hire you a date.
Dude, I didn't have a choice about email; she's around sporadically, and sometimes months have gone by without us running into each other.
I can't believe you let on so quickly that she had erred. So much potential, squandered.
A lesson for us all: GO FOR IT. It could at least result in an awesome story.
So the dogged Ogged e-wooed the nubile juvenile ... just when I was flicking channels ...
Ok, now I'm 99% sure she has me confused with someone else. The subject of my email was "[ogged] from the pool" (since she doesn't know my full name, and wouldn't recognize it in her email), and her reply included a line about "but I was just at the [mysterious initials] on Tuesday," etc. Some virtuoso googling by a friend reveals the mysterious initials to likely belong to another pool in the area.
If she's just setting you up to make a sex tape for the internet, get a lawyer and sue so you can post the tape here too.
Look, you go on a date with the Iranian you've got, not the Iranian you wish you had. Suck it up, kid.
All you Iranians look the same anyway.
Standpipe Bridgeplate, please be so kind as to check your email.
I still believe! Maybe she's just has severe mental problems.
Jesus, now I have NO IDEA whose left ball to cut off.
So I'll just have a drink instead. Here's to you, Ogged. Or perhaps to someone else.
What's really going to be great is when it turns out she's been a lurker here all along.
We should all show up at the date and give him a birthday cake.
Emerson, you know the weirdest euphemisms.
subject of my email was "[ogged] from the pool" (since she doesn't know my full name, and wouldn't recognize it in her email),
So does this mean she has a crush on some other random Iranian guy? She hasn't fallen for Jim Jimerson, apparently. So maybe you're still in there.
I presume that 37 is a "yes" to 31.
Do you think that Ogged is making all this up just to entertain us, because he feels sorry for us because we're so bored? Sort of a pity date-story?
60: Did you see #1? My gawd, how much crap slang have we been left with just because some fucking rapper needed to find a rhyme?
ogged, how serious are you going to have to be about a woman before you tell her about the blog?
I do think that there's a loser stoner crew inventing slang exclusively for the urban dictionary, a free-lance version of that hoax slang article someone big published awhile back.
63: Divorced.
62: I wonder if there's a rap song about definition 2?
63: He'll tell lifeguard girl about it the minute he thinks she's getting clingy, and she'll read the Darth Nookie thread, and never speak to him again.
If we're being Punk'd again, you totally deserve her becoming clingy.
And only someone who hates truth, light, and me could have been punk'd by the other post.
I know, I know, don't comment without reading the comments thus far, but really:
God, man, how could you fuck that up?
The idea is supposed to be that however you chose to present yourself via email, there's more than one of you?
Ahahahhahaha!
It's charming.
If you tell us where her blog is, we can go prop you up to her.
Screw this, I'm gonna call her and tell her to answer her goddamn email.
Does she have a Facebook whatever it is?
So Ogged, where do you swim? I am looking for a new pool.
75: I'm totally going to start writing her blog.
Does she have a Facebook whatever it is?
Dunno, don't you have to be twelve affiliated somehow to look in there?
And thus Hamilton came to assume the persona of a 22 year old woman...
Gee, Ogged, as much as this is kind of hi-LAR-ious, it also sucks. Indeed, it's like almost every email-related anxiety I've ever had, and you have my sympathies.
Frowner, you do earn your name.
80: Like I've never done that before.
Ogged, I'll pimp my facebook access to look...
79: Anyone can join, but you can't see someone's profile unless you're part of the same network.
81: Ditto.
I've never actually seen any Facebook anything because my affiliations ended so long ago.
unless you're part of the same network
How are networks defined? And what good would it do me anyway?
SB, easy now. Frowner frowns easily.
How are networks defined?
School, employer, geography. You don't even have to be part of one, though.
teofilo is banned!
Comrades, ogged needs us to give him grief now more than ever.
Aha, it is possible to sign up, and now I'm looking at her list of friends. Exactly half of them are Iranian. Weird.
Vat ees dees "email-related anxiety" of which you speak?
When one learns to email without anxiety, one has achieved freedom. The words, man, the words, and the punctuation! And the quotations! The snorts and chuckles, the well-placed colloquialisms. The links. The dashes off to left-field. The "What are you talking about?" The occasional slaps upside the head.
Jeez.
Maybe she can introduce you to a nice Iranian girl who happens to be closely-enough related to you to marry.
Even the cool waters of the pool can't stop Brown Fever.
Exactly half of them are Iranian.
Either she has very few friends, or I admire your dedication.
98 sounds like it needs an innoculation.
Aha, it is possible to sign up, and now I'm looking at her list of friends.
Mmmm. Stalkeriffic.
This thread ends at comment 100. The rest were put here by God to test your faith.
I just thought as how I wanted to stay in character. Besides, come on now, aren't you guys thinking, "That Frowner--man, what a drag it is when someone is sincere all the time!" This should give you strength to carry on when you're wracked with self-doubt over your glib, witty, rootless-cosmopolitan lifestyle--you'll think of me and abandon all interest in the stalwart, sincere values of the heartland.
Actually, I'm smiling right now.
Isn't Facebook the weird social networking site that lets you see who looked at your profile? If so, click carefully or you will look stalkerriffic.
I helped ogged stalk! Time to update the ol' CV.
"That Frowner--man, what a drag it is when someone is sincere all the time!"
Around here we generally say "earnest."
When I sing about a tree, I really feel that tree. When I sing about a girl, I really feel that girl. I mean, I really feel sincere.
Apropo to nothing, apparently there's an R&B remake of "She's like the wind."
Wow, 112 almost was apropo.
Just one?
I signed up with a bogus name anyway.
Alright everybody, if you were signing ogged up for something, what fake name would you give him?
People, it's been three hours. I think she's not going to reply to the mysterious emailer. Or she died of embarrassment.
When I sing about Standpipe, I become a standpipe.
107: "Maintained a network facilitating social engagements."
apopstropher is teh Glenn Reynolds!
At Unfogged is it forbidden to impersonate people who have never posted there before? Just wondering.
Emerson, you know the weirdest euphemisms.
Can I post this after everything you say?
I forget the difference between earnestness and o-earnestness. But how important could it be?
Wait, is she Iranian? Or maybe you should just give into your destiny and make your mother happy. Would it really kill you.
or Ernesto-ness, if you're the guy who works down the hall from me.
I spoke moments too soon. She just replied. She did think I was someone else. Now she's figured it out, and we're (back) on.
(She couldn't really say no at this point. It's hilarious to go out not knowing if the person really meant to say yes.)
LISTEN! Don't e-mail her immediately back, okay? okay.
You must be one e-suave motherfucker.
121: As far as I'm concerned that would be completely peepy-dicky.
So that we can pore over the details and give you a ton of *helpful* advice!
Now tell us about her response.
People, it's been three hours. I think she's not going to reply to the mysterious emailer. Or she died of embarrassment.
If you really care about her, you'd send a follow-up email (subject line: [orig. subj. line]: deux) saying that you understand if there was some confusion, no worries, etc.
Then everyone can laugh it off, relieved.
Also - if I were e-mailing back and forth with a guy, there's something to be said for matching the other person's pace.
132 - "peepy-dicky"? You must be goading me.
Comment 7 is looking more right with each passing hour.
She does the all lowercase thing. Should I call it off?
Also, she suggests lunch, which makes sense, given that that's when she's seen me at the pool, but it still feels like a downgrade from the dinner date that other dude had.
I am seldom able to make obscure film references. But yes, I am goading you, as if you needed it.
She does the all lowercase thing. Should I call it off?
Who cares? Not looking for a relationship, right?
nOw iF It wAs tyPeD lIke tHis, it might be time to run away.
Wait a couple hours to respond. So you don't look like you were sitting by your e-mail.
I am amused as all get out.
140 - There's a much lower chance you're going directly from lunch to bed so your affair is going to require a minimum of two dates. Which, for you, is like a marriage proposal.
140: think of it as an upgrade from "omgwtf i like just agreed to go out with the totally wrong guy??!?"
There's a much lower chance you're going directly from lunch to bed so your affair is going to require a minimum of two dates
Yeah, I confess this has dissipated my enthusiasm. Gah. Fucking lunch.
you don't HAVE to agree to a lunch. say you can't make that for some reason, then suggest drinks.
I agree with 148. Don't go down the lunch path if you don't want to.
apparently there's an R&B remake of "She's like the wind."
And it's shockingly good. It contains the following elements that the original didn't have
- Rhythm
- A non-vocal melody
- A lack of ultimate wussiness
- A latina woman rapping
Alright everybody, if you were signing ogged up for something, what fake name would you give him?
"Irani McPersianstein"
Also, I don't think you can find out from Facebook which people have been looking at your profile. Generally you can't look at anyone's profile unless either you're their friend, or you're in the same network as them and they forgot to limit access to friends only.
I keep wanting to friend Ben w-lfs-n, but after that breach of anonymity there'll be no backing up the ho train.
Fucking lunch.
No, see, if it were a fucking lunch there'd be no problem.
It's totally way better than the original. Excellent breakdown.
god i love you ogged. so FUCKING. AWESOME!!! don't be afraid to sweep the leg, yo.
So, Ogged, still worried you're going to break her widdle heart?
Maybe if you go to lunch as a furry it will charm her.
You gotta go on this lunch date and then totally make a move on her. Maybe suggest "a little afternoon delight," and leer suggestively.
152: I already said that. What is it with you youngsters and your not watching VH1?
you don't HAVE to agree to a lunch. say you can't make that for some reason, then suggest drinks.
This sounds good to you because I'm guessing you're used to being pursued. For a guy who's just asked someone out over email, received an enthusiastic response clearly directed at someone else, then a subsequent change from dinner to lunch after she learns who the emailer is, it doesn't feel like a good time to further mess with the plans.
See, gswift knows the score. I'm trapped in lunchland, and I can't get out!
161 - You don't think it's manly and assertive? Who's driving the Oggedmobile anyway?
Lunchland sounds kind of like Chris Rock's notion of the Friend Zone.
Alternately, you could play this game to see what Elmo does in a similar situation.
Ply her with alcohol. Suggest that her afternoon plans aren't really all that important.
I'm telling you. Leer at her, and ask her if she's ever heard of the Starland Vocal Band.
See, now it's starting to sound like the world's most boring-but-the-couple-telling-it-thinks-it's-fantastic "how we got together" story. "And then she downgraded me to a lunch date! Lunch!" "It's sooo true! I was like totally freaked out!" "And then I had to wait a few hours before replying so I wouldn't appear stalkeriffic!" etc etc.
When she's already confused you with someone else then downgraded you to lunch, manly and assertive doesn't seem like it'll work.
Lunch isn't necessarily bad! Lunch guarantees you at least 30-60 minutes. Had she suggested drinks, she would have been giving herself an easy out. You can wrap up drinks in 15 minutes if you're motivated.
Gonerill gets it exactly right. This girl and Ogged are probably going to get married in a year as a result of a bargain made by their parents; so they're setting up everyone to think they have an adorable history together.
Make it lunch on a Saturday, then take her to a museum or something. Stretch until you can suggest drinks, stretch that until dinner, and you've suckered her back to dinner-land. Then you're home free for the Dirty Sanchez.
You can wrap up drinks in 15 minutes if you're motivated.
That depends on how many pitchers the man orders for you.
How about "Lunch? Bitch, do you know how many people are waiting for exciting news from this thing?"
You don't think it's manly and assertive? Who's driving the Oggedmobile anyway?
Uh, you know what would make it even worse at this point? Trying to further alter the plans, and getting a reply along the lines of, "I don't really know you, maybe this isn't such a good idea..."
Gah. Fucking lunch.
She wants to see how she likes you, the way in which she might like you. You've only met in a day-time forum. If I were to try to date my physical therapist/personal trainer, an appealing man indeed, I'd need a transition stage from daytime cheer to nighttime bed-eyes.
It's perfectly pleasing, and sensible, and I'd welcome it.
Ask her if she wants to walk the dinosaur.
Take her to lunch at a hotel restaurant.
You can wrap up drinks in 15 minutes if you're motivated.
...she said, knowingly. Look, lunch is fine. Saturday is better, but lunch is good. Less pressure means she'll be easier to please.
Or hey, offer to cook lunch for her. At your place.
Tell her "I'm the bomb from Iran that you've been hearing about so much in the news recently"
It's probably too smart-assed to say, "I hope the other guy asks you out, it sounds like you like him."
I'm so sorry I didn't fix you up with my sister when I had the chance.
That is all.
181 would creep me out way faster than if my lunch-date just tried to segue to evening drinks.
182 is hilarious.
Ogged can't drink alcohol; he's a Mussulman.
I'm so sorry I didn't fix you up with my sister when I had the chance.
If I can be downgraded, she can be upgraded.
Or hey, picnic lunch! Pick a secluded site and go for the public outdoor sex. Hawt.
Unless you were really expecting it to be a gimme to get her into bed, aren't you more or less where you should be on a date? You don't know her that well, and you're having lunch. Maybe you'll hate her. Maybe she's the one.
There's a typo in her lunch message. I hate this woman.
It's probably too smart-assed to say, "I hope the other guy asks you out, it sounds like you like him."
No, no, you totally say this, only you say it in either a sensitive guy way or a conspiratorial wink-wink way. Then you say something like, "but in the meantime, if you get an itch, baby, I'll be happy to scratch it for you."
"... And if you want an itch, I can probably give you one as well."
I suppose the next issue is how Ogged should present himself at this date in order to appear most similar to the guy she thought he was. Morning dress and a monocle, in a rented Bentley? I'm imagining this to be a sort of Cyrano de Bergerac situation.
Now's totally the time to play up the cancer thing.
Wait a minute, I'm going to go with my initial impression, and the safe bet, that this woman totally wants me. I can charm it up, even in the middle of the damn day. Fucking lunch it is.
Pardon me, folks, while I go craft my reply.
That's the spirit. She totally wants you, but at the same time you can feel contempt for her because of her typos. Think of yourself as Howard Rorke.
Typos really bring out the man in you, huh?
Cue date-prep montage, set to "I'm so excited, I just can't hide it!"
189: Tim is worse than Frowner. He seems oblivious to what we're trying to do here.
You read 192 and it's funny, then you light on the name and it's funnier.
"My slut friends have unanimously given me permission to screw your few brains out, sweety".
Heebie, that song has been in my head all evening. But, it's not as much of a coincidence as it first seems, since I happen to be a Pointer Sister.
Well, I mean, you're part of the montage, too. Right?
It's almost frightening how similar this woman's situation is to Elaine Benes's. Only Ogged has so far had more luck than Jimmy.
201: Yeah, maybe. I ban myself.
I can't look away. So I shall start a poll.
Downgraded to lunch:
easy-breezy-I-always-see-him-at-the-pool-at-noon-fun-date or poor-guy-i-feel-like-such-a-fool-pity-date ?
Make a joke about her typo....right before you pull out the robe and wizard hat.
Is there some way we can get this thread emblazoned on a ceremonial plaque so ogged can put it on his mantle?
I'm hoping some day ogged wallpapers his house with printouts of unfogged threads.
I give Ogged credit - I say it's choice A.
So, let's play a little game I like to call Persian Insertion...
Fucking Lunch date accepted. Reply did contain the sentence, "But you should probably let that other guy know that you'd like to go out with him."
210: Dear sir: I am sitting in the smallest room in the house. Your "Innocence" thread is in front of me. Soon, it will be splattered with semen.
This is going to be the most awesome date ever. Poor-guy-I-feel-like-such-a-fool and damnit-I'm-going-to-make-you-regret-that: it's a match made in heaven. I wish I could sell tickets.
Well now, the game is afoot. I say you follow the lead of every man's role model, Monica Lewinsky, and bring her a copy of Nicholson Baker's Vox as a gift.
obviously ogged needs to wear a wire on the date.
213. Ogged is too good for this world—and for sex.
This date needs corporate sponsorship, damnit.
Depending on the context, 213 could either be the thing that wins her over or sends her fleeing.
bring her a copy of Nicholson Baker's Vox as a gift.
Alasdair Gray's 1982 Janine.
If she doesn't laugh at 213, she's humorless and a bad prospect, so nothing lost.
I figure the "let the other guy know" line will tell me if she's funny or not. My impression, based on her manner and a few things she's said, is that she's a bit of an earnest do-gooder. A very cute earnest do-gooder, but still. We'll find out.
Number One with a Bullet: The Rocking Life and Times of .38 Special.
The Outfit: white linen shirt with bolo tie; pleated pants; boxers that say, "WHEN I CLOSE MY EYES YOU'RE SWEDISH".
229: Renaissancey "poet" shirt with the string ties, gold medallion, leather pants.
Including the sword, in case he needs to menace any porn aficianados.
No, no, no. Hipster 70's era polyester shirt and mirrored shades, people.
B, he has a gut, remember. No hipster shirts for him.
The perfect outfit is simple to construct, as long as you include these three elements:
- Big dollar-sign belt buckle
- T-shirt with a picture of your face on it
- Stovepipe hat with a big yellow daisy growing out of the top
Ogged would look great in a 70s polyester shirt of the right shade of yellow, if he weren't so uptight.
234: Hey, it's a manly gut. No problemo.
Dude, you need a big pirate earring.
(The fourth element would be a sport coat covered with question marks, but that would require quite a bit of sewing, which there probably isn't time for right now.)
238: Oh yes, jewelry! Lots and lots of chunky rings, is my vote.
- Stovepipe hat with a big yellow daisy growing out of the top
Is it actually possible to procure on of these? Because that would be *awesome.*
Wooden pole with bandana tied to the end, as a sack to hold his valuables. To go with the stovepipe hat with daisy.
Here's an authentic look, in the lower right corner.
I've been meaning to upload this picture, with my gut and groove conveniently marked for the viewers.
The fourth element would be a sport coat covered with question marks,
Which he could get from Julian Sanchez.
244: HOLY CRAP, man. You're never going to have sex again.
When was 244 taken? It does look much less hairy than the last pic.
Not with a gut like that. Not when there are idle teenagers and hot pool boys to be had.
Ok, get a belly shirt and draw a smiley face on the gut. That's the ticket.
You call that a gut?
Kids these days.
252 and 253 have it right. I thought someone chewed BPhD out a few days ago for making fat people feel bad by saying that thin people are actually fat and unattractive, and here she is doing it again.
Now, let's not dance around the fact that ogged is incredibly fat.
To: ogged
From: Everyone
Re: low rise jeans
Crack is wack. Also, shave that vagina-shaped patch of ass pubes off.
But 255 works so well as a response to 254.
But considering that "a gut" can be useful for the person involved, it makes you keep a close eye on yourself. I'm the same way. I'm not telling anyone to develop an eating disorder or anything, but it's a lot easier to do something about an extra 10 pounds than it is to do something about an extra 50.
Re: low rise jeans
Those aren't low rise jeans; I had to get a bigger size because of my gut, but they're a little loose.
At least we can tell which way the picture is oriented this time.
I don't think that a lifeguard is going to be impressed by Ogged's body nohow. He has to be a suave, brilliant older man wise in the Sufi sex tantra.
Is there any way to turn this misunderstanding into a Gift of the Magi kind of situation?
Luckily John, she's seen me in a bathing suit.
259: Generally agreed, but it's not always the gut that gets the weight first, especially with women.
Do you have any mysterious, sexy-looking Persian books to happen to have with you?
There's a typo in her lunch message. I hate this woman.
The slashes are there only so we can't Google it, and discover she copied a poem from Wilfred Owen.
I've heard that Rumi's "Hundred Jewels of Ecstacy" has some great moves in it.
I'm totally Becks-style, but wanted to say that Heebie and SEK win this thread with 124 and 149, which made me pee a little. Now I'm drinking water and going to bed.
but it's not always the gut that gets the weight first, especially with women.
Is it more difficult to spot for women? I can spot fat gain pretty easily via the disappearance of torso muscle.
I think she means a woman's going to gain weight in her thighs long before she develops a gut.
258: I'm probably too afraid of being taken seriously.
There's a whole discourse on this: pear-shaped (fat butt and legs) vs. apple-shaped (fat gut). The latter is more hazardous to health.
And 244 clearly displays a "tummy," not a "gut," the former being cute, if somewhat embarrassing to the gentleman, and the latter being hard and undismissable, and kinda fetishy, for some ladies.
All of my extra 10 lbs seem to be above my hips and below my pecs.
For a suave, distinguished Sufi tantrist, the tummy is a feature.
AWB was Bruce Willis's girlfriend in Pulp Fiction!
I think she means a woman's going to gain weight in her thighs long before she develops a gut.
I know what she means, but I wonder if it's as immediately noticeable.
Whatever it is, it wasn't there before, and it won't be there in a few months.
279 seems to assume that intensely aerobic sex will be occurring soon. Don't put the cart before the horse, you haven't even employed Option J yet.
249 was actually kind of hot.
281 was not.
254: That was women, who are supposed to be soft and curved. Men are supposed to look like Gael Garcia Marquez.
Bernal, B. Get your crushes straight.
No, I think she wants us to all look like this.
244: Plenty of men are plenty attractive to plenty of women, !even younger women!, with a little softness around the waist. It's all in your self-possession and your willingness to relax and smile. And in the way you move. Grin if you can. Go ahead and be interesting. Who the fuck cares if she doesn't like your interesting? Other people will.
Sorry, but this is all a little weird. It's obvious Ogged's an interesting, appealing man. These contortions and worries, while wholly understandable, are better kept in perspective, no?
Shorter 286: You've still got your personality you fat bastard.
287: Shut up.
"Don't you want to fuck me because of my abs?"
"Don't you want to make love to me because you think I'm really cool?"
I rest my case.
"Yeah baby, you can touch my abs."
"Don't you want to make love to me? Please? Please? I'm really cool."
I've always wondered whether guts really bother women, because the same weight in thighs on women doesn't really bother me. Maybe men overestimate how much guts are unattractive, and women overestimate how much thighs are unattractive.
Doesn't that have to completely depend on the woman? The attendees of the UnfoggeDCon and the denizens of NJ Guido will have wildly differing opinions.
As to where Ogged's lifeguard falls, who can say.
289
Well, no, it doesn't work if you're desperate. If you're desperate, go for the hot body approach. Can't hurt, right?
Or just go for the medium happy body and the medium happy self. And smile, goddammit.
Gael is about 4'10, if that's your thing. And ogged, that is a pretty cool scar.
"Don't you want to make love to me because you think I'm really cool?"
I rest my case.
What Ogged said. "I'm cool, aren't I?" aint a path to the nookie.
What Ogged said. "I'm cool, aren't I?" aint a path to the nookie.
Fucksake. Did my original formulation sound like I was suggesting anyone actually *say that* to someone?
Goes to the motivation for someone wanting to make love. Because they want your hot body, or because they really like you. Pay attention.
The two (interesting body / interesting person) aren't mutually exclusive, of course.
No one's going to sex you up if you're so angry, you know.
Goes to the motivation for someone wanting to make love. Because they want your hot body, or because they really like you.
I don't think Ogged is going to cry himself to sleep if it comes out she's only fucking him because she thinks he's hot.
I'm not angry. True, I messed up the italics in my last comment. Apparently.
I'm trying to make a point (dammit): those who are worried about their bodies are less likely to find congenial sexual partners than those who are less concerned about it.
Find health.
You're not the first to mention the anger, though. I hope it was a throwaway remark.
I wouldn't blame you too much for being angry, since I'm pretty sure gswift and I have been yanking your chain since 287.
Now I'm off to bed.
The sooner you show you're dcomfrotable not being SuperHottnessBrah she first thought of, the more confident you appear. THats the best thing to happen to you. You will totally sneak in the back door. Most girls have no defense to the low key confident guy.
Me, yank chains? Never.
But this:
those who are worried about their bodies are less likely to find congenial sexual partners than those who are less concerned about it.
I think is wrong is this situation. In the circles I run in, when I think of who's scoring the non relationship sex from hot chicks in their early 20's, it ain't the "chubby but interesting" guys.
In like flint, Ogg. Although i didn't read the thread.
You will totally sneak in the back door.
If Ogged gets anal on the first date, he's the king.
In like flint, Ogg
In like Flynn.
Damn, I miss all the best bits whilst I'm asleep. Glad there's been some resolution to the story - when is the Fucking Lunch then?
And re 244, 246, 247 - I looked at the picture, and thought yeah, I'd do that (unless he's ugly. Is he ugly?). I'm 2 years older than Ogged though, and in ogged-years that's probably about 20, so I'll just go and admire my thighs.
And - "in like flint"? Isn't it "flynn"?
(Note to self - do not get distracted whilst writing comments and then not preview and let w-lfs-n look cleverer.)
So when is this lunch date? I want to clear out my schedule for the postmortem thread.
Is there any possibility of you liveblogging this?
Stash a laptop in the bathroom, ogged. Claim frequent indigestion, post frequent updates.
errrmmm ... while I'm sure that nobody intended anything but the best of good humour in each individual comment, if you read the whole thing from start to finish, the cumulative effect is really quite unattractive and even nauseating. It is like overhearing one of those conversations in locker rooms that reminds you why you don't like the men who are having them.
Ogged, that's the most wussy gut I've ever heard called a gut. Puh-leeze.
Speaking for myself, I was just expressing the grumbly and malicious personal pathology upon which my anti-relationship philosophy is grounded. This is something that happily married people who (possibly sincerely) claim to be Welsh cannot understand.
It's like I conjured a suitor from a counterfactual world to cockblock me.
I'll bet he's Iraqi.
I'm totally with the people who think this is like a 21st Century Cyrano de Bergerac! She loves your fine words but thinks you are some other sexxy Christian-type fellow. So the next step is simple. Figure out who she thinks you are. Ideally this man will be gay. Get the gay man to take her out but have him wear an earbud cell phone. You will whisper clever repartee to him.
We need a better ending than you dying in the lifeguard's arms saying that no one can take your panache away, though.
I've no idea what "cumulative effect" dsquared is talking about in 310. This is an enormously amusing example of Unfogged-ness.
"Don't you want to make love to me because you think I'm really cool?"
The euphemism "make love" is banned from this blog. If any guy asked me that, the answer would be "no".
315: The Welsh are notoriously humorless.
The persians are besieging her Hot Gates.
The update is not clear, at least to me, about where things stand now.
319 - Were you to proposition me, I doubt that's the phrase you'd use.
Where he thought they stood initially, IDP.
The update is not clear, at least to me, about where things stand now.
Makin' babies, IDP, makin' babies.
Is this her year of saying Yes? Will you be in her book?
Don't all you Iranians know each other? I'm shocked one of the guys who got a phone call wasn't like "oh? him?"
Were you to proposition me, I doubt that's the phrase you'd use.
"At last, I have you in my clutches. To have my way with you. The way I want to."
329 - I like the extraneous "The way I want to."
324: Wow, you really were hammered at UnfoggeDCon, weren't you?
Ah, so she didn't actually have a particular other guy in mind at all? If she hadn't made that reference to a different pool, maybe she would have fooled you into thinking she knew who you were.
It's like I conjured a suitor from a counterfactual world to cockblock me.
Let's hope you don't play out the rest of the plot of Fight Club as well.
Were you to proposition me, I doubt that's the phrase you'd use.
Yeah, how would Apo proposition Becks?
This is a link for heebie.
how would Apo proposition Becks?
More better link for heebie.
Oooooooooooh. I'll e-mail Mel Brooks and tell him I like the redundancy.
318 S/B "the supposed Welsh are nototiously humorless".
Wait, this girl accepts dates without caring who's asking? You don't have her email handy, do you?
328: When the Iranian tree kicks in and everyone calls their moms who then call their aunts, the lifeguard will get Ogged's whole genealogy, including several different versions about the scandal involving his great-uncle.
OT: The new round of Dove natural beauty ads, this one more on age than weight.
This is astounding for many reasons, not the least of which is that she has so many Iranian acquaintances that could be plausibly asking her out that such confusion arises.
Milking this for every drop, you shameless attention seeker!! And if you score, will we ever hear the end of it?
I don't know A Iranian, let alone MANY Iranians, to necessitate an Iranian rack.
342: Same reaction I had to previous campaign. They are beautiful, so much more like real women that the impact is startling, like you'd walked in on someone by mistake, a feeling you don't get with most ads and models, who may as well be statuary.
The sort of thing that could give you the horn.
But isn't the product a sort of nonsense?
An Iranian rack only requires one Iranian woman, hb-gb.
Does the ICD-9 have a "Dates Iranians" category? Is it merged with the "Dates Persians" category, or are they ditinct pathologies?
The sort of thing that could give you the horn.
Not just could. But then I've long been in the "older women are teh hott" camp.
The women in the campaign look so much more... alive. It was something obvious I hadn't really picked up on, but usual magazine shots airbrush away all personality.
"usual magazine shots" s/b "heavy drug use"
253: Exactly. All y'all (including dsqured) who are tut-tutting about Ogged dating threads need some serious humor reeducation. Even *I* know that the rules are (1) give Ogged shit; and (2) encourage him to get some nookie, because he's hung up on this "but I don't loove her" thing.
284: What can I say, they all look alike after a while.
Update: I am beginning to really like this woman, O. Don't screw it up.
