I like the people who ask Google questions, as if it were the Oracle at Delphi.
1: I love that. Because of the title of my blog, I get lots of people asking "Is it a sin to make out?" and "Is it a sin to jerkoff?" and "Where can I find picture of Jesus to forgive my sexual sin?" That's my favorite one.
2: You should have a FAQ responding to the top ten such. In a kind, if corrective, way.
I'm googling "Will A White Bear have hot Monkey Sex this weekend."
4: Let's not taunt AWB about sex right now.
Ingredients of A White Bear include an unknown glowing substance which fell to Earth, presumably from outer space.
I hate to think that we led that sixth searcher there to Ann Althouse.
Sifu, I could've commented over there, but what the hell: this killed me the other day.
Resume Google-speak.
zombie joseph beuys
My work here is done.
A White Bear is coming down to Austin this weekend! She just hasn't realized it yet.
Will we have HMS, Heebie? I'm very vulnerable.
Will we have HMS, Heebie? I'm very vulnerable.
Somebody's gonna have High School Musical all night!
I'm told Herricks Middle School is very well reputed.
yes we ARE having heavy melting scrap! Oh yes we are! And lots of it!
I'm gonna get get get you drunk, get you... uh... nevermind.
So, I have a question. Is there a better way to say "I'd like to hook up with someone at upcoming event X, preferably you, but if you're not interested maybe your friend who seems to be into me"?
23 -- That's actually quite well-worded -- I would use that verbatim.
23: I think your approach should involve this Will Smith song.
You're arranging the hookup in advance? I'd say just play it by ear at the actual event.
Suppers on, AWB, suppers on. Come and get it!
The juxtaposition of 24 and 25 is delightful. Doesn't help much, unfortunately.
28: What did I say about taunting? I've seen your ass, remember.
27: That technique has proved to be markedly unsuccessful in the past.
Suppers on, AWB, suppers on. Come and get it!
Hot monkey stroganoff!
So, I have a question. Is there a better way to say "I'd like to hook up with someone at upcoming event X, preferably you, but if you're not interested maybe your friend who seems to be into me"?
I know it seems a little early in your sexual career for complex maneuvers, Teo, but this does seem like a potentially workable way to get a group thing happening. You act so innocent, but we know you're not.
Dear so-and-so,
I plan to bang, and will most assuredly be taking out that thang.
Smokey Bear says not to taunt the bears, because they'll attack. But he's not here, now is he.
23.---I'm so very sorry, but you already know what the answer is.
You're basically talking about a variation of the notorious "roommate swap"--in which you go from hooking up with a particular girl to hooking up with her roommate. This is an advanced technique, one not to be attempted by the faint of heart. I urge caution.
I could actually use a serious answer to this question.
39: You might want to actually ask those two questions seperately. Maybe give the first turn down a little while so you can pretend it's sinking in?
There's no way to say anything that you don't want Girl 2 to hear eventually.
38: Yeah, pretty much, which is why I'm concerned about not making any huge mistakes at the asking stage.
Teo, seriously, not only is it best to try to get together with one woman at a time (very liberally defined here as "a single evening"), but you might also reconsider macking on two friends. My advice is: carefully, carefully.
41: That's what I've been thinking, but the problem is that Girl 2 is kind of the subject of the conversation so far.
39: You could try asking each girl for advice, because there's this girl you like, and it's someone she knows really well, so if she doesn't seem too interested personally, you can tell her it's the roommate. But I think I saw that in a movie once and it didn't work out too well.
More seriously, you have to figure out which is the girl path more likely to put pan out. You're likely not going to end up with a person if they feel like they're your second choice.
38 -- 5-yard penalty for "Seinfeld" reference.
Are these two girls close friends?
Why is the site so creaky tonight? It's taking forever to post, and I keep getting pwned.
Make the explicit overture to the one you like best, and if she's game, great, if not, see what happens with the other, but don't make any explicit overture to woman 2 before the fact, because she'll hear about the first one and feel played (she might feel played anyway, but it's safer if things just develop in the event).
47: See, the problem is that I think Girl 2 is the path more likely to pan out, but I would really much prefer to go with Girl 1 if at all possible. Girl 1 is also the one I'm currently communicating with.
45: Whose stearing the conversation towards thefriend, you or teocrush? If the former then I'd take that as a signal that teocrush knows better than you which young woman is into you.
50 - It's been like this for a couple of days. We couldn't even break 400 comments the other night without it slowing to crawl. I blame teo, if only to pile it on.
That's a Seinfeld reference? I was talking about my old friend from college, Nick.
49: Yes.
53: In the immediate conversation, me.
If you don't hustle it up, Ogged, Teo's going to get laid before you do.
The site creakiness may have something to do with the fact that we've had a serious traffic spike this week. We've gone from our usual ~23,000 hits per day to ~30,000. So it's all your fault.
Why should the aged eagle spread its wings, young Becks?
Ogged, your only hope is to seduce Teo now. At least that way you'll tie.
Girl 2 is the path more likely to pan out, but I would really much prefer to go with Girl 1 if at all possible.
Then you have to make a strategic choice. Whichever you pick, though, you won't be able to switch--you're pretty much locked in (at least for that one night) once you move beyond a certain point.
you guys have been hiding all the advice in this thread! no fair.
If they're close friends, then you might want to back away from macking on friend #2. It sounds as though you've been pursuing friend #1; friend #2 might have warm feelings toward you because she's happy to see you pursue her friend, or maybe she's in secret competition with her friend. Either way, you want to be careful jumping ship, as you could get crushed between them.
I am in favor of macking and making mistakes, though. You're graduating soon. Carpe diem.
For some reason memory use is maxed out at the moment; I'm going to try restarting the web server. Things might blink out for a few seconds.
Here's what you've got to do, Teo:
(1) Purchase large aviator sunglasses at a drugstore.
(2) Score with chikz and their friends.
Okay, to give some context, here's a rough outline of the conversation thus far:
Me: So, um, is Girl 2 only coming to Event X in order to hook up with me?
Girl 1: Well, I'd like to think she wants to spend time with me before I leave for the summer, but you never know...
Me (verbatim): I can see that; it's largely why I'm coming, too. But seriously, do you think this is something she has in mind?
Girl 1 (also verbatim except for my name): well teo, i think the question is what do you have in mind?....
23: There is no way to say that without coming across as a cad. There's a very scant possibility that the woman in question will be understanding about it on account of your acute inexperience, but it's a caddish question.
If Teo gets them drunk and has his first time be a threesome, he's the king.
go for the one you like, teo. and don't tell either of them ahead of schedule. first, buy the sunglasses.
it's so easy! I wish I had me back in the day.
You don't have to go all the way to Event X to hook up with yourself, teo.
70 gets it exactly right.
This lab closes at midnight, so if anyone has any other advice go for it.
50 - It's been like this for a couple of days. We couldn't even break 400 comments the other night without it slowing to crawl. I blame teo, if only to pile it on.
You only worry about probabilities when you aren't really interested in anyone. If you are interested in Girl1, what's the point in hooking up with her friend, except for making everyone miserable? To tell us about it on unfogged?
On second thought, try to hook up with both of them in the same night, just to see if you can.
72: Dude, my first time was this close to being a threesome. That missed opportunity still haunts me.
Why not just go for broke and lay a price on that precious V of yours? There could be bidding and everything!
Rebuild failed: Renaming tempfile '/var/www/unfogged/html/archives/week_2007_04_15.html.new' failed: Renaming '/var/www/unfogged/html/archives/week_2007_04_15.html.new' to '/var/www/unfogged/html/archives/week_2007_04_15.html' failed: No such file or directory
Not it!
I have gerbil, do I hear monkey? Monkey. Monkey, going once...
Obviously, I'm having trouble commenting. Ignore me...at your peril.
Wait, so do you have any actual evidence that thefriend is into you? Teocrush's comments certainly don't imply that she does. If thefriend were known to be into you then Teocrush would probably have answered your question differently.
If you are interested in Girl1, what's the point in hooking up with her friend, except for making everyone miserable?
That the friend seems to be very interested in me.
The friend's interest is not very apparent from the summary of the conversation I gave, but it's pretty clear from my previous interactions with her.
54/77/81 are cool.
79 -- I had a similar near-miss except it did not result in a "first time" or any sort of sexual gratification for me. But it was a close thing, I'm tellin ya.
Any way you cut it = learning experience. Impossible to predict the best way to handle it. Take chances, and enjoy yourself.
At this point, the obvious thing is to go to the event, wear something really cute, and go home with the one who's talking to you the most.
I can pretty much guarantee that if you say anything to either woman that's at all like the question you're asking here? Neither of them will have anything to do with you.
go home with the one who's talking to you the most
For reasons I'm not going to go into, this is not really a practical option.
At least you haven't reached this point, teo.
That's a weird conversation. What's with Teocrush? Personally, if I was interested in someone, no fucking way would I be taking her places where I knew there'd be a dude who was also into her.
What's with Teocrush?
That's what I'm trying to figure out.
For reasons I'm not going to go into, this is not really a practical option.
I am baffled. Is it a Quiet Party?
91: They share one set of vocal chords and pass them back and forth?
Oh, man, Teo. It sounds like Girl #1 is enjoying (perhaps in a masochistic way) the idea of your being excited by Girl #2. It does sound as though Girl #1 might be much more interested in you than she's been able to let on.
If Girl #2 is more conventionally attractive, and you two hook up, neither of the women will ever be able to forgive you.
Clearly I need to explain this more. I'll try to find another lab, since this one's about to close.
Dude, my first time was this close to being a threesome. That missed opportunity still haunts me.
Holy shit. I've never been within a country mile of one, but I think it's safe to say that regret will stay with you until death.
I'm thinking they're sharing a room.
They're roommates?
They're mother-daughter?
72 -- a better alternative to "getting them drunk and having his first time be a threesome" might be, for young Teo himself to get roaring, falling-down drunk while the girlz remain pretty sober, and then weeping lay all his worries and troubles on their compassionate ears. And at the end of all this make a very sloppy pass at one or both of them. That would rule. But I'm trying to figure out how live-blogging could enter into the picture and I'm not seeing it.
It's actually one girl with multiple personalities?
85 is nonresponsive.
Put it another way. Let's say you DO THE DEED with Girl2. Are you still interested in Girl1? I mean, we here at unfogged want to hear juicy tales. But for you, Teo, DOING THE DEED at all costs is not in your best interest, not if it means putting you farther from someone you actually dig.
By all means DO THE DEED, just not with your crush's friend, in a venue such that she will know about it immediately. And don't ask her advice about it.
Teo, here's your response:
Girl 2 is great, and in other circumstances I could see us really hitting it off, but what do *I* want? Honestly, like I said, to hang out with you--I think you're great.
Then if she disses you, mack on Girl 2, and then look at her and say "Circumstances changed, bitch."
P.S. neither of the women will ever be able to forgive you.
And that might be okay, since you all are graduating soon, and despite what everyone says, you probably will never see these people again.
91 needs to be read with the knowledge that Teo is in linguistics.
I was thinking the answer was that Teo's deaf, and then I felt all bad because I was mocking his disability, and then I was thinking well, but that's kind of neat that he might hook up a threesome, being deaf and all, and then I was thinking why should that be neat, especially?
You have to choose one to pursue, which it seems like you already did. You hold limited power in this situation, as they outnumber you and can plot against you. They are most likely now going to talk together about what to do re you. This could benefit or frustrate you, but either way, now that you got the thing started by talking to Girl A about Girl B, it will get shaken out somehow, and with little influence from you.
Perhaps Girl A is at this very moment IMing Girl B to say "Hey, I thought teo liked me, but now he's asking me if you're available. Do you think he likes me?" There's any number of things they can decide to do.
108 is great, and handily explains the Girl 2-related feelers you've been putting out as an excuse to chat with Girl-1
108 is very deft. I second that strategy.
108 is very deft. I second that strategy.
I think, at this point in your college career, Girl1 in the hand is simply better than Girl2 in the bush. Or vice-versa. The important thing is that you emerge from college fully prepared for the challenges you will face out in the world. And while being a virgin in college is within the bounds of totally adorable, once you get out of college, it gets 20 times harder to lose it. Take it from my old roommate, who, though a totally adorable gymnastics instructor, couldn't pay to have that damn V excised for a long time after graduation. She was just busy as an undergrad! Then suddenly it became this huge deal!
I'm glad to say, that sad time has passed.
108 is very deft. I second that strategy.
Teo, get together with both of them, make sure that Brahms' Horn Trio is playing in the background, and let the magic happen. At least I think that's how it happened in this movie.
I think, at this point in your college career, Girl1 in the hand is simply better than Girl2 in the bush. Or vice-versa. The important thing is that you emerge from college fully prepared for the challenges you will face out in the world. And while being a virgin in college is within the bounds of totally adorable, once you get out of college, it gets 20 times harder to lose it. Take it from my old roommate, who, though a totally adorable gymnastics instructor, couldn't pay to have that damn V excised for a long time after graduation. She was just busy as an undergrad! Then suddenly it became this huge deal!
I'm glad to say, that sad time has passed.
Deafness is not a disability, Sifu. You bigot.
101: Dude. The experience is not to be missed. It really is as good as it seems like it should be. And the bragging rights have been a real bonus--I've been rubbing it in to my buddies for a decade.
I'm such a gentleman.
DAMNIT! Look at all those repititions. Stupid, stupid Heebie.
I am getting rebuild errors all over the place. So now I sound insane.
Ok, who let in the evil-alien-mecha-sheep?
I'm back. Some of the recent comments have come close to getting the situation. They go to a different school than I do and this event will be held at yet another school, so whatever ends up happening this is basically a one-shot deal. So yes, they will most likely be sharing a room (although the arrangements are not yet quite final).
I just thought you really liked my comment, heebie.
122 would have had a link if ogged hadn't banned them. And if I weren't so lazy. And if the blog weren't broken.
123: Agreed. I stared down subway trains for like a month afterward, thinking, "But now the best days of my life are behind me. What purpose can there be, now?"
I'm a student from the school of hard knocks, B.
So yes, they will most likely be sharing a room (although the arrangements are not yet quite final).
Well, now you've settled on Thefriend as the one you're pursuing, in the eyes of both of them, am I right? So the only way you can end up with Teocrush is if you have failed to detect that she actually likes you more than Thefriend does, and Teocrush (or both of them together) decide to steer you toward her instead. Or I think that's the case anyway.
122: Hey, I'm half deaf, hearie.
they outnumber you and can plot against you
Hmmmmmmm. Maybe this attitude, and not shyness, was your problem with women in the past, Mr. Ned.
You can always tell who's really turned a triple play from who hasn't by whether or not they acknowledge the awkwardness. I mean, really, keeping everyone happy requires choreography ... and who choreographs drunk and horny? No one, that's who. (Also, having unhappy people in the room while doing the nasty, it ain't all it's cracked up to be.) That said, teo seems to be in the ideal situation, since they both seem sort of interested. Go for it, teo!
I agree that 108 is very good, and I will most likely say something like that. Thanks, Chopper.
Dude, unless you think Girl #1 is someone you would actually pursue a long-distance thing with, I'm totally dropping my advice in 108. Go for girl #2--at this point in your career, go for the easy layup.
131 - think how haunted you'll be if you don't act on this weekend!
once you get out of college, it gets 20 times harder to lose it.
This I don't get. Why would you mention this in advance?This is something that has come up with a friend of mine--she's had several opportunities fizzle out because she let slip before things got too far along that she was a virgin. I keep telling her to stay mum about that particular aspect of her life, but she doesn't listen.
136: It's not awkward if you explain ahead of time to everyone what their job is, early in the evening, while you're still getting that stubborn last party on-board.
122 - Tell that to the deaf guy. I miss half of what people mumble under their breath. I'm disabled!
Fuck, as soon as I accept Chopper's advice he withdraws it. Now what?
141 - That's a great conversation to have in a pre-drunk hypothetical, but let me tell you, when it comes down to the niceties of blocking, people want to know how best to get off.
142: Yup. On the other hand I'm very good at extracting meaning from fragmentary context.
136: Drunk? Awkward. High? Man, everyone's got the time to just chill, take a toke, watch, join in when joining in seems like a good idea, chill out when that seems right...
Yeah.
whatever deaf SEK can't even hear mumble mumble sheesh
139: Honestly, this is terribly tempting, but I do have friends coming into town this weekend. Because I must entertain, I cannot be entertained!
when it comes down to the niceties of blocking, people want to know how best to get off.
Not if we're talking cockblocking.
It really is as good as it seems like it should be.
As a married man, this is exactly what I don't want to hear. Shit.
Man, could me and SEK be any cooler? We both have crappy hearing and threesome experience. We're like a couple of Camaros from being the half-deaf Riptide.
Instead of giving Teo advice, which we've been doing for at least a year, shouldn't we tell him that we won't accept failure and that how it gets done is up to him?
Teo--go with your gut. My 108 gives you a good line to play if you reall want to pursue Girl #1 to the exclusion of a surer thing.
148 - Actually, Jammies has friends coming in too, and I should really be around for that. But I had a feeling you had an unbreakable committment, so that freed me up to apply heavy metal scrap peer-pressure.
It's important for everyone to feel they have a job to do all the time. So a non-drunk semi-hypothetical assessment of skills is the first object. Then you can get everyone drunk enough to get them to consent. Then one person should busy themselves elsewhere while the other two get things going, so there's no awkward beginning. Voila! Suddenly everyone remembers their assignment from earlier that evening.
151 - but there was only one threesome total. So yes, you two could be cooler.
Go for girl #2--at this point in your career, go for the easy layup.
You are a living god, Chopper. You should set up a hotline. I'm totally serious.
155 sounds like the kind of thing that the Abu Ghraib MP interrogators were told so their superiors could maintain plausible deniability.
154: You could, uh (digging toe in sand), come here sometime, right? So many of us are here!
The only advice I have for téo: keep your damn mouth shut and go with whichever seems more likely to pan out once you're there. Anything you say can and will be used against you in the court of booty, and nothin' doin' about takin' no fifth.
Is that your idea of a threesome, Chopper?
The comment so nice, I said it thrice!
Chopper, if you coach teo up and get him into a threesome, your name will burn forever in the night sky.
Okay, the "wait until you get there" stuff just isn't going to work at all, and I already know which one seems more likely to pan out. Plus I have to respond somehow to this question I've been asked.
nothin' doin' about takin' no fifth
But you do have the right not to inseminate yourself.
This question you've been asked seems more and more ominous the more I ponder it. It makes me think they've already been discussing you and wondering if you were planning to start hitting on one of them.
151 - Legally deaf, dawg. Give me some love! (You Jewish too? 'Cause in this other place I frequent, we have a Deaf Jew Mafia started. Not sure what we're market we're going to corner, but it'll involve bitchin' TTY-tech, I can assure you.)
Aw, heck with it. Go for the three.
159 - Is the toe-digging-in-sand bashful or confrontational?
Either way, there's a pretty good chance I'll be taking a trip that way over the summer. Don't know when yet, though.
I say go for the girl more likely to pan out. Not only is hooking up more likely to happen, I think you'll be able to enjoy it more because there will be less pressure. There will be fewer of the "does she really like me?" worries while you're making out and trying to figure out where things are going to lead for the evening. Better to be able to kick back and enjoy things than to have to worry more about how further advances will be received. Things will be easier for you if she's really into it.
170: Thanks.
171: I'm quite certain something like that's the case, and my main concern now is trying to figure out what exactly they've been saying about me.
174: It's very cute. I promise.
So much good advice here! 108 (and 123, and 131) are very solid, but the "easy layup" is pretty conclusive, to my thinking.
Never forget the value of alcohol as a social lubricant. And the rule with lubricant is to err on the heavy side.
175: All true, but I'm not really as into her, which is what's bothering me.
167 -- You don't have to answer the question you've been asked. You should answer the question you wish you had been asked.
You should answer the question you wish you had been asked.
This doesn't seem like a good way to go in general.
176: Maybe you should make a direct but facetious question as to what they've been saying about you then. Perhaps they think their plotting is going undetected,.
181: Don't knock it. That's probably how Dubya reproduced. (In addition to his family pedigree and buckets of cash, I mean.)
So, I have a question. Is there a better way to say "I'd like to hook up with someone at the upcoming unfogged meetup, preferably you, but if you're not interested maybe a lurker who seems to be into me"?
but I'm not really as into her, which is what's bothering me.
Damnit kid, you haven't been "into" anyone yet. Listen to Chopper.
Never forget the value of alcohol as a social lubricant. And the rule with lubricant is to err on the heavy side.
There are, um, risks involved with that, of course.
All true, but I'm not really as into her, which is what's bothering me.
The point is to get into her, Teo--you don't start there.
Teo, you have to put all your cards on the table for Teocrush. And by cards, I mean balls.
179 -- But when the clock strikes 12, the coach turns into a pumpkin, and all the horses to mice. There's a very limited opportunity at this here ball, and the difference between how deeply into Girl1 you are as opposed to how deeply into Girl2 sounds well within the margin of error for the whole equation (to change metephors).
And it doesn't matter whether you know what they've been saying to each other. They'll do what they do. All you have to do is read carefully, and say as little of the meta stuff as is necessary.
And by table, he means chopping block.
179: So don't pursue girl #2 if you're really not that interested. If you're going to be asking "Do I really like her?" it doesn't seem to be an improvement over not wondering if she's asking the corresponding question about you.
(Where's Emerson anyway? Isn't this his job?)
"Get into her, Teo/You don't start there" could well have been a Rick Springfield lyric.
179: remember, how into her you are is a function of, among other things, your alcohol consumption.
Unless someone has had some sort of foursome, teo, you should be listening to chopper. And buying a webcam.
There are, um, risks involved with that, of course.
Teo's going to end up passed out on the couch and Teocrush is going to end up sleeping with Chopper.
122: Sorry, I couldn't quite hear you.
181 -- That I really meant. There's plenty about this kind of interaction that is totally out of your hands, but you get to decide on what words come out of your own mouth. You can advance your narrative, if you're not obvious or impolite about it.
192: The condom is the glass slipper of our generation.
NONE OF US KNOW THESE GIRLS, therefore a large proportion of the advice should be completely ignored as irrelevant.
End up? She already has. We rode away on my motorcycle. Teo wore a porkpie hat and looked forlorn, then resolved to make her a mix tape.
Why don't you email both of them saying that you're that guy from down at the place, and then go with whichever one correctly understands who you are?
203: Yerroner, I was only checking to see which of the three sisters it fit!
This is when we all really wish that chopper still had his blackberry pearl. Real-time advice is so much more useful.
207: Ogged's strategy can't work for everyone. It didn't even work for Ogged.
164: Huh? I thought "threesome" meant "using both hands."