Is it impossible just to try to treat him like anyone else in your subfield? To include him on panels, in journal issues, and so on only where his work / standing / research merits it? To what extent do you 'help' other people in your field in this way?
I am not an academic, so my advice is worth very little, but Blume's advice makes sense to me.
Treat him like you didn't know him before meeting him at the conference. Would you help out a stranger in your field? Probably only if colleagues recommended it based on his ability- do they? He shouldn't derive any benefit from his relationship with you, and if you don't want to get revenge, he shouldn't be harmed either- judge him on his merits in the field.
Living well is the best revenge, so you need to figure out a way to interact in a normal professional way with the guy, so as not to make conferences or whatnot miserable for yourself by turning them back into highschool cafeteria stuff. (And also so as not to create the impression of having a vendetta.) But you're under absolutely no obligation to help him advance his career (which sounds like largely a failure already anyway) or go out of your way to issue invitations or create opportunities. If the justification for doing so is supposed to be that this would raise the profile of your shared subfield, the obvious response is to say that the best way to do that is to do excellent work yourself and train students to do the same.
What the rest said, with this note: if he stinks at doing Subfield X and thus a fair assessment denies him any involvement in panels you organize it is totally OK to rub your hands together and chuckle but only if you're where no one else can see you.
I say don't reach out to him; just be cooly professional when you see him. Learn to say hello and engage, if necessary, in short, neutral, meaningless conversation: are you enjoying the conference, how is your teaching, did you hear so-and-so's paper. It's not at all hard to sort of nod and make neutral sounds, or to issue pat professional soundbites ("I like my job very much") if he asks you questions, and if he gets too personal ("so, it's REALLY nice to see you again") just stay neutral ("thank you") and change the subject.
If he asks *you* for a favor, like by submitting an abstract to a panel you're on or a paper to a journal issue, then either farm out the submission (blind) to a colleague whose judgment you trust or, if you can, evaluate it cooly on its merits. If it's good, include it; if not, then don't. In fact, if he does ask you for favors, you might say something like "considering our past history, I think it would be best for us both if you submit work to me blind, so that I don't have to worry about whether or not I'm showing favoritism."
I don't think you're required to go out of your way for him. I think you are required to be as professional as you can. Which luckily can be done in a cool, impersonal tone.
(And after all, given your description of his history, he may not publish much and might be out of the field in a few years, and it'll be good if no one can bitchily say that it was somehow your fault.)
Is it possible to develop a sort of chilly condescension, rather than high drama? Be the bigger person, yes, but you don't owe it to him to make him feel good about himself. Also, I see no reason why, if people ask why you're not including him, you can't say, just simply, that you have a history, that you don't get along, and leave it at that. If people press you for details, you can always say you want other people to make up their own minds about him, that it's personal, that it's old stuff, etc.
I don't think I agree with the advice which suggests that you need to ignore things you know about him from your relationship. It's reasonable to give him a chance to see if he's changed, but if you have reason to think that, for example, his personality would make him a bad fit for some kind of collaborative project, and the reason you have to think that is because of your past involvement, you don't need to ignore that.
I think that by refusing to take revenge just because you don't personally feel like it, you're spitting in the face of those of us who will probably never be able to take revenge, even though we still hold a grudge. Think of someone besides yourself.
I also wanted to add that a similar thing happened to a friend of mine. The reason she ended up in grad school was that a handsome young prof took her in hand, made her love both him and theory at the same time. On one hand, it gave her life a direction it badly needed, but on the other, he put her in a lot of awkward and painful situations (they are both married, not to each other), and still occasionally does so, at conferences where they are sure to meet up.
She eventually came to the conclusion that she was never going to be able to resent the man that was responsible (even if in a creepy way) for helping her get her life in gear. She was really headed nowhere good until him. Now she realizes that, yes, he took advantage, and no, she's not even that impressed by him anymore, but she is grateful to him anyhow, whether his motives were pure or not, whether his actions were honorable or not. It was all just a scene in her past that had a lot to do, eventually, with her building a happy life for herself.
Does that help at all?
John, I think someone needs an attitude transplant. Why aren't you empowered around your own revenge?
See B's 7 for the best take, IMHO. But I would that there is not only the professional ethical standards to which you have a duty emanating from Pure Reason to follow, but you should also be concerned with how this situation looks to others. Academe is cloistered and gossipy, and small subfields especially so, so not only should you follow B's advice but you should make it very clear to some people you trust just what you're doing. The last thing you want is for him to put you into a precarious position because you slipped up once without anyone to back you up.
"But I would that" --> "But I would add that"
Re: #10. I don't know about the rest of you, but I for one eagerly await the publication of Emerson's Guide to Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence in Ethics.
Living well is the best revenge only if you can't get into "To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women". So, to really live well, you need to go out of your way to help this guy (but not if it will damage you professionally), and make sure everyone knows you're doing it out of pity.
I think the key phrase in your post is "I don't want to." That tells me enough: you have every right to quietly and politely choose not to work with someone who brings negativity to your life. Unless this person is working on something particularly new and significant to your field - something you absolutely want to see included on a panel / in a publication - then do not feel pressured by others to include him. It may be a small subfield, but there must be others he can publish and work with - you shouldn't feel any guilt for choosing not to bring a person who has already proven himself to be toxic back into your life, in either a personal or professional setting. Especially if he's been sitting on his ass where research is concerned. Other people can organize panels too.
As for providing an explanation to your peers, your past relationship with him is none of their business. You are not blackballing, nor seeking revenge. You are simply articulating what makes you comfortable. Perhaps if they are so enthusiastic about his work, they would be willing to co-author or co-present with him? Then you would have that extra buffer, which would hopefully give you the space you need to avoid direct communication with someone who caused you a lot of pain.
You had a fling over one summer and a bit sixteen years ago. It was a painful break-up.
Assuming that's all it is, and there aren't more details (no divorces, no abandoned children, no disfiguring diseases...), then it seems strange that this should even be an issue sixteen years hence.
You owe the guy professional courtesy, no more, no less. If his work's good and you're interested in it, fine. If you're not, also fine. One summer of lovin' does not a deep and abiding attachment make.
I concur with all that it is weird to think you have a positive duty to help this guy out.
OTOH, as someone who has been adjuncting and not publishing his dissertation for nearly a decade, I do want to strenuously deny that this is any indication that he is a looser who will never accomplish anything professionally anyway.
adjuncting
Thought you were an assistant professor? Is this a distinction without a difference?
"you have every right to quietly and politely choose not to work with someone who brings negativity to your life."
This makes sense as a self-contained statement, but I don't know that it frames the issue correctly. Unless there are glaring details that we're missing, I'd go with Cala and comments 1-3.
She doesn't appear to be over it by any stretch of the imagination. Resentment, anger, etc, are still there.
As others have said, if she is over it, she should treat him as she would any other professional in her field, no more or no less.
There isn't a great way to crush him or pretend he doesn't exist without that negatively impacting her.
The author of the submission is demonstrably not an academic manquée: an egregious charter violation. One suspects the newbies have stopped reading the founding documents.
Toodle pip!
Would it be worth sacrificing her own career in order to get revenge? I'd say probably yes, but she seems to have drunk the "turn the other cheek" Koolaid. She will have to make her own decision, no matter how weenie and namby-pamby that decision turns out to be.
Heebie G seems to have developed a persistently negative attitude. Hopefully someone will find a way to talk to her about this.
I endorse the route proposed in 7. Not only is it a practical way to avoid having to be either fakely helpful or explicitly unhelpful, it will also make you feel superiorly professional and classy.
20: *Visiting* Assistant Professor, for 8 years at 3 institutions in 3 states. It is much better than straight adjuncting, as you get all your work from one place and are paid like a professional. But it ain't the tenure track. I'm bitter because I have to move again, as my current appointment is up.
re 15: Have you found a publisher yet, John? Or is your book on relationships coming out first?
treat him like you'd treat anyone else
get custom made voodoo-doll or punching bag
if your field pays well, get actual therapy. Shit, 16 years???
I am actually collecting a bunch of pieces from my blog to self-publish through Lulu. But probably not the relationship counseling.
28: Why would I stop loving you
a hundred years from now?
It's only time.
as someone who has been adjuncting and not publishing his dissertation for nearly a decade, I do want to strenuously deny that this is any indication that he is a looser who will never accomplish anything professionally anyway.
I think I'm the one that suggested this, and keep in mind that I haven't even *thought* about publishing my dissertation and I quit my job. :P
I agree that feeling this hung up sixteen years on seems a little, uh, odd.
Question:
Is this subfield that you are in called "Relationship Mending?"
Yeah, is there a hard question here? Clearly the thing to do is to get him to start a porny anime blog, so that everyone knows you're living better.
29: Seriously, I think that's great, John.
Not so seriously, I'll bet the owners of e-harmony and match.com are breathing giant sighs of relief that you are not publishing your book on relationships.
Like marriages, grudges should be for life.
You got an article out of your dissertation, B. I didn't start publishing until I buried my dissertation in a box in the backyard.
But, you know, Locke didn't write the work that made him famous until he was 58. Allow me my small hopes.
Actually, I shouldn't complain at all. This very morning I got a TT job offer at a community college. It looks like I will have job security after all. I'm still waiting to hear from two jobs at 4 year colleges.
Here's a question: has the charming fellow *himself* asked you to help him out? From the original post, I gather only that various other people in the field have made this request of you. If he doesn't ask it himself, it's perhaps presumptuous to think he even wants/needs your help. And you wouldn't want to be presumptuous, right?
36: Congratulations!!! I'm gearing up to force myself to start *looking* for jobs. This summer. No, really.....
Great Pumpkin, people, cannot anyone in modern society spell "loser"??? One "o", damn it, one "o".
I see a contradiction in "I'm so past him" and "seeing him brings up all kinds of ugly old feelings". Subfielder, I agree with Yoyo - if he can still push your buttons just by being in the room, you need to do some navel-gazing. Therapists can frequently provide the tools with which to do so.
Otherwise, staring at him with a faintly puzzled expression on your face the next time you run into him, as if you find him vaguely familiar, but clearly not important enough to remember, will do his ego no good and you no harm. Nothing upsets an ex more than feeling he wasn't memorable. Then graciously do no more for him than you would for a complete stranger, which gives you not only the moral high ground, but also all of the power. That should help with the buttons-being-pushed incidents, as well.
[his career] which sounds like largely a failure already anyway
This seems kind of mean. The facts of the matter ("he spent a decade and a half adjuncting and not publishing his dissertation.") do not indicate "failure," only a lack of the brass ring.
I think you should try and separate "the person who injured you almost two decades ago" from "this fifty-year-old who is in your field." He's not the same person (for better or for worse) as the one who injured you.
I think you should help him out; be a professional, but avoid situations where you would have to personally interact. Revenge is poisonous. Good deeds are graceful.
36: Yes, but Hume wrote the greatest philosophical work ever written in English at 26. Face it, Rob, you're over the hill.
I love the saying "Revenge is a dish best served cold."
Hey DEditrix -- I saw over at Flicker, you were asking Oh_do_shutup for context -- word comes from NCProsecutor that the images are stills from a Russian film.
10: I've found that the best revenge is living. The ex that I refer to as "the boyfriend who hated me" dropped dead a few years after we parted. Some other female may have poisoned him, for all I know - all I did was outlive him. It gives me immense satisfaction. It also makes me feel safer, as he became a stalker after I left him. He even tried to pay my Offspring to tell him where we lived [said Offspring was visiting friends in the old neighbourhood]. Because he's been brought up correctly, the Kid took the $20 and answered all questions with deep sincerity:
'Where do you live now?'
'In a place.'
'Where is the place?'
'In a building.'
Is your mother dating anyone?'
'I don't think so. Nobody comes to take her out.' [Technically true; I was living with the Biophysicist by that time.]
[ encouraged his neighbourhood friend to accept bribes, as did her mother. Might as well take fiscal revenge, as well...]
44: That's someone else - I have never and will never call myself "Dominatrix Lilith".
"Her Most Serene and Effulgent Highness, Mistress Mayhem", perhaps.
Ack! Sorry! My eye took in the "Domin" and the "trix" and elided over the "Lilith".
DE has a perfectly reasonable attitude.
Of course, unlike some people posting here she hasn't had to drag an enormous, useless penis around all her life.
41: A little too mature and well-adjusted there. Try to OCD it up.
made her love both him and theory at the same time.
Love and Theory at the Same Time. Surely, the greatest García Márquez novel never written.
Hello, OP here... I appreciate all the advice. Comments 1-3 are wise, the problem lies in "treating him like anyone else in the subfield." It's a very clubby subfield -- people don't treat each other as colleagues but like friends -- lots of drinking and carousing, gossip, visiting of one another's campuses, etc.. So perhaps the source of my frustration is not so much with this one guy reappearing on the scene (distasteful as I find it), as it is with the scene itself. How do you tone *down* the sociability of a professional group? I'd be less hung about this if I didn't feel like putting him on a panel was also going to mean seeing him at breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
What part of "TINY subfield" do you people not understand? She can't and shouldn't act like he's a stranger. With a dozen people in her subfield (in the US), she's simply stuck with him.
People who think it's just about how to act when they run into each other at conferences underestimate the ways that academics interact and influence each others careers. She could be editing a journal he submits to; she could be asked to referee one of his papers; she could be organizing a conference; she could be asked to review a grant application, or write a letter for his tenure case (if he ever gets that far).
So my advice to her: grow up. I have dated within my own TINY academic subfield and the bitch broke my heart. Fucked me up. So what? We went into the relationship with the understanding that it would not affect our professional interaction. Period. It a matter of integrity. Yes, sometimes it really is that simple.
(Of course, the bitch took me back, so who am I to say.)
Given what 52 and 53 say about the nature of the subfield, I retract my previous advice.
Really, you have no choice but to kick him in the balls.
"I've an application for a lucrative grant riding on the publishing of this important article. Pleeeeeeeeeeeze?"
"Sure... I'll Reauchambeau you for it."
Aren't there European movies about exquisite, completely legal forms of highly civilized revenge? Les Liaisons Dangereuses or something?
God, you people have all gone soft and flabby. You should sleep with the guy, ridicule his performance mercilessly, then ask if he needs as much career help as he needs in bed.
57: While a clever approach, the OP's husband and three kids might not go for it.
56 - Like putting saran wrap over the toilets?
This is nosy, but what kind of upsetting is it to be around the EvilEx? Is it "I just hate him, and it upsets me to be reminded that he walks the earth"; or "He could always fuck with me emotionally, my defenses don't work well against him, and I'm afraid he'll push me around or mistreat me" or "I'm still kind of hung up on him, and I'm afraid that if I try to be friendly I'll start fawning for approval" or "He makes me so angry that I may behave badly towards him in a manner that will look unprovoked"?
I'm not saying I have answers, but the problem is entirely different depending on what your reaction to this guy is.
Wait a minute, didn't I see this on an episode of the Office?
I hate to unmask you Jan, but what did you ever see in Michael?
Is this really going to come up all that often? He's been in your field far longer than you, but he shows up at a conference and it's the first time you've seen him in 13 years. Maybe I'm misunderstanding how long you've been in the field or what sort of presence you have—but if you regularly attend these conferences and don't see him, you're fine. You're not actuallylikely to run into your ex more than than anyone else is.
Sixteen years is a long time to harbor these ill feelings. And your paragraph about colleagues asking you to help him strikes me as off, maybe even misleading. Why would they want you to help him? Why would they want you to give him more than he deserves? I wonder whether you are not indulging in the drama that his reappearance affords? I also wonder whether you're accurately portraying your colleagues' feelings—it doesn't make sense that they should want you to help some person just because you're in a position to do so.
"Aren't there . . . movies about exquisite, completely legal forms of highly civilized revenge?"
How I Met Your Mother
You Got Served
Dude, Where's My Car?
You people are pathetic. We should be pushing the writer towards some sort cinematic, Tarrantino-esque, confrontation with EvilEx. If there is never a made-for-TV movie about the resolution of this situation, we will have all failed.
Also the confrontation has to happen immediately, and be reported live on this thread.
At the next conference, sneak into his room. Have one person hold two flashlights at waist-level, pointed towards him.
The other person should whack him over the head with a pillow, and then everyone yells "TRUCK! TRUCK! GET OUT OF THE WAY OF THE TRUCK!"
A solution which is confrontational yet not-soft. Thank you.
67: Too elaborate. Kick him in the balls.
That makes no sense as revenge.
Now, if it were accompanied by a high volume recording of an 18-wheeler's horn, that would make sense as revenge.
"Kick him in the balls"? What is this, a frat house?
Heebie G obviously follows the sophisticated European films closely.
Is there an academic equivalent of Don'tDateHimGirl.com?
70: Didn't we agree that it was long ago.
Gaslight him. Invite him--in person or by phone--to help prepare conferences that don't exist. Then, at the last minute, tell him the conferences have been canceled. When other people mention that he's mentioned a potential conference that they've never heard of, widen your eyes, rotate a finger next to your head, and say, "Cukoo." Prepare, and widely circulate for comments, letters inviting him to real conferences, but don't send the letters. Be surprised when he doesn't turn up. Wonder openly whether his increasingly erratic behavior is explained by alcoholism. Rinse and repeat.
Also, remember to pray that there is no afterlife, and no justice on this earth.
Assuming that the guy really is going to be around, and the subfield really is that small, it seems to me that the only choice is to sit down with him and hash things out. That doesn't mean that you have to become friends again, just that you should agree on some rules and boundaries. Or at least have a fresh reason to freeze him out.
Speaking of academics and real-time drama and revenge - anyone know how That Guy is doing? Or am I gonna have to drive down to Ye Olde Alma Mater and wander through the halls looking for body parts?
I think it's important to remember here that the guy probably has little to no recollection of having hurt her.
And so you should leave an explanatory note pinned to the cow's heart on his doorstep.
79: We don't actually know that -- Feltpen was ambiguous between whether he hurt her by forgetting her birthday, or by killng her dog and threatening her family. (Well, probably not the latter. But you see what I mean -- the breakup could be the sort of thing that he remembers as no hard feelings, but it could also have been explicitly and memorably hostile.)
76: But what's to hash out? Her life has gone pretty well after this guy was a jerk to her. His life has not gone as well professionally but chances are she's just a distant memory now, too. He probably isn't even the same person.
The chummy subfield makes it a little bit complicated, but I'd just say: treat him like you would anyone else at the social hour, but make sure you have an outlet to vent -- therapist, friend, whatever. I mean, seriously, on the assumption this was a garden-variety nasty breakup, to be treating him badly or begging off having to see him based on a 16-year old relationship that started and ended in college is only going to make the Questioner look weirdly fragile.
79: I believe that the sophisticated European movies have a protocol for this:
"So, Doctor X! Probably you don't remember me. Hahaha! Does this refresh you memory?"
It certainly doesn't sound like the latter to me, LB. And even if it was, people have an amazing ability to forget the bad things they've done. I'm sure all of us know someone (or are someone) who's been in a psychotically abusive relationship with someone who almost immediately goes on to remember nothing about it. My psychotic ex certainly didn't seem to understand why I didn't want to talk to him anymore--because I stuck around for that treatment so long, you see.
I don't want to -- the guy's poisionous, seeing him brings up all kinds of ugly old feelings, and why should I do him any favors?
I'd say there's a 75% chance that when you talk to this guy as he is now, at age 50, you'll start to distinguish this old snow-top from the rogue Cassanova who broke your heart, and the problem will evaporate.
And so you should leave an explanatory note pinned to the cow's heart on his doorstep.
Now we're moving towards the Tarrantinoesque.
What is wrong with you people? Murder him and make it look like an accident. I have had to do this like four or five times and you don't hear me whining about it.
Alternative answer: "Here's ten cents, kid, get a better subfield".
85: And she's--if I remember correctly--a math professor, so you can take that percentage to the bank.
84: Or, more recently, the prof who repeatedly humiliated and attempted to sexually assault me while I was working in his home, and plotted (rather badly) to ruin my career when I didn't respond to his increasingly hostile phone calls--when he sees me at conferences and things, he seems to think I should be delighted to see him.
Really? These are mathematicians? Now I'm super curious!
I think Tim meant you're a mathematician, heebie.
SomeCallHimTim, but ICallHimAmbiguousPronounsUser.
This gives us a chance to see things from the point of view of the antagonist of "Oldboy", and to see how he could have made better choices in his quest for disproportionately grandiose revenge against the person who unwittingly damaged his life and psyche.
Heebie's a mathematician? With a great ass? Now I'm super curious.
She's in a mathematician/ass-magician disciplinary superposition.
95: It does seems like that's more than enough information to kill her pseudonym. How many can there be, after all?
95- I bet heebie understands the formula.
There's a perfect bad (highbrow!) romance novel in there. Successful academic heroine redeems aging former paramour through the power of wuv. Throw in a coupla threesomes, summertime, and film the thing in French and you've got art flick!
Back in the real world, while it is entirely possible ex- has forgotten being the Bad Guy, I very much doubt he's forgotten the relationship. Throw in the husband and three kids and this all turns out really badly no matter what happens. I'm totally with B, way back up there at the top. Frosty but polite should do the trick. That should also cure the overly-social problem.
Rescuing this guy from his lacuna lead to the disaster mentioned above. He's going to resent you, because you're always 19 to him. You're going to resent him, because he fucked you over. Avoiding this would be an excellent plan.
I harbored a LOT of hurt for a long time.[...]
I'm clearly better off without the commitment-phobic bastard.[...]
It was freaky in a bad way. I managed to make it through the whole conference without speaking to him, but this involved actually blanking him a couple of times, and that made me feel petty and middle-schoolish.
On the other hand, I'm so past him that I'm not even interested in revenge
Ahem: bullshit. You might be a lot of things (like not interested) but 'past him' is not one of them. Blanking somebody like that is your subconscious piping up and informing you that it isn't happy, and it's going to fuck with your rational mind, up to and including maybe torpedoing your career if need be, if it doesn't get satisfaction.
m, how to get satisfaction is a different issue
95, 96: The interview process and politics for the top ass grad schools are brutal, which is why the sideline in algebra comes in handy.
I'm actually just a giant ass in a jar. I look like a peach.
A giant ass in a jar controls a trolley. Stipulate that the ass knows trolleys.
Stake him out naked on an anthill in the hot sun?
the top ass grad schools are brutal
Bottom ass grad schools are more relaxed, and have much higher admission rates.
Maybe it's time to pack it in.
"he doesn't remember hurting her" and "he's not the same person now" strike me as improbable. He wasn't 21, he was 33. People who are assholes at 33 are assholes at 50, with few to no exceptions.
Atheism compels me to point out there is no afterlife, so if there's going to be justice, it's going to be in this life or never. At the very least, do not help this motherfucker.
60: How ridiculous would it be to say, all four?
62: In terms of how bad a split it was, I would say pretty bad, in a way that would be memorable for him, too. And though you'd think "of course she'd say that," I really do have reason to believe it. The reason he's suddenly popped up again is that he's recently (and finally) landed this job, so has funding and incentive to show up at conferences. The friends are saying "help him out" because of the come-back angle for him. None of this justifies my over-reaction (which I recognize, but still can't seem to help). Also, though I may be reveling in the drama, I'm also very afraid of being overly dramatic about it in real life.
The advice (revenge scenarios included) has been very helpful. I totally accept that I am not really over this situation, despite wishing and wanting to be. I think BPhD's advice -- frosty -- is good, if I can pull it off without overdoing it.
Oooh, a frosty DOES sound good!
Glad you could weed through the silliness and find some helpful bits of advice.
Sorry, what does "blanking him" mean in this context?
The right thing to do is B's 7: cool professionalism. Be the better person. And vent all the little evil impulses to the Mineshaft afterward.
The Heebie Geebie Transform described in 85 won't happen overnight, but the odds are that he really isn't, any longer, the same guy who hurt you, and as that becomes clearer it will be easier to maintain detached professionalism.
The Heebie Geebie Transform is a brand-new dance and everybody's doing it.
I'm not. I don't have the ass for it.
These folks have a particularly heebie package for geebie transforms.
I have a rocky history with Fourier transforms.
A Fourier transform bit you when you were a wee geebie?
I have a rocky history with Fourier transforms.
Really, you have no choice but to kick them in the balls.
Whilst everyone's in a helpful mood .... if I show my friends some photos and one of them is of another friend they don't know running in the London Marathon yesterday, and they all say "he's a hottie", am I justified in smirking and saying, "I had him", or would that be showing off (and/or ungentlemanly)?
Make the sound of bed springs creaking and waggle your eyebrows.
117: Depends entirely if the hottie is likely to say the same thing about you -- i.e., is this circle of friends open about who's had who, and is hottie unembarrassed about you having had him?
Heebie, do you make that noise and expression for your class?
I imagine Heebie as a female Peter Graves:
"[Student], ever seen a grown woman naked?"
117: Far better would be to say "I know", with a look on your face that indicates fond memories. "I had him" is so high school.
Ah, classy! These are internet friends though, so tricky to pull off the fond-memory-look. I wonder if there's an emoticon for that somewhere ....
124: Then "Oh, yes...." should suffice.
Damn, heebie is on fire in this thread.
am I justified in smirking and saying, "I had him", or would that be showing off (and/or ungentlemanly)?
If you don't entitle the photo "I Had Him," you're insane. Maybe just "IHH," if you want to be discreet.
16: Living well is the best revenge only if you can't get into "To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women"
See, but that is living well.
not an academic manquée
What, am I banned now?
Even in non-TINY fields, such people happen. Generally, the great benefit of academia is, if someone is NOT NICE and also NOT PUBLISHING you've no obligation to deal with them, and nobody will say otherwise.
People who are NOT NICE and PUBLISHING are of course a problem, but the great benefit there is, they're usually a much bigger problem than any one person has to reckon with.
People who are NICE and either PUBLISHING or NOT PUBLISHING are not a problem, really, unless they're NICE, NOT PUBLISHING, and IN YOUR DEPARTMENT.
I don't know why there's so many capital letters here, except that maybe I had a couple drinks.
I had a couple drinks
To celebrate the anniversary?
I don't know why there's so many capital letters here,
A professor of mine last year, in a course on metaphor, said that the distinctive contribution (or maybe one of the d.c.s) of George Lakoff and his followers was the reïntroduction of small caps into, well, I don't know, regular appearances in articles, I guess.
To celebrate the anniversary?
No, I had other interests.
That past tense sounds a little ominous.
There's a Twain story that's hilarious in print with the small caps, but only funny in the html version I saw that didn't reproduce the type exactly.
131: Probably the rather than a distinctive contribution; their work is pretty thoroughly ignored these days.
Wow. First, I'm with Rob on the whole failure business. And the larger point is that this guy really is a failure, but its because he was a schmuck X number of years ago.
One of my publications is with an ex, who I was with in grad school. We actually wrote it after we broke up. My other ex from grad school burned me so badly that when I see her now many years later at big conferences I just turn around and walk the other way.
B PHd, not surprisingly, is right. You are under no obligation to hurt yourself in order to help this guy. Anyone who thinks that you are is mistaken. You have a professional obligation to be fair to him, and that is different from helping him. Even if he's "changed" or "grown" or "mutated" there are still consequences to our immature actions and he can be all mature and grown up and still not have you help him out.
Without relationships none of this would have happened, you know.
108: The feltpen is mightier than the sword... ?