Re: Jessica Biel: Rejected!

1

Don't cry for me, I think I understand who I'm supposed to crush on next.

I'm sure this comes as a surprise to exactly no one.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 06-15-07 5:38 PM
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I couldn't take Jessica Biel seriously anymore when I saw that she's the love interest in I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, the new Adam Sandler vehicle featuring (I believe) the guy from King of Queens. The plot of the movie itself seems to invert your situation -- whereas Biel serves as a kind of "vanishing mediator" of your transition to homosexuality, in the film she is an obstacle for two straight men trying to fake a gay marriage. In any case, Levi-Strauss is amply vindicated -- women serve primarily to mediate homosocial (or, indeed, homoerotic) relations.


Posted by: Adam Kotsko | Link to this comment | 06-15-07 5:43 PM
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3

What male stars are hitting on Justin Timberlake? AMERICA NEEDS TO KNOW!


Posted by: marcus | Link to this comment | 06-15-07 5:46 PM
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I believe his name is "Timbaland". Very dom-sub thing going on between the two of them in "Sexy Back", no? "TAKE IT TO THE CHORUS! TAKE IT TO THE BRIDGE!"


Posted by: Wrongshore | Link to this comment | 06-15-07 5:56 PM
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much like having a black M5 with tinted windows and sweet rims, is the ultimate sign that you've conquered the adopted homeland.

It's like having a bumper sticker that says: 'I TOO HAVE BAD TASTE!'

(The constant texting would also be a problem.)

Come January, I figure, will be when the Modern Love column about dumping your girl/boyfriend because s/he texts you too much; a coupla months later in the WaPo will the tale of how the new teenie girls have so totally blown off texting: 'A real man would call me voice!'

while he toured with his FutureSex/ LoveShow

I'm totally thinking warmed over rehash of Logan's Run mashed up with Westworld.

Don't cry for me, I think I understand who I'm supposed to crush on next.

Really, I just can't see you and Justin together. I mean, you're bear enough, but you really need to be the big fat guy in the relationship so Justin can be the preening semi-twink. On the other, you could be the jealous Persian bitch on the cover of Us.

And he also reckons he's irresistible to men saying that "plenty" of male stars hit on him, too.

How's that personality disorder workin' out for ya there, dude? Would you like a side of paranoia to go with your narcissism? God knows, I've been hit on by tons of guys: because like, they're gay and they're guys! They'd probably hit on Dick Cheney!

m, he wants to spend some quality time alone with his mirror


Posted by: max | Link to this comment | 06-15-07 6:08 PM
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m, he wants to spend some quality time alone with his mirror

I heard that he sometimes stands in front of the mirror and says "Justin Timberlake. Justin Timberlake. Justin Timberlake.".


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 06-15-07 6:16 PM
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Our relationship ended, in bits and bytes, the way it began:
i think ur hott. have 2 go now ttyl.


Posted by: Cala | Link to this comment | 06-15-07 6:25 PM
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So, ogged, how do you like the music of this Justin Timberlake?


Posted by: Jesus McQueen | Link to this comment | 06-15-07 6:26 PM
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I've got to suspect that a lot of these Justin Timberlake + [random starlet] stories are either planted or mutually beneficial PR.


Posted by: Jackmormon | Link to this comment | 06-15-07 6:39 PM
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Oh, I get it, WWTDD is your rarely-mentioned "other blog." You have such complicated ways of coming out of your various closets, ogged.


Posted by: Robust McManlyPants | Link to this comment | 06-15-07 6:46 PM
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I really like the first two tracks of FutureSex/LoveSounds, and I'm not really sure why.


Posted by: Cala | Link to this comment | 06-15-07 6:48 PM
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"It's my secret weapon if a girl resists me"

Love that sweet rapist vibe.


Posted by: gswift | Link to this comment | 06-15-07 6:50 PM
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Jessica Biel was born in the same area of Minnesota as Jessica Lange, Judy Garland, Jane Russell, and Bob Dylan. Near Fargo.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 06-15-07 6:50 PM
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And no amount of hate can change the fact that an M5 is an awesome car.


Posted by: gswift | Link to this comment | 06-15-07 6:51 PM
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Wasn't Dylan born in Hibbing? That's nowhere near Fargo.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 06-15-07 6:51 PM
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Re-reading that resistance and "on a snowboard" part, he's got to be joking. Dude's 26 years old, seems over the top.


Posted by: gswift | Link to this comment | 06-15-07 6:58 PM
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Honestly, I'd be surprised if any of the quotes were uttered by Timberlake.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 06-15-07 7:04 PM
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Really?

From the UK Mirror article: "She truly insisted that she came with me on tour"

I'm not snickering.

wtf is that website anyway? Quote:

"the Golden Globes Awards"

Yep, so that's about it for clicking on celebrity-related links. la la la, I can't hear you!


Posted by: parsimon | Link to this comment | 06-15-07 7:16 PM
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You're such a fucking pedant, Teo.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 06-15-07 7:19 PM
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Tsk tsk, John -- out-midwested by a boy from New Mexico... how are you going to show your face around Kenosha...


Posted by: Clownaesthesiologist | Link to this comment | 06-15-07 7:34 PM
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21

Without using a map, name one place closer to Hibbing than Fargo is.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 06-15-07 7:45 PM
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22

East Fargo.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 06-15-07 8:00 PM
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23

Inspired, Ben, but you guessed wrong.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 06-15-07 8:04 PM
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I fell for Justin Timberlake on SNL.

Dick in a box. Dancing in a chicken outfit. I give the kid credit.


Posted by: will | Link to this comment | 06-15-07 8:08 PM
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He also laughed off rumours linking him to Scarlett Johansson. Asked by French mag Public about the last lie he told, he said: "When I made the whole world believe that Scarlett was my girlfriend." What a joker!

Oh, my! Ha ha ha. Asked about her "relationship" with Timberlake, Johansson said "I can say for sure I never had a passionate encounter with him. He's a really sexy, brooding guy but he's very gossipy. He likes shoes and it was like having a girlfriend on the set."

"I'm saving myself for w-lfs-n," she did not add.


Posted by: Populuxe | Link to this comment | 06-15-07 8:13 PM
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"East Fargo" is called Moorhead. There is a West Fargo.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 06-15-07 8:14 PM
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"I'm saving myself for w-lfs-n," she did not add.

Note, there are multiple reasons she might have had for not having said that.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 06-15-07 8:21 PM
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Scarlett revealed: "I get tested for HIV twice a year. But contrary to popular belief, I'm not promiscuous.

"It's part of being a decent human, to be tested for STDs. It's disgusting when people don't. It's so irresponsible."

She sounds so proper and Danish when she says it that way. Woody Allen and I are going to have to have it out for the privilege of being her perv.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 06-15-07 8:23 PM
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27 -- you trying to imply she's keeping it under her hat?


Posted by: Clownaesthesiologist | Link to this comment | 06-15-07 8:27 PM
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I was impressed when Johansson got all moralising about STD testing. It might be the last socially acceptable grounds for hectoring another person.


Posted by: Jackmormon | Link to this comment | 06-15-07 8:28 PM
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31

"I can say for sure I never had a passionate encounter with him" is a kind of strange phrasing. Like legalistic maybe? A way of avoiding mention of the routine, passionless sex they had every night last summer? Or is it that she's not sure whether she ever gave him a blow job, but she can affirm that there was no passion in it?


Posted by: Clownaesthesiologist | Link to this comment | 06-15-07 8:34 PM
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32

#29. Does Johannson wear hats?


Posted by: Populuxe | Link to this comment | 06-15-07 8:39 PM
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Doesn't everybody?


Posted by: Clownaesthesiologist | Link to this comment | 06-15-07 8:40 PM
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the last socially acceptable grounds for hectoring another person

Cigarette smoking?


Posted by: slolernr | Link to this comment | 06-15-07 8:42 PM
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35

Not cutting one's male offspring's hair?


Posted by: Clownaesthesiologist | Link to this comment | 06-15-07 8:45 PM
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36

Not cutting one's male offspring's foreskin?


Posted by: gswift | Link to this comment | 06-15-07 8:48 PM
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37

I can just see her 20 years from now not letting her teenage son out of the house until he shows that he has a condom. "Listen to me, young man. While you live in my house you're not going to be having unprotected sex. Did you hear me?"


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 06-15-07 8:49 PM
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38

until he shows that he has a condom.

s/b "party hat."


Posted by: Populuxe | Link to this comment | 06-15-07 8:52 PM
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39

I see this developing into a role playing game, with just me and Scarlett.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 06-15-07 8:55 PM
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40

21: "New York Mills"?

That's the only town I know in Minnesota near Fargo. Is it closer than Hibbing? I demand a donut if I win.


Posted by: Wrongshore | Link to this comment | 06-15-07 9:23 PM
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41

Technically speaking, yes.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 06-15-07 9:28 PM
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42

I can say for sure I never had a passionate encounter with him

Means "I never got so wasted that I couldn't remember for sure ... not around him, anyway."


Posted by: Anderson | Link to this comment | 06-15-07 9:29 PM
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43

Really, though, we've moved on. Now we're talking about Scarlett Johansson showing me how to put a condom on.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 06-15-07 9:29 PM
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44

It turns out that Jessica Biel's breasts were only 17 when first photographed, making them illegal in some jurisdictions. The nude pictures were taken in the attempt to destroy her goody-goody image.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 06-15-07 9:33 PM
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45

But you're in health class, and she's using a banana to demonstrate. Sorry, John, fantasia interrupta.


Posted by: Jesus McQueen | Link to this comment | 06-15-07 9:34 PM
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46

45 to 43, obvs.


Posted by: Jesus McQueen | Link to this comment | 06-15-07 9:35 PM
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47

Suddenly, I'm imagining a cartoon Johansson in a 1940s-style "hygenic" film.


Posted by: Populuxe | Link to this comment | 06-15-07 9:35 PM
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48

This is an advanced, Danish health class that tells it like it is.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 06-15-07 9:35 PM
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49

"First, let me help you get erect. Studies have shown that this simple hand motion is the single most effective method of attaining the desired arousal."


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 06-15-07 9:37 PM
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50

Oh, right. So she's wearing one of those short-skirted nurse uniforms, and you ask her if she's familiar with the 'Seducer's Diary' from Either/Or. You may continue -- sorry to interrupt.


Posted by: Jesus McQueen | Link to this comment | 06-15-07 9:40 PM
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51

Jesus, you're not a bit sorry. Now I have to start all over again from the beginning.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 06-15-07 9:42 PM
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52

"Now I take the condom in my lily-white hand......"


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 06-15-07 9:43 PM
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"Remember! The Japs love gonorrhea. Never leave the barracks without your party hat."

(Sotto voce, Allagash beer is the shit. I endorse it wholeheartedly.)


Posted by: Populuxe | Link to this comment | 06-15-07 9:45 PM
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I went to the Hollywood Film Festival awards ceremony one year. There was this very young woman wearing an absurd dress--really a shiny green diaper that somehow covered her breasts. My wife and I clucked to each other, poor thing, suffering the dictates of awards-ceremony fashion. Of course, when she took the stage, it was Scarlett Johansson. We still felt bad for her.


Posted by: Wrongshore | Link to this comment | 06-15-07 9:46 PM
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I will always love Bjork for her swan outfit, among other things.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 06-15-07 9:49 PM
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Wrongshore is credible.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 06-15-07 9:54 PM
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God. That outfit is horrible. And the shoes--even worse.


Posted by: Populuxe | Link to this comment | 06-15-07 10:00 PM
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I hate that style of makeup. I have no idea why she does that.

I'm not going to say anything to her until I've really mastered this condom-putting-on business, though. I'm a slow learner and keep having to ask her to repeat part of the lesson.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 06-15-07 10:02 PM
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are you crazy? raccoon eye make up is so crazy hot, its insane.


Posted by: yoyo | Link to this comment | 06-15-07 10:14 PM
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It's insane all right. That whole outfit is insane. The poor girl looks like she's been punched in both eyes and wrapped in tinfoil.


Posted by: Populuxe | Link to this comment | 06-15-07 10:23 PM
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are you crazy? raccoon eye make up is so crazy hot, its insane.

The wanton, though she knows its dangers,
Must needs smear kohl about her eyes,
And wake the interests of strangers
With long-drawn, hoarse, erotic sighs.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 06-15-07 10:50 PM
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Justin Timberlake was attacked as a teenager because he is white


Posted by: Justin Timberlake | Link to this comment | 06-15-07 10:51 PM
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"Must needs smear kohl about her eyes"

No doubt a gory sight to see.


Posted by: rilkefan | Link to this comment | 06-15-07 11:21 PM
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That dress is pitable, and not b/c it looks like tinfoil, but b/c it makes her look like she's basically rectangular in shape. Which she kinda isn't.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 06-15-07 11:38 PM
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21: Duluth.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 06-15-07 11:39 PM
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It's been a long time since I've been in MN, but Duluth is way the hell over on Lake Superior.


Posted by: gswift | Link to this comment | 06-15-07 11:52 PM
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That being said, where the hell is Hibbing?(checks the internets)

Mapquest puts Hibbing closer.


Posted by: gswift | Link to this comment | 06-15-07 11:53 PM
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Closer to what? Looking at a map, Hibbing seems to be about 50 miles from Duluth and 150 or so from Fargo.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 06-15-07 11:57 PM
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Nevermind, I read Emerson as "closer to Fargo than Hibbing".


Posted by: gswift | Link to this comment | 06-16-07 12:00 AM
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I would have guessed Lake Itasca, only because I've camped there when I was a kid and it's one of the few places I remember from MN.


Posted by: gswift | Link to this comment | 06-16-07 12:02 AM
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I've never even been to MN.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 06-16-07 12:07 AM
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72

I've never even heard of MN.


Posted by: pdf23ds | Link to this comment | 06-16-07 1:31 AM
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It's way up near Canada somewhere, I hear.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 06-16-07 1:34 AM
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74

Looking at a map is cheating.

You Easterners don't understand that here in the Great Northwest 150 miles is close. I don't know what Teo's problem is.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 06-16-07 6:00 AM
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Also, you're still thinking in terms of quantitative distance. The new second-millenium paradigm is qualitative distance. Qualitatively, New York Mills isn't near anywhere.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 06-16-07 7:51 AM
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"OK, John, now that you're fully erect and have succeeded in putting the condom on, it's time for a little 'test drive'. If you could just help me get this nurse costume off, we can begin. It's OK if you want me to keep the cute nursie hat on, though, a lot of guys like that......

[time elapses]

You know, I've trained a lot of guys, but you're something special. How do you feel about marrying me and helping me spend my millions?"


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 06-16-07 8:39 AM
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76: But John slowly shakes his head. "I'm a committed man, Scarlett," he says with that adorable Minnesota twang that she'd always--always--remember. "A No Relationship Policy isn't something a man gives up lightly. I'd be letting my fans down, and...and it's just something I've promised myself. I'm not the one for you."

Scarlett feels a tear run down cheek. She's crying, although she hadn't realized it. "John, won't you reconsider? For me? For the money, if nothing else.?

John gets up. "I'm a committed man, Scarlett. You wouldn't like the man I'd become if I broke a vow like this one."

The door closes, leaving Scarlett alone with her thoughts, a changed woman. Maybe a movie about a nun? A sexy nun?


Posted by: Frowner | Link to this comment | 06-16-07 9:21 AM
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78

Those nun hats are even hotter than the nurse hats.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 06-16-07 9:27 AM
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You Easterners don't understand that here in the Great Northwest 150 miles is close. I don't know what Teo's problem is.

You Minnesotans don't understand that everything east of the hundredth parallel is the East, where 150 miles is far.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 06-16-07 2:30 PM
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80

Minnesota is NOT the Great Northwest. Sorry.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 06-16-07 2:34 PM
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81

Minnesota has been the Great Northwest for 150 years, Valley Girl. It doesn't make any difference what residents of the Pacific Suburb Zone think.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 06-16-07 3:03 PM
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And here I thought you'd been to Portland.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 06-16-07 3:13 PM
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Portland is in the less-great North Pacific Coast Suburban Zone. In between is the Godforsaken West.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 06-16-07 3:21 PM
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John lives a bygone era, when the Northwest was everything this side of the Ohio River.


Posted by: Jesus McQueen | Link to this comment | 06-16-07 3:23 PM
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85

Indifference to history is what got us into our dire straits.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 06-16-07 3:26 PM
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76: & 77: Thanks for making an otherwise seriously dreary week better. I really needed that laugh.


Posted by: Biohazard | Link to this comment | 06-16-07 7:03 PM
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