Re: One Nation

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Work, yeah sure. Remember, Ogged, these guys were men seeking women, not, you know...
Besides, when will you ever be in Tulsa?


Posted by: Tassled Loafered Leech | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 5:44 PM
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And the morals of the story are:

1. Now you know why we all hate men.
2. Now you know that worrying about whether girls will go out with you is a fucking waste of time.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 5:47 PM
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to vision? Ugh.

Before that I finished a 3 year run as a Las Vegas showgirl to wild praise and critical acclaim

Hm, I hope these all weren't from men seeking women.


Posted by: JL | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 5:49 PM
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This is why city people confuse me.


Posted by: ptm | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 5:50 PM
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I'm feeling more kindly toward Tulsa all the time.


Posted by: Witt | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 5:54 PM
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Ogged, the simpletons among us need our conclusions drawn for us. Why is this interesting? I understand you're trying to get at some contrast between the two groups, but I'm not sure what, exactly. I could hazard a few guesses, but none of them seem very meaningful to me, and I'm sure you've already done all the analysis anyway so go ahead and spill the beans.


Posted by: Brock Landers | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 5:58 PM
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4 and 5 seem to be under the illusion that somehow the men from Tulsa might be worth dating.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 6:00 PM
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"A writer once said to me, If you ever go to America, go either to the East Coast or the West Coast; the rest is a desert full of bigots. That's what I think I'd like: where if you help a girl trim the Christmas tree you're regarded as engaged; and her brothers start oiling their shotguns if you don't call on the minister. A version of pastoral."

--Philip Larkin


Posted by: JL | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 6:01 PM
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Rural people: Salt of the earth
City folk: Pretentious dickwads.


Posted by: rob helpy-chalk | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 6:01 PM
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9 --> 6

Really, that's how I read the personals. Stereotypes from British poets be damned.


Posted by: rob helpy-chalk | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 6:02 PM
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7: Nah, I just understand them.


Posted by: ptm | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 6:10 PM
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Rural people: Salt of the earth

Let's look at those Tulsa ads again, shall we?

I camp in beautiful places because nature is a reflection of God. Disc golf while high is kind of fun. I'm a lover not a fighter. . . . When we agree to disagree I respect people and there opinions as I also need respect. Others seem to get bent out of shape.

What I Am Looking For: Someone with positive attitude, . . . able to laugh at themselves and see the maya of it all, the eternal play unfolding before us.

I want a genuine person.

love . . . my xbox 360. . . . I used to be a personal trainer. What I Am Looking For: A fun, smart girl I guess.

Okay, at least that guy likes his dog. Still.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 6:10 PM
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Stereotypes from British poets be damned.

Aw, c'mon, it's a funny quote. You can just hear him saying it like Eeyore.


Posted by: JL | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 6:11 PM
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Certainly, there are grand sociological implications to be drawn from the fact that men in Tulsa, involved as they are in a much smaller, more homogeneous dating scene, would feel less pressure to describe themselves in a surprising or unique way than men living in New York City would. Surely this points to some quantifiable underlying moral character. Keillor.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 6:25 PM
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Man, some of those New York ads are from wankers.


Posted by: nattarGcM ttaM | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 6:26 PM
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To me, the selected Tulsans seem like decent, interesting people who don't find themselves in competition with an endless stream of people like themselves. I think if you moved them to New York, one in three would adapt and sound just as engagingly pretentious as the New Yorkers.

To refer to an older thread, they might call a few women "lady", but they'd learn not to.


Posted by: Wrongshore | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 6:27 PM
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Tweety-pwned. Fireworks safety tomorrow, everyone.


Posted by: Wrongshore | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 6:29 PM
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I string along with the majority: much better option in Tulsa, it appears. I wouldn't have thought it, but there it is.


Posted by: SomeCallMeTim | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 6:29 PM
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I was just talking about how they came across in the personals. I make no claims about the reality of Tulsa or NYC dating.

(Although I will add that I like the people who think that nature is a reflection of God much more than those who think that the forest is just a pile of potential lumber.)


Posted by: rob helpy-chalk | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 6:31 PM
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I have a great group of friends...who constantly tell me that I am the glue that holds them all together.

fun!


Posted by: mcmc | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 6:35 PM
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i think what we can conclude is that what people say really isn't that important to dating process.


Posted by: yoyo | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 6:41 PM
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The middle guy from Tulsa sounded perfectly nice. "Making the world a better place" does sound earnest, but it doesn't necessarily sound self-righteous whereas the New Yorker who wrote, "I have great empathy for the suffering around the world and here at home. I find it far more fulfilling to vision and act for a more just and peaceful world rather than simply reacting out of anger and frustration," sounds like a prick.

I can't tell anything particularly interesting about the guy from Tulsa. I think that I'd have to memt him first, but his ad doesn't make me say, "No, I don't ever want to meet him." It's more like, "Hey, dinner or a day out could be fun."


Posted by: Bostoniangirl | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 6:43 PM
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What does B have against Tulsa? Those ads seemed sweet.


Posted by: marcus | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 6:44 PM
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Tweety and Wrongshore have a point, of course. (Although at this point, a Tulsa ad in NY would be more distinctive than a typical NY ad.) When everyone is basically saying "I want a nice pretty girl to watch movies with, and I'm really nice," it becomes meaningless. So you get a lot of artifice that's meant to distinguish one ad from the next. That said, it's remarkable just how different the ads in the two places are, and, more to the point, is anyone convinced that the NY guys aren't wankers?


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 6:46 PM
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I'm not convinced they aren't all wankers.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 6:52 PM
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It's not so much that the Tulsa guys are particularly pleasant- or datable-sounding as that they are quite different both from how the NY guys present themselves and from the usual stereotypes of people from Tulsa. This isn't really that surprising, since they're posting on Nerve, the online dating site of choice for educated middle-class white people everywhere.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 6:55 PM
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Silly, silly, silly!

I forgot that these were allegedly men seeking women. Couldn't tell the difference, really.

It's not remarkable that the tone and delivery is different. Yeah, the New Yorkers are more verbal. Slightly more self-reflective, but only slightly.

I'm assuming the lesson is that writing personal ads is an art, and in the interest of avoiding mediocrity, people attempt to engage in art that's not artifice.


Posted by: parsimon | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 6:55 PM
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To be fair, you should post the wsm ads from both NY and Tulsa, so we can see whom these guys are trying to attract.


Posted by: Jake | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 6:57 PM
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I think 21 is right. The ads came with pictures, right ogged? That's mostly what anyone cares about anyway. If you have a nice picture all the text has the do is confirm "I'm a reasonably normal person, not a psycho, a jerk, or a basketcase." The Tulsa ads arguably do that better than the NYC ads. It's only presented in isolation that the Tulsa ads seem so boring.


Posted by: Brock Landers | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 6:57 PM
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Yeah, I want to see the women seeking men ads for comparison.


Posted by: Bostoniangirl | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 7:12 PM
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I'm disappointed that no one mentioned beaches.


Posted by: eb | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 7:21 PM
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They all sound like wankers. I read the post initially without noticing that they were ordered Tulsa/NY, and thought halfway through the first ad "jeez, what a tool."

29 is exactly wrong. You--especially if "you" are a man on an internet dating site, where the women get bombarded constantly by toolish guys sending out mass responses hoping to get a random hit--need to stand out and seem like someone who is not a serial killer, not a pretentious ass, and please god, not a fucking bore.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 7:22 PM
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need to stand out and seem like someone who is not a serial killer, not a pretentious ass, and please god, not a fucking bore

In defense of our subject, 1 out of 3 ain't bad.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 7:26 PM
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God I love personal ads. "I want a genuine person." No Real Dolls damnit!

"I have great empathy for the suffering around the world and here at home."

s/b

"I cry a lot. Chicks dig that, right?"


Posted by: gswift | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 7:27 PM
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The point is you're trying to give someone an actual reason to *want* to go out with you. Not a reason to think, "oh, I'm sure he'd be a nice guy . . . for someone else."


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 7:28 PM
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F_MbgheFKxI


Posted by: marcus | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 7:28 PM
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need to stand out and seem like someone who is not a serial killer, not a pretentious ass, and please god, not a fucking bore.

That's kind of a tall order.

Is there a way to sum up who you are and what you want in a couple hundred words that's 1) not super-generic, 2) not completely buried in artifice, and 3) doesn't rely on aesthetic-tastes-as-matchmaker?

These guys may not be prizes, but seems like personal ads are just an awful medium.


Posted by: Evan | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 7:32 PM
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B.,

What's the appropriate stance for an internet dating site: I am not stupid, I am not a serial killer, I am not pretentious (I am smart but, you know, with self-mockery), I am not boring (and that's the important part). Also I am not a loser.

Yes?

No sarcasm intended. When I'm bored I might try to write one of these things. It would teach me something, maybe.


Posted by: parsimon | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 7:33 PM
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33: er, our previous subject. Which thread is this, anyhow?

35: disc golf! Sharing! God! Heartless, b.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 7:33 PM
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The impression I've gotten from all the personals blogging is men (seeking women)'s profiles should assume that most women who read them with any specific interest are women they've sent a message, owing to the smaller numbers of men being contacted initially.


Posted by: eb | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 7:37 PM
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Disclosure: I know more about why I'd be interested in Tweety now, simply in virtue of his being a burner, than I probably would in a few hundred words he might generate on some internet profile. Unless he said that, of course.

In other words. People. These random ads are stupid as shit: cast your pearls among people who are already like-minded.


Posted by: parsimon | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 7:40 PM
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29 to 32. Geez, B. Maybe you can imagine how an ad that would appeal to you might only appeal to one woman out of ten thousand, while a more homogenized ad would be acceptable to a much wider array of women, who would generally make their decision on the basis of the photos anyway.


Posted by: Cryptic Ned | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 7:41 PM
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No, B's right. Women on these things get so deluged with messages that men really do need to stand out. Photos aren't enough.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 7:44 PM
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What's with the lack of mockery around here? If B becomes the go to person for humor around here, the end is nigh.


Posted by: gswift | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 7:46 PM
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38: I'm betting that self-deprecation is the key that unlocks the puzzle.

The guys know they need to make a good impression in a short space, so they take the most direct route: "here's why you should be impressed with me." Which of course comes off as completely obnoxious.

A smidgen of humor would show that you're at least a bit clever, and not overserious about yourself. I bet the women have the leg up on that, since they're conditioned for modesty from day 1.

Combine that with some markers that let the reader place you in a cultural archetype. Everyone (especially on dating sites apparently) is an individual soul, but giving the reader a familiar starting point isn't a bad thing.


Posted by: Evan | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 7:49 PM
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These random ads are stupid as shit: cast your pearls among people who are already like-minded.

That's right. You don't want to attract anybody, just the right people. I actually thing driving away mismatches is just as important a function of a personal ad as attracting people.


Posted by: marcus | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 7:50 PM
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44: The problem is that B has been mocking these guys as a synecdoche for mocking men in general. Once that starts happening nobody else wants to mock them, for fear of seeming to do the same thing.

I can see how a man would try to use his profile to avoid turning women *off*, rather than to try to turn them *on* - since he can imagine himself going out with a wide variety of different types of women, and doesn't want to limit himself to the unpredictable results of being more distinctive. But I guess there are so many men out there that a man has to be distinctive and accept that just as in real life the woman is the one who chooses between men rather than vice versa.


Posted by: Cryptic Ned | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 7:51 PM
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41: yeah, I'm not sure if I'd use that in a personal ad. Burning Man has all sorts of strange associations for people who haven't been. On the other hand, last time I dated a girl who wasn't a fan of the burn we ended up not having particularly much in common, so maybe it'd be wise.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 7:51 PM
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the problem is that fundamentally, people are generic. INteracting via text/computers removes all the person/sexual reality to the interaction, which is really the only important part of the relationship.


Posted by: yoyo | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 7:52 PM
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I'm betting that self-deprecation is the key that unlocks the puzzle.

It's almost impossible to do this in print while still conveying the all-important "I am not a loser" message. Unless you have all kinds of actual accomplishments, that is.


Posted by: Cryptic Ned | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 7:54 PM
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Unpretentious, self-deprecating bragging. That's the ticket.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 7:56 PM
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I saw a great line in some woman's personal about how burning man, like polyamory, is great in theory but somehow seems to be practiced almost exclusively by the creepy.


Posted by: Jake | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 7:57 PM
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fundamentally, people are generic. INteracting via text/computers removes all the person...al reality

I disagree, I think you can tell a tremendous amount about someone's personality from their writing style. True it won't clue you on that all-important sexual chemistry, but if you're after more than that then it is highly informative.

The times I've ignored a boring writing style to answer an ad from an attractive woman, I've eventually been bored silly in person as well (assuming we sleep together, this starts to happen after the initial sexual charge wears off a bit).


Posted by: marcus | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 7:57 PM
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The problem is that B has been mocking these guys as a synecdoche for mocking men in general.

Dude, watch guys hit on chicks in a bar, or surf around men's personal ads. We've got it coming.

Now I'm off to photograph my abs in the bathroom mirror. CAN U HANDLE THIS?


Posted by: gswift | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 7:59 PM
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48: I'm not sure I'd use it either if I were you. There's code, though: "burner" only means something to some people.

Ha. I was reminded by Ogged's recent reference to "Who wants to sex Mutombo!" to a burner shout-out for local meetups among people who haven't met: something like, You look like you like to set things on fire.

Anyway, yeah. I've never been to a burn, and not to BM because of the heat, but this has nothing to do with stereotypes. By the same token, I don't say I'm a member of the rainbow family. WTF, after all.

We are among you.


Posted by: parsimon | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:01 PM
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I can see how a man would try to use his profile to avoid turning women *off*, rather than to try to turn them *on* - since he can imagine himself going out with a wide variety of different types of women, and doesn't want to limit himself to the unpredictable results of being more distinctive. But I guess there are so many men out there that a man has to be distinctive and accept that just as in real life the woman is the one who chooses between men rather than vice versa.

Yes, exactly. Writing an ad that tries to avoid turning women off is a recipe for never getting responses to your messages.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:03 PM
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52: polyamory really is wasted on the polyamorists. Most burners are quite normal outside of that one week a year, which is why you probably don't know they're burners, although god knows it could go the way of the late-period jam band scene any day now.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:03 PM
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54: Is this going to be like the time we compared baldingness? Because I don't think I can handle that.


Posted by: Jake | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:04 PM
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This is too funny. I'm actually considering a move to Tulsa, of all places. One of the things I did, while beginning to weigh the move, is compare the match.com ads of 25-32 year old women from my zip code in DC to Tulsa. To sum up: the odds in Tulsa aren't good, and the goods are odd. That certainly did factor into the calculus w/r/t the desirability of the job I was considering.

But perhaps there is a selection bias. I grew up with, and otherwise know, plenty of women from flyover country, and on average find them more attractive and less annoying than the typical east coast big law firm associate or politico or whatever I normally run across in DC. There are plenty of hotties once you're, say, on the ground in Tulsa. But maybe, for whatever reason, they're not into the internet dating thing -- nothing wrong with that, all things considered.


Posted by: Dan | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:04 PM
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I think if you had mixed up the ads it would be very hard to tell which belonged to which city.


Posted by: Cala | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:05 PM
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But maybe, for whatever reason, they're not into the internet dating thing -- nothing wrong with that, all things considered.

Most likely, at least if it's anything like Albuquerque. There are places where internet dating just hasn't really caught on.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:06 PM
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the typical east coast big law firm associate or politico or whatever I normally run across in DC

Hm, you know, my almost complete lack of intersection with these demographics may be why I liked DC so much.


Posted by: redfoxtailshrub | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:07 PM
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59: Well, people in flyover country tend to marry earlier. They also tend not to have moved around as much in their lives, so they still have their old friends and social circle to meet people. That thins out the personal ad thing. Personal ads flourish in areas where lots of unmarried 25-35 year olds move in from other places.


Posted by: marcus | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:08 PM
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I think if you had mixed up the ads it would be very hard to tell which belonged to which city.

You, madam, are on crack. In fact, that was my original plan, but I decided that there was no challenge in that, and it would be more interesting to talk about the (massively obvious) differences.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:09 PM
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What about print personals? Anyone still use them?


Posted by: eb | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:09 PM
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63: And where everyone spends all day on the computer anyway. At a job that lets them surf the internet while at work. Which may not be the case in Tulsa.


Posted by: Jake | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:10 PM
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burning man, like polyamory, is great in theory but somehow seems to be practiced almost exclusively by the creepy.

Nope, no one like that here.


Posted by: rob helpy-chalk | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:10 PM
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I think if you had mixed up the ads it would be very hard to tell which belonged to which city.

?!? One group is pretentious and wordy, the other aren't.


Posted by: Cryptic Ned | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:10 PM
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63 certainly seems correct. Especially the early marriage thing. I went back for my 10 year high school reunion last summer, and of my (admittedly smallish, private school) class, I was, I believe, the only person attending who wasn't married or engaged.


Posted by: Dan | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:10 PM
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in 68 "is" s/b "are". Or "aren't" s/b "isn't". Or switch them to "am" and "amn't".


Posted by: Cryptic Ned | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:11 PM
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I betcha there are pretentious, wordy people in Tulsa. And I know there are boring and straightforward people in New York.


Posted by: redfoxtailshrub | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:12 PM
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67: have you seen Cannibal Holocaust? Suspiria? No? Oh, you're missing out. Here, check out my collection of swords.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:13 PM
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59: I wonder if there's a bit of 'you're doing what on that internet thing?' lingering on in Tulsa.


Posted by: Cala | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:13 PM
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20 -- Just last weekend I was with some friends and one complimented another one as being "The Glue". (This, in the context of chiding her for showing up late, cause how are we going to play music without The Glue?) Somebody else remarked that this must be a uniquely New Jersey compliment. But apparently it has currency in New York as well.


Posted by: Clownaesthesiologist | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:13 PM
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71: Well, of course there are. If Ogged was trying to fool us he would have found some of those. But they wouldn't be as representative as these.


Posted by: Cryptic Ned | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:14 PM
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I bet you could drop someone off at a random corner in either city and they wouldn't be able to tell which one they were in!


Posted by: eb | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:14 PM
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75: Sure, I'm not saying it's difficult to tell which group is which, just that if they were all mixed together I wouldn't feel confident that the wordy ones were all necessarily the New Yorkers and that the other ones weren't.


Posted by: redfoxtailshrub | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:15 PM
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"I'm a hopeless romantic. A nerd. A knight. And a jester all in one. I grew up with a wide range of cultures and views which has helped make me the person I am today. I'm mixed race.

I'm a dreamer. I write poetry. I'm a bear, lol, but the good kind. I am understanding to excess. I believe in second chances. I'm the guy people come to with their problems and relationship issues. I fix things. So I'm trustworthy.

I work with my hands,and make custom book covers in my spare time. I'll do anything in my power for a true friend. I dont lie. I'm a cuddler. I like movies of all sorts."

Tulsa, craigslist.


Posted by: Cala | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:16 PM
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"I am being transferred to Tulsa at the end of July. I'd like to meet someone special to show me around.

I am a SWM, tall dark and goodlooking.

I enjoy music(everything from Puccini to the Rolling Stones), travel, dining out accompanied by stimulating conversation.

Please be between the ages of 25 and 33.

A pic would be nice....."

Moving from NYC to Tulsa, craigslist.


Posted by: Cala | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:17 PM
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Awww, the Tulsa people are soooo sweet. Except maybe for the horror movie guy. Even he was sort of sweet too.


Posted by: marcus | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:18 PM
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Except for the guy moving from NY to Tulsa. He was utterly generic.


Posted by: marcus | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:19 PM
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I have to imagine the Tulsa guys are all overweight amateur luthiers who cry when Zeppelin comes on the radio and work a booth at the swap meet each week.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:19 PM
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I hear banjo music while I read the Tulsa ads.


Posted by: gswift | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:20 PM
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73: I wonder if there's a bit of 'you're doing what on that internet thing?' lingering on in Tulsa.

Yeah, probably. I still think I would have a pretty tough time trying to explain to my parents, family, etc., who are all back in the flatlands, that I met someone on the internet. And my folks are moderately hip.


Posted by: Dan | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:20 PM
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Craigslist is different, young Cala. Now look at the NY Craigslist ads.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:20 PM
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Meanwhile, in Oakland: Hot dork seeks hipster.


Posted by: eb | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:22 PM
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I'd put most of the difference down to needing to stand out in a larger crowd. But this salt-of-the-earth vs. pretentious cosmopolitan thing needs to go.


Posted by: Cala | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:23 PM
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You know what needs to go? The decadent left in its coastal enclaves!


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:24 PM
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Hot dork seeks hipster

An opportunity for our own w-lfs-n?


Posted by: Clownaesthesiologist | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:24 PM
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86: that is just so Bay Area. I could totally pick that one out blind as being NorCal.


Posted by: marcus | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:24 PM
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But this salt-of-the-earth vs. pretentious cosmopolitan thing needs to go.

It's not "salt of the earth" vs. "pretentious cosmopolitan". They're all pretentious cosmopolitans. But the ones in NYC are trying much much harder to sound distinctive and one-of-a-kind.


Posted by: Cryptic Ned | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:24 PM
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What really needs to go is whatever dire guitar rock our landlords are playing loudly right now.


Posted by: redfoxtailshrub | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:26 PM
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Ogged, any time you articulate your point, more power to you.


Posted by: parsimon | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:27 PM
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Wow, the average age of the M4W ads here is in the 40s.


Posted by: Cryptic Ned | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:27 PM
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You know what needs to go? The decadent left in its coastal enclaves!

Oh. Is that the point?


Posted by: parsimon | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:29 PM
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awwwwwww yeaaaaaaaaa


Posted by: MC Hpye It Up | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:29 PM
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But this salt-of-the-earth vs. pretentious cosmopolitan thing needs to go

No doubt. We live in an urbanized nation; rural salt-of-the-earthness is a pretension in its own right. Emerson excepted, of course. He's a genuine backwoods weirdo.

Anyhow Tulsa is a pretty big city. If you really want simple rural folk, you have to look to tiny, dusty burgs like Tampa or Newark.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:30 PM
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I guess there are so many men out there that a man has to be distinctive and accept that just as in real life the woman is the one who chooses between men rather than vice versa.

No; this is true online--and how--but much less so in real life, where women generally (like idiots, imho) wait for the guys to do the asking.

The trick to a good personals ad is usually cleverness and humor of some sort. It's the one dating medium that actually gives intelligent people an advantage, because the vast majority of ads are either dull versions of "um, I just want a girl? To date me?" (Tulsa) or "The common women around here just don't seem to appreciate and understand my special uniqueness and sensitivity" (NY). Both are lame.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:30 PM
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They could all go to Tulsa. They'll have to when the water levels rise anyway.


Posted by: Cala | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:30 PM
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It's the one dating medium that actually gives intelligent people an advantage

Absolutely. It's total jujitsu on the high school dating hierarchy.


Posted by: marcus | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:32 PM
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Did anyone else see Dirty Pretty Things? I had meant to see it when it first came out, and then got re-inspired by the Chiwetel Ejiofor thread.

Also: tough crowd. The point of a personals ad is to appeal to the people who appeal to you, yes? Not some random person from a different social class and geographic location.


Posted by: Witt | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:33 PM
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90: Meanwhile, I could pick this one out blind as being from Dayton.


Posted by: Cryptic Ned | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:33 PM
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You'll notice that "hot dork seeks hipster" is immediately more attractive than any of the men's ads.

I'm tempted to say it's because she's a woman just to tweak you all, but actually it's because she bothers to have a personality.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:33 PM
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From Oklahoma City: Getting Married - 18


Posted by: eb | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:34 PM
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No; this is true online--and how--but much less so in real life, where women generally (like idiots, imho) wait for the guys to do the asking.

The guys do the asking, but the women do the choosing.


Posted by: Cryptic Ned | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:34 PM
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Wouldn't a lot of folx in Tulsa or Albuquerque or Madison or Eugene be less inclined to do online ads since, given much smaller scenes, it would be very easy to pick them out as belonging to people you knew? Also, because you might be in for a lot more ribbing from your friends and acquaintances for having resorted to an online personal?

72: I know a guy who shares way too many of the characteristics of the fellow in the previous post. Luckily, he has found the love of a good woman, and their shared love of a certain annual, dioecious, flowering herb smooths out most of the rough spots. Still a little weird to hear him gush about CH though.


Posted by: minneapolitan | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:34 PM
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i was raised to respct women. I was not, however, raised to capitalize.


Posted by: gswift | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:34 PM
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i'm not into the fat chick thing cause i have a small penis

He's not really sure how the whole sex thing works, is he?


Posted by: Cala | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:35 PM
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rural salt-of-the-earthness is a pretension in its own right

Let's not let Republican co-opting of salt-of-the-earthness make us deny that it exists.

Parsimon, I don't have a point here; I just thought the differences were interesting and worth talking about.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:35 PM
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Though I hasten to ad that "hot dork" starts off well but then becomes kinda lame. Still, though.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:36 PM
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The guys do the asking, but the some women do the choosing.

Fixed that for you.


Posted by: redfoxtailshrub | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:36 PM
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Also from OKC:Tattoed and Pierced? You're my guy! - 26


Posted by: eb | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:37 PM
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Gotta love the guys who get right to the point.


Posted by: gswift | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:37 PM
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YoungestCalaSis, via text message: if u play chicken dance im committing suicide.


Posted by: Cala | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:37 PM
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Except not really, because plenty of men are plenty choosy. But whatever, you already know that. Blah blah veldt veldt.


Posted by: redfoxtailshrub | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:38 PM
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Salt-of-the-earthness exists. Assuming it only exists in places like Oklahoma is both patronizing and wrong.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:39 PM
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He said "rural salt-of-the-earthness."


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:39 PM
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110 -- I'd say it becomes pretty lame. There were a number of men who struck me as a better bet to have a pleasant dinner with than her.

In general, I think it's a lot easier to find an interesting/good ad among the M4W than W4M. Maybe that's just because there are more of them, but maybe it's because men have to try harder to get replies on line.


Posted by: marcus | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:39 PM
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"Hot dork seeks hipster"

What did I say? Self deprecation + appeal to cultural archetypes, and that it's easier for women to pull off.

A guy who's using an online dating site would probably eat glass rather than copping to being a dork, even a hot one.


Posted by: Evan | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:40 PM
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Parsimon, I don't have a point here; I just thought the differences were interesting and worth talking about.

Thank god. I worry sometimes.


Posted by: parsimon | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:41 PM
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I have to admit, there's a certain earnest naivete to these personals from America's heartland.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:41 PM
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A guy who's using an online dating site would probably eat glass rather than copping to being a dork, even a hot one.

So comprehensively wrong:

http://sfbay.craigslist.org/sfc/m4w/360924557.html


Posted by: marcus | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:42 PM
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I'm now wondering which craigslist counts as most remote; Newfoundland's list is almost empty.


Posted by: eb | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:42 PM
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119: For real? I know plenty of guys who use online dating sites and will proudly admit to being dorks. Well, at least one. It might help to live in a part of the country with large dork-friendly populations, but those definitely exist.


Posted by: Jake | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:43 PM
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Shooting himself in the foot with the no Whedonphiles but geek-tolerant. Pretty high overlap.


Posted by: Cala | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:44 PM
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121: Right, there's also the M4W ad category, "dream on, jackass."


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:44 PM
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I know plenty of guys who use online dating sites and will proudly admit to being dorks geeks.


Posted by: Witt | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:44 PM
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Bangalore is lonely for a lesbian.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:44 PM
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The sheer genius of the link in 96 must be again emphasized.

Also, the "This is not a sex call" in this post scales new heights of insincerity.


Posted by: Cryptic Ned | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:44 PM
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Some large truck towing a piece of construction equipment of the digging-stuff-up variety has been idling outside our home for the past twenty minutes. I wonder what it's waiting for.


Posted by: redfoxtailshrub | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:45 PM
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That was odd. Link: http://bangalore.craigslist.org/w4w/


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:46 PM
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I'm now wondering which craigslist counts as most remote; Newfoundland's list is almost empty.

You can't get much more desolate than this.


Posted by: Cryptic Ned | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:46 PM
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130 made me laugh. I heart RFTS.

And now . . . dinner!


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:46 PM
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The link in 129 sounds perfect for B, except the guy is a little young.


Posted by: marcus | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:47 PM
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52 was really awesome: "B and Tweety may snipe at each other, but deep down inside they are the same creepy person."

I propose that we submit our own personals ads presidentially and see who can guess whose.


Posted by: Wrongshore | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:50 PM
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I propose that we submit our own personals ads presidentially and see who can guess whose.

Now that's a great idea.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:51 PM
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Gotta go, but as a final note, I think you'll be surprised by the volume of peculiarity and anger in the Appleton/Oshkosh dating scene.


Posted by: Cryptic Ned | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:52 PM
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Oh sure, now he's gotta go.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:53 PM
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Will pay you to pretend to be my girlfriend....


Posted by: Cala | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:53 PM
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Well, Ned, does Cala's offer tempt you or not?


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:54 PM
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139: the funny thing is that you've got that, AND "Looking For A College Babe In Need Of Financial Assistance", which is basically the same thing a couple decades later in life.


Posted by: Cryptic Ned | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:55 PM
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I propose that we submit our own personals ads presidentially and see who can guess whose.

One would need to know the format.


Posted by: parsimon | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 8:58 PM
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141...AND there's "Great Financial Opportunity For A Friends With Benefits Relationship" and "Looking For A Fun, Intelligent & Attractive Woman To Spoil" (posted by the same guy), which are ALSO the same thing. Plus two cautionary posts warning people against that very guy.

Not to mention the plaintive sincerity of "alone in oshkosh" and "Just moved here from Boston.. Please Help!!!"...the hopelessness of "I love FEET!!!!" and "Pregnant Woman Wanted To Snuggle With"...the surprising sarcasm of "Bitchy girls who enjoy booze and insults" and "Ugly guy seeks ugly girl"...all in the Appleton/Oshkosh M4W.


Posted by: Cryptic Ned | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 9:00 PM
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You know, if you've actually done one.


Posted by: Wrongshore | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 9:00 PM
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One would need to know the format.

The standard Salon/Nerve Personals questions are in italics in this post.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 9:00 PM
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144 to 142.


Posted by: Wrongshore | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 9:02 PM
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135 seems like it would tempt googling and subsequent picture-matching and breaches of anonymity.


Posted by: John Tyler | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 9:03 PM
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I'm going to go ahead and guess that 147 is SCMT's personal ad.


Posted by: Cryptic Ned | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 9:04 PM
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Nope. But once it starts, I'll go third.


Posted by: John Tyler | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 9:05 PM
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Hmm. I just google a few strings from my old ad and my handle, and nothing came up. But I do remember that when I was active, my handle at least could be googled.


Posted by: Wrongshore | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 9:07 PM
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You think we're going to post our own pictures? Where's the fun in that?

("What are you doing, babe?" "Uh, making an online personal for my pretend internet friends?" "Two weeks before the wedding??" Hmm, I might want to rethink this.)


Posted by: Cala | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 9:07 PM
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Some sites are googleable, some not. And of course someone could just happen on your ad and recognize it from here. But people don't use their real names on dating sites anyway, so you'd get a picture match, but not a breach of anonymity (of locale, maybe).


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 9:08 PM
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And I think pictures would be too much. Even just the two categories that ogged put up (what I'm looking for/about me) would be fun for comparison.


Posted by: Wrongshore | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 9:09 PM
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I can't play, since I've already posted mine on the blog (which is the only place it's posted, so don't bother looking for a picture).


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 9:10 PM
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I thought there was a "for those who have one" qualifier. And the first sentence of my ad returns exactly one google result.


Posted by: John Tyler | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 9:10 PM
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DARN it. I save everything. Why don't I have the text of my ad?


Posted by: John Q. Adams | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 9:12 PM
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Those of us who are already married will have to write one for soliciting an affair. What could possibly go wrong?


Posted by: gswift | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 9:13 PM
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157: Just go back in time to the perspective of your 19-year-old self (didn't you get married really young?) and post from his perspective. That alone should be entertaining.


Posted by: Witt | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 9:17 PM
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I'll hold my About Me and What I'm Looking For back in case this gets off the ground, but while we're circling, I'll submit this under my own name:

The word or phrase that best describes my personality
Enthusiasm meets irony in a WWF smackdown. Neither will
ever lose.

Alt: "Monkey bunny".

The best or worst lie I've ever told
We were waiting for a business meeting to begin. The second-in-command on the opposite side of the table asked me, apropos of nothing, "How many languages do you speak?" "Nine," I said. He was impressed.


Posted by: Wrongshore | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 9:19 PM
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(The enthusiasm/irony thing I actually stole from the What I'm Looking For of the first woman I contacted and went out with. I saw it on her page and thought, "Oo, I have that." Also, in addition to English, I speak entirely too-halting Spanish.)


Posted by: Wrongshore | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 9:21 PM
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Either you've stunned the assembled into silence, or they're carefully crafting their own ads.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 9:28 PM
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157: Just go back in time to the perspective of your 19-year-old self (didn't you get married really young?) and post from his perspective.

Yeah, married just as I was turning 21. Christ, my 19 year old personal would probably be something along the lines of "Ever ask yourself, "How the fuck did I come to be living inProvo?" Ever have the urge to shoot up a Family Home Evening? Let's talk."


Posted by: gswift | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 9:30 PM
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I don't think I could do a personal ad.


Posted by: Cala | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 9:32 PM
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You know, there is really nothing I'd rather do less than put myself in the frame of mind I had when I was 19.


Posted by: rob helpy-chalk | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 9:33 PM
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Ogged:

I can't play, since I've already posted mine on the blog

Really?


Posted by: parsimon | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 9:34 PM
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Really.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 9:35 PM
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Not having anything on nerve:

You should message me if: Together we could rule the world.

I'm really good at: Fixing that which is broken, mixing gimlets, telling pirate jokes (or really bad, depending), giving it a shot.


Posted by: John Tyler | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 9:35 PM
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A personal ad would be almost entirely orthogonal to the way I use the internet.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 9:35 PM
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"Read all my blog posts, and decide if I'm someone you can put up with."


Posted by: Cala | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 9:37 PM
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Good lord, that certainly wouldn't work for me either.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 9:40 PM
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I'm being a tease, mine is here.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 9:43 PM
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You are sexy, I am sexier.


Posted by: Jesus McQueen | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 9:43 PM
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I spend a lot of time thinking about:
What I'll say to my grandchildren when they ask me "What did you do during the war?"

The most private thing I'm willing to admit here:
I'd like to find a guy who can be silly, mellow, and sensual.

You should message me if:
You feel like writing a two-line e-mail instead of chatting.


Posted by: Mary Todd Lincoln | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 9:44 PM
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Posts like this remind me why I never tried to find True Love. Who needs all this hassle?


Posted by: wb | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 9:50 PM
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It's not hassle, it's entertainment.


Posted by: John Tyler | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 9:53 PM
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Boy this is silly funny. From the questions in the link provided in 145:

Last great book I read: Derrick Jensen, A Language Older than Words

Most humbling moment: completely unanswerable, stupid question, next?

Favorite on-screen sex scene: Probably something from My Beautiful Laundrette.

Celebrity I resemble most: according to people in the past, Meryl Streep, particularly in Out of Africa. Recently a stranger told me I looked like Emma Thompson in Pride & Prejudice. I haven't seen that, so I don't know.

Best or worst lie I've ever told: I was forced to take an intro Spanish course freshman year of college; the course was at 8 a.m. I couldn't manage that, and missed many classes. On being called out, I explained that my father had cancer and I had to go home frequently. (He had had, but like 2 years ago.) I eventually was caught out in this lie.

If I could be anywhere at the moment: in British Columbia

---------
This is long now. How the fuck one writes something like this for a blog comment, huh?


Posted by: parsimon | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 9:53 PM
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Now see, young Parsimon, that lie would put me off someone, so you should think of a different lie to reveal.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 10:04 PM
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If I could remember the password to the site I had an ad on, I'd totally reproduce it for you all. Sadly, I can't, and I'm not about to spend all that goddamn time writing a new ad just for shits and giggles.

my 19 year old personal would probably be something along the lines of "Ever ask yourself, "How the fuck did I come to be living in Provo?" Ever have the urge to shoot up a Family Home Evening? Let's talk."

I'd respond to this ad, if I lived in Provo.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 10:09 PM
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Old ogged, a lie to reveal that doesn't put someone off? That would be a lie. I have told some tales in the past. I don't do it any more.

Right, this is supposed to be an online personal, though. In which case, I skip the lie test question.


Posted by: parsimon | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 10:10 PM
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My ad is terrible. I think I'll go change it. Kotsko liked it, but I'm not sure if that's a sign no one else would.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 10:11 PM
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My ad is terrible. I think I'll go change it. Kotsko liked it, but I'm not sure if that's a sign no one else would.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 10:11 PM
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Less equivocating, more posting profiles! Or I'll go annex Texas!


Posted by: John Tyler | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 10:13 PM
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Parsimon, my little doe, you're not trying very hard. I even have helpful instructions in the post with the questions. All these questions are answerable, you're just not sufficiently desperate.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 10:14 PM
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Continuing with the goofy questionnaire:

The five items I can't live without: stupid question, next. fresh vegetables, beauty, sexuality blah blah.

Is there going to be space to actually write something eventually?

Ah. Why you should get to know me and More about what I'm looking for.


Posted by: parsimon | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 10:17 PM
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From the local CL postings, I've learned of the tickling issue:

I'm interested to find out if I'm still ticklish. I remember I used to be really ticklish, but it's been so long since someone actually tickled my feet . . and my ribs . . and my butt that I really don't recall if those sensations still affect me. I know I like being softly, sensually massaged and even licked on occasion.

Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 10:18 PM
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This reveals personal info, not to mention being cheesy, but it doesn't seem to google. Here we go, then:

_____________________
About Me

So I just had to delete two paragraphs of rhapsodizing about my life in Northern California, since I'm moving back to Washington this summer. My own choice -- I couldn't resist a ringside seat for the Democratic resurgence -- but man, it still kind of hurts. Goodbye to the Sierra Nevada and the Sonoma Valley, at least for now. There's something a little off about DC, split between a surly, violent underclass and a stuffy, self-important overclass. But it's exciting, no doubt. And there are some great people here. Drop me a line if you're one of them.

[OK, now it starts getting cheesy]

Learned from my past relationships:

It's a bad thing when one partner loves more than the other. But if I absolutely had to choose, I'd rather be the one who loves more. That I can be an idiot at times. And so can you. That women and men aren't all that different under the surface, except women smell better and are much more likely to own stuffed animals. That I truly cannot salsa dance.

I am looking for:

Soulful, with a twist of wry. Kind, kind, kind. The more intelligent and thoughtful, the better (really, I can handle it). Plans to still be having good sex when she's seventy. Loves the outdoors and hiking. Will still go out to a show on a school night. Likes intellectual types who are bubbling over with odd theories, and perhaps is one herself. Or at least is entertained by such types. A calm, strong center to work from when things get rough.

Eh, it's so hard to describe the intangibles. One thing for certain, I'm highly vulnerable to a great ass.
_______________

I should probably take it down, what with other things going on I'm not gonna be answering replies for a bit.


Posted by: marcus | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 10:27 PM
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Lately every post is about online dating. I used to think this site was some kind of gathering-place for overeducated people who really aren't too serious about politics that has really funny comment threads. Now I'm starting to wonder if it's a place for overeducated people who spend too much time on the Internets to hone their online dating chops.


Posted by: wb | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 10:28 PM
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Obviously, it's not working, wb.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 10:30 PM
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187 strikes me as a pretty accurate description.

Ogged's ad is awesome, BTW. Surprised he hasn't been taken off the market already.


Posted by: marcus | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 10:30 PM
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marcus, that's great. Maybe the cheesy is, yes, cheesy, but keep it on file.


Posted by: parsimon | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 10:32 PM
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The early marriage thing is really freaky. When I lived in flyover country, I knew a bunch of people in their mid-20s and had not only been married, but were in the middle of divorcing their starter spouse. I didn't get why they didn't just have starter shackups like normal people do.


Posted by: Magpie | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 10:32 PM
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Ogged's ad is awesome, BTW. Surprised he hasn't been taken off the market already.

Hrm. Which ad is that.


Posted by: parsimon | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 10:34 PM
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Why You Should Get To Know Me: I can tell a funny story. I also repeat stories from time to time, but speak in a soft tone, and so you'll be able to tune out to the details, and experience my voice as a calm sea gently lapping at the shore.

What Am I Looking For: Someone who can almost make out the cries of the gulls overhead.


Posted by: Cactus Jack Garner | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 10:36 PM
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Eh, you all need to go outside. Take a walk. You look pale. Me, I'll stay here, at the computer. I'll bring you carrot juice when you get back.


Posted by: wb | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 10:37 PM
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Parsimon: thanks, compliments are always appreciated (outright flattery is even better). I actually don't mind being a bit sentimental with it, since I truly am tired of dating around, looking for long-term, etc. I already got a really funny reply to that ad from a "surly, self-important middle class girl", so that's a good sign.

See comment 171 for Ogged's ad, a small masterpiece of the genre.


Posted by: marcus | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 10:39 PM
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I enjoy fireside commenting, long walks on the internet, and deep, passionate threads.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 10:42 PM
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Surprised he hasn't been taken off the market already.

Thanks, marcus. I actually never made my ad public.

I like yours, it's quite clear what kind of person you're looking for, and it seems like a real type, rather than pretty/funny/smart, and that's an accomplishment.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 10:44 PM
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Shorter 197: "Are you a Swede? Do you swim? lol."


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 10:46 PM
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Reading back through the archives, I was struck by the description "6'5" Gayatollah". I think Ogged should have put that in his profile. But Ogged's ad is good. Even if we didn't know it was him, we probably wouldn't call him a wanker.


Posted by: John Tyler | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 10:50 PM
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Labs is the 6'5" Gayatollah.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 10:51 PM
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Even if we didn't know it was him, we probably wouldn't call him a wanker.

But if we did, then we would.


Posted by: marcus | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 10:51 PM
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Curse my lack of reading comprehension. Why didn't you make that ad public? I bet you'd get desireable (by you) women emailing you randomly. Especially with the "stop being so neurotic" bit.


Posted by: John Tyler | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 10:57 PM
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Labs is the 6'5" Gayatollah.

Thanks for this clarification. I had the impression ogged was 6'0". My ex was, and still is, 6'7", so Labs has nothing, except a refusal to be swayed, or cowed, or stoop-shouldered, about it.


Posted by: parsimon | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 10:59 PM
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Personally, I believe Labs to be taller than 6'5", but that's what he reports.

Why didn't you make that ad public?

Fraught! Also, I confess to being mortified at the prospect of people I know in real life coming across it.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 11:02 PM
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You know, after reading ogged's personal ad, I wonder if this whole blog isn't just a sort of "minister's black veil", which ogged holds between himself and the world in a grim wager on the nature of humanity.


Posted by: minneapolitan | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 11:02 PM
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Note to self: reload before commenting. 191 was in response to 69.

This thread is making me very, very happy I've never dealt with a dating site.


Posted by: Magpie | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 11:10 PM
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Fraught with what? You're a guy (so not likely to be killed by a stalker) working at a company in what seems like a pretty professional role (not likely to be fired by a stalker) and have no sense of shame.

And really, people who know you coming across your profile is tons of fun.


Posted by: John Tyler | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 11:12 PM
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What if people respond and I have to go out with them, el Presidente? Anyway, I'm not really considering putting it up; it was fun to write.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 11:15 PM
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That's trickier. Theoretically you don't have to go out with them, but the social pressure to do so can be overwhelming. But it's really not that much of a problem.

Seriously, you should put it up. Even if just as an experiment.


Posted by: John Tyler | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 11:17 PM
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You just want to ask me out.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 11:20 PM
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Actually, I was just about to post my new edit to my profile here, when I realized that someone could google the lines on my profile and find me here.

That's a lot more terrifying than any of you finding me there.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 11:21 PM
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AWB you can just go ahead and e-mail everybody the URL.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 11:23 PM
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What if my slightly neurotic, non-squeaky, tall sister does? She just tried to set me up with someone, it'd only be fair for me to return the favor.

Having just created a new profile so I can browse Salon personals, I have to express surprise at the physical attractiveness of a lot of the people on there.


Posted by: John Tyler | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 11:26 PM
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It would bore you senseless. It's very hard to be personable and funny as a woman on one of these things.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 11:26 PM
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Ogged's ad is good as much for what it tells you about him subtextually as what it tells you up front.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 11:26 PM
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It's very hard to be personable and funny as a woman on one of these things.

Oh, come on.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 11:27 PM
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215: all the best personals are like that. The factual description is almost always a fizzle.


Posted by: marcus | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 11:28 PM
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213: It's true; most of the people on that network of sites are really hot.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 11:28 PM
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214: Please. It's no harder than as a guy, unless you are trolling for sheer volume of responses, which is supposed to be exclusively male behavior. Besides, some of us did it.


Posted by: John Tyler | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 11:29 PM
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minneapolitan, you are overthinking. Ogged's personal is just charming. Nothing grim about it.

I imagine it's a question of privacy.

I labor over this, and I'm not getting anywhere, in part because I don't know who the intended audience is:

Why you should get to know me and More about what I'm looking for:

First things first? I'm opionionated, I'm afraid. But I'm not afraid of it. I also grin a lot.

Now -- you see -- I cannot write this. How do you say that you are, without doubt, an opinionated shit, but you're also very able to acknowledge your lack of knowledge in many areas, and that you want to learn?

Seeking mutual learning relationship, all the while strong-willed. If you can look me in the eye, I'll like you.

Oh, Plus, hippie. And if you've never heard of Wittgenstein, you should at least learn to pronounce his name.

Is this asking too much?


Posted by: parsimon | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 11:30 PM
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What if my slightly neurotic, non-squeaky, tall sister does?

Then you and I could wind up related! Your sister lives around here? What did she ever do to you that you want to set her up with me?


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 11:30 PM
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AWB: reading your own personal is like listening to your own voice or seeing yourself on video, you'll always hate it at first. The only way to get an objective view is to let TOTAL STRANGERS READ IT ON THE INTERNET. After all, total strangers on the internet are your target audience, right?


Posted by: marcus | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 11:30 PM
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219: I guess, as it seems most of the dudes are cute but humorless. Four years ago when I was on Nerve, there were a bunch of entertaining crazies. I miss them. Where did they go? I found one, and was going to message him, except for an unfortunate chloroform joke way down near the bottom.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 11:31 PM
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It's pending review now anyhow, Marcus.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 11:33 PM
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218: OK, after clicking through to results 91-120, I finally found someone who I recognized from another dating site. But it seems like there's really not a lot of overlap. Curious. The profiles are also not that interesting. You should try OKCupid.

221: My sister doesn't live around here, but I'm trying to convince her to move here. She's trying to set me up with some random. And there is a long and unending stream of insults, both real and imagined, that would warrant setting you up with her.


Posted by: John Tyler | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 11:37 PM
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What's wrong with your ad?


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 11:37 PM
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My sister doesn't live around here

God, you tease. Wink at me when she does.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 11:39 PM
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Parsimon, the intended audience is guys who would like you and who you would like, which means guys who respond happily and well to opinionated women. So all you have to do is be yourself and you'll attract the intended audience. That's the liberating thing.

You seem a touch conflicted about how the opinionated thing comes off, but I don't think there's any need to be. Plenty of women on those sites loudly proclaim that they are strong-willed and sarcastic, it's the modern American type no doubt. Signaling that you want real mutuality, a partnership, and exchange of views rather than a monologue or a fight is really all you need to not come across as a jerk in any way. Quite the opposite, actually.


Posted by: marcus | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 11:41 PM
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A profile that is awaiting review is a profile that is un-googleable. Post away, AWB! It can always be redacted later.


Posted by: John Tyler | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 11:45 PM
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Okay, fine. Please redact at some point?

[Redacted]


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 11:47 PM
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I just wrote and rewrote and edited this, so it might make no sense. It needs work.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 11:48 PM
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226: I guess it wasn't very interesting. Not a lot of bites, there.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 11:49 PM
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I dunno, AWB, speaking as a really average male, that doesn't really do it for me. "I am often, bafflingly, hyperrational and spontaneously libidinous at once." There are a lot of syllables in there.


Posted by: wb | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 11:51 PM
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AWB is wickedly adverbial.


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 11:52 PM
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I wish to complain. I've only found one 'awesome' on this ENTIRE thread.......


Posted by: Herr Torquewrench | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 11:53 PM
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They are meaningful adverbs. I've deleted and replaced them all several times.

I am not afraid of turning off people afraid of syllables.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 11:54 PM
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Okay, can someone redact now? I'm unhappy with it anyhow.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 11:57 PM
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I think the whole part under "Why You Should Get To Know Me" is awesome, very clear and individual and likely to attract people who would like you. A nice mix of obvious intellect, wry humor, self-awareness, and a sexual side.

But I didn't like the "Who I'm Looking For" part as much. A touch defensive (why warn people against ego games?), also non-specific (lots of people like sex, aren't into money, and I'd say most people at least consider themselves curious and self-sufficient). The first paragraph's a touch overwritten (blisteringly?). It might not matter though, the first part is so good that that alone will carry it fine. You really don't have to work so hard in the second.


Posted by: marcus | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 11:58 PM
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Sure. It'll take a minute...


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 11:58 PM
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Excessive adverb use is no crime. But as someone who overuses commas himself, I think that you could get rid of the second one. The "kink for awkward moments" is interesting. The "who I'd like to meet" also flows well. The first part seems a little disjointed, though. Again, as someone who suffers from it himself.


Posted by: John Tyler | Link to this comment | 07- 3-07 11:58 PM
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And oh yeah, I'd definitely also take out the "bafflingly" before hyperrational and libidinous. I see no contradiction at all between those qualities, in fact they often go together.


Posted by: marcus | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 12:00 AM
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please don't redact it yet.


Posted by: parsimon | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 12:00 AM
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Damn, that was one quick redaction.


Posted by: marcus | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 12:01 AM
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Dangit. That was a quick redact. Maybe a summary?

I... am... hyper... libidinous


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 12:02 AM
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I am not afraid of turning off people afraid of syllables.

It's true. I am afraid of syllables. It has been this way ever since I was a child.

Geez, AWB, you're actually one of my favorite commeters. I really did not mean to offend you. Still, that ad did not seem all that enticing. Usually you are quite a bit funnier. But my advice on romance and two bits will buy you a cup of coffee.


Posted by: | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 12:02 AM
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The "who I am" part of mine. While I feel like it could stand some updating, it also provides an interesting insight into what I was like in the past.

I'm a surprisingly big nerd, and while I can hide it, I'd really rather not. I like what I like - fancy cocktails, dive bars, motorcycles, rockets, burritos, kick-ass people, love. And while I'm open to liking new things (would you believe I used to think that avocado was gross?), I don't shed interests easily. I'm tall and ungainly - if we go dancing a) it had better be to drum and bass, because no one can really dance to that, and b) you'd better wear steel toes. I have unreasonably high standards, but then again, I think everyone should. I have been known to listen to country music, but don't own a cowboy hat. Yet. I'm a sucker for The Princess Bride. I find getting my ass kicked at Scrabble to be a good way to learn new words. Unless it's by one of those killjoys who has memorized all the two and three letter words in the official dictionary. You know who you are.


Posted by: John Tyler | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 12:03 AM
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Maybe a summary?

AWB uses big words, is happy to fuck, but won't make googly eyes at you, you clingy little man.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 12:04 AM
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244 was double-redact-complaint-pwned! What an honor.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 12:04 AM
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Hey, I have no interest in AWB. She doesn't go to Burning Man , she's educated, and she doesn't have a drug problem. What's to like?


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 12:05 AM
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Yeah, well, fuck y'all. AWB, I was intrigued by it, but it was going to take me more than 5 minutes after I saw it to formulate something, to myself or to you.


Posted by: parsimon | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 12:05 AM
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Actually, 247 wouldn't be a bad personal right there.


Posted by: marcus | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 12:06 AM
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AWB: I meant 234's "wickedly" in a Bostonian sense. I endorse your adverb usage. Little chunks of info, modifying an adjective or verb? Hott.


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 12:07 AM
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it was going to take me more than 5 minutes after I saw it to formulate something

Dial-up: it's a state of mind.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 12:08 AM
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I like your ad John Tyler. I find the "Yet" slightly precious, but forgivable. But the parts about being ungainly and learning new words show a nice modesty/confidence.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 12:12 AM
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AWB: What happened to the non-breakfast-eater? He seemed decent, except for the breakfast thing.

re:personals: I will repeat my first unfogged post EVAR: Rilke is sexy; Ogden Nash is sexier.

I haven't had the balls to actually post that anywhere, but I imagine it would both attract the right kind of woman and put off the wrong.


Posted by: foolishmortal | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 12:13 AM
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I liked 246 fine, but I'm a straight man so it doesn't count. However, I feel compelled to point out that truly big nerds don't like motorcycles, dive bars, or even kick-ass people necessarily (let's be honest here...). Scrabble and the Princess Bride seemed more nerdly. Make up your mind, Tyler.


Posted by: marcus | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 12:13 AM
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Dial-up: it's a state of mind.

You are correct. Slow down. What's not to like?


Posted by: parsimon | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 12:15 AM
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I'm not going to post mine, but it's out there on Nerve and shouldn't be too hard to find; AWB, at least, didn't have any trouble. It's not very interesting, though.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 12:17 AM
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why warn people against ego games?

Because some men think it's a reasonable substitute for conversation with a smart woman?


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 12:20 AM
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255: He broke it off. No "spark," in his words, though I'm "lovely and brilliant" and we "had an undeniable amount of chemistry."

This premature judgment brought to you by bitchy stupid ex #4.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 12:21 AM
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So parsimon, where's yours?


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 12:23 AM
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Give her a month.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 12:24 AM
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260: what kind of a dummy says no when a woman wants to cook him food, anyhow?


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 12:24 AM
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Truly big nerds like lots of things. And the next time I find myself in a cow town with carrying capacity, I fully plan on buying a cowboy hat, to wear while cooking bacon in my pajama pants and also while barbequeing. Which may turn some people off, and so therefore I figure it's only fair to warn them about the possibility.

260 is too bad.


Posted by: John Tyler | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 12:26 AM
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259: I'm sure that's true, but you'll just disdainfully reject those guys once it becomes evident what they're doing. Trying to flatly defend against it in your profile A) is unlikely to dissuade the true player of ego games, who probably doesn't admit to himself what he's doing, and B) starts things off on a negative note with everybody else.

At least that's my theory; I try not to say bluntly negative things in the initial intro. Coming up with an artfully positive way to qualify what you like feels better to me. But YMMV and all that.


Posted by: marcus | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 12:27 AM
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what kind of a dummy says no when a woman wants to cook him food, anyhow?

I never got the chance. I think I lost that one by (a) being really good in bed, and (b) not bitching at him, neither of which were true of his most recent ex, the first love of his life. I make boys long for the simplicity of relationships with mean frigid girls.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 12:31 AM
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You should have mocked the size of his penis. Hindsight being 20/20, you should mock it now.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 12:32 AM
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267: It was really inappropriately big. Take that, handsome lawyer who owns a lot of brilliant rare 60's French films!


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 12:34 AM
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266: I don't think we lose people by being too good to them. I think they just didn't love us. It's tough, but don't you remember someone who was really nice to you but you just didn't love?


Posted by: marcus | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 12:35 AM
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Should I go see Sunn O))) tomorrow, or see fireworks and maybe go to a party? Should I have gone to see Vetiver today? Should I see Paris je t'aime on Thursday *with a girl* or see William Hooker's Bliss Trio with Oleyumi Thomas and Damon Smith?


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 12:36 AM
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We only went on four dates. Who the fuck expects love after four dates?


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 12:37 AM
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Oluyemi Thomas. How embarrassing.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 12:37 AM
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I'm bitterly envious of people who live in the Bay Area.


Posted by: marcus | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 12:37 AM
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I think you mean Oluyemi Thomas, Ben. You can't very well go see him now, can you? Dude, go with the girl, what's the matter with you?


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 12:39 AM
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274 is only funny if, against all odds, ogged actually knew that I had misspelled Thomas' name before reading 272.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 12:40 AM
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Ok, I'm off to bed. Don't let marcus run your lives while I'm gone.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 12:40 AM
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I will, here, formally hate on all of you who are not working tomorrow.


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 12:41 AM
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Hmm... I think you can drive people off by being too good for them. However those people usually have emotional issues, so if you don't like the alternating between abusive neglect and irrational sweetness that those people require, you're better off without them.


Posted by: John Tyler | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 12:41 AM
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I googled it; never heard of him before.

To bed!


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 12:42 AM
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278 is probably true too.

I totally want to run everybody's life. Except mine, other peoples' are easier somehow.


Posted by: marcus | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 12:45 AM
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Funny how 263 is true: I was actually vicariously worried about the breakfast thing: how can a man turn down an omelette prepared by his lover? It is not done.

You know he's full of shit right? About the "spark" and all that? Then you also know that you're way ahead of the game in terms of relationships etc.. so moderate your bitching and leave the lamentations to those of us who have something to lament, and take solace in our desperation.


Posted by: foolishmortal | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 12:46 AM
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277: You have to work tomorrow? Damn, that's rough. My sympathies.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 12:47 AM
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The really terrifying thing is expecting love from Internet ads. Stick with booze and drugs, they won't let you down.


Posted by: wb | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 12:49 AM
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I wonder if anyone's done a page devoted to personals as the Presidents might have written them.


Posted by: eb | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 12:51 AM
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What's with the ruining and so on? I don't know who's working tomorrow.

Ogged did say: "Give her a month." To create a profile? Maybe, maybe so. Or not.


Posted by: parsimon | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 12:52 AM
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You know he's full of shit right?

Yes.

About the "spark" and all that?

Kinda.

Then you also know that you're way ahead of the game in terms of relationships etc..

No, I'm really not. I'm very good at random dating, but have had, like, two relationships longer than six months, one with a schizophrenic in college and the next with a guy almost twenty years older than me. I'm a disaster.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 12:55 AM
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I will, here, formally hate on all of you who are not working tomorrow.

It's going to be a good day for flyshing, key lime pie, fresh fruit, and fireworks. Also, corn on the cob.


Posted by: gswift | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 12:56 AM
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"Flyshing"?


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 12:57 AM
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I like your ad John Tyler. I find the "Yet" slightly precious, but forgivable. But the parts about being ungainly and learning new words show a nice modesty/confidence.

What is this, the college personal-ad writing counselor?


Posted by: wb | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 12:58 AM
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Have you been reading a long time, wb? I thought there've been personal-ad writing counselorish threads before.


Posted by: eb | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 1:06 AM
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"Flyshing"?

Shit. Flyfishing. Was looking at something on another monitor while typing that. Not good.


Posted by: gswift | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 1:07 AM
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290: Yes, around the time ogged wrote the post linked in 171 (which also happened to be the time I started reading Unfogged) there was a lot of this sort of thing.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 1:12 AM
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eb, yes, I've been reading about two years. I just don't remember the online dating counselor thing being so obvious. It's like some kind of "It's Alive" situation where I've put on these magic sunglasses and suddenly I can see, "Hey, this site is run by space aliens/online dating counselors."

Yes, I'm tired and drunk (paid holiday tomorrow).


Posted by: wb | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 1:19 AM
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289: sure, why not? That said, having to work tomorrow sucks. That said, I'm not taking advantage of not having to work tomorrow by going out and having fun, so whatever. That said, I'm off to bed.


Posted by: John Tyler | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 1:19 AM
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The online dating threads have always been my favorite part of this site, and I'm glad to have them back.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 1:20 AM
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The Whig party could have used a "why you should get to know me" section in John Tyler's biography.


Posted by: eb | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 1:26 AM
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286: Oh, you're a disaster, now. Like you know from disaster. Did you really date a schizophrenic? I did too. We'd go out to a nice restaurant, and she'd become convinced that the electrical outlets were on backwards, and then she'd run. And I mean run, as in, I'd spend four hours going through north end only to find her eating many modern pastries. She had no problem blowing me, and in fact would attempt to do so in inappropriate situations, but if I attempted to return the favor, she'd start crying and shivering. This girl is a disaster: you, AWB, are frustrated. As am I.


Posted by: foolishmortal | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 1:27 AM
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The online dating threads are probably a good thing. It's just sort of weird to imagine Ogged proofreading one's online personal ad. Calls to mind "Rock & Roll High School" somehow.


Posted by: wb | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 1:30 AM
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296:

More About What I Am Looking For

A party that will treat me right and nominate me for reelection.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 1:38 AM
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Wooden patrician war hero seeks wealthy widow. Must want metaphorical children.


Posted by: George Washington | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 1:42 AM
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They call me pugnacious and irascible, but you can be the judge. Seeking intelligent, eloquent proto-feminist for long-lasting power marriage. No French, please.


Posted by: John Adams | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 1:44 AM
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Do you like wine, tomatoes, and everything French? Are you intrigued by the utopian ideal of an agrarian society of yeoman farmers? Me: Handsome, redheaded, idealistic. You: Charming, witty, open-minded about things like fornication and/or slavery.


Posted by: Thomas Jefferson | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 1:49 AM
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What I am looking for:

Good conversation.


Posted by: Calvin Coolidge | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 1:49 AM
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Short, moody Constitution-fathering type seeks warm, vivacious entertaining type. Must enjoy artwork and pointless wars.


Posted by: James Madison | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 1:51 AM
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Looking for a date that will live in infamy? I'm your guy.


Posted by: Franklin Delano Roosevelt | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 1:52 AM
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Disciple of Jefferson seeks same. Must like doctrines, good feeling and blackmail.


Posted by: James Monroe | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 1:53 AM
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I'm much more than just my father's son (for instance, I have a middle name). Want to find out just how much more? No slaveowners or Masons.


Posted by: John Quincy Adams | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 1:54 AM
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Dashing, pugnacious backcountry warrior looking for a life-partner. You make your decision and I'll let you enforce it.


Posted by: Andrew Jackson | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 1:55 AM
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If you think I'm nothing but the obscure and unsuccessful successor to Jackson, you clearly haven't seen what these muttonchops can do. Give me a chance and I'll Kinderhook your heart.


Posted by: Martin Van Buren | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 1:58 AM
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Good stuff, and everyone's missing it!


Posted by: gswift | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 1:58 AM
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They'll see it in the morning.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 1:59 AM
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Want to try to tip my canoe? Aging Indian fighter in search of that special someone. Must like very long speeches in the rain. Please *cough* reply ASAP.


Posted by: William Henry Harrison | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 2:01 AM
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President and other half of famous election slogan seeks party for hot reelection action.


Posted by: John Tyler | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 2:02 AM
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Fifty-Four Fifty or Fun! Your destiny is totally manifest to me, baby. Me: Mulleted imperialist. You: In favor of mullets and unprovoked wars of aggression. If you're lucky, I'll conquer you a territory of your very own.


Posted by: James K. Polk | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 2:05 AM
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Darkhorse expansionist seeks manifestation of destiny.


Posted by: James K. Polk | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 2:06 AM
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Do you like cherries and iced milk on a hot day? Conqueror of Mexico seeks a little señorita of his own. Whigs only, please.


Posted by: Zachary Taylor | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 2:08 AM
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I like the opening of Millard Fillmore's biography on the White House website:

In his rise from a log cabin to wealth and the White House, Millard Fillmore demonstrated that through methodical industry and some competence an uninspiring man could make the American dream come true.

Posted by: eb | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 2:10 AM
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Vice-Presidential type seeks same. Looks and political success should not be important.


Posted by: Millard Fillmore | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 2:11 AM
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317: Heh, I was just looking at that. Not a lot to work with there.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 2:12 AM
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Ineffective New Englander looking for love. Must like moodiness.


Posted by: Franklin Pierce | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 2:13 AM
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Fillmore I think was one of the guys left devastated by the collapse of the Whigs but unwilling to become a Republican; by 1860 he was probably desperate for any kind of union, IFKWIM.


Posted by: eb | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 2:14 AM
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FY


Posted by: eb | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 2:15 AM
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Could you be the man for me? I may not be able to prevent the disintegration of the union, but I can make all your dreams come true.


Posted by: James Buchanan | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 2:15 AM
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322: You could just say it stands for "Fillmore." I'm sure he would know what you meant.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 2:15 AM
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After the last few, the prospect of doing one for Lincoln is kind of overwhelming.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 2:17 AM
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What I am not looking for:

Anyone who yells out "Stalwart" at climactic moments.


Posted by: James A. Garfield | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 2:19 AM
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Fondly do I hope
Fervently do I pray
That my terrible scourge of celibacy
Shall swiftly pass away


Posted by: A. Lincoln | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 2:21 AM
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What's the over/under for eventual comments on this thread? 550?


Posted by: marcus | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 2:22 AM
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Lanky railsplitter seeks difficult woman. Must be able to cope with tragedy on both a national and personal level. Must like beards, abolitionism, and national unity. A taste for the theater is nice but not necessary.


Posted by: Abraham Lincoln | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 2:22 AM
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328: Well, we've got 25 or so presidents to go...


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 2:23 AM
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Are you a white southerner conflicted about your attitude toward wealthy plantation owners? Find yourself somehow trapped in the North when your state has seceded? I know the feeling. Let's talk.


Posted by: Andrew Johnson | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 2:27 AM
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Hard-drinking cigar-chomping civil war winner looking for someone to share my glory with. You should be in awe of me and willing to tolerate a little corruption and incompetence in exchange for some sweet lovin'.


Posted by: Ulysses S. Grant | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 2:29 AM
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Broken hearted homebody looking to give romance one more try. Must enjoy snuggling, gin, numbers.


Posted by: Thomas Dewey | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 2:30 AM
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Priggish teetotaler seeks same. Must like lemonade, beards and shady backroom deals.


Posted by: Rutherford B. Hayes | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 2:30 AM
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Why you should get to know me:

We are not yet acquainted, not yet friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may strain, it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of intimacy will yet swell the chorus of our Union, when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature, and while the world will little note what we share together it will be long remembered by us both.


Posted by: Abraham Lincoln | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 2:31 AM
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Doomed civil service reformer looking for love. You should be willing to stay by my side for long periods of unsuccessful recuperation. No disgruntled office-seekers, please.


Posted by: James Garfield | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 2:35 AM
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I should really just let eb handle this period.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 2:35 AM
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But I'm not dedicated to writing one for each president. (Mine have been 303, 305, 315, 326, and 335, by the way.)


Posted by: eb | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 2:39 AM
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Me: Allegedly corrupt but surprisingly competent Stalwart. You: Fond of interesting facial hair. No Chinese.


Posted by: Chester Alan Arthur | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 2:41 AM
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Huggable bear seeks bareback play partner to shower with gold and government-issue currency.


Posted by: Grover Cleveland | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 2:42 AM
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338: Okay, guess I'll keep going then.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 2:42 AM
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Or maybe I'll let Sifu take over.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 2:43 AM
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Nah, I might as well keep it up now that I've come this far.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 2:45 AM
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There's presidents enough for all of us.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 2:45 AM
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Swingin' bachelor gone to the White House (ha ha ha). You should be much younger and willing to deal with my child support payments to other women.


Posted by: Grover Cleveland | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 2:48 AM
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I might philander, but when you get down to it, I'm all about hard currency. Will exapnd the money supply for the right woman. You must be willing to be spanked on non-consecutive occasions.


Posted by: Grover Cleveland | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 2:51 AM
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Do you like tariffs and short men? While I may not live up to my grandfather's reputation, I do know much more about not giving long speeches in the rain, IYKWIM.


Posted by: Benjamin Harrison | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 2:52 AM
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Guess who's back, bitches!


Posted by: Grover Cleveland | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 2:52 AM
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Let me take you to my tropical hideaway and tell you war stories. Must love trusts. No anarchists!


Posted by: William McKinley | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 2:52 AM
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I like eating, eating, drinking, eating, and long buffalo rides on Phillipine beaches.


Posted by: William Howard Taft | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 2:55 AM
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Won't you join me on my front porch? Favorite of wealthy businessmen seeking someone special. Must like imperialism; no anarchists, please.


Posted by: William McKinley | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 2:55 AM
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I talk softly and carry a big stick, IYKWIMAITYD. If you like national greatness and killing things, we might be a good match.


Posted by: Theodore Roosevelt | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 2:57 AM
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Now that I'm missing typos in all of mine, I think I should just go to bed.


Posted by: eb | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 3:00 AM
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I think I'll go to bed too; it's pretty late. Others can fill in the more recent presidents if they want.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 3:02 AM
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Hey, somebody's been using my presidential pseudonym!


Posted by: Grover Cleveland | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 4:55 AM
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¿Habla usted español?


Posted by: James Polk | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 5:05 AM
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What Am I Looking For: Someone who can almost make out the cries of the gulls overhead s/b Someone who can almost make out to the cries of the gulls overhead


Posted by: Clownaesthesiologist | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 5:16 AM
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Hee! Nice treat to wake up to.


Posted by: redfoxtailshrub | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 5:21 AM
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hey, great recipe Redfoxtail.

On a related note, I got some great pics of a fox that was playing in my field yesterday. He/she just kept looking at me and barking.


Posted by: will | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 5:28 AM
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Ooh, I'm envious.


Posted by: redfoxtailshrub | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 5:30 AM
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(Which recipe?)


Posted by: redfoxtailshrub | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 5:31 AM
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sorrell


Posted by: will | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 5:36 AM
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Ah yes. All the talk about that recipe prompted me to make it again myself recently, too. It had been ages, so thanks for prompting me to remind myself of its existence.


Posted by: redfoxtailshrub | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 5:40 AM
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Addendum to 297: the frustration mentioned is liable to be extremely temporary. Savor it and consider it instructive: this is how the other half lives.


Posted by: foolishmortal | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 5:49 AM
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191: While I didn't grow up in flyover, exactly, when people married that young in my area religion was always a factor. See, it's a sin to shack up. And you wouldn't find your girlfriend so hot if the Holy Spirit weren't moving you. Plus, Paul says to get married if you're going to lose control of yourself and sin otherwise.

So the 20-year-old guy marries the 20-year-old girl between their junior and senior years at Grove City. By the time they're 26, they've divorced. Thankfully, they haven't usually managed to reproduce.


Posted by: Cala | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 6:28 AM
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I just read all the Presidential ads out loud to Buck. Those are a priceless way to celebrate the Fourth.

Come to think of it, any reason not to copy them up into a post? They're holiday-appropriate, and there's got to be someone who reads the posts and not the comments.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 7:18 AM
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Seeking open-minded lady for MMF evening in my Indiana cabin. I'll tip your canoe, and Tyler, too!


Posted by: William Henry Harrison | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 7:32 AM
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"not the comments" s/b "not the comments after the first hundred or so".


Posted by: Clownaesthesiologist | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 7:33 AM
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367: awesome.

Happy 4th, all. Go listen to Olbermann's commentary.


Posted by: Clownaesthesiologist | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 7:34 AM
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I'm putting that up into a post as well. Is it on YouTube yet, and if not could someone who knows how put it up? That's amazing.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 7:37 AM
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The best/worst lie I've ever told: I have lusted in my heart.


Posted by: Jimmy Carter | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 7:37 AM
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Why you should call me: Face it, if I'm your go-to guy, you probably don't have a lot of other options. I promise, should the evening not go well, I'll beg your pardon, be out of there quickly, and you won't hear from me again. Could be worth a shot.


Posted by: Gerald Ford | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 7:40 AM
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My stamina is so legendary they made it illegal, baby.


Posted by: Franklin Delano Roosevelt | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 7:41 AM
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Good ol' "Southern boy made good" seeks discreet SWF, 21-30 for pizza, discussions of policy, and fine cigars.

P.S. I don't like blue dresses.


Posted by: William Jefferson Clinton | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 7:51 AM
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You're from the city. You know your way around. I'm from Missouri. Show me.


Posted by: Harry S Truman | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 7:53 AM
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Scion of unlucky family seeks SWF for convertible rides in the sunshine.


Posted by: John F. Kennedy | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 7:55 AM
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PURE HILARITY


Posted by: OPINIONATED GRANDMA | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 7:58 AM
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"And George W. Bush took our assent, and re-configured it, and honed it, and sharpened it to a razor-sharp point, and stabbed this nation in the back with it." Oh my, fucking nicely put.


Posted by: redfoxtailshrub | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 8:00 AM
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I feel as though I should applaud. Damn, Olbermann.


Posted by: Cala | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 8:03 AM
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Oh, man, I missed some good ones while I was formatting the post. Copy them to the comments of the new post, maybe?


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 8:10 AM
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Keep updating as long as you feel its worth it.


Posted by: OneFatEnglishman | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 8:14 AM
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Rats, I went to bed and missed all of the presidential action. Yay Teo and eb (and sifu).

Let's see...

Teddy-bear type seeks intellectual girl next door. Must be interested in foreign travel (Philippines especially) and socially adept. I'll bust the trusts; you host the parties. Want to create world peace? It starts here.


Posted by: W.H. Taft | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 8:17 AM
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What to expect on our first date: I like lots of things, from reading short stories to enjoying the open air on my ranch. Looking for a patient woman who will understand that 'Mission: Accomplished' happens to every guy sometimes.


Posted by: George W. Bush | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 8:19 AM
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Oh, I like the Truman especially.


Posted by: Witt | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 8:23 AM
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One thing most people don't know about me: I despise long goodbyes.


Posted by: Ronald Reagan | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 9:21 AM
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OK, I suck at the whole "being funny" thing, so this profile is actually mine. Hopefully this thread's not dead yet.

My self-summary
I'm an affectionate person. People say they feel more free to be themselves around me, and that I'm good at reading them. I'm very opinionated, and I'm sometimes intense. I'm a bit of a homebody, but I don't mind going out with friends.

I have ADD, which makes me kind of scatterbrained sometimes, but I'm smart enough that I'm always thinking something interesting. And I have about a million unfinished projects that you might find interesting. If you're a nerd, like me.

I come across more seriously than I'd like online. I promise I'm funny.

The most private thing I'm willing to admit here
I'm slow to come to trust people. I need someone I feel safe with. Someone who can accept me and be affectionate and appreciate my more intellectual and geeky qualities.

There are more private things I'd be willing to say, but somehow I don't think you'd be interested in reading them here.

You should message me if
If you value your free time (I know I do mine), and use it to do interesting and challenging things. If you really want a relationship, and have time for one. If you want to be very important to someone, and you know how to make others feel important and loved. If you're more honest than society approves of.


Posted by: Andrew Jackson | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 12:36 PM
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That's charming, Andy. It's probably not written to get the largest possible number of responses, but assuming your self presentation is pretty accurate, the largest possible number of responses wouldn't get you mostly people who you wouldn't click with. And for someone you'd like, I think it's pretty appealing.

One negative is the last sentence. 'More honest than society approves of' sounds to me a bit like 'I will say needlessly unpleasant things to you, and when you object claim that I was just being honest." Probably not what you meant, but you might want to reword that.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 12:48 PM
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I should note that I know jack about online dating, and really about dating in general.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 12:51 PM
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Hmm, you're right. I should probably fix that. But it's hard to figure out how to say "If you ask me a question, I'll give you an honest answer, and I expect the same" and be both believed and not misunderstood.


Posted by: Andrew Jackson | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 12:56 PM
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I live! My esteemed predecessor, I like your style. I only wonder if perhaps you are going a bit too meta with the "coming across too seriously online" and with the "i don't think you'd be interested." Also, wow, young.


Posted by: John Tyler | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 12:58 PM
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388: LB married when she was 16 and a day and should not be expected to have gained sophistication since then.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 1:01 PM
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possibly: "things I'm good at: Not asking questions of which I do not want to know the answer."


Posted by: John Tyler | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 1:01 PM
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Edits I have made due to the helpful prompting of my esteemed co-commenters:

I come across more seriously than I'd like online.
I like margaritas. I drink Crown straight.

There are more private things I'd be willing to say, but I'm considerate--I'll spare you.

If you're more honest than society approves of, and perhaps sometimes more than you'd like to be.


Posted by: Andrew Jackson | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 1:15 PM
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Much better.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 1:21 PM
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Actually, I disagree about 'More honest than society approves of.' It works for me, and I don't really read it the way LB does. Actually, were I to reply to that ad, I'd probably open by asking about that line in particular, mention that it's intriguing.

On the other hand, "but somehow I don't think you'd be interested in reading them here" might be rephrased as something like: but this isn't the forum for them. Awkward, but something like that.

Overall, the tone is a bit overly defensive. "If you're a nerd, like me"? Okay. Maybe list a few of the types of projects you mean?


Posted by: | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 1:23 PM
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395 me.


Posted by: parsimon | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 1:24 PM
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The nerd line wasn't intended as defensive, though I can see how it might come across that way. It could be rephrased somehow.


Posted by: Andrew Jackson | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 1:28 PM
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How about this:

I have like a million unfinished, nerdy projects that you might find interesting. If you're a nerd.


Posted by: Andrew Jackson | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 1:34 PM
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Naah. "I have a million unfinished nerdy projects. No, really. There's the Piano Hero (like Guitar Hero, but for nerds), there's the W, the X, the Y, and the Z. There are also a lot more, which this margin is too small to contain. Well, <textarea>, but you know what I mean."


Posted by: John Tyler | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 1:38 PM
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Kobe approves of the edit in 398.


Posted by: snarkout | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 1:39 PM
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Ack! I've been identified! Bail, bail!


Posted by: Andrew Jackson | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 1:43 PM
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And that's no fair, either. I suck at identifying people by their writing styles. I can barely recognize OPINIONATED GRANDMA's comments before I see her name.


Posted by: Andrew Jackson | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 1:51 PM
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Be not afraid.


Posted by: John Tyler | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 1:52 PM
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Oh, I can't identify people by their writing styles, either. I have no idea who Mrs. Lincoln was. All I can do is follow links.


Posted by: John Tyler | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 1:54 PM
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OK, now I'm just baffled.


Posted by: Andrew Jackson | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 1:56 PM
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Your profile links to your blog.


Posted by: John Tyler | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 2:00 PM
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Crap. I had tried googling it, and it didn't work. I guess I didn't try hard enough.


Posted by: Andrew Jackson | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 2:08 PM
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About Me: I hope you'll make dinner, because I am not a cook.


Posted by: Richard Nixon | Link to this comment | 07- 4-07 2:30 PM
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